In Living Color (1990) s02e21 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody here is equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna doin living color Hi.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thanks for tuning in to In Living Color.
Check it out.
How many times you been sitting around with friends.
.
.
trying to tell them your favorite sketch from the show? Only they didn't see it.
Well, check it out.
This is what I done for you.
I put all the best into one show.
So call your friends, have them watch.
I'll see you next week.
Peace.
Next! Vrrooom.
Is this the Army Recrucification Office, sir? Now, you probably want the Eternal Life Mission.
It's down the street and around the block.
No, I've come to be all I can be.
.
.
'cause I've been what I've been and it ain't paying too well.
- Let me ask you something, boy.
- Huh? What do you think you have to offer the army? Well, I'm glad you asked, sir.
See, 'cause I'm an entertainer, you know? If you gave me five dollars.
.
.
I could go over to Salty Armenia.
.
.
and entertain the troops, see? 'Cause I'm a regular boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company "B.
" I'm a boogie-woogie bugle boy.
.
.
Compan.
.
.
Here.
Camouflage that for me.
Now, listen to me.
I am in the business of signing up real live soldiers, maggot! Maggot? Hey, I ain't no maggot.
Hey, I ain't never been with another man before.
Who told you that, Clarence? He's lying.
He's lying.
I'm telling you.
All right, once.
I was desperate.
I needed the money.
I was drunk and down out.
Don't hold it against me.
I don't have time for this! I'm in the middle of a rapid deployment! Well, I'm in the middle of unemployment, so we got something in common.
- You know, as much as I would love to send you over to Iraq.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't think you'd last 10 minutes.
Okay, just for instance.
.
.
what would you do if you had to engage the enemy in hand-to-hand combat? [Sniffles.]
That's no problem, see.
.
.
'cause I'm skilled in the Martian arts.
I know tai chi.
Whaa! I know tae kwon do.
[Yapping.]
And I know Tyrone.
He taught me all that stuff.
You know, like how to take a rope.
Just a simple rope.
.
.
anything becomes a weapon.
You take that out and.
.
.
[Mumbles.]
Oh, that's the secret weapon there.
Ewww.
Oh, my God.
What is that smell? Well, that was a sample of my nerve gas.
All right, all right.
That does it.
Get out of here.
Go on! Get out of here! Well, wait a second.
Hold on.
- Wait a minute, uh, Uncle Sambo.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I want to serve my country.
I'll give you five dollars if you get out of here and forget you ever heard about the army.
- Come on! Take it! - Well, the guy down at the navy office gave me.
.
.
- Ah, here's $10.
- Well, the guy at the coast guard.
.
.
All right, here's $25.
Just go! $25, get you $45.
$45? $55? $55? $55? - Sold! $55! - Hey, hey, hey! Carla, the coast is clear.
Can I borrow, uh, you know, a feminine product? - Oh, you mean a tampon? - Shh.
Yes.
Hurry.
Thanks.
That time of the month, huh, Joyce? That's not cleavage.
It's swelling.
Suffering from P.
M.
S.
, Joyce? [Laughs.]
See? I told you she looked bloated.
Can't seem to disguise the fact that it's your time of the month? Well, now Femco brings you Fashion Tampons.
Stylish, comfortable and fun.
They come in assorted colors and go with any outfit.
Ooh, Joyce, I love those earrings! Thanks, Carla.
Actually, they're tampons.
.
.
conveniently packaged in boxes of 12, 24 and 186.
And they're super absorbent.
Something you just can't find in other fashion wear.
Fashion Tampons.
Well, honey, I'm just gonna go on down and get me some.
Gee, Joyce, you look great today.
I like a woman who can accessorize.
Really turns me on.
Nice dress, Joyce.
This old rag? Fashion Tampons.
Because at that time of the month, you want to look good.
[Woman.]
And there's alsoFashion Maxi and Mini Pads.
.
.
for the woman on the go.
Fashion Tampons from Femco.
All right, all right.
Thanks for coming in.
Come visit us again, all right? All right.
Later.
Yo, yo, fight the power.
[Chuckles.]
- Hey, Joy! - What? - Joy! - What? - Joy! - What? - Joy! - What? - Come here.
- What if I don't? I won't put you in my next movie.
Look, Spike.
How many timesdo I have to tell you? It's notJoy.
It's Joi.
Joy, we're back in Brooklyn, all right? All right? In Brooklyn, it's Joy, notJoi, okay? It's notJackay, all right? It's Jackie.
It's not Sade, all right? It's Sadie.
- All right? - All right.
What you gonna call me next? What you gonna call me, Spikay? Get outta here.
I wanna show you my new product.
Check it out.
Ah, you likes, right? You likes, right? Ah, this is the Mo' Better butter dispenser.
Check it out.
Ah.
I've tasted butter, but this is Mo' Better butter.
Go stack that over there.
Stack it by the Malcolm Ex-lax.
I got a customer.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, do you carry sneakers? - Sneakers? - Yeah.
- Like tennis shoes? - Right.
- Like basketball shoes? - Yes.
- Like just plain sneakers? - Yes.
- Got 'em.
- Oh, great.
Check it out.
My own line.
- Oh.
- Spikes.
You like? - No.
- Come on.
You gotta like.
- No, l.
.
.
- Come on, look.
You gotta like.
- I don't.
- Please, baby, baby, please.
Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, please.
Please, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.
- Please, baby, baby, please.
- Okay, I'll take them.
- All right.
You sure? - Yes.
- You want 'em? - Yes.
- You buy 'em? - Yes.
- You sure? - Absolutely.
All right.
You can pay for them right over here.
You get a copy of School Daze with that.
- Oh.
That's okay.
- It's free.
- Oh, it's free? - Free.
That's okay.
- [Mumbling.]
- Get outta here! What do you want? What do you want?I'm gonna go broke.
! Here! Here! You're gonna drive me crazy.
- Mm-mm-mm.
Thank you.
- You sound like a machine gun.
[Radio.]
Excuse me.
Can you turn the radio down, please? - [Continues.]
- Excuse me.
Can you turn your radio down, please? Hey! Excuse me.
I'd like to return this free copy of School Daze.
What's wrong? It's defective? No.
I didn't go to a black college.
I just didn't get it.
Can you please turn your radio down? Hey.
- [Phone Ringing.]
- Can you please turn your radio down? Hello.
Spike's Joint.
Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Deliver pizzas to your house.
- Yeah, right.
For the 40th time, hell no! - [Continues.]
Can you turn your radio down, please? Hey, Spike.
Why doesn't Nike appoint any black people to its board of directors, man? It's a very complicated issue, all right? But you can read about it in my new book: The Making of Nike Commercials.
All right? $9.
95.
- I need 20 triple "A" batteries for my radio.
- We don't have any batteries.
- You're gonna have to turn your radio down.
- No batteries? - Twenty triple "A"? - Turn your radio down.
- Turn that down.
We don't have any batteries.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Mookie, when are you gonna take care of your kids, all right? It's.
.
.
It's not Mookie, all right? It's Spike, all right? Turn the radio down.
What do you want? - [Stammering.]
- Get outta here.
Get outta here.
- Get outta here! - How come there's no white people on the wall, man? [Overlapping Yelling.]
This is Spike's Joint, all right? When you get your own joint.
.
.
[Overlapping Yelling Continues.]
You can put anybody you want on the wall.
- [Yelling Continues.]
- The guy who was in Gilligan, man.
Huh? How come he's not.
.
.
[Baby Crying.]
Now, I know what you're thinking right now.
You're thinking, " Hey, now's a great time to throw a trash can through the window.
" Well, I couldn't agree with you more.
That's why I've got trash cans in the back for $15.
All right? They're lightweight and riot size.
What a discount.
You'll also get a free copy of School Daze.
- Oh, forget it.
- Nah, never mind.
Get outta here.
!What? What? What? M-M-M-M-Midget.
[Applause.]
Legally repressing my "ballsitude," I've retracted my "godads" with gigantic proportions.
And the signing of the prohibition, you see.
.
.
defecates the fluids of the tension.
.
.
between the essence of the Euro intercourse, you see.
[Woman.]
A.
T.
+ T.
Allows youto reach out and touch someone.
.
.
even when theydon't get out much.
Right, exactly.
Okay, brother, okay.
- See, all you're doing right now.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
- Is flatulating your liquids, okay, - That's pretty good.
- Because I believe it was Homo erectus.
.
.
- Right.
- That said to expose the hemorrhoidal ramification.
.
.
- Uh-huh.
- Would merely delineate the colonic orifice, - Ooh! Thereby separating the gluteus from the maximus.
- Well, Homo was very deep, - Uh-huh.
- But you seem to masticate the proclamation, my brother, - Okay.
Because the gastrointestinal phlebitis.
.
.
- prostigates the "crustation" of the colostomy, - Okay.
- If that's your bag.
- Uh-huh.
Preacher! Right.
And further "hindrant" the pyorrhea, which has.
.
.
- Excuse me? - Uh, you got me, brother.
- The diarrhea.
- Okay.
Moving toward the angina or "bagina".
.
.
- depending on how much time you got.
- Man, you are Metamucil.
I know, I know.
Talk to me If you feel the need andwhen you need the feeling Talk to me [Announcer.]
Tired of making up lame excuses? Don't you wanna cuddle? Baby needs a hug.
[Yawning.]
I can't hug you right now.
I'm still sleeping.
[Announcer.]
Is postcoital cuddling bringing you down? See, you don't understand.
I got to be somewhere at 6:00 tomorrow morning.
Then I'll leave with you.
No.
But, uh, you can't leave with me.
.
.
'cause my car was in an accident and it only has one seat left.
- Then I'll sit on your lap.
- Uh, listen.
Now, I didn't wanna have to tell you this, and it's top secret.
I'm on a mission for the C.
I.
A.
I have to travel alone.
It's a matter of life and death.
But if you die, I don't wanna live.
[Thinking.]
Geez, what do I have to do to get rid of her? [Announcer.]
Sounds like you needthe Ejector Bed from Rudeco.
Yes, it's simple to operate and can ejectup to 2,000 pounds in a single thrust.
Oh, wow.
This never happened to me before.
I guess I must've been under a lot of stress.
Maybe some fresh air might help.
[Announcer.]
Yes, the Ejector Bed.
Your best friendin a sticky situation.
- [Woman.]
Honey, I'm home.
- [Gasps.]
- It's my wife.
- Oh, no! Where will I hide? [Announcer.]
Don't get caught without one.
The Ejector Bed from Rudeco.
Ejector Desk and Ejector Chairsold separately.
Blood pressure stable at 120 over 70.
Doc, how's my partner? Is he gonna pull through? He's in pretty bad shape.
Take a look for yourself.
Oh, my God! Look, look, Doc.
Do whatever you gotta do, man.
But please, make him whole again.
We can rebuild him.
We have the technology, all right? It's gonna cost you six million dollars.
Six million dollars? The department doesn't have that kind of money.
- 15,000.
- Look.
I got, um.
.
.
Let's see.
Twenty Twenty-one, twenty-two.
Another five.
Twenty-eight.
Twenty-eight, um.
.
.
Forty-five, all right? There's $28.
45.
Well, I can't promise anything, but we'll try.
[Sighs.]
He'll be a lot shorter and a little slower.
- But at least he'll be alive.
- Thanks, man.
We gotta get you outta here.
Hang in there, partner.
[Announcer.]
Coming this spring to a theater near you.
.
.
The Head Detective.
The Head always gets his man.
Let's just forget it, man.
He's too far away.
We'll never catch him.
- Throw me at him.
- What? I said throw me at him.
I can do it, partner.
- No way, man.
Too dangerous! - Just do it! Ah, watch my brain.
- Way to go, man.
! - Freeze, slimeball.
Don't make me chase you any further.
[Announcer.]
And women find him irresistible.
Yes! You've got incredible hands and feet, you animal you.
[Kissing.]
[Moaning.]
Oh, Detective Head.
.
.
I never dreamed it could be like this.
You know what they say, baby.
It's not what a man's got, it's how he uses it that counts.
Stop tickling my feet.
The Head Detective.
Coming this spring to a theater near you.
[Disco.]
[Announcer.]
Cable access,Channel 62, presents Men On Film.
[Applause.]
- Hello, I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
[Together.]
And welcome to Men On Films.
- The show that looks at movies.
.
.
- From a male point of view.
Tonight's show is sponsored by.
.
.
Nuts & Honey.
- What did you say? - Nuttin', honey.
I bet you can't eat just one.
I bet I could.
You're so crazy.
[Giggling.]
Tonight we'll be wrapping up the summer films.
First up is the box-office smash Total Recall.
Yes, this is the movie where muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger.
.
.
goes in search of his past.
Just a hint, Arnold, try looking in the closet.
[Snickers.]
Next we have Betsy's Wedding.
[Together.]
Hated it.
Then there's Ghost.
You know, Patrick Swayze was the real standout in this film.
You know, I'd breathe life into his spirit any day.
Even if I did have to go through Whoopi Goldberg.
- Perish the thought.
- Yes, indeed.
Now we come to Dick Tracy.
You know, I love the title, but the movie just left me limp.
I know what you're saying.
This is.
.
.
This is what I don't get.
All the characters fit their names.
You know, Flattop had a flattop.
Pruneface looked just like a little prune.
But I never got the chance to see.
.
.
[Mouthing Words.]
I know I wanted to.
What's wrong with you? It's hot in here.
Oh.
Then there's Pretty Woman.
[Together.]
Hated it.
- This one should have been called A Fish Called Julia.
- Oooh.
Next, Eddie Murphy was back in Another 48 Hours.
You know, I'm sorry.
This movie just got off on the wrong track.
I feel that they should have spent more time where the real story is.
- Mm-hmm.
- In the prisons.
I'd like to see more about them old sweaty mens all together in them tiny little cells.
.
.
with no one to turn to but each others.
Ooh, drop the soap.
I'll get it.
Hush.
- Really? - You know I can wait.
Then we come to Spike Lee's Mo'Better Blues.
I'm sorry.
I didn't care for it.
It just didn't put no toot in my horn.
I'm sorry, but I liked this one.
I mean, little Spike Lee outdone himself this time.
He really stretched out in a dual role.
.
.
as both the lead character's manager and love interest.
Oh, he was okay as the manager.
.
.
but, ooh, he just thrilled me to death in those gripping love scenes.
.
.
with big old handsome Denzel Washington.
What courage it must have taken for little Spike Lee to take off them glasses.
.
.
and let that little hair get knotty and say.
.
.
"Hey, this is me.
Here I am.
See me, love me.
" Hello! Put the car in park.
The love interest was played by Spike Lee's little sister, Joi.
Well, touch me in the morning and then just walk away.
I don't know.
I think you should go see this again, then you tell me who's who.
- Yeah, well, you can go without me.
- 'Toine.
Don't get mad.
- 'Toine.
- Okay.
Finally, we have Die Harder.
What a way to go! Ninety minutes with Mr.
Bruce Willis.
Oh, yes.
Don't tempt my tummy with the taste of Nuts & Honey.
Crazy.
You know, the only thing I didn't understand was all the violence in the film.
.
.
'cause the title suggested a love story.
Mm-hmm.
I second that emotion.
I think this one still deserves the new and improved.
.
.
[Together.]
Two snaps, a twist and a kiss.
Stop.
Can't touch this.
Well, that's our show.
Next week, we'll be looking at Air America, starring Mel Gibson.
.
.
and little Robert DowneyJrs.
- Pilot to copilot, we're going down in flames.
- [Giggles.]
[Together.]
Bye, now.
[Disco.]
We'll see you next week.
Good night.
You can do what you wanna do In living color