Lost In Space (1965) s02e21 Episode Script

[ Man .]
Last week, as you recall, we left Will, Penny and Dr.
Smith contentedly playing baseball-- unaware that an incredible, alien magician was about to join their innocent game.
[ Will .]
Run, Dr.
Smith! - [ Shrieks .]
- [ Laughs .]
Abracadabra, alakazam! - [ Electronic Warbling .]
- Ibbety-bibbety, ip-boom-bam! [ Screaming .]
Please.
Go away, sir.
Please go away.
Oh, go away, please.
Won't you go away? Please! Oh, dear sir! - Dr.
Smith, what's wrong? - Are you all right? It materialized right in front of me.
A terrible, horrible creature with an egg! Now get a hold of yourself and tell us what happened.
My heart simply cannot endure any more of these traumatic experiences! It's not beating! I can't feel it! There it is.
[ Robot .]
You mentioned an alien being, Dr.
Smith.
My sensors can detect nothing but the presence of ourselves.
Then your sensors are wrong, as usual.
I tell you there was a monster right here! And it caught the ball.
Maybe you just imagined it.
[ Robot .]
Yes.
Your eyesight leaves much to be desired.
You cannot tell a ball from a strike.
I have 20/20 vision.
I tell you, that creature materialized - right in front of me! - [ Electronic Warbling .]
He's back.
- I don't see anyone.
- Neither do I.
Are you both blind? He's sitting right next to me! And he's carrying a ridiculous ventriloquist's dummy! I-I think you've been playing baseball in the hot sun too long, Dr.
Smith.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I can see this dreadful creature and his horrible little doll just as plain as the nose on your face! Honest, there's no one here but ourselves.
There is, there is, there is! I'm in full possession of my mental faculties and I can prove it: ten, nine, eight, four-- eleven, twenty, forty-six, twenty-- That's what my name is.
My age is over 21, but barely.
My height is 175 pounds, and my weight is 5 foot 11.
Never mind, Dr.
Smith.
It's easy enough to find out if there's anyone else here but ourselves-- we'll just ask the Robot.
Of course.
Why didn't we think of that before? [ Whirring .]
Robot, is anyone else present besides ourselves? I do not see, hear or smell anything.
- You heard the Robot, Dr.
Smith.
- The creature did it.
He did something to the Robot.
I saw him.
A kind of spell, or some kind of magic! [ Grating Voice .]
There's really no one here, Dr.
Smith.
[ Laughing Wickedly .]
No one but us chickens! [ Screams .]
The dummy is talking to me! - I won't look! - Good-bye, Dr.
Smith.
[ Dummy .]
But not for long! [ Robot .]
You are not yourself, Dr.
Smith.
Let us take you back to the spaceship.
Yes, please do.
I am not a well man.
- I am not at all well.
- Take it easy, Dr.
Smith.
[ Gasps .]
I'm a very sick man.
Not only is my back extremely delicate but my eyes seem to be playing tricks on me lately, Doctor.
Good heavens.
I'm the doctor! Am I not the doctor? Where is the doctor? Am I the doctor or are you the doctor? I know that I'm the doctor! I feel, really, that I am the doctor! - Well, that seems to be pretty good.
- What about the cooling system? - Let's check that.
- All right.
- Now.
Okay.
- Okay.
Aha! Oh, my goodness, I didn't expect you back this early! - I don't have dinner started.
- Oh, that's a fine thing.
Now, here we've been toiling in the vineyards of space - and no hot meal to come home to! - Ah, and they say a man's - uh, spaceship is his castle.
- Listen, if you have any complaints about the housewives' union, you put it in writing.
- In triplicate.
- All right, all right.
You win.
Say, how's, uh-- How's Dr.
Smith? Not very well.
I just left him.
- Is he still seeing things? - Not anymore.
- He has his eyes shut.
- He's always had his eyes shut.
Oh, he really is in bad shape, Don.
[ John .]
There is one way to tell if he's ill.
- Did he eat his lunch? - Double portions.
Well, then that proves that my medical diagnosis is correct.
There's nothing wrong with Dr.
Smith.
You know, I've always known that Smith would flip his wig but you know, it might be an improvement.
Well, you shouldn't joke about it, Don.
- I'll tell you what.
I'll go cheer him up.
- All right, you do that.
- Will's keeping him company now.
- Okay.
- I'll just finish this.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- You do dinner; I'll finish it.
- All right.
There you are.
I'll help you.
Oh, dear.
I am not well.
Not well.
William, would you be good enough to give me a bit of fruit juice, please? Sure, Dr.
Smith.
Dr.
Smith, you can't lock yourself up in here forever.
You've got to take off those blackout glasses sooner or later.
Never.
As long as I can't see anything, I'm quite safe.
- Maybe you were just having hallucinations.
- Hallucinations indeed.
I'm a practical, realistic man.
- Seeing is believing.
- [ Chuckling .]
Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
I see you, but I don't believe it.
- Go away, Major.
You irk me.
- Oh, there, there, there.
Now, calm yourself.
What's wrong here? Let's see.
Oh, my-- [ Clicks Tongue .]
Pulse, rapid.
Breathing, shallow.
It's a classic example, William.
- He's nuttier than a fruitcake.
- I order you to leave my quarters immediately! He really doesn't feel too good, Don.
I'm sorry, Smith.
I don't mean to upset you.
Why don't you take those glasses off, tell me what this is about? - Here, let me.
- No, no! Get away.
Don't touch me.
These glasses are my only protection.
Don was only trying to help you.
The best way he can do that is to leave me alone.
Oh, everybody go! Leave me alone in my misery.
Okay, Smith.
Suit yourself.
Dr.
Smith, if there's anything you need, just call me.
- [ Electronic Warbling .]
- Oh! I'm imagining things.
I'd better put my glasses back on.
[ Laughing .]
It's too late! Too late! [ Continues Laughing .]
You can't shut me out.
I'm not here! I'm a figment of your imagination.
He's suffering from space fatigue.
I've seen it a hundred times.
Yes.
Yes, space fatigue.
That's exactly what it is.
It is space fatigue! But only a-a slight case.
[ Laughing .]
A slight case-- It happens to all sensitive, highly intelligent individuals.
Flip, flip, and they have had it.
- Flip, flip? - [ Dummy .]
That's right.
- Flip, flip.
- Oh, pity.
So young, so honest.
- So brave.
- So true.
So true.
Whatever shall I do? We could pad the walls and put in a barred door.
Then you wouldn't hurt yourself.
- How sad.
- [ Sighs .]
How tragic.
And so young, too.
- So young.
- [ Dummy .]
Not so young.
Not so young.
Shall we leave him alone? Why not? We can always come back.
[ Laughing .]
Mr.
Zalto? Mr.
Zalto? Oh, dear.
I know you're there, Mr.
Zalto.
I know you're there.
You're a very nice person, Mr.
Zalto.
And so is your friend.
But I'm a very nice person too, Mr.
Zalto when you get to know me.
Flip, flip! Flip! Flip! Flip! - Phew! - I don't know how we keep that Chariot going.
Makeshift parts, diluted fuel, rerouted wiring.
And an awful lot of luck.
But cheer up, old boy the new model's on the market, and first thing in the morning, we can take the old buggy down to our friendly Chariot dealer and trade her in for a new one.
Now, is that a cash or a credit deal? Okay, so we keep the old Chariot.
- Professor-- - It's you again, huh, Smith? - Professor Robinson.
- Is there something I can do for you? I'm in desperate need of psychiatric treatment.
My mental condition is deteriorating rapidly.
Are you still seeing that alien and his little dummy? Not today, but I know they're still with me.
Personally, I don't believe you're having a breakdown.
There's a logical explanation for everything that's happening.
There sure is.
You're not going crazy, Smith.
You're already there.
For shame, Major.
Making sport of the sick and the helpless! But it only proves what I've always said: You're a cold, cruel man.
Now, now, Doctor.
Can't you see he's just joking? Smith, listen.
If you really want some help, I know something you should do.
I would accept any logical suggestion.
Great.
Here.
They say hard work is a cure for all ills, Smith.
I'm only mentally disturbed, Major, not completely balmy.
[ Laughs .]
Well, there's one area he's behaving normally.
Phew.
Yeah, he's crazy, all right.
Crazy like a fox.
Hi, Dr.
Smith.
- We're going to cheer you up.
- With clever conversation and witty sayings.
Oh, go away and leave me alone in my misery.
I guess you're right.
There's nothing we can do for him.
One moment, Will Robinson.
I have a poem which should raise Dr.
Smith's spirits.
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall "Humpty Dumpty was two inches tall.
"He fell down, and broke his shell.
Poor little egg.
I wish him well.
" I think I'm going to be violently ill.
Come on, Dr.
Smith.
Where's your sense of humor? Personally, I thought my poem very amusing.
It is an original creation.
Is it, indeed? I could have sworn it was Shakespeare! Forgive me, William.
I'm not fit company for man or beast.
That's all right, Dr.
Smith.
Everything'll be okay soon.
Oh, no, William.
This time Zachary Smith has reached the breaking point.
They're back again.
They are? Are you sure? - I don't see anything.
- Only because you're not cracking up, William.
- I don't see anything.
- Only because you're not cracking up, William.
- [ Zalto .]
Now you see us.
- [ Dummy .]
Now you don't! Are they still here? - They've gone.
- I have an opinion to express.
Spare me your opinions.
That poem was quite enough! I'm barely hinging on sanity now! This concerns the alien and the dummy.
They are not a figment of Dr.
Smith's imagination.
- They exist! - What? When we asked you before, you said that they didn't.
- What is the meaning of this? - At that time, I was not functioning properly.
I could take you to a place where a satisfactory explanation will be found.
- However, I do not advise.
- Advise, my foot, you presumptuous popinjay! Lead on! Very well, we're here.
The explanation, please.
- Patience, Dr.
Smith.
- [ Creaking .]
[ Electronic Whistle .]
A red carpet.
It just rolled out by itself.
I think we'd better return to the spaceship.
I feel perfectly splendid now! We're gonna find out what this is all about.
In this particular case, blissful ignorance is preferable.
- You want to be cured, don't you? - Yes, I do.
I do.
Very well.
Lead on, William! - [ Creaks .]
- [ Yelps .]
- [ Banging .]
- We're trapped.
- I knew this was a mistake! - Maybe you're right, Dr.
Smith.
Oh, dear.
I don't like caves.
They're dark and mysterious.
And they frighten me! Oh, good heavens.
What an enormous rock! This is a rock, isn't it? Dank and moist.
I'm afraid I shall catch a cold.
Oh, dear.
I'm frightened! I don't like this place.
I don't like it at all.
[ Whirring .]
- [ Yelps .]
- [ Dummy .]
Don't try to leave, Dr.
Smith.
We love company.
We like it so much, we may never let you go! I guess this proves you weren't imagining things, Dr.
Smith.
And for that I'm tremendously grateful, William.
But I'm afraid we've solved one problem and created another! If you wish to see my master, he's in the next room.
[ Dr.
Smith .]
Thank you for the invitation.
You're very kind.
But you see, actually, we have finished our business here so if you will be good enough to open the door? Only the Great Zalto can let you out! Well? Don't just stand there! Go on in! Well, it looks like we're off to find the Great Zalto.
- Come on, Dr.
Smith.
- [ Whimpering .]
Oh, dear! Abracadabra, alakazam ibbety-bibbety, long ago and far away spirit of the present day, Zalto summons, calls, demands! [ Cackling .]
Spirit, spirit! Obey my commands! Spirit! [ Grunts .]
Something is wrong.
The spell isn't working.
Wait a minute.
[ Laughs .]
I got it now.
[ Whistle, Descending In Pitch .]
[ Groans .]
Zalto summons, calls, commands! Spirit, spirit, you dare not disobey my commands! Master, we have visitors.
Visitors? Aha! [ Laughing .]
No wonder I failed! You're to blame.
You frightened my spirit away.
- We're terribly sorry, sir.
- Oh, indeed we are.
That's not enough.
Not nearly enough! - I shall turn you all into frogs! - Frogs? - Oh, you wouldn't do that.
- I would, I would, I would! I would! [ Laughing .]
I like frogs! Earthlings, Earthlings, go away! Give me froggy-woggle-doodle-dee frogs! Ooh.
You want to see my power, do you? [ Laughing .]
- Watch this, Maximilian.
- [ Rings Gong .]
[ Explosion .]
- [ Shrieks .]
- Well.
- He goofed it again.
- [ Growling .]
That's not what I ordered! Begone! No wonder it didn't work.
How can a genius function with all this conversation? Oh, uh, by the way.
How did you like my limited optical materialization? - Your what? - Appearing to just one person out of a group? It can be quite maddening.
Perhaps to a lesser man.
But actually, I realized all the time that it was a mere charlatan's trick.
- Dr.
Smith! - [ Chuckling .]
Well, I do agree with you that as an effect, it was nothing.
You know, once I froze a whole lake of water on the hottest day of the year.
It was terrible! We were stuck in the ice for two days! How terrible! Permit me to introduce myself.
I am Dr.
Zachary Smith and this is my young friend, Mr.
William Robinson.
I never shake.
[ Chuckles .]
There's so much power in these hands I might accidentally destroy you.
I quite understand.
My master is the Great Zalto.
Magic.
Witchcraft.
Love potions! I have conquered them all.
Professor, come with me.
I have conquered them all.
Professor, come with me.
I'm going to show you a little trick of legerdemain.
"Legerdemain"? How nice.
It's one of my great interests, you know.
It is? [ Laughing .]
Now, you see? I'm gonna turn this flask of liquid into solid gold! Now, come.
Come.
Come.
Let us go! - Are you ready? Good.
- Yes.
[ Explosion .]
- [ Yelps .]
- [ Dummy .]
He's done it again! Ohh! Just a slight error.
Slight error, Professor.
Begone! A slight error.
A very, very slight error.
I know so much magic; it's difficult to keep track of the formulas.
I see.
Perfectly understandable.
You know, Mr.
Zalto, I do admire your establishment.
It's really quite charming.
Oh, you do? Yes, I think so.
But you know, it's only temporary quarters.
I, uh, intend to leave this planet very soon.
- Where are you going? - Where am I going? Heh! To proclaim my genius throughout the galaxy! My master has been working for ten years to become the greatest magician - in the galaxy! - [ Laughs Wildly .]
[ Chokes, Coughs .]
And I have succeeded! Well, you are extremely good at blowing up things.
Uh, Mr.
Zalto, tell me what lies behind there? Ohh, what lies behind there? Well.
[ Chuckling .]
I'm glad that you asked.
That happens to be my greatest feat of magic.
- Behold.
- [ Gongs .]
- Ahh! A spaceship! - Yes.
A spaceship.
[ Laughs .]
To you it may seem so, but for me it is the instrument that will put the name of Zalto on the lips of everyone! - What are you gonna do with it, sir? - [ Laughing .]
Wouldn't you like to know? Mr.
Zalto, are you sure that thing is capable of getting off the ground? It can go anywhere.
Zoom! - Right through the opening up there.
- Could it reach Earth? - In a matter of hours.
- How interesting.
William, our business here appears to be finished.
I suggest you get back.
They will be worried about you.
- Dr.
Smith, I want to look around.
- Mr.
Zalto has to practice his magic, don't you? Run along, dear boy, and take that one with you.
Yes, sir.
Come on, Robot.
Aha! Oh! [ Chuckles .]
And now, to call my spirit.
- Long ago and far away-- - Uh, Mr.
Zalto I've been thinking.
It occurs to me that a man of your genius must really need an assistant.
I should like to offer my services in that capacity.
Please.
You don't have the character for it.
Indeed I do.
I'm highly qualified for it.
I'm intelligent, trustworthy and I have a marvelous sense of humor.
Strange.
I see none of those qualities.
[ Laughing .]
He sees none of those qua-- The Doctor is also very good at stretching the truth.
[ Laughing .]
You make the little joke? - [ Both Laughing .]
- Yes, I did! - Ouch! - Let me assure you, sir.
You couldn't hire a better man.
Let me look at you.
Let me look at you, Dr.
Smith! I shall soon know if you have the true magician's talent.
- This isn't going to hurt, is it? - Not a bit.
Not a teensy-weensy bit.
Dr.
Smith.
Dr.
Smith? Dr.
Smith? Dr.
Smith! Do you hear me? [ Softly .]
Yes, master.
I hear you.
And I will obey.
I did it! [ Laughs .]
I did it, did you hear? "I will obey!" Look! Just one short pass, out like a light! - Wonderful, master.
- It was nothing, really.
I remember the last time you tried that trick! On the great monster from the planet Turon! - I wasn't myself that day.
- He beat you so badly you had to eat nothing but soup for a week.
I've gotten much better since then.
Now that you have got him asleep, do you think you can wake him up? Of course! It's quite simple! Dr.
Smith, wake up! Wake up! Master! You should try.
Oh, well, if you insist.
Dr.
Smith? Dr.
Smith? Come back.
Come back, come back - wherever you are.
- Master! - It's not working.
- It's not working? I know it's not working, you dummy, you! Don't disturb me! You know I don't remember well when I get confused! Quiet! - Dr.
Smith? Dr.
Smith? - ## [ Xylophone .]
Dr.
Smith! Come back.
Come back.
Come back! Dr.
Smith, please come back! We've searched everywhere.
No sign of Dr.
Smith.
I should never have left him with Mr.
Zalto.
Oh, well, it's not your fault, dear.
After all you're not really to blame-- you had no choice.
I think Don and I will pay Mr.
Zalto a visit.
That will not be necessary, Professor.
Never fear-- Smith the Seer is here.
- [ Sighs .]
- Boy, am I glad to see you back.
We thought Mr.
Zalto had done something terrible to you.
I am deeply moved by your concern, my dear.
But as you can plainly see - I'm hale and hearty.
- What are you doing in that outfit? My dear madam.
This is the traditional dress of the magician's apprentice.
- [ Will .]
He gave you a job? - Certainly, my boy! Mr.
Zalto said as soon as he discovered that I could pilot a spaceship he knew that I was exactly right for the position.
- Position? - Well, just exactly what are your duties to be? The usual things: mixing magic potions and delving into the occult world.
There is also some sort of stunt that Mr.
Zalto would like me to do.
But he hasn't yet told me all the details.
Smith, you've done some pretty strange things in the past but this one really tops them all.
- Magic? - I knew there would be doubts.
So I am prepared to give a demonstration.
Oh, you're gonna do a trick for us, Dr.
Smith? "Trick" indeed.
That is hardly the right word for a feat of genius.
Now then, clear the table.
There we are.
Note that the hat is on the table.
And it's quite obviously empty.
Observe.
Ibbety-bibbety, ibbety say.
Ibbety-bibbety vanilla.
Raise the hat, William.
- But that's all wrong! - Wait a minute, Dr.
Smith.
- I could use those.
- But of course you can.
It was my intention exactly.
A preliminary trick before the main event.
William.
Place the hat upon the table.
Now, then: Ibbety-bibbety, ibbety say, ibbety-bibbety-- Pistachio! Raise the hat, William.
- [ Children .]
A rabbit! - Good heavens! I'm allergic to rabbits! [ Sneezing .]
Take it away! Take it away! Things sure are dull with Dr.
Smith gone so much.
True.
A little spice makes for an exciting life.
Where'd you hear that brilliant remark? It is another one of my creative efforts.
I have a real talent for poetry.
- Do you agree? - It's not too bad, I guess.
Ah, greetings, greetings, my dear young friend.
The back of my hand to you, you addlepated armor-bearer.
It is so nice to be loved.
I didn't expect to see you back from Mr.
Zalto's so soon.
My generous employer has given me the day off to prepare for my trip.
Trip? Are you going somewhere? By this time tomorrow, I shall be hurtling through space, a smile on my lips a song in my heart! Mr.
Zalto is sending me to a deserted asteroid.
- What for? - Some sort of publicity stunt - to advertise his return.
- [ Robot Clanks .]
My sensors tell me that Dr.
Smith means what he said but has not said what he means.
For once you have diagnosed the situation accurately.
I have told the truth but not all the truth.
I don't understand.
You will in time, my boy.
And now, I must leave.
I have an announcement of the greatest importance to make to the leaders of the expedition.
Carry on.
Perhaps you didn't understand me.
I said I was going back to Earth.
Home! Sweet, sweet home.
We understood you perfectly.
You intend stealing Mr.
Zalto's ship.
No wonder you were so eager to become his assistant, Smith.
That is the unkindest cut of all.
For the good of our entire, intrepid little band I propose to take a very perilous journey through space.
And do I get encouragement? I do not! I am called a thief.
Well, we appreciate your intentions, Dr.
Smith.
It's your methods we disagree with.
To leave this bleak and unhappy planet, I would steal 100 spaceships.
Now, listen! We all want to go home as badly as you do.
The only difference is, we won't break the law.
I refuse to discuss this matter any further.
You are entitled to your opinions; I am entitled to mine.
And now, you must excuse me, I have some packing to do.
My dear friends, we have tasted the bitter and the sweet together.
And now the time has come to say farewell.
It's not gonna be the same without you, Dr.
Smith.
Those are also my sentiments.
I shall miss you, dear William.
I shall also miss you, you bubbleheaded booby.
[ Sobbing Mechanically .]
Oh, Dr.
Smith.
Don't go.
Stay with us.
- We need you.
- There, there.
Pull yourself together.
We must be brave.
Forgive me for this emotional display, Dr.
Smith.
Good-- Good-bye my friend.
[ Mechanical Sobbing Continues .]
- Here.
Blow your bubble.
- [ Blowing "Nose" .]
You really like the Robot, don't you, Dr.
Smith? How can one have affection for an insensitive machine, William? [ Blowing Loudly .]
That silly, stupid, lovable old ninny! [ Blowing Continues .]
Dr.
Smith, if I weren't so grown up, I think I might cry.
So would I.
But we're both too adult for that sort of thing.
[ Sobs .]
Aren't we? Good-bye, Dr.
Smith.
Farewell.
Adieu, sweet prince.
Adieu.
[ Sobbing .]
Farewell.
- Mom, has Dr.
Smith left yet? - No, dear.
He's outside saying good-bye to Will and the Robot.
He forgot his journal, with his scientific research on space flora and fauna.
Oh, well you'd better hurry and give it to him.
I'm sure that all the world is waiting breathlessly.
[ Chuckles .]
- We're sure gonna miss him.
- Affirmative.
- Affirmative.
- Will, has Dr.
Smith left yet? - He's gone, Penny.
- But not forgotten.
He forgot his journal, with all his scientific data in it.
Well, let me take it to him.
Then I can watch him take off! - [ Sighs .]
Well, I don't know.
- It's all right, Penny.
- Okay.
- We can say good-bye all over again.
I can't understand that Dr.
Smith.
He should have been here by now! - And he had such an honest face! - [ Dummy .]
That's a matter of opinion! - "Matter of opinion"? - Never judge a book by its cover! "Never judge a book by its cover"? Especially if it's an old edition.
- But the older it is, the better it is.
- Only if it's a book.
But look, he said he was honest, trustworthy, and had a sense of humor.
But look, he said he was honest, trustworthy, and had a sense of humor.
Yeah.
A practical joker.
"Practical joker"? Well, he better not be joking this time or else.
- Or else what? - Well, it's a matter of opinion.
Oh, I don't know how we got into this here.
We shouldn't have been here in the first place.
I just can't understand it! Now, we made a right turn at Jupiter.
Now, If we had gone on a left, Neptune had three rings.
We followed the map, going around toward the left.
If-- Oh, all these problems! Dr.
Smith! He should have been here by now! [ Dr.
Smith .]
Mr.
Zalto! Ah, Mr.
Zalto.
Oh, Dr.
Smith! You're late! I was beginning to think you changed your mind! By no means, my dear sir.
I have been waiting for this opportunity to take this trip - for a very long time.
- Good.
Good.
- I see you brought luggage.
- Just a few simple necessities.
Well, I'm all ready to go.
- Good! Do you remember your instructions? - Perfectly.
I am to get within 500 miles of the asteroid and then I am to launch the rockets in the nose cone of the spaceship.
Right.
And they'll strike the deserted asteroid explode, and spell out my name in flaming letters! Exactly so.
And then I am to adjust my controls and return.
Yes, yes.
Well, it's getting late.
I think you should board the spaceship.
My dear Mr.
Zalto, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this opportunity.
It's my pleasure.
Enjoy.
Enjoy! I intend to.
You're very kind.
Well, good-bye.
Bon voyage.
- Uh, Mr.
Zalto? - Yes, Dr.
Smith? - My suitcase.
- Oh! Your suitcase.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Bon voyage! - Oh, oh-- Dr.
Smith! - Yes? Yes, Mr.
Zalto? - Yes? - Your safety helmet.
My safety helmet? I'm absolutely sure.
Thank you.
- Bon voyage.
- Good-bye.
Careful.
[ Chuckles .]
It's very small.
Happy flight pattern! [ Laughing Hysterically .]
- Where's Dr.
Smith? - He's in the spaceship.
- I've got to give him his notebook! - You can't go in there! - It's too late! - Yeah, but this is important.
- I've got to give it to him.
Please! - Very we-- Very well.
If you must, you must.
Go right ahead, my son.
Be my guest.
Thank you.
Dr.
Smith? I've got to give you this notebook.
[ Laughing Hysterically .]
Open the door! Will Robinson is still inside.
Oh, please.
It can't fly with the door open.
That does not compute.
Open the door! [ Zalto .]
Will ya be quiet? [ Laughing Shrilly .]
I did it! I did it! Never judge a book by its cover? Phooey! [ Laughing .]
I'm the greatest magician in the whole galaxy! In flaming letters! [ Laughing .]
[ Laughing .]
Splendid, splendid! In a few hours, the whole galaxy shall witness your triumph, master.
We shall stay awake to be sure we do not miss the spectacle! - [ Giggling .]
- The Earth man was of little value.
But it is unfortunate the boy will be destroyed also.
A pity.
A pity, but he had no right to go aboard the spaceship.
- You are right, master.
- Yeah, I'm right! [ Laughing .]
[ Continues Laughing .]
We've gotta find some way to turn back.
Our course is set, William.
There can be no return.
What about Mom and Dad? They'll be worried.
They won't know what happened to me.
- The Robot will inform them.
- Dr.
Smith, I don't want to go to Earth! William, my dear boy, fate has decreed that we should make this journey together.
Now, cheer up! In a very short time we shall be home again.
Without the rest of the family, who cares? I can assure you; they will soon be joining us.
- They will? - Of course.
Once we reach Earth, we will report to the space exploration authorities the exact location of the planet where your family is marooned; a rescue mission will be sent and in no time at all, we will all be united again! - [ Rocket Fires .]
- [ Screams .]
It sure is beautiful out there, isn't it? Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
For my part, if I never see another star or planet again as long as I live it will be much too soon.
Now, you know how Will is.
How he has to examine everything new he sees? - [ Sighs .]
- He ran into an unusual rock formation.
No, something's happened to him.
I-I just feel it.
Mother, I-- I'm sure he's all right.
I'm ready when you are.
- Don't worry.
We're gonna find him.
- [ Robot .]
Alert! Alert! - The Robot's back.
- And Will's not with him.
- Danger! Danger! - What happened? A terrible thing has occurred.
Will Robinson has been trapped in the spaceship with Dr.
Smith.
- Oh, no! How did that happen? - The magician is responsible.
He deliberately closed the door.
Before I could stop him, he activated the ship - and launched it into space.
- [ Gasps .]
I have failed in my duty to protect my friends.
- What are we gonna do? - Mr.
Zalto's gonna perform a feat of magic.
He's gonna bring back Will and Dr.
Smith.
- Judy, you stay here and get that force field going.
- All right.
Well! I think it's time for a small libation to celebrate the occasion.
- William, hold this, will you? - [ Rocket Fires .]
Thank you.
[ Sighs .]
- [ Pops .]
- Ah! There.
There is nothing like champagne to make an occasion more festive.
- Where'd you get it? - Provided with the compliments of Mr.
Zalto.
- He produced it by magic.
- Like your rabbit trick, huh? The same principle is involved.
Pity I had to leave before I found out how it works.
Howsoever, my dear young friend I propose a toast to the new and happy life we shall find on Earth.
Mm.
Mr.
Zalto's champagne is on a par with his magic.
Howsoever.
- [ Glass Clattering .]
- [ Sneezing .]
Champagne always does that to me.
- I thought only rabbits did that to you.
- Rabbits.
And champagne.
And sassafras.
And ragweed.
And space travel-- [ Sneezes .]
[ Chuckling .]
Mr.
Zalto! This is John Robinson! - Open that door! - [ Rumbling, Creaking .]
Mr.
Zalto! How dare you! Can't you see I'm asleep? - [ John .]
We've got to talk to you.
- Go away! - You'll wake me! - Now, this isn't a social call.
You come down from there, or I'll-- Oh, very well.
If you insist.
[ Yawning .]
I just can't seem to get a good night's rest.
You deliberately trapped my son on your spaceship.
- I want you to bring him back! - I regret the incident but I cannot recall the mission! Its success is too important to me! My son is the only thing that's important to me.
Smith never had any intention of going near an asteroid.
He wanted your spaceship! Look, he's heading straight for Earth.
You must make him return.
I've been tricked.
Tricked by that cunning Dr.
Smith.
Ha! He said he was simple, handsome, honest-- Ha, ha! Well, he lied.
He lied to me! I have computed your motives, Mr.
Zalto.
They also were not honest.
- What do you mean? - Had Dr.
Smith followed Mr.
Zalto's orders he would have been destroyed.
I thought this was some kind of an advertising stunt.
A most deadly one.
Dr.
Smith was supposed to fire two harmless rockets into the asteroid.
In reality, they are missiles, loaded with high explosives.
Not only would the asteroid have been blown up but the spaceship as well.
My greatest feat of magic, ruined by a worthless assistant! I'm not gonna argue with you.
I want you to bring my son back and bring him now! - There's nothing I can do.
- He is once again being dishonest.
There is a method of communications.
A radio.
- You blabbermouth! - You've got ten seconds - to get that set operational.
- Ten seconds? - Now you've got eight.
- Eight seconds.
Hmm.
I hope the tubes are in good shape.
Seven, six, five, four, heh, three two one.
The wavelength has been established.
I don't know if I can make contact with the spaceship.
- You mean, nothing can be done? - Wait a minute.
I-- There is something that can be done! But I just can't think of it at the moment! Get out of there, Zalto.
I'm taking over.
I want you off this planet by dawn.
Hello.
This is John Robinson calling Dr.
Smith! - A whole lifetime of work and practice! [ Crying .]
- [ John Continues Calling .]
- Foiled by a charlatan! - Do you read me? Come in, Dr.
Smith! - John Robinson-- - Oh, wrong again! - [ Sobbing .]
- John, keep trying.
We've got to contact them! This is John Robinson calling Dr.
Smith! Come in, Dr.
Smith! If I'd listened to that gypsy fortune teller I never would have taken this trip! - Oh, well.
Now it's back to space sideshows.
- [ John Continues .]
Planet circuses.
[ Weeping .]
And asteroid county fairs! [ Knocking .]
What is it? It is time you performed your great disappearing act.
You know that never worked very well.
- Try, master! - Try.
All right, you convinced me.
I will.
- Good luck! - Thanks.
I did it! I-I did it.
[ Laughing .]
Look at it, William.
Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? Earth, oh, Earth, how lovely is thy name! What's the matter, my boy? I can't help thinking about Mom and Dad and the rest of the family.
But I can assure you that they will soon be with us.
- Now, you must dismiss the thought from your mind.
- I know, but I just can't.
- Now, you must dismiss the thought from your mind.
- I know, but I just can't.
Really, William.
The happiest day of your life, and you spoil it by thinking about the past.
Don't you realize that every second, we come closer and closer to home? Home.
We must surely be close enough now for radio communication? - Try and make contact.
- [ Softly .]
Yes, sir.
This is Will Robinson, calling Alpha Control.
Come in, Alpha Control.
This is Will Robinson calling Alpha Control.
Come in if you hear me.
Oh, give it here! Alpha Control, will you come in, please? [ Man .]
Attention: This is United Defense Command Headquarters calling alien spacecraft.
- You will identify yourself, please.
- Yes, certainly, sir.
Just a moment while I get my wallet.
What? Wallet? Oh, good heavens! I have no wallet! I am Doctor-- Doctor-- I'm Dr.
Somebody, I know I am! William, what am I? - What? What? Doctor? - Dr.
Zachary Smith.
I'm Dr.
Zachary Smith.
I am a member of the Robinson space exploration party - which has been lost for four years! - Two years.
Uh, two years.
Two dreadful, horrible years.
You would not believe the frightful experiences that we have undergone.
The sordid experiences on these dreadful planets! [ Gasps, Stops .]
Hello? Hello, are you there? - Maybe they didn't hear you! - Well, of course they did! This is Dr.
Zachary Smith speaking.
We have been lost in space! [ Man .]
Attention.
Alien spacecraft, attention.
Identify yourself, or we will be forced to take action.
What? We're not enemy aliens! There's no danger! We are Earth people! Two simple, lovable, charming Earth people! Take a look for yourself.
Look.
There and there.
- Hello? Are you there? - It's no use, Dr.
Smith.
- We're not getting through to them.
- Oh, dear.
So close, and yet so far.
[ Man .]
This is a final warning.
Identify yourself, or we will be forced to attack.
- What are we gonna do, Dr.
Smith? - I have it! We'll fire Mr.
Zalto's rockets.
That should prove that we're friendly.
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
- He assured me they were harmless.
- But Dr.
Smith-- Never fear, Smith is here.
It cannot fail to work.
- Now, here's the trigger.
- [ Clanging, Whooshing .]
William.
Take hold of the trigger and fire one.
- Ready to fire one.
- Oh, fire one! - Firing one.
- [ Whooshing Sound .]
Splendid.
Very well done.
Now fire two.
- Ready to fire two.
- Spare me the rigamarole, and fire two! - Firing two.
- [ Whooshing .]
That should convince them that we're friends.
- I sure hope so.
- We should be hearing from the Defense Command at any moment.
[ Man .]
Attention all units.
Alien spacecraft of a hostile nature.
Report of two neutronic missiles exploding in the Pacific Ocean.
It can't be! It's a mistake! [ Man .]
All units shall begin repelling attack immediately and continue firing until enemy has been destroyed.
We've got to alter our course.
Those Earth missiles could blow us to little pieces! How can they do that to me? How could you do this? How? [ Rocket Roaring .]
- [ Explosion .]
- Dr.
Smith! We've got to get out of here! I've got to find some way to get the ship turned around! - No! No, not while we're this close! - [ Explosion .]
Oh, listen to me! We are not enemy aliens! We are people just like you! I swear it! I think I know how I can get us back! [ Straining .]
- [ Explosion .]
- Good-bye, world! The pain of it all! [ Yelping .]
[ Yelping .]
I'd like to break Zalto's neck.
Well, if it'd change anything, I'd help you.
Will and Dr.
Smith are probably on Earth by now.
Dear, I do hope it isn't too cold.
You know, he wasn't very warmly dressed.
[ Robot .]
My sensors detect an approaching alien aircraft.
[ Explosion .]
[ Maureen .]
Oh, Will! - Are you all right, Son? - Oh, a little bit sleepy.
- But the rest of me is fine.
- Oh, dear, we thought you'd landed on Earth.
- We almost did.
- [ Don .]
Well, what went wrong? Well, Dr.
Smith can tell you all about that.
Right now, we have to get him back to the spaceship, so he can go to bed.
[ Chuckles .]
Come on.
Oh! Oh, dear.
I still feel a little faint.
I am very glad you have returned, Dr.
Smith.
Thank you, sir.
I can't tell you how delighted I am to have returned to Earth.
[ Sighs Deeply .]
The sweet smell of one's native soil.
- What's the matter with him? - My computers tell me that Dr.
Smith has undergone a very traumatic experience.
His condition is not serious, and recovery is only a matter of hours.
- Come along, Dr.
Smith.
- Certainly, sir.
You have no idea how good it feels to be home again.
I must tell you of my experiences in space-- truly remarkable! I know you will find them hard to believe.
- Dr.
Smith? - Yes? - There is something in your hat.
- Oh? [ Screams, Sneezes .]
Aah! Take it away! Take it away! Aah! [ Sneezing .]
- Astrogator control.
- Go.
- Fuel injection system.
- [ Sighs .]
Go.
- Computer system.
- Go.
Maureen? Check the harness safety.
[ Maureen .]
All strapped in.
Harness safety, go.
All right.
Stand by for power check.
- Ignition.
- Go.
[ Engine Whirring .]
[ Engine Whirring .]
- Power off! - [ Grunts .]
[ Sighs .]
Not a no-go in the lot.
- Did you check those launch figures? - And double-checked them.
Right down to the last decimal point.
To hit the escape corridor and lock on our flight path to Alpha Centauri, we leave at 0800 hours not a minute earlier, not a minute later.
Well, then, 0800 it is.
Maureen? As soon as Dr.
Smith and Will get back - we'll have a final briefing.
- All right, John.
Not a nugget among them.
Here, William, take them all.
You seem to be very happy with your work.
Well, it's the last chance I'll get to be active before we reach Alpha Centauri.
If we ever get there, which I very much doubt and I certainly do not desire.
- I've got a cure for doubt, Dr.
Smith.
- Have you, indeed? I, too, have a cure, which I shall now quote.
"When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, yell and shout.
" Well, mine's better than that.
Take this, and get some ore samples from that rock formation over there.
Then we can make some geological assays together during our flight.
Splendid.
I can hardly wait.
And I will accompany you, Dr.
Smith.
Oh, thank you.
You're so good to me.
Come along, you clod! Pressure, pressure.
Rocks, indeed! They are of no particular interest to me! The things I endure for young William.
Well, my robust rock hound - where do you suggest that I begin? - Right here, Dr.
Smith.
My sensors indicate that if we expose this outcrop, we may uncover a fossil-bearing stratum of great geological interest.
Let me assure you at once that it cannot be of possible interest to me.
Also, I must warn you that you are in a gaseous area.
[ Explosion .]