Big Nate (2022) s02e21 Episode Script

[crashing]
[frogs croaking]
[squirrels chittering]
- [straining]
[screaming]
[laughs]
- Where is Nate?
He knows I get
performance anxiety,
and his lateness
is making it worse!
- [groans]
- Finally!
Nate, where have you been?
- [grunts]
- [giggles]
- Everywhere.
Nowhere. [sighs]
I've been wandering
aimlessly through a swamp
of heartbreak ever since
[sniffles]
Ruby.
- Bruh, you're still
bummed about that?
- I know how getting dumped
by a human girl feels.
And a bird.
And a trashbot.
But we're about to go on.
Can you pull it together,
just for this?
- [sighs]
I guess.
- Great. Do you all
remember the lyrics
to the new song I wrote,
"My Number 2 Pencil"?
- [sniffles]
Ruby returned
the pencil I gave her
on our two-week anniversary,
and--[sobs]
It's got her teeth marks on it.
Her molars have forever
left an impression
on this wood and my heart!
[sobbing]
[students screaming]
- Fear the Mollusk!
Quickly!
- Good luck, guys.
Tough crowd.
- [clears throat]
One, two, three.
- Oh, you're my
Number 2 pencil ♪
And I love
to hold you tight ♪
Not too soft, not too hard ♪
Oh, you just feel write ♪
Oh ♪
You are long,
lean, and yellow ♪
- Oh, Ruby.
This one's for you.
Oh, what is the point? ♪
She snapped my heart in two ♪
She erased me from her life ♪
What am I supposed to do? ♪
- Francis, those
aren't the lyrics.
- She put our love
in a sharpener ♪
And now she's
probably using ♪
The Number 2 pencil
of some other dude ♪
Of some other dude ♪
[sobbing]
[crying]
Ruby!
[crying]
[somber music]
Ahh!
[sobbing]
Big Nate.
Oof!
[whimpers]
- Oh, my gosh. He's so sad.
I heard he got his heart broken
by a high schooler.
- I heard he's got
a third nipple.
- Lucky.
- Hey, guys. Wait up.
[sighs] Ruby troubles
still got you down?
- Yeah.
Thanks to Nate's broken heart,
our audition stunk.
- She dumped me
and won't take me back.
I tried everything.
[sobbing]
[rock music]
♪
[screams]
Hmm.
[sobbing]
[wood chipper whirring]
[panting, grunting]
[grunts]
[sobbing]
- Nate, we wanted to tell you
that we loved what you did
at the auditions yesterday.
- The performance was so raw.
We could literally
feel your pain.
It hurt so good.
- See?
I told you he's the real deal.
So emo.
- Wait, you guys
were into that?
- Oh, absolutely.
- We love pain.
- Do you know what this means?
- Uh, that the youth today
is borderline masochistic,
fetishizing mental
and emotional anguish,
and thereby
subconsciously utilizing
complex psychological issues
as social currency?
- Huh? I, uh--maybe.
B--but the talent show.
- Oh, yeah.
We're back, baby!
- For the talent show, I was
going to perform the monologue
from "Hamlet" from
the POV of Yorick's skull,
but I decided to take it
in a more nuanced direction.
Get this.
I'm world-premiering
the monologue from the POV
of Yorick's femur.
It's totally different.
Never been done before.
- A word to the wise,
groundlings.
Anyone entering the talent
show should take a page
out of Nate Wright's playbook.
To be a great performer,
you need to know pain.
- What?
That can't be true.
I love method acting as
much as the next thespian,
but we don't all need
to actually be tortured.
- [laughs]
Only a sheltered actor
destined for mediocre obscurity
would utter such
piddling codswallop.
To perform "Hamlet,"
one must have edge.
One needs to have suffered.
- But I have a great life,
and I've always managed to
deliver powerful performances,
if I do say so myself.
- Mmm.
How powerful are
those performances really
if you don't know
your character's pain?
Mmm?
- Ooh.
- Oh, hello children.
Here is double helping
of Carnivore Surprise.
- Ugh.
- Oh, hello also, boy
with heart ripped from chest.
I am big fan of your new song.
I play it during
karate lessons.
[heart thumping]
[mournful music]
- [sighs]
- Whoa!
He's so sensitive and--
- So emo.
- Hmph.
- Hey, what's wrong?
- Nothing.
And that's what's wrong.
- What are you talking about?
- I got great friends,
an amazing girlfriend,
and my parents love
me unconditionally.
It's a perfect life.
How am I supposed
to become a great actor
under those conditions?
[groans]
[bright classical music]
Hmph.
- Everything okay, Dee Dee?
You've barely touched
your meatless meatloaf.
It's your favorite.
- This is exactly the kind
of parental concern
that's destroying
my acting career.
- What was that, sweetie?
- [sighs] Nothing.
- Oh, shnookums.
If you're done eating,
how about you go do the dishes?
The family chore chart says
it's your turn tonight.
- I do love that chore chart.
See how it's color-coded
to make sure
we all do our fair share?
No slow building
resentments in this family.
[both giggling]
- [grumbles]
Hmm?
How am I going to deliver
the monologue of a lifetime
when I'm so well-adjusted?
[both giggling]
[maniacal laugh]
[tense music]
♪
- Huh.
Where did Dee Dee go?
- [giggles] This is it.
Family drama, here I come-a.
- Wasn't Dee Dee supposed
to do the dishes?
- Yes, but guess she forgot.
- Hey!
Aren't you gonna
yell at me or something?
I didn't clean that.
- Of course we're not gonna
yell at you, pumpkin.
- We've got your back, sweetie.
We understand that you've
probably got a lot of homework.
And homework comes fir--
- I don't have homework.
I don't have any reason.
I just don't feel like it.
- Oh.
I see what's happening here.
- She's reached her next
development milestone.
- Rebellious tween stage.
- [groans] I'll show you
rebellious tween stage.
[downbeat rock music]
♪
- Hey.
- [grunts]
- Hmph.
So what do you think?
- [sighs]
I think nothing matters.
Life is fleeting, and we're
all just dying organisms,
floating around on a boulder
in an endless abyss
of darkness and pain.
- Uh, friend Nate,
we know you are to be
very heartbroken right now.
But what if you please
put pieces of heart
into song like before?
- Artur is right.
For the first time ever,
people are into our music
and your singing.
- Yeah, bruh.
The sadder we sound,
the better our shot
at winning the talent show.
The whole school's on our side.
- [groans]
[bell dinging]
- Hey, Nate.
- Huh?
- Ruby!
- [stammering] Ruby.
I'm here.
I mean, uh, you're here,
which is, uh--which is great.
Because I, uh--
so--so--so am I.
- Smooth.
- I wanted to tell you
how much I loved
your performance yesterday.
I didn't know you had
more than one dimension.
- I do?
- I can't wait to see you
guys at the talent show.
Wanna maybe hang out tomorrow?
- [gasps]
[gasp continues]
Ow!
I mean, yeah.
Yeah, that sounds--
that sounds--sure.
- Cool.
See you tomorrow.
- Ruby!
- What are you
slackers waiting for?
We've got a talent show to win.
[bell dings]
- 'Cause you're the last
of a dying breed ♪
Write our names
in the wet concrete ♪
I wonder if your therapist
knows everything about me ♪
I'm here in search
of your glory ♪
There's been
a million before me ♪
That ultra kind of love ♪
You never walk away from ♪
You're just the last
of the real ones ♪
♪
You're just the last
of the real ones ♪
- [screams]
[crowd cheering]
You're just the last
of the real ones ♪
You're just
the last of real ones ♪
You're just the last
of the real ones ♪
You're just
the last of the real ones ♪
You're just the last
of the real ones ♪
♪
- Hm?
- I am a collapsing star
with tunnel vision ♪
But only for you ♪
- Oh, yeah!
But only for you ♪
My head is stripped just
like a screw that's been ♪
Tightened too many times ♪
When I think of you ♪
When I think of you ♪
- Hm?
- I will shield you
from the waves ♪
If they find you ♪
- Hmm.
- I will protect you ♪
I will protect you ♪
Just tell me, tell me,
tell me ♪
I, I am the only one ♪
Even if it's not true ♪
Even if it's not true ♪
Yeah ♪
'Cause you're the last
of a dying breed ♪
- [groans]
Write our names
in the wet concrete ♪
I wonder if
your therapist knows ♪
[music fades out]
- Anyone catching
a weird vibe
in the cafeteria?
- [groans]
[tense music]
- [neck cracks]
- [slurping]
- Nate, are your
spikes perkier?
[bell dings]
- Maybe.
[laughs] So?
- Someone looks
happy.
[tense music]
- Hey, thanks, man.
- Poseur.
- Gulp.
[dog panting, sniffing]
[dog howls]
[metal music blaring]
♪
- [muffled] Dee Dee.
we have a little
something for you.
- [giggles] This is it.
Here come the troubled
tween pamphlets.
They're totally gonna
send me away.
[inhales deeply]
Ya?
- Ta-da!
- Wha--
- We got you a first-edition
copy of "Hamlet."
It's from the 1600s.
- [quivering]
- Ooh, there's something rotten
in the state of Rackleff.
- Oh.
Well, anyway, we know
how hard you've
been working at your
monologue for the talent show,
so we wanted to give
you something special.
- Seriously?
Oh, wow.
I--I mean
ugh.
I--I won't be baited
into better behavior
by some extremely important,
historic,
and ridiculously thoughtful
pile of dust.
[cat meows]
[yowls]
You probably just
want me to run away
and make your lives easier.
- Dee Dee, of course
we don't want you to run away.
But if you feel that
it's right for you,
then we support your decision.
- This go-bag has
been here for years.
- We've actually
been anticipating
your rebellious phase
for a while now.
- [groans]
[door slams]
I can't win.
- I missed you today,
my little cuddle bucket.
- I missed you too,
sugar spikes.
- [gags]
You guys were only apart
today for, like, five minutes.
- Worst five minutes
of my life.
- Hey, I think I'm gonna need
a cuddle bucket of my own
to yak in. [retches]
- I, for one, am filled
with much happiness
to see friend Nate happy again.
[grunts]
- I had to use a whole
bottle of hair gel
to keep his spikes
down this morning.
- [giggles]
- Speaking of our fans, they
seemed pretty upset today.
- Isn't that their thing?
Besides, I've got some genius
ideas for some new songs.
No need to worry, Fran Fran.
- You should have
said that sooner.
We've been wasting
all this time.
- Yeah, listening to you
to be all ooey-gooey.
- It makes me tingly.
[laughs]
- Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Relax. Let's see.
Uh, ooh, ooh.
"Let's Hear it for Joy."
- Yeah!
- No? Okay. Okay.
Let's try, uh--ooh.
"Love to Love
Your Love Stink."
- [laughs]
That's hilarious, Nate.
Now, come on.
Let's hear something
depressing.
You are just so cute
when you're broken.
- Uh--
- I agree with Ruby.
None of this matches
our new image.
- Yeah, I--I don't care
if it matches our new image.
It sucked being
down in the dumps.
It was the total opposite
of being awesome.
I'm never going down that dark,
un-awesome road again.
- If we want to win
the talent show,
your life needs
to be miserable.
- Yeah, man.
Just pretend you're your dad.
- That's hurtful.
- Oh, so you get to be happy,
but I don't?
- Uh, I think I'm
gonna get going.
My mom needs help
fracking our toilet
or something.
- Ruby, wait! Come back!
- Amy.
He-hey.
Check me out.
I'm really doing it.
I'm roughing it
like the greats.
- Dee Dee, you can't
sleep out here alone.
- I'm not alone.
Janet's here, too.
- Do either of you
have a cup of sugar?
- Janet, you've asked me
that six times already.
- Oh.
And did you give it to me?
- Look, Dee Dee,
I've seen great performers
on Broadway who came
from good, loving homes.
It's not a bad thing
to have support in your life.
- Hmm. Oh.
[laughs]
I see what's happening here.
Admit it.
You can't handle me.
- I know what you're doing,
and I'm not gonna
fight with you, Dee Dee.
I'm not your Ophelia.
You know, there are enough
problems in the world.
You don't need to create them.
[gentle music]
♪
- Okay.
How about a song called
"Deviated Septum"?
- Deviated what now?
- Look, guys, the talent
show is tonight.
We need to figure this out.
And, Nate, you don't
look sad enough.
- [stammering] Stop it!
Ruby wants me to be sad.
The--the fans
want me to be sad.
You dorks want me to be sad.
- I'm up.
What's happening?
- I can't even enjoy
all the attention
I'm getting because I have
to act miserable!
[echoing] Miserable!
Miserable!
You know what?
If you guys aren't okay
with me being okay here,
well, then I'll go
be okay somewhere else.
Okay? [grunts]
[Dee Dee snoring]
[melancholy rock music]
What do they
want from me? ♪
Emo dream boy wannabe ♪
[car horns honking]
Eyeliner and angsty anthems ♪
The only way she'll
join my fandom ♪
She threw my heart
for a loop ♪
Why am I always
covered in goop? ♪
It's in my hair
and everywhere ♪
Oh, that's it! ♪
I don't care ♪
[upbeat rock music]
It was then I decided ♪
I never thought
I'd see the day ♪
Oh, I really am okay ♪
Don't tell me
that I'm not okay ♪
♪
It looks like
she's gone again ♪
But I really can't complain ♪
The pain has finally
taken a permanent vacay ♪
Even if no one
accepts me this way ♪
Uh, seriously, guys, I'm okay.
It was then I decided ♪
I never thought
I'd see that day ♪
Oh, I really am okay ♪
Don't tell me that
I'm not okay ♪
♪
[dissonant circus music]
- [cackling]
[grunts, chuckles]
[growling]
- Dee Dee on deck.
Dee Dee?
Wherefore is that Dee Dee?
- [panting] I'm here.
I--I'm ready to crush
my monologue.
- Ahh!
By Aladdin's calf muscle.
Dee Dee, look like you just
got into a fight
with a goat and lost.
- Actually, yeah,
that's pretty accurate.
[shivering]
[suspenseful music]
- [grunts]
- [growls]
[bell dings]
[grunts, screams]
I've been making myself suffer
to become a better actor,
like you said.
- [growls]
[toy squeaks]
[toy squeaks]
- Good luck following
that, buttmunch.
- Okay, I got this.
I got this.
[yawns] Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh. This never happens.
What's my line again?
Oh.
[tense music]
♪
Uh.
Oh, um, I--
I, uh--
femur?
[cricket chirping]
[crowd booing]
[crying]
I don't want to be here.
- I can't believe Nate is
doing this to me again!
- Friend Nate is
to be here soon, yes?
- I hope so because Freakout
Francis is freaking me out.
- Would you stop that?
[balloon deflating]
[somber music]
- Dee Dee?
What are you doing here?
- I could ask you
the same thing.
Shouldn't you be at
the talent show, like, now?
- [sighs] Yeah.
I'm supposed to be.
But Ruby, my band,
and all the fans--
I mean, they want me
to show up and act all sad.
But that's not
what I am anymore.
- I get it.
I sabotaged things with Amy,
my relationship
with my parents,
and even my performance,
all because I thought
I wasn't suffering enough.
- You want suffering?
Try wearing
bubble-wrap underwear.
[yelps]
Listen, kids.
Forget what everyone
else thinks.
Just be true to yourselves.
Like me.
I couldn't be happier.
- Truth, Janet. Respect.
By the way, do you want
to crash at my place
for a couple nights?
We have plenty of space
and a really nice comfy couch.
- No, thanks.
I actually live in
that house right there.
I just stay out here
to catch aliens.
I'm gonna rock
the scientific community
one day with my truth.
Onward, Vincent!
[goat bleats]
- Whoa. That's it!
Dee Dee, I know
what we have to do.
- And now, for the performance
you've all been waiting for,
Fear the Mollusk!
[cheering]
[crowd gasps]
- [nervous chuckle]
- What is she doing up there?
- Hi, everyone.
I--I'm back.
So I learned something
important this week
that I need to share.
[sentimental music]
[breathes deeply]
It's okay to be okay.
- What?
[sighs]
[thud]
- And you don't need
to be miserable
to be a great artiste.
[booing]
- Dee Dee is right.
Being depressed blows.
So does eyeliner.
You know what?
Slouching stinks too.
- As Polonius says in "Hamlet,"
"To thine own self be true."
- We're kids, and we have our
whole lives to be miserable.
Like my dad.
- I am just trying
to take a bath.
- So instead of playing
another mopey song
about doubt and despair--
yuck--
we're gonna play something
meaningless and fun.
Okay, guys, you ready?
"Cafeteria Mush" on three.
Okay. One, two, three!
[dramatic tone]
Wow.
They were not into that.
Who knew preteens loved
being unhappy so much?
- Pretty much the whole world.
- Well, I stand by my motto--
make farts, not war.
- Is eating ice cream
supposed to hurt this much?
- It is if you do it right.
[slurping]
[screams]
[ice shatters]
Yep!
Delicious.
- Hey, I'm really sorry.
Thank you for
being so supportive
of me no matter what.
I really am a lucky girl.
- And a great actress.
- So how do you think
Ruby's gonna feel
about the whole not-emo Nate?
- Oh, I'm pretty sure I know.
[rimshot]
- Oof.
Sorry.
- It's cool.
The truth is,
I like being happy,
and I should be with somebody
who appreciates that.
- Yeah.
Like how Vincent van Gogh
appreciates
my passion for alien hunting.
[ominous music]
♪
- Bah.
[all screaming]
- It was then I decided ♪
I never thought
I'd see the day ♪
Oh, I really am okay ♪
Don't tell me
that I'm not okay ♪
♪
It looks like
she's gone again ♪
But I really can't complain ♪
The pain has finally
taken a permanent vacay ♪
Even if no one
accepts me this way ♪