All In The Family s02e21 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days hey, did anybody see the sports section? Oh, daddy probably took it with him this morning.
Took it where? In the cab.
He's moonlighting again.
"Moonlighting.
" Tsk.
That sounds so much more romantic than saying, "he's driving Mr.
munson's cab To pick up a few extra bucks.
" Gee, thanks for the big hello.
Hi, daddy.
[ Edith .]
Hello, Archie.
Hey, arch, where's the sports section? Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
Listen to that, huh? I'm out hacking around this town, doing two jobs, the meathead sits here on his butt, says to me, "where's the sports section?" Get out of the chair! And, Edith, suppose there's any chance of having a cup of coffee over here, huh? Oh, sure, Archie.
How was your day? Oh, like lots of days, Edith: Lousy.
Except for one little bright spot that made the day What you might call fascinating.
- "Fascinating"? - What's the matter? Don't you like that word? Guess what famous and important personality I carried as a passenger in my cab today? - Oh, tell us! - Oh, no, no.
You ain't gonna get it out of me that easy.
Come on.
You gotta guess for this one.
All right.
Let's try.
I'll go first.
Living or dead? I was driving a cab, Edith, not a hearse.
Go back to your solitaire, huh? Give us a hint, daddy.
Is he in show business? Bingo.
Give you another hint.
"Bongo, bongo, bongo.
" Well, he's either desi arnaz or, knowing you, he's probably black.
Right.
Black as the ace of spades.
In fact, as far as I'm concerned, this guy is the ace of spades.
For goodness sakes.
Archie! You just said "ace of spades" and I turned up the ace of spades.
You see that in the movies, and you say, "that wouldn't happen in real life.
" But here we are in real life, and it happened.
We're in real life over here, Edith.
Would you care to join us? Was it flip Wilson? No, no, no.
Belafonte? No, I said black, meathead.
Harvey Belafonte ain't black.
He's just a good-looking white guy dipped in caramel.
I'll give youse one more hint, and that's all.
You ready? Hey, there you with the star in your eyes Rosemary clooney is black? Daddy, you had Sammy Davis Jr.
in your cab? As sure as you're sitting there.
Could you give us just one more hint? Could you just play cards with yourself? Arch, are you sure it was Sammy Davis Jr.
? No, meathead.
It was some zulu jockey.
I know the man.
Besides, who would give me A five-buck tip for a buck-and-a-quarter haul, anyway? And as fine a gentleman as ever you'd want to meet.
Sat in the back of the cab, talked to be about the weather, all kinds of things, just like a regular person.
Fact, if it weren't for the rearview mirror there, I'd have thought he was a white guy.
Arch! Why do you got to say things like that for? What do you mean, "why do I got to say things like that for"? What did I say, anyhow? Would you listen to these two? You can't say nothin' around here.
They twist around everything you say.
Oh, Edith.
You know what? I gave him our names and address So he can send us an autographed picture of himself.
Sammy Davis Jr.
? Yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful! Did you tell him how much I like him? Oh, sure, Edith.
That was the first thing I said to him.
Oh, I said, "Sam, you don't have to worry none about your career 'Cause Edith bunker is right behind you.
" I bet he was glad to hear that.
[ Phone ringing .]
Hello.
Who is this? Huh? Uh, hold the phone, will you? Hold the phone just a minute.
You know who I was just talking about right here? I was just talking about Sammy Davis Jr.
, right? He's on the telephone right now! Daddy! He's on the telephone? He is! Shh! Tell him I'm still behind him.
Will you leave me alone? Uh, hello, Mr.
Davis.
I'm sorry there, but I was just a little startled about being called out of the ordinary that way.
Yeah.
What can I do for you? Oh, that fancy briefcase was yours, huh? Well, listen, I turned it in at the cab office there.
Oh, geez, had all your important contracts and everything in there, huh? Well, how could I help you get it back? Well, no, no, wait a minute.
You say you're going out to the airport.
That's good, because I can have the briefcase delivered here from the cab office, and my house is kind of on the way, off northern boulevard there.
You can stop by here and pick it up.
You want to do that? Huh? Hey! No, it'll be an honor, Mr.
Davis.
Certainly.
704 hauser street.
Yeah.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Davis.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Davis.
Yeah.
Good-bye.
He's coming over here.
[ All shouting .]
He's coming over here.
Put a lid on it! He traced me from the address I give him to send us the picture.
You know where he was calling us from? No.
Where? A car.
That's right.
He's in a limousine right now with a phone in it.
Oh, I want to tell you, some of these coloreds are real classy.
When they've got it, they spend it.
I've got to call munson right now.
I got to go fix my face! Arch, what do you mean, "some of these coloreds are classy"? Why do you always have to label black people this or that? Because when they deserve a compliment once in a while, I don't hold it back.
Now will you get away from me? [ Gibberish .]
This and that.
Dummy up.
Uh, munson, Archie bunker here.
Hey, that fancy leather suitcase I turned in-- yeah, well, I'm just on the phone with the owner now, and I've arranged that he's gonna pick it up here at the house, so could you bring it over? No, no.
We don't want to do that, munson, because this is a very, very important guy.
I mean, a biggie.
Yeah.
Oh, you'll find out when you get here.
Bring it over, though, huh? Good.
Good.
Great.
Bye.
Okay, it's all set, it's all set.
Now, Edith, please.
Don't go blabbing all over the neighborhood that Sammy Davis Jr.
's coming here.
The house is gonna be a mob scene.
All right, Archie.
And don't say nothing to Lionel about this.
If he finds out, he'll jump on his tom-tom.
Before you know it, we'll be up to our armpits in jungle bunnies.
Arch, when Sammy Davis gets here, you gonna call him a jungle bunny? Of course not, you dumbbell.
I'm gonna call him Mr.
Davis.
Just a minute ago he was the ace of spades.
Now he's Mr.
Davis? Because he worked himself up to being called Mr.
Davis, and he deserves that, because in this great country, a man can overcome the unequalness of his color And rise to become a great star.
Arch, what do you mean, "unequalness"? What's the difference between our neighbor Lionel Jefferson and Sammy Davis Jr.
? Ten million dollars and five purple Cadillacs.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Wait a minute.
Who were you just calling here? Mabel Hefner.
She ain't never seen a star up close.
Well, she ain't gonna see one.
Not in this house.
You get on the blower and tell her, "April fool.
" I can't.
She ain't home.
Well, who was you just talking to here? Her husband, Barney Hefner.
Oh, Barney the bonehead.
Oh, he won't tell nobody.
All right, Edith.
All right.
What's done is done.
But just do this for me, huh? A favor.
When Sammy Davis Jr.
gets here, whatever else you blab about, don't say nothing about his eye, huh? What eye? Edith, let me tell you.
See, one of them is glass.
You'll find out when he gets here which of them, see? But don't talk about it, all right? Huh? Will you remember that? Yeah.
All right.
Now, you got any fried chicken in the kitchen? 'Cause they like to snack on that.
- [ Doorbell rings .]
- I'll get it.
I'll get the door.
He's here ! Get away from the door, will ya? Get back there! What's the matter with youse? I'll answer it.
Hi, Mr.
bunker.
Oh, hi, Lionel.
Look.
We got a private matter going on.
Could you come back later? Yeah, Sammy Davis Jr.
is coming over.
The dingbat strikes again.
What's going on? Lionel, Sammy Davis Jr.
left his briefcase in daddy's cab, and he's coming by here to pick it up! He's coming here? [ Doorbell rings .]
[ All talking at once .]
Get back, all of youse! Get way back over there! 'Cause I'm the guy that found him.
What's the matter with youse? You'd think it was the second coming.
I'll open it up! Just calm yourselves down.
He's an ordinary human being like the rest of us, huh? Shh! Mr.
bunker? Sammy Davis! Sammy Davis! There he is! I told you he was coming! There he is, right out there on the stoop! Come on in, Mr.
Davis.
Oh, Mr.
Davis, it's an honor.
Oh! Oh! Welcome to our house! Thank you.
I'm so excited! But then, you can't imagine, 'cause you never had to meet yourself.
Mr.
Davis, uh, this is my wife, Edith, laughing over there.
Ha-ha.
Shut up.
Mr.
Davis, my daughter, Gloria, standing over there.
Hello, Gloria.
How do you do? And her husband, Mike.
Hello, Mike.
No! No! This here is, uh-- this is only Lionel.
He lives next door.
My daughter's married to the white guy over here.
How are you? It certainly is nice to meet all of you nice people, but I think I'd better take the old briefcase and run.
And incidentally, Mr.
bunker, here's a little something for your-- for your trouble.
Oh, geez.
Twenty dollars.
Oh, no, Mr.
Davis.
Archie don't need no reward For doing something for you.
Edith, don't insult the guest in your own home, huh? She don't know what she's saying there, Mr.
Davis.
And, uh, listen.
I just put in a call.
The briefcase is coming over.
Be here any minute.
All right.
Well, in the meantime, will you make yourself at home, huh? We get you some coffee? Well, that's awfully nice of you.
Sit right down here, Mr.
Davis.
Right in my chair.
Make yourself comfortable.
It's the best in the house.
Listen, Mr.
Davis, I got to tell my mother you're here.
She's crazy about you.
Lionel, don't go, huh? Lionel! Come on, youse two.
Get over here.
Edith, make the coffee, huh? And Edith-- excuse me, Mr.
Davis.
Edith, Edith, Edith.
Remember, huh? Nothing about mm-mmm! Well, Mr.
Davis, I want to tell you, it's a real honor to have you in our home, thank you.
Breaking bread with us this way.
I was just saying to my family before you came in, I said, "Sammy Davis Jr.
is maybe the greatest credit to his race.
" Well, thank you very much.
I'm sure you've done good for yours too.
I try.
Here we are! Ah, thank you, Mrs.
bunker.
Thanks, Edith.
That's all right.
I can serve Mr.
Davis.
Edith, get out of here.
Now, Mr.
Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye? Mr.
Davis, it's really my fault.
You see, Archie thought I was gonna say something about your eye.
Edith, please.
Mr.
Davis, could we maybe offer you something maybe a little stronger? A little fleischmann's and ginger, very smooth? Oh, no, Mr.
bunker.
This is fine.
As a matter of fact, I'm off the sauce.
Booze is a definite no-no for me.
[ Giggling .]
I just love the way you talk.
I mean, this must seem so dull after Hollywood and all.
Oh, I don't know about that, Gloria.
There may be Wilder things going on in new Rochelle than in Hollywood.
What part of new Rochelle? Edith! We got cousins there.
They burn incense.
Who cares? I hate them anyway! Get me a beer, huh? And Edith, a glass this time, huh? And open up a fresh box of twinkies for Mr.
Davis.
Twinkies? Yeah, that's kind of a wasp soul food.
Uh, don't, uh, listen to him.
He's kind of a meathead, Mr.
Davis.
Look, why don't you stop calling me Mr.
Davis and just call me Sam? Oh, hey, I'd like to do that.
Okay.
"Sam.
" Yeah, that's nice.
And you can call me Archie.
I mean, what the hell? Sam, where you flying out to tonight? Las Vegas, maybe? No, I have a tv special to do in Hollywood.
Ohh.
Gee, that's beautiful.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, while you're hanging around, will you give us a little preview, one of the songs you're gonna do? Daddy-y! Mr.
Davis makes his living entertaining.
You're asking him to go to work.
Yeah, arch.
How would you like to be a guest in somebody's house, and they said, "come on, arch.
Do some packing and lifting for us.
" Here's your beer, Archie.
And here's your twinkie, Mr.
Davis.
[ Mouths words .]
[ Doorbell rings .]
Oh, that's some pest at the front door.
I'll get it.
[ Doorbell buzzing .]
There goes the back door.
Get that, Edith.
You see? They're crawling out of the woodwork now! Oh, look! Barney Hefner with a camera! Where is he? Ha-ha! There he is! Sammy Davis Jr.
Can I have an autograph, Mr.
Davis? Aw, come on, Barney! Hey, just one quick picture, huh? Now, Barney, no pictures, huh? No, no, it's all right.
Oh, yeah? All right.
Hold it.
Hello, Mr.
Davis, this is Mrs.
haskell and her daughter.
I'll take it from here.
Go, Clarissa.
Salute! She's only been studying for six months.
We don't want no Fred mack amateur hour around here! If you give her a chance, you'll love her! I just know it! Get out of here! Mom! [ Yells, indistinct .]
Wait! Mrs.
haskell! You forgot your floor! Yeah.
Hey, and now I'd like to propose a toast.
Uh-huh.
To the greatest entertainer in the world.
And to the man who gave me the opportunity of meeting him face to face, my good friend and neighbor, Archie bunker.
Hey, that ain't a bad toast, Barney.
I can drink to that one myself.
I'm Barney Hefner.
I live across the street-- the house with the new porch.
Oh, yeah.
And not only the greatest entertainer in the world, but a man who proved there is good and bad in all races.
[ Barney .]
Right.
I'll drink to that.
And to friendship.
[ Archie .]
You hear that, huh? Isn't that nice? "Friendship.
" I'll drink to that myself.
What are you looking at, Barney? You're done now.
Get the hell out of here! You're cranky today, Archie.
There he is! It's really him! Oh, and you're just as cute as you look on television.
God bless you.
Thank you.
I don't want to take up any more of your time.
I just came to look at you.
Thank you.
And I'm looking at you.
Look at you! Now, I want to say this right, Mr.
Davis.
Shalom l'Chaim.
And l'Chaim shalom.
Oh, Mr.
Davis! My goodness! Oh, Sammy Davis Jr.
! You know, Sammy, them words I just heard you saying here, they reminded me of something that I always wanted to ask you.
Yes, arch? Yeah, now, you're being colored, well, I know you had no choice in that.
But whatever made you turn Jew? Smile, everybody.
Ah, come on, Barney? What are you doing? I thought you went home.
You're turning my house into a peep show.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Davis.
Sometimes my father says the wrong things.
Yeah, I've noticed that.
But he's not a bad guy, Mr.
Davis.
I mean, like, he'd never burn a cross on your lawn.
No, but if he saw one burning, he's liable to toast a marshmallow on it.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-- right on! This is your fault, Edith.
I had to throw Barney Hefner out of here.
Oh, Sammy, yes? I was just remembering the last time I seen you on tv.
It was on the Johnny Carson show.
Oh, yeah.
You was on with that there, uh, Raquel Walsh.
- Yeah.
Remember, Edith? - Oh, yeah.
I remember.
Oh, you were so sweet to her, Mr.
Davis.
Oh, thank you.
Archie said he never thought he'd see the day When coloreds and whites would be hugging and kissing coast to coast.
When I ask you a question, why can't you just say "yeah" and stop? Now, will you sit over there, huh? And don't say nothin' till you're asked.
Sammy, she takes everything I say out of context, see, 'cause what I really meant was-- I know what you mean, Archie, but you see, it's not me.
See, they put a kissing clause in my contract.
Huh? Well, you see, it's those white celebrities.
Well, this year we're in, so they all want to jump on the bandwagon.
You mean to tell me the networks force you To kiss against your will? Well, what are you gonna do? Well, that ain't right, Sam.
I mean, you know-- I mean, gee, to force the races to intersex that way on the air? No prejudice intended, but I always check with the Bible on these here things.
Oh.
Yeah.
I think that if God had meant us To be together, he'd have put us together.
But look what he done.
He put you over in Africa, he put the rest of us in all the white countries.
Well, you must have told him where we were, 'cause somebody came and got us.
I mean, uh, there was work for us.
I mean, and, uh, how could you resist? Free transportation, room, board, chains.
I think you're talking about slavery there, Sammy.
I want to tell you that I was always dead set against slavery.
Glory, glory, hallelujah glory, glory hallelujah what are you doing? We're having a conversation over-- pull the plug on that! You see what goes on around here, Sammy? Every time I start to have a serious conversation, these kids go crazy.
Another thing they're always doing to me, they're always telling me I'm prejudiced.
Now, listen.
You're a guy that's been around a lot.
You've seen a lot of people and you know a lot, see? Yeah? Now, you look at me.
You figure me for a prejudiced guy? Oh, Archie, you don't tell me You're really paying attention to those young kids.
What do they know.
I mean, you, prejudiced? Look, if you were prejudiced, Archie, when I came into your house, you would have called me a coon or a nigger.
But you didn't say that.
I heard you clear as a bell.
Right straight out, you said, "colored.
" Yeah, that's what I done, all right.
And if you were prejudiced, you would, like some people, close their eyes To what's going on in this great country that we live in.
But not you, Archie.
Your eyes are wide open.
You can tell the difference between black and white.
And I have a deep-rooted feeling that you'll always be able To tell the difference between black and white.
And if you were prejudiced, you'd walk around thinking That you're better than anybody else in the world.
But I can honestly say, having spent these marvelous moments with you, you ain't better than anybody.
Can I have your hand on that, Sam? Yes, sir.
And I hope youse all heard that over there.
That comes straight from Sammy Davis Jr.
, "Mr.
wonderful" himself.
And that should prove to you once and for all that I ain't prejudiced.
His truth goes marching on you see that? You can't learn 'em nothing.
[ Doorbell rings .]
There's munson with the briefcase now, there, Sammy.
I'll let him right in.
Hi, arch.
Munson, we were waiting for you.
Where were you? I'm sorry I took so long, arch, but I bumped into Barney Hefner with his camera, so naturally, I had to go back and get mine.
Oh, geez.
Mr.
Davis, this is an unexpected pleasure.
My pleasure.
Thank you very much.
Can I get a picture? Come on, munson.
No pictures.
Oh, no.
This one is for me.
Mr.
munson, would you stand over there? I want one picture taken.
With Archie bunker, my friend, and me.
You and me? Yes.
Now, on three, okay? One, two, three.
Good-bye, Mrs.
bunker.
Peace and love.
Bye, now.
Well-- what the hell.
He said it was in his contract.
Archie, here's an envelope for you From Hollywood from Sammy Davis Jr.
Oh, hey, great! Come on, arch! Open it up! All right.
All right.
I'm opening it.
Can't youse curdle down your excitement a little bit here? Let's see what we got here.
Oh! Oh! Hey.
That's the picture of Sammy Davis you're looking at.
And look what he writes here.
No, meathead, you read it! "To Archie bunker, the whitest guy I know.
" [ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.