Batman (1966) s02e21 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Another bright, brisk morning in Gotham City.
For such a bustling metropolis, the day seems to have begun quite normally.
But wait, do we sense something slightly off-key? Here in the Keyborn Bookstore perhaps? Or in the Keynote Music Shop? Or even in the sacred precincts of the ultra conservative Gotham City Key Club? Meanwhile, at Wayne Manor stately home of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson All right, take it from the top, Dick.
Ahem.
Besides its famous apes and the part it's always played in history, the Rock of Gibraltar is also famous for? -It's the key to the Mediterranean.
-Aha.
Right, Dick.
You might make that the keynote of your geography paper.
- A headache, Bruce? -No, no, just a bit weary.
But thanks to the brief respite from crime-fighting which we seem to be enjoying, my energies will be quickly restored.
What? Upside down? Pointing the wrong way? Hmm.
We'll get right on it.
That was the manager of the Keystone Building.
Someone has been playing havoc with the big sign identifying it.
Probably the work of some prankster, heh, or some joker.
Jo-- Of course, Chief O'Hara.
Who else but that malevolent mischief-maker could be taunting us again with his capricious capers? You still don't think we should call the Caped Crusader? When books, records and files are involved, Chief O'Hara I think that we should try to tackle the problem ourselves but when it comes to tampering with the buildings of our fine city we have no other choice.
I think I found it, Bruce.
I'm afraid you spoke too soon, sir.
Let me answer it for you.
I can always think up a bit of a taradiddle.
No, Alfred, if the commissioner needs us, this is no time for a white lie, even the smallest.
- Yes, commissioner? -I'm afraid it's the Joker again, Batman.
We'll be right there.
To the Batpoles.
We're having the locks replaced in this building.
And when the new keys arrived today, this was in with them.
- Holy vertebra.
- Indeed.
A macabre little opener.
Read the attached note.
"Latched or mastered, skeletoned or passed spot the Scot before you're outclassed.
" Latched or mastered? I suspect he used the past tense to further confuse us, Robin.
Latch, master, pass, skeleton.
They're all terms which refer to keys.
Like the Key Club or the Keystone Building.
Some seventh sense tells me that this particular Scot is billionaire Angus Ferguson the famous Scottish collector who's currently visiting our fair city.
Just what I was thinking, Batman, now that you, uh, reminded me.
Obviously there is a connection here.
Mr.
Ferguson is having a private showing today of his fabulous collection of keys.
How can anyone have a fabulous collection of keys? There are some famous keys in the world, Robin.
Of which Angus Ferguson has either the original or an exact replica including the piéce de résistance of his current show the famous Jeweled Key of Kaincardine handed down through the ages from one Scottish ruler to another.
Hmm.
Holy key ring.
Where is this showing? At his private suite at Gotham Towers.
We have as many of our men posted there as we can spare but, ha, ha, if this note is from the Joker I suggest we take a look at Ferguson's fabulous collection of keys.
Ah.
This should do it.
Ah.
Ah! At last, success beyond even my wildest dreams.
Success, Joker, because you can turn an itsy-bitsy key in an itsy-bitsy box? Glad you could tear yourself away from that mirror for one minute, Cornelia to admire my latest triumph.
This box, and particularly this key I've just made could be the downfall of those audacious adversaries, Batman and Robin and give me free reign to pursue my cunning career.
Ha, ha! - How did you make the box, Joker? -Oh, out of bits and pieces, lads.
Odds and ends, cheese paddings, lightning bugs, cockroach shells all combined with my talents in other fields, of course.
Ha, ha.
But enough of this chitchat.
I am off to make my first experiment.
And when I return, I suspect I will not only have confounded the Dynamic Duo but I will have in my possession the Jeweled Key of Kaincardine.
- The what? -Ho-ho-ho.
The diamonds with which it is encrusted are worth a king's ransom, Cornelia.
Not to mention the rubies in its loop, the emeralds in its stern the sapphires in its collar, and the fire opals in its bit.
Ah.
It's so good.
Aye.
The Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder.
Well, it's good to have you here.
Help yourself to a doch-an-dorris.
It's a breath of heather from me brewster, my golly.
Thank you, Mr.
Ferguson, but we'd just like to browse a bit.
Browse, aye, browse.
Browse to the content of your stout heart.
What's a doch-an-dorris? Gaelic for stirrup cup, Robin.
- A drink usually taken on parting.
-You think he wants to get rid of us'? I think we should try to act as casual as possible, old chum.
Hmm.
A rare acquisition.
"The key to the Bastille cell block in which the man in the iron mask was imprisoned.
" How could Mr.
Ferguson have gotten that? A golden key opens every lock, Robin.
Shall we? Holy keyhole.
If there's any dirty work afoot, you can be sure this key is the hoped-for target.
It must be worth a fortune.
More than a fortune, Boy Wonder.
It's priceless.
And you're right, Batman, my target is the Jeweled Key of Kaincardine.
Which, luckily, we will prevent you from obtaining.
Ho-ho! I wonder, Caped Crusader.
I anticipated your presence here today.
And I believe my newest invention will render you helpless while I transfer ownership of the priceless jeweled key.
- Are you all right, Robin? -I think so, Batman.
What happened? - I'm not sure.
-Look, it's gone.
It certainly is gone.
It most certainly is gone.
And if that key is nay found and returned at once I'll sue this city for $8,000,523 and a threepenny bit.
- But, Mr.
Ferguson-- -The charge will be grand larceny.
You'll hear from my law agent because you can say "Jack McRobinson.
" And you, you two muttonheads, after I offered you a wee doch-an-dorris Gotham City still holds you in great esteem, Dynamic Duo.
The word, uh, "muttonheads" was most unfortunate.
It was right.
We were standing in that alcove while the Joker made off with the jeweled key.
It's hard to explain.
What did happen, Batman? He had some kind of contraption, a small box with a key.
Which sparked and hummed.
He said it would render us helpless while he pulled off the robbery.
And it did.
Although, I don't know exactly how yet.
If this device could do that to the two of you, think-- I have thought, commissioner.
The theft of the Jeweled Key of Kaincardine is only secondary.
There are many devious tricks up that crafty clown's sleeve.
He must be stopped before he makes a laughing stock, not only of Robin and me your fine department but all of Gotham City.
And in conclusion, let me repeat the hope that Batman and Robin were in no way helping the Joker steal the Jeweled Key of Kaincardine from Mr.
Ferguson's collection today just because the Dynamic Duo stood by ineffectively.
Ineffectively? What an unpleasant innuendo.
There is a rumor around Gotham City tonight that the Joker has some new invention against which the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder are powerless.
Enough of rumors.
It's about time for The Green Hornet.
You're right, Bruce.
Citizens of Gotham City, this is the Joker.
Corning to you through your key station via my high-powered jamming system and particularly addressing Batman, wherever you are.
Foiled, failed, frustrated and so defenseless, I'll even give you a clue to my next crime.
Don't give a hoot for the hobnailed, but look for a bow and a bobtail.
Joker is in one of his more generous moods providing us with clues.
Let's provide him with a little action.
To the Batpoles.
In his strange and evil way, Robin the Joker sometimes exhibits a bit of twisted honesty.
I think we can ignore the first half of the clue as he suggested and concentrate on "look for a bow and bobtails.
" What do you mean, "twisted honesty"? He's trying to stomp us, isn't he? Let's say he wants us to take his tricky bait the hard way.
Like we did today.
I think I have the solution to that too, Robin.
When he was younger, the Joker was a well-known hypnotist.
- Holy mesmerism.
-Exactly.
Catching us off-guard and using that ingenious box and key as a temporary diversion he momentarily had us in his power.
But that's water under the bridge.
Now, "look for a bow and bobtails.
" A bow.
Bow nut, bowline, bowlegs, Bo Peep-- Rainbow? No, I suspect there is some other key t-- Key.
Of course.
The loop of a key.
The handle is also called a bow.
Now, bobtails.
Bobtailed horse, bobtailed drawbridge.
Bobtailed flush in poker, bobtailed lynx.
Lynx? Cufflinks? A golf course? L-Y-N-X.
A bobtailed species of wild cat with a valuable fur varying in color of-- That's it, Robin.
And the way he emphasized "foiled, failed, frustrated and defenseless.
" Sure, Batman.
He must have the key to Franchin's Fancy Fur Salon.
Let's go.
One moment, Robin.
This requires unusual precaution.
Oh, I know diamonds are supposed to be a girl's best friend but I could get real chummy with some mink or ermine.
Oh, I'll take three or four of these and a couple of gorillas.
I think you mean chinchilla, Cornelia.
One of the rarest and most costly of furs.
Oh, well, that's exactly what I mean.
Aren't you afraid we'll get caught in a place like this, this time of night? Ha.
With my duplicate key to the manager's office we came through his private entrance.
Which has no burglar alarm.
And Latch and Bolt are in the front hall, on guard.
Ho-ho! With two recruits.
Ha, ha! But what about the clue you broadcast to Batman? Aha.
Precisely why I brought my little magic box.
I'm looking forward to giving Batman and Robin another taste of its unique power.
- This time the joke's going to be on the Joker.
-So let's get the jump on him.
Ooh! Ho-ho-ho! Good evening, friends.
Something's wrong.
The key must be broken.
It's not the key to that box that's broken, Joker, it's your hypnotic power over us.
Well, it worked before.
This time we took our counter-hypnosis Bat-pellets from our Bat-capsule dispensary.
Latch, Bolt, everybody! Nothing but some wires and a little battery.
Exactly, Robin.
We didn't give him time to induce hypnosis.
But as I've said, that monstrous mountebank is full of mad maneuvers.
Would you like me to bring down some breakfast, sir? The human body can only go so long without proper food, drink and sleep.
It's only been one night, Alfred.
And we have to trap the Joker once and for all.
If I might suggest a thought, sir? Oh, please, do.
It struck me that recently most of his messages have involved twists on words.
Wordplays on keys, particularly.
Now, if in his private life-- Precisely the course we've been pursuing, Alfred.
Robin, what have you come up with? Keyboard, key bugle, key fruit, keynote address key signature, Keystone State.
Uh, by "private life," I meant a change of identity.
Possibly an assumed name.
- Holy pseudonym.
-Of course, Alfred, why didn't we think of that? Would you mind handing me the telephone directory? - Here you are, sir.
-Thank you.
I programmed a Batcomputer feedback circuit to isolate key name metaphors in the greater Gotham City telephone directory.
It's gotta be one of these.
Mrs.
Carrie B.
Keypin.
No, I don't think he'd be masquerading as a woman.
- The Locker Room? -An English grill I occasionally frequent.
Superb suet pudding.
Louie Latch? What about this one? Clavier Ankh.
- Clavier Ankh? What kind of a name is that? -A very revealing name, Robin.
The clavier is the keyboard of an organ.
An ankh is a sacred Egyptian cross symbolizing the key of life.
Gosh, Batman.
And the address.
"Number 1, Dugan Alley.
" That's worthy of note.
-It's a cool pad, Joker.
-Ha.
All you've seen of this cool pad, Cornelia, is that mirror.
Vanity is a waste of time.
I never look at myself.
Well, I'm younger, Joker, and a girl.
And it is a cool pad.
Well, it will do for the purpose.
Do you think Batman's smart enough to find it? Oh, he's an adversary almost worthy of me, Cornelia but soon will only be the skeleton of one.
And sooner than I planned, in fact.
There's the Batmobile now.
The Dynamic Duo are somewhat unorthodox, Cornelia.
No doubt they'll come up the outside wall.
You know what to do.
And Latch and Bolt are waiting to help while Uncle Clavier double-checks his Human Key Duplicator.
You mean a real live one? Uh, you'll see, Cornelia.
Oh, at last the end of Batman and Robin is in sight.
And I can start planning the craftiest caper of my career.
Your, uh, daily workout, Batman? Yes.
Crime-fighters have to stay in shape.
- But you know that.
-Well, my job is a little easier.
Sometimes a fast gun has the edge on a fast Bat-rope.
I'm not invading your territory.
I'm just tracking down a clue incognito.
Welcome and good luck.
If you need help, locate us through Commissioner Gordon's office.
The Batphone number is unlisted.
Smart thinking.
Don't slip.
Brave men, Jim.
You startled me.
I'm sorry, young lady.
We're here to pay Mr.
Clavier Ankh a little unexpected visit.
This is his apartment, isn't it? Uncle Clavier is in the, uh, library.
May I ask who's calling? Batman and Robin.
Oh, yes.
This way, please.
Girl from the fur salon.
I'm afraid this could be a trap, Batman.
He who knows how to fear, Robin, knows how to proceed with safety.
A translation from the Latin.
Maybe I should have told you, the library is in the cellar.
To make this Human Key Duplicator I also made some brilliant changes and innovations.
But I'm sure you understand the basic principles, Batman.
You are in this vise.
A duplicate blank key is in this vise.
And when I activate the motor and the vises start turning that cutting blade will do its grooviest work on you.
You monster.
A grown man like me should be prepared to meet his maker at any time but not a boy like Robin.
What diabolical plan do you have for him? First a wax spray job.
Somewhat similar to what you get when you have the Batmobile washed.
It takes a week or so for the wax to harden properly.
Until then, who knows? A notched key for a lock with many wards, hmm? Do I have to watch all this, Joker? The reflection is icky.
Oh, not if it makes you squeamish, Cornelia.
All right, to the Wax Spray Chamber for the Boy Wonder.
Start with a light spray.
When every pore in his body is filled with wax, we'll apply a heavier coating.
Let's get the skeletonizing process over with, Batman, while you're all keyed up.
Have you a last word for posterity? Only this, Joker.
Evil sometimes triumphs temporarily, but never conquers.
If I have time, Batman, I'll see that that is properly engraved on your tombstone.
In the meantime