Black-ish (2014) s02e22 Episode Script

1 Dre: As a father, there's nothing better than the birth of your first son.
Your son is the person who is supposed to carry on your legacy, your flyness, someone you hope will be just like you.
So it's a real kick in the berries when you find out your son isn't a damn thing like you.
I'm gonna go try on my tights.
It's even worse when you find out not only is he not like you He's not like anybody.
- I want to have a Bar Mitzvah.
- A? - I'm gonna go with either Schlomo or Schmuel.
- What? You get to be my best man.
Ohh! Bachelor party at Medieval Times! Ahh.
I finally got the coffee order right! Ohh! So there's nothing more exciting than realizing your son might be more like you than you thought and that he might have a shot a social life that doesn't involve action figures and wizards.
Dre: Hey, son.
- What's up? - Can I talk to you for a second? Oh.
Yeah.
Um, are these kids here to copy your homework? No.
They're my friends.
Okay, go, go, go, go.
Go play with your friends.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Babe, babe, you'll never guess what happened.
Huh? Junior is over there with his friends, and they are talking about the Drake-Meek Mill beef, right? Said that Drake "bodied" Meek.
And I said, "Son, is that good?" and he looked at me and laughed.
Okay? He sonned me, Bow.
He said I'm the guy that's probably still listening to Meek Mill.
He bodied me.
That means he destroyed me.
That is very disrespectful.
I should talk to him.
- Oh, yeah.
Try it.
- Okay.
- He'll son you, too.
- What? And I have never been prouder.
[Laughs.]
Those guys he's with - [Sighs.]
- they say they're his friends, but I think they're probably trying to get to me.
Okay, Dre, Junior's been hanging out with Wes and Kevin for the last couple of weeks.
They're clicking.
Uh, please, Bow, they are not clicking.
- Okay.
- All right? They are vibing and on their way to a lituation.
And if you were cool, you would know that that is a lit situation.
- Did you just look that up, Dre? - Nope.
Give me your phone.
It's, uh It's out of battery power.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
[Cellphone rings.]
That's my, uh That's my out-of-battery-power ring.
- Okay.
- It's just letting me know - that we can't do nothing with it no more.
- Right.
Dre, I don't know what the big deal is.
Junior has always had friends.
Yeah, but not like these.
What? This is a game changer.
- What? - Bow - Huh? - I think I love him now.
- What? Dre - I really feel it Hey, Mom, can my boys come over tomorrow? - Oh, no, sweetheart.
- Yes! - We've got the - Yes, son! - We have - Your boys can come over tomorrow! Can I also get the new Jordans coming out this Saturday? - Maybe for your birthday.
- Quiet, woman! What the? - Yes.
- Rainbow: Uh Yes, you can get the new Jordans coming out on Saturday, son.
Oh, my God.
[Voice breaking.]
This is gonna be your first pair of real kicks.
- Uh - Dad, are you crying? No! Okay, okay, okay.
- Junior, I love you! - Oh, my God.
[Crying.]
Kids, come on! Who broke this?! [Chuckles.]
Ohh! Ohh! My ankle! What got in your way, the floor? [Laughs.]
You're in pain.
- It really hurts.
- Are you okay? - I'm okay, it's just - Okay, great.
Come on.
Who broke this?! It wasn't me.
Me, neither.
Don't look at me.
- [Grunts.]
- Ruby? Hmm? Yeah? Oh, are you asking so you'll know who to thank? - No - It's hideous glassware.
[Scoffs.]
It's just hideous.
- [Sighs.]
- Hmph.
What? What What are you hmph-ing about? Oh, no, I'm I'm sorry.
I'm not judging.
I-I just don't have good "hmph" control.
No, tell me.
I-I-I want to know.
Well, I know I've only been working here a few months.
It's just It seems to me that a lot of things get broken around here, and nobody seems to know who did it or how.
- Oh.
- But she caught me on the counter [Glass breaks.]
Wasn't me Saw me bangin' on the sofa - It wasn't me! - It wasn't me! I even had her in the shower - It wasn't me.
- It wasn't me.
She even caught me on camera - [Screams.]
- wasn't me - Saw the marks on my shoulder - Let me guess.
- Wasn't me - It wasn't you.
Well, Vivian, kids are supposed to lie a little.
Hmph! I'm sorry.
I-I did it again.
It's just my mama used to always say if you lie, you steal.
If you steal, you kill.
Yeah, well, moms don't know everything.
Well, none of my mom's kids ever killed anybody except Thelonious.
- What? - Mm I just know I wouldn't let my kids do me like that.
But you know what? it's not my house.
[Sighs.]
- [Chuckles.]
- Uh, uh Uh Yeah, well I are you gonna? Hmm.
Oh, look at this! The boys are back.
The crew.
The posse.
The wolves.
The homies.
#SquadGoals.
Dad, you're giving us douche chills.
Oh, still sonning me.
[Chuckles.]
What the hell happened to your shoes? We were playing basketball.
But Boy, you never play basketball in basketball shoes! You wear them to weddings, funerals, and the Grammys.
Then you dust them off and resell them on eBay and get you some more.
It's the circle of life, son! [Laughter.]
Your dad's funny.
- I got to go.
- Yeah, me, too.
I've got the Obama fundraiser.
Another place you could have worn your shoes.
Hey, uh, Wes, how is it that you're able to go to the Obama fundraiser? He kind of has to.
It's at his house.
Yeah, Obama's coming over early to shower.
Obama's showering at your house? Well, the Malibu house.
How How How many houses do you guys have? Me personally or my parents? Well, you know.
- 'Cause I just have the one in Brentwood.
- Uh I haven't asked my parents how many houses they have.
That would be gauche.
Ah, it's It's I "Gauche.
" Borrowed from the French "gauchir," meaning to be socially awkward, clumsy.
Used in a sentence "When Dre doesn't want to make eye contact with me at the urinal, that is gauche.
" Who talks like that? Hmm? Dre: Can you believe these rich brats with their Obama fundraisers? Dre, Junior is gonna be fine, okay? It's It's good that he's hanging out with wealthy people.
Wealthy people are superior.
- Yeah.
They're worth more.
- Wealthy lives matter, Dre.
What? Uh, oh, okay, that came out wrong.
Uh, wealthy lives matter most.
- There we go.
- Yeah, that's what I meant.
See, that is what I'm worried about.
I don't want Junior to lose touch with reality.
Th-That is ridiculous.
Do I seem out of touch to you? - Hmm? - Okay.
How much does a loaf of bread cost? $195.
Josh: Boom.
Nailed it.
You are completely out of touch.
Okay, all right.
So I don't do my own shopping.
I'm not a woman.
[Chuckles.]
Honestly, Dre-Doggy-Dawg, Junior hanging out with rich folks can only be a good thing.
Hmm.
When I needed a kidney, my parents' rich friends knew just the right Indian village to go to - to get me a new one.
- Oh, yeah.
Thank you, Sanjay.
[Clicks tongue.]
Namaste.
What you really need to worry about is rich people's best-kept secret.
They like to keep minorities as pets.
Hey.
Did you see the documentary "The Toy"? Hmm? Charlie that was a scripted film starring Richard Pryor.
Was it, Dre? Was it? Yes, Charlie! It was! Yes, it was! The flesh wants everything but wisdom, don't it? - Uh - Wisdom.
Dre, you know what? My God.
Stevens: Your son is going to be fine, okay? Now, seriously, how close was I to the cost of that bread, huh? Was I high or low or what? So, obviously, this anonymous confession box didn't work.
But I still need my confession.
Okay, I'll go first.
- I've broken things.
- Mm-hmm.
I've lied.
I've lied to your father.
[Scoffs.]
Lied about some very important things for a good reason because your father is not very good at handling things, but he forgave me, and I will forgive you as soon as I know who to forgive.
- It wasn't me.
- It wasn't me.
Come on.
Listen, uh, Rainbow, Rainbow, honey, let it go.
Somebody did you a favor.
Choosing dinnerware is not your strong suit.
You know, like cooking or cleaning or wearing age-appropriate clothing.
- Come on.
- I think [Mutters.]
Can we go now? No.
Thelonious used to talk to Mama just like that.
Now he talks to her on a phone through Plexiglas, okay? - But it's none of my business.
- Mnh-mnh.
Uh, who is that? Come on, guys.
I didn't do it.
Me, neither.
It wasn't me.
That's it! You're grounded! No Kanye concert for you.
Jack, no basketball for you.
No alcohol for you.
And Oh, my God.
Is there anything that you love? - Revenge.
- No vengeance for you.
Get out! Ruby: Listen.
I don't - It's not - [Shouts indistinctly.]
I'd say I was gonna get you for this, but I guess that's off the table.
Keep walking.
Ow! Stevens doesn't even know the cost of bread, Bow! Why are we talking about bread? Because God only knows the kind people that Junior hanging out with.
Who invites a 14-year-old to fly on their private jet to see a Warriors playoff game? - They did that? - Yes! - They're monsters.
- Right? Uh, Dre, if you're so worried about who these people are, then why don't you just go meet them? - You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
Junior's going over to Wes' house for a sleep-over tomorrow night.
I will introduce myself then.
I'll play it cool.
[Gasps.]
I'll wear all my jewelry.
- Do you want my ring? - Unh-unh.
That's too much.
But have you seen my grill, though? - N-No.
- Damn it.
I threw it away, Dre.
- Why would you do that? - Oh, my God.
- Welcome.
- Wow! This is an amazing view.
Oh, thank you.
That's exactly what Obama said.
Of course, he was trying to get me to write huge check, so [Chuckling.]
Barry.
Yo, you want to go watch the next "Lego Movie"? - 'Cause we have it.
- Oh.
- Wes: Yeah? - The next "Lego Movie"? It isn't even out yet.
Hell, does Warner Bros.
even have it? [Scoffs.]
And how can you see a movie in here with all this sunlight? Oh, no, no, no.
We We don't watch movies in here.
I mean, the sun puts on a show for us every single day.
But, no, we we take the evator down to the movie room.
Junior: Oh, uh, Dad, we're heading downstairs, so don't worry about me.
The driver's bringing me home tomorrow.
Okay.
So you can go.
All right, the sooner the better.
Cool.
Is that a skull? Yeah.
Sure is.
Yeah, it used to hold the brains of a saber-toothed tiger.
Now it holds just some gum.
Dre: Oh.
Can I get you something to eat, by the way? Sure.
What do you have? Well, touch of a button, I can get you anything you want.
Anything? Literally anything.
So, what if, uh, I said, like, a hamburger? - Sure.
How would you like it cooked? - Oh, uh, mm Mnh-mnh.
Mnh-mnh.
Chicago deep-dish pizza.
South Side or North? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, hold on.
Wait a minute.
Let's make this count.
Sushi-inspired Thanksgiving dinner.
Ah, I love that.
We had that two nights ago.
Uh Want to take a seat out on the veranda? - Sure.
- Okay.
You'd have to take off your shoes, please.
- To go outside? - Yeah.
Okay, I'm not about to miss this concert for something that I didn't even do.
Whoever broke that glass needs to come clean.
All right, listen, listen.
I know exactly what to do.
In the Bible, they're always dealing with this kind of crap.
- Huh? - What we need is a sacrificial lamb.
Jack: No! We need to stick together.
Ride or die! All for one! Don't let them get into our heads, okay? We can do this! - Jack did it.
- He told us.
Smashed it right up.
Mm-hmm.
Saw it with my own eyes.
- Diane: Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Must be cool to have your own private beach, huh? Oh, yeah.
Well, not exactly private.
Spielberg's dog Jaws thinks he owns the place.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Well Ah, I can't believe I'm hitting golf balls into the ocean.
I think you're about 100 yards short, but I get the idea.
Sorry, Steven.
Oh.
My bad, S.
S.
! - That's not - No? - That's not appropriate.
- Okay.
He doesn't He doesn't prefer that.
Ahh.
So, does, uh Now, does Junior play golf? Wes and I hit up Pebble.
You know, maybe the four of us could chopper up there sometime.
Ah, chopper to Pebble.
Yeah.
Those words have come out of my mouth before now.
[Chuckles.]
Well, if if golf's not your thing, what what do you and Junior like to do? Together? We play video games.
Wes loves video games.
Oh.
Now, I set him up with an internship at Riot Games in Tokyo.
Oh.
Really? Now he's fluent in Japanese.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Nice! - Mm-hmm.
Well, Junior's looking to intern this summer, too.
- Oh, that's great.
- Mm-hmm.
Where? Uh Uh, he has lots of options.
- Uh, th-the U.
N.
- Great.
And there's NASA.
Fantastic.
You know, but he really doesn't have the time because he's so busy playing polo.
Oh, fantastic.
What club do you belong to? Uh Marco Polo.
It It It's a It's a black-only polo club.
See, my my my grandparents They They founded the first black bank back in, ooh, 1979? You know, it's called Johnson Mutual.
You know, we had Ben Vereen and and and Scatman Crothers as our ambassadors.
Yeah, yeah, we have old black money.
- Hmm.
- Aunt Jemima old black money.
- Okay.
- It's dusty.
- Right.
- Yeah, you know, but we don't really talk about that.
You know, that's, uh That's gauch-ay.
[Chuckles.]
- Right.
- Yeah.
Are you okay, Dre? Yes! Would you excuse me for a second? Uh, be right back.
Sure.
Hey.
Oh.
Mystery solved.
The girls told me Jack did it.
Oh, and you're just gonna take their word for it? [Scoffs.]
No! Oh.
I'm obviously gonna talk to Jack to make sure that he did it, which he did, because my kids don't lie.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, except for in this instance, w-which he did.
But he's He's about to tell me the truth.
[Chuckles.]
Hmph! [Chuckles.]
Hmm Ooh! Ooh! Oh, hey.
Where's your sink? Oh, yeah, it's right down the hallway in the bathroom.
What did you think of my Moroccan humidor back there, huh? Why do we have to leave? We were halfway through the new "Lego Movie.
" Because everything is not awesome, all right? We had to get up out of there.
Those people are bad liars.
And they're probably gonna lie to you about an innocent mistake that I didn't make.
Dad, what are you talking about? They are bad people with bad values and misleading porcelain chairs.
For God's sake, who would leave magazines right next to it?! Did you use the bathroom in You have changed! Because the old Junior would not accuse me of that.
[Engine starts.]
They were gonna keep you as a pet, son.
Didn't you see "The Toy"? I saved your life.
[Tires squeal.]
- [Door opens.]
- Hey.
What are you doing home? I hate Dad! [Door closes.]
Well, that I can understand.
What happened, Dre? He is embarrassed by his father for no apparent reason.
Hmm.
No reason.
Well [Violin playing.]
[Laughing.]
Oh, my God.
[Snorts.]
Oh.
Okay, Dre, how could you possibly mistake that for - Look, you weren't there, okay? - [Groans.]
Well, now you're gonna have to kill yourself.
I should have never let him hang with those kids.
What does that have to do with anything? Because now that he's seen that world, he's gonna be embarrassed by me.
Look, when I was 15, I walked this girl, Valerie Emmett, home.
Her family was rich, and they had this fancy house in this fancy neighborhood.
Her mother opened the door in a Chanel suit, wearing pearls.
My first thought was, "I can never show her where I live.
" [Siren wailing, dog barking.]
Straight outta Compton There's a crazy brother named Ice Cube From the super-dope gang with an attitude I suddenly became embarrassed by where I was from.
Dre, your mother's fashion choices, beliefs, and personality aside you had nothing to be ashamed of.
Plus, we put Junior in that school so that he could see a lot of different points of view.
It doesn't mean he's gonna lose his own.
You're right.
But how's he gonna admire me? I don't have anything prehistoric to put my gum in.
You will one day.
Okay.
[Indistinct conversation, Jack grunting.]
Mom's got you doing trash as punishment? Yeah.
It's so heavy.
- Well, sucks for you, homey.
- Dude.
Yeah, it does suck because I didn't even do it.
Then, wait why'd you say you did? I didn't want you to miss out on the Kanye concert, and didn't want you to miss out on revenge.
I thought if I confessed, Mom would forgive me.
I guess I'm just dumb.
Dumb, clumsy Jack.
Mm-hmm.
You know what? Let us help you.
You need to go rest your leg.
Really? Mm-hmm.
I guess so.
Thank you, guys.
You're the best.
Careful with that one.
It's full of fish guts.
See, look at that.
See how they're helping their brother? You know, maybe I don't do it like you, but what do I know? I'm just a mother of four kind, trustworthy, honest kids.
If he's so honest, then why Why is he not limping anymore? - [Clicks tongue.]
- Let me break it down for you.
First He broke the glass.
Then Kids! Who broke this?! He had to paint himself as sympathetic.
Ohh! Ohh! My ankle! - Ohh! - Diane: Jack did it.
Zoey: He told us.
Smashed it right up.
Rainbow: Then he found out his partners threw him under the bus.
So he made a plan to confess.
I knocked it off the cabinet? You're doing the right thing.
But then he filled up trash bags with fish guts to make them pay.
Oh! [Indistinct conversation.]
And he thought he got away with it.
If you knew the whole time, then why didn't you just crack his ass the old way? Well, I had a hunch, but I couldn't prove it.
I mean, if I investigated every cold case around here, I'd never get to enjoy my kids.
So can we have a little less "Hmph!" and a lot more "Huh!"? I'll try.
Okay.
I can't make any promises about my side-eye.
No, no, no.
- Ohh! - Ohh! I It wasn't me! You're grounded! Aah! My plantar fasciitis! Aah! Aah! Aah! [Groaning.]
Help! [Chuckles.]
Hey.
Hey.
[Sighs.]
Oh, Dad, that's a chair and only a chair.
Look, I'm sorry I yanked you out of that house, son.
But look, the thing is, there are gonna be people who have more than you.
But the trick is to not get freaked out by it.
Are you talking to me or talking to yourself? [Sighs.]
Myself, I guess.
You are my son, so I assume you're just like me, except you're a lot smarter than I am.
- And a lot less insecure.
- Uh And I can tell what's a chair and what's a toilet.
- Okay, look, son - [Sighs.]
I don't ever want you to feel that I'm not enough for you.
Dad, don't worry.
You're enough.
Mm.
And if I'm being honest, probably too much.
Mom and I talk about it a lot.
- [Sighs.]
- Sometimes, it's all we talk about.
I am a lot.
You are.
We can never go back there, you know? I know.
I know.
Ohh.
My bad.
Yeah.
Anything you want for breakfast, you can have.
- Anything? - Anything.
Okay, uh, poached quail egg with brioche and mango.
Oh.
Uh, uh, uh - would also like I was kind of hoping that you would say "cereal.
" - Oh.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, so, Apple Jacks.
- Or? - Rai-i-i-i- Raisin Bran.
- Ah! - Great! - With milk.
- Or? So this really only works if I said dry Raisin Bran.
Ah! Excellent choice! Hold on.
Let me grab that for you.
Just like at Wes' house.
Hmm.
[Blows.]