The War at Home s02e21 Episode Script

Hey.
Where you've been? You were supposed to be home over an hour ago.
??? ??? Wh--what's going on with him? He's been acting real funny.
He's comin' home late.
He's up to something.
Go do that thing ??? and find out that some was wrong.
You mean parenting? Well I don't know the technical term ??? things.
Just go do it, will ya? Honey, we barely pay attention to him, and out of the three of them, he's the nicest, most well-adjusted, and he gets the best grades.
If we leave him alone completely, he may be president one day.
I'm gonna go find out what he's up to and put an end to it.
But first, a beer.
Okay, for prom, what do you think? Should I wear my hair down or up in a French twist? Hmm.
Well, I prefer a chignon.
But, you know, you got to be comfortable.
Besides, you'd look good even if you was wearing my grandma's wig.
Taye! Yo.
Father in the room.
Hey, Taye, let me tell you something.
The only thing you should be kissing in this house is my ass.
What the hell you doing sitting by the trash can? I'm just hanging out.
Oh, I-I know I told you you were garbage before, but I didn't mean it literally.
And I thought you were going to that party.
You were all excited about it.
Well, I know.
Fir-First, I couldn't stop talking about it, and then I couldn't stop thinking about it.
You know, how-how I'd get there, and then, no one would talk to me, and that would make me feel even more nervous, and then, I'd totally get one of those sweat mustaches, and then I'd get underarm stains, and everyone would make fun of me, and it would be the worst night of my entire life! So what I'm hearing is, is I don't got to pick you up at 11:00? Honey, have you felt anxious like this before? Oh, maybe a little.
Well, like when? Like, whenever I have to get up, and get out of bed and go to school.
And also on weekends.
Why didn't you ever mention that you felt like this before? Oh, right, like this is all my fault.
If-if it wasn't for me, he-he'd be completely normal.
Can I just remind everyone that until he was seven, the only thing that he ate was soft-boiled eggs? No one's blaming anyone.
The important thing is that we know what's going on now, and, honey I think we should make an appointment to see a psychiatrist.
No, no, no, Vicky.
He doesn't need to go see some fancy therapist, okay? He needs to go out and have some fun.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
You know, I-I made this sound much worse than it is.
You know me.
I'm so dramatic sometimes.
In fact, I think I'm feeling better already.
I'm just going to go to that party and shake my groove thing.
There you go.
-All right.
-Yeah.
Okay, um, how-how about we just, uh, set up that appointment for Monday after school? Oh, good.
I'm glad you're here.
Oh, that's new.
-I need cash.
-Oh.
That's not new.
Seriously, prom's next weekend, and I need money.
Yeah, I have to pick up my dress, and I have to get my hair done, and a manicure and pedicure, and a facial and a bikini wax.
Hillary, Hillary, are you going to the prom, or are you going into the witness protection program? Come on, okay? I need the money.
This is supposed to be the most special night of my entire life.
Don't you want me to have a good time? Yeah, but not too good a time.
Okay? I went to the prom, all right? I know what happens there.
Yeah, everybody gets dressed up and dances and takes pictures.
Oh, yeah? Then, uh, what are you getting a bikini wax for, huh? What exactly are they going to be taking pictures of? -Oh, Daddy! -Oh, don't, "Oh, Daddy" me, okay? It shouldn't be called prom night.
It should be called "lose your virginity night.
" What?! You're crazy.
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not, okay? What, you and Taye are all back together and lovey dovey.
What, are you waiting for your big, special night? You know, you don't know what you're talking about, okay? I'm not losing my virginity on prom night.
Yeah, yes, you are.
-No, I'm not.
-You're lying.
No, I'm not! You know, you are so full of crap, and you know it! -You don't know what you're talking about, okay? -I don't know what I'm talking about? -You know, you're a liar, okay? -No, I'm not! -You're a big liar.
And I don't like it.
-Oh, take that back! No, I'm not taking it back.
Just admit it that it's true.
Is that what you're gonna do? -No, it's not, okay? -Really, that's not true? For your information, I lost my virginity almost a month ago! Wow! It's the, uh, moment that I've been dreading for almost 18 years.
You know, now that's it's happened, I, uh I-I don't feel that bad.
the war at home 221 I can't believe Hillary didn't tell me about this.
What else did she say? Did she give you any details? No, no.
The only thing that she gave me was the heebie-jeebies, which she probably caught from Taye.
I want to know how she's feeling, you know? I'm her mother.
God, I got to get her to talk to me about this.
All right, enough already, okay? The only good thing about this is that one day I'm gonna have Alzheimer's, and I'm not gonna be able to remember that it ever happened.
Well, we prepared her with the safe sex talks and discussions about birth control.
We knew this day was coming.
If anything, we should be grateful that it took this long to happen.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, we should celebrate.
My daughter didn't lose her virginity when she was 12.
Hooray! Look, am I happy about it? No.
But she's in love, and she's in a relationship, and she's almost 18.
I wasn't any of those three things my first time.
I was just drunk and needed a ride home from school.
That's great.
So my daughter isn't as big a slut as my wife.
Thanks for making me feel better.
That's fabulous.
I'm not going on medication! The doctor said I'm perfectly normal! Larry, Larry, with all due respect, nobody who's ever met you has thought you were perfectly normal.
No, what he said was, it's perfectly normal to feel anxiety, but you just feel a little more anxious than most people.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I wasn't thrilled about the idea of therapy, but now we know there's a simple solution for all your problems.
You know, I know what's going on here.
You don't like who I am, so you want to give me pills to change me! You've always wanted to change me! Admit it! Of course I want to change you, Larry.
That's a parent's job, but-but-but now, luckily, there are pills that are able to do what I failed to do for 16 years.
This is a miracle, and I think we should embrace it.
No one's saying you have to go on the medication.
Oh, I am.
But if you do choose to take the pills, it's not going to change you.
It's just going to make you feel more comfortable with who you already are.
Yeah, yeah.
Wo-Won't it be nice for you to be in the same room as yourself and not mind it so much? You know, someone in this house needs to be on medication, -but it's not me! -Hey! How dare you talk about your mother like that! I got to tell you, I don't know if I like this idea.
Doctors are so quick to prescribe medication.
Hmm.
But who are the pills for, you know? Are they there to help the kids, or help the parents deal with their kids? Either way, I'm in.
But-But seriously, you know, I-I'm worried about Larry.
Yeah.
You know, I'm not just gonna sit around here while things get worse.
You know, we got to do something to make things get better.
Yeah, yeah, maybe you're right.
You know, what if he doesn't take the pills? We can't force him to.
You're right.
You know, we can't force him, so-so we'll just talk to him and try to convince him.
Yeah.
And if he doesn't want to do it, you know, we'll just crush it up and sprinkle it on his food.
Hey, Dad.
Hey.
So, uh, can I please have that money we talked about? Ask your mother.
Well, I handled that pretty well.
I don't even think she noticed how uncomfortable I was.
Ah, so, Mike isn't sneaking around, huh? I'm imagining things, huh? I don't know what I'm talking about, huh? Dave, for once, could I just have, like, 12 seconds to warm up to you being home? For your information, I went to Mike's school, and waited for him outside, then I followed him to see what he's been up to.
You did all that, and I can't get you to pick up the dry cleaning? -Okay, what is Mike up to? -Ha, ha! He's been fencing.
Oh, my God! He's selling stolen goods?! Worse.
He's been fencing! Oh, my God.
If we don't put an end to this, he could end up in good physical condition.
No wonder your daughter doesn't want to talk to you about the personal stuff.
You know, your, uh, sarcastic tone can be very off-putting.
I can't talk about this with you.
Why not? Oh, come on.
We can be open and honest with each other.
Were you okay with it afterwards? I mean, did it live up to your expectations? Mom, stop! No, no, no! Forget Mom.
I'm Vicky.
We're in friends mode.
Come on, share with me.
Fine.
Uh about a month ago, Taye's parents went out of town Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.
So, uh, you, uh, you, you been taking fencing lessons? Why didn't you tell me that's what you've been doing? Because, Dad, you were just going to make fun of it.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause it's stupid.
Hey, look at me.
I'm Jack Sparrow! A swashbuckling pirate of the Caribbean.
And now you know why I didn't tell you.
Come on, what kind of 14-year-old is into this crap, huh? "Hey, hey, Billy, hey, hey, dude, "bro, listen, listen, listen, man, "I just got the new fencing cards.
"Listen, I'll trade you a Swordy Johnson for a Peppy La Swishy.
" Can we make a deal? Can we make a trade? Wanna swap? Are you done? Come on, Mike, you got to admit it is a little weird, right? I mean, who, who, who the hell fences? I'll tell you who doesn't fence.
You and that's why I wanted to do it.
Oh, what does that mean? Dad, every sport that I've ever played there you are on the sidelines always telling me that I'm not doing it right and that you're better at it than I am.
Well, that's 'cause I am.
I mean, is it my fault that I'm a physical specimen and I'm athletically gifted, huh? And then we took a Jacuzzi together.
Aw.
How romantic.
Yeah.
And then afterwards he said, "Do you want to do it again?" And I said, "Yeah!" This was the best conversation I've ever had with my daughter.
She shared everything.
She told me every single detail.
Yeah.
Not so pretty, is it? Not so much.
All these years, you guys, have been telling me not to take drugs, and now you're pushing them on me! Well, you're not turning me into your chemistry set! Come on, you've seen the commercials.
All the cartoon blobs are at the party, having a good time except for that one weirdo blob, who has a cloud raining on him.
And then the weirdo blob takes the pill, and then suddenly there's no more rain and he's having a good time.
Look, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times.
You're a weirdo blob.
But if you take the pills, you'll be a happy blob.
Like your father.
Come on, honey, just try it for a couple of months.
If you don't like them, you don't have to take them anymore.
All right, fine.
Okay, good.
Good.
This is good.
All right.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Hey, get out of here! Good, Mike.
Excellent work, Mike.
Whoo! Thank you.
I've, uh, I've been practicing extra hard.
It's really paying off.
Your Passata-sotto was in perfect form.
I'll see you next week.
Well, ahoy, there.
Oh, it's the dreaded pirate No Beard.
Hey, kudos on your "pasta-risotto," Dad, how the hell did you find this place? Easy.
I waited outside your school for you and saw where all the cool kids were going and then I went in the other direction.
Come on, I'm just taking an interest.
See, I got to tell you, I, uh I didn't realize how much physical agility this took.
It's pretty impressive.
-Really? Well,thank you, Dad.
-Yeah.
I, uh, also didn't realize that they make you wear a beekeepers outfits.
I thought you'd be wearing tights and a big flouncy shirt.
Okay, hey, thanks for stopping by.
I'll be taking the bus home.
Hey, come on.
Hey, look here! En garde, you swine! Dad, you don't know what you're doing.
-Oh, yeah? Come on.
-Put that down.
Come on, put 'em up.
-Put up your dukes.
-Dad, I'm not joking, okay.
-You can get hurt.
-Oh, you're right.
Chop-chop, let's go.
Dad.
It's not funny.
Stop it.
Son of a bitch! Oh, my God, are you okay? No! Wow, all those times you warned me that I could put someone's eye out.
I didn't actually think it would ever happen.
Wow.
This is a just not my day.
You made up with Mike? Are you two seeing eye-to-eye? It's not funny.
He scratched my cornea.
Well, all I can say is it's a good thing you're not competitive with Hillary, or right now you'd be in a Jacuzzi with Taye.
Come on, come on, I already lost an eye.
You want me to lose my lunch, too? Hey, hey, hey, ho! -Hey.
-Hey.
Well, hello there.
So, who do we have here? Oh, just some friends of mine.
Please don't embarrass me.
Although, it looks like that pirate ship has already sailed.
Is this Larry hilarious, or what? Okay.
We're just gonna hang out in my room.
All right.
Okay.
Mmm.
How do you like that, see? And you didn't think the pills were a good idea.
It hasn't even been a week and already he's Mr.
Popular.
Maybe if we double the dose 'em, someday there'll even be a Mrs.
Popular.
I don't know, I just hope we did the right thing.
Oh, come on, see this is your problem.
You're always worrying about things when there's nothing to worry about.
You know, maybe we should find a pill for you.
No, that's okay, honey, I already have a pill.
The side effects include nausea, irritability and a persistent pain in my ass.
Hey.
What are all those stoners doing in your room? They're my new friends.
Since when? Since I started giving them my drugs.
Why would you do that? Well, b-because I'm not really taking those pills.
And when I tell Mom and Dad the truth, I have to be able to prove that I can be social without them.
Besides, those guys really seem to like me.
Yeah, of course they do.
They're high.
Hey.
How are you doing? Fine.
-Dad? -What? Oh, my God, you can't even look at me.
Oh, that's because I'm watching the TV.
You know, I can't look at you and watch the TV at the same time, right? Fine.
Oh, my God, you really can't look at me.
There, I looked at you.
You happy? Look, I'm not a horrible person.
Whatever.
I'm not a child anymore.
I'm a woman.
That's great.
Good.
That's good.
Congratulations.
I didn't do anything so terrible.
You know I don't even know who you are anymore.
-And you know what?I don't want to know.
-Oh, my God! Wow, what's up with her? Don't worry about it.
You know, maybe Hillary should be taking one of Larry's chill pills.
Apparently everyone else has been taking them, except for Larry.
W-W-What's that mean? You think those guys are hanging out with him for his personality? Please.
The last time he had that many friends, they were imaginary.
You know, I don't even know what else to say to you.
I do.
You're grounded for a month.
You're not going anywhere, you're not doing anything.
I guess I deserve that.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
Didn't he seem a little too happy about that punishment? Did we just do him a favor? He doesn't like going out of the house, remember? Yeah, but what else can we do? Watch and learn.
You know what, we changed our minds.
You're not grounded.
What? Yeah, you're the opposite of grounded.
You're un-grounded.
For the next month, you're going out every night, okay? You're going to make new friends, you're going to parties and you're going to have fun, all right? We may even send you to Florida for Spring Break.
That's not fair.
You guys are the worst parents ever! There you go, Omar.
Thank you, Vicky.
I don't understand why we have to do this.
Why the hell do we have to entertain Taye's parents? It's prom night.
If the kids can dress up and act like adults, so can you.
Oh, I can't believe our babies are going to the prom.
I have really been looking forward to this.
Me, too.
I just couldn't wait for tonight.
Yeah, well, apparently neither could your son.
Well, Dave, looks like our kids are all grown up.
Yeah, well, maybe they wouldn't be if you hadn't gone out of town that time, because Hey! Did you happen to see that beautiful corsage Taye brought Hillary? It's the least he could do after taking her flower.
You know what, I can't deal with this.
I'm out of here.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? You going to ruin your daughter's big night? She already ruined it for me, -so what difference does it make at this point? -Why do you got to make it all about you? Come on, she's still the same girl, she Wow, you, uh You, um Y-Y-You You look beautiful.
Thank you, Daddy.
Let's see what you got.
Yes! All right, best two out of three.
Come on, Mikey, Let's see what you got.
All right best three out of five.
Okay, okay, four out of seven.
Okay, now we're arm wrestling.