Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e21 Episode Script

Hey.
Guess what.
The New Yorker accepted my short story? Mrs.
Quick read my essay, "How Math Applies to Real Life.
" She liked it so much, she wants me to read it in front of math class.
That's wonderful.
Isn't it, Zelda? Zelda? Zelda.
Attention, Zelda.
Did you say something? Oh.
I'm sorry.
I have to present a paper at a big scientific symposium in the Other Realm, and I have so much more research to do.
Oh, that's okay.
I just wanted to tell you about my Aunt Zelda? Aunt Zelda! I am really worried about her.
She hasn't eaten or slept in days.
She's even been too busy to disapprove of me.
She must be dead.
She's been working too hard.
She needs to relax.
Maybe we could try aromatherapy or a mallet? I know what to do.
Aloha? It's hopeless.
I guess you and I might as well have a luau.
No, thanks.
Mai tai might make me groggy for homeroom.
The cat could party.
Mmm.
Hi.
I'm Betsy Ross.
You need a flag by when? So, what did Mrs.
Quick like best about your essay? That my ideas were clear and concise.
Clear, concise.
Got it.
Next time I write an essay, I'll be sure to be fuzzy and wordy.
That way I'll avoid the terror you're about to endure.
What are you talking about? It's in front of students.
- What's the big deal? - Sabrina, guess what.
I liked your essay so much, I've arranged for you to read it in front of all of the math classes in school.
[GASPS.]
[HYPERVENTILATING.]
Valerie thinks there's something stressful about speaking in public.
- What do you think? - Oh, I don't know.
I don't get stressed.
I get hives.
SALEM: Feed me.
Is she still working? She's supposed to feed me every half-hour.
I'm so weak.
I'm in the mood for crepes.
Don't worry.
I've come up with a plan to bring Zelda back to reality.
Or you could feed me.
"Divide that by equal parts of--" - Must need new glasses.
- Zelda? You have us all really worried.
I'm trying to attain a deeper understanding of molecules.
I want to ennoble humanity.
I know, and that has to stop right now.
Maybe I have been working too hard.
- I can't just stop cold turkey.
- Turkey? Please.
Don't worry.
I've come up with a plan that will keep you occupied and relaxed all at the same time.
Come with me.
Now.
We've always wanted to organise the family photos.
And you'll be able to keep busy without working yourself into a frenzy.
Oh I've always loved this picture of Uncle Toots.
- I'll put it right here.
- Good.
Oh, this is relaxing.
But maybe Cousin Emma's photo would be better on this page.
- Zelda.
- Let's see.
Uncle Toots' black hair would look best - next to Uncle Emmet's yellow teeth.
- Zelda! Or should I arrange them by head size? Aren't you going to congratulate me? I'm your new spring queen.
We haven't voted for that yet.
Voting.
You're so naive.
Come Friday and the gap between us will be even greater due to myroyal station.
I'd genuflect, but my Tater Tots are getting cold.
Well, I'm going out for track again.
But last year you impaled yourself on the hurdles.
Yes, but on the bright side I discovered I also enjoy food through a tube.
VALERIE: Hey, did you hear? Sabrina's reading her essay to all the math classes.
Oh, man, that's brave.
What's the big deal? I mean, what could go wrong? - You might start vomiting.
- And let's not forget sweating.
Or sweating's emotional cousin: weeping.
None of these things are shameful.
unless you have a problem with a nickname like "Pit Stains.
" Sabrina, here's some good news.
It took some doing, but I convinced Mr.
Kraft to let you read your essay at tomorrow's assembly.
Does this look infected? Oh.
So tomorrow's assembly.
I'll be in the front row, just like I was for Titanic.
Only this will be way more disastrous.
I've gotta find Mr.
Kraft and tell him I can't do this.
You have to do it.
It's all set.
I tried to get Steve Allen, but he's already booked.
So now it's all up to you.
It's just an assembly.
Oh, no.
No, it is the first assembly that Principal Larue has put me in charge of, so it has to be a great speech.
We are talking FDR's first inaugural address.
We are talking Lincoln at Gettysburg.
We are talking Billy Crystal at the Oscars.
Has to be that good.
Well, "Pit-Stain Spellman" does have a certain ring to it.
SALEM: This is so good.
- What is it? - A sour ball I found under the couch.
HILDA: Hey, how was school? Awful.
I have a big problem.
I gotta talk to Aunt Zelda.
Wait a minute.
Why do you always go to Zelda with your problems? I mean, I'm your aunt too.
Why don't you tell me what's going on? Okay.
Well, I have to read an essay at an assembly, and I'm terrified.
Oh, this is a problem.
Have you considered running away from it? That was my first thought.
Aunt Hilda, sometimes you underestimate me.
Wait, wait.
Give me a second chance.
I know.
You know, a little fear can be a good thing.
You just have to learn to live with it and deal with it.
That is good advice, but not what I wanted to hear.
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Do you think I should I talk to Zelda? Is that a Jolly Rancher under the table? Zelda, Sabrina has a problem.
Morris' picture will completely destroy the Uncle Emmet sequence.
Zelda? Zelda? Danger, Will Robinson.
[SMOKE HISSING.]
Zelda? Zelda, what happened? Speak to me.
[BIMBO VOICE.]
Oh.
I love your lipstick.
You are a classy broad.
You got cul-cha.
- Come again? - Come on, doll face.
Let's do the Charleston.
Something has happened to Zelda.
I have to deal with it.
Okay, dancing is not the answer.
SALEM: Sabrina? When are you gonna come out from under your blanket? SABRINA: Never.
- Don't be afraid.
Life is short.
Oh, please.
What fearless thing have you done lately? Well, I-- I slept in a pile of laundry I wasn't familiar with.
Look, haven't you figured this witch thing out yet? - The magic book? - Unless you're afraid of it now.
Let's see.
"Fear, removal of.
See Page 113.
Before extracting fear, see warning.
" Hello, Sabrina.
Hey.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
You're the guy who said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
" Actually, what I wanted to say was, "We have nothing to fear but poverty," but my advisers told me I should come up with something a little punchier.
Good line.
Great delivery.
Thanks.
Sabrina, I must tell you that if you use your magic to get rid of your fear, it could cast a shadow on the rest of your life.
Have you ever had to read an essay in front of a high school assembly? Well, no, but I did overcome polio to become the leader of the free world, and I carried this country through the biggest economic crisis in its history.
And I faced the forces of totalitarianism in the gravest conflict in recorded time.
But you never had to read an essay in front of a high school assembly? Uh No.
Then you can't relate to what I'm saying, can you, Mr.
President? All right.
"To activate fear removal, drink a glass of water while opened to this page.
" [HICCUPS.]
Close the book.
Close the book.
Salem, don't be such a scaredy-cat.
I can't wait for the assembly tomorrow.
My essay's gonna rock.
Looks like your fear is gone.
Yeah, you're right.
The fear must have been scared out of me.
Whoo-hoo! Stop it.
Oh, you know I can't stand this ride.
Woo-ho-ho.
Hold me.
No doubt about it, a clear case of witch snap.
It happens to witches' minds when they've been overworked.
[AS GINGER.]
Okay, Skipper.
You and Gilligan forge for berries while I prepare a coconut soufflé.
Why is she acting like that? Right now she's going through gingersnap.
I'm glad you figured that out, Professor.
Now maybe you can think of a way to fix the hole in the boat.
The only thing that will cure her is no stress.
So make sure that she has nothing on her mind.
Well, if I recall that character correctly, she doesn't.
- What's up, Val? - Aah! Why are you looking at me like that? You don't want to be my friend anymore, do you? Valerie, are you all right? No.
Sabrina keeps staring at me, and it's making me nervous.
Well, maybe you should see the nurse.
I was gonna have her check out my hives.
- I don't see any hives.
- Oh.
I can see the nurse has poisoned you with her lies too.
Come on, Valerie.
Wait a minute, is magic behind this? Come on, Sabrina, don't jump to conclusions.
KRAFT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Attention, everyone, this is Vice Principal Kraft.
I have an important announcement to make.
I don't want to die! Okay.
Time to jump to conclusions.
ZELDA [BABY VOICE.]
: Grab the stwingy, Sawum.
- Isn't this fun? - Hilda.
It'll pass.
She's just going through the sugar-snap phase of witch snap.
I'm gonna give Salem a hug.
Does Kevorkian do animals? Ugh! Unbelievable.
Zelda balances this chequebook every month, and I've never seen her in a homicidal rage.
[TOASTER DINGS.]
Well, if you feel like killing someone, might I suggest Zelda? Oh, no.
Zelda, your symposium is tonight.
If your paper isn't presented, you'll be kicked out of the academy.
Do you think you can pull yourself together to give it? - I'm gonna kiss you.
- Okay, that would be a no.
Hey, Sabrina.
Zelda wants you to try to balance that chequebook.
I can't.
I'm too upset.
I-- I tried to overcome my fear by casting a spell.
Now there's this shadow following people around school.
Oh, no.
If you use magic to release your fear, the fear gets loose and preys on mortals.
Didn't Millard Fillmore warn you? Actually, it was FDR, but I blew him off.
FDR? Oh, they've upgraded the magic book.
Excuse me.
Aren't we in the midst of a crisis here? Right.
You've gotta go back and get everyone in the entire school who's been affected by your fear shadow to come home with you.
Oh, no problem.
Right after I end hunger.
No, and hurry, the longer the shadow is loose, the greater the fear will grow.
Okay.
When I said crisis, I meant Zelda.
[SOBBING.]
She's putting booties on me.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Wait, Valerie, stop! Why are you so afraid? The earth, the stars, space.
We're decomposing as we speak.
Mr.
Kraft, I need you to get everyone out of this school and to my house.
Oh.
That is just what my enemies want.
- Enemies? - I am surrounded by enemies.
People plotting against me behind my back.
People who want my assembly to fail.
There's nothing going on behind your back - except - Ah! Mr.
Kraft, when are you gonna formally make me spring queen? I know you.
You're one of the four horsemen.
The one with too much eye shadow.
We should never have stopped school prayer.
Wait, why are you wearing so much makeup? Because what if I'm not made spring queen? Then the next thing you know, I'm not gonna be summer princess or autumn empress or winter goddess.
What if I never win another seasonal beauty pageant again? Wait, you have some lipstick on your teeth! My hives have turned into gangrene.
Will you cut off my arm? I have a hacksaw at my house.
If we go right now-- No! I can't risk being exposed to sunlight.
If you won't help me, then I'll just have to gnaw it off myself.
Harvey! Don't touch me! You could break a bone.
Good thing you stopped me.
I was gonna put my hand on your shoulder.
I just don't wanna get hurt.
Football, hockey, track, cards.
They're all so dangerous.
- Cards? - You ever had a paper cut? Who do you think I am, Evel Knievel? Attention, I've just been informed that Vermont has declared war on Massachusetts.
Luckily, there's a bomb shelter at my house.
So if we all hurry, we can get there in time, but the most important thing to remember is-- ALL: Ahhh! - Don't panic! Okay, Salem, since I have to present Zelda's paper for her, you have to help me.
Okay.
"The uses of the hyrazine--" [FLATLY.]
It's pronounced "hyraxine.
" Zelda, you're back! - It's pronounced "hyraxine.
" - Uh-oh.
Zelda, what's your favourite soft drink? It's pronounced "hyraxine.
" Great.
It's the biggest night of Zelda's scientific career, and she has the verbal skills of a potato.
It's pronounced "potahto.
" [CROWD SCREAMING.]
I managed to get everyone from school to come home.
Great.
Now all you have to do is get the shadow through the closet and into the Other Realm.
Well, how do I get it into the house and keep everyone else out? You know how dogs can smell fear? Well, fear can smell dogs.
[DOGS BARKING.]
KRAFT: Let me in the bomb shelter.
Let me-- A pack of wild dogs! [SHADOW GROWLS.]
[BARKING CONTINUES.]
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
Oh.
I thought they'd never leave.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad we took care of that.
They can handle my fear in the Other Realm.
You have to go to the Other Realm and confront your fear, or it will always haunt you.
Do I have to go alone? Isn't there a group package available? - Can you come? - Oh! Yeah, like I don't have enough to do.
- Brrrr-rrr-rrr.
- Stop that.
Why don't you take Quizmaster.
He's knowledgeable, resourceful, and he's strong.
- I'm gonna need someone strong? - If you wanna live.
Go.
I have a paper to give.
Oh, I hate being the responsible one.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
Once again, no one remembers to feed the cat.
Why is it so dark in here? Well, your fear shadow has engulfed this whole area.
Everything you encounter here will be one of your subconscious fears.
It is the forest of your fears.
- Really? That's what it's called? - Well, actually, it's called Pine Valley.
Anyway, I just flew in from out of town, and, boy, is my broom tired.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, so on with the lecture.
Okay, it-- It starts with kind of a triangular symbol, and then I-- I guess the scientific term for what comes next would be the thingy.
This is hard.
I-- I just have to concentrate.
[SMOKE HISSING.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Hilda.
Hilda, what are you doing? What's going on? Hah! Oh, dear.
[SINGING IN BABY VOICE.]
The eensy-weensy spider Went up the waterspout Now, you see that door? You have to make it through that door without turning back.
Is that all? I guess we came to the forest of my fears on an off day.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
- Mrs.
Quick! - She's not really Mrs.
Quick.
She's a symbolic manifestation of your fears.
But Mrs.
Quick doesn't scare me.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear that because I've talked to several universities, and no one will accept you.
I don't like this game anymore.
I'm going home.
Sabrina, you have to move forward.
You don't know this, but you're not gonna do very well on your SATs.
No college, no future, Sabrina.
I have your fast-food uniform right here.
No! No.
No, I'll be okay.
There's always trade school.
Wow.
I am afraid of not getting into college.
Maybe that's my biggest fear.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
No, it's people jumping out from behind trees.
Sabrina, you're a good friend with a soft heart.
Ooh.
I'm shaking.
You should be because a soft heart will only hold you back in the real world.
You have to be tough in the real world.
- You mean, you can't just be nice? - Nice guys finish last, Sabrina.
- What about Mister Rogers? - Have you seen his ratings? Jimmy Carter and Audrey Hepburn and other nice people.
I mean, occasionally, nice people do succeed.
You know what? I've had enough.
I'm gonna go to my room and cower.
Sabrina, come on, you're doing okay.
You have to be brave.
That way.
Hilda, why don't you sit here and occupy yourself while I talk to the nice Nobel Laureates.
[GIGGLES.]
Well, you came here to hear me read my paper, so let's get right to it.
Hilda, no.
[ANIMAL HOWLING IN DISTANCE.]
[SCREAMS.]
It-- It's a clown.
I've always been afraid of clowns.
Oh, so the way you dress is how you confront your fears? Are you afraid of being snatched baldheaded? Because that's what's going to happen.
I'm not afraid of clowns.
Why are you scaring the quizmaster in the forest of my fears? I'm not gonna waste my scariness on you, freak.
Although, as long as I'm here, I may as well remind you that everybody has commented on how you're different.
Hey, I don't care if Sabrina's - different.
KRAFT: Ha-ha-ha.
But she's not just different.
I happen to know she's a witch.
ALL [CHANTING.]
: You're a witch! You're a witch! You're a witch! No! No! No! You're a witch! You're a witch! Wait a minute! Right, I am a witch.
I'm proud of being a witch because it means I can do this: Way to go, Sabrina.
All you have to do is walk through that door and face your ultimate and final fear.
If you find my nervous system anywhere around, I'd like it back.
And now, to read from her essay, "How Math Applies to Real Life," Sabrina Spellman.
[APPLAUSE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"In the beginning there was the word, but in order to mark when the beginning was, we needed numbers.
Making math as big a part of life as language, although not quite as big as TV.
" [CROWD CHUCKLING.]
"At first, math seemed so complicated, I was afraid of it, but once I took the time to study, it wasn't scary to me anymore, which proves that knowledge and experience are the best weapons against fear.
" Thank you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Great speech, Sabrina.
Now you can finally face your fear.
Wow, my fear looks just like Steve Allen.
Ha-ha.
I know what fear is, believe me.
I did live TV.
- It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
- Wait a minute.
Meet.
That rhymes with sweet.
You gave me an idea for a song.
[SINGING.]
When you beat your feet Down the street All the little birdies Go tweet, tweet, tweet He's gone.
All right.
Fear is out of my life forever.
Oh, not quite.
He's there to remind you that fear is something that will always be a part of you.
You have to be willing to deal with it.
Hey, is Steve Allen gonna be on all my clothes now? Oh, come on, Sabrina.
Don't take everything so seriously.
Lighten up.
All right, whatever you say.
Oh.
Clowns.
Yeah, well, you know, I can handle that.
[NOSE HONKS.]
Everyone said they loved my speech.
Mr.
Kraft said it was up there with something Steve Allen would do.
That's nice, dear.
Aunt Zelda, you seem down in the dumps.
Oh, it's nothing.
Just my scientific career is now in a shambles.
[TOASTER DINGS.]
Hey, there's a message from the Other Realm in the toaster.
Get it out so I can make an English muffin.
I don't believe it.
Because of the symposium fiasco, I've been given a grant to study abnormal phenomena in already abnormal witches.
[IN FOREIGN ACCENT.]
Thank you, boys.
The songs of Bavaria, we'll never forget them.
She's in the Lawrence Welk-snap stage of witch snap.
This is perfect.
And now, a little polka.
And a one-a and a two-a and a three-a.
[PLAYING BOUNCY TUNE.]
I didn't know it until now, but Aunt Hilda playing the accordion is my biggest fear.