All In The Family s02e22 Episode Script
Edith, the Judge
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days come on, Edith.
We'll miss the bus.
Be there in a minute.
What's she doing up there? Calm down, daddy.
Yeah, arch.
Your bus doesn't leave for an hour.
You got plenty of time.
What's the big rush? The big rush is, it takes 40 minutes to get into Times Square.
It takes five minutes to walk over to the bus terminal.
It takes another six minutes to buy the tickets.
That leaves only four minutes for your mother-in-law to go to the ladies room, which she's always got to do.
That's why I never wanna take her no place.
Edith, hurry up or the ladies room is out! Go on.
Get her, will you? For a guy who's been complaining about this trip for the last three weeks, you sure seem in a hurry to get there.
It'll be a cold day in hell When I'm in a hurry to see Edith's cousin maude.
I just hate missing buses, that's all.
It started with me a long time ago.
One day Edith and me, we got to get over to bayside hospital.
We missed the q-5 bus.
Had to wait 20 minutes to get another one.
I thought Edith was gonna give birth to Gloria right there on the sidewalk.
When Edith was having Gloria, you took her to the hospital on a bus? That's right, meathead.
The subway don't run to bayside.
Come on, Edith.
I'm all packed, Archie.
Oh, my, it's gonna be so exciting.
We'll be so busy.
There's the bridal shower tonight, and then tomorrow is the bridal supper.
And, of course, Saturday is the big day.
Wrong, Edith.
Sunday's the big day.
That's the day we take the bus home.
If your cousin maude says one wrong word to me, we're gonna be leaving before the bride takes the shower.
Daddy, her only daughter's getting married.
Cousin maude will be in a good mood.
She'll welcome you with open arms.
I don't care what she's got open, as long as she's got her big mouth closed.
Get everything here.
Good-bye.
See you later, arch.
Bye, ma.
Have a good time.
Oh, we will.
Maude was thrilled when I told her we was coming.
Look, I don't want Archie bunker here any more than you do.
I invited Edith because I love her.
And everywhere Edith goes, Archie goes.
Like that vaudeville act.
There's the front end of the horse and then there's Archie.
But, mother, inviting him was such a rotten thing to do.
You never said a word about the bunkers, and the guest list was made up six weeks ago.
Honey, if I had told you then, we would have fought for a month and a half.
This way it's only a one-hour brawl and I win.
But, mother, Archie could wreck the whole wedding, and you know that.
And what's gonna happen when he finds out that David is Jewish? I can hear him now.
"Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew.
" Well, let him.
David will know how to handle it.
He'll spot Archie for what he is right away.
Being Jewish he has that wonderful sensitivity that I love so much.
It's a trait of theirs.
A trait of theirs? Mother, will you listen to yourself? What you have just said is a reverse anti-semitic cliche.
You can say that to me? Why, just last month I had a tree planted in Israel.
I happen to feel that Jews are brilliant, which is why I have a Jewish doctor and a Jewish lawyer and a Jewish accountant.
You forgot to mention your brilliant Jewish plumber.
Walter, please, your daughter and I are fighting.
I have just been accused of being anti-semitic.
I never said you were anti-semitic.
You bet I'm not.
I happen to be a Hubert Humphrey democrat.
What does that mean? It means she's not anti-anything.
Carol, when the rosenblatts moved in next door, wasn't I the first one to go over and welcome them? And they have been constantly in and out of this house ever since.
But you hate the rosenblatts.
Because they are constantly in and out of this house.
I can't tell you how I'm dreading this shower.
I don't know why you had to involve me in a wedding in the first place.
David and I have this terrific relationship going just as it is.
Why take a chance on messing it up by getting married? Honey, I know you're just upset because I didn't tell you about the bunkers.
It's not just the bunkers.
It's this whole archaic ritual Of bridal showers and wedding gifts and "thank you" notes.
Carol, I hate bridal showers as much as you do, but after the hundreds of gifts that I've given through the years, my daughter is going to get hers.
Maude, you're a crass materialist.
Right, and you're going to profit by it.
Maude-- please, Walter, we're still fighting.
Good.
While you're hot, we got a little problem with Mr.
dishwasher over here.
He wasn't able to fix the thing, but he still wants 15 bucks for a house call.
You're kidding.
That's right, lady.
That's what I get.
Come over here.
What's your name, honey? Marvin.
Marvin.
Listen, Marvin.
A lot of people might feel that charging $15 for a house call is unreasonable, and I'd like you to count me among them.
Now, look, lady-- quiet.
I'll tell you what we're going to do, Marvin.
I am going to give you this money And you are going to leave with this thought in mind.
"I have just made $2.
00 for doing absolutely nothing.
" Two dollars? No need to thank me, Marvin.
No need to thank me.
Now, let me see you smile.
Lady-- that is a sweet smile, Marvin.
If you had an upper lip, you'd be gorgeous.
Look, lady-- good-bye, Marvin, and have a good life.
Maude, you're beautiful.
Thank you, darling.
You two are really something else.
It's like mom's the police dog and you're the trainer.
Anytime there's a problem, it's "maude, sic 'em.
" It's very simple, Carol.
I'm the firm, quiet, more reserved type who guides.
Your mother, with her more dominant than charming personality, is the killer.
[ Doorbell rings .]
That's the beauty of your relationship.
And that's your women's lib.
Hi, David.
Hi, sweetheart.
I'll be with you in a minute, David.
I just wanna get your present.
That's why I stopped by.
To tell you I can't take you to the bachelor party.
Bernie's car broke down, so I have to pick him up, which gives me a full car.
You know fat Bernie.
But don't worry about it.
Tommy's gonna pick you up.
David, it is unlucky for the groom to fondle the bride before the wedding.
Can I fondle the mother? I'll fondle the father.
Oh, get out of here.
You superstitious? Yes, I am.
Have a nice shower.
Have a nice bachelor party.
Thank God he didn't see you in that wedding dress.
I wanted to ask you about that dress.
What? Don't you like it? It's fine, but how come you're gonna wear white? Because after the wedding, I'm gonna sell good humors.
Walter, brides wear white.
It's a symbol of purity and innocence.
And for what you're thinking, bite your tongue.
I was just wondering, that's all.
She was married before.
She has an eight-year-old son.
She's had a half dozen affairs.
So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky u-turn Back to purity and innocence? God'll get you for that, Walter.
Walter, I'm wearing white because mother insisted that I wear white.
If I had my own way, I'd wear pink polka dots.
And as for that bit about the bride being virginal While the groom can be anything he wants Is just another example of typical male chauvinism.
Oh, come on.
And you talk about women's lib.
Walter, I am shocked.
How can you talk to your daughter that way? She's not my daughter.
She's your second husband's daughter, a fact that really saddens me.
I'm standing here, slowly going broke from this wedding While he's lying comfortably at his grave free and clear.
You know perfectly well that Chester was buried at sea.
On our honeymoon.
Maude, I like Carol.
It's just that at my age, I also like a little peace and quiet, and I've had neither since she moved in here three years ago With that dumb kid of hers.
Phillip is not dumb.
I don't know who created the fiction that every little kid is smart.
But it is a fiction.
Phillip is dumb, maude.
He's a dumb kid.
Phillip is eight years old, Walter.
You are 48, and already he is twice as smart as you are.
For example, do you still intend to give the groom this tonight? - Why not? It's perfect for the occasion.
- [ Doorbell rings .]
It is not perfect, Walter.
It is in rotten taste To give the groom a box of nodoz for the wedding night.
Oh, Edith! Oh, Carol! [ Pounding .]
Now, Archie, I'm gonna give it to you straight so there won't be any trouble.
Carol is marrying a boy of the Jewish faith.
Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew.
What did I tell you? What are you gonna do, maude? You're gonna let me in there? Or you're gonna give me a break and let me go home in peace? Come on in.
Come on, Archie, and say hello to Carol.
What's your new name gonna be? Mrs.
David green.
It's your life.
Say hello to Walter.
Hello, Walter there.
Hello, Archie.
Oh, my, we're gonna have such a good time.
You bet we are.
I just love weddings.
You're telling us, maude.
You've been married yourself four times.
Nothing personal, but a guy could go broke Just buying wedding presents for your side of the family.
Still fighting mental health, huh, Archie? You know, Walter, considering everything, I'm surprised to see you looking so good.
- Watch it, Archie.
- Maude, Archie, this is a wedding, and you promised you wouldn't fight this weekend.
[ Horn honking .]
That's for us, Archie.
Come on.
Let's go.
Where we going? I just got here.
David's friends are giving him a bachelor party and you're invited too.
What do you mean? One of them fun bachelor parties? Yeah.
All the guys are chipping in ten bucks apiece.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Include me out of that there.
Leave it to a hebe to charge admission to his own party.
What's he gonna do, sell tickets to the wedding too? He's all yours, maude.
You know what I like about you, Archie? - What's that, maude? - Nothing.
Maude, I ain't blind.
I notice since I come in here you try to insult me.
Mother, for your sake, I'm trying to control myself, but if he isn't out-- Archie, the shower is for ladies.
And since you ain't going to the bachelor party, wouldn't you like to go back to the motel? Oh, no, Edith.
No dice to that.
I ain't going nowhere without you.
I'm staying here.
I'm gonna plant myself right in the middle of this here couch.
[ Doorbell rings .]
What did I tell you, mother? I knew he'd do something.
I don't know why the-- hello! How are you? Ladies, ladies, come with me.
Come with me.
Ladies! Ladies! I have something to show you.
This is a Mr.
bunker.
And he insists on staying with us girls for the shower.
Edith! Edith! Edith! Come here.
You ain't Edith.
Get out of here.
Edith! Edith! Get over here.
Yeah, Archie.
I'm going.
You got your way.
Stay here.
Enjoy yourself with your dopey friends.
I'll go back to the motel and stay there all alone.
Oh, Archie.
Don't worry, Edith.
He can go back and watch television.
Governor Wallace is on the tonight show and he'll love it.
Bye, darling.
Thank you all for coming.
Thank you, sweetheart.
It was just lovely.
Give my love to Roger.
My God, I'm tired.
That was the best shower I've ever been to.
Oh, the presents is so beautiful, and some of them was so funny.
I thought I'd die When that girl gave you a box of nodoz for your honeymoon.
I'm glad you liked that one, Edith.
Oh, I loved it, especially after you explained it to me.
Edith, you're wonderful.
[ Boy .]
Mommy, I want a drink of water.
Phillip's awake.
I'll be right there, honey.
Let me take it to him, Carol.
I'll tell him a story.
Oh, I ain't told a bedtime story for years.
- Thanks, Edith.
You're a doll.
- Carol, let's have a drink.
We'll clean up the mess later.
Good idea.
A final toast.
This is the second shower I've thrown for you, and may it be the last.
Actually, you haven't thrown me two showers.
This is the first.
This is your second marriage.
So? So, I counted it up on my little fingers and that comes to two showers.
Count again, mother.
Pete and I eloped.
Sweetheart, two showers.
One before you eloped with Peter and one before David.
Mother, you don't have elopement showers.
The shower you're thinking of is the one I threw for you when you married Walter.
Honey, you threw me a shower when I married Albert, not Walter.
Mother, you're getting senile.
You eloped with Albert.
Look, don't tell me who I eloped with.
I eloped with your father and with Fred, not Albert.
I threw you a shower, and it wasn't Albert.
Now, honey, look.
Listen to mother.
In 12 years, we have had three showers, right? So that means you threw me either Albert or Walter Because I threw you Peter and David.
I threw you Walter, but you did not throw me Pete and David, just David.
At least we agree on David and Walter.
Right.
And then I threw you Peter.
You did not.
Four days before you married Peter, I threw you a shower.
Mother, that's impossible.
Pete and I were living together.
People thought we were already married.
That's it.
It was a baby shower.
Get away from me.
What a party.
What a terrific party.
Close the door, stupid.
What are you so angry about? - You were the life of the party.
- David, Walter, what happened? Thanks to David and his friends, the police raided the party.
- The police raided the party? - What do you mean the police raided the party? What police? What raid? Two cops? One was short.
Walter, you were the oldest boy there, and I hold you directly responsible.
And I should've known when your friends got that motel suite That some girls would show up.
David, there were girls at your party? Why not? You had girls at your party.
That's not funny, David.
If you blew that boy's bachelor party, I am sending back the king-size bed.
David, just how many girls were at the party? Well, let's see.
There were the two brunettes.
- There was a redhead with a guitar.
- Don't forget the belly dancer.
The belly dancer? There was a belly dancer.
There was a redhead with a guitar.
You already mentioned her.
Yeah, she was the standout.
She rode him around the room piggyback Singing "marching to pretoria.
" David! What's the matter? You don't like that song? I can't believe this.
That's what you do.
It's a bachelor party.
You fool around.
Two days before the wedding? We're individuals, right? You got two days.
You can fool around if you want.
That's not the point.
Wait a minute.
What happened to that liberated female I'm gonna married With all those speeches that come pouring out of your mouth, all those liberal views? You're right, David.
I'm sorry.
Anything you did at your bachelor party is okay.
After all, I'm no angel myself.
- And that's the truth, David.
- Mother, please.
What's the difference? Once we're married, I won't be fooling around anymore.
We'll be living in that new house I bought today, and everything will be fine.
- What? - Oh! I wanted it to be a surprise.
I bought us a new house today.
You bought a house today? Tudor.
He bought you a house.
Oh, you darling, you bought her a house.
Mother, this is between David and me.
You bought a house And you didn't ask me about it? Wait till you see the kitchen.
The kitchen is fabulous.
I'm not gonna be in the kitchen.
Electric stove.
I don't even like to cook.
When you quit your job, you'll love to cook.
I'm gonna decorate.
Wait.
Stop.
Go back.
I'm gonna decorate.
Further than that.
About my job.
And you quit your job.
Uh-uh.
I'm not gonna quit my job.
Of course you're gonna quit your job.
Who's gonna take care of the kids? Kids? We're gonna have three kids-- you have decided on three children - And you haven't asked me? - You'll get them.
You'll get them.
Mother, will you go over there and sit down? But, honey-- - Walter.
- Maude, sit.
What if I don't want any more kids? I already have one.
That's right.
She already has a kid.
Phillip is not dumb.
David, suppose I don't want any more children? Of course you're gonna want children.
That's a woman's function-- [ screams .]
I don't believe I'm hearing this.
I don't believe you've planned my whole life for me without consulting me.
You bought a house.
I had to move fast on the house.
That was a good bargain.
I should've known you couldn't pass up a good bargain.
- What is that supposed to mean? - I don't know.
Is that some reference to the fact that I'm Jewish? Do you wanna see if I bleed? You wanna see if a Jew bleeds? Walter, give me the knife.
You want a pound of my blood? - Don't be foolish.
- David, stop it.
What's the matter with you people? Don't you know Jews are like everybody else? We drink, we gamble, corral, unfaithful to our wives.
That's not true.
Everybody knows that Jewish boys make the best husbands.
It's a known fact.
Look it up.
On the surface, that sounds all right, but that's an anti-semitic remark.
Walter, come on.
Let's go.
It's your turn.
Let's go.
Well, you are talking with your hands.
Walter! He's kidding! He's kidding! Tell him you're kidding! I knew it.
I was waiting for this.
My mother told me it might take a year, two years, maybe three, but sooner or later, if I married into this family, one of you would crack, and the anti-semitic remarks would come pouring out.
Hold on just a minute.
You said you've been waiting for this.
You've been waiting for something like this to happen.
For two years, while I've been loving you, you've been waiting for me to make an anti-semitic remark.
Do you know what that is? That is anti-gentile feeling on your part.
We all feel that way.
Aha! Aha! I said that? I said that.
That came out of my-- wow.
Well, that's, uh-- well, where do we go from here? I'll tell you exactly where we go from here.
Walter, get the champagne, and we'll forget everything that's been said.
Mother, it's not possible to forget everything that's been said.
I'm really surprised at you.
David, you gave me no idea.
The wedding is off.
To the bride and groom.
Not to this bride and groom.
To freedom.
To my new house with the "for sale" sign in front.
To the bride and groom.
To living my own life.
I said, "to the bride and groom.
" You don't understand.
David and I have decided to cool it.
Cool it? What does that mean? That means the wedding is off.
What? Thirty women just ate $200 worth of food here.
I got a banquet hall hired and a caterer waiting for the reception.
Can I see you for a moment? Yes.
I know.
I guess we have a lot to talk about.
I'll call you.
We'll have coffee.
Okay.
Wait a minute, David.
Where you going? I said wait a minute.
What am I gonna do with a three-piece band? Tell them to play "marching to pretoria.
" David.
David! David! David! See you next week at the American civil liberties meeting? Oh, Carol, honey.
You know, I'm not very good at quiet talk.
Yelling is my long suit.
I don't know.
I'm trying to say something and I hope it comes out right.
What I'm trying to say is, I want you to know that I care.
I know you care.
Thank you, mother.
Oh, honey, listen.
Everything passes in time.
And who knows? David may still work out.
Even if it doesn't, it'll work out with somebody else.
Look at us.
It took your mother four tries before she was lucky enough to get me.
See why I love that man? His modesty.
What's going on? Am I missing something? Only the wedding, Edith.
It's off.
Oh.
I wondered what she was laughing at.
Geez, I'm glad somebody's laughing and having a good time here.
Archie, what are you doing here? The same thing I was doing at the motel, Edith-- not sleeping.
They was having a wild party over there.
People screaming and yelling.
One crazy dame was marching to astoria.
Around 11:00 I couldn't take it no more.
I had to call the cops to come and break it up.
I should've known.
I should've known too, maude.
I never would've went to the joint.
You fink.
Huh? If you hadn't called the cops, nothing would have happened.
What is she talking about? If there hadn't been a raid, there never would have been this fight here tonight.
Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding.
Well, then that makes us even, maudie, 'cause you ruined my weekend.
Ow! You stepped on my foot.
Maude, I had a marvelous time.
Carol, I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Thanks, Edith.
Yeah, Carol, I was gonna tell you-- Archie, there's no need to apologize.
All you did was mess up a party.
I messed up my own wedding.
That's what I was gonna tell you.
It ain't my fault.
Come on, Edith.
We've got a long trip.
Let's get going.
Bye.
Bye.
Keep smiling there, maudie.
Archie.
Here.
You don't wanna forget your wedding present.
Oh, no.
I tell you what you do, maude.
You keep it here on what you call a deposit for the next wedding.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days come on, Edith.
We'll miss the bus.
Be there in a minute.
What's she doing up there? Calm down, daddy.
Yeah, arch.
Your bus doesn't leave for an hour.
You got plenty of time.
What's the big rush? The big rush is, it takes 40 minutes to get into Times Square.
It takes five minutes to walk over to the bus terminal.
It takes another six minutes to buy the tickets.
That leaves only four minutes for your mother-in-law to go to the ladies room, which she's always got to do.
That's why I never wanna take her no place.
Edith, hurry up or the ladies room is out! Go on.
Get her, will you? For a guy who's been complaining about this trip for the last three weeks, you sure seem in a hurry to get there.
It'll be a cold day in hell When I'm in a hurry to see Edith's cousin maude.
I just hate missing buses, that's all.
It started with me a long time ago.
One day Edith and me, we got to get over to bayside hospital.
We missed the q-5 bus.
Had to wait 20 minutes to get another one.
I thought Edith was gonna give birth to Gloria right there on the sidewalk.
When Edith was having Gloria, you took her to the hospital on a bus? That's right, meathead.
The subway don't run to bayside.
Come on, Edith.
I'm all packed, Archie.
Oh, my, it's gonna be so exciting.
We'll be so busy.
There's the bridal shower tonight, and then tomorrow is the bridal supper.
And, of course, Saturday is the big day.
Wrong, Edith.
Sunday's the big day.
That's the day we take the bus home.
If your cousin maude says one wrong word to me, we're gonna be leaving before the bride takes the shower.
Daddy, her only daughter's getting married.
Cousin maude will be in a good mood.
She'll welcome you with open arms.
I don't care what she's got open, as long as she's got her big mouth closed.
Get everything here.
Good-bye.
See you later, arch.
Bye, ma.
Have a good time.
Oh, we will.
Maude was thrilled when I told her we was coming.
Look, I don't want Archie bunker here any more than you do.
I invited Edith because I love her.
And everywhere Edith goes, Archie goes.
Like that vaudeville act.
There's the front end of the horse and then there's Archie.
But, mother, inviting him was such a rotten thing to do.
You never said a word about the bunkers, and the guest list was made up six weeks ago.
Honey, if I had told you then, we would have fought for a month and a half.
This way it's only a one-hour brawl and I win.
But, mother, Archie could wreck the whole wedding, and you know that.
And what's gonna happen when he finds out that David is Jewish? I can hear him now.
"Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew.
" Well, let him.
David will know how to handle it.
He'll spot Archie for what he is right away.
Being Jewish he has that wonderful sensitivity that I love so much.
It's a trait of theirs.
A trait of theirs? Mother, will you listen to yourself? What you have just said is a reverse anti-semitic cliche.
You can say that to me? Why, just last month I had a tree planted in Israel.
I happen to feel that Jews are brilliant, which is why I have a Jewish doctor and a Jewish lawyer and a Jewish accountant.
You forgot to mention your brilliant Jewish plumber.
Walter, please, your daughter and I are fighting.
I have just been accused of being anti-semitic.
I never said you were anti-semitic.
You bet I'm not.
I happen to be a Hubert Humphrey democrat.
What does that mean? It means she's not anti-anything.
Carol, when the rosenblatts moved in next door, wasn't I the first one to go over and welcome them? And they have been constantly in and out of this house ever since.
But you hate the rosenblatts.
Because they are constantly in and out of this house.
I can't tell you how I'm dreading this shower.
I don't know why you had to involve me in a wedding in the first place.
David and I have this terrific relationship going just as it is.
Why take a chance on messing it up by getting married? Honey, I know you're just upset because I didn't tell you about the bunkers.
It's not just the bunkers.
It's this whole archaic ritual Of bridal showers and wedding gifts and "thank you" notes.
Carol, I hate bridal showers as much as you do, but after the hundreds of gifts that I've given through the years, my daughter is going to get hers.
Maude, you're a crass materialist.
Right, and you're going to profit by it.
Maude-- please, Walter, we're still fighting.
Good.
While you're hot, we got a little problem with Mr.
dishwasher over here.
He wasn't able to fix the thing, but he still wants 15 bucks for a house call.
You're kidding.
That's right, lady.
That's what I get.
Come over here.
What's your name, honey? Marvin.
Marvin.
Listen, Marvin.
A lot of people might feel that charging $15 for a house call is unreasonable, and I'd like you to count me among them.
Now, look, lady-- quiet.
I'll tell you what we're going to do, Marvin.
I am going to give you this money And you are going to leave with this thought in mind.
"I have just made $2.
00 for doing absolutely nothing.
" Two dollars? No need to thank me, Marvin.
No need to thank me.
Now, let me see you smile.
Lady-- that is a sweet smile, Marvin.
If you had an upper lip, you'd be gorgeous.
Look, lady-- good-bye, Marvin, and have a good life.
Maude, you're beautiful.
Thank you, darling.
You two are really something else.
It's like mom's the police dog and you're the trainer.
Anytime there's a problem, it's "maude, sic 'em.
" It's very simple, Carol.
I'm the firm, quiet, more reserved type who guides.
Your mother, with her more dominant than charming personality, is the killer.
[ Doorbell rings .]
That's the beauty of your relationship.
And that's your women's lib.
Hi, David.
Hi, sweetheart.
I'll be with you in a minute, David.
I just wanna get your present.
That's why I stopped by.
To tell you I can't take you to the bachelor party.
Bernie's car broke down, so I have to pick him up, which gives me a full car.
You know fat Bernie.
But don't worry about it.
Tommy's gonna pick you up.
David, it is unlucky for the groom to fondle the bride before the wedding.
Can I fondle the mother? I'll fondle the father.
Oh, get out of here.
You superstitious? Yes, I am.
Have a nice shower.
Have a nice bachelor party.
Thank God he didn't see you in that wedding dress.
I wanted to ask you about that dress.
What? Don't you like it? It's fine, but how come you're gonna wear white? Because after the wedding, I'm gonna sell good humors.
Walter, brides wear white.
It's a symbol of purity and innocence.
And for what you're thinking, bite your tongue.
I was just wondering, that's all.
She was married before.
She has an eight-year-old son.
She's had a half dozen affairs.
So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky u-turn Back to purity and innocence? God'll get you for that, Walter.
Walter, I'm wearing white because mother insisted that I wear white.
If I had my own way, I'd wear pink polka dots.
And as for that bit about the bride being virginal While the groom can be anything he wants Is just another example of typical male chauvinism.
Oh, come on.
And you talk about women's lib.
Walter, I am shocked.
How can you talk to your daughter that way? She's not my daughter.
She's your second husband's daughter, a fact that really saddens me.
I'm standing here, slowly going broke from this wedding While he's lying comfortably at his grave free and clear.
You know perfectly well that Chester was buried at sea.
On our honeymoon.
Maude, I like Carol.
It's just that at my age, I also like a little peace and quiet, and I've had neither since she moved in here three years ago With that dumb kid of hers.
Phillip is not dumb.
I don't know who created the fiction that every little kid is smart.
But it is a fiction.
Phillip is dumb, maude.
He's a dumb kid.
Phillip is eight years old, Walter.
You are 48, and already he is twice as smart as you are.
For example, do you still intend to give the groom this tonight? - Why not? It's perfect for the occasion.
- [ Doorbell rings .]
It is not perfect, Walter.
It is in rotten taste To give the groom a box of nodoz for the wedding night.
Oh, Edith! Oh, Carol! [ Pounding .]
Now, Archie, I'm gonna give it to you straight so there won't be any trouble.
Carol is marrying a boy of the Jewish faith.
Good night, nurse.
She's marrying a Jew.
What did I tell you? What are you gonna do, maude? You're gonna let me in there? Or you're gonna give me a break and let me go home in peace? Come on in.
Come on, Archie, and say hello to Carol.
What's your new name gonna be? Mrs.
David green.
It's your life.
Say hello to Walter.
Hello, Walter there.
Hello, Archie.
Oh, my, we're gonna have such a good time.
You bet we are.
I just love weddings.
You're telling us, maude.
You've been married yourself four times.
Nothing personal, but a guy could go broke Just buying wedding presents for your side of the family.
Still fighting mental health, huh, Archie? You know, Walter, considering everything, I'm surprised to see you looking so good.
- Watch it, Archie.
- Maude, Archie, this is a wedding, and you promised you wouldn't fight this weekend.
[ Horn honking .]
That's for us, Archie.
Come on.
Let's go.
Where we going? I just got here.
David's friends are giving him a bachelor party and you're invited too.
What do you mean? One of them fun bachelor parties? Yeah.
All the guys are chipping in ten bucks apiece.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Include me out of that there.
Leave it to a hebe to charge admission to his own party.
What's he gonna do, sell tickets to the wedding too? He's all yours, maude.
You know what I like about you, Archie? - What's that, maude? - Nothing.
Maude, I ain't blind.
I notice since I come in here you try to insult me.
Mother, for your sake, I'm trying to control myself, but if he isn't out-- Archie, the shower is for ladies.
And since you ain't going to the bachelor party, wouldn't you like to go back to the motel? Oh, no, Edith.
No dice to that.
I ain't going nowhere without you.
I'm staying here.
I'm gonna plant myself right in the middle of this here couch.
[ Doorbell rings .]
What did I tell you, mother? I knew he'd do something.
I don't know why the-- hello! How are you? Ladies, ladies, come with me.
Come with me.
Ladies! Ladies! I have something to show you.
This is a Mr.
bunker.
And he insists on staying with us girls for the shower.
Edith! Edith! Edith! Come here.
You ain't Edith.
Get out of here.
Edith! Edith! Get over here.
Yeah, Archie.
I'm going.
You got your way.
Stay here.
Enjoy yourself with your dopey friends.
I'll go back to the motel and stay there all alone.
Oh, Archie.
Don't worry, Edith.
He can go back and watch television.
Governor Wallace is on the tonight show and he'll love it.
Bye, darling.
Thank you all for coming.
Thank you, sweetheart.
It was just lovely.
Give my love to Roger.
My God, I'm tired.
That was the best shower I've ever been to.
Oh, the presents is so beautiful, and some of them was so funny.
I thought I'd die When that girl gave you a box of nodoz for your honeymoon.
I'm glad you liked that one, Edith.
Oh, I loved it, especially after you explained it to me.
Edith, you're wonderful.
[ Boy .]
Mommy, I want a drink of water.
Phillip's awake.
I'll be right there, honey.
Let me take it to him, Carol.
I'll tell him a story.
Oh, I ain't told a bedtime story for years.
- Thanks, Edith.
You're a doll.
- Carol, let's have a drink.
We'll clean up the mess later.
Good idea.
A final toast.
This is the second shower I've thrown for you, and may it be the last.
Actually, you haven't thrown me two showers.
This is the first.
This is your second marriage.
So? So, I counted it up on my little fingers and that comes to two showers.
Count again, mother.
Pete and I eloped.
Sweetheart, two showers.
One before you eloped with Peter and one before David.
Mother, you don't have elopement showers.
The shower you're thinking of is the one I threw for you when you married Walter.
Honey, you threw me a shower when I married Albert, not Walter.
Mother, you're getting senile.
You eloped with Albert.
Look, don't tell me who I eloped with.
I eloped with your father and with Fred, not Albert.
I threw you a shower, and it wasn't Albert.
Now, honey, look.
Listen to mother.
In 12 years, we have had three showers, right? So that means you threw me either Albert or Walter Because I threw you Peter and David.
I threw you Walter, but you did not throw me Pete and David, just David.
At least we agree on David and Walter.
Right.
And then I threw you Peter.
You did not.
Four days before you married Peter, I threw you a shower.
Mother, that's impossible.
Pete and I were living together.
People thought we were already married.
That's it.
It was a baby shower.
Get away from me.
What a party.
What a terrific party.
Close the door, stupid.
What are you so angry about? - You were the life of the party.
- David, Walter, what happened? Thanks to David and his friends, the police raided the party.
- The police raided the party? - What do you mean the police raided the party? What police? What raid? Two cops? One was short.
Walter, you were the oldest boy there, and I hold you directly responsible.
And I should've known when your friends got that motel suite That some girls would show up.
David, there were girls at your party? Why not? You had girls at your party.
That's not funny, David.
If you blew that boy's bachelor party, I am sending back the king-size bed.
David, just how many girls were at the party? Well, let's see.
There were the two brunettes.
- There was a redhead with a guitar.
- Don't forget the belly dancer.
The belly dancer? There was a belly dancer.
There was a redhead with a guitar.
You already mentioned her.
Yeah, she was the standout.
She rode him around the room piggyback Singing "marching to pretoria.
" David! What's the matter? You don't like that song? I can't believe this.
That's what you do.
It's a bachelor party.
You fool around.
Two days before the wedding? We're individuals, right? You got two days.
You can fool around if you want.
That's not the point.
Wait a minute.
What happened to that liberated female I'm gonna married With all those speeches that come pouring out of your mouth, all those liberal views? You're right, David.
I'm sorry.
Anything you did at your bachelor party is okay.
After all, I'm no angel myself.
- And that's the truth, David.
- Mother, please.
What's the difference? Once we're married, I won't be fooling around anymore.
We'll be living in that new house I bought today, and everything will be fine.
- What? - Oh! I wanted it to be a surprise.
I bought us a new house today.
You bought a house today? Tudor.
He bought you a house.
Oh, you darling, you bought her a house.
Mother, this is between David and me.
You bought a house And you didn't ask me about it? Wait till you see the kitchen.
The kitchen is fabulous.
I'm not gonna be in the kitchen.
Electric stove.
I don't even like to cook.
When you quit your job, you'll love to cook.
I'm gonna decorate.
Wait.
Stop.
Go back.
I'm gonna decorate.
Further than that.
About my job.
And you quit your job.
Uh-uh.
I'm not gonna quit my job.
Of course you're gonna quit your job.
Who's gonna take care of the kids? Kids? We're gonna have three kids-- you have decided on three children - And you haven't asked me? - You'll get them.
You'll get them.
Mother, will you go over there and sit down? But, honey-- - Walter.
- Maude, sit.
What if I don't want any more kids? I already have one.
That's right.
She already has a kid.
Phillip is not dumb.
David, suppose I don't want any more children? Of course you're gonna want children.
That's a woman's function-- [ screams .]
I don't believe I'm hearing this.
I don't believe you've planned my whole life for me without consulting me.
You bought a house.
I had to move fast on the house.
That was a good bargain.
I should've known you couldn't pass up a good bargain.
- What is that supposed to mean? - I don't know.
Is that some reference to the fact that I'm Jewish? Do you wanna see if I bleed? You wanna see if a Jew bleeds? Walter, give me the knife.
You want a pound of my blood? - Don't be foolish.
- David, stop it.
What's the matter with you people? Don't you know Jews are like everybody else? We drink, we gamble, corral, unfaithful to our wives.
That's not true.
Everybody knows that Jewish boys make the best husbands.
It's a known fact.
Look it up.
On the surface, that sounds all right, but that's an anti-semitic remark.
Walter, come on.
Let's go.
It's your turn.
Let's go.
Well, you are talking with your hands.
Walter! He's kidding! He's kidding! Tell him you're kidding! I knew it.
I was waiting for this.
My mother told me it might take a year, two years, maybe three, but sooner or later, if I married into this family, one of you would crack, and the anti-semitic remarks would come pouring out.
Hold on just a minute.
You said you've been waiting for this.
You've been waiting for something like this to happen.
For two years, while I've been loving you, you've been waiting for me to make an anti-semitic remark.
Do you know what that is? That is anti-gentile feeling on your part.
We all feel that way.
Aha! Aha! I said that? I said that.
That came out of my-- wow.
Well, that's, uh-- well, where do we go from here? I'll tell you exactly where we go from here.
Walter, get the champagne, and we'll forget everything that's been said.
Mother, it's not possible to forget everything that's been said.
I'm really surprised at you.
David, you gave me no idea.
The wedding is off.
To the bride and groom.
Not to this bride and groom.
To freedom.
To my new house with the "for sale" sign in front.
To the bride and groom.
To living my own life.
I said, "to the bride and groom.
" You don't understand.
David and I have decided to cool it.
Cool it? What does that mean? That means the wedding is off.
What? Thirty women just ate $200 worth of food here.
I got a banquet hall hired and a caterer waiting for the reception.
Can I see you for a moment? Yes.
I know.
I guess we have a lot to talk about.
I'll call you.
We'll have coffee.
Okay.
Wait a minute, David.
Where you going? I said wait a minute.
What am I gonna do with a three-piece band? Tell them to play "marching to pretoria.
" David.
David! David! David! See you next week at the American civil liberties meeting? Oh, Carol, honey.
You know, I'm not very good at quiet talk.
Yelling is my long suit.
I don't know.
I'm trying to say something and I hope it comes out right.
What I'm trying to say is, I want you to know that I care.
I know you care.
Thank you, mother.
Oh, honey, listen.
Everything passes in time.
And who knows? David may still work out.
Even if it doesn't, it'll work out with somebody else.
Look at us.
It took your mother four tries before she was lucky enough to get me.
See why I love that man? His modesty.
What's going on? Am I missing something? Only the wedding, Edith.
It's off.
Oh.
I wondered what she was laughing at.
Geez, I'm glad somebody's laughing and having a good time here.
Archie, what are you doing here? The same thing I was doing at the motel, Edith-- not sleeping.
They was having a wild party over there.
People screaming and yelling.
One crazy dame was marching to astoria.
Around 11:00 I couldn't take it no more.
I had to call the cops to come and break it up.
I should've known.
I should've known too, maude.
I never would've went to the joint.
You fink.
Huh? If you hadn't called the cops, nothing would have happened.
What is she talking about? If there hadn't been a raid, there never would have been this fight here tonight.
Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding.
Well, then that makes us even, maudie, 'cause you ruined my weekend.
Ow! You stepped on my foot.
Maude, I had a marvelous time.
Carol, I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Thanks, Edith.
Yeah, Carol, I was gonna tell you-- Archie, there's no need to apologize.
All you did was mess up a party.
I messed up my own wedding.
That's what I was gonna tell you.
It ain't my fault.
Come on, Edith.
We've got a long trip.
Let's get going.
Bye.
Bye.
Keep smiling there, maudie.
Archie.
Here.
You don't wanna forget your wedding present.
Oh, no.
I tell you what you do, maude.
You keep it here on what you call a deposit for the next wedding.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.