Empty Nest (1988) s02e21 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on okay, Carol, are you ready? Watch this.
Daddy, that's amazing.
I did it.
I did it.
I finally taught dreyfuss to do something useful.
Now, all you have to do is just open the door, go to the driveway, he'll bring in this paper This is not What? No, this is Dreyfuss dreyf! What are you doing? Dreyf! That's not our paper.
Dreyf! Morning, Mr.
Patrick.
No, oh, dreyf, don't.
No, don't! Don't fight him for it, Mr.
Patrick.
Daddy, can you hand me a napkin, please? Yes.
Yeah, sure, dear.
What are you What are you doing? Barbara starts a new assignment today.
She's going to be a student.
She's going undercover at a high school, so I thought I would pack her a nice, nutritious lunch.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
And a cute little note just like mom used to put in our lunch boxes.
"Dearest Barbie Barb, "I hope you are working hard in all your classes "and having your usual upbeat, exciting day.
"I, on the other hand, am in a severe depression.
Because I have the insight to realize life is meaningless.
" Oops.
Almost forgot to draw the happy face.
Ah.
Barbara undercover in high school.
This should be fun for her.
I mean, going back to school and classes and reliving her time Back upstairs.
You're not going to school dressed like that.
Daddy, I have to look like this.
Some kids have been stealing computers at this school and I can't bust them unless I fit in.
And I suppose if all the other kids jumped off a building, you would.
I'm telling you, daddy, two weeks in that high school and she'll have a reputation.
Carol.
- Hi.
- Hi, hon.
I left my jacket here when I dropped you off last night.
What's with the outfit? I told you, Michael, it's an undercover assignment.
I'm going back to high school.
Well, guess I'll see you this weekend.
Mm.
See you Wednesday night.
Wednesday? Yeah, it's our six-month anniversary, remember? Remember, how could I forget? It's been what, six months? We're doing something special, right? Way ahead of you.
I'm looking forward to a romantic evening.
Just the two of us.
Oh, god, there's the school bus.
I got to go.
So you have $8,300 in the bank earning 9.
5% interest.
What would your yield be at the end of one year? Barbara? Seven? Seven? Okay, 200.
New girl isn't too sharp.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Don't feel bad about that problem.
Percentages are always difficult.
I mean, especially if you're from out of town.
Yeah, I'm Barbara.
I know.
I'm Darrell.
Want my lunch? No, thanks.
Oh.
So, what's your locker number? Oh, that's right outside the door.
Can I walk you? Okay.
Well, here it is.
Oh, that's a good locker.
Friend of mine had it last year.
I don't remember it ever sticking or anything.
Right.
Good.
Thanks, Darrell.
Anyway, if, uh if you need any help finding anything, just let me know.
I, uh, really know my way around here.
Okay.
Nuh-uh! Jennifer lied to Robert, but Robert called Kelly last night, and they talked for about nine hours on the phone.
So now forget it.
Jennifer thinks it's, like, totally over, and she really hates him.
Barbara, you been on that phone 2 1/2 hours.
Daddy, this is important.
Oh, I see.
You're using this girl to get leads for your investigation.
No, she's just a cool girl.
- Barbara.
- I got to go.
My dad's making me get off the phone.
No, my dad's worse.
No, my dad's worse.
Bye, Jamie.
Mine's worse! Barbara, I'm not happy with this.
The first time you went through high school was bad enough.
At least then I had the upper hand.
This time is different.
You've got a gun.
Charley: Fore! Excuse me.
Hey, Harry.
How's it going? A golf ball just crashed through my window, Charles.
Uh, you didn't have anything to do with that, did you? No, Harry, I had nothing to do with that.
By the way, did you happen to notice, did that ball hook when it came through here? Charley, this is yours.
Okay, I'll pay for your window.
But, uh, would you mind opening that door? I like to play through.
- Charley, you are not - Shh.
Okay, that's it.
Goodbye, Charley.
Ah.
Sorry, Mr.
Patrick.
Barbara, are you expecting any of your little high school friends - over this afternoon? - No, why? Because there's a boy who's been walking up and down in front of our house for the last half an hour.
That's Darrell.
He must have followed me home from school.
Damn, he's coming this way.
Hi, Darrell! Now, don't do anything to blow my cover.
Remember, I'm in high school, I'm 17 years old, and my name is Barbara cavelli.
And daddy's a jeweler.
Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? I was just out walking.
Is this your house? Dumb question.
I mean, you just walked out of it.
You know, and right now that "is this your yard" follow-up really seems stupid.
Come on in, Darrell.
So what are you doing? Uh, I was trying to do my algebra.
I'm pretty good at algebra.
Could you use some help? - Yeah.
- Great.
Although, I must say I was rather intrigued by the point you made when you stood up in class today and yelled, "what the hell is this? Real people don't need this.
" Can I get you a beer? Uh, root.
Root beer.
Barbara Well, hey, this must be your mom.
Oh, my Good morning, Laverne.
Shh.
I'm a-readin'.
Oh, sorry.
Don't you want to know what it is? Okay, what is it? Nosy, ain't you? It's a letter from my mama in hickory.
She sent me this family picture album.
Now I suppose you'll be wanting to see all the pictures.
All right.
Right here is my mama.
Oh, what a nice looking lady.
Uh-huh, yeah.
And, uh, let's see.
Here's grandma Hattie.
Boy, she's a big 'un.
Once in '57 a hellacious twister come through town, knock down houses, uprooted trees, wiped out everything except for grandma Hattie and those 12 children a-clinging to her fireplug legs.
Town pinned her with a hickory medal of valor.
Actually, they stuck it right in her, but she didn't feel a thing.
You must be very proud.
Uh-huh.
So and here's Hattie's mama.
Real thin.
And, uh, Hattie's grandma.
Wait a minute.
Look at this.
She's a porker too.
Oh, my lord.
What? What's What's wrong, Laverne? Well, haven't you ever heard of genetics? Obviously this fat thing skips a generation, and now it's my turn.
Any day now I'm gonna be holding a spear and singing Wagner.
Laverne, I happen to know quite a bit about genetics.
I'm a doctor.
And what you're saying has no scientific validity at all.
Does to.
And to think I spent my whole life exercising and giving up desserts all for naught.
Not only am I doomed, I'm gonna pass this family curse onto my children.
And my really big old fat grandchildren.
There is a three-year age difference between each boy in the Parker family and his next older brother.
If there are four boys in the family and the sum of their ages is 38, find the age of the oldest on his last birthday.
Do we know these people? Barbara This is crazy.
How can this kid not know how old he is? Look at a birth certificate, for god sakes.
You hungry? You want something to eat.
Sure.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Mm.
Happy anniversary.
What are you doing here so early? I've got a guy over from school.
We're studying.
Besides, I'm gonna see you in a couple of hours, and you're gonna blow my cover.
Yeah, well, that's what I came to talk to you about.
I can't go out tonight.
What? Well, you'll never guess who came to town.
Magic Johnson.
This excuse gets better, doesn't it? A buddy of mine at work, he got tickets for me and him.
I mean, this is the Lakers.
Seats on the floor.
Michael, it's our anniversary.
I was really looking forward to tonight.
I was too, and I promise I'll make it up to you, but you understand, don't you? Sure.
Ah, I knew you would.
Thanks.
So where were we? Listen, um, when you were in the kitchen, I went out on the porch, and your dog got out.
Is he still gone? No, no, he came back.
How many copies of the afternoon paper do you people take? Are you okay? Sure.
'Cause you seem kind of upset.
Maybe I am a little.
Well, I didn't mean to embarrass you.
I just notice stuff like that.
We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
Well, got a lot of work to do.
If you don't pass this test, they won't let you go to the dance on Saturday.
You are going to the dance, aren't you? Well, I haven't really thought about it.
I'm part of the refreshment committee.
It's gonna look pretty prestigious in the yearbook, huh? "Darrell Davidson Honor society, punch monitor.
" Anyway, would you? Think about it? You mean go with you? Well, we don't have to dance or anything.
I mean, not that I don't dance.
But we wouldn't have to.
But we could.
Unless you don't dance.
This is getting real complicated.
Let's let's just forget it.
Darrell, I'll go with you.
- Really? - Sure.
It'll be fun.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's get back to this.
Chocolate.
Chocolate with nuts.
Dark chocolate, white chocolate.
Chocolate-covered cherries.
Holston boy, room one.
Laverne, I have never known you to eat like this.
Well, if it's my destiny to be jumbo sized, I'm not gonna fight it anymore.
Laverne, you can't let looking through some picture album change your entire life.
No, no, if I'm gonna live in fat city, I might as well be the mayor.
All right, fine, go ahead, eat your chocolates.
Become grandma Hattie.
But remember this.
This does not have to happen.
Laverne, you're making it happen.
Leave me alone.
Sorry.
Obviously this fat thing comes easy enough.
It's the jolly thing gonna take a little bit of work.
Barbara, how much longer is this school thing gonna be going on? Not long.
I put the word out that I'm looking to buy a computer, so now I'm just looking for someone to take the bait.
Why? Well, it's a little disruptive, dear.
I mean, I can't use the phone.
And this has not been easy on your sister.
I mean your mother.
Darrell, uh, what are you doing here? Well, I, uh I just stopped by to give you something.
Oh.
I was just thinking, you know, it must be hard to come to a new school and fit in and everything.
Anyway, this may seem kind of silly to you, but it's been exactly one week since you came to school.
It's kind of your anniversary.
Oh, Darrell, that's so sweet of you to remember.
It's no big deal.
I stayed after a couple days and made it in woodshop.
It's a keychain.
Oh, Darrell.
Do you have any keys to put on it? Yeah, I do.
I don't know where they are right now, but Well, you'll never have that problem again.
Listen, Darrell, thank you.
But this is you're welcome.
Listen, I got to go now.
I'll see you, Barbara.
Have a nice evening, Mrs.
cavelli.
Oh, boy, this is a problem.
I think he's really getting the wrong idea.
What am I gonna do? Barbara, as your sister, I can help you with this.
However, as your mother, I'd like to do something to scar you emotionally.
Barbara.
Barbara, I'm here.
Hi.
Okay, I am here.
It is officially our anniversary.
And we're gonna make up for the other night.
Great.
Where are we going? Oh, I thought maybe you'd have a place in mind.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, how about Antonio's? That's where we met.
Ah, gee, hon, that's kind of far.
Well, there's always berenger's.
Ah, I'd need a tie.
We'd have to stop off at my house.
Well, Michael, I wouldn't want to put you out.
Oh, oh, Barbara, come on, come on.
Don't get upset.
It's our anniversary.
Let's have fun.
We'll go to squire's.
It's close, it's casual.
It'll be easy.
You want to go to squire's? Yeah.
This is gonna be fun.
You know, uh, I was gonna buy you flowers, but, just my luck, there was no one at the bottom of the off-ramp tonight.
Come on, come on.
Let's go.
Okay.
What am I doing? What do you mean? I don't want to go to squire's.
I don't want to make this easy.
And I don't want to be celebrating our anniversary on the wrong day.
It is not six months, Michael.
It's six months and two days.
Okay, two days.
What's the big deal? I don't get it.
That's the problem.
You don't get it.
I have been making excuses for you for a long time, and I don't even know why.
Somewhere along the line, I lowered my standards.
I forgot there's such a thing as romance, and that men can be thoughtful and attentive, and know the difference between six months and six months and two days.
Barbara, you don't mean any of this.
Yes, I do.
It took me 15 years, but I finally got something out of high school.
Barbara.
Goodbye, Michael.
You're kidding.
No, I just saw her putting handcuffs on the guy.
I can't believe it.
The new girl's a cop.
You mean that whole thing about being stupid in math was just a cover? I don't think so.
Hey, have you guys seen Darrell? Not me.
Why don't you put an apb out on him? - Darrell.
- Oh, great, Barbara, listen.
What color dress are you wearing to the dance? I need to know so your corsage won't clash.
Hey, Darrell, I wouldn't say anything till she reads you your rights.
What's she talking about? Darrell, I'm not really a student.
You know the kids they just busted? She's a cop.
She's undercover.
She was putting us on the whole time.
Darrell, wait.
I'm sorry.
I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't.
Don't be angry.
I'm not angry.
I'm happy for you.
I mean, what a relief this must be.
Your job is done.
You can go home to your real friends now.
You don't have to fake it anymore.
You don't have to study.
You don't have to go to high school dances with stupid little kids.
- Darrell - Leave me alone.
Okay, Weston, all ready to go.
Give me your keys and we'll load up.
Oh, now, Laverne, good, you're back.
Some lunch.
Sure, they call it all you can eat, but after you've had three or four servings of steak and shrimp, they start slowing down them plates.
Laverne, we have to talk.
Save your breath.
I'm gonna face my destiny with my head held high, and a hand full of ding dongs clutched to my soon to be ample bosom.
Laverne, I have something interesting to show you.
While you were at lunch, I took the Liberty of taking a closer look at your family album.
I hope you didn't touch that licorice stick I was using as a bookmark.
- Uh, no.
- Good.
Where is it? Laverne, now listen.
I discovered something very interesting about your father's side of the family.
Now this is a picture of your daddy, right? Right.
Okay, now it says here that this is his mother.
Skinniest woman I ever seen.
Yes, now, this is a picture of her mother.
It's normal.
But this is her mother.
Even skinnier.
Precisely.
You see, now, Laverne, every other woman on your mother's side of the family may be fat, but every other woman on your father's side of the family is thin as a rail.
Laverne, the science of genetics is an extremely complex So what you're saying is my daddy's skinny side cancels out my mama's fat side, leaving me smack in the middle A svelte and shapely Laverne.
Close enough.
Well, I want to thank you, doctor.
For the first time in your life, you've made a little sense.
This is your vice principal speaking.
Uh, once again, I'm sorry that our usual dj couldn't be with us tonight, but, hey, I figure this is a good chance for us all to get to know each other a little better, right? So just have a good time, and remember, one wrong move and I can make your life living hell.
This next song is by Well, what appears to be a woman with a snake growing out of her left nostril.
Enjoy.
Hi.
Hi.
Nice dress.
Thanks.
You're really angry with me, huh? Yes.
Actually, I'm not even speaking to you.
I just feel there's a certain social responsibility that goes with this refreshment stand.
Darrell, I went home this afternoon, and I spent some time trying to imagine what you might be feeling.
Felt confused? Yes.
And betrayed? Yes.
And as though you were looking ahead to countless sleepless nights filled with untold anguish? Well, I only had an hour.
I should have known that someone like you wouldn't like someone like me.
Darrell, that's where you're wrong.
If it weren't for this age difference, you'd be exactly the kind of guy I'd be looking for.
You're sweet and sensitive and romantic.
I wish some of the girls around here felt that way.
They will.
Just give 'em time to grow up.
Took me 15 years.
You know, this is probably my last night in high school, and I'd like to make it special.
So can I have this dance? Yeah.