According To Jim s02e22 Episode Script

Daddy, get me a glass of milk? Oh, come on, honey.
You're a big girl now.
You get your own glass of milk.
Please! No.
Gracie, I'm not your servant.
Daddy, I said "please.
" Now, get me a glass of milk! Gracie, I wouldn't get you a glass of milk right now if you paid me.
You want some chocolate in it? Surprise me.
Oh, baby! I tell you, I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
Well, I know, but Hey! What are you doing here? Making dinner.
Oh, well, we thought that you were going to be stuck at soccer practice and so we went out and got some pizzas and ribs.
For two.
Yeah, so, you know Oh, that's totally fine.
My new friend, Cindy, is bringing the kids home.
So, suddenly, I had two free hours.
I took a bath.
I got my nails done.
And look.
Lasagna! Mmm! Lasagna! Pizza, ribs, and lasagna.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
You know, originally, I was going to name my kids that.
Come on, let's eat.
Oh, great.
I've been meaning to test out this new belt.
Oh, boy! Look at Girls! Hi, girls! Hi! How was soccer? - Good.
- Good.
Good? You should have seem 'em.
Ruby had a goal and Gracie had two assists.
Oh, yeah.
And my little Ally here had the ball on the wing.
She You know, "good" was all I wanted, really.
Honey.
Cindy, thank you so much for bringing them home.
Oh, are you kidding? Ally and I just adore your girls.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
With their little hands and their little feet.
We could just eat 'em up.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Right, Ally? Uh-huh.
Oh, I Where are my manners? I'm terribly sorry.
I'm Cindy Devlin.
You must be Jim.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! Don't get up.
I wasn't going to.
I like this one, Cheryl.
Yeah.
You've got to meet my husband, Tim.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my gosh! The two of you together would be like Robin Williams and Billy Crystal.
That would just kill me.
Oh, boy.
Well, we're definitely gonna have to do it then.
Yeah.
Yes.
Hi.
Uh Oh.
I'm Cheryl's brother, Andy.
Hi.
You're having pizza.
You're going to wanna sop up that grease.
Oh, yeah.
See? That was going to be inside you.
Mmm.
Let's stick around to see that 50th birthday.
Honey, look at me.
Forty is a long shot.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
No, Jim.
Remember, rib and bib.
Rhyme for a reason.
There we go.
Thank you.
- Okay, then, um - Mmm.
Cindy, we were just sitting down to have a family dinner with, you know, just the family.
Yeah.
Oh! Oh, my God! Earth to Cindy! Obvious calling, no answer.
Come on, honey.
Okay, well Toodle-oo, then.
Uh-huh.
Oh, Cindy, thank you so much.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, Jim.
We are going to get you and Tim together and let the zingers fly.
Fantabulous.
What was that? What? She's nice.
Nice? She took our grease.
What kind of person does that? Well, I like her and you're just gonna have to give her a chance.
Cheryl, the woman put a bib on me like I'm some kind of Oh, crap! "My feet are cold.
" Repeat after me.
Voila! I'm French.
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey! Huh? Let me guess.
Cindy's got the kids again.
Yeah.
Today I'm learning French and making a stained glass window for the kids' rooms.
Hmm.
Is that Hitler? No! It's Charlie Chaplin.
Wait.
Look.
Look.
Here's his hat.
Oh, yeah.
That's cute.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it won't give the kids nightmares.
Yeah.
- Hey! How you doing? - Hi! What's with all the flowers? Oh.
Oh, my God! It's your birthday, isn't it? No.
Our anniversary? No.
Did you have surgery? Jim! Cindy dropped them by this morning.
Her husband grows 'em.
Oh.
Hey, Jim.
Why don't you lie down on the couch? We could pretend it's your funeral.
Oh! Oh! No, we can't! There's too many people here.
You know, we got to get rid of that woman.
And Cindy, too.
Honey! Forget it.
Cindy's my friend.
Oh, she is not your friend, Cheryl.
You're just using her to take Ruby and Gracie off your hands so you have more time to do stained glass Hitlers.
See? It is Charlie Chaplin.
And I happen to like her.
Oh, please, Cheryl.
What are we having for lunch, denial salad? You know what it is? You know what it is? Cindy and I are nice people Oh, yeah? - who happen to like other nice people.
Uh-huh.
Think of it as a club you can't get into.
The Nice Club.
Uh-huh.
- Hi, Mommy! - Hi, Daddy! Hey, girls! Hi! How are you? Hey! That's right.
You little doodle hoppers just run on upstairs and play.
This is my famous Shepherd's pie.
Oh! Yeah.
Your little munchkins went crazy for it last night.
Oh, Cindy, that is so sweet.
Oh! What a friendly thing for one nice person to do for another.
Oh, hi! Hi.
How are you? You must be Dana? Yeah.
Oh! I'm Cindy Devlin.
Oh, my golly! You're gorgeous.
Oh, well.
Thanks.
Where did you get those cute hair sticks? Oh, at the mall.
This place called Things and Stuff.
Do you still have the box? Yeah.
Why? 'Cause they would make a terrific gift for someone else.
Huh? Ears like ours, best tucked away.
Hey! Cheryl.
I picked up these cute little lion pillows - for the girls' bedroom.
Aren't they fun? - Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Look at Mr.
Lion.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, oh! Yeah.
That's really good.
Can you do that again? I know.
Isn't that funny? People love it.
I see why.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, I get it.
Okay.
Yeah.
You see, the thing is, I was thinking Yeahif the girls' room were little more cheery Mmm-hmm then maybe Gracie wouldn't be so What? Well, so moody.
Moody? Oh, Mr.
Lion.
Someone doesn't want to hear bad news.
Listen.
I got to run.
I got to get home to my doggies.
'Cause if I leave 'em alone too long, they just lick themselves raw.
- Okay, you're right.
- Uh Yes.
Sounds like there's some trouble in the Nice Club.
One, two, three, four Three, four, five, six.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Boardwalk with a hotel.
You have cheese stuff on your face.
Oh.
Well, let me wipe it off with one of my $500 bills.
Oh! All right.
I got some nachos.
Oh, thank you, my good man.
A little something for your trouble.
Ooh! Back in the game! Hello, hello, hello! Hi.
Hi.
I brought my husband, Tim.
Oh.
Well, we were kinda having a family game night here.
- Yeah.
I know.
- But I just wanted you to meet the man responsible for all the flowers.
- Oh! - How do you do? Hey.
Yeah.
I guess you could say I'm all thumbs.
All green thumbs, huh? - Yeah.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- And send in the clowns.
Don't bother.
They're here.
Hey! Where are you guys going? We quit.
No, you can't quit.
I'm winning.
Uh-huh.
We got your race car.
And your money.
Someone's favorite doll's getting a haircut tonight.
Okay.
I'll go get the kids ready for bed.
Thank you.
I'm just going to fly upstairs with my big ears.
Dana.
True story.
Mmm-hmm.
I dated a fellow in college who was crazy about big ears.
Mmm.
And you're looking at him.
I love you.
Love you more.
Don't you dare kiss me.
Too late.
Don't you dare kiss me back.
Don't you dare dare me.
I'll double-dog dare you.
Uh-oh.
Them's fighting words.
Okay! Hey! Hey! Thank you so much for stopping by so So unexpectedly.
Oh.
So, uh, was there anything you needed? Because I dare you to go.
- Yeah.
- Jim.
I wanted to invite you down to the Morton Arboretum this Saturday.
I'm a Tree Buddy down there.
You tell people that? Right.
You were right, Cindy.
Hey, get me a needle and thread because my sides are splitting.
Yeah.
So, what do you say? Because Cindy will tell you it's very relaxing after a long week of work.
And believe you me, owning a hot tub store can get you pretty steamed.
Tim's got that on his business cards.
Yeah.
I do.
You own a hot tub store? Uh, is this thing on? Are you looking to buy? 'Cause I'm offering a Tree Buddy discount of 80% off all last year's floor models.
That's true.
That's good, too.
Let's do it.
Yeah! All right.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, we'll hit the Arboretum Okay then we'll swing by my store and I'll get you a great deal on a bubbler.
Oh, Jim.
Now don't let him bully you into buying anything.
Hey.
What are Tree Buddies for? Yay! Okay.
Guess it's is a dealio.
- Oh, well! - Dealio.
Don't you dare kiss me once we get in that car.
Oh, I won't.
Fingers crossed.
What? What? So, now you're a Tree Buddy? You're more two-faced than I am.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But both my faces are going to be soaking in a hot tub, baby.
Oh, honey, this is so exciting.
Our very own hot tub.
That's right, Mama.
Who's your Tree Buddy? Oh, baby, you are! Yeah! Hey! Look.
Huh? Yeah.
Chilled glasses.
Oh, baby.
Look at us.
We're living like the Rockefellers.
I know.
Grab me a popsicle.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Come on in this hot tub.
Okay.
- Come on, let's take this off.
- I know.
Jim! Jim! Why don't you just take this off Jim! Surprise! Oh! Uh, what Uh, what But What What are you doing here? Well, he is not going to sell you a hot tub he wouldn't relax in himself.
And I'm here to tell you this old boat passes muster, mister.
- See what he did there? - Yeah.
Oh, the Yeah.
- Hey, congratulations, guys.
- Oh, thanks.
Now, don't you dare hug me.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
That guy Tim has no issues with his body.
I do.
I couldn't even eat my popsicle.
The Devlins are coming.
The Devlins - All right.
- Close the curtains, everybody in the basement.
Okay.
Where's the kids? Upstairs.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll get 'em.
- Hang on.
- What? Our cars are out front.
They'll know we're here.
Okay, all right.
From now on, everybody park at least two blocks away.
Dana, let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- No, no.
Where you going? - No, no, no.
- Can't let you go.
Honey, calm down.
Come on - Oh, all right.
- All right.
Stop it.
Get off him.
All right.
This is it.
I'm drawing the line.
That's it.
I'm not going to live this way.
Not in my house and not in my America.
Who's with me? Well, there goes France and Germany.
Jim.
They're coming.
What are we going to do? What? We're going to get rid of them.
That's what we're going to do.
How? All right.
Listen, we'll split them up, all right? Okay.
I'll take Tim in the kitchen and talk to him, and you talk to her out here, all right? Right.
Now, listen, you've got to make sure she gets the message, all right? No wiggle room.
You be as mean as you have to be.
God, I can't be mean.
I'm too nice.
Come on, have you learned nothing being married to me all these years? I know, I know.
I should have been paying better attention, but I was so busy doing damage control.
Listen, this is serious.
We got to get rid of these people.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right, Jim.
Teach me.
Teach me.
Teach me how to be the big jerk that you are.
Oh, honey, thank you.
Oh, I know.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
This is what you do.
Think of it like this.
When you go to the mall and you take all your clothes into the dressing room and you try 'em on and you only buy the ones that look good? Yeah? The Devlins make your ass look fat.
They're toast.
Toast, baby.
Get 'em.
They're here.
Tim.
Put down the ladder.
They're home.
Ally, you want to run upstairs and play with the girls? Uh-huh.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
Could you be a dear and put that in the fridge? There should be room on the lower shelf right next to the meatballs.
Cindy, you think this guy doesn't know the inside of his own refrigerator? Tim, 1.
Jim, 0.
Oh, boy.
So, what do you say, Tim, you and I go in the kitchen and crack open a couple of beers.
Sounds good.
Hey, let's drink 'em in the hot tub.
Cindy, um Yeah.
Listen, Jim and I think you and Tim are really positive, outgoing people.
Oh.
But, uh It's hard for me to say.
Oh, you don't have to say it.
We like you, too.
Oh, well.
Okay.
Little thing.
Can we stay with you guys for a week? What? We need to have our place tented.
Termite problem.
Munch, munch, munch.
Yeah.
I mean, I know you're going to say yes, but I still felt like I needed to ask.
I don't know, it's just the way Okay, stop talking.
Cindy, why don't you sit down? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Here's the dealio.
So, are we hitting the tub? No.
Well, then, do you mind if I put my pants back on? I'd be fine with that.
You know what? We've had some good times, haven't we, Tim? Great times.
Well, those times are over now.
Are you kidding? You just wait till fall.
Though Sunday afternoons at Soldier Field are going to knock your socks off.
I got to tell you.
You and Cindy have been driving us Did you say Soldier Field? Sure did, my brother from another mother.
The wife and I have four season tickets on the 50 yard line.
They've been in my family for years.
Fifty yard line? You, me, Cindy and Cheryl.
You know, the fearsome foursome.
Cheryl! Cheryl! Cheryl.
Cheryl! What did you do to Cindy? What are you talking about? You told me I just asked her for a little favor.
She just unloaded on me.
Oh.
Why don't you guys want to be friends anymore? Oh, Cindy.
You know what? That couldn't be farther from the truth.
What? Cindy.
Can I let you in on a little family secret? Yes.
Cheryl has a disorder.
What? And I just found out that she hasn't been taking her meds.
What are you talking about? - See the mood swings right there? - Oh! Very, very dangerous.
So you just consider whatever favor you want, it is done.
Thank you, Jim.
You're welcome.
You You poor thing.
Hey, that must be where Gracie gets it.
Yes.
Gracie is not Stop talking.
You'll swallow your tongue.
Well, don't you two worry.
We are not the kind of people that turn and run when their friends' lives go into the crapper.
No.
We are in this, for the long haul, Jim-dandy.
Oh! Okay.
Group hug.
Count me in.
- Oh, God! Cheryl! - Jesus.
Hooray! Okay.
Oh, oh! And break! Okay.
Oh, Cheryl.
Cheryl! Cheryl.
If you can hear me in there I just want you to know we all love you.
Come on, Timber wolf.
Let's go.
Timber wolf.
Oh, man! Jim? What? Jim? Yes.
If you can hear me in there I am going to kill you.
What was that about? Oh, Cheryl.
Do you realize they have season tickets on the 50 yard line? You sold me out for football tickets? Honey They think I'm a lunatic.
No.
You heard her.
She loved you, in spite of your problem.
You know what, they really are good people.
I see that now.
Oh, yeah.
So, where are we bunking down? Bunking down? Yeah, Jim.
Remember that favor you promised them? Yes.
Yeah.
Well, they are going to be staying with us for a week.
Isn't that great? Yeah.
Why don't you guys take our room.
Oh, no.
We couldn't.
No.
I insist.
It's the biggest, most comfortable bed in the house.
Swell.
I only say "no" once.
Cheryl, what are you doing? Here they are.
Oh, look! Yeah.
This is Bubble Bubble Gumdrops and this is Ned.
Oh, hello! Hi.
How are you, Ned? How about that? Listen, Cindy.
My doctor thinks I need to take it easy for a while.
So, I'm going to go to my sister Dana's for a few days.
Oh! Yeah.
Oh! So, it's just going to be me and Tim, Jim, Bubble Bubble Gumdrops and Ned? Well, yeah.
And the kids.
- Okay.
- Well, don't you worry.
Don't you worry, 'cause we're not going to let this big honey bear out of our sight.
Oh, thanks so much.
Oh, kiss me, Bubble Bubble Gumdrops.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
Cheryl.
Yeah? Cheryl, you can't do this to me.
Oh, honey, they're good people.
I see that now.
Hey, listen.
I'll send for my things.
Oh, Cheryl!