That '70s Show s02e21 Episode Script
Kelso's Serenade
Donna have you noticed that every time we do
what we just did, it is always fun? Eric you're so cute.
Oww, oww.
Donna I think by cute you mean ruggedly handsome.
You read my mind Eric.
Oh yeah that's the other thing after we do that thing I don't really feel like an Eric.
really.
Uh yeah, I think I feel more like a Stan or a Chuck or a, a Maverick.
Do you want to go to a movie tomorrow Maverick? Oh uh, I told Kelso and Fez I'd hang out with them.
Really .
Oh.
Hey but uh, you can come too if you want.
No that's ok.
Uh really, you should come No you go, have fun.
Are you sure? Sure, it's not big deal.
Ok, cool.
Swedish pancakes? What's the catch? Oh no catch, eat them while they're hot, there's plenty.
Wow, this is a real treat Mrs.
Forman.
Psst, careful Steven, there's always a string attached to Swedish pancakes, trust me.
Mom you only make Swedish pancakes when something horrible is about to happen.
Does someone have cancer? No, no, no.
No one has horrible cancer.
Now let's just sit down as a family and enjoy our special pancakes.
Gotcha! We're all going to the nursing home to visit Aunt Pearl.
Isn't she dead yet? Laurie! Well she is old so, maybe we should call ahead.
Red, can you believe this family? Well, the Bucs are playing the Celtics.
Oh come on.
All I'm asking is for a quick visit.
Real quick.
Quick, quick, quick.
Say kids how bout a nice trip to old Aunt Pearl's? Hey! Thank you Red.
I don't have to go, do I? I've already been to see her three times this year.
Uh yeah, and I'm a virgin.
God I miss Jackie.
I can't sleep, I can't think, I can still eat, but I mean my life has no meaning.
I'm dead inside.
Oh, so that's what smells.
Yeah Mr.
Brokenheart, when was the last time you took a bath man? Woo, you're getting gamey.
Man, I am so glad Donna's not Jackie, but I'll tell you what, I'm even more glad I'm not you.
No offense.
I gotta win Jackie back.
I got it! I'll write her a song.
Maybe the best way to get Jackie back is to let her date other people foreign exchange people.
No man, I think a song is a really great idea.
How bout this one You don't love me anymore.
Caught me cheatin with a whore.
See cause Laurie's the whore, you get it? Yeah, my sister is such a whore.
Yeah, I'm gonna write Jackie a song.
I gotta win her back because I can't stop the tears man.
Kelso, we've been over this there's, no crying in the circle.
And then Eric says, You can come if you want.
if you want? Ouch.
Right? I don't know, I think he's sorta taking me for granted.
Ahh I don't know, maybe I'm just overreacting.
No Donna, you're underreacting.
All men take all women for granted all the time.
Jackie .
.
Save yourself the heartache Donna.
Break up with Eric now before it's too late.
Then we can be single girls together! Oohh, we could take a cruise! I don't know.
I'm just worried.
I mean if he's acting like this now imagine what would happen if we got married or something.
Gloria I just looked at her.
She was just giving me change.
No, Michael it wasn't a look is was a looook.
Oh my, please don't fight, your father will be home any minute.
Wow Ma, you're all dressed up.
Oh yeah, your father's taking me out tonight.
Well good for you ma, you deserve a night out.
Well ho, ho, ho and whoopdy doo, I'm home.
Oh hi Archie! Oh geez Edith, no time for the kisses there, the fight's about to start.
But Daddy, you told Ma you were taking her out tonight.
That's true Arch.
Shut up you Meathead you! Well if you ask my opinion, maybe you just forgot.
Ahh geez Edith there, I didn't forget nothin' so get me a beer and stifle it.
Oh my.
.
Oh my god Jackie, what am I gonna do? I don't know Donna, I just don't know.
Oh hi Mr.
Forman.
Go talk on your own damn porch! So you been playing much bingo Pearl? Pearl : Oh for god sakes Kitty, I ate your damn pudding so go! Laurie, say something nice.
Finesomething nice.
Pearl : That's my magazine.
Nobody needs to see that.
Pearl : Get out! You know it's weird, I though that after me and Michael broke up I wouldn't want to hang out here anymore.
Yup, that's what we're hoping.
But I think if I left you'd really miss me.
Right? I umm suppose that, you know it's important when you have uh a bad breakup that you uh have friends to uh sympathetic uh stuff umm support and uhh I don't know.
Right, so let's go to the mall.
No uh I meant friends like Donna or not me.
But I noticed you're alone a lot and I'm alone a lot, so let's be alone together.
Look, we're alone right now.
That's not really a very good reason for us to Wait.
Let's go to Sizzler.
They've got a salad bar, it's all you can eat plus five different colors of Jello.
I'll buy.
You've been through a rough time, let's go.
Song for Jackie by Michael Kelso You may think this song is stupid So I made a call to cupid And he told me to put my heart out on my sleeve So we can retrieve Our love from the trash, trash, trash What do you think? Well, I think that you should draw her a picture.
Hey pal, you think you're funny? Well someday Donna's gonna crush your stupid little heart too.
Yeah see I don't think so because I've taken special precautions to prevent that very thing from happening.
For instance, I don't sleep with other women Yeah, well it's only because you're chicken.
Hey.
Hey baby, let's say you grab papa a root beer, huh? Oh my god.
I cannot look.
Listen you worm, I am not your slave or your waitress or your maid, now don't get all Archie Bunkery on me or I will kick your ass to the moon! Hey Eric, what rhymes with Donna? I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me down right coerced me Hey, that's kinda good.
Man, I just asked her for a root beer.
You try to control her Eric and the woman always controls the man.
That's true.
Donna does not control me! Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Yeah, I wish Jackie was still controlling me.
I love being on a short leash Put the short leash back on me!!! Kelso, uh let me see that for a second You know that was kinda funny.
That was your guitar.
BURN!! Hyde, those boots look really nice on you.
You know Jackie, you buying me boots was just wrong, shoulda let me shoplift them.
No Hyde, I want you to have them.
Besides, I'm saving a fortune now that I don't have to feed and clothe Michael.
Well, if you insist.
I do.
So I was thinking tomorrow night we should you know .
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ok alright come on now Jackie, this was a one time only thing alright? And if you're trying to bribe me with these boots you can just take them back.
I see.
Oh what are you going to do now, cry? Oh man, you're crying .
Hey Jackie, come on man, it's going to be fine ok? This whole thing is going to be fine alright? No!! Bad Jackie! But Hyde, I thought we agreed that you were alone and I was alone Jackie I'm trying to help you out here, so you've gotta just listen to me.
You have to know that you can do better than Kelso.
But what if I never find anybody else? Oh you will man, you'll find somebody great.
See I myself don't like you, I find you abrasive, but if I didn't know you and I'd never talked to you, I'd think you were totally hot.
Thank you Hyde.
Anything for you doll.
Pearl honey, please come out.
Laurie, she kinda likes you, do something.
Aunt Pearl why don't you come out and you can show me your damn scrapbooks again.
Pearl : Every time you people come I gotta get dressed and put my teeth in and you're not worth it so get lost! Now can we go? No.
Ok fine, I give up.
Let's just go.
I just hope when I get old someone comes to visit me.
Don't be ridiculous Mom, Eric will come.
Well I'm gonna go warm the car up.
No Laurie, this is important to your mother, so sit down.
Come on Pearl, there's a Bucs game on! Pearl : The Bucs huh? Well now see, this is nice.
Pearl : The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! Go Bucks.
Michael, I don't want to talk to you! No you're right ok because words don't do it.
That's why I wrote this song.
Oh god.
Jackie please take me backie - I'll get the knack see - Ok Michael, stop.
Michael Stop Yes please Kelso, stop.
I cannot take this anymore.
This is how you serenade a woman.
Bessame, besssame mucho come si fuera esta noche la ultima bess What are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? Ummm, this is my school song from back home I don't know Hey what's going on? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Thank you Hyde for tonight, it was very special.
Isn't she nice? Hey fellas, you like my new boots? And then Eric says to Donna I cannot go out with you because I am going out with the guys.
Oh geez.
What? I don't think that's the problem.
No, What's His Name Is Right, that's the problem.
Look, I don't think I did anything wrong.
I'm not going to apologize to Donna.
Oh yeah? What? Why? Here's the thing, you're assuming that you're good enough for Donna and you're not.
Yes I am.
No you're not, just like I'm not good enough for your mother.
Ok well yeah that's true.
Hey, watch it.
I'm trying to help you out here.
Ok yes sir.
Look, do you really think I wanted to spend the whole damn day sitting in a room with a woman who hates the Bucs and smells like cabbage? Well I didn't, but that's the price you pay son.
Now you go call Donna before she realizes how much better off she is without you.
Go on now, go! Go!! You heard him, go! But what about Blah, blah, blah make the call little man.
Listen Donna No, wait.
I've been thinking about you know what happened and I realize I might have overreacted.
It's just I'm a little vulnerable now that our relationship has matured.
Donna, no apology necessary.
I welcome your insane behavior and criticism.
Don't be a jerk Eric.
No no, I'm actually, I'm being serious.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together.
Whatever it takes, it's worth it.
Well, thank you.
So uh, for future reference, do I have to ask you before I go out with my friends? No yes sometimes.
So uh, how will I know which times.
Well you'll know afterward when I get mad.
Ok so uh is there a umm, you know, maybe a better system than that.
No, I can't really think of one, no.
Ok, fair enough.
I'm really sorry.
Me too.
So uh, I blew off the guys tonight to hang out with you.
So my calendar is wide open.
I'm here for you Donna.
Oh, that's too bad.
I'm hanging out with Jackie.
You can come if you want.
Hahaha, that's really not funny.
Oww, oww.
Donna I think by cute you mean ruggedly handsome.
You read my mind Eric.
Oh yeah that's the other thing after we do that thing I don't really feel like an Eric.
really.
Uh yeah, I think I feel more like a Stan or a Chuck or a, a Maverick.
Do you want to go to a movie tomorrow Maverick? Oh uh, I told Kelso and Fez I'd hang out with them.
Really .
Oh.
Hey but uh, you can come too if you want.
No that's ok.
Uh really, you should come No you go, have fun.
Are you sure? Sure, it's not big deal.
Ok, cool.
Swedish pancakes? What's the catch? Oh no catch, eat them while they're hot, there's plenty.
Wow, this is a real treat Mrs.
Forman.
Psst, careful Steven, there's always a string attached to Swedish pancakes, trust me.
Mom you only make Swedish pancakes when something horrible is about to happen.
Does someone have cancer? No, no, no.
No one has horrible cancer.
Now let's just sit down as a family and enjoy our special pancakes.
Gotcha! We're all going to the nursing home to visit Aunt Pearl.
Isn't she dead yet? Laurie! Well she is old so, maybe we should call ahead.
Red, can you believe this family? Well, the Bucs are playing the Celtics.
Oh come on.
All I'm asking is for a quick visit.
Real quick.
Quick, quick, quick.
Say kids how bout a nice trip to old Aunt Pearl's? Hey! Thank you Red.
I don't have to go, do I? I've already been to see her three times this year.
Uh yeah, and I'm a virgin.
God I miss Jackie.
I can't sleep, I can't think, I can still eat, but I mean my life has no meaning.
I'm dead inside.
Oh, so that's what smells.
Yeah Mr.
Brokenheart, when was the last time you took a bath man? Woo, you're getting gamey.
Man, I am so glad Donna's not Jackie, but I'll tell you what, I'm even more glad I'm not you.
No offense.
I gotta win Jackie back.
I got it! I'll write her a song.
Maybe the best way to get Jackie back is to let her date other people foreign exchange people.
No man, I think a song is a really great idea.
How bout this one You don't love me anymore.
Caught me cheatin with a whore.
See cause Laurie's the whore, you get it? Yeah, my sister is such a whore.
Yeah, I'm gonna write Jackie a song.
I gotta win her back because I can't stop the tears man.
Kelso, we've been over this there's, no crying in the circle.
And then Eric says, You can come if you want.
if you want? Ouch.
Right? I don't know, I think he's sorta taking me for granted.
Ahh I don't know, maybe I'm just overreacting.
No Donna, you're underreacting.
All men take all women for granted all the time.
Jackie .
.
Save yourself the heartache Donna.
Break up with Eric now before it's too late.
Then we can be single girls together! Oohh, we could take a cruise! I don't know.
I'm just worried.
I mean if he's acting like this now imagine what would happen if we got married or something.
Gloria I just looked at her.
She was just giving me change.
No, Michael it wasn't a look is was a looook.
Oh my, please don't fight, your father will be home any minute.
Wow Ma, you're all dressed up.
Oh yeah, your father's taking me out tonight.
Well good for you ma, you deserve a night out.
Well ho, ho, ho and whoopdy doo, I'm home.
Oh hi Archie! Oh geez Edith, no time for the kisses there, the fight's about to start.
But Daddy, you told Ma you were taking her out tonight.
That's true Arch.
Shut up you Meathead you! Well if you ask my opinion, maybe you just forgot.
Ahh geez Edith there, I didn't forget nothin' so get me a beer and stifle it.
Oh my.
.
Oh my god Jackie, what am I gonna do? I don't know Donna, I just don't know.
Oh hi Mr.
Forman.
Go talk on your own damn porch! So you been playing much bingo Pearl? Pearl : Oh for god sakes Kitty, I ate your damn pudding so go! Laurie, say something nice.
Finesomething nice.
Pearl : That's my magazine.
Nobody needs to see that.
Pearl : Get out! You know it's weird, I though that after me and Michael broke up I wouldn't want to hang out here anymore.
Yup, that's what we're hoping.
But I think if I left you'd really miss me.
Right? I umm suppose that, you know it's important when you have uh a bad breakup that you uh have friends to uh sympathetic uh stuff umm support and uhh I don't know.
Right, so let's go to the mall.
No uh I meant friends like Donna or not me.
But I noticed you're alone a lot and I'm alone a lot, so let's be alone together.
Look, we're alone right now.
That's not really a very good reason for us to Wait.
Let's go to Sizzler.
They've got a salad bar, it's all you can eat plus five different colors of Jello.
I'll buy.
You've been through a rough time, let's go.
Song for Jackie by Michael Kelso You may think this song is stupid So I made a call to cupid And he told me to put my heart out on my sleeve So we can retrieve Our love from the trash, trash, trash What do you think? Well, I think that you should draw her a picture.
Hey pal, you think you're funny? Well someday Donna's gonna crush your stupid little heart too.
Yeah see I don't think so because I've taken special precautions to prevent that very thing from happening.
For instance, I don't sleep with other women Yeah, well it's only because you're chicken.
Hey.
Hey baby, let's say you grab papa a root beer, huh? Oh my god.
I cannot look.
Listen you worm, I am not your slave or your waitress or your maid, now don't get all Archie Bunkery on me or I will kick your ass to the moon! Hey Eric, what rhymes with Donna? I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me down right coerced me Hey, that's kinda good.
Man, I just asked her for a root beer.
You try to control her Eric and the woman always controls the man.
That's true.
Donna does not control me! Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Yeah, I wish Jackie was still controlling me.
I love being on a short leash Put the short leash back on me!!! Kelso, uh let me see that for a second You know that was kinda funny.
That was your guitar.
BURN!! Hyde, those boots look really nice on you.
You know Jackie, you buying me boots was just wrong, shoulda let me shoplift them.
No Hyde, I want you to have them.
Besides, I'm saving a fortune now that I don't have to feed and clothe Michael.
Well, if you insist.
I do.
So I was thinking tomorrow night we should you know .
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ok alright come on now Jackie, this was a one time only thing alright? And if you're trying to bribe me with these boots you can just take them back.
I see.
Oh what are you going to do now, cry? Oh man, you're crying .
Hey Jackie, come on man, it's going to be fine ok? This whole thing is going to be fine alright? No!! Bad Jackie! But Hyde, I thought we agreed that you were alone and I was alone Jackie I'm trying to help you out here, so you've gotta just listen to me.
You have to know that you can do better than Kelso.
But what if I never find anybody else? Oh you will man, you'll find somebody great.
See I myself don't like you, I find you abrasive, but if I didn't know you and I'd never talked to you, I'd think you were totally hot.
Thank you Hyde.
Anything for you doll.
Pearl honey, please come out.
Laurie, she kinda likes you, do something.
Aunt Pearl why don't you come out and you can show me your damn scrapbooks again.
Pearl : Every time you people come I gotta get dressed and put my teeth in and you're not worth it so get lost! Now can we go? No.
Ok fine, I give up.
Let's just go.
I just hope when I get old someone comes to visit me.
Don't be ridiculous Mom, Eric will come.
Well I'm gonna go warm the car up.
No Laurie, this is important to your mother, so sit down.
Come on Pearl, there's a Bucs game on! Pearl : The Bucs huh? Well now see, this is nice.
Pearl : The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! Go Bucks.
Michael, I don't want to talk to you! No you're right ok because words don't do it.
That's why I wrote this song.
Oh god.
Jackie please take me backie - I'll get the knack see - Ok Michael, stop.
Michael Stop Yes please Kelso, stop.
I cannot take this anymore.
This is how you serenade a woman.
Bessame, besssame mucho come si fuera esta noche la ultima bess What are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? Ummm, this is my school song from back home I don't know Hey what's going on? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Thank you Hyde for tonight, it was very special.
Isn't she nice? Hey fellas, you like my new boots? And then Eric says to Donna I cannot go out with you because I am going out with the guys.
Oh geez.
What? I don't think that's the problem.
No, What's His Name Is Right, that's the problem.
Look, I don't think I did anything wrong.
I'm not going to apologize to Donna.
Oh yeah? What? Why? Here's the thing, you're assuming that you're good enough for Donna and you're not.
Yes I am.
No you're not, just like I'm not good enough for your mother.
Ok well yeah that's true.
Hey, watch it.
I'm trying to help you out here.
Ok yes sir.
Look, do you really think I wanted to spend the whole damn day sitting in a room with a woman who hates the Bucs and smells like cabbage? Well I didn't, but that's the price you pay son.
Now you go call Donna before she realizes how much better off she is without you.
Go on now, go! Go!! You heard him, go! But what about Blah, blah, blah make the call little man.
Listen Donna No, wait.
I've been thinking about you know what happened and I realize I might have overreacted.
It's just I'm a little vulnerable now that our relationship has matured.
Donna, no apology necessary.
I welcome your insane behavior and criticism.
Don't be a jerk Eric.
No no, I'm actually, I'm being serious.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together.
Whatever it takes, it's worth it.
Well, thank you.
So uh, for future reference, do I have to ask you before I go out with my friends? No yes sometimes.
So uh, how will I know which times.
Well you'll know afterward when I get mad.
Ok so uh is there a umm, you know, maybe a better system than that.
No, I can't really think of one, no.
Ok, fair enough.
I'm really sorry.
Me too.
So uh, I blew off the guys tonight to hang out with you.
So my calendar is wide open.
I'm here for you Donna.
Oh, that's too bad.
I'm hanging out with Jackie.
You can come if you want.
Hahaha, that's really not funny.