Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e21 Episode Script

We're serious.
You giris pick the restaurant.
Balki and I will take you to dinner.
Money is no object.
- You heard that right.
When Larry and Balki go first class, they eat the whole hog.
You guys must be pretty sure Mr.
Twinkacetti's going to give you a raise.
Oh, he'll give us a raise.
Cousin Larry put it in very uncertain terms.
Mm-hm.
After the little talk I had with him yesterday it's in the bag.
Hmm.
I was good.
No, no, I was great.
I told him that when he walked through that door today I wanted an answer, and it had better be the right one.
Good morning, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
- Yeah, yeah.
Mr.
Twinkacetti? Isn't there something you want to tell us? Yeah, get to work.
Well, look at the time.
We'd better go.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Cousin, we're not going to let him do that to us, are you? No.
No, we're not.
We're gonna clear this up right now.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, we need to talk about our raise.
Yeah, I promised I'd have an answer for you, didn't I? You're darned tooting.
Yeah, well, I'm a man of my word.
No raise.
Well, I guess we're snookered.
Hey, would you? What? Mr.
Twinkacetti, we are overworked and underpaid.
I know you're overworked.
I'm not insensitive.
That's why I hired a new guy to help you out.
Wait a minute.
If you can't afford to give us a raise how can you afford to hire a new man? Ah, simple economics.
It's the, uh, trickle-down theory.
See, the money I'm gonna pay the new guy will be trickling out of your salary.
Sorry.
All right.
All right, Twinkacetti, you pushed me too far.
Every day you insult me and I take it.
Well, I'm not gonna take it anymore.
There are a million jobs better than this.
There are a million bosses better than you.
I quit.
I quit too.
I appreciate your loyalty, and I understand you're willing to make a sacrifice but you don't have to quit just because I quit.
Yes, I do.
We're a team.
We should be together.
Of course you should stay together.
You share a brain.
Mr.
Twinkacetti you can't talk to Cousin Larry and me like that anymore.
Like the great Nancy Sinatra said, "These boots were made for walking.
" Fine, walk.
Who needs you? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, who needs you? Ha! - Ha-ha! Ha! That felt pretty good.
- Well, you can say that again.
Ha! Ha.
- Ha-ha! Now what do we do? - I don't know.
Ah.
Ha.
- Ah-ha.
Tomorrow we go out and get new jobs.
In America, you can do anything you want to do.
You just have to set your sights high.
Could I be chief justice of the Supreme Court? Lower, Balki.
Could I be chief justice of the Supreme Court? Fat Marsha's? This can't be the place.
Well, this is the address the employment agency gave us.
This place doesn't have a management program.
A methadone program, maybe.
Okay, we train for that.
Cousin, come on, face it.
We're going to have to chew the bullet on this one.
It's been two weeks, the rent is due and I haven't heard back from the Supreme Court.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, we were supposed to meet a Ms.
Manning.
That's me, Fat Marsha.
You don't look fat, Fat Marsha.
- Well, thank you, sweetie.
I used to weigh 300 pounds but when I opened this place, I lost my appetite.
Ah.
Now I'm having the time of my life.
You boys here about the jobs or are you answering my ad in the personals? We're We're here about the jobs.
My name is Balki Bartokomous, and this is my cousin Larry Appleton.
Hey, you're cute.
Uh Well, I think there's been a mistake.
- No, you're cute, all right.
And you're not so bad yourself.
Where are you from? Oh, I'm from Mypos.
But I can still work here, can't I? Well, of course you can, darling.
I'm an equal-opportunity employer.
Well, I'm an equal opportunity.
Well, the employment office sent us here for management-trainee positions but I'm sure they gave us the wrong address.
Ah, no mistake.
My other management trainees quit.
They were, uh, worn out.
I'll get you a couple of uniforms.
Well, no, actually, we were really looking for something with career-advancement opportunities.
Well, don't worry, cutie.
I got a feeling you're gonna advance real fast.
She's got a nice smile.
Then you put the burger on the bun the bun on the plate.
Then you take the ticket from the wheel and you place them both on the counter.
And then you ring the bell.
Ring the bell.
I like your spirit, Balki.
- Oh.
Hmm.
And you have nice firm handwriting.
Do you ever arm-wrestle naked? - Oh.
No.
That would be cheating.
Cheating? I like that.
Here.
Put these on.
No.
Like this.
Need a hand, honey? - No, I got it.
Oh.
There's something about a man in uniform that drives me crazy.
Mm I'll see you boys in a couple of hours.
I'm gonna go pump some iron.
Oh, cousin, you're not going to believe this.
I already don't believe this.
It's a humongous can of tuna.
I'll bet Charlie and his whole family are in here.
Yes, I bet they are.
- And look at this.
A message center.
And this.
A bell system.
I can't wait to write home about this.
Balki, wake up and smell the roach spray.
This place is one step away from being condemned.
Well, in Mypos, this is a five-star restaurant.
This is the best offer we've had in two weeks.
All right, all right.
Let's try to make the best of it.
Okay.
Uh, I want be the cook.
- No.
No, I want Because then I get to ring the bell.
Balki, I'll be the cook, you be the waiter.
I want be the cook.
- No.
I want be the cook.
- You can't be the cook.
Balki, please.
All right, you can be the cook.
- Okay.
Why am I arguing about the level of my humiliation? See? Balki.
How's that chilidog coming? - Oh.
BALKl: Mm-hm.
Ready to go.
Need beans to feed the baby.
Yeah, baby.
There you are.
May I help you? - Yeah.
Last time I was in here, the meat loaf was gritty.
It tasted like sawdust and the gravy was a kind of greenish-brown stuff.
What's it like today? Pretty much the same.
Give me a double order.
And you have an order of fries coming.
Double order of meat loaf.
Oh, and, uh, I'm missing an order of fries.
I don't see an order of fries.
I forgot to put it up.
I just need an order of fries.
If it's not on the wheel, you don't get a meal.
I just made that up.
French fries.
I love this machine.
It does shrimp too.
Balki, we don't serve shrimp.
Yes, I know, but if we did, this little baby would fry their little tails off.
Are these ready? - Well, almost.
Okey-dokey.
Now, we got two Blackhawk Burgers and one Puck Burger and three Slap-Shot Slaws.
Balki, I can see the orders.
Do you have to ring the bell? I have to ring the bell.
Okay.
We got two Blackhawks with slaw and one Puck with slaw.
Your french fries are coming.
Your meat loaf will be out in a sec.
It's soaking.
Anybody need anything? No.
- Good.
Balki, this job is a breeze.
I think I'll bring in a little TV tomorrow.
Balki, what are you doing? I'm putting 25 patties on the grill.
Marsha told me to do that for the 4:00 rush.
She also told me she's taking me to Club Med but you don't see me packing.
You got vacation already? No.
Balki, I mean, it's 4:00 now.
You're looking at the rush.
Well, no, cousin, Marsha told me there was going to be a rush.
Ah, Balki, come here.
Come on.
Look outside.
Okay? Do you see a rush? I see a big herd of people coming across the street from the stadium.
Oh, my Lord.
There must have been a game today.
Cousin, they're pulling the parking meters out of the ground.
There must have been a hockey game.
That was the worst game I've ever seen.
Hey, hey, I haven't ordered yet.
- All right, yes.
Who had the Puck Burger? Where is my chilidog? - I don't know.
Here, have a Puck Burger.
Hurry up.
What's wrong with you? What's going on? - Hey! When are you gonna take my order? Yeah, I'm a little busy right now.
Yeah, right.
Balki, what are you doing? I lost my place on the wheel.
Pat Sajak makes it look so easy.
- All right.
Balki.
Balki.
Don't go to pieces on me now.
I need you.
I need Be here for me.
I will.
- All right, come on.
All right, all we've gotta do is put these things together here.
I'll just put them together.
Everything will be fine.
We're just gonna get these fries and they'll all be ordered.
If we put the fries and all of the We're gonna be fine.
Balki, Balki, Balki.
Are you with me, buddy? Yes, I am.
- All right.
All right.
Hey.
I'd like to eat while I still have my teeth.
Yeah.
All right, here we go.
Coming - I'm still waiting for my chilidog.
It's coming, it's coming.
You'll be amazed how fast it comes.
Okay, you have the Blackhawk Burgers and the Puck Pups.
I still haven't ordered yet.
- Well, I ordered for you.
Who do I have to kill to get a chilidog around here? Uh, it's ready right now.
I'll get it.
I'm gonna get it.
Balki.
Balki, I need a chilidog desperately.
Well, cousin, we're out of chili.
What do you mean? We can't be out of chili.
Well, but Well, it My chili happens to be very popular.
Balki, there is a man over there who will kill me if I don't give him a chilidog right now.
Well, we're out of chili.
- We can't be.
I don't know what to tell you.
Read my lips, we're out of Hey, bozos.
Hi.
- Hi.
I still don't have my chilidog.
Coming.
Is that him? - Yes, yes, that's him.
Well, then I suggest we find some chili.
- Okay, okay.
Okay, we have to tell - Okay, okay.
What is it? - Well, I found something.
What is it? - It looks something like chili.
It's green.
I'm waiting.
Close enough.
There you go.
Uh, this was supposed to be to go.
- Right, yes, of course.
Here you go.
On the house.
Watch where you're walking, jerk face.
Hey, how would you like me to walk on your face, dirt ball? Now, who you calling a dirt ball, you jerk face? You, horse breath.
Fight! We have a very strict no fighting policy.
Okay, break it up.
Put them down.
Carefully.
Well, these two hockey pucks started it.
Out.
Now.
Are we still on for tonight? - Are we still on for tonight? I'll let you know.
L I can explain everything.
Well, there's nothing to explain.
It's always like this during hockey season.
You okay, honeybunch? - Well Well, you okay, Balki? Well, I got a little something in my eye, but I Well, good, because I was afraid you had broken something important.
No, no.
L l I think she just invited me to Club Med.
Why were those dogs chasing us? Because we smell like cheap hamburger.
You smell like cheap hamburger.
L I'm not sure what I smell like.
I can't believe it.
We actually managed to find jobs that are worse than working for Twinkacetti.
Oh, cousin, it wasn't all that bad.
"Wasn't all that bad"? Balki, we spent the day feeding tainted meat to homicidal hockey fans.
Not to mention being sexually harassed by the Amazing Colossal Woman.
What job could be worse? Well, what about that lady I saw on televisión that has to check the waistbands on men's underwear? What I meant was we should have taken the pay cut and stayed with Twinkacetti.
Oh, Mr.
And Mrs.
Twinkacetti.
I know rent is due.
We don't get paid until the end of the week.
Don't worry about that, boys.
I just found out why you quit.
Donald has something he wants to say.
Speak, Donald.
I'd, uh, like you to come back to work for me.
Well, uh, what happened to the new man? He's history.
Tell them why, Donald.
That bum was stealing me blind.
Now, you two are losers, but at least you're honest losers.
High praise indeed.
Well, Mr.
Twinkacetti, we would love to come back and work for you but it's not possible, because we've got new jobs and we're management trainees, and we're advancing rather rapidly.
Balki.
- Uh Uh On the other hand, every management trainee has his price.
Yes, yes, I see.
But we'd be willing to hear your offer.
Make them an offer, Donald.
I was just gonna do that, sweetheart.
Uh, let's say, same job, same pay, no hard feelings.
What do you say? Let's say we get the raise we should've got in the first place you pay us overtime and we never hear the word "losers" again.
Donald says yes.
Can I go now? I still got dishes to do.
Of course, dear.
It's nice to have you back, boys.
Thank you.
- Oh.
Thank you, Mrs.
Twinkacetti.
Do yourselves a favor.
Burn these clothes.
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
How do you like that, Balki? We got our jobs back.
- Yeah.
Ah.
Why don't we feel happy? Maybe because we're going back to the crummy jobs we hated two weeks ago.
That's a good point, a very good point.
Well, this is one way to look at it: We're not going to have those jobs forever.
You came to Chicago to be a photographer, and you will be.
Yeah.
And you didn't travel thousands of miles to be a clerk in a discount store.
Yeah.
Someday I'll graduate from night school and I'll go to college.
Yeah.
Then we can tell Twinkacetti what to do with our jobs and we can mean it.
Yeah.
Cousin, I'm getting happy.
Do you know what I feel coming on? A dance of joy? - Yes.