Home Economics (2021) s02e21 Episode Script

1 Can I just say, Amanda, you are the best agent that a writer could ask for.
Okay, I love you.
I or goodbye.
Thank you I'm saying I'm hanging up now.
Bye.
- Honey! - Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta.
The twins just fell asleep.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
I'm too excited.
I just got off the phone about the offers on my book.
- "Offers," plural? - I know! I know.
I'm sorry.
I know.
Regina Choi of Choi Books wants to publish me.
- Regina Choi? - Yeah.
She publishes Zadie Smith, Jeffrey Eugenides.
Oh, wow, all the authors you're jealous of.
You must be thrilled.
I was, until I heard the money she was offering.
Now she's dead to me.
But drumroll please.
Oh, you actually want me to do it? Do you mind? The second offer is from Wide River, the biggest publishing house around! No, are you actually gonna make some money? I know.
I'm as shocked as you are.
Apparently, they want my book to launch a whole new imprint.
Oh, my God, I'm leaving my body.
The publisher, Monroe Davies, he's a legend in the book world.
He wants to have dinner with me and Amanda tomorrow night.
Oh, you better order everything and take pictures.
It's crazy, right? I mean, by this time next year, we could walk into a bookstore and see "Home Economics" sitting right there on the shelf.
And then I could pick it up and pretend to read it in front of customers and say things like, "That Tom Hayworth.
He did it again.
" That's not something you actually do, is it? No, no.
But I'm selling the book! - You're selling the book.
- I'm selling the book! Do you know what this means? We can afford daycare.
We can finally fix the roof.
No more ghostwriting for pathological liars.
No more endless moping around the house - talking about your process.
- I know.
I'm the worst.
But I'm selling the book! You're selling the book! You know what? I don't even care.
- Should we go tell 'em? - Oh! Hey, guys, guess what! We're selling the book! Do you want some coconut water? I know for a fact you need some electrolytes.
Dude, that was me at a four.
My electrolytes are fine.
You know, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of like you staying over here.
Because we do it in the morning? Yes, and also because when Gretchen's at her mom's house, this place gets, like, eerily quiet.
They don't tell you about that when you're buying your divorce mansion.
You're really opening my eyes to the struggles of the millionaire class.
See? It's not just sex.
You're learning about another culture here.
Except it is just sex.
- Yeah.
- And it's so much better - than a real relationship.
- Yeah.
I mean, no needs to attend to, no feelings to protect.
No important talks.
I think this is the longest conversation we've ever had.
Should we shut up and get back to bed? I would, but I'm starving.
Do rich people not have food? This is, like, all garnish.
Why don't you stay for brunch? Oh, I don't know.
Your sister will be there, and she's been super awkward at work ever since I told her we were having nightly PTA meetings.
- Ah.
- The P stands for No, I know what the P stands for.
We're not doing anything wrong, though.
You should stay.
We're adults.
All right.
I could house a pan of cinnamon rolls.
Because you burned all that energy.
So, again, that was me at a four.
- Mm-hmm.
- 4.
2 max.
Me too.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
That's really good news.
Congrats on the book, Tom.
I always knew you could do it.
In retrospect.
Anybody want to make it a mimosa? Thanks, but I don't dilute.
Respect.
Sarah? Your brother and I squeezed the oranges fresh this morning.
Really gave it everything we got.
Yeah, we did.
Ooh, wow.
Yeah, no.
No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
I want some.
- Ooh, pulpy.
- Yeah.
Is that a quiche or a frittata? Who cares? It's going in me.
- Right, Sarah? - Yeah, right.
Boss.
Well, this is different.
We usually meet your girlfriends when they're putting their clothes back on or hiding in a closet, so yeah, no, this is this is progress.
Yeah, she's not my girlfriend.
This is purely physical.
No strings attached.
- Dope.
- Yeah.
And you don't think that this is gonna blow up in your face? That's the beauty of it, Sarah.
There's nothing to blow up.
No feelings involved.
No risk.
She's my boss.
Oh, no risk to me.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I thought that was clear.
Sorry, guys, I got, like, an unknown number.
Give me a sec.
- Hello? - Thomas! Monroe Davies, Wide River Books.
Calling you on my mobile phone from my personal helicopter.
Mr.
Davies, what an honor.
I'm really looking forward to our dinner tonight.
Me too.
I have to cancel.
Yeah, we're pulling the plug on a novel at the last minute, and it's a whole to-do.
You're canceling an entire book release? Yeah, the author wrote a book about her ex-husband, and now he's suing for defamation.
It's a nightmare.
But look, I'm still eager to meet you before I leave town.
How are you with the right now of at all? Now? Like, "now" now? I don't know.
I mean, I'm in the middle of brunch at my brother's.
Oh, perfect.
The famous Hayworth family brunch.
Hey, tell me, does your brother have a landing pad? You know, I actually have to ask.
You're all out of quiche, so I think I'm gonna jet.
No problem.
Hey, I have been working on a text, and I'm gonna send it around 9:00 p.
m.
tonight.
It goes, "You up?" Well, that text is gonna get a like.
Ooh.
Oh, my God, I hate this.
I didn't have time to make fruit salad, okay? I just stopped at the gas station.
I'm trying my best.
Not the fruit salad.
Connor and Lauren.
Oh, because she's your boss? You're afraid it's gonna hurt your relationship? No.
I mean Kind of.
But no, more importantly, I just don't think that this is good for Connor.
They seem happy.
Sexually.
Yeah, but he's just not a casual guy, you know? He's not a no-strings guy.
He's all strings.
Think you're gonna have to let this one go, kay? It's his life.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Is that Is that hot dog in this fruit salad? I know.
It's really bad.
So this is a very important publisher, and the future of my book and maybe even my life depends on this going well.
He just canceled a whole book because the people in the book weren't cool with it.
You're all in my book.
You gotta be cool, okay? We're cool.
Are you? No, not really.
Honey, we've got your back.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Yeah, no, you're right.
You're right.
I just gotta kinda whew, okay.
I'm cool.
You're cool.
Kids, could you maybe just cool it with the Silly String? I feel like they're not being cool.
- You guys gonna be cool? - We're cool, Uncle Tommy.
Oh, my God, he's here.
All right, don't freak out.
Just don't freak out, okay? Don't freak out.
Don't freak out! Nobody freak out! I got this.
It's all good.
Hello, hello! Mr.
Davies! Please, call me Monroe.
Nice place.
Little small.
Welcome.
This is this is my family.
You know what? I already know you intimately from the novel.
Now, let's see.
This must be Elena, the true crime-obsessed wife, never far from a glass of wine.
This is this is champagne.
And Colin, the deep-pocketed himbo.
Yeah, I'll take it.
And of course, the lesbians! - Bingo.
- We are that, yeah.
So great.
You know what, it just feels special to be embedded among you.
After reading Thomas's novel, I felt like I was a Hayworth.
Oh, so you liked the book.
- I loved it.
- You Yeah, it's got humor, heart, and the narrator, Tim, what a hoot! Oh, you love Tim? I mean, who doesn't love Tim? Right? He's such a weenie.
Oh.
Okay.
I don't know if I'd say He's the biggest of weenies! - He is.
- Okay.
Well, he's kind of based on A total weenie, yes! Do you want a closed book deal or not? He's like a human doormat, you know? - Right? - Oh! Open the door and there's Tim on the floor! Sorry, Tim! What a what a piece of human trash.
No, no, that's too far.
- Oh, okay.
- That's mean.
Mind if I get a splash? Oh, of course.
You know, we're all really excited for Tom and for us, 'cause we've been on this journey with him, and it has been a long one.
That's a nice sentiment.
Truth be told, the lesbian sister-in-law is my favorite character.
Oh! Okay, thank you.
I mean, everyone else has such big, brash personalities just jumping off the page.
"Ooh, I'm so interesting," and "Pay attention to me!" And then there's you.
The nice one.
Oh.
- Well, I'm more than just nice.
- Oh, of course.
I mean, you know, you're also sensible, practical, rational.
Okay, you're just listing synonyms for nice.
Oh.
Well, they all apply.
Cheers.
Hey, could you pass the pancakes? Thank you so much.
And the syrup, can you Maple.
Thank you, trees.
All right.
And also, I know it's been a really hard year since your divorce, but this Lauren thing, it's just not you.
And there it is.
Did you even want the syrup? Sarah, we have talked about this.
Connor is an adult.
Thank you, Marina.
Ew, raisins? - Lupe.
- Just pick them off.
They've already touched everything.
Okay, he's a semi-adult.
Oh, I just think you're too soft-hearted for a woman like that.
Why can't you just let me make my own decisions? You know, I swear, sometimes, you're like the raisin in the family.
He just won't listen.
Can you blame him? You just can't stop getting into people's business.
That's not true.
Yes, it's all over Tom's book, like when you were ten and you read his journal to find out who he had a crush on.
Well, I couldn't anticipate it would be the school nurse.
You tried to break up Lupe and the magician.
Magicians lie for a living! Did Tom really put all of that in the book? Has no one else read this book but me? Hey, doesn't sound like everyone's being cool over here.
You guys cool? Well, apparently your book depicts me as a interfering know-it-all.
Everything okay, Thomas? Oh, yeah, no.
It's more than okay.
Or as you say in Australia Oh, no, come on now.
I'm from New Zealand.
Right, yeah, no, I absolutely knew that.
Big fan of your distinct culture.
I actually know a lot about New Zealand, but I don't know wanna come across as a know-it-all, so go ahead.
Denise, little help here? Oh, you want me to be the rational one? Practical, sensible, nice.
- Yes.
- 'Cause that's all I am in the book, right? The coolheaded sister-in-law who keeps everything chill.
I would point out that she is my favorite character.
There's a lot more going on with me.
- I am complex.
- She contains multitudes.
You even gave Connor layers.
He's not just a vapid tech bro.
He's also a lonely divorcée who's desperate for love.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I come off desperate in the book? Might need to crack this bad boy open again.
Oh, my.
Anyone else unhappy with their depiction in the book? Let's just go around the horn and dig in.
Oh, I've been waiting for this.
Yeah, so have I.
You have no right to include me in a book about your family! I am not in your family! You cannot be telling my secrets.
Whoa, earthquake! Earthquake.
Did everyone feel that? Whoa, let's talk about that.
Kind of a wild day at the Hayworths', eh? Oh, this is normal.
You know how in a pit of vipers, sometimes they eat each other? All too well.
I have a viper pit on my property at Jackson Hall.
Really? I'm actually somewhat of an amateur herpetologist.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know, Tom can still make changes to the book.
He says he wants to add an epilogue before the afterword.
- I don't know.
- I mean, I'm not mad at Tom.
He's right.
I am the nice one.
The "peacemaker," because that's what - this family has made me.
- I get it.
Before I married into the Hayworths, I never used to drink wine.
I mean, I did, but I didn't need to.
Everyone expects me to be the mediator, the voice of reason.
Do you know how exhausting it is to be empathetic all the time? I do not.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? Not that I need to know, but is it about me? Are you meddling about whether we're talking about you meddling? So you admit you're talking about it.
Talking about what, how I can't choose a sexual partner without my big sister's approval? - That is not what I said.
- I mean, it sort of is.
Okay, Lulu, back me up here.
This Lauren thing is not good for him.
No, no, Denise gets it.
Right, Denise? - Okay.
- Great.
You scared off my wife.
I scared off your wife? Yes, you absolutely scared her off! Welcome to the relaxation minute.
Take a deep breath and listen to the ocean waves.
You know what? Not gonna be the peacemaker.
Feel the sand beneath your toes.
I don't think this is going well for you.
Should I do another earthquake? If you clean it up.
Well, Thomas, I think I've seen enough.
No, Monroe, please don't let them sink this.
Look, I was thinking about I could change the plot to, like, a book about a guy who runs away from his family because they keep crushing his dreams.
Why would I want that? Your family's delightful.
So you're not worried that they're gonna sue for defamation like with that other book? Oh, no, with that one, we actually were defaming someone.
Yeah, the writer implied her ex-husband was a cannibal.
Real wackadoo stuff.
But your family dysfunction? I mean, that's the stuff dreams are made of.
- And money.
- So you're in? As we say in New Zealand I'm in.
- That's great! - Hooray.
- Okay, don't touch.
- Okay.
Thomas, I love the book, and I have a plan for it to reach as many people as possible.
Your novel will be the flagship for our new imprint: Wide River Audiobooks.
Okay, but there'll still be a physical copy I can hold in my hands, right? No, no, audiobook exclusive.
Print is dead.
People will listen to this as they go about their day whilst they're scrolling on Twitter and making pizza pies.
Oh! An audiobook.
How exciting.
Tom, maybe maybe you could narrate it? I don't think so.
Listeners will need to know it's a man speaking.
I'm hoping to get Joe Rogan.
So there'll be no copy of the book on my local bookstore shelf? Nothing to sign? I see this as next summer's big beach read.
Sorry, beach listen.
Although I do think it needs a better title.
"Home Economics" is a bit of a snoozer, don't you think? I want something louder, buzzier.
What would you say to "The Lesbians' Brother"? Well, inclusion is good.
And representation matters.
There are two brothers, though.
We'll only be focusing on you, the rich, sexy one.
- Totally get that.
- And, of course, the lesbians.
You keep saying that.
See, I just don't know, I think it feels I mean, a little crass.
Exactly.
Now you're thinking like an author.
And I've even got some mock-ups here for the cover.
Of course, you'd have to imagine it's a bit smaller on the phone.
- Oh, my God.
- That's a lot of cleavage.
Wow, they even got the abs right.
- Tantalizing, isn't it? - Yeah.
Imagine that on your phone.
I'd give that a listen.
So for the exclusive rights to fully exploit "The Lesbians' Brother" on all audio platforms, I'm prepared to make you a generous offer.
Look, uh okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Um What is a book, really? I mean, you know, you don't need to hold one - in your hand, right? - Nope.
- It's got all those pages.
- Oof.
All those, like you know, you get the paper cuts.
Hold on a second.
Can I just steal my husband for a minute? Classic pushy Elena.
I love it.
This is hot stuff.
Real hot stuff.
- Connor! - Yeah.
Tom, this isn't what you said you wanted, like, at all.
Yeah, but this is everything we've been working for.
We could finally get the roof fixed.
We talked about daycare.
We could go on a vacation.
This is Tahiti money! Tahiti's not the vibe.
More of a Tulum thing now.
But "The Lesbians' Brother"? - That is not you.
- Yeah, maybe not.
But I don't know, maybe Monroe's right and print is dead.
How can I say no to this deal? Why can't I have money for Why can't I be the Connor of this family? Oh, Tom, no offense, it's a good deal, but it's not Connor money.
Connor, not helping.
Sarah? - Hmm? - Can you can you jump in? Oh, I support whatever decision Tom makes.
What? Yeah, well, I've been told recently that I meddle too much, so I'm gonna sit this one out.
No, Sarah, no.
Okay, yes, yes.
You meddle, yes.
You stick your nose where it doesn't belong, but Let me finish.
But it comes from a place of love.
And sometimes your family needs it.
Okay, everyone here, we all play a role for a reason.
You're the meddler.
I'm the coach.
So get in there and meddle.
Yeah, okay.
I accept your apology.
I got this.
Tom.
Tommy.
Tommy, baby.
I know you better than you know you, okay? If you take this deal, yeah, you'll probably feel good today, maybe even tomorrow, but then guess who's knocking at your door.
It's your old pal, regret.
And you're gonna invite him in, and he's gonna make himself real comfortable.
And no amount of poolside coladas in Tahiti are gonna make him go away.
- Tulum.
- This arrangement is not you.
You're settling because you're afraid that this is the best you can get, and you deserve better, and you know that.
You know what? You're right.
- Thank you, Sarah.
- You're welcome.
Okay, enough.
Connor, I know you heard what Sarah just said.
Maybe.
And you know that applies to you as well as Tom.
You don't have to settle for something less than you deserve.
I guess.
And Sarah, you know that sometimes your advice comes off a little - Controlling.
Annoying.
Judging.
- All right, we don't need that.
- Overbearing.
- No, we got it.
But it does come from a place of love.
It really does.
I know.
Okay, so are we cool? - Yeah, we're cool.
- We're getting there.
Okay, we're getting there.
I thought you were done peacemaking.
Yeah, I thought you were out of the game.
Had to do one last job before retirement.
Mr.
Davies, why are so many of your YA fantasy books about male protagonists rescuing their female counterparts? Uh would you like a sweet? Monroe, I'd like you to know, I really appreciate you coming here today and your sincere interest in my book.
And however much I might want you to publish it, I'm afraid I can't sign this contract.
Look, "Home Economics" isn't some breezy beach listen or salacious lesbian romp.
It's about a real family.
It's It's about my family.
And that's why people are gonna read it.
That's right.
I said "read it.
" Okay, pass me the contract.
No, you don't This is my last, best, and final offer.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Whew! Oh, that's a very big number.
That's a very big number.
Bigger than the other number, which is already very big.
How about the marketing and the audiobook? That's non-negotiable.
I know it stings.
Just consider the money a soothing ointment.
There's another helicopter.
Ah, most likely mine, unless anyone else is expecting.
No? Right.
You'll be in touch.
So I gave it a lot of thought and I decided I'm in.
I want you to publish my book.
Well, that's fantastic, Tom.
You know, when your agent didn't call us back, I was sure you'd been snapped up by a bigger publisher for a lot more money.
Oh, I didn't even consider that for a second.
I'm sorry we can't offer a bigger advance.
We can barely keep the lights on over here.
But your book is in loving hands.
Well, that's what's important.
Thank you.
Well, who needs Tahiti, right? Next book.
Now that we've satisfied one appetite, - should we move on to another? - Actually, I was thinking now that we're all dirty, we could do something even dirtier.
Tell me more.
I'm thinking we slip into some silk robes Okay.
Saunter on over to the couch Mm-hmm.
Snuggle up Snuggle up? Just, like, watch a movie.
Or like a maybe a limited series.
That tickle documentary's supposed to be pretty messed up.
Maybe that show where they make desserts out of other desserts.
So, Connor, is this a date? Would that be the worst thing? I mean, it's just not who we are.
But I think it's who I am.
As annoying as my sister is, I think she was right.
Here we go again.
Why do men always have to talk to their sisters? Okay.
I'm gonna eat these in the bath.
- They're tub ribs now.
- That's fair.
- Best of luck.
- See you at school.
That'll be fun.