The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e21 Episode Script

Hey, Drew, how was your
ride home last night?
Well, first, I thought the
potato you put in my tailpipe
was the trick, but then..
I thought it was the
Krazy Glue on the accelerator.
Then, I thought it was the dead
fish you put underneath my seat.
Then I realized that,thatwas
only there to feed the raccoon.
Okay, so how was your ride home?
Well, after a brief
struggle with the raccoon
over control of the car,
which I won..
and after another fight over
the fish, which I also won
I went home, had
a nice grilled trout dinner
and a series of shots.
Thank you very much.
You have to admit, the raccoon
and the fish were genius.
Yeah, well, next to you, any
small-brained animal's a genius.
You're just jealous
'cause I'm the master!
I'd have you bow down
to me if I thought
you had a waist to bend at.
Hey, bagel man,
where's the fire?
Hey, uh, Mimi,
you mind if I borrow
some of your squeeze margarine?
(Mimi)
Go get your own, pig!
[thuds]
Um-num-num-num-num.
Um! Num-nummy-num-num.
Ho-ho-um!
Oho-um-nummy-num.
Num! Um-num-mmm..
Mmmm. Argh.
[spits and groans]
Dah! Ah!
Ooh, what was on there?
I'll give you a hint.
Eat. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
[Mimi groans]
Drew, I need you
to put on this blindfold.
Hey,about time we got over
this whole platonic thing.
Yeah, it would take a blindfold
to get over this platonic thing.
[bottle hisses]
Now, tastethis.
Wow! A blindfold
and the words, "taste this."
What could possibly go wrong?
[clicks tongue]
Coffee? Beer?
Buzz Beer.
"Cap-Beer-Cino?"
What the hell is this?
It's a microbrewery started up
by some guys in Shaker Heights.
You know what I think?
I think they stole our idea.
Oh, my God. It tastes just like
Buzz Beer. They ripped us off!
- See?
- We can't afford competition.
We're barely breaking
even as a monopoly.
Carey, I need those files with
the employee health benefits.
Yes, sir. Right away.
Oh, good Lord, man!
It's nine o'clock
in the morning.
You're already half in the bag!
Have you been drinking?
No, sir. I haven't
been drinking at all.
[belches]
I'm sorry that was, uh,
beer battered shrimp.
Uh, Mr. Wick, in Drew's defense
I've seen him way drunker than
this much earlier in the day.
Carey, call yourself a cab
and go home immediately.
Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.
I'm perfectly sober.
I'm not drunk. I haven't
been drinking at all.
Um, why don't you
give him a chance, sir?
Ask him to walk a straight line.
Alright, then.
Let's see it.
- Please be careful, Drew.
- Pfft.
[thuds]
I think he
swallowed his tongue.
I'd better give him
the Heimlich.
[The Vogues singing
"Five O'clock World"]
Up every morning
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustling mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's
a five o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And there's a five o'clock
me inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that
the world looks fine yeah ♪
Holiday ♪
Hey ♪
Ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chattering]
How did you guys get
all this stuff in one load?
Usually, you gotta make
two or three trips.
Well, we got
a great deal on a used truck.
No other coffee-beer company's
gonna be able to deliver
their beer any
faster or better than we can.
Yeah. It's a refrigerated
truck, too.
It's so cold in the back,
Oswald made a frozen sneeze.
You should see it.
It's just hangin' there.
Hey, how you doin'?
I'm Chris Vanderkamp,
owner of Cap-Beer-Cino.
I'm lookin' for someone
who does the buying here.
I do a lot of buying here.
Welcome to Drew's.
Cap-Beer-Cino, huh?
Coffee-flavored beer.
Where'd you ever come up
with an idea like this?
Well, it's an interesting story.
You know what
a eureka moment is?
Yeah.
I was drinking
a bottle of Buzz Beer
and I said,
"Eureka! I can duplicate this."
[laughing]
I'm havin' a eureka
moment right now.
[banging]
Eureka! There's a club
behind the bar!
You ripped me off!
I'm-I'm Drew Carey.
I'm one of
the owners of Buzz Beer.
Wow. I always thought it
might be a little uncomfortable
meeting you, but it's not.
Because, my lawyer said
there's nothing you can do.
Ours says cappuccino,
not coffee.
[scoffs]
Oh, so you rip me off.
You think you can come in here
and sell your beer
in my neighborhood bar?
Well, let me tell you
something here, buddy.
Nobody around here is
gonna be buying that stuff.
If we want some with
cappuccino
then we'll go to..
We-we don't know where
we're gonna go, we don't care.
But we're not gonna drink it
around here, that's for sure.
So thanks for stopping by.
Well, I don't
know about that.
Why don't we let these
two customers decide?
See if they'll buy.
Okay, fine.
Uh, excuse me, strangers.
This is Mr. Vanderkamp.
He has a new beer
he'd like you to try.
Well, I don't know,
I feel kinda funny
taking something from a guy
I've never seen before
and another guy
I'vereallynever seen before.
Okay. We'll give it a shot.
That isif we know each other.
We do know
each other, don't we?
Just drinkitsir.
Mm. It's not bad.
[laughs]
That's Cap-Beer-Cino.
It's the new competition
for Buzz Beer.
Oh.
Well, it's malty, nutty..
yet, I'm completely blind!
Oh, no.
- Ah!
- He can't see anything.
Hey, guys..
from Buzz Beer.
Hey, Buzz Beer guys?
Hey! Buzz Beer guys.
Uh, you want us
to give a message
to the Buzz Beer guys?
Oh, this is too good.
You're the brains
of the operation?
- Ha-ha-ha.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
Violence never
solved anything.
Oh, yeah?
World War I, World War II.
"Star Wars," every Super Bowl.
Who said violence
never solved anything?
Drew, Drew, Drew.
Can we stop pretending
to hold you now?
Alright. I may not be able
to stop you from selling
your beer around here, but let
me tell you something, pal.
You're in for a fight.
Because we got a truck now
and everybody's gonna
know we're coming.
Yeah.
[instrumental
"Pop Goes The Weasel"]
Hey, this isn't
so bad, huh?
We should've bought
a truck a long time ago.
Yeah. Like, 80 years ago,
when it was new.
Hey, I think we're lucky.
Who would've thought
an ice cream truck
would've been so cheap?
We're driving
in our beer truck ♪
Delivering our be-er ♪
We'll bring
our beer to everyone ♪
Please stop the music ♪♪
Uh-oh. We're headed into
another school zone.
Battle positions, everyone.
[music continues]
It's that music. It's like
a magnet for these kids.
Doesn't anyone know
how to shut it off?
Oh, yeah. I do.
I just chose to listen to it
for the last three hours.
How does it go again?
Dum-dum-da-da-dum.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
Oh, my God!
The Little League
game just ended.
We've got
six 10-speeds on our tail
and they've got bats!
Ah!
We're not an ice cream truck!
We don't have any ice cream!
We only got beer!
Oh, God! They're peddling
running faster!
[glasses shattering]
Thermostat is stuck,
all the beer is blowing out
from the cold.
We've got over
200 cases back there
we can't afford to lose that.
Hey, the kids are
falling back.
I think they think
we're shooting at them.
There's a cop
maybe he can help us.
- Oswald.
- Huh?
We are now driving
in a giant open container!
Oh! Oh! This is great!
We buy a truck
and it breaks down the next day.
I guess the odometer said
a million and one miles.
We bought a 11.
We have to take it back.
Oh, we're losing
our entire inventory.
Our new truck is screwed up.
At least things
couldn't get any worse.
[music repeating]
Alright, that's it.
I'm taking her into the river.
[tires screeching]
No!
[instrumental music]
I can't believe the guy at
the dealership wouldn't fix
the refrigeration unit 'cause it
wasn't covered under a warranty.
Well, let this
be a lesson to us.
Never sign a warranty
that's written
on the back of a subpoena.
I hope Lewis and Oswald
gave those guys
a piece of their mind.
Man, this really ticks me off.
I know what happened.
They saw you
walk in the door and thought
"Now there's a sucker.
What a pathetic hub!
"I can't wait to take
advantage of this
"big, clueless moron
with the dweeby glasses
and this stupid hair--"
Kate!
- Oh, yeah. You do have a point.
- Yeah.
Hey.
You're one of our
main Buzz Beer guys.
Why are you
drinking cappuccino?
Supermodel Rachel Hunter
she drinks this beer.
So if I drink it,
she'll like me.
Rachel Hunter wouldn't like you
if you were made out of gold.
Besides, who needs
supermodels anyway?
Now, Buzz Beer is the beer
of attainable women.
Hey! We have a new slogan.
No. No, we don't.
Hey, I'll tell you a slogan.
Cap-Beer-Cino.
The beer of beautiful people.
Oh, yeah? Well, if you're gonna
be one of the beautiful people
you'd better get rid of that
flabby guy suit you're wearing.
Oh, would you look at this?
It's a Cap-Beer-Cino invasion.
Like, she really
drinks Cap-Beer-Cino.
I do drink Cap-Beer-Cino.
Wow. It's Rachel Hunter.
Hey, listen, uh..
if you never got
my letters I'm, uh..
I'm sleepless
and hungry in Cleveland.
That's-that's not
Rachel Hunter, it can't be.
It is Rachel Hunter,
I know Rachel Hunter
like the back
of my handkinda.
Hi, Rachel.
Um, we made Buzz Beer.
We don't have
a lot of money.
We don't have
an advertising budget
but I'm still
gonna try to compete
with Cap-Beer-Cino
for your endorsement.
Now, let's both
write down a number
that we think
is reasonable
and see how far off
we are. Okay?
- Okay.
- Alright.
Time'sup!
Pencils down, people!
Could I have some
more paper, please?
Alright, you made your point.
[Oswald sighs]
Hey, Drew.
Do I get to work
with these guys?
'Causethatwould
changeeverything.
We got blown off
by asupermodel!
(Lewis)
Who-hoo!
Hey, so how'd it go?
How did the protest go?
I'm, uh, guessing
it was hot outside
'cause the words, "lemon fresh"
really don't apply here, buddy.
Hey, give us a break. We spent
six hours in the hot sun.
Well, what did the guy
at the dealership say?
Well, uh, first
he tried to ignore us
but, you know,
you can only ignore
two giant lemons for so long.
Especially, when Oswald fell
on his back and couldn't get up.
Yeah, then the heat got to us,
we started throwin' up.
Yeah, before you know it,
you got two guys in lemon suits
rollin' around their
backs, throwin' up.
At that point,
you're not selling any trucks.
- No.
- So anyway..
He caved in and he's
fixing the refrigeration unit.
We'll have the truck
tomorrow morning.
[cheering]
Here's the kicker, Drew.
This is what was
screwing up the thermostat.
Oh, my God.
It's a Cap-Beer-Cino bottle cap.
Those creeps
sabotaged our truck.
I got a good mind to-
hey, I won a large fry.
I know what we should do,
we should start spreading
ugly rumors about that beer.
We'll say,
if you drink it backwards..
there's a satanic message.
Oh, man. They're from
Shaker Heights, they're rich.
They got money,
lawyers, Rachel Hunter.
What do you mean Cap-Beer-Cino
makes you impotent?
No, no, no, that's Buzz Beer.
I heard it this morning from
the Cap-Beer-Cino distributor.
Oh, well, that's it!
They can come in here
and slur my name.
They can take away our company.
But when they blame
my occasional reluctance..
If I had any, which Idon't..
on Buzz Beer and not some
freaking industrial accident
well, then they've gone too far!
He-he. You're right.
We gotta hit 'em where it hurts.
- Yes!
- Hey, I got it.
You know, what's really
gonna hurt those guys
in their home turf?
They can come in here
and sell their beer.
We'll go over to their
ritzy neighborhood
and we'll shove Buzz Beer
down those people's throats.
Hey, we got a new slogan.
No, we don't.
[instrumental music]
Oh, man. There's nothing
like the smell of
fresh made donuts.
Come here, uh,
let me help you with those.
Go away, pig!
Come on, Mimi. Just one donut.
One stinkin' donut.
Okay, tell you what,
I'll let you smell 'em.
Ah!
- Carey, I-
- Oh, sure.
It's fun for an hour, but..
I don't wanna
do it with you, Drew.
Good God!
First the drink,
now the nose candy.
Oh! It's not
what you think, sir.
Although, I do call
it nose candy. Ha-ha-ha.
Carey, we have programs covered
by your medical benefits.
We can get you
the help you need.
Mr. Wick, I'm not a drug..
Wait a second.
Are these, uh, paid days off?
Wait-what am I sayin'?
Listen, let me put it this way.
Isn't cocaine supposed
to be an appetite suppressant?
Enough said.
[beat boxing]
Alright, alright. You can
wear the clothes tonight.
But first thing in the morning
you're getting those
naked rich people
out of your trunk.
Hey, we're gonna be selling
our beer in Shaker Heights.
It's a pretty fancy area.
We thought we'd better fit in.
Well, how'd you
pay for this stuff?
An extremely liberal
return policy.
Which will probably
be revoked tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. And don't worry.
We're still ourselves.
Under all this
is a pair of underwear
that says "Home of the whopper."
Oswald, those werea gaggift.
Yeah, well,
when you get to the bottom
of the drawer, jokes over.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
- Whoa.
- Wow!
- Whoa.
- Look at this room.
It's like a home for
the guys who never called.
Yeah.
And look at all the women!
And none of 'em
have an ugly friend.
How are you supposed
to start a conversation
without the ugly friend?
- I don't know.
- 'Uh, excuse me.'
You-you can't bring
a six-pack in here, but, uh..
I'll be glad to keep it
for you behind the bar.
Oh, buddy,
when I'm done talking to you
not only will you
keep it behind the bar
you'll keep it on tap.
[chuckles]
Let me guess,
you're a salesman.
Actually,
we're a small consortium
representing
the owners of Buzz Beer
who wish to remain anonymous
due to their standing
in high society.
Excuse me.
Are these nuts free?
Uh, yes they are.
Help-help yourself.
You know, isn't this the,
uh, Cap-Beer-Cino knockoff?
Excuse me. No matter
how many we take?
Well, uh, within reason.
Yeah. Ha ha.
Let me tell you
a little bit about Buzz Beer.
Like our slogan, "Buzz Beer,
friend of the urethra."
When did we start
putting that on the label?
Oswald and I have been putting
new slogans
on the bottles every month.
It makes it more
exciting to buy.
"Buzz Beer, happy birthday, mom.
Love Oswald."
Well, it's the only
card I knew she'd read.
Let me tell you about our
aggressive promotional campaign.
When Buzz Beer started out
we promoted it
as the working man's beer.
But what we're aiming at now
is the upscale market.
The cognac crowd,
the brandy bunch.
You know, the people that would
not let you into the ski club
'cause you had
homemade snow pants!
So, what's the campaign?
- Well, I'll tell you.
- Yeah. Hah.
We took the word, "Buzz,"
which just used to mean
how you feel after
you've had a few beers.
But now it means,
"What's the buzz?"
The buzz is everywhere,
and the buzz is good.
(all)
It's good. Yeah.
- That's our campaign.
- Uh-huh.
What's the buzz on Wall Street?
- Oh! Oh!
- What's the buzz in Paris?
I'll tell you what
the buzz is. The buzz is good.
- It's good!
- 'Yeah.'
[chuckles]
I'll, uh, have
to think about it.
[chuckles]
Hey, it's my Buzz Beer buddies.
How are you doin'?
What areyoudoin' here?
Oh, this is my bar.
This is whereIhang out.
This is where
Cap-Beer-Cino was born.
You mean, stolen, don't you?
Let me tell you
something else, bean pole.
You're gonna pay
for sabotaging our truck.
I've never even
been near your truck.
[humming "Pop Goes the Weasel"]
[pops]
[humming "Pop Goes the Weasel"]
You bastard.
I think you people should leave.
Oh, yeah?
- Maybe we don't wanna leave.
- Yeah.
Maybe we just wanna stand here
and lower the per
capita income of the room.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You're also
lowering the floor, tubby.
Alright, come on. Drew?
Drew, don't say a word.
No, no. Drew?
You know what,
they might have loads of money
and their fancy bars
but we got one thing
that they'll never have.
- No class!
- That's right.
[Chris grunting]
[clamoring]
[instrumental music]
[cheering]
Man, last night was the best bar
fight I've ever been in my life.
I wish, we would have
sold one case of beer though.
But we did, Drew.
We sold a case.
We sold a big ol'
case of whoop ass.
- Whoo!
- Ha-ha.
It's good to
be home though, huh?
God bless The Warsaw.
Hey, Joe, four Buzz Beers.
We don't carry
Buzz Beer anymore.
What?
The Cap-Beer-Cino guys
got this new promotion.
They're giving away
25 free trips to Tahiti.
Now, everybody
wants Cap-Beer-Cino.
Same old story.
The rich popular kids win.
Oh, the hell they do.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
I'm Drew Carey. I'm one
of the owners of Buzz Beer.
Now-now something's
really wrong here.
Uh, look at what-
look at what you're drinking.
We're drinking
what Rachel drinks.
What? Come on.
What's wrong with you guys?
You don't need
this pretentious crap.
You're being taken
in by their advertising.
You can't choose a beer based
on a slick advertising campaign.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Look, look.
I won! I won!
He-heh! I'm goin' to Tahiti.
Ha-ha-ha.
So long, losers.
[all cheering]
Hey, whatever happened
to loyalty, huh?
We have a history
with you people.
This is a neighborhood bar.
We're a neighborhood beer.
Frank, when-when your kid had
his college graduation party
and money was a little tight,
who funded you the money
for the kegs of beer, huh?
Buzz Beer. And, Al..
you couldn't get
lucky to save your life.
What beer makes you
more interesting, huh?
Buzz Beer.
Frannie,
when you caught your husband
in bed with your best friend
what beer bottle did
you slam over his head?
Buzz Beer!
Stan, what beer made you
sleep late and get fired, huh?
That's a bad example,
but listen..
what beer did you
cry to the next day?
Buzz Beer.
So what's your beer, huh?
(all)
Buzz Beer!
Wait a minute. Beer is beer.
We get just as drunk on
their beer as we do on yours.
And yours,
we don't get Rachel Hunter.
Hey, forget
Rachel Hunter, alright?
This is a neighborhood bar.
You want a neighborhood girl.
So instead of Rachel Hunter, who
won't even return your letters
believe me, I know..
we're giving away
a free date with Kate.
What?
[cheering and applause]
'Cause Buzz Beer is
the beer of attainable women.
[crowd cheering]
What?
The buzz is everywhere
and the buzz is good!
[cheering continues]
[chanting]
Buzz Beer. Buzz Beer. Buzz Beer.
Okay, lets get this
Cap-Beer-Cino crap outta here.
(all)
Yeah!
Dibs on the cut-out.
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
Okay, I'm almost done.
Has anybody seen us?
No, the coast is clear.
Drew, are you sure this
is absolutely necessary?
Drew, I know, we hate
Cap-Beer-Cino and everything
but I think we went too far.
This is evil.
Hey, listen, they tried
to put us out of business.
They sabotaged our truck. Poor
Oswald could've been killed.
- Yeah, but still.
- Yeah.
Come on, let's
just get outta here.
[instrumental music]