Mad About You s02e21 Episode Script

This is new.
- Hey! - What happened? I don't think the red sweater is right.
For school tomorrow.
It's my first day, I want to look right.
Jeans and that sweater won't cut it.
Okay, here's how happy I was a minute ago.
Here's how happy I am now.
You see the difference? - It's okay.
- What is okay? If you don't want me to go back to school, I won't.
- I missed something here.
- You're right, I've been to school.
What am I, like that guy who's seen Miss Saigon 116 times? Like it's going to have a different ending? - What was I thinking? You're right.
- What red sweater? You see? - What? I don't want you to go to school? - You've had me to yourself all this time maybe you don't want to share me with the world.
- That's so not true! - You want to share me with the world? What did I say about these trick questions? - I'm serious.
- I mean, I don't understand.
You mailed the check, the course cards, you're all signed up and paid for.
It's what you want to do, therefore, it's what I want you to do.
- Why did you forget my red sweater? - I did? - You said you'd stop at the cleaners.
- I must have forgot.
- Yes, but why? - Why? Because I must have forgot.
Because maybe you don't really want me to do this.
You don't need me for this conversation.
- Oh, God.
- What? - Who am I going to eat lunch with? - What? What if I'm there with my tray full of fish sticks and everybody has somebody to sit with except me and there's not a friendly face in the cafeteria? Who will I eat with? - Bob Howard.
- I beg your pardon? Bob Howard.
In every school or camp I've been to, there's a Bob Howard.
They're everywhere, and really, they're friendly.
- I don't want to go to school.
- You do want to go, you're going to go so cut out the shenanigans, young lady, and good night.
- I'm going back to school to meet men.
- I understand.
Good night.
Honey, you're slobbering.
- Sweetie, I don't want to.
- Good morning! - Time for you to get up and go to school.
- My throat hurts, and I'm too old.
- Come look at the coffeepot.
- I've seen it.
You haven't seen one like this.
- What is it doing? - Come here.
Hurry, hurry.
Honey, what is it? I really, really, really have to pee.
Surprise! Oh, my God.
This is so sweet.
Who thought of this? - I did.
- Oh, stop it! - To my wife's new adventure.
- Thank you.
And to get you started Look, it's a pencil case! Erasers, reinforcements.
- I love those.
- Lisa.
- What? - Don't ask.
- I used to put these on my nipples.
- I warned you.
- Just give me the other thing, please.
- My red sweater! - Okay now? Still have to pee? - I do.
Go pee.
You see? There was a little fire, who puts it out? I put it right out.
- You really are on the side of good.
- I've told you that.
- Honey, I forgot my sweater! - I got it.
Can I have that? - What for? - It's my little secret.
What's this? "Oops.
Forget something? These items were found in your pocket.
Jabar.
" - Who's Jabar? - Jabar, The Cleaning Genie.
It's where we go.
My mother's birthday card.
I forgot to mail it.
Nice knowing you.
- Oh, God! - What? Oh, God! "Department of Continuing Education.
Tuition and Course Selection.
" You didn't mail her registration? She's supposed to start school today! - How could you do that? - I didn't do it on purpose.
I think my shrink would beg to differ.
- What do I do here? - About what? Get out of here.
It's another surprise.
- Really? - Yeah, go, please.
Yes, really.
Okay.
All right.
I can fix this.
I can fix this.
First of all, we'll tell her and she'll understand.
Second of all, don't tell her.
All right? Just a sec! Here's what I can fix this.
Just go get her dressed.
But take your time! Wait! Surprise.
You said there was another surprise.
Go.
Yeah.
- Wow.
Could I have my sweater? - Show us your outfit! - Oh, man, how stupid am I? - What's the limit? Just tell her.
I can't.
She already thinks I don't want her to go.
- Why don't you want her to go? - I do want her to go.
- You think I don't want her to go too? - She knows you better than I do.
The two of you Hey! How are you? Question for you, hypothetical situation: I was supposed to start school today but my husband forgot to register.
Oh, good! Thank you very much.
All we gotta do, I bring a check, I can still get her registered.
- Here we come! - We gotta get to school before her to sign her up, so stall her.
- How are we going to stall her? - Trip her! - Tell her you've got a problem.
- I don't have any problems.
I'm looking at you, I see five problems.
- We'll handle it.
- Please.
I'm saying to her - Where's Paul? - He and Ira had to go.
- Where? - The poultry mart.
- The poultry mart? - They're having a sale.
- I have to go.
I'm gonna be late.
- Let me get you your elevator.
What? The elevator's broken? You're kidding! We're going to have to walk down When do you think the elevator will be fixed? - The elevator's broken? - Yes! The elevator's broken! It won't be fixed for 10 minutes! Well, I suppose I can wait.
- The elevator's! The elevator's broken.
- We heard.
- Where you going? - I'll take the stairs.
- They just waxed them.
- They're carpeted.
- I can't believe that guy lied to me! - Jamie, Jamie! - What? - I have a problem.
- Can we talk tonight? - What if I solve it by then? Fine.
We'll talk about it on the subway.
- It's your first day.
Let me drive you.
- The subway's faster.
- Not if there is a derailment.
- Fine.
Let's go.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Check if the elevator's fixed.
- Is it? - No! - Are you sure about that sweater? - Why? You better look in the mirror.
What? You guys haven't fixed the elevator yet? Lisa.
What's yours? Hey, Tom.
Yes, I do like Thai food.
Tonight? That's a little short notice.
- I have attitude? You have attitude! - Is the elevator fixed? Yes.
- All right.
Here we go.
- Piece of cake.
No cake.
What have we got? "Non-prepaid payment for course submissions.
" - "Prepaid receipt pickup.
" - "Non-prepaid course card submissions.
" "Non-prepaid paid schedules.
" "Prepaid pre-course nonsubmitted schedules for all payment.
" If this was a cartoon I'd pull your tongue like a window shade.
She didn't pay, so she's nonpaid.
She didn't submit, so she's nonsubmitted.
- The nonpaid, nonsubmitted? - Right.
So where do we go? She didn't pay, we know that.
- What are you? The pope? - It's backed up for blocks.
- I'm just gonna take the subway.
- I won't let my best friend go to her first day of school on public transportation.
Why are we going through the garment district at rush hour? Hey, look! Maybe we should take our coats out for a walk.
Get it? Maybe we could get together and study sometime, huh? - I don't think that's a good idea.
- Trust me, it's a marvelous thought.
I don't date professors.
No, no, no.
I'm not a professor.
He is.
- I'm a professor and you're a student? - That's right.
You got three hairs on your head.
- Next.
- Hi.
The name is Jamie Buchman.
There's your form, course card, and here is the check.
- That is everything.
- Thank you.
- So we're all paid? - All paid.
Thank you.
Wait, Jamie.
Take your course cards.
- We were all paid.
Don't you keep these? - These are prepaid course cards.
You didn't prepay.
You have to trade these for the now-paid course cards then come back to the paid submission for scheduling.
- Do me a favor, talk to me like I'm 4.
- Go over there.
- Thank you.
- Next.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys! - What? This is ridiculous.
We were closer I just think the East Side is more scenic.
- Wanna see Woody Allen's house? - I wanna get to school.
- I heard he takes out his own garbage.
- Listen, guys - What? - Nothing, I just - What? - Is it hot in here? Roll down your window.
You too.
- You gonna barf? - I hope not.
- I should pull over.
- Good idea.
These aren't my shoes.
- I just need some air.
- Let her out! Let her out! - Where's she going? - She's headed for the subway! She's making a break for it! - Next.
- Yes, thank you.
The name is Jamie Buchman.
- I've got to trade in my course cards.
- Did you prepay? - Yes.
- No, I didn't.
- But you just paid.
- That's not prepaid.
- What does "pre" mean? - Before.
- Did you pay before? - No, I paid over there.
- When? - Before.
I rest my case.
Let me start again.
My name is Jamie Buchman.
I need four cards.
One for ethics, psychology, logic and intermediate French.
Well, that will prepare you for the world.
- Is that it? Am I all set? - Were they signed by the departments? - Were they? - No.
I gotta get these signed by each department? - Is there an easier way? - Yes.
Prepay.
- Prepay, she says.
- Come on.
So where do we go? - What are you? Where's Jamie? - I don't know.
She got away.
We've got to get these signed before she gets here.
- Where do we go? - I'm gonna see if there's a map.
We'll meet you outside.
Here we go.
- Are you using your hat? - What's up, man.
Are you using the hat right now? - You into them? - Who? - What do you think? - I'm very into them.
- Did you happen to catch the last show? - Wasn't it sold out? I couldn't, I didn't.
No.
Sorry, man.
- Let me buy it off you.
- I'd get killed, it's my roommate's.
- I'll give you $20.
- Cool.
Is this where I get my card signed for French? Great.
Jamie Buchman.
I'm not actually Yeah, yes.
Bonjour.
Intermediate French.
That right there.
See, I don't know what you're saying.
I am a little scholar? Yes.
I am a little scholar.
I try.
I'm asking, what is your education? I took French in high school but I switched to Spanish.
Yeah.
I need to get this signed for the logic seminar.
- I'm sorry.
Logic's closed.
- Well, open it.
- I'm afraid I can't do that.
- Why not? The class is limited to 20 students.
- So? - So it's full.
But I love logic! This is really very simple.
You see, there's 20 chairs and there's 20 students.
So how many people can fit in the class? How should I know? You're the teacher.
Let's try again.
Can you tell me why you're interested in studying psychology? I'm not Jamie.
I'm just doing this for a friend.
I'm sorry.
The requirement is, each student present herself for submission.
- I am.
- You said it was for a friend.
- No, I didn't.
- You clearly said Well, I'm my friend.
I'm my best friend.
- You said your name wasn't Jamie.
- Well, sometimes it is.
Sometimes not.
- Do you mean that literally? - What do you mean? Are you saying you see yourself as two separate individuals? Yeah, sure, that's it.
Can you sign the card now? Does this other individual have another name? - Okay.
- Which is? - Fran.
- May I speak to Fran? Oh, for God's sake.
Fine.
Hi! Hello, Fran.
- Sorry, the class is filled.
- That's cool, I understand.
After your first lecture, a couple of kids will drop out.
It's no reflection, it just happens.
- Try again next semester.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, boss.
- What's it worth to you? - Excuse me? Come on.
I know how much you professors pull in.
Name your price.
It's gotta come in handy.
How much can you make teaching? What do you teach? Ethics.
Could you just sign le card? Whatever.
Just sign it.
I'm begging you.
Begging you! - I'm begging you.
- Begging you! - Beg you.
You.
You.
You.
- Beg you.
- Begging you! - There you go! Was that so hard? Hi, look! I got it all signed.
That's it.
I take it in, and I'm all set? You have your ID, right? What did you say? Once I take your picture, you can get your permanent ID at the end of the day.
Can we skip the actual picture part? No picture, no ID.
No ID, you're incomplete.
Fine, take it.
- Name? - Buchman.
Jamie Buchman.
Okay, Jamie.
Big smile! Each of these Tic Tacs represents one student.
Right.
And there's 20 Tic Tacs in the class.
Right.
Here is the end of the desk.
Beyond that, just empty space.
Right.
So where would another Tic Tac go? There.
- I was right? - Yes.
Jamie Buchman.
- Weren't you just here? - I don't think so.
- Thank you.
- Jamie.
Would you like me to sign one for Fran too? Let me ask her.
No! Jamie Buchman.
I think I know my own name! Thank you.
What? What?! Come on.
- Good luck.
- Yes.
- She's still here.
We got a shot.
- Come on.
Over here.
Come on, come on, come on, come on! You know what? We are not gonna make it.
Excuse me.
Cards, please.
You're in the wrong line.
You belong right over there.
Thank you very much.
Cards, please.
You're missing a signature.
You're over here.
There you go.
You.
Come on.
You're in.
Come on.
You are so low.
No, that's a good thing.
How are you? Here we go.
- Jamie Buchman.
- Jamie Buchman.
- J-A-M-l-E.
- B-U-C-H - M-A-N.
- Want me to help you type that? - I already registered by mail.
- Here we go.
Here we go.
I sent it in weeks ago.
That's it? I'm all in? - Here it is.
- That was easy.
- You want a lift downtown? - No, I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
- Thank you, guys.
I won't forget this.
- And I won't let you.
I can't believe I have class tomorrow.
Fish sticks and Sprite.
- Okay.
Let me explain - That is so sweet! - What? - I can't believe you did this.
- What? - You remembered what I said about the cafeteria and having nobody to sit with.
You are the sweetest man in the whole world.
How many husbands would do what you did? Hardly any.
- How was your first day at school? - It was great.
- You got it all set up? - You want to see my ID? Let me see.
Wow, you look beautiful.
That's funny.
I thought I looked a little bit like you.
They say a lot of times married people will start to look like each other.
Or sometimes their husband's cousins, very often.
Or their sisters.
I've heard they look Or Fran.