New Girl s02e21 Episode Script

Watching TV-- cool.
Cool.
Where do you think you're going? That charger belongs to all of us.
- Nowhere.
- Oh, really? Because it looks like you're going to your room to charge when it's not your turn.
You know the rules, dumb-dumb.
Charger stays in a neutral room.
Why do we only have one charger anyway? It was supposed to bring us closer together.
Hey, look, another charger.
- Take him! - Get him! - Get down! You guys get him started, I'll finish him off.
- Just so many dude butts.
- Watch my face, man.
That's my face.
Watch my face.
Hey, that's the moneymaker.
No, I'm gonna stop him, I'm gonna stop - Get No! - You are terrible at this.
Oh, you can't outrun the Jewish.
That was stupid.
They are such idiots.
I don't know why I do this.
The charger doesn't even fit on my phone.
I have, like, six chargers in my room.
I just do this for fun.
It's funny.
Well, here we are by ourselves.
What should we do? - Uh, definitely not make out.
- Definitely not.
Your hand's on my boob.
Yeah.
And it's weird.
Maybe it's less weird because I know that it's weird-- I'm calling it out.
Doesn't make it less weird.
- Right on.
- So you're an upper-boob guy.
That's the most underrated part of the boob.
It's what I've always said.
Can I ask you a question? - Please.
- What's going on here? - Yeah.
- What are we? - We, us? - What are we doing? Yeah.
We are roommates, who have made out a couple of times, and are attracted to each other.
- Mm-hmm.
- And really good friends.
- Yeah.
And sometimes genuinely kind of hate each other.
And sometimes touch each other's boobs.
- Little bit better - Not helping.
- Little bit worse? - Yeah.
Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's Jess.
New Girl S02E21 First Date Would you describe this as a sexual act? I would describe that as the pledge of allegiance, which can be sexual.
Why? Because this is what I got from Nick.
Just out of the blue.
No reason.
Our relationship's so confusing.
But this is Nick we're talking about.
He's never gonna tell me how he feels.
It's always gonna be weird.
And I have to stop expecting for it to change.
What? You realize your hand is still on your boob, right? I can't explain it, it's it's, like, really calming me down.
I mean, the sexual tension has been off the charts.
It's like the wild west.
No laws.
Whiskey for a nickel.
Whores caked in mud.
I don't know what to do.
You're always there when I need you, Tran.
Thank you.
I'm glad you got no life.
I'm joking.
Would you settle down? My father just died.
I don't know, life's short, huh? It just kind of I got to start doing things, Tran.
Making moves, grown-up moves.
I don't know, I want things.
I want to, like, mow a lawn, you know, my lawn, in dark socks.
What's my move with Jess? What would you do? Of course you would, you dirty dog.
Well, in reality, Tran, what would do if you were me? A date? What if that's not what she wants? What if she oh! What if she? All right, you're right-- no second-guessing.
I got to be confident, I've got to be clear.
Women like that.
All right, I just got to say Jessica, you are a beautiful woman, and my life has not been the same since I met you.
And it would mean the world to me if you would, uh go on a date with me.
Hey, Nick.
Jess ica.
Dirty J, Dr.
day, my toilet sister.
If so, food.
You want to get food later? I'm gonna get dressed now.
Okay, bye.
- Did you put the charger the bathroom? - The most neutral room in the loft.
- Yeah, well, I moved it to the kitchen.
- The kitchen? - Hey, guys.
- Nick, what's more neutral? The awesome bathroom or the stupid, stupid kitchen? I have a lot of thoughts on this, but first, Schmidt, I have a favor.
- It's about my clothes.
- Burn them, burn them all.
No, no, no, no, no, I have a date tonight, and, you know, there's a lot of women who sleep with you, and I can't figure out why, so maybe it's about clothes, and maybe Are you asking me if I'll help you pick out clothing so you can seduce a woman? - I was.
I don't know.
It's only all I've been wanting for the past ten years, Nick.
Yes, that is how you wrap a son of a bitch in wool.
Now, if somebody asks you who you're wearing tonight, what do you say? Do it, bro.
- I don't want to do that.
- I don't want to do that.
- Do it.
- I'm wearing Schmidt.
Yeah.
- Yeah, you are.
And neckscape by Winston.
Oh whoa, who is that handsome devil? Okay, now, here's some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date, okay? - Definitely, yeah.
That you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke and you have a problem with anger.
Your car is horrible.
So go ahead and take my new Foscapay.
What's a Foscapay? Uh, Ford Escape.
I'm still work-shopping nicknames.
- By the way, who's the girl? - Who's the girl? - Who's the girl? Yeah.
- Uh, what's her name? It's, uh, yeah, it's, uh Her name is, uh, obviously Yolanda.
Uh her last name is Winston.
- I should go.
- Oh, I love latino girls.
Yolanda Winston.
Schmidt, that's a fake name.
Yeah, but why would he lie about Oh, my God.
- Nick is a male escort.
- Jess - Probably not a Yeah.
- Jess, man.
Do you realize what it means if Jess and Nick become a couple? Nick is our glue, man.
You know, without him, it just doesn't work-- it never has.
See what I mean? He's awesome, man.
This is my, one of my best friends, too.
I'm gonna use the bathroom.
Nick Nick All of our stories start and end with Nick.
What if Nick decides he's gonna leave us? Well, you know what we have to do, right? We're gonna track Jess down and kill her with this knife.
- We have to sabotage the date.
Or we do your thing.
Let's do your thing.
- Hey, Jess.
- Hey.
What are you doing over there by the hot dogs? You gave me the address, I just assumed we were eating at the hot dog stand.
- No - Why are you wearing a suit? Did you just apply for a loan or something? No, I'm, uh I'm wearing Schmidt.
You're wear you're wearing what? I'm wearing Schmidt, uh Winston shaved my face.
Weird.
Well, come on, let's get some dinner.
- Come on, I got a reservation.
- Come on.
What? Hi, there, sir.
Afraid, uh, you apparently didn't see the crosswalk was over there.
Oh, let's not sweat the small stuff, officer.
I'm walking across the street.
- Afraid I'm gonna have to write you up for jaywalking.
- Stay calm, make tiny fists with your toes.
- I'm really sorry about this.
- Jess, I'm not upset.
This man is merely doing his job.
You were right, I was wrong.
Here you go, sir.
Thank you, officer.
$340?! Yeah, I know it's a lot.
They raised it last year, I think.
Have a good night, ma'am.
- All right, just scram.
- You too, sir.
Dinner? - Okay.
- Okay.
- After you.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Very lovely.
What an establishment.
It's my favorite in the city.
Right on time.
Oh Keep it coming.
Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question? What's on your mind? Well, I'm just asking if this is a date.
- What do you mean, "is this a date?" - I'm just I'm asking you if this is a date.
It seems like a date.
You've been thinking it's a date this whole time? - I'm just asking you.
- How embarrassing for you.
No, for me, it's just hanging out in a suit, getting champagne with my friend.
I think we're ready to order.
I have an idea-- I'm gonna have the bartender send over two tropical cocktails.
Jess will be all, "Why, thank you.
" Nick will be all, "Grandpa didn't get a face full of Japanese bullets just so you could drink a melted popsicle.
" Or we could break into a zoo, steal a bear, then we shoot that bear full of Hep C, and then we release that bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert.
- Winston, you're terrible at pranks.
- I get that.
You don't think just a bear alone in a restaurant is enough? - You know who would know what to do? - I do know who would know what to do.
- Nick.
- Nick.
We can't call him, right? Ooh.
They have, uh, Brussels sprouts with pancetta.
That's a fancy name for bacon.
Hold the Brussels sprouts.
Am I right? Everybody loves bacon, Jess-- New topic.
You know, um - If this were a date - Yeah, but it wasn't, Jess - But, I mean, if it were - It wasn't a And it's probably good because your ex-boyfriend just walked into the restaurant.
- Who? - The only man we both loved.
Russell.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi, so this is why you dumped me, huh? - Oh, well - No Just kidding.
I'm glad to see this is finally happening.
- Nothing's happening, so - Nothing's happening because I was never told it was happening, so if a happening happens and you don't know that it happened, did it happen, you know? Right on.
Um, hey, enjoy my lucky table.
I'm Brandy.
Okay.
You know what? Can we just forget about this date, or not-date, and Maybe start over and go get a drink at the bar as friends? Drinking to forget? That's my sweet spot.
- Let's do that.
- Okay.
These clothes are so uncomfortable.
Glad to get it off.
In there.
You ready to drink with a friend? - I am, Jess.
- Yes.
Let's do this.
Why isn't the crosswalk here? Just let it out.
- Just let it out.
- This is where people want to cross, sir.
We don't need our table.
We're sitting at the bar.
Not a date.
Your table's all yours-- not on a date.
I think we're doing too much brainstorming and not enough good old-fashioned remembering.
What's the worst thing that you've ever experienced on a date? I will be your father figure put your tiny hand in mine I will be your preacher teacher Anything you have in mind I will be your father figure I have had enough of crime I will be the one who loves you Till the end of time.
Outside Dave, my friend Winston here holds in his hands the lyrics to sir George Michael's "Father Figure.
" - I'm familiar.
- What's it gonna take for you to lose the shirt and go ruin a date for us? We're willing to pay you handsomely.
Four million U.
S.
dollars and a trip to wine country.
I don't have $4 million.
All right, give him that.
I'll tell you what.
and two home-cooked sandwiches.
One home-cooked sandwich.
- Deal.
- Yeah, deal.
Okay, Outside Dave.
Make yourself at home here on the couch, and I'll get started on those sandwiches To the laboratory! Diversion! Two urinals? I'm rich! You both have jobs.
Get another charger.
I love those guys, but they're idiots.
- They are idiots.
- They are so dumb.
To their credit, they don't go around randomly grabbing each other's boobs.
- That we know of.
- Randomly? Oh, no way.
You put it out there, Jess.
- What? - Yes, you do.
I do not put it out there.
"Hey, Nick, will you help me open this jar?" What? - Yes.
- I can't open the jar.
"How do you restart the Internet?" That's just me suffering through life.
You have to stop, because it's ridiculously hot.
Okay? It's hard for me to deal with, 'cause it's too hot.
All right, fine.
Then you have to stop gargling your beer.
- That's a turn-on? - It's hot.
- That is so weird, that that's a turn-on.
- You're like Might as well be in, like, a like a hose, spraying you down.
You are out of your mind.
Hey.
Do you want to get some dinner? Like a like a date? - Yeah.
Let's - Okay.
- Yes! Let's do it! - We're going on a date! - Yes! - Yes! Come on, guys.
Guys, so sorry.
Curveball.
We need the table back.
We are on a date.
- We are on a date.
- Amazing.
Hey, Marc, could you clear the table but leave the breadsticks? Actually, don't clear the table, 'cause that looks good.
Could you clear the fish? I don't want to be too forward, but whatever baby wants, baby gets.
Daddy's buying.
Well, look, you keep buying my drinks, I'll put out no matter what you say.
- Ooh.
- I guess the good ones aren't all married or gay.
How many have we had? Ooh! Hey, Russell! Nice to see you! Date's going really well.
That's that's great news.
- Really, really nice to see you guys.
- Yeah.
You two are really something.
"Really something.
" What does that mean? - Hmm.
- You know, we're having a great date.
- Right? - Who cares what he thinks? - Who cares what he says? - I don't agree.
- Hey! Hey, Russell! - Hey! - Oh, God.
Where's my car? - Hey, you said we were - "really something" and we want to know what that means.
- What does that mean? - Yeah.
- This may come as a shock, but I have no opinion about you two.
Did you valet? God, that is classy.
You know what? You can't just tell two people that they're "really something" and just walk away.
Fine.
You-you want to know what I meant? - Yes! - You live together and you had three dates tonight.
What's that? I think you guys don't really know what you are to each other.
Right? - Well, you're wrong.
No, you're wrong.
Yeah.
- You are wrong, because we know what we are We do know yeah.
We know what we are.
Okay, this'll be fun.
Tell you what.
Why don't you write it down? Seriously.
Write down what you think this is.
Is this a relationship, a one-night stand, above the waist only? No wrong answers.
- You had two pens on you this whole time? - Well, sure.
- That's the move right there.
- You better believe it.
This is so much better than the gutter! I'm calling the Police, I'm calling the D.
A.
, I'm calling somebody.
- Mmm, smells like ladies in here.
- Damn it.
My battery's dead.
Yeah, mine, too.
Where is the charger? Schmidt, you put the charger back in the bathroom? I'm sorry, okay? I thought it was the neutralest room.
Three, two, one zero! - Let's just go, Brandy.
- Wait.
No, no, no, no.
- Don't go.
Yeah, I got it, too.
Me, too.
- I got this, I got this.
There it is.
Okay.
Figured it out.
- Good.
Great.
- Great.
- Okay.
Y-you know what? This wasn't such a good idea.
Maybe just forget I thought of it.
- We're just gonna go.
All right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
It's best that way.
- What did you write? - What did you write? - Russell, Russell, hey.
- Russell, we have to get to the bottom of this.
- Okay, move it, move it.
Excuse me, sir.
The crosswalk geez.
Sorry.
Oh, my gosh.
Hair sauce! - Hair sauce? Oh, my God.
- Mmm, feels like mud.
If he even looks at my pomade caddy, I will turn every hobo in the city against him.
I will poison every pie on every windowsill.
He doesn't steal pies from windowsills.
He is a real-life homeless person.
We need to call the cops.
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't.
You know why? - Yeah, your phone's dead.
- Because of you, Schmidt.
You want to know why I'd rather hang out with Nick? - Shh.
What is that? - Time to cut the grass.
He's using my four-in-one groomer.
I'm going in there.
- No! Schmidt! Absolutely not! - I'm going in there, man.
You hear that? Because that that is not the fourth use.
- There's no sanctioned fifth use! - Hey, Schmidt! Schmidt! - Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! - He's using it for a fifth use! Nick is gonna be home soon.
Okay? And then everything will be fine.
- Nick will know what to do.
- There's no time.
- I'm going to the roof.
- What are you Schmidt, why are you going up - Oh, my gosh, it's full of bugs.
Nick, I need to know how you feel.
What did you write on that card? Well, what did you write on your card? - Let's say it at the same time, - Okay.
on the count of three.
One, two, three Okay.
From now on, no funny business.
We do middle school dance rules.
Three feet on the floor, no body hugs.
- Is that what you want? - Yeah.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Great.
You got it.
Wonderful.
- Really? - I They've got a great squish to 'em.
- I couldn't stop thinking about it.
- Can't argue with you.
Wow, you can see my skin.
Oh, good lord.
Hot damn! You got this.
You got this.
Whoa.
What are you doing? - Stop moving.
- Get off of me! Hey, Schmidt! - He's got my leg! - Outside Dave, man, what's happening in there? - What are you d - Schmidt! Please! No! He's real homeless! - No! Get off! - Come on.
Come on! If you're hurting him, I swear oh, my It's shorts weather.
Everybody's gonna want to dance with you.
Well, you're going against the grain, you animal! Is he shaving your legs? Winston! Thank goodness! Catch me.
I got I was about to catch you, and then you just fell.
You just saved my life.
Anything, man, as long as you're okay.
You're okay? Well, I don't know.
You break that whole thing down, there was A homeless man was just shaving my leg.
Yeah.
Hey, man.
Winston and Schmidt.
Winston and Schmidt.
- All right! - Okay.
- Yeah.
- All right, man.
How long have the two of you been the best of friends? Longer than we ever knew.
I will say it's hard to have a moment with you when there's a homeless dude dropping a deuce in our urinal.
- We never actually ate, so - Yeah, I know.
I'm getting a snack.
I'm going to bed.
- Can I have some of these? - Sure.
Jess, I can help you.
I got it.
I got it.
I don't even n I don't even I don't even want Thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm gonna go to bed now.
Okay.
Don't.
I have to go to sleep.
I'll walk with you.
Good night, Miller.
Good night, Day.
Love put me wise to her love in disguise she had the body of Venus lord, imagine my surprise ah, ah dude looks like a lady oh, oh dude looks like a lady oh, oh dude looks like a lady ow, ow dude looks like a lady ow Like the movie Mrs.
Doubtfire.
Dude looks like a lady.