The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e21 Episode Script

- We're going to sleep in tents.
- Yeah.
We get to have a campfire.
And we get to poop off the side of rocks.
Oh, that sounds great.
But listen, darling, you have to remember, that has to stop the minute you get home.
Okay.
- Oh, hey, Mom.
- Yeah.
What if I miss you during the night? Oh, that's no problem.
That's why we have the plan, right? See, you're going to go up on the bus with your class, and then Daddy and Uncle Matthew and Barb and I are going to drive up, and we're going to stay at a motel that's two minutes from the campsite just in case you need us.
Plus, you've got the walkie-talkie, so you can call whenever you want.
Okay, honey, so Mommy's going to be at the Golden Door Spa, but I'll probably be in treatments all day, so that means no phones.
But shoved some extra cash in your sleeping bag, so if there's an emergency, just pay someone to help you.
Are you going to be okay, Mom? Yeah.
I don't have to go.
No, you should go with your friends.
I'll be fine at home.
Daddy's there.
Oh, I love you so much.
I really think you're going to make it this time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I really think you're going to make it this time.
Mom? All right, parents.
Say good-bye to your child and clear the area.
If you've said good-bye, you have no reason to be here.
Let's go.
Campbell, get your buttons in the bus.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, darling.
You're going to do great, sweetie.
Hey, listen, uh, Coach Hammond.
Um, Ritchie's never made it through a sleepover, so if you could keep an eye on him, he's very sensitive.
He also lies about brushing his teeth.
- Miss Campbell? - Yes.
I have been leading this troop successfully for 16 years over the past 18 years.
You have very little to worry about.
All right! Let's go.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, sweetie.
- See ya.
- See ya.
# That's the night when the lights # # went out in Georgia # # That's the night that they hung # # an immigrant ham # You pretty sure you got the words right to that song? Yeah.
I got a knot right in the middle of my back.
Can you see if you can get in there? Oh, you have come to right place.
My mom used to make me rub her feet.
She said I have magic fingers, and called me her little Romeo, and-- I don't want to talk about this anymore.
What are you thinking about? Boy, I don't miss that question.
You thinking about New Christine? What? Well, you haven't heard from her in a month.
You might be a little freaked out.
I'm not freaked out.
We're on a break; it's fine.
Besides, I'm not talking about this with you.
Why? Because you're my ex-wife.
I'm also your friend.
You're not my friend.
What? Come on.
I might even be your best friend.
Come on, say that we're friends.
Why is it so important to you? Because I hate that you say we're not friends-- we are.
Nobody has what we have.
We could write a book about the perfect divorce.
I'm telling you, if we'd gotten divorced earlier, we'd probably still be married.
Oh, God, yeah.
- Right there, that's it.
- Is that it? That's it.
Harder.
Harder.
Don't stop.
Oh yeah.
What happened? Why'd you stop? I had to, my hands hurt, I'm tired.
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
# Georgia Patrol # # were making their rounds # # And they fired a shot # # just to flag him down # # And a pig-bellied sheriff # # grabbed his gum and said # # "Why'd you chew it?" # Sing it.
And here's your second room.
Well, this one smells less like armpit.
No, it's a tie.
Okay, Barb, you and I will take this one, and you guys are next door.
Oh, because it's off-season, we cut back on some of our amenities.
There's no room service, the pool has been drained, and coffee shop's closed.
This is the desert's peak season.
Is it? I don't know.
My mom gave me this motel to keep me busy now that I'm out of rehab.
Oh, hey, listen.
If someone knocks on the door three times quiet and then three more times, don't open it.
Just tell them to go to the manager's office.
I think he's going to make it.
Oh.
I hope there's a blow dryer in the room, 'cause I forgot to bring mine.
I'm going to go check it out.
God, this sucks! No room service, no restaurant.
Richard's hair is going to be all wild and unruly.
I'm starving, too.
I mean, all I've got is an unwrapped piece of gum and an Advil stuck to a penny.
I saw a mini-mart down the highway.
I'm going to go get us some snacks.
Good.
Matthew, go with her.
It's dark out there, and there's coyotes and road runners And rocket-powered roller skates.
She'll be fine.
It's just a couple of miles back.
Matthew, just go with her.
I don't want to be alone with Barb.
Why? Just don't piss her off.
You'll be fine.
It's not that.
Before in the car, I was rubbing her back, and then What? Oh, my God.
What are you telling me? Stuff happened? Yeah.
- Stuff happened? - No! I had an emotion.
A feeling.
I started thinking about her the way I did when I first met her, you know, when you brought her home from college that weekend.
She was sitting beside the above-ground pool, rubbing baby oil all over herself.
Cold water, Larry King, Mom's feet, you.
Cold water, Larry King, Mom's feet, you.
- Cold water, Larry King - Hey! Hey! Hey, cut it out.
Barb is married.
You could do a lot worse than me.
All right, I'm sorry I brought it up.
- So to speak.
- Okay, stop it.
- Control yourself.
- It's hard! - So to speak.
- All right, I'm done.
God.
Damn.
There's no reception up here.
Oh, yeah, that's why I brought walkie-talkies.
Oh.
'Cause you were thinking New Christine might want to call? No, I wasn't thinking that.
God, I'm starving.
Don't they even have a minibar? All right, all right, I got something.
Is it food? I'd say it's either a lime or a testicle.
Ooh.
Give me half.
Ritchie? Hi, honey, it's Mommy.
It's Mommy.
Are you okay, Ritchie? Ms.
Campbell? Lovie? No, it's Coach Hammond.
I found this walkie-talkie in your son's tent.
I'm radioing to tell you I'm confiscating it, and you won't be hearing from him.
Over.
What? If you're done talking, you need to say, "Over.
" Over.
Okay, over.
Um, you know, I'm sorry if I broke the rules, but, um, I'm just really worried about Ritchie.
Like I told you, he's never spent the night away from home, and it's very important to me that he feel safe, and Ms.
Campbell, please, Ritchie is fine.
You'll see him tomorrow afternoon when the trip is over.
Over.
But what if he needs me? Over.
Ritchie isn't the only kid to be a little anxious.
He's not even the only one on this trip.
I see it all the time, especially with the boys raised by overprotective mothers.
Over.
Hey, you know what? I'm not overprotective, okay? Just last week, I lost him at the Farmer's Market, so if anything, I'm under protective.
Over.
He's going to be fine, and he's going to feel proud when he makes it.
We'll see you tomorrow, Ms.
Campbell.
Over.
We came all the way up here for nothing.
I just discovered what smells like armpit.
Oh, no, wait.
That's my armpit.
Man, I cannot get rid of this knot.
Maybe we can pick up some lotion at the mini-mart and you can do me when we get back.
Uh, so how's your husband, Pete? I don't know.
Pete's Pete.
Actually, things aren't going great.
Ever since we've reconciled, things have gotten worse.
He goes out of town every time he gets the chance.
My neck's messed up from sleeping in the guest room.
We haven't had sex in three months.
How's your mom? Pete and I haven't even kissed in over six months.
Which should tell you a little something about what the sex was like three months ago.
Wait, didn't you have a cousin worked at Baskin Robbins? Did I just piss you off? Damn it.
We're out of gas.
Out of gas? How can you be out of gas? Pete usually fills my tank.
As I think I mentioned, Pete hasn't filled my tank in over three months.
God.
Ah.
Relax.
The motel's is not that far-- we can walk back.
Boy God's got a lot of rules.
Did she call? Who? New Christine.
Isn't that why you're checking your messages? I mean, the only other person who calls you is your best friend and I'm right here.
You're not my friend.
I am.
Seriously, this is, like, crazy what you guys are doing.
Call her.
I'll bet she's sitting at home checking her messages every five minutes, too.
How do you know? Because I know women.
And I'll bet if you pick up that phone right now and you call her, she will be thrilled to hear from you.
She said she wanted space.
Nobody wants space.
Believe me, I've had plenty of space.
You know what I filled it up with? Crazy.
So you think I should call her? Absolutely.
I think it would make her feel cared about.
All right, I'll call her.
Really? You're going to take my advice? Yeah.
Makes sense.
Ha! And you know why it makes sense? 'Cause I'm your friend.
I cannot believe they only charge They're nice.
God, my house is a dump.
Hey, Christine.
It's me.
Listen, I just wanted to give you a call and let you know that I miss you.
And I know you said you wanted some space, but What? I don't know what this is, but it ain't no lime.
No.
That's okay.
I guess I thought that Okay, great.
Well, have fun.
See? She was home, waiting by the phone.
Yeah, Christine, she was home.
She was home cooking another man dinner.
By the phone? Damn it! Why did I listen to you? We're not on a break, we're broken up.
She's on a date.
She's cooking dinner for him, and I heard Norah Jones in the background.
She knows Norah Jones? No, she was playing Norah Jones.
Which is her sexy music.
And she was pissed that I called.
She thinks we're done.
God.
That is so awful.
How did she get a date already? I've been single for three years.
Damn it, Christine.
I'm so sorry.
Is it a lime? Are we dead? No, but the battery is.
Great.
So this is the end.
And there are so many embarrassing things in my dresser drawer.
I'm starving, I'm freezing, I've had to pee for the last two hours, and I'm really scared, because now I don't.
I got to do something.
So, uh, what are you doing? Looking for a blanket.
Are you eating something? No.
It was a protein bar.
It has extra calcium.
It's for women.
It's the only food that we had.
I had.
Ah, here we go.
A sleeping bag.
Ooh, and something to keep you warm.
I hope they don't find me this way.
- Okay, get in.
- What? Get in here with me.
We have to keep each other warm.
No, I'm fine.
It's two-ply.
Matthew, it's freezing.
Just get in.
Richard, I'm sorry.
Come on, I was trying to help.
Don't be mad at me.
I honestly thought I knew women.
How was I supposed to know she's all full of boundaries and self-esteem? Over.
You know what? I don't think you're really mad at me.
I think that your feelings are hurt, and you're sad about the breakup.
Come on, I know men.
Let me help you.
Richard, buddy what can I do to make you feel better? Want to make me feel better? I do.
What do you want, pal? I want sex.
With who? You, pal.
Well, that's definitely warmer.
I don't know where to put my hands.
I'm turning around.
Ah, when did you dip yourself in vanilla? I didn't.
All I'm gonna say is a snake better have snuck into this sleeping bag.
Campbell, is that you?! No, it's Ritchie.
Can I come in? Why are you out of your tent? I heard a noise.
Oh, it was probably just the wind or a gentle squirrel.
The desert is full of all sorts of What the hell was that?! I want that flap closed! In or out, Campbell?! In! In! In! In! - Easy.
Easy.
Easy - Easy, easy That's insane.
Why is it insane? You say you're my friend, but if you were really my friend, you would have sex with me.
Richard, I don't have sex with my friends.
Paul Simpson, Eddie Gibb, Sue Gottlieb Anymore.
I've wasted three weeks thinking I was involved with someone when I wasn't.
Christine, I haven't had sex in three weeks.
Three weeks.
Oh, my God.
You're like the freaking Dalai Lama.
And you're probably coming up on a year.
Hey! No.
Wait, when did I go down to the river? Anyway, listen, Richard, I actually like what we have now, okay? And I don't want to ruin our friendship.
How would you like to make it the best friendship ever? This is exactly how Sue Gottlieb got me.
Christine, there is no downside.
It's pure sex.
Pure sex.
I like the sound of that.
So what do you think? I don't know.
I don't know? Does that mean you're thinking about it? Just give me a minute.
Okay.
But I'm gonna need to be seduced.
Okay.
Come on, man! Ritchie? Mom? It's morning, kid.
You made it.
Hey, I did.
Now, get back to your tent before the other kids wake up, so they won't know that you slept here.
Why? Well, because kids can be mean.
They can call you Stork Ms.
Ham and Eggs Coach Never Getting Married.
I'm gonna go.
Okay.
Hey.
So here we are.
Yeah.
And you know what's great? I don't feel weird.
Me neither.
We did it, it was great.
It was good.
It was great.
It was sex.
And we're done.
No downside.
Pure sex.
Were you ever gonna come looking for us?! We were out there all damn night! You want to walk back to the car? I'm walking back to Los Angeles.