The Proud Family (2001) s02e21 Episode Script

(Oscar) Don't worry, Wizard,
you'll have your 150 cases
of Proud Snax in plenty of time.
-Fifteen thousand? What?
-(alarm blaring)
What? 15,000?
Yup, yeah, of course, I knew that.
What? I ain't tripping.
I was just seeing if you knew, that's all.
(operator) Please deposit 25 cents
for the next three minutes.
Uh, Wizard, I got to go. I'm being paged.
And don't you worry,
you'll get your snacks.
I've got my best people
working on it right now.
Mr. Chips, the Wizard did not order
150 cases.
He ordered 15,000 cases!
What do I got to do to get a monkey
to take an order?
(chittering)
Don't you ee-ee-ee-ee me!
This says 150.
Oh, my bad, Mr. Chips.
I guess I spilled a little guacamole
from yesterday's lunch.
Mmm!
Hey, whoa, whoa!
Where do you think you're going?
-We've got to keep these orders moving.
-It's time for my break, Mr. Proud.
A break? You see, people?
That's why I don't hire humans.
You always want to take a break.
You see Mr. Chips taking a break?
Look, people,
either you get back to work,
or you're fired.
You don't have to fire me, Mr. Proud,
-because I quit.
-You what?
You quit? Oh, please, now.
Come on, now. Don't quit.
Look, we got to deliver 15,000 cases
by the end of the week.
Please don't go. Come on, now.
(whimpers)
Get a hold of yourself, Mr. Proud.
Have some dignity.
I don't have time for dignity, man.
I got these orders to fill.
That's okay. I don't need you.
You'll never work
in the snack business again.
You're not the only one
who can operate heavy machinery.
(starter grinding)
I wouldn't do that if I was you,
Mr. Proud.
(Peabo) That's a highly complicated
piece of equipment
that only me and Mr. Chips
are certified to operate.
(engine revving)
Oh, save the chatter
for the unemployment line, Peabo.
I can do anything that a nine-year-old
and a monkey can do. Watch this here.
(beeping)
(series of crashes)
(Oscar) Oh, no!
-(Mr. Chips shrieks)
-Mr. Chips!
Mr. Chips!
Oh, speak to me, please, monkey!
(Mr. Chips groaning)
I can't believe this happened.
(sobbing)
The Proud Family ♪
What? You and me will always be tight ♪
Family, every single day and night ♪
Even when you start acting like a fool ♪
You know I'm loving
Every single thing you do ♪
I know that I can always be myself ♪
I love you more than anybody else ♪
And every day
As I'm heading off to school ♪
You know there's no one
I love as much as you ♪
Family, a family ♪
Proud Family ♪
They'll make you scream ♪
They make you want to sing ♪
It's a family thing, a family ♪
Proud, Proud Family ♪
Proud Family ♪
They'll push your buttons ♪
Then make you want to hug them ♪
Family, a family ♪
Proud, Proud Family ♪
(Oscar) Yeowch!
(dogs barking)
Hey, Penny.
Hey, Dijonay.
Come on, girl. We're going to the mall.
I can't go. I've got to stay here
and answer the phones for my mom
for the next few hours.
Oh, good. Then you won't mind watching
my brothers and sisters.
Hey, y'all! Come on in!
(all chattering)
Dijonay, get them out of here.
This is a veterinarian office.
That's all right. They love cats and dogs.
(animals making ruckus)
Dijonay, I'm working.
I can't chase your brothers
and sisters around all day.
You got cages, right?
Just put 'em in there.
All right, be that way.
Come on, y'all. Let's go.
This place is too good for us.
(kids grumbling)
Since you giving us the boot,
can't you at least give us
some of these cookies?
-No.
-Stop being cheap!
You don't pay for 'em.
Mmm,
these bone-shaped ginger snaps are good.
Ginger snaps?
Those are liver snaps, Dijonay.
Ooh, tasty and healthy.
(Mariah) Excuse me.
I need to see a doctor right away, please.
Take a number and have a seat, please.
You don't understand.
François is desperately ill.
Hey, I know you.
I saw you on Oprah Winfrey the other day.
You're Oprah!
(chuckles)
And you're cute, but wrong.
I know who you are.
You're Mariah Carey.
Mariah Carey?
(all) Mariah! Mariah!
That's such a sweet thing to say.
Thank you.
What is going on out here?
Mama, it's Mariah Carey!
Mariah Carey?
Are you the doctor?
Why, yes, Miss Carey.
What can I do for you?
Could you please, look at François?
He's really, really sick.
(Trudy) Oh. What happened to him?
I found him passed out in my hotel room,
next to an empty bag
of these horrid Proud Snax.
Do you think you can help him?
I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.
Doctor
Uh, Doctor Trudy.
You know, like Dr. Ruth,
Dr. Phil, Dr. Seuss.
Oh, okay, I got you. Okay, cool.
(clears throat)
Follow me, Miss Carey.
We'll have little François
up and climbing in no time.
(groaning)
Does it hurt here?
No, no, no.
-Here?
-(laughing)
Here?
(shrieks)
Well, he definitely has a tummy ache.
Now you just lay here and rest,
while your mommy and I go talk.
(groans)
Look, Proud,
we want to see Mariah Carey!
LaCienega, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Don't even try it, Penny.
Tabasco charged us five bucks each,
to meet and have our picture taken
with Mariah Carey.
Five dollars?
Shoot, Tabasco charged me $10.
Yo, Pen, where's my future wife?
Here I am.
I do, I do!
Well, I don't,
and I never will.
Now, get away from me, Dijonay.
My bride is Mariah Carey,
and I paid Tabasco 20 bucks for me
and the Diaz Brothers to get in here.
Now remember, amigos,
whatever I say,
you sing.
¿Comprende?
Whatever you say, we sing ♪
(screams)
Look, you guys, Tabasco played y'all.
Mariah Carey is not here.
Now, you need to be quiet.
This is a doctor's office,
not a concert hall.
It's going to be a wedding chapel
when I see Mariah.
(laughs)
It's going to be a wedding chapel ♪
When I see Mariah ♪
Out of my way! Out of my way!
Monkey down! Monkey down!
Out of his way, his monkey down ♪
Hey, Mr. Chips, look.
It's the Diaz Brothers,
your favorite band.
We're the monkey's favorite band ♪
Quiet!
Penny, where's your mama?
Mr. Chips is hurt.
She's in the examination room
with a very special patient.
You have to take a number, Daddy.
Take a number?
My monkey waits for no one!
Trudy!
I got an emergency.
Mariah Carey?
(Mr. Chips screeches)
(François) Sacre bleu!
Oscar, what's the emergency?
Emergency?
What emergency?
I just want to meet my favorite singer.
(laughs)
I love you.
(clears throat)
I mean, I just love your music.
Allow me to introduce myself.
-I am Oscar
-(kissing)
Whoa, nurse, please.
Wouldn't want to give her
the wrong impression.
And what impression is that?
That I am
(clears throat)
not available.
Ow!
Trudy, I'm just trying to be hospitable,
not go to the hospitable.
(chuckles)
Nice to meet you, Oscar.
You look familiar.
Have we met before?
Perhaps in your dreams, baby.
I doubt it.
He has a very common face, Miss Carey.
Anyway, have François take one tablet,
twice a day, with meals.
He should be back to his old self
in no time at all.
Oh, thank you so much, Dr. Trudy.
Ow!
Is there a way
that I can, like, slip out unnoticed?
Sure there is.
Yeah, because there's hordes
of crazed fans out front,
waiting to get your picture and autograph.
By the way, would you sign my heart?
(laughs)
That's cute.
(Trudy) What good will it do, Oscar,
if it's not beating?
Maybe some other time.
Follow me, Mariah.
You can go out the back door.
(moaning)
Come to mommy, baby.
Come to mommy.
(excited chittering)
Mwah!
Wow!
And thank the nice doctor
for making you all better.
(mumbling)
Oscar, why did come here,
besides to embarrass me?
Why'd I come here? Why did I come here?
Um, I know it was important.
Can I buy a vowel?
(kids) We want Mariah!
Oh, my goodness.
Let me go handle this.
(kids chanting) We want Mariah!
(Oscar) Oh, Mr. Chips, I forgot!
Oh, come here, old buddy, old pal.
I'm going to take you home
and give you that vacation
you so rightly deserve.
Just as soon as you ship those 15,000
cases of Proud Snax to the Wizard.
(screams)
Come back here, Mr. Chips!
You can run, but you can't hide!
You can run, but you can't hide ♪
(playing simple chords)
Penny, this is Beethoven's Fifth,
not Beethoven's "4½."
Trust me.
She knows what she's talking about, Penny.
She was Beethoven's piano teacher.
As a matter of fact,
the hair's she's wearing
used to be his wig.
(laughs)
Ow! Ow!
(laughs)
Now, get away from me, boy,
before I banish you
in front of the monkey.
(laughing)
(Oscar) Trudy, Suga Mama
Oscar, please.
I've had a hard day.
Would you mind fixing dinner?
Fix dinner?
I think you got it twisted, Trudy.
So, let me straighten you out.
I'm the man, you're the woman.
You cook, I eat.
Now feed me and my monkey.
Dinner was great.
Yeah, now, that was all right.
That a pretty good entree.
I've got to admit, Oscar,
that was quite a meal.
(Suga Mama) But what we got for dessert?
A little slice of heaven.
Okay, everybody, loosen up your belts.
And in the case of Suga Mama
and the babies,
then tape on your diapers,
and get prepared
for the pièce de rèsistance.
Oh, garçon!
(monkey humming)
(in French accent)
My favorite
banana flambé.
Oscar, do you think it's right
to make Mr. Chips do all the work?
(normal voice)
All right, Trudy, I'll help.
I'll help myself to firsts,
seconds and thirds.
(laughs)
(sniffs)
Mmm-mm! Smells good.
Pour the sauce on it, Mr. Chips. Ha!
Ooh, la-la!
(shrieks)
Mmm! I taste good.
Pour some more sauce on me, Mr. Chips.
Hit me again. Hit me now!
(Mr. Chips) Oui, oui.
(monkey chittering)
Trudy, Trudy, hurry up and get in bed.
Ooh, Oscar, you're frisky tonight.
No, no, come on, now. Not that.
Mr. Chips is fixing breakfast tomorrow.
Eggs Benedict,
Belgian waffles, and my favorite meat,
cow porking.
That's a beef stuffed, free range chicken,
all dressed up in the succulent skin
of a pot-bellied pig, deep fried,
and cut in the shape of a giblet.
Whatever the heck that is.
(Oscar) And smothered
in ooh-gobs of jelly and gravy.
Now that's eating.
I can't wait to wake up.
You eat that and you'll never wake up.
You want me to believe
that Mr. Chips told you all of that?
Of course not, Trudy. Monkeys can't talk.
He typed up a menu on my computer.
Good night, Oscar.
(Trudy) Oscar, baby!
You need to shave your legs.
(Oscar) Shave my legs?
You need to shave your beard.
(Trudy) I do not have a beard, Oscar.
(Oscar) You don't?
What the
Trudy!
(all scream)
-(monkey chittering)
-(Oscar yelling)
(Oscar) Trudy!
(glass breaking)
Mr. Chips!
Aww, François,
you look so handsome
in your beautiful,
silk-monogrammed pajamas.
Don't you agree, Jeeves?
Yes,
he's quite a handsome simian, Lady Mariah.
Well, François,
I'll be retiring for the evening now
and I'll see you in the morning, okay?
(kissing sound)
(Mariah) Good night, Jeeves.
Yes, Lady Mariah.
You have a pleasant evening as well.
So, was your dinner this evening
with Lady Mariah,
to your satisfaction, Mr. François?
(chittering)
Would you care
for your warm milk and cookies,
at this time, sir?
(chitters excitedly)
Mr. François,
you eat as if you haven't had
a decent meal in years.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, Mr. François,
are you ready for your masseuse?
(chuckles)
(chitters)
(François humming "La Marseillaise")
Oscar, I don't feel right
about taking advantage of Mr. Chips.
I'm a veterinarian.
I took an oath to heal animals,
not exploit.
Well, I am an American businessman,
and I exploit anything with fur.
(humming "La Marseillaise")
Oscar, it's not right.
Oscar Mm!
This is good.
Okay, he's still got to go,
but after dinner.
And after he gives me this recipe.
-(tune being played on piano)
-Boy,
Penny's getting better than I thought.
Penny, you sound wonderful.
That's not me.
That's Mr. Chips.
Mr. Chips!
(slot machine jackpot)
Ladies and gentlemen,
girls and boys,
Oscar Proud Entertainment
is proud to bring you
the world's greatest piano playing monkey,
the world's only piano-playing monkey,
Mr. Chips.
(playing ragtime tune)
(playing classical piece)
(babies' happy chatter)
(playing "Hava Nagila")
(applause)
(playing jazz)
(playing disco)
(screams)
(playing cool jazz)
(laughs)
(bouncer) Excuse me, little man.
There's no soliciting.
I'm not soliciting. I'm panhandling.
Get your crime right.
(door clanking)
(door slams)
(klaxon blares)
(playing melancholy tune)
(Oscar laughing hysterically)
(snarling)
(guard) Proud! Chips!
You made bail.
Who paid bail?
(Wizard Kelly) Why, I did.
Wizard Kelly?
Yes, yes, y'all.
All right, Wizard, what do you want?
Well, Proud, the only thing you have
that's worth anything,
is that piano playing primate.
I got you off death row
so you can play in my show.
Wizard, you don't have enough money
to buy me and my monkey.
You want us gift-wrapped?
(Oscar chuckles)
(monkey grunting)
(French accent)
I hate him.
Don't drop the piano, Mr. Chips.
You break it, you pay for it.
Don't eyeball me, Chips.
Makeup!
(all cooing)
Not the monkey, me!
(women giggling)
(Penny) Hey, Daddy,
where's Mr. Chips?
He better be on stage
getting the equipment set up.
And after that, he better fix me
my pre-concert meal.
Oscar, that wasn't very nice.
No? Then you will love this
Security!
Get these people away from me!
Oscar!
(Suga Mama) Take that!
You don't like doing this, do you?
Non.
Don't be mad at Daddy, Mr. Chips.
He means well.
(shrieks)
(chittering)
(shrieks)
(loud crash)
-(monkeys screeching)
-Mr. Chips!
Mr. Chips! Mr. Chips!
Heh. Hmph. Heh. Heh.
(François) Zut alors! Un douleur imperial!
Hook me up with the stage directions.
There's something hap
Oh, François, there you are.
Mommy's been looking all over for you.
(laughs)
I love you, too, François.
My, you look shaggy.
Someone's having a bad hair day.
(Mariah) Come on, sweetie.
(groans)
Mr. Chips, where have you been?
They called "five minutes"
five minutes ago.
You know the rule.
Miss a call, miss a meal.
(hooting)
(Oscar)
I don't want to hear all that uh-uh-uh-uh!
Go on and get.
Get your tux on, and get on out
on the stage and play.
Go on!
(cheering and applause)
(Wizard) Ladies and gentlemen,
the Wizard Palace Hotel and Casino
proudly presents
the world's greatest
piano playing primate,
and my very close friend,
Mr. Chips.
(audience gasping)
(crickets chirping)
(playing "Chopsticks")
Uh, excuse me, Wizard.
Here is our list of demands.
We are renegotiating our contract.
Au contraire, my confused,
bumbling friend.
Once you sign the contract
and cash the check,
you're the Wizard's.
This meaningless six-figure check?
Ha! I'll show you what I think about this.
It's confetti.
That wasn't very smart, Oliver.
No, you're not very smart.
I was just using you
to showcase Mr. Chips' talent.
And once the world sees his talent,
the offers will come pouring in.
You'll be writing me a check
ten times that,
and begging me to take it.
(Wizard) Uh, I don't think so.
Oh, yeah?
Listen and weep, Wizard.
I'm listening, man,
but it's the audience that's weeping.
(audience booing)
What
(booing)
No!
(laughing)
(gasping)
(yelling)
No, no, no!
What's going on? What
Why me?
(sobbing)
(Oscar) Okay, Mr. Chips,
since you can't play piano anymore,
let's see if you can play this.
It's called "stand-up broom."
Now start jamming!
(blows raspberry)
(pop music playing)
Hey, hey, you, Chips
Chips,
come to mama, baby.
Mr. Chips, you missed a spot.
What the Mr. Chips?
What?
(chittering)
Don't you "ee-ee-ee" me!
(Mr. Chips laughing)
(Oscar) Mr. Chips!