Two and a Half Men s02e21 Episode Script

Jake, use your spoon.
Can't.
I'll die.
If you don't turn off that music, you'll die anyway.
Fine.
That's better.
He's still gonna be living here when he's, like, 30.
My big fear is he'll still be in fifth grade.
Hello, anybody home? Grandmommy's here.
There's my grandson.
So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected - Pleasure? - No, that's not it.
I was showing a house, and I thought I'd visit the people I love.
And they weren't home? Goody.
There's a Tudor on Stone Canyon that's going on the market soon.
- How do you know? - Owner dropped dead of a heart attack.
You know what they say, darling.
Today's obituary is tomorrow's exclusive listing.
Father of five in Westwood.
I'm on fire.
You will be soon.
Mom, you're not setting a very good example here.
Why? Jake, honey, your grandmommy performs a very important public service.
When people die, their families are very, very sad and they have no idea what their homes are worth.
And you tell them? Oh, you are so cute.
And Grandmommy doesn't just prey on the dead, Jake.
She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.
Not to mention she's working on an alternative fuel made from puppies.
Oh, my God.
Harry Gorsky died.
Oh, no.
Are you sure it's him? How many Harry Luther Gorskys are there in Los Angeles? - Well, there's one less now.
- Who are you talking about? He was Uncle Charlie's and my stepdad.
- The first of three, and not my favorite.
- I liked him.
Oh, please.
You were 6.
You still liked Mom.
- Mom, are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.
He was a good man and part of my life, and now he's gone.
I just pray he died peacefully and held on to that stately six-bedroom, four-bath Colonial in Hancock Park with the bonus office/guest room over the garage.
Let me get this straight.
First there was your dad, then this guy Harry who died then the fat guy with the carpet business.
No, no, no.
The fat guy came after the twitchy gay guy from Texas who gave us crew cuts and called us buckaroos.
So out of the three Harry was the best.
- I liked the fat guy, remember? With the chubby daughter who was so grateful? All you had to do was knock on her door with some Turkish Taffy.
Be that as it may, he was still a very good father to us.
Oh, please.
He was a little tyrant.
"Sit up straight.
" "Do your homework.
" "Quit forging my signature on hotel bills.
" Okay, then.
The funeral is tomorrow.
I think it would be appropriate for us all to go and pay our respects.
I don't know.
Tomorrow's not good for me.
Oh, Charlie.
The man was your father.
No, he was not.
Why do you care so much? You divorced him.
Just because you divorce doesn't mean you no longer have feelings.
That's true.
Judith still has feelings for me.
Pity is not really a feeling, Alan.
Regardless of our feelings, we'll still go and say our final goodbyes to Harry.
- I'm not going.
- Me neither.
- Fine, you stay here with Uncle Charlie.
- Cool.
Yeah, cool.
Why do you wanna go? I think it's the right thing to do, and I liked Harry.
- And he liked you.
- I know.
We've stayed in touch over the years.
What? You betrayed me by communicating with that son of a bitch after I divorced him? Well, wait a minute.
You said that I know what I said.
I was just being polite because the guy's worm chow.
All I did was send him Christmas cards and a picture of Jake.
- You never send me a picture of Jake.
- He's right here.
When was the last time I got a Christmas card? Wait, I'm on your side.
Charlie's the one who doesn't wanna go.
I don't even know if I want you to come now.
You've ruined it.
- How can you ruin a funeral? - I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
- Where are you going? - I need something black.
Doesn't your soul qualify? Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you.
How will that be any different than this? Okay, Jake.
I'm going to pick up your grandmother.
Okay.
You think maybe you've played that enough? Okay.
I might as well just buy him a crack pipe.
Hey! - Let's get this over with.
- You're coming to the funeral? I thought about it and realized, even if I didn't like the guy that shouldn't stop me from going to his funeral and, you know, taking a victory lap.
Charlie, you're not gonna wanna hear this but you sound a lot like Mom.
Tread lightly.
- Jake, you're coming with us.
- I don't wanna.
You get to see a real dead guy.
There's gonna be a dead guy? Where? - At the funeral.
- Oh, cool.
Can I come? Did I say he was gonna live here until 30? I meant forever.
What are you talking about? - Go put on your nice clothes.
- Okay.
He doesn't know what nice clothes are.
- Jake? - Oh, right.
Isn't it a little early to start drinking? - Would you like a snort? - That's what I meant.
Thanks.
You okay, Mom? I just can't believe he's gone.
Isn't that why we're going to the funeral? To make sure? I'm confused.
If you cared for Harry so much, how come you left him? Yes, well, about that.
I may have glossed over the details with you boys just a skosh.
I didn't actually leave Harry so much as he left me.
- You're kidding.
- He met a younger woman and just traded me in.
You still loved him, didn't you? I loved him very much.
Oh, Harry.
My sweet, dear Harry.
All right.
Level eight.
So where's the dead guy? Jake, show a little respect.
Where's the dead guy, sir? In the chapel.
Now keep it down.
I think I can smell him.
Oh, Lord.
There she is.
- Who? - The tramp who stole my husband.
Not bad.
Not good.
I'm gonna go mourn.
- Yeah, me too.
- Stay put.
Mommy needs you.
- Hello, Evelyn.
- Hello, Christine.
- This is my son, Alan.
- Hello.
And who's this little guy? Your grandson? I'm just here to see the dead guy.
Yes, I've been blessed with both children and grandchildren.
How about you? Oh, wait, I remember.
You were slightly less fertile than a sand trap.
We're very sorry for your loss.
It's not my loss.
He left me for that tramp over there.
She doesn't look very unhappy, does she? She just met him.
Wait a week.
I think it's the responsibility of we, the living, to carry on to live life to the fullest.
Embrace it.
Kiss it on the mouth, if you will.
Excuse me, Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.
Heather, this is my brother, Alan.
He lives with me at my beach house in Malibu.
- Hi.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
- Alan came to live with me at my Malibu beach house when he lost his wife.
It's a healing house.
My wife isn't really dead.
Because you healed.
At my Malibu beach house.
And when you think about it, Harry isn't really dead either.
He lives right here in all of us.
- Thank you.
- Good.
Let go.
It's good to let go.
Charlie.
Excuse me a moment.
What, what, what, what, what? What do you mean, "What, what, what"? - You're hitting on the widow.
- No, I'm consoling the widow.
I won't hit on her until they close the lid.
Unbelievable.
How do you sleep at night? Usually drunk and on top of somebody.
But that takes work, Alan.
Doesn't just happen by itself.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you run to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple fresh ones off the truck? Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move.
Nevertheless, you can hit on women anywhere.
Why did you bother to come? I don't know.
I just did.
- That's it? No reason? - Do you have a reason for everything? - Yes.
- So how's that working out for you? I know how difficult it must be rambling around all by yourself in that big, drafty, six-bedroom Colonial with the guest room/office over the garage.
Harry gave me a potbellied pig.
So you'd remember him, sure.
But I know Harry would want you to move on and this is the perfect time to move on because this is a seller's market.
- Excuse me.
Can we talk to you a minute? Pardon me, dear.
What? I'm working here.
That woman just lost her husband.
Alan, the man was 50 years old when she was born.
- So? - So she had to see it coming.
Even for you, that is really cold.
Oh, Mr.
Graveside Nookie weighs in.
You were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.
Hey, watch your mouth.
This is a solemn event.
Yeah, show a little class.
Me? I'm the only one here behaving appropriately.
Hey, where's Jake? - Jake.
- How do you know my name? - It's okay.
- Okay? I almost pooped my pants.
What are you doing? I just wanted to see.
Okay, well, let's Let's take a look.
- Really? - Yeah.
Come on.
- What do you think? - I don't know.
- How did he die? - He just got old.
His heart stopped.
His watch is still going.
- Yep.
- Why would he need a watch, anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
Okay, there are other people waiting to pay their respects.
Why don't we go find Grandma? I don't care what anybody says.
I always thought you were a good guy.
Thanks, Alan.
Want to know what time it is? Let's go.
- How's he look? - Dead.
Cool.
Surprise.
Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about it and maybe some of the stuff between us may have been my fault.
I was angry about losing my dad, and I guess you were the guy I took it out on.
Anyway, not that it makes a lot of difference at this point but I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry.
By the way, I'm gonna take a shot at your wife.
But that's just a guy thing.
Nothing personal, okay? I'll take that as a yes.
And so with every door that God closes, he opens a window.
Did he say "window" or "widow"? Even as we say goodbye to our beloved friend Harry Luther Gorsky we know that he lives on in all of us.
- How are you holding up? - Okay.
- Lf you need anything, I'm right here.
- Thank you.
That's very comforting.
For everything, there is a season.
A time to be born, a time to die.
A time to reap, a time to sow.
So I would like to invite anyone who wishes to say a few words about Harry to come up and share with us.
As always, I'll do him first.
- Mom, bad idea.
- Hey if I didn't give in to bad ideas, you wouldn't be here.
Hold this.
Dad.
I can't find my Gameboy.
Not now, Jake.
Hello.
Welcome to Harry's funeral.
I haven't seen him so drained of bodily fluids since our honeymoon.
What? I thought I'd open with a joke.
My name is Evelyn Harper or, as dear Harry used to call me, his sweet little sugar tushy.
When I first met Harry I was just a hot young widow with bills to pay who could lick the chrome off a trailer hitch.
I also had two small boys one of whom Harry cared for very deeply.
The other one was Charlie.
It wasn't easy being a substitute father but Harry gave it his all.
Unfortunately, it wasn't enough which is probably why he looked for solace in the arms of a cheap slut.
Stand up, Christine.
Let everybody have a look at you.
Take a good look, Heather.
That's gonna be you someday.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm being disrespectful to the grieving widow.
But, listen, you wanna talk grieving? I'm grieving.
I loved this man with all my heart, and you left me, you lousy bastard.
Well, take a good look.
I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak.
Thank you.
- Okay.
That was beautiful.
- Time to go.
I'll call you.
- Dad, what about my Gameboy? - Forget it.
Just keep walking.
And so let's take a moment of silent prayer for our friend, Harry.
I am really, really sorry.
Got it.
It's my kid's.
I don't know, maybe I spoil him.
Okay, bye.
Boys, when I die I want a simple funeral.
No tears.
- Done.
- You got it.
And I wanna be buried next to your father.
Dad was cremated, Mom.
Oh, yes, right.
I was thinking of someone else.
So I take it you'd rather be buried than cremated? Oh, can't we do both? I want to be buried on the side of a hill nestled amongst the willows, overlooking the ocean.
Do we get to pick the ocean? And I want an unadorned headstone, which reads simply: "Evelyn Harper.
Loving wife, devoted mother.
" That's good.
Open with a joke.