Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s02e21 Episode Script

Step right up.
Step right up, folks.
Step right up and have your futures told by Madame Malovsky.
She knows all, she sees all and she tells all.
- How much of my dollar goes to charity? - A hundred percent.
One hundred pennies of your dollar will go to charity.
See your destiny with Madame Malovsky.
Okay, I'm sold.
Lois, is that you? Honey, I need some help.
I cannot keep these fingernails on.
How in thunder you women put up with all of this is beyond me.
Come on, Lois.
You'll be here when I get back? You won't have an urge to buy a video or put money in the meter, get yourself new shoelaces? Lois, I'm about to lose a customer.
Is this your idea of a date? Do you think Scardino takes her to silly street fairs, buys her cotton candy? Jimmy, I don't care what Scardino does.
- Hi, guys.
Lois around? - Yeah, and she's with me.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Like, a date? - Yeah.
Like a date.
Where she and I are together for a period of time, as a couple.
She is with me and I am with her.
Look out.
Look out, I can't hold this.
Somebody get him out of the way.
I can't hold it.
Look out.
Look out below! - Glad I was nearby.
- Thanks, Superman.
My gosh, Calvin, are you all right? He's a little bit dazed but he'll be fine.
Fine? Fine? He broke my hand, Elise.
Just when I get my break in show business, this baboon busts my hand.
Take me to the hospital right now.
I mean it.
Clark? - So now you know.
- Know what? Just about how much you mean to Clark Kent.
He probably had a good reason.
Yeah, sure he did.
He probably had to go buy some pies.
I'm sorry, Lois.
The guy just brings it out in me.
I don't understand what you see in him.
He's nice and he's kind and he's patient.
- Oh, I thought you were mad at him.
- I'm mad at both of you.
Me? Why me? You deliberately horned in on my date with Clark and you tried to make him look bad.
- I didn't have to try very hard.
Because you think gifts solve everything.
And because you won't talk to me about your work.
Whoa, Lois.
You know that's not personal.
But I'm here because I wanna be with you, whenever I can.
Can you say that about Clark? I mean, he's the one you had a date with.
Where's he? I'm a musician.
I'm an artist.
I need both my hands.
What would Jimi Hendrix have been with one hand? I'll tell you what, he'd have been nobody.
He'd have been nothing.
He'd have been He would've been alive.
You're alive, Calvin, and you're gonna be fine.
You don't understand anything.
You're a waitress, for God's sake.
You serve slabs of dead cow to fat businessmen.
You wouldn't know art if it jumped up and bit your kneecap.
You know, people who love each other are supposed to be kind to each other.
What are you, a greeting card on steroids? You fly around butting your nose in other people's business.
Who asked you? Listen, I've never been sorry that I've saved anyone's life before, Mr.
Dregg.
- I'd hate to start now.
- Why are you still here? What are you waiting for, gratitude? You ruined my life.
It will heal.
Please go.
He won't calm down unless you go.
Really, I'll be fine.
And, thank you.
You ruined my life! It is not just some dumb guy thing, Lois.
I'm a federal agent, you're a reporter.
Our professional loyalties conflict.
Not to mention the fact that if you know what I'm doing, you could be in danger.
Oh, so that's what this is? This is you protecting the little woman.
- Sometimes.
- I don't need protecting.
What do you need? What do you want, Lois? I just want one man.
One whole man.
Is that too much to ask for? And what do I have to choose from? I've got one guy who's really wonderful, but disappears when I try and talk to him.
And one guy who's exciting to be with, only he won't talk to me about his job What do people talk about if not what they did all day? And one guy who is out of this world, literally.
I thought you had given up the Superman fantasy.
Well, my head has, but, you know, my heart is just conflicted.
So it would seem.
Could we just go over my options? Your current options are, one wonderful guy who's apparently afraid of commitment.
One exciting guy who wants to control the conversation.
And one superhero who is apparently unattainable.
Or it could be that none of them is right for you.
You know, you just seem to have this annoying little habit of repeating back to me everything that I just said.
Sometimes we can't hear what we're saying unless somebody reflects it back.
They make me really mad.
And what do you think you might wanna do about that? Lois.
- Jimmy, did you hear something? - Like what? Sounded like my name.
You didn't say my name? No, Clark did.
Clark who? - Lois? - There it is again.
- Lois - What? No.
Don't say a word.
Allow me.
"Lois, I can explain.
I suddenly remembered that I had to get my mother's sister's poodle's hair cut.
So you can see why I left you in the middle of our date.
But I'm sure you'll understand.
" How am I doing so far? Elise, my hand really itches.
And it really hurts.
You, stay.
So while the male lion basks majestically in the warm sun of the veldt the female hunts and cares for her young.
Bye, sweetie.
You're not going to work? - What if I need something? - Everything you need is on the TV tray.
What if I need to write something down? - Like a phone message.
- Use your other hand.
What if I need to open a can of beer? Calvin, I'm sorry.
Really I am, but I have to go to work.
Have you been injured? Just call Barry Barker.
I'll go to the mat for you.
I'll sue anybody for anything.
And when I say, "anybody," I mean anybody.
Superman? Superman? Finally, I'll be famous.
Finally, I'll get respect.
Finally, women will sense my power.
- Excuse me, this is about me.
- Of course it is, my boy.
I never lose sight of the true objective.
I'll take your case and it won't cost you a cent.
I'll be working entirely on contingency.
Forty percent of the settlement.
- Forty percent? - Ask my receptionist to come in here.
Thank you very much.
See you later.
Barry Barker v.
The Man of Steel.
You'll have to work late tonight.
There's something I need for you to do.
- Help.
- Louder.
Louder.
Help.
Help! Much better, Mother.
What exactly do you think you're doing, sir? Superman you have just been served.
See you in court.
And now back to the Nature Channel.
Now, bear with me here, folks, because it is really pretty complicated.
I'll do my best to lead you through the intricacies.
No one knows why 90 percent of the females die before reproductive maturity.
But we do know there are five male adult Namibian mud daubers for every female.
A situation that seriously complicates the mating ritual.
It is ironic that such mindless creatures stand to inherit the Earth Hello? - Hello, Lois.
- Hey, Bobby.
- Did you get what I was looking for? - I don't see any duck.
- I wanted Peking duck, Lois.
- I couldn't get duck.
You have to order it in advance.
Slippery shrimp.
Now, I love slippery shrimp.
- Nirvana.
- What? It's what you asked for.
It's a code name.
"Project Nirvana.
" Hey, Lois, are you sure your boyfriend, Scardino, is with the DEA? - He's not my boyfriend.
- All right, it's a figure of speech.
According to what I'm hearing on the street he's not DEA.
- He's FDA.
- What? Food and Drug Administration, Lois.
He's a guy that can say yes or no to companies marketing new drugs.
Well, you must have the wrong Scardino.
All right.
All right.
If you say so.
- So, what else did you get? - Project Nirvana is related to Intergang.
I'm not sticking my neck in that noose and you didn't hear it from me.
That's all I know.
- You know what else? We're even.
- Bobby? - Great dumplings, Lois.
- Bobby.
- Who is it? - It's me, sugar blossom.
Dan.
I'm doing a survey of women who resent having gifts sent to them.
Please answer true or false.
"Wrapping paper offends me.
" "I am psychologically unable to accept gifts.
" Okay.
"Gifts are okay, I just can't stand the guy who sent them.
" It's not about the gifts, Dan.
It's about trust.
It's not just dangerous for you to know what I do.
It's dangerous for me.
That's not what I'm saying, Dan.
I'm saying you don't trust me.
I think I think you're looking for something that doesn't exist, Lois.
The perfect man, the perfect relationship, the perfect life.
Excuse me for a minute.
This won't take a second.
- Nirvana? - What? The perfect life.
Nirvana, Utopia, Camelot, Eden? Yeah.
Those places don't exist, Lois.
We have to deal with the real world.
Oh, super.
Hi.
- Can I talk to you? - Take a number, pal.
While the female seems to be able to choose among rivals for her affections the power resides with the male that proves to be the most ruthless gladiator.
Give me a break here, guys.
Come on.
I've never really been sued before, Lois.
So I'm not exactly sure how to pursue this.
Well, you need a lawyer.
I know a guy who handles stuff like this.
He's never lost a case.
Yeah, but is he a good person? He's a lawyer.
Bad for your boy-scout image to be represented by a scuzzball? Surely there must be one honest lawyer out there.
I know one, for all the good it'll do you.
His hand will heal, and since he has no job, there will be no loss of income.
So other than his medical bills he has no case.
Yes, and I've offered to pay for the medical expenses.
- And his response? - He has only one response to everything.
- He complained.
- I know the type.
They want, they need, they deserve.
Nothing is ever enough and nothing is ever right.
They stand alone, at the center of the universe, whining for more.
I really hate them.
You must be great in front of a jury.
So you'll take the case? No.
And so we see that spineless dung beetles tend toward thinly veiled power struggles having little regard for the colony as a whole.
Next, we go to the fascinating Andean nettlebug.
A species with three genders.
Male, female and the sexless drone.
The drones seem to serve a matchmaking function unique in the insect kingdom and a thankless job it is for them.
You have reached the office of Charles Knox, President of Omnicorp.
Leave your name, number and the purpose of your call.
Thank you for calling Omnicorp.
Oh, my God, look at that.
The drone will follow its genetic program and fulfill its deplorable destiny.
You guys seen Clark today? No, and don't try to put me in the middle of anything.
I need you to find out everything you can about Omnicorp and Charles Knox.
- He's the president.
- Okay.
Now, I'm gonna go investigate this guy who's suing Superman.
Okay.
The Andean nettlebug mates only once, with tragic consequences for all concerned.
But the species survives and thrives and the little, newly-hatched nettlebugettes have no inkling of the calamitous fate that awaits them.
I don't try cases anymore.
I gave it up because I never won.
I never won because I believe that justice should be about truth not about who the better liar is.
But that's exactly what I need.
Someone who understands that justice is about truth.
No, no.
You need to win.
Otherwise, you'll spend your life in court answering to greedy plaintiffs and their noxious attorneys.
- Is that what you want? - No, of course not.
Then you need someone who sees an open wound and reaches for the salt.
You need a real lawyer.
I'm sorry.
- Did you bring it? - Yes.
Is Superman getting too big for his britches? Next, on Jerry.
Isn't this exciting, Elise? I'm gonna be on national TV.
Barry Barker says there's no way I could lose the case.
Oh, that's wonderful, Calvin.
Calvin, if you win a lot of money, then can we tell people we're married? Absolutely, honey.
You know the only reason I wanted to keep it secret was that I didn't want your friends to think you were marrying a bum.
You know what you gotta say on the witness stand? Yes, Calvin.
Hi, Lois.
- Men are pigs.
- What? Here it is, it's starting.
Today we'll be talking with Calvin Dregg a master guitarist on the cusp of major stardom until he suffered a career-ending injury at the hands of Superman.
Yes, folks, Superman.
Is the Man of Steel the champion of justice or is he just a bully in a cape? You decide.
Oh, I'm so photogenic.
We tried to contact Superman to hear his side of the story.
But apparently, the Man of Steel feels that he's not answerable to anyone.
Well, we'll see, won't we, Calvin? Whether he is answerable to the law.
You look so good, Calvin.
According to the doctor my attorney found me I have permanent nerve damage.
I'll never play the guitar again.
And Superman didn't even apologize.
You idiot! You bought a defective TV.
I'm gonna have to find another one.
A little unpleasant.
- What? - Well? - Well, what? - Time to talk.
Clark, we were on a date and you just disappeared and never came back.
- Lois, I'm not exactly sure what to say.
- The truth.
Look, I've come to the point with this, with us that whatever the truth is, I need to hear it.
Help.
My brakes.
I'm losing control - Lois, I'm really sorry.
- Clark, don't you do it.
- My knee.
I need a doctor.
- Don't move me.
Superman, how could you hurt my back like that? I've dislocated my hip.
Excuse me.
Could I just borrow your paper and pen for a second? If my friend comes back could you just give him this for me, please? Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
- We saw The Jerry Show.
- Boy, am I glad to see you.
Oh, sweetie.
And that's where I am.
Lois hates me.
I've got a long line of people waiting to sue me and I don't have a lawyer.
I don't have time to do my job at the Planet, and Lois hates me.
- You said that.
- And it's not true.
- You didn't see her face.
- She wouldn't get upset if she didn't care.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
- Do what? - I thought I was able to lead a normal life.
To have a job, friends and somebody to love.
But it isn't possible, is it? I can't go on being two people anymore.
- Oh, honey.
- I'm gonna have to choose.
Clark or Superman.
Mr.
Church, are you bitter about your time in jail? No, no.
I'm certainly not bitter.
- Ah, Superman.
- Don't tell me you made bail.
Bail? No, they're dropping the charges.
- What? - Well, all you need is a good lawyer.
Trust me, you are gonna love it in there.
I just signed to write a book about the whole experience.
It's called, Why This is the Greatest Country on Earth.
Well, let me tell you about my strategy in a case like this, Mr.
Superman.
First of all, I don't just beat the other side.
Oh, no, no, no.
I kill them.
You're right to shop carefully for an attorney.
I've handled dozens of cases like this and none of them has ever gone to trial.
- I've always settled amicably and cheaply.
- That's great.
How? Well, find the plaintiff's darkest secret and threaten to print it unless he backs off.
- Mint? - No.
The only way to be number one, go for the throat.
Choke them with paperwork, cut off their air.
You go after their friends, their families, their lovers.
And when their bones are just about to break - I don't think you squeeze harder.
Let's go.
Superman, you are the one being exploited here, and I've got an idea.
Let's sue them.
And not just them.
Let's go after the ones selling the Superman comics and not cutting you in.
And the T-shirts.
Let's get a piece of that action.
- I - Is the problem money? No problem.
First few are on me, pro bono.
If you just sign over the TV-movie rights to me, right there.
I trained myself to think that way.
I show no mercy.
I wanna draw blood.
I wanna kill, kill, kill.
I really have to go save someone or something.
Ki Right.
I got a yoga lesson.
We'll talk soon, huh? - You look sad, Superman.
- I'm okay.
- Want a hug? - Sure.
- Don't be a Mr.
Gloomy-Pants.
- Okay.
Careful, I might get jealous.
Lois, what are you doing here? I've been finding out about the bum who's suing you.
He has quite a track record in England.
Seems he loves suing people, loves getting sued so he can countersue.
- Establishes a real pattern.
- It would if it were admissible.
But isn't it? I mean, he's clearly vindictively litigious.
I'm sorry, Lois, but thanks for trying.
Tell me what I can do to help, please.
I'm afraid this is one battle I'm gonna have to fight on my own.
No, I had nothing else to say.
I was finished.
Thanks.
Hi.
Charles Knox, right? Dan Scardino, FDA.
Is that the money? Let's talk dates.
We hardly know each other.
But, hell, if you're paying.
Go be Chuckles the Clown on your time.
On my clock, shut your mouth.
Now, we want FDA approval on the drug.
We want it by the first of the year.
And we want it guaranteed.
You got it.
So this is what you didn't want me to find out about.
Lois, there are things going on you can't know about.
Really? Like your posing as a corrupt FDA researcher? And the man you just met with is the president of Omnicorp who wants you to push a new drug called Nirvana that the DEA thinks has mind-altering effects.
- How did you? - Because I'm a reporter.
A reporter, remember? Lois, I need you to stay out of this.
That's why you won't talk to me about your work.
You don't trust me.
You think I'm gonna print whatever I find - Lois, stay away from this.
- Excuse me? - Stay - What am I, a house pet? All you talk about is how evasive Clark is and how he's always disappearing.
But at least he trusts me.
He knows that I would never use someone just to get a story.
So here.
I want you to have these.
These are all my notes on your stupid case.
Good luck.
Mr.
Church.
Charles Knox.
I've got bad news.
I admire your bluntness and your courage.
- It's about Operation Nirvana.
- Nirvana, huh? The synthetic nerve-block we were developing, disguised as aspirin.
- Makes people susceptible to suggestion.
- Yeah, right, right, right.
People take it for headaches then buy our crap because they just believe what they are told.
What's the problem? - Are you alone, sir? - I just got out of jail, Knox.
A DEA agent and a reporter are on to us.
Pull over.
Now, Lane and this agent are both gonna be testifying at the Superman trial, aren't they? - I think I read about it.
- Now, wouldn't it be ironic if something happened to them right under his nose? Might just put the final nail in the coffin of his career, eh? Yes.
Yes, it would.
Why don't you get right on that.
I can't find a lawyer out there I'd like to spend five minutes with.
Let alone entrust my entire career to.
- Please? - You're being pathetic.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Don't say you're sorry.
It's pathetic.
I can't say no to pathetic.
I never could.
And you being pathetic is really pathetic.
Miss Hunter, I thought I'd seen every kind of evil there is every perversion known to man, law and God.
I thought I knew how to fight them all.
But there's something out there I can't fight because I don't understand it.
Greed.
Miss Hunter, I need an ally.
Someone who understands greed but doesn't wanna be a part of it.
And if that's pathetic, well Just once, I would like to have a client walk in with a case I thought I could win.
So you'll do it? Go to You know, wherever it is you go and rest up.
We'll start tomorrow at 9.
You bring the bagels.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I - Sit down.
I thought about what a jerk I was.
I thought given the size of my jerkiness, maybe roses, maybe jewelry maybe a Learjet.
- We both overreacted.
I didn't bring you anything, Lois, because I don't wanna dazzle you.
I just wanna be with you, so can we talk? Sure.
Come on in.
But how do you give up being who you are? Pretend to move overseas and build myself some secret lair to live in.
I don't know.
I haven't sorted it all out yet.
I just know that I can't keep lying to Lois.
- But I can't keep hurting her.
- But what if you lose your case? What happens to Superman then? What you're saying is, that all my life I've attracted men that are controlling or incomplete or downright liars, because - Because - Keep going.
Because I like being treated that way? But if I like that kind of man and I get that kind of man, why am I not happy? - You like chocolate, right? - How come everybody knows that? But you know it's not good for you.
And the older we get, the less tolerance we have for things that aren't good for us.
You're not a victim, Lois.
So stop acting like one.
You know who you wanna be with.
You've known all along.
The problem is, he's just as scared as you are.
So who's gonna be the one to step up and say the scary words? How come you never ask the simple questions? I would if I knew the easy answers.
So previous to this incident, Calvin was a happy, active musician.
And how is he now, Miss Carr? Calvin hasn't been able to use his hand since.
- Completely paralyzed? - Yes, completely.
And what about his moods? They're bad.
He hasn't been himself lately.
Nothing further, Your Honor.
Thank you.
Thank you, Miss Carr.
- I smell a ham with cheese.
- The witness may step down.
The court will recess for one hour.
It's silent.
No moving parts.
Just two globs of liquid C-12 separated by a tiny piece of plastic.
You start the acid eating through it and in five minutes, whammo.
Always wanted to try this little sucker.
And right under Superman's nose.
Just remember, it can't look like Scardino and Lane are the only targets.
Don't worry, it won't.
Can I ask you a question? How can you lie like that for a man that won't even admit that you're married? - How did you? - The kind of degradation you tolerate in your personal life is your business.
But you're ruining an innocent man and I won't Excuse me.
He doesn't love you, Elise.
You can tell when a man loves you by the way he treats you by the way he looks at you, by the Miss Lane, if you've found the perfect man, then I'm happy No, he's about as far from perfect as you get.
But I'll tell you the difference between him and Calvin.
I know that he wants my happiness more than his own.
Sitting here, listening to all of this damning testimony I would like to know, why do you want to be Superman? It seems to me it hasn't offered you much, other than exposure to danger and ridicule.
- No, that's not true.
- Explain.
All the things that I can do all the powers that I have, I've asked myself a thousand times, "why?" And the only thing that I can come up with is to help.
As quickly and as decisively as possible.
And maybe because of that, I've become a target.
And maybe there are things that I will never have.
But when I save a life in that instant, I know two things that most people will never figure out.
Why I'm here and how I can make a difference.
- Your witness.
- Fry him.
In oil, kid.
In oil.
Well, that was a heart-rending speech.
Can I get anyone a tissue? - Order.
Order.
- Do you smell something? What? - I've smelled it before.
- Your Honor.
I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I think I'm smelling C-12.
It's an explosive and it's burning somewhere in this room.
Oh, please.
This is the most disgraceful form of courtroom theatrics I've ever witnessed.
- Listen to him.
- Next you'll tell us that we're all gonna die.
Hey, you back off and let him do his job, or you'll be suing me for assault.
I hope everyone heard that.
- I did.
- Naturally.
- Superman, should we evacuate? - No.
Everyone stay calm.
I think Yes, right here.
My eyes.
My eyes! Calvin.
Calvin, are you all right? Someone get a doctor.
I'd say that was meant for me.
Agent Scardino, have your men at the lab take a look at this.
Are you all right? I can't see.
The dust in my eyes.
The dust.
Oh, I'm blind.
I'm blind.
Is there no end of the suffering Superman causes? Calvin, shut up.
- Elise.
- I have had it with you, Calvin.
We'd be dead if it wasn't for Superman.
And there's nothing wrong with your eyes, except you can't see anything but yourself.
Your Honor, this witness has been excused.
And your arm will be fine.
And he'll play guitar just as lousy as he ever did.
He just wanted the money, and he got me to lie for him.
- Elise, honey.
- You don't speak for me anymore.
I want a divorce.
Not that anyone ever knew we were married.
- Your Honor, in light of this new evidence - Save it, counselor.
Case dismissed.
You need a lawyer? All right.
Well, I guess your losing streak is over, Miss Hunter.
Well, it helps when you save the judge's life.
Tends to make them more lenient.
- Thank you for believing in me.
- No, thank you.
Elise.
You did the right thing.
Thanks.
Congratulations.
What? Oh, I just think I understand something that I didn't before.
Why I don't really know you.
Why no one does.
You live above us and when we try and bring you down here we just end up showing the worst sides of ourselves.
I tried to love you.
I realize that that was selfish.
Because you're not just here for me you're here for all of us.
I'll always need you and I'll always be your friend but there's someone here who needs me and I just need to figure out how to get him to see that.
Lois, I need to say to you thank you for being such a great friend.
I can't do this.
I can't.
I'm sorry, Martha.
I know I told you we wouldn't stick our noses in but, Clark, you just can't throw your life away like this.
It's wrong.
Dad, I don't want to do this, but I don't see any other way that's fair to Lois.
Clark, if Lois is the problem, why are you running away? What are you saying, Mom? That I should just tell her that I'm? That I'm? I'm not saying anything.
Before we stick our noses in any further, we're going out for Chinese.
- Congrats.
- Dan.
Come on in.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.
So, what are we to learn from the mating habits of insects, reptiles and mammals? What does it teach us about ourselves? That we're not the only creatures on the planet capable of caring of betrayal, sorrow, forgiveness - Hi.
- Hi.
Planning a yard sale? No, wait.
That's a form of distancing.
My therapist I have a therapist.
Can you believe it? She says that I say things like that to distance myself so I don't have to deal with anything.
It has to do with some boring childhood trauma.
Can I come in? Yeah.
I told Superman that I just wanted to be friends that there was someone else.
And Dan and l Look, Lois, if you came here to tell me that you and Dan We're not gonna be seeing each other anymore.
Wait a minute.
This isn't vacation-packing, is it? This is forever-packing.
I was thinking of moving, but now I'm not so sure.
So, what were you gonna do? Slip out in the night and not tell me? Send me a postcard from? I'm distancing.
I'm I'm sorry.
I didn't expect this, you leaving.
Lois, you and I haven't exactly been getting along lately.
- It's my fault.
I should tell you - Yeah, it's your fault.
It's your fault and it's my fault.
You know, we let ourselves get distracted and we work too much, and we fight about silly things.
And all because we're trying to hide from each other, and I'm sick of it.
The only reason to hide is because we're scared.
- Of what? - Of the fact that we're partners and best friends.
And this.
Clark, if you're gonna run away from this tell me now.
I'm not gonna run, Lois.
I'm ready to take the next step if you are.
We seek the comfort of another.
Someone to shape and share the life we choose.
To help us through the never-ending attempt to understand ourselves.
And in the end, someone to comfort us along the way.
For the Nature Station, I'm Marlin Pfinch Lupus reminding you to stay.