Life in Pieces (2015) s02e21 Episode Script

TIM: Let's go, we got Matt's wedding to get to! I requested our ride.
Vladimir will be arriving in a white minivan and for the first time ever, the Hughes family's gonna make it to the airport on time.
(whoops) I'd give you guys a hug, but your dad told me I didn't have time to shower, so Ah, come on, not my fault you spent your whole morning - helping me pack.
- Yeah.
Let's do it.
Wait, where are your bags? Oh, we're not bringing any, we're minimalists now.
CLEMENTINE: Yeah, anything we need, we'll buy from the natives to stimulate the local economy.
Oh, that's dumb.
Okay.
- Vlad is right down the street.
- Oh! Wait, Vlad is spinning around.
Vlad, you're going the wrong way, buddy.
Vlad, you're going the wrong way.
Vlad, Vlad, come back! Vlad is back on track, - and so are we.
Let's go! - Oh! Wait, Dad? These boarding passes say that our flight isn't for four hours.
- Oh, yeah - HEATHER: What?! Yeah, I-I think they just print those in east coast time.
- You lied to me! - I had to.
Look, we never make it to the airport early enough to not panic, and I've really been craving - that Terminal 3 clam chowder.
- Oh, Tim.
Nobody makes chowder like Terminal 3.
You know I hate getting to the airport early.
It's like you're at a zoo where all the animals get to cough on you.
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.
- Where you going? - You know what? I'm gonna go upstairs, I'm gonna shower, and I'm gonna use all the time that you tried to steal from me.
Ugh.
All right, I'm gonna cancel Vladimir and I'm gonna order another car for 20 minutes from now.
Don't anybody else move.
Soon as she gets back down here, we are leaving.
- Uh, Sophia's bag is leaking.
- What? Oh, you can't bring that on a plane.
Samantha's bringing a thong.
Ugh, Sophia.
I figured I'd need something to drink when I got kidnapped in Mexico.
You are gonna pay for me, right? Don't be ridiculous.
I don't even know what they're asking yet.
Birth control pills, really? What exactly did you imagine was gonna happen in Mexico? Actually, uh, I slipped those into Sophia's bag.
You what? I thought we weren't bringing anything.
Well, the other option is we don't have sex the entire time we're there.
Okay, we can each bring one thing.
All right, time's up, Heather! I'm requesting another car! HEATHER: Hey, babe, I can't get the shower to shut off.
And now I'm canceling it.
Ah! I'm supposed to be soaked from doing the worm at a rehearsal dinner, not from a broken shower! - Screw it.
- Oh.
(metal clunks) I'm gonna turn the water off to the whole house.
We'll just deal with this when we get home.
Ugh.
Oh, wow.
Ugh! (sighs) Sam, what are you doing? Re-packing.
I just got my stupid period, and apparently, I gained five pounds.
Everything is garbage.
Look away! Okay, look, just hurry, all right? I got to reschedule another car as soon as I get the water - Get out! - I'm going! - Oh, I'm sorry, stay.
- Honey - No, go away! - Oh, no, no! (groans loudly) TIM: All right.
I got the water main off, I just had to hit it with a hammer until the water stopped running.
Finally, we're gonna be late.
Oh, now you want to leave? Well, we didn't have to be late.
Vlad was right out front.
Where is Tyler? We're here, we're ready.
Oh, wh-what happened to the minimalism? No, we decided to help out the American economy by paying baggage fees.
Hopefully we'll rub off on you guys a little bit.
The world's not gonna get better unless we all do our part, you know? Just shut up.
Where's Samantha? I'm right here.
How could you not see me? - I'm a house! - I know, it's okay, honey.
Listen, get yourself cleaned up so we can get out of here.
No time, just I'll take a whore's bath at the airport.
- Okay.
- What's a horse bath? It's when you wash your pits and your crotch.
And it's called a "whore's bath.
" - Yeah, and a whore is a lady who takes money for - (phone chimes) Ugh.
Our driver's here, I'll just explain in the car.
Let's go! TYLER: Oh, I got that, I got that.
SOPHIA: Get going! Why did we have to walk so far to get the car? Because if the driver picks us up at our house, then he knows we're out of town and he'll clean us out.
You posted on Facebook, "See ya, suckers, we're going to Mexico," and gave the dates.
(whispering): The man, he's right there, shut up.
Oh.
Professor Wilde.
Um, no, I'm his far less successful twin brother.
(chuckles) Wow, for a creative writing teacher, you have the worst ideas.
Well, those who can, do.
Those who can't, drive people around to make their alimony payments.
Heh.
- Oh.
- Ah, but I also sell these dream catchers I make.
That's real cat hair, you know.
Ooh, how much? You know, we love supporting the arts.
Well, how much do you think it's worth? Not even $1.
Sold, for not even $1.
Just take us to the airport.
Yes! The place where the planes live.
(laughs) Oh, wipe okay.
WILDE: Who's ready for some right turns? (all yelling) WILDE: Oh, sorry.
(laughs) You Yanks drive on the other side, I always forget, but the police never do.
You missed the on-ramp.
I, uh, I hope you're okay with surface streets.
I have a crippling fear of freeways.
- (Wilde laughs, Heather laughs, then cries) - TIM: All right.
- Just pull over, we'll order another car.
- Huh? What? - HEATHER AND TIM: Pull over! - Oh, oh, okay, all right, pulling over.
Finding a safe spot.
Nice to see you.
Be sure to give me five stars.
(tires peel out) (family yells, cars honking) - Oh! - (screams) (car horn blares) All right.
We can still make this flight if we just get another car.
Where's our luggage? (gasps) - I got him! - No HEATHER: Oh, no.
SOPHIA: There's no way he's gonna catch it.
(horn blares) MADISON: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you can't take your dog on the plane.
Oh, please.
I-I haven't been clear.
Um, this dog is the ring bearer at our son's wedding.
It's the only way I could get my husband to go.
There's nothing I can do.
If you don't have the proper paperwork, you can't bring a live animal into another country.
Even if that country's Mexico? I thought you filled out the paperwork.
Well, I made a-a doggy passport, but it's more like a novelty thing.
Please, he's been training Tank for a month.
It's their Olympics.
Show her, John.
(John and Joan humming "Pachelbel's Canon") JOHN: Ta-da.
There's the ring.
JOHN: Pretty good, huh? The wedding's not gonna be at a church, so I figured anything goes.
Adorable.
Yeah.
(chuckles) But we can't let things on the plane just because they're cute.
That road leads to baby terrorists.
How are we gonna tell Matt and Colleen? I mean, they were so excited that Tank was gonna be their ring bearer.
Now it's just gonna be Sophia, and that-that could be a real yawn fest.
- Wait.
- Hmm? You trained Tank to play dead, right? Uh, I taught him to lay down by the curb so nobody would park in our driveway.
Well, the ticket lady just said we can't bring live animals on.
Ooh.
It's you or me, little buddy.
And I got the gun.
(imitates laser) She only comes back to life if I say "Holy crap.
" Perfect.
And we can pretend we're veterinarians, because I'm sure that they're legally allowed, uh, to transport a dead animal.
Now remember, good buddy.
(imitates laser) That beer cooler's perfect.
Smart move making a trade with that spring breaker.
(laughing): Yeah.
Tank can wear a beret to the wedding.
I mean, who cares if people think it's pretentious? Ooh, I'm getting nervous.
I don't look anything like a veterinarian.
I can't even think of a dog breed.
Poodle-bear? Poodle-bear.
Poodle-bear? Damn, baby, just be cool.
- Okay.
- Tank won't feel a thing.
What's in the cooler? I don't know.
JOHN: Oh, uh What is it, honey? Oh, yeah, right.
It's a dead dog.
Uh, we're bringing it into Mexico.
It's a poodle-bear.
We're veterinarians.
And you're bringing a dead dog to Mexico, why? Organ transplant.
Yeah, there's a Mexican movie dog in desperate need of a liver.
Yeah, we, we can't tell you the dog's name.
- Mm-mm.
- But we can say it's a Chihuahua who once went to Beverly Hills.
Just toss him on the conveyor belt.
Vet, huh? Oh, all my life.
Yeah, our work is really cutting-edge.
We once, uh, grafted a fish head onto a squirrel.
Didn't work, can't be done.
Would you two hold there for a moment? Bag check.
(conveyor belt whirring) (grunts) Let's see.
Are you trying to smuggle something into Mexico? Just fresh dog organs.
Looks like she swallowed a ring.
Must be how she died.
Holy crap.
(barks) Oh! This is a miracle.
JOHN: Oh, this is bad, Joanie.
Tank swallowed Matt's wedding ring.
We need a veterinarian.
I thought you were vets.
I'm a Vietnam vet.
- (phone ringing) - JOHN: Okay.
(gasps) It's Matt.
I'm still on the phone with the vet.
He doesn't think she'll pass it unless we bring her in.
How's my wedding boy? Uh, we're doing good.
We just, uh wanted to check in with you.
We're, we're boarding soon, so - Uh, we'll see you down there.
- Yes, dear.
And we know exactly where the ring is, and Tank is fine.
And we're not veterinarians.
What? T-They say we have to take Tank to emergency surgery.
But it's our son's wedding.
Looks like we've got some tough decisions to make here, Joanie.
Oh.
(laughing): Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I've made my decision.
Oh.
You're Baby Gavin.
Oh.
(laughs) Your gift bags precede you.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
This is Baby Gavin.
I mean, who else would she he be? ANNOUNCER (over intercom): Final call for Flight 221 to Reno.
I can't believe we're that couple that flies with a baby, now.
You know, we should've just driven the 40 hours to the wedding, that way the only people that hate us are ourselves.
Why do you care so much about what people think? Look, that lady is literally eating kimchi out of a bag.
I mean, we should just enjoy Lark's good mood while we have it.
(Lark crying) Oh.
Honey, everyone is looking at us.
Quick, I-I'm gonna start crying to drown her out.
Uh, tell me I'm fat or that I haven't worked out.
Oh, will you stop? Please? Look, that hipster couple's baby is way fussier than Lark.
Ugh, and look, they have one of those mustache pacifiers.
Baby looks ridiculous.
Oh She looks so cute.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen.
Please, take your seats.
Sorry you have to sit next to a baby.
I promise she's one of the good ones.
(laughs) I don't know you, so your promise doesn't mean much.
- There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, what's that? It's mine.
JORDANA: Don't worry, you get a bag.
And you get a bag, and you get a bag and everyone near us gets a bag.
I'm like Oprah.
ELIJAH: Just a small thank you for being patient with our little angel.
"Hi, I'm Baby Gavin.
This is my first flight.
I'll try to be good, but if I lose my cool, this is my way of saying sowwy.
" And they even spelled it with two Ws.
We're expected to believe that Gavin actually wrote this and knew how to spell every word except "sorry"? (snorts) Earplugs, candy Give me a break.
This is gonna make people not be annoyed by a crying baby? Chocolate? Oh my God, how did Gavin know my weakness? Really? Chocolate just makes the crying go away? Gavin's just being Gavin.
Ooh, a tile puzzle.
(gasps) What is your baby's problem? Okay? I wish Gavin had thrown a toy at me, because then at least, he'd be sowwy.
(whispering): Yeah, but Gavin didn't write that note.
I think he would have if he could have.
(quietly): It's gonna be a long flight.
(Lark crying) Is this going to do that for the rest of the flight? I am so sorry.
Um, here, you know what? Why don't you take this? This makes everything better.
Oh, you're Baby Gavin? Oh.
Your gift bags precede you.
Yeah, yeah.
This is Baby Gavin.
I think you and your wife are the most considerate parents I've ever had on a flight.
I think someone deserves a special treat.
(quietly): Can you introduce us to the pilot? Okay.
Oh.
Hey, did you meet the pilot? Oh, yeah.
I the pilot was in the bathroom, so, not really, but I did knock on the door.
This is in case my sweet Baby Gavin gets chilly willy.
I warmed it up with the Salisbury steak - so it smells delicious.
- GREG: Oh.
That's not Baby Gavin.
Uh, Greg? Did these people tell you that their baby is Baby Gavin? - This is Baby Gavin.
- MAN: There he is.
Aw.
- PASSENGER: Aw.
- Okay? You lied to me? Maybe if we crash, I'll lie to you about where the emergency exit is.
No offense, but you're disgusting.
(cries) GREG: Shh, it's okay.
Shh.
All right.
You two should be in your seats.
Uh, we were seeing if there's any open seats up here 'cause the old guy we're sitting next to does not approve of our interracial marriage.
Oh, he sounds like a treat.
Let's, uh, switch.
Yeah, yeah.
Really? Okay, let's go.
Come on.
Well, look at this, a baby.
I love a baby.
Bald and chubby, just like me.
(both laughing) Here, you want to know what? - Just a, just a small, little thank you.
- Aah.
For your patience with our little angel.
Thank you, that's very kind.
Cookies.
I love cookies.
What? Will you stop worrying so much about what people think about you? I mean, the world hating you is what having a kid is all about.
Plus, that dude is a racist.
You're right.
I shouldn't have lied.
Did you make these? Yes, I did.
Did you bake them with coconut? (coughs) Because you love coconut? (coughing, wheezing) (line ringing) Hola, Jen.
Hey Colleen, listen, we might be a little late to the wedding.
We-we had to make an emergency landing in San Diego.
Oh, no.
Is everyone okay? Uh, well, not everyone.
CAPTAIN: Sorry folks, we're gonna be here a bit, so, uh, just make yourselves comfy.
Sowwy.
I'm sowwy, everyone.
We'd be happy to compensate you with a hundred dollar voucher.
(both groan) I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
- I don't know.
- I don't think we should risk it.
Yeah, our peace of mind is worth way more than a hundred dollars.
It's a hundred dollars per person.
- We'll take it.
Mm-hmm.
- Done.
Have a nice flight.
Hi, we just wanted to make sure our seats were together.
We're getting married tomorrow.
So, I don't know if that qualifies us for an upgrade, or maybe free champagne, or, ooh, maybe the pilot could announce us over the intercom - and everyone could clap.
- Aw.
You do see the long line of people behind you, don't you, ma'am? Yeah.
Do you think you can get them to clap? Sorry, we're just, we're really excited to get to Cabo - and finally get married.
- Yeah.
Well, how's she gonna know that if you took off your groom hat? Well, it was pink and it said "Groom Number Two".
Well, mine said "Bride" No, darling, it said "Pride.
" Well, we are actually overbooked, but if you guys are interested in taking the next flight, which leaves in an hour, we'd be happy to compensate you with a hundred dollar voucher.
(both groan) I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
- I don't know.
- I don't think we should risk it.
Yeah, our peace of mind is worth way more than a hundred dollars.
It's a hundred dollars per person.
- We'll take it.
Mm-hmm.
- Done.
- We can actually take a honeymoon.
- Yeah.
Like, anywhere in California, excluding San Francisco.
That was the easiest hundred dollars I've ever made with clothes on.
Yeah, I mean, - who needs to sit around a pool all day - Yeah.
when we can just what did, what did you just say? We can just drink the free champagne in the room.
That'll be the most free alcohol I've ever gotten with my clothes on.
Um, do we need to have a talk? Shh, they're making an announcement.
Attention passengers, it looks like we've got an overbooked flight.
If anyone is willing to be rebooked on our 2:00 flight, we'll compensate you with a hundred dollar voucher.
I don't know.
It's cutting it pretty close for an extra couple hundred bucks.
MAN: Nobody's volunteered.
You wait that out, you'll both end up with vouchers worth twice that.
Do you think they'd throw in an in-flight magazine where the sudoku hasn't been done yet? A clean sudoku page? (scoffs, snorts) I haven't seen one of those since 2006.
I mean, the next flight is in an hour.
I wouldn't even have to take a new anxiety pill.
I just could for fun.
Yeah, and we'd actually have time to get some chowder.
Ooh, yeah.
And we could read that really cool plaque.
Don't look at him.
Just act disinterested.
There's some big people here who are two-seaters and that airline knows it.
Attention passengers, we're gonna increase that voucher to 400 for any volunteer.
Let's move.
Go, go, go.
Let me get there.
Aw, that's the last plaque we're gonna read together - as an unmarried couple.
- Aw.
I can't believe this airport is where clam chowder was invented.
I can't believe 8,000 men died building it.
Oh, look.
It's Jen and Greg.
- You got it? - Yeah, I got it.
I got it.
- Hi.
- No! Don't, don't, don't, don't.
- What? - We don't want to be associated with a couple that's traveling with a baby, just in case the crowd turns on them.
- Good call.
- Yeah.
I got it.
Ow! - Oh, honey.
- Ow! - He's fine.
- Oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
But this does look like a very full gate.
- You know what that could mean - Ah, mm.
Attention, passengers.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Come on, big money, big money.
This flight is actually overbooked - Yes! Oh, man, we are killing this! - (whoops) I know! - I love you so much, baby.
- I love you so much.
Oh, guys, come here, come here.
My mom's gonna love this.
- Okay, now just me and you.
- Okay, okay.
(chuckles) Last flight of the night.
I guess this ride's over.
No, but it's just beginning.
We're gonna have a beautiful wedding and we actually get a honeymoon.
It's incredible.
And we're only gonna be an hour late to the rehearsal dinner, which is perfect.
We can make a grand entrance.
Are you guys waiting for the 7:30 to Cabo? Yes, and we're getting married so we expect free stuff.
Well, here's a free hotel voucher.
Oh.
Wait.
Your flight was cancelled.
Yes! We did it! The Holy Grail, a free hotel stay.
Oh, no, no.
We-we don't want a free hotel stay.
We're getting married in the morning.
There are no other flights? We'll see if we can get you on a flight tomorrow, - but it's gonna be tough.
- What? A lot of weddings in Cabo this weekend.
What? Holy crap, guys.
This is for a Daze Inn with a "Z", which means I've got money for a prostitute and a place to take her.
High-five.
We're gonna miss our own wedding.
Yeah.