Cougar Town s02e22 Episode Script

Previously on Cougar Town: Travis, look.
I know that you asked a girl to marry you and she said no, and that just really sucks, but you can't run away from your life, honey.
Oh, please.
You're beautiful.
- What is with the stomach kiss? - He's trying to jump-start my uterus.
I'm stuck in this town.
Stuck here forever.
Just this morning, I saw this big billboard and it said cheap tickets to Hawaii, and I thought, "Yeah, you know, why not?" Why don't I just max out my credit card and just go to Hawaii? - Am I making any sense to you? - Perfect sense.
Travis moved to Hawaii.
We're taking a group vacation! - Yeah! - Yay! Unfortunately, it's to save my son from making a life mistake that he may never recover from in Hawaii! Yeah! Hawaii Can we all try not to act like idiots? Hi, I'm Ted Buckland, but, uh, people call me the Buck.
- I'm betting they don't.
- I'd like them to.
That's when I think about having my own kid, I'm like Grayson, my only son has just thrown away college and is living in a shack with a 50 year-old bald man.
I can't go through this again, honey.
I can't, I'm so sorry, but I'm done with having kids.
You know I love you, right? I love you, too, baby.
I was up all night trying to be OK with not having a kid.
I'm just so overwhelmed about Travis.
And this baby thing is too big to solve this weekend.
OK? Let's just take the whole conversation and cram it back into our suitcases.
Baby in a suitcase.
I love it.
We'll just talk it all through when we get back.
But until then, let's concentrate on having the sexiest trip ever.
Sounds great.
You cool if we brush our teeth first? Oh, God, yes.
Garlic shrimp.
- More pineapple, lover? - Mmm.
Blah! Is it because I'm feeding him pineapple or because I'm calling him "lover"? Blah! E-ticket, what's with the shirt? I'm wearing it for us.
It keeps away all the chatty Cathys that want to be our resort buddies.
You have a soft way about you.
I'll tell you where she won't be wearing it.
The bedroom, what's up? Ellie, I'm not dropping my hand until you five it.
- Have fun.
- Ha ha.
Did you all decide that it's OK for Travis to drop out of college? No.
You know, Trav's having fun now, but he'll regret throwing away that opportunity away when he's - How old am I? - Forty.
forty.
- Why are we pretending - that everything's fine? - Denial kiss.
Mmm.
But look, Travis is an adult Oh, good God, here.
- Thanks.
- Look, we talked about it, and Travis is going to do what he wants.
It's his life.
I am going to say something now that Meredith Baxter-Birney has said in every TV movie I have ever seen.
"I will not give up on that boy.
" - Bravo.
- Nice.
Hey, y'all.
We're from Texas, where are you from? Bam! I'm never taking this off.
- Crap, I forgot my lip gloss.
- I know, me too.
Hey, butter works.
Oh.
I love when you get all hillbilly on me.
It's like that time you got that pregnant raccoon out of my garage just by making that noise.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! There's my sexy girl.
- Hey, lover.
- Blah! - Sorry.
- Look, there's 40 towels-lady.
They're for everyone! - Wait.
Have you seen Seinfeld-guy? - No.
- Why's it so hot? - Where's my lotion? - I'm going to grab a swim, OK? - Ooh.
I love when you grab stuff.
I'm gonna grab a gun.
Stop it.
I'm trying to stay sexy all weekend because I Don't you dare.
I will bother.
I will bother hard.
He wants kids.
You can't hide from that.
It's a bomb.
Eventually it's gonna explode and take your face off.
No face.
Hey.
Do you wanna go fool around? Ah! Man! I've been awake ever since I got here.
I don't get this time zone crap.
How can it be one time here, another time at home? This isn't Star Trek.
I wonder what you're doing in Florida right now? Stop it.
You know how at-home-Ellie is a lame stick-in-the-mud? - Definitely.
- Vacation-Ellie is ballsy.
She likes to take adventures.
I like to take it slow and let the vacation find me.
I married that sentence.
I want to see the wonders of the banyan forest, OK? Get off my ass.
You know this is the first time I've ever been able to take a real vacation? And I want to do it all.
What say I do all the sporty stuff with you, - and all the lady stuff with Andy? - You'd be our vacation surrogate? If that means what I just said, then hell yeah.
- Babe alert.
- Be cool, Ted.
I don't know how.
Well, just go see if we have a hacky sack or something.
Chicks love those.
Hey, how's it going, bro? Good to see you.
You, too.
Gosh.
Hawaii is really good for you.
You should stay here.
Oh, no, wait! Moving here was a huge mistake, Travis.
- Same old Laurie.
- Look.
You can't ditch out on college just 'cause some dumb girl broke your heart.
This is not about Kirsten.
This is me happy.
I will go Animal House on that guitar.
No.
You know what? I'm gonna grab my stuff.
You wanna walk me to work? Yeah, OK.
Ha ha ha.
What are you laughing at, chuckles? Of course it's about the girl.
That's how we bonded, we both had our hearts broken.
My girl's name was Gooch.
She ran off with a guy named Hooch.
Hooch and Gooch? You didn't stand a chance.
No, I did not.
Hooch is crazy.
Mmm.
Ooh.
Let's spin-kiss like in the movies.
- OK.
- OK.
Ready? - One sec - What are you doing? - We're spin-kissing.
- Yeah, I just need to find my multi-vitamins, 'cause I got to take them today.
Oh, here they are.
I meant my birth control pills.
- That's ironic.
- Give me one sec.
I'll find them.
Yay, I forgot them.
How could you forget your birth control pills? They're part of your morning routine song.
# Brush your teeth Wash your face # Take your pill so you won't get pregnant # Don't get that song stuck in my head again.
Let me give you what Andy and I use.
Uhh.
Nothing.
I made him get his manhood snippety-snipped.
They had to do it two times.
Fifty million men of steels.
# Brush your teeth Wash your face # You know, if you added a nice little bridge to that, it could really rock.
Mm.
- I'm so bummed I forgot my guitar.
- Well, you're the only one.
- I hate you.
- Everything here is closed on Sundays.
I don't want to spend the next 24 hours riding around Hawaii on a condom hunt.
Wow, that would make a great reality show.
And why aren't we looking for a condom? I have no idea.
Hercules, Hercules Hey, why are you so mopey? Are you sad 'cause you can't get that coconut? I spent two hours yesterday poking that with a stick.
No, it's not that, it's just Come on! Ugh! - Sorry.
- I can't stop thinking about Travis.
I feel like you and I know better than anyone what it means to mess up your life when you're younger.
That kid is so stubborn.
I wish I knew how to change his mind.
I think I know but he's going to hate me for it.
Well, what do you have to do? Come on, let's go have fun.
Just the two of us.
Score! Date! No, man, it Oh! It's OK, he'll wake up in a few.
Look, I'd love to hang, but I gotta work.
Travis, I miss you.
OK, let's go.
Score! A date! Whoo! Let's get this couple day going.
Hey, Andy, a lei for you.
Whoo! Bobby, it's so pretty.
And, Ellie, a sports drink for you.
Gotta keep it hydrated, baby.
Hells to the yeah.
Now, who gets couple time first? Out of my way, half-pint.
Adventure! Whooo! Keep up, you wuss! I haven't slept in 34 hours! Look at the banyans.
- Pretty cool.
- They're magnificent.
Keep up, you wuss! I haven't slept in 36 hours! Whooo! Man, I'm so tired! Isn't this great? You know, in ancient times, Hawaiian warriors, to prove their manhood, would wait right here, battle sea turtles as they came in to breed.
- Really? - I don't know, maybe.
You jerk.
Oh! It's so beautiful.
- It is.
- Ah! - Oh, my God! Something touched my foot.
- It's just a fish.
Awesome.
Get me out.
Get me out.
- Laurie! - Hey, Blake! Ugh.
Oh, God.
Guess I got to eat the sword and deal with my VBB.
Very Big Biceps? No.
Vacation Boyfriend Breakup.
What's up, baby? Hey, Blake! Hey, they look like suckers.
You ready? Well, you made me rehearse for two hours, so, yeah.
Well, come on.
Hey, guys, where are you fro I'm supposed to start.
- Hey, guys, where are you from? - Kansas.
Man, you're gonna love this place, I promise.
Yeah, just hanging out, having fun in the adult pool.
You know, having adult fun in the adult pool.
This guy knows what you're talking about, don't you, big fella? Are you hitting on us? - No.
Yikes! - My goodness.
- Really? - No, no, no, no.
Wow! Do you have any condoms? Well, there's my boys.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
- I'm gonna give it to you.
- Oh! I had such a great day.
It's the least I could do after the toothbrush incident.
- So you admit you used mine? - No, I just feel bad about it.
Why would you feel bad if you didn't do anything? What I think Ellie is trying to say is thank you.
Oh, anything for my sugar-kids.
Oh.
- Surrogates.
- There it is.
All right.
Come on, I made dinner reservations.
- Awesome, where are we headed? - I thought it would be the two of us, if that's OK? Because I haven't seen him all day.
Yeah, no problem.
You kids go have fun.
You're thinking about being a turtle warrior, aren't you? I would be an amazing turtle fighter.
I had an awesome day today, Travis.
So did I.
You're not thinking about Kirsten at all right now, are you? What? Look, I know that you came here to forget about her, so don't try to tell me that you didn't.
And even though Jules would die if we ever got together, I feel like if I told you it was possible, you would come home and go back to college.
So, what? You're saying it could happen? No, I'm saying that you shouldn't make life decisions because you're running away from one girl or trying to follow another.
So that's what today was about.
Proving a point? No.
Travis, I just I want you to admit that you want to go back to college, and you want to get a cool nerd job.
And have cool nerd kids.
OK, Laurie, you're right.
My mom will be happy.
Great job.
Please don't be mad at me.
It's too late.
I scored a condom.
High school marching band left their suitcases in the lobby.
Total sluts.
Come here, you.
Hey, fella.
- My mom said that I could get my truck.
- Then you should go do that.
I got my truck.
Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! Wait.
What are we doing? I've wanted kids my whole life.
If we're gonna stay together, I have to know that you will at least consider it.
No, the baby's in the suitcase.
This is serious.
I know.
I'm hiding.
I've spent this entire vacation hiding.
Travis is throwing away his life, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm scared of losing you, and I don't know how to fix it.
Everything is falling apart and I'm just running around the beach pretending that it's not.
Can we please just pretend for a few more days? Please? I really wish I could.
Hey.
Have you guys seen Grayson? - No.
- Well, at least you two are here.
You know, this is the first time on this trip that it's been just the ladies.
It's an embarrassment of bitches.
Well, I know why I'm down.
What's going on with her? Travis is coming home.
Oh, my God! That's amazing! He just hates me now.
Oh, honey, tell me what happened.
# Brush your teeth Wash your face # Check your nose Just in case # Eat your breakfast Bacon and eggers # Take your pill so you won't get preggers # Morning routine song! # Whoo! - I bought a ukulele.
- Was it expensive? No, just five bucks.
Why? Andy, give him five bucks.
- That was so rock 'n' roll.
- Uncool.
OK, surrogate, I hope you packed your balls, 'cause we're gonna go hang-gliding over a volcano.
Then, boom, sunset jazz cruise.
No, thank you.
I think I'm just gonna, you know, chill by myself.
Why is everyone so mopey around here? Because the rest of us aren't in a perfect relationship.
Yeah, I'm betting when Bobby imagined his first vacation, he was with someone.
Spending time with you two in a place like this, make anybody want to kill themselves.
We win at couples.
- Yes, we do.
Oh! Free drinks.
- Oh! I'm just so happy you're coming home.
OK, you have two options.
I'm going to give you the biggest hug right now, or the whole walk back to the hotel, we're gonna hold hands.
I reluctantly choose big hug.
Bummer, 'cause you smell like dead fish but Mmm! Oh, dear Lord! Wow! No.
It's ripe, but it's still a nice moment.
One more thing Forgive Laurie.
Travis, you are so young, you have no idea how lucky you are to have a friend that would do anything for you.
I don't know, but I'm going to go grab my stuff.
All right.
Hey, you came all the way here, but you still let me figure things out Solid momming.
I love you.
Oh! You OK? You know, kids are torture.
But moments like that make the whole adventure worthwhile.
I wouldn't know, I got Hooched and Gooched.
- Sounds painful.
- Maybe it was for the best.
We wanted such different things.
If someone's really the one, they should be willing to go on any adventure with you, right? - Right.
- You're tearing up.
Don't worry, I do this all the time.
Now you got me going.
Oh, God.
All right.
How you doing, buddy? Ha! Fine.
To tell you the truth, I'm a little Ionely.
Is it OK if we hang with you? Yeah, I'd like that.
Hi.
Hi.
Thank you for watching out for me.
You know, I really did have an awesome time yesterday.
Me, too.
You know, as far as girlfriends go, I'm a handful.
- This is true.
- I'm bossy insecure, crazy.
- Does that cover it? - Sometimes you're loud.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
And yet you always stay with me.
I'm so lucky to have someone like you.
I will go on any adventure with you.
Cool.
Time to get ready for life back in Florida.
Saddle up, everyone.
No way! What are you You You're here? I didn't I had no id I didn't know.
I grew up I've never been here, so I thought I would see what it was Do you like poi? What a coincidence.
Come on, Tom.
Yeah, bartender! - Come on, Tom.
Have a drink.
- Thank you.
What's up?