Scrubs s02e21 Episode Script

When you're dating a woman whose husband just died after two years in a coma, you can't help but have doubts about the relationship.
I guess all you can do is be a man and face those doubts.
What are you thinking about? Eggs.
One minute they're bad for you, now everybody's, "You tried eggs? They're great.
" It's crazy.
- Eggs.
- You know what? Forget I asked.
What? I really wanted tonight to be romantic.
Sweetie, it is.
No, exactly how much feeling am I supposed to lose in my extremities? Just enough so it still hurts.
Still, things are going pretty well with me and Jamie.
Looks like rope burn to me.
Oh, no, this is a rash from my new watch.
They didn't tell me the band was made of Cat.
Elliot, check out these wedding dresses.
I'm so proud of you right now.
This is exactly like the dress I bought.
I didn't buy a wedding dress.
I'm not dating anybody, so that would be crazy, whether it was half off or not.
There is not one good thing about a wedding I can't afford.
Turk, I know it's silly, and I know it's only for one day, but ever since I was a little girl all I wanted to do was have a big, beautiful wedding.
What's the name of that designer you love so much? She made that gown? Vera? Wang.
You're the only two doctors immature enough to laugh at the name Vera Wang.
- Hello.
- Go ahead.
What? Vera Wang makes very beautiful gowns.
Plus, her last name is a very funny word for penis.
Who's with me? Air-five.
- Shorts, huh? - Yeah.
I don't get to wear shorts cos I'm a lowly janitor? - I didn't say lowly.
- So now I'm a janitor? Yes.
- Have you been drinking? - I'm not drunk.
I love your shorts.
I wish I had a pair just like them.
OK, the angioplasty went well.
But here's the thing.
It is on you, partner.
Watch what you eat so that we can kick this thing in the ass.
- It's on you, partner.
- Oh, gosh, Shannon.
Thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word.
In a reciprocal gesture, am I included in the planning of your coming-out party? - Is that a gay joke? - No, it's a cotillion joke.
My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years.
How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays.
I like the gays.
I like their music.
I like their sense of style.
I like what they've done with Halloween.
But our thing is that you're a little girl.
That's who you are.
But that's not fair Man, once Dr Cox gets on a roll, nothing can derail him.
My mom died.
Except that.
Thank you for coming.
I know you're busy.
It's tough working in a hospital.
No matter what is going on in your life, you have to dive right back into the middle of things.
So anyway, you said you like mine.
I had the wife whip up a pair for you.
- You like 'em? - Do I like 'em? The other day I was asking myself, how can I display my package in a way that's alluring and professional? Well, there's your answer.
To be young and in shorts.
- Are you ready for bed? - Oh, I'm ready.
A lot can change in a week.
Scoot.
Can you hand my mouth guard to me? Thanks.
JD, if things have fizzled, I could scout her out for you.
Things haven't fizzled.
Last night, we made ice cubes out of orange juice.
Step off.
OK, gang, before we begin, Dr Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Teensy snafus? Good God, Ted.
It's not a Dr Seuss story.
Now, listen up, nametags.
Over 50 per cent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication.
To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations.
My first invitee will be Dr Murphy, whom I overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding.
" - It was a gusher.
- Next catastrophe.
Idiots.
I hate him so much.
Save it for our weekend bike ride.
Would you like to try one of my world-famous devilled eggs? No, thank you, I've already had diarrhoea.
Carla, I just wanted to see how you're It's always tough when you have to bury your old mom, isn't it? - How was your mother's funeral? - Don't know, skipped it.
My aunt told my father it was very moving.
Gosh.
Wow, the past and the present.
Whenever I see two women I've been intimate with talking to each other, I always have the same fantasy.
C'mon, ladies.
It's right hand, left hand, shoulder pop, jump.
- What you talking about? - Not the Rerun Dance.
I tell her way too much.
You left some stuff at my apartment.
- Thanks.
- See ya.
Wanna know why things with Jamie are so lamey? - We're doing fine.
- She's clearing you out.
Wrong.
She came by because she knows today at work I need my squash goggles.
I have to saw something later.
She's a drama queen, JD.
When her husband was in a coma, it was taboo and exciting, but now that it's OK for you to be together, the relationship's got no snap.
It's got no crackle.
JD, it's got no pop.
I know, because I'm a drama queen, too.
Well, Jamie's not like you, OK? No pop! Nine pounds in a week? Let me ask you a quick question.
Are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery and all that person has to do, really, is, I don't know, go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad and you come back here looking like that.
I know.
Here I am, supposed to be Dr Give-A-Crap.
You wanna know the God's honest truth? This is a fact.
You are what you eat.
You clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya? See, Dr Cox, this is the sort of hostile behaviour that can cause us legal difficulty.
Ted, I just might rip that tie off your neck and jam it down your oesophagus.
I think you proved at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party - that doesn't solve anything.
- Dammit, you can't just go around browbeating nut jobs and bullying fatties.
I'm not a resident, so I'm not going to your lame-ass seminar so in essence there, Big Bob, there's really nothing you can do to me at all, is there? Hello, class.
My name is Dr Perry Cox.
I'm going to be your teacher.
No.
You OK? Great.
What are you doing home so early? I just came to check on you.
You looking at pictures? Yeah.
I know she was old.
Still, she was my best friend.
I mean, what are you supposed to do without your mom? You can let your man fill a little bit of the hole she left.
She would like that.
- Baby, she hated me.
- Yeah, she did.
- Holy - Calm down.
- I didn't mean to scare you.
- Why are we whispering? To see if you would whisper because I whispered.
- I think I would.
- Anyway, what's the deal? We're shorts buddies today.
You saw the schedule.
Monday, Tuesday, shorts, Wednesday, wash 'em, Thursday, Friday.
Weekend, optional.
I'll be wearing shorts.
You know, I was gonna wear them, but someone stole 'em.
- What? Let me see.
- Yes.
As a doctor, you get good at thinking on your feet.
I protected the janitor's feelings.
Plus, he totally bought it.
This burger's really meaty.
I'm serious.
You can taste all the meat.
You know, I'm actually gonna go put my sweats on.
You're wearing sweats.
You know, I gotta get up early, so maybe you should crash at your place tonight.
She probably does have to get up early.
So just be cool.
I'm sorry.
It was a total accident, I just Don't lie to me.
I asked you to go, so you punched through my coffee table.
Oh, my God, she does want drama.
Sometimes you make me so crazy.
Come here, I'll take care of you.
This is totally normal.
In relationships you have to roll with the punches.
Even the ones you don't see coming.
If there were anything I could do to make you feel better, I'd do it.
Let's get married now.
She wants to get married now? - She says spontaneity is romantic.
- Wow, that is romantic.
- So how pregnant is she? - She's not pregnant.
I was getting really psyched for this whole wedding.
The dancing, the band.
You'd hook up with Carla's sister.
- Which one? - The drunkest one.
There's no bachelor party, and you being the best man, I know you would've hooked it up.
All right, guys, let's make it happen.
Dude.
It would've been awesome.
I'm having a hard time getting excited about all of this.
You work here so I guess we could do the whole ceremony for 40 bucks.
Praise Jesus! As for my relationship, I was doing anything I could to keep the drama alive.
Jamie and I are gonna be together, and I don't care what you think, Mom.
Because I don't want salad, that's why.
Jamie and I will be together.
I don't care what you think, Dad.
I'm warning you, stop eyeballing my woman.
Actually, JD, I think it was that guy.
No, it was definitely that guy.
Unfortunately, I was running out of ideas.
- How's the drama queen doing? - I don't know, how are you? - Why can't you admit I'm right? - Because you're not right.
No pop.
What was that all about? I wouldn't stoop this low for drama.
Well, we used to be a couple.
Now you're in the picture, who wants me back? - Fine, I'd stoop.
- She better watch it.
Lester, honey, I don't want you using the stove on your own.
Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow an hour ago.
I'm talking to my husband.
Why don't you get your own pillow? What? And they stuck you in here for that? I apologised to the old man.
Anybody can have a bad day.
And what about you there, Beavis? Oh, uh You know, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
In your endo.
That's great stuff.
Ted, why don't you be a sport and get us started? - People, we're here today - Snore.
New idea.
All clam up for an hour so I can get some shuteye.
- Oh, and nervous guy? - Yes, Dr Cox? If I were you, I'd swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots.
If I hear you make one more damn crunch, I'll use the rest of the carrots in that bag to make you completely airtight.
- Hey, Jamie.
- Hey, slut.
I can totally explain why Jamie said that.
You know Turk says, "Hey, player.
" when he means, "Hey, buddy.
" Jamie's from Cincinnati and in Cincinnati they say "Hey, slut.
" Neat.
Are you sure you're happy we're doing this? Are you kidding? It's my ideal wedding.
It's cheap, there's no hassle, plus you said you'd call my mom and explain.
No, I didn't.
- What's in it for me? - This.
My God! Give me the phone.
I'll call her right now.
- You are such a mama's boy.
- Please.
Dial Mommy.
Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach.
If I wanted somebody to lay around and do nothing, I would've wheeled in a corpse, or my housekeeper, Rosalba.
Captain Clip-On.
Did you go ahead and tattle on me? Oh, please, with the shocked look.
Newsflash, I'm sterile.
I mean, gutless.
My guys swim in circles.
I think it's the bike riding.
- Hey, Elliot.
- Hey, slut! - Excuse me? - Carla! Could you give us a second? I got to talk to her privately.
Thank you.
I just wanted to say you were right about Jamie.
What does Jamie think you're doing here? Saying not to show up at my apartment drunk, naked, crying.
You know what's weird? I really like this girl, but I'm not sure I carry it on without all the drama.
You have to gamble that once the drama's gone, there'll be something there.
If not, it's her loss.
Still, if it helps Thanks.
OK, here we go.
When hospital employees fail to communicate with patients, there are ethical and legal ramifications that lead to financial hardship and grievances against doctors.
This is useless.
I thought we were going to learn something.
Barbie? Why did they toss you in here? They didn't.
I'm auditing.
Fine.
If you wanna know the real skinny.
If you wanna be good doctors and nurses, you'd damn sure better get ready to get in trouble a lot, because patients are stupid and they are really scared.
Some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should.
Others need you to kick their asses, and you should do that too.
It comes down to whether you have the guts to say what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say So, Ted, how's Professor Cox doing? Excellent, sir.
You know what else? - I quit.
- No, you don't.
Well, I'm leaving early.
No, you're coming to my office and doing busy work.
Fine, but I'm getting a soda first.
Whatever.
- Doctor - Janitor.
- What's that smell? - I don't know.
Although it smells a little bit like the truth.
My poor wife slaved over these.
She just cut off a pair of scrubs and hemmed the bottom.
- What's the big deal? - What's the big deal? The Lord didn't bless my wife with all ten fingers.
She's only got pointer and thumb-pinky.
Look, I'm sorry, OK, for so many things.
But I'm a doctor.
I can't really wear shorts to work.
- You can't wear shorts to work? - Nope.
- You can't wear shorts to work? - Not allowed.
Thanks.
What's up with the man-thong? Oh, nothing, I'm just trying to mend some fences.
Do you think Elliot's somewhere right now, crying her eyes out? Oh, without a doubt.
But not about me.
I kinda made all that stuff up.
It just seems like you and I only really click when something crazy's going on.
I guess I don't really wanna be in a relationship like that.
- Is that an ultimatum? - No, Jamie.
No, it's not an ultimatum.
It's just something to think about.
Oh, shoot, I gotta go.
- You guys are having problems? - Yeah.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Well, it's just not a wedding without a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, is it? - Are you ready, sweetie? - Since the day I met you.
Sometimes it takes a priest to keep you from making a big mistake.
Christopher, before we begin, remind me of the bride's name.
Carla.
I know it's silly and it's only for one day, but since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was have a big, beautiful wedding.
- Baby, you don't wanna do this.
- What? Since your mother passed, you've been feeling lonely and like you don't have any family.
I'm your family now, whether we do it like this or we wait and do it like you've always wanted to.
Holy cow, talk about your gigantic time wasters.
Tell me about it.
Lighten up, slut! What now? I think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen.
Or by the little ones that do.
That's the stuff.
But once you get past the drama it's actually pretty simple.
All we have to do is whatever it takes to make her happy.
- Y eah.
- Y eah.