Ally Mcbeal s02e22 Episode Script

Ally, breakfast is getting cold! Coming.
You'll be late for the fair! - You'll be late for court! - I said, I'm coming, Renee.
- I'm playing the guitar.
- I've got a microphone.
I want one too.
- You 're bad! - Oh, thanks.
- That was so funny.
- That was awful.
Oh, thanks a lot.
We should do that again.
Love's lllusions It was a wonderful engagement and wedding.
I thought, a wonderful marriage.
Then I discovered the diary.
Let's stop.
How did you discover your wife's diary? It was on the computer.
She left it on.
I thought it was just some Internet stuff, but as I read- Could you summarize what you read? Love letters going back 11 years, from before we married.
- Married-? - Two years.
- And the letters? - I have to renew all my objections! This is a no-fault state.
The content- This isn't a divorce proceeding.
It's for fraud.
Another of my objections.
T o haul this in a criminal courtroom- You've noted your objections many times.
Please sit.
Unless you'd like to object to the hardness of the chair.
Mr.
Philbrick, since defense raises the question - how do you feel defrauded? - She married me for my money.
She didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me.
- She said this? - It's in the letters.
I confronted her and she admitted it.
She was 30, wanted to get married and I was husband material.
But she didn't love me.
The vow she took it was a lie.
The letters were written to? - A man named Michael Redmond.
- This man is he a real person? T o my knowledge, he is not.
He's somebody she made up.
This 11-year affair didn't really exist, did it? The person didn't exist.
If you ask Kelly, the affair did.
- That she didn't love me is true.
- Wait a second.
Is it true that she didn't love you? She loves me like a pet.
Or a sibling.
She's never been in love with me.
- But she does love you? - Not as the love of her life.
Which she looked at me and claimed I was.
It was a lie.
It was a lie Miss McBeal? Miss McBeal.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
The judge just didn't turn into Al Green and sing, right? I didn't pay attention.
I believe he sat quietly.
Is she mental? What was that question? Some people see things as they are and ask why.
- She sees them as they never were.
- But she's a lawyer.
You wrote to a man who wasn't there.
But I knew he wasn't really there.
I never had to ask.
Do my knee.
You expect to march in whenever and have me service your knee pit? Yes.
Quickly, I have meetings.
No.
- Excuse me? - I said no.
- Give me your finger.
- No.
Forget throwing hair at me.
A relationship is more than sex games.
We're adults.
I have emotional needs, believe it or not.
Mature partners embrace companionship- - What do you want? - Intercourse.
Morning, night, nooners.
First of all, nobody has ever been able to make love to me twice in one day.
After the six month, 12-step semen retention plan, I might- Ever been to ice cream stores where if you eat the first sundae, you get the second free? I've heard a lot of talk.
Time to put your mouth where the money is.
Remember our first kiss, Richard? And how long it took for you to recover? I have sick leave coming.
All right, if you truly think you' re ready.
T onight.
- One thing you need to know first.
- What? Remember how I hate sweat? Yes.
Except for sex.
When it comes to sex, I sweat.
I drip.
See you tonight.
We move for a directed verdict.
- He said his wife did love him.
- She wasn't in love then.
The vows say nothing about being "in love.
" - Don't play word games.
- I'm not the one playing games.
This prosecution, in addition to being unprecedented, is Poughkeepsie! Yes! Ridiculous! I mean, to sue a woman for fraud- You could prosecute every wife in America! You don't think women marry for love? The vows also say "honor and obey.
" I doubt women intend to.
You're playing! She said she loved him.
She lied.
She enjoys a financial windfall as a result.
It's tantamount to stealing.
Your motion is denied.
How much alimony do you pay? Are you looking to be held in contempt? If you were suddenly to treat me with contempt, how would I know? John, that was not smart.
This case is so outrageous.
- If she wasn't in love with him- - Please.
Men lie to get women into bed.
Women lie to get men to marry.
Do you believe that? They feel pressure to marry before their biological clock stops.
If there's no soul mate, they compromise.
- I wouldn't! - You' re less afraid of being alone.
What? I'm terrified of ending up alone! That's your biggest fantasy of all.
Truth is, you'd probably be happier being alone.
Excuse me? It's sad to want something you don't have but worse to have something you don't want.
If you do marry, he'll end up something you don't want.
- Why do you say that? - Because what you do want he isn't out there.
- He isn't? - Nope.
Secretly, I think you know that.
It's why you have this ability to look at a judge and see Al Green.
T o look at a cloud and see cotton candy.
Unconsciously, you know the only world that won't disappoint you is the one you make up.
That isn't true.
I do those things because I'm nuts.
I will find somebody, someday.
I'm just crazy.
That's why I see things that aren't there.
I love this world.
Perhaps one day you'll choose to live in it with the rest of us.
- I promised Richard sex tonight.
- You did? He's pressuring me.
It's so messy.
Their brains all over the sheets.
Do you really not like sex? It's not that I don't- I love it.
Sorry, thought I heard somebody say "sex.
" Like a homing pigeon Why don't you like it? I don't like how men judge you on it.
I thought you were phenomenal.
If a woman is good in bed, men assume she's a slut.
- I'm great in bed.
But I am a slut.
- Hello.
Hi.
I'm just stopping by to say hi.
- What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
Can't I just say hi to the girls? - What's wrong? - Nothing.
I Listen I'm taking a little straw poll.
Do any of you ever think you'll find a guy who's "the one"? The love of your life? Over and over again.
Why do you ask? Oh, this case.
You know the idea that people do marry the person of their dreams.
It does happen, right? Well I'm late for court.
Hey! - Looking straight ahead might help.
- Sorry.
We all have love and the need to share it.
I didn't have anybody.
- So you made somebody up? - Yes.
I could have started the letters, " Dear Diary.
" It seemed hopeful to pretend I was writing to somebody.
After a while, I imagined what he might look like.
The sound of his voice.
His smell.
And it made me feel less alone to do so.
Okay, but at some point you met somebody real.
Very.
Yes.
Yet you continued to write your imaginary friend.
When a person's been in your life for nine years it's hard to let go.
Turning attention to the letter you wrote on April 9, 1997 your wedding day you defined it as "the loneliest day of your life.
" - Yes.
- Can you explain that? As much as I loved Barry, to walk down the aisle exchanging vows with a man I didn't feel passion for it was a bitter disappointment.
And, of course I couldn't very well share it with my husband so, as a result, it was a very lonely day.
And the truth is it still hurts.
But I did love you, Barry.
I still do.
- What? - Sex with Ling tonight? What? Oh.
Yeah.
No biggie.
Yeah.
Bye, guys.
- Fun to be single.
- Yeah.
- Remember the first time we? - I have a vague memory.
- Do married people not get excited? - You're half right.
Married women don't get excited about it.
Why do you say I don't? I do.
The only time I see you truly lit up it means you bought new furniture.
I work.
I'm tired at the end of the day.
And you are not a morning person, so How about the middle of the day? You want to hop into a stall and- It's something single people would do.
- In a million years- - You don't think so? Be careful what you wish for.
You're right.
It was fun thinking about it for a second.
Yeah.
- Why'd you lie? - I didn't.
Prior to marriage you never said he was the love of your life? When I said that I wanted to believe it.
But you admitted you didn't believe it on your wedding day.
- Why marry him? - It wasn't to get his money.
I quote from your wedding vows: "You will be my partner in life and my one true love.
" Yes.
As I explained- Yet the letter describes the agony of speaking these words looking at a man you'd never feel passion for.
- A marriage is more than passion.
- Did you tell him this? Do you think he'd have gone through with it, knowing your feelings? Maybe not.
a baby.
Time's running out.
- It wasn't like that.
- It was! - Objection.
- Overruled.
- She never left him.
- Objection.
T estimony.
- You're being argumentative.
- T ake your seat.
How can you declare under God, under law with witnesses he was your "one true love," when he wasn't? - Because he was close enough? - Maybe.
Objection! No.
I'll answer.
I think I was at a point- I didn't think I'd meet anyone who'd measure up to the romanticized version of a husband I concocted for myself.
And Barry was a sweet, caring man.
We shared the same interests.
I knew he'd be a good father- On some unconscious level I maybe did think "close enough.
" And love it's probably all an illusion, anyway.
Objection! Objection! Objection! That's right.
Miss McBeal? Miss McBeal? Withdrawn.
Elaine.
You've had fantasies before.
This was hallucinating.
A fantasy is by choice.
I actually thought the guy was Al Green, and it's your fault.
- My fault? - Yes! - What you said upset me! - What? About me preferring to be alone because I won't find anybody.
No.
I said, "Everybody compromises.
" Ask any counselor what's important to a relationship.
Compromise.
It's a different kind! Compromise in marriage is different from deciding on a partner! Why is it different? It's not normal for people to marry when their hearts aren't in it! She shouldn't face prosecution, but she shouldn't have gone through with it.
Fine, sympathize with her but if you identify with her, I feel sorry for you because there has to be passion! Work on your dismount.
Figures the one marriage that would have passion would be theirs.
I wouldn't prosecute, but come on.
- Marry for money, without love? - It wasn't for money.
- You said he looks like a gerbil.
- Hamster.
I'd think you wouldn't sympathize, not holding out for heart's content.
Maybe hearts don't get content.
Maybe John, Ling, Nelle and you and the rest of the entire world maybe you' re all right.
Maybe it's this case.
It's just- I'm fine.
Good night.
Did you think about it? Do you think about me? About how hard I work to support this family? - I have kids asking, "Where's Daddy?" - Daddy is at work! With highs in the mid to upper 70s with early morning cloudiness.
We'll be back- You ready? This is an E-ticket with a minimum size requirement to ride.
What's this? It's just boilerplate.
It says you have no heart conditions seizures, or back injury.
You want me to sign a waiver? - And a confidentiality agreement.
- A confidentiality agreement? I have trade secrets.
Are you-? Am I on a hidden camera show? Camera's rolling! Action! What's wrong? - You can't just do that.
- Do what? Roll on top of a man and yell action.
- Look.
You frightened him.
- Where'd he go? He turtled.
You scared him.
Chicago Hope.
Why should I help? Last time you called me a "vicious lesbian.
" - That was my partner.
It was strategy.
- Doesn't excuse it.
Our client is facing jail.
You're the best counselor/sociologist- Don't butter me up.
I'm not a potato.
Money.
- Excuse me? - We'll pay you.
My opinions aren't for sale.
No, we're paying for your time to give them in court.
Please.
I won't be vilified.
- You called me a "muscle car.
" - Again, that was my partner.
We won't vilify you.
I promise.
"Fly the friendly skies" later? - Need you.
Emergency.
- I'm off to court.
Emergency! - "Dead," dead? - First time in my life.
Ever.
- It happens.
- Not to me.
I pet a poodle- Boing! - If anything, it's too automatic.
- I'm due in court.
Who cares? My first chance with Ling, I'm string cheese.
It could be a mental thing.
They say the penis never forgets.
During emotional or spiritual crisis who do you look to? - Bob Dole.
- Look there once more.
It was a riddle.
It was some kind of a riddle.
- What happened? - I bumped it.
When you fell all coital with Georgia? Yes, it would be that.
- Hey.
You seen Ally? - She left for court.
- Already? - Something wrong? Truth? I'm a little worried.
This case has her upset.
- What's with the eye? - Accident.
- Your booty call in the bathroom? - Yes, this would be that.
This "soul mate" business is a dangerous myth.
- Why? - It's bunk.
More than half of marriages end in divorce.
This institution isn't good.
The reason for high failure is that people go into it using passion and heart tugs as criteria.
- It's foolhardy.
- How does this pertain here? Miss Philbrick, probably got married for the right reasons.
She picked a man she had companionship with.
She liked his values and believed in his parenting skills.
This is reasonable thinking.
As opposed to marrying somebody because you like his pecks.
The district attorney draws attention to these vows.
Wedding vows.
Please.
That's just archaic ceremony jargon.
" Love, honor, obey.
" Please.
Let's not forget the vows also speak to total acceptance.
Nine out of 10 women when they marry their agenda is to remake him, cut him off from his friends and undermine his way of life.
This isn't about sociology, but fraud.
Balls! It's about a time-honored traditional mating dance.
People say, "You're the one," all the time.
She lied.
It's not as easy- Marriage itself is the biggest falsity.
Society drills it into us that, suddenly, when we reach 20 we'll find that one person who's all things.
Come on.
Nobody's everything.
- What does this have to do-? - What she did was healthy and loyal.
Instead of running off, she created a fantasy life.
Most would renovate and sleep with the contractor.
This is about a deceptive statement.
This is about the legitimacy of her marriage commitment.
I'm telling you- May I speak? As if I could stop you.
Marriage would enjoy a better success rate if everybody approached it on the same pragmatic level she did.
How long before do I take it? The half-life is about four hours.
T ake it 30 to 60 minutes before sexual commencement.
Does it-? Will it wait for me or does it like a toaster? It doesn't produce spontaneous erections.
It needs sexual stimulus.
Because me, I mean a cute poodle, and- Well, bygones.
Any side effects? For you or the poodle? Funny.
Ever thought of making a living as a comedian or just- Some men may experience headache, nausea facial flushing, diarrhea, or urinary tract infections.
I'll start you at 25 milligrams.
That's low.
You shouldn't have a problem.
Leave the name of your pharmacy.
We'll call in the prescription.
Thank you.
And truthfully, you're a funny guy.
What are you doing? What are you doing here? Biscuit called.
He's worried about you.
So am I.
Everything I ever believed in What is wrong? My mother never loved my father.
They' re still together.
She never loved him.
When I was 3 and he was away I got up in the middle of the night because my ear hurt.
And I walked into my parents' bedroom and she was there with a man I'd never seen before.
That was the day I started pretending.
People want to know why I can romanticize love into this illusion.
It's because I got an early start.
Maybe it is just sex and joint checking accounts and liking the same movies.
Let it go, Ally.
No.
Let yourself cry.
I can't.
I got to go give a closing argument.
Is she coming? And she's okay to do the closing? Okay.
They found Ally at home.
- What's going on? - She's really cracking up this time.
- So nothing happened? - If it did, it didn't happen to me.
Ling.
Sausage.
Hot dog.
Footlong.
Steal you a second? - I'd like a rematch.
- Don't worry about it.
It's all we guys worry about.
I was thrown off by the waiver.
I'd like a second chance.
It's a blessing.
I don't crave sex, and you're no good.
We could be a perfect match.
You didn't see the real me.
I didn't see anything.
Now there's something.
One more chance.
Or I never go near your knee pit again.
This isn't about the true meaning of love.
It's simply and only about fraud.
She made false representation.
The victim relied on them to enormous financial and emotional detriment.
Frauds don't get any bigger.
It's time the law offered these victims some protection.
It's time.
Miss McBeal.
She's being prosecuted for fraud.
Because she married somebody who wasn't the man of her dreams.
We'll have to build more prisons if we start arresting people for this.
I suppose the real fraud is this mind set ingrained in us since childhood that people get the person of their dreams.
Most don't.
Does that mean she shouldn't marry or have the right to commit herself to a man she loves? And she was committed.
She never left.
She wasn't unfaithful.
Unless you count those blasted dreams.
And to criminalize people for fantasies would be like living in Alabama.
I've spent my life doing what she's done.
Loving the one not there, somebody I've never met.
I have a rough idea of what he looks like.
I have a more specific take on what he thinks and what he feels.
I have an almost exact sense of how he makes me feel.
I've never met him.
I may never meet him.
I've actually been told that he's not even out there.
The men or women in our dreams live in our dreams.
In the real world, we should be allowed to settle for those who come close.
And that's what she did.
And it was the reasonable thing to do.
They didn't take long.
Hopefully this is good.
They may have dismissed the case out of hand.
You agree, Ally? Yeah.
This is a good sign, I think.
Will the defendant rise? - The jury's reached its verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
What say you? In Commonwealth versus Philbrick, one count criminal fraud we find the defendant not guilty.
- Excellent.
- Thank you, both.
- So it's over? - It's over.
Just check in with probation.
Thank you so much.
Am I crazy? Two people marry, they should be in love.
Madly.
Am I crazy? You're not crazy, Mr.
Philbrick but I'm afraid it might be our little secret.
- Hey.
Ready? - All set.
How's the eye? It should be okay in about a day or so.
I kind of wish it would stay.
It's sexy.
You're quite pleased about our little act of mischief.
What? Why isn't it tired? What, are you, French fry? I've never had one outlast me before.
It's just a case.
You can't personalize it like that.
You're probably right.
- I'm meeting Nelle.
Join us? - No.
I'm heading home.
I'm beat.
Sure? Hey! Congratulations.
We won.
Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
Okay.
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