Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e21 Episode Script

So I gave up bacon art after I made a bacon fire hydrant, and nearly went nuts over what to do with it.
It's my toilet, it's my lunch.
It's my toilet, it's my lunch, it's my toilet and my lunch.
So that was my day.
Now that my blogging is done for the night, let's see what's going on at Sumner park.
Ooh, there's an event coming up.
I'm Tom Fairbanks, the billionaire philanthropist and inventor.
Oh, wait, you can't see me.
That's because I'm wearing the Tom Fairbanks stealth suit.
Only five million dollars.
Pays for itself in all the free movies you get to sneak into.
Over time.
Lots of Lots of time.
Tom Fairbanks! What's he doing in my neighborhood park? And why did I pause the video when that very question is, no doubt, about to be answered? I'll be showing off this invention and many others this weekend at my animal rescue charity fundraiser right here in Sumner park.
Let's go, ladies.
Do you believe that, Robert? Tom Fairbanks is coming.
Robert? Robert? Are you in one of those invisible suits, too? Oh, there you are.
Should have known you wouldn't be wearing a stealth suit.
You love showin' off that bod.
Tom Fairbanks is the world's most awesome, outrageous rich guy.
Just last month, he bought an active volcano just to open a lava-themed restaurant.
It burned down in two hours from a grease fire.
No one saw that coming.
We have to figure out a way to get in to meet him.
- I just wish we had tickets.
- I have ticks.
I also have fleas and ringworm.
Will any of those get us in? I should really be trying to get in to see a vet.
I know how we can get in.
Tunnel in over a period of years using a spoon, and disposing of the dirt in the yard during exercise time? I was gonna say we could just ask Avery for help.
- What are you guys doing here? - How did you get in? I used something called a computer, went on something called the Internet, and bought something called a ticket.
Respect.
I can't wait to meet Tom Fairbanks.
I admire the way he gives back, all the animals he's saved.
Such an inspiration.
I love him, too.
Always doing charity stuff for animals.
Well, I love what he does for dogs.
His cat work is totally unnecessary.
I want him to sign my copy of his book, if I can succeed, so can you, but probably not as much as me.
If I've learned anything from Tom Fairbanks, it's that you never stop, unless you come to a red light or a stop sign.
It's all in his driving manual if I can drive, so can you, but probably not as much as me.
Hey, you guys are gonna get us all in trouble.
You guys are all in trouble.
What are you gonna do once I use the Tom Fairbanks stealth suit? There's nothing here, is there? I love that song.
Chloe, what are you doing? I'm dusting for fingerprints.
I'm not Chloe, I'm Savannah Snoops, kid detective and equestrian.
By the way, I need a horse.
Honey, just because you read those Savannah Snoops books, doesn't mean you can get in my way.
Now clean up this mess.
I will, but right now, the family room is a crime scene, and you're my number-one suspect.
Don't leave town, except to take me to the water park.
I'm super looking forward to that.
Chloe, I'm not playing this game with you.
Come on.
You never wanna play.
Please play with me.
Please, please, please.
Of course I'll play with you, sweetie.
Now, where'd you steal that ring from, you dirty hooligan? Chloe, it is not nice to call me a dirty hooligan.
Acceptable names are sweet mommy, mother dear, and pretty mama.
Where'd you steal that ring from, you sweet mommy? This is the engagement ring your father gave me.
Not the one I picked out, a little on the yellow side, but it's fine, it's fine.
I know you and this "daddy" character are international jewel thieves.
It says so right here.
Chloe, you made that.
No.
It was made by Savannah Snoops, kid detective, equestrian, and bibliophile.
By the way, I need to know what that means.
Looks like Savannah Snoops is on a case.
What did you do, you dirty hooligan? Bennett, she's taking this too far.
It's getting in the way of my cleaning.
We should encourage her creativity.
Bennett, she hid a lipstick camera in my lipstick.
What?! Don't you think you might be overreacting, honey? Chloe's just doing some harmless role playing.
I don't know, I just get the feeling she's spying on me.
Why are you throwing me out? I purchased a ticket weeks in advance, dressed appropriately, and only took one lobster spring roll while everyone else gorged themselves.
I saw what you did, you animals.
I'm throwing you out because you helped this kid and his dog sneak in.
Plus, it's one of the few perks to being Tom Fairbanks' assistant.
Except for making these two laugh.
Laugh.
Glorious.
There's Tom Fairbanks! Over here, we have something I think you're all gonna love.
It's the Tom Fairbanks crash cocoon.
If you wipe out doing a dangerous stunt, it will encase you in a protective bubble before you can say So instead you go, aaahh ooh.
Whee! I can use this to help Tyler and Avery.
Please, Mr.
Fairbanks, get me outta here.
Would if I could, Doug.
You see, this is a prototype, employing the most cutting edge fiber optic polymer technology.
And we forgot the zippers.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Whoa, whose dog is this? He's our dog.
And I am so excited to meet you.
I am more excited than she is.
I'm also taller and have better hair.
What a majestic creature.
Look at that face, those ears, that regal jaw.
Oh, breathtaking.
Well, I can see my reflection in his eyes.
He's quite remarkable, as well.
What's my secret? Every night, I have a really good cry.
Flushes out the salt and the sorrow.
Just this morning, I was sketching the perfect dog, and your dog is an exact match.
I want to hire this dogas a poster dog for my animal rescue charity.
He'll be in commercials and print ads all around the world.
He'll be the most famous dog on the planet.
That's awesome! But I've heard how these photo shoots go.
The collar stays on.
So we'll work out the details, and get Stan here working as the new poster dog for my animal charity, Fairbanks animal rescue team.
Don't use the initials.
Fart.
Don't announce it.
Just say "excuse me.
" Excuse me.
See, that's how it's done.
I can't believe Tom Fairbanks wants me to be his poster dog for animal rescue.
How should I pose? Ooh, how about like this? I'm a tiger.
Rrowwrr! Oh, fart! I just got it.
Now that makes sense.
Stan, if you become a famous poster dog, you'll be recognized everywhere you go.
You won't be able to do all the special things you do, like drive a car and dance the tango, dress up in costumes.
I live to dress up.
Live.
Well, you won't be able to do it in public.
If you're famous, everything you do will be scrutinized.
If you do anything special, people will realizeyou're more than just a normal dog.
Stan, if you take Tom's deal, from now on, everywhere you go, you'll have to be Just a dog.
It's times like this I wish I'd never dumped my witch girlfriend by text back when I was a human.
- What? - No, no, just kidding.
I've always been a talking dog.
Though I did text-dump a witch once.
Now, Ruby, before we begin our first session, I want you to know that this room is a safe place where you can feel comfortable talking about anything.
It's just you and me.
Okay, you're gonna need to leave this room for a minute.
I want you to sit out here and read chapter seven of my book, transference and counter-transference in a psychotherapeutic setting.
Then we'll discuss, huh? Yay! Chloe.
It is okay for you to read your Savannah Snoops books and play with mommy, but it is not okay for you to spy in here when I have patients.
Why? What are you hiding? Mr.
Fairbanks, we've considered your offer, and we have to say no.
No?! Wait a second.
I don't believe in the word "no.
" I also don't believe kids' meals should be just for kids.
What if I want to eata small portion of chicken fingers while trying to get out of the maze with a crayon? I'm sorry, Mr.
Fairbanks.
Being famous isn't in Stan's best interest.
Wow, you kids are really standing up to me.
I don't like that.
I'm gonna talk to the real decision makers, your parents.
I'll offer them money, power, ownership in an underdog hockey team, with the odds stacked against them.
They won't win, but they'll make it to the finals, teaching us all what winning really is.
You see, I get what I want.
Well, I guess we can't stop you, or the spirit of that scrappy team.
Why don't you come over tonight, and we'll work the whole thing out? Perfect.
You see, I get what I want.
You already said that.
I know, but I wanted that to be the last thing I say.
You see, I get what I want.
There.
Oh! I get what I want.
Avery, why would you invite Tom over to talk to our parents? They don't know Stan's secret, so they won't have a problem making the deal, especially if Tom pressures them.
You know how mom and dad are.
They're not like other Americans.
They're impressed by famous rich people and do whatever they say.
Tom is determined.
He is going to talk to mom and dad.
This way, we can trick him.
I invited him over tonight because mom and dad will be with Chloe at her healthy muffins meeting.
While they're gone, we'll get actors to play our parents, and they can turn Tom down.
My buddy Danny does a great impression of a cartoon duck.
Will that help us? That won't even help Danny.
Hey, Avery, what about emerson and Carol, the retired actors from the senior center we volunteer at? You guys volunteer at a senior center? Where do you think we're going when we say, "okay, we're going to volunteer at the senior center now"? Oh, I thought you were lying, like when I say, "okay, I'm gonna volunteer at the senior center now.
" Well, emerson and Carol are a little old, but I'll just say that they're our grandparents.
Who take care of us, no problem.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
We're gonna get some old actors to pretend to be our guardians in order to tell a billionaire thathe can't sign our secret talking dog - to a modeling contract.
- Yes.
I love this plan.
Let's do it.
It's an exciting night, Chloe, being awarded a music badge for learning to play the troop anthem on your recorder.
I should get the badge.
I had to listen to it 100 times.
Just be happy the healthy muffins meeting will distract her from playing Savannah Snoops.
It was no big deal when she was bothering me, but when she disturbs your work, it's suddenly a problem.
Can we go? And why are we talking like this? Hey, you guys need to leave before tom orrow.
Tomorrow, the way you guys are lingering, it'll be tomorrow before you get there.
I think you'd wanna get there Todd-ay.
Todd-ay.
I once dated a guy named Todd day.
No, it was Ron knight.
No, it was Frank Johnson, but he also confused me, much like this conversation.
Savannah Snoops is on the case.
Why are you in a hurry to get rid of us? Are you and Avery up to something? Chloe, Avery and Iare just hangin' out and watching TV.
Go to your thing and leave us alone.
Aha! I got you.
This recorder is actually a lie detector.
If you're lying, it plays "yankee doodle.
" I thought so! - Are they gone? - Is the coast clear? Yeah.
Where's the old couple? This isn't a theater, it's a house.
You told me we were acting in a theater.
Excuse me for pulling you away from your busy evening of complaining about how loud the television is.
It is loud.
It's always loud.
It has to be loud to hear it over you.
They kind of have a rocky marriage.
Shouldn't be a problem.
All right, come on in.
Let's get down to business.
The play that you're auditioning or is all improvised, so for your audition, do an improv scene here tonight a big, strange improv scene.
You'll be playing the grandparents.
Or I could be a wide-eyed Minnesota farm girl.
Oh, yeah, there sure is a lot of snow here in Minnesota where I'm talking to you from.
You'll take whatever part you can get.
We're working in a child's living room, for crying out loud.
By the way, you have a lovely house.
Okay, then.
Another actor will arrive, playing the role of the eccentric billionaire who wants to sign our dog to a modeling contract.
No matter what this guy offers you, your answer should always be no.
I'm gonna go freshen up.
On the bus over here, I sat next to a loon who wouldn't stop yelling! - You were sitting next to me.
- I know.
Man, I love that loon on the bus routine.
I hope they do the one about the food being too hot, like they do at the senior center.
"You're blowing soup all over the table.
" It's a classic.
And action.
Hello, Mr.
Fairbanks.
Please come in.
Wait, sir, I can't Tom Fairbanks, eccentric billionaire.
That's what the press calls me.
I prefer billionaire of the people.
Emerson.
The grandfather.
Carol, former wide-eyed Minnesota farm girl Dontcha know.
Rein it in, Carol.
So where are your parents? We have a deal to discuss before I head off to the black tie gala for my animal charity fundraiser.
I'm presenting a lifetime farty award.
Discuss the deal with our grandparents.
They're our guardians, since our parents spend most of the year away on - Business.
- What sort of business? - They are - International jewel thieves.
- What?! - We're so ashamed.
Do you really expect me to believe that? Yeah.
Do you? This wanted poster doesn't lie.
Why would you leave your parent' wanted poster laying around? They're the only recent pictures we have of them.
Well, since you're in charge, I'm prepared to offer you one million dollars for your dog Stan to be the face of my charity.
No, I love that dog.
You can't have him, not for any price.
Never, never! Rein it in, grandma.
I'm not taking your dog, I'm just hiring him.
But I'm prepared to go up to two million.
No.
Nothing.
Never.
Never.
Better? Well, there you go, Mr.
Fairbanks.
I can't believe this.
I've never taken no for an answer before.
First time for everything.
We learn from our setbacks.
Off you go.
Kids, we're home.
Perfect.
If this is your jewel-thieving parents, I'll make the deal with them.
I'm sure they'll appreciate a couple of million dollars.
You must be the parents I've heard so much about.
I'm prepared to offer you two million dollars for Excuse me.
Again, that's how it's done.
Should've gone out to the patio first, but maybe he's got more coming.
What are you guys doing back here so early? Never mind that.
Who is that man, and what is he offering two million dollars for? That's Tom.
He A super aggressive modeling agent.
He wants me to give up my life, travel the world, - doing ad campaigns.
- What? - What? - That's great! I was once in the modeling game.
I was a living mannequin in the window of buffum's department store.
It's an umbrella, not a knife.
But Tyler doesn't want to model.
No amount of money can make him model.
Please don't make him.
All those girls liking me for my looks.
What a nightmare.
Whatever that man says, just say no.
Okay.
And who are they? They are Tom's former models.
Really? Really, really, really former models.
That's right.
We're models.
I knew something was going on here.
It's why I faked a tummy ache at the healthy muffins meeting to come back early.
Savannah Snoops is on the case.
Where's my fedora? So, where were we? Avery filled us in on who you are, and we're not interested in what you have to offer.
I think you should leave.
Oh, just hear me out.
You have an amazingly handsome specimen here.
A furry little fellow that could light up the world.
That may be true, but I don't think he wants to become a model.
How could you possibly know that? He doesn't have the mental capacity to tell you.
Oh, Tyler and I both resent that.
Okay, I resent that.
I think you'd want to make some honest money, given what you do for a living.
Nobody wants to talk about who does what for a living.
I am very well respected in my field.
Yes, I can see how much you're wanted.
This could not be going better.
Your offer has been rejected.
First time for everything.
We learn from our setbacks.
Off you go.
Nobody move! Savannah Snoops has solved the mystery of what's really going on here.
Chloe, go to bed.
Everything is as it appears, and everyone is who they say they are.
Really? This man is wearing a tuxedo, so he's either a magician, or is getting married to This woman! I totally saw this twist coming.
There's no way you're takin' my lady.
And this man is here because he's fighting for her.
Yes, I am.
Oh, emerson.
Carol.
There's just one thing I can't figure out.
Who the heck is This guy? I'm Doug.
All right, enough.
Everybody out.
We haven't negotiated yet.
What do you want, money, private jets? I'll bring back the defunct business of your choice.
Circuit city.
- Linens and things.
- Montgomery ward.
I've heard stories.
What is wrong with all of you? And you, handsome, charming British guy.
Get outta here.
Fine, fine.
I've got more important things to deal with.
This mutt's nothing but trouble.
Don't listen to him, son.
Thanks, dad.
Come on, Doug, let's roll.
Very funny, sir.
And scene.
Avery and Tyler succeeded in making sure I did not become rich and famous.
Yay.
But it turns out, I love my life just the way it is.
Although there is one night I wish I could forget.
All right, Stan, I know you took my sandwich off the table.
Wasn't me, I tell ya.
Hey, I believe you.
But my partner doesn't.
Oh, partner? Susie here Is a loose Cannon who doesn't play by the rules.
I'm gonna get a juice box and let you two talk.
No, no, don't leave me alone with her.
I'll talk, I'll talk.
We thought so.