Cow and Chicken (1997) s02e22 Episode Script
The Exchange Student
1
And the cheese war rages on
with vicious abandon.
The long-standing dispute between
North and South Mozzarella-ville
is a cheesy mess that defies comparison.
The repercussions
of this dire atrocity span the globe!
These backward, pie-faced people
have been fighting this cheese war
for over two hundred years!
Teacher? What is pie-faced?
Havin' a broad, flat-face
and a vacuous expression, Flem.
I withdraw the question.
Mozzarella and Parmesan forces
are deeply entrenched,
firing cheese at each other
in the barren landscape of destruction.
Surprise guerrilla cheese attacks
are not uncommon
of these pie-faced and desperate men.
You might think these cheese atrocities
are happening in a far away land.
Well, they're not!
The Cheese War is ragin' right next door!
Right next door?
How come I never heard of it?
There's a lot of things
you don't know, Chicken!
That's why you're in school!
As I was saying,
before Chicken's outburst,
the Cheese War rages in
our neighboring county of Mozzarella-ville.
I've got a special surprise for you, kids.
A pie-faced exchange student!
Class, here's our Pie-Faced
Exchange Student!
Slappy McCracken!
Slappy, Class. Class, Slappy.
Welcome to our county.
I'm sure it is quite a change
from what you are used to.
If you want,
I will be happy to show you a-round.
What beauty! I'm in love!
You are so big and fat,
would you please show me your strange,
un-pie-faced world?
All right.
Hey, what does my big boned sister
got that I ain't got?
Milk.
Oh, warm!
Oh, Cow, I am so happy.
I wish never to leave you.
But sadly, Mozzarella-ville is calling.
I must go back and not eat with
my un-washed, pie-faced brethren.
Oh, Slappy McCracken,
Why is your county having
this mean old cheese war, any-who?
It all started two hundred years ago.
A great lard shortage occurred
when the county's pig was over-farmed.
People were starving.
No one knows who threw
the first hunk of cheese, but
It's been cheese terror ever since.
If everyone is starving and pie-faced,
why don't they just eat the cheese
instead of throwing it?
Oh, Cow! You are such a tub of lard!
That is why I love you!
Slappy McCracken,
it is up to us to save your pie-faced,
unwashed peoples!
What the heck is you doing?
Oh, hello, Big Brother!
We are going to cross the DMZ
and end the Cheese War!
She's too big and chunky
to be crossin' no de-metabolized zone!
She'll be seen.
I gotta help!
Hey! Get the chicken!
Cheese bombs!
My pie-faced comrades!
I have brought you a big, fat cow!
Oh, Slappy!
Listen to me, everyone, please stop!
Oh, thank you.
You don't have to bomb
each other with cheese.
You can eat the cheese.
Listen to the crazy Cow!
Eat the cheese?
Please!
May I please have a knife,
so that I may cut the cheese?
Oh, thank you!
Pardon.
See? It's good!
Quelle fromage!
Cheese is not a weapon! It is eatable!
Hey! That's my cheese!
Give it! Give it!
Pig war!
Well, my work here is done,
Slappy McCracken.
I guess this is
Oh, thank you, Cow!
I am going to miss you.
I'll miss you, too.
Okay. Good-bye.
Hey, don't sweat it, Cow.
Mom and Dad would never have
let yous marry that guy, anyhow.
He's different.
But I'll never find someone as
as pie-faced and cheesy as as
Slappy McCracken.
You can always marry Flem and Earl.
What? What? What'd I say?
Well.
Let's race!
Last one to New York is a panty hose!
Why didn't you run?
What are you, stupid?
We only got fifteen seconds.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
or you win pop ♪
I am Weasel. ♪
I just love Weasel!
Smell that fresh air.
That Weasel is so dreamy!
Why, if I could get my hooves on
this hunk of hunk of burning fur,
I would love him, and hug him,
and kiss him, and marry him,
and feed him pies!
I can help you get that Weasel.
Who said that?
I did.
Hello! I'm your bare-skinned rug!
I don't remember
having no bare-skinned rug.
Well, I'll be.
I can get Weasel out of the TV.
But he is not real! He is a cartoon.
He's as real as you and I.
Tell me how to get the Weasel,
Mr. Bare-Skinned Rug!
Well, it's rather simple, my large friend.
All you have to do
is fish him out of the television set!
What about bait, tubby?
Hi! Hold still, little pie!
I am just going to hook you
don't be such a big baby, pie!
Oh, I am so sorry I hurt you, Mister Pie!
Speak to me! Please?
Wait a second. Pies do not talk.
Hold tight, little Weasel Man!
Momma's coming for you!
Then the Weasel went "Pop!" goes me.
Pie!
I am a big fan of pie.
Oh, pardon me, Cow.
But you're getting a bite!
Ho-is-me! You're right!
Oh, come to Momma!
Where do you think you're going?
This air smells like
- like
- Oh, Weasel!
Oh, my Weasel!
The air smells like a farm.
Say, what's the meaning of all this?
Well, I brought you here,
Dear Weasel, to love you
and hug you and kiss you
and feed you pies.
Now listen, lady!
I've got a cartoon to get back to and
Did you say pies?
Oh, why certainly.
I've baked hundreds of them just for you.
I call them
Cow Pies!
Well, I suppose
I could stay just a bit longer.
This is the life.
I wonder how that dumb Baboon is doing?
Well, let's have a look-see, shall we?
Where the heck are that Weasel be?
Hey, Weasel!
Where heck are you be?
Heck are you be? Heck are you be?
He gone. I.R. running show now.
I.R. doing anything I.R. wanting.
I.R. going to sniff finger in public.
What are you thinking of that, Weasel?
Weasel? Where are he?
He's nuts if he thinks
I'd leave you and these pies.
I.R. doing something else.
It bad. But I.R. do it!
I.R. sticking butt into screen!
Boy, that Weasel be here any second now.
Where heck are he?
Nice try, Baboon.
He gone! No use!
I.R. can't run cartoon all by my alone!
I.R. need Weasel!
Weasel, where be you?
I'm here.
Miss Cow?
Your hospitality has been hospitable.
But I'm afraid I must go back.
Somebody needs me.
You are so right, Mr. Weasel.
How could I have been so selfish?
Go, Weasel. Go to your Baboon!
Be free! Be free!
- Miss Cow?
- Yes?
I'm going to need your help.
Weasel!
No worry, Weasel!
I.R. coming to save you!
Oh, silly Cow.
You can't push him through the screen.
You have to send him back the way
he came out.
Allow me.
You see, Cow? It's all physics!
For a rug, you sure are smart!
Company!
Hello. Is Weasel at house?
Baboon!
It's time for "I.B. Red Guy".
Tonight's show, "Ben Panced".
Ladies? Get me out of here!
Red Guy is not happy!
Starting to sweat in here!
Hey, look!
That guy not wearing no pants!
Why, the stuff they get away
with in cartoons these days
is just disgusting.
I cannot bare to look!
Don't turn me off!
I'll never get out!
No!
And the cheese war rages on
with vicious abandon.
The long-standing dispute between
North and South Mozzarella-ville
is a cheesy mess that defies comparison.
The repercussions
of this dire atrocity span the globe!
These backward, pie-faced people
have been fighting this cheese war
for over two hundred years!
Teacher? What is pie-faced?
Havin' a broad, flat-face
and a vacuous expression, Flem.
I withdraw the question.
Mozzarella and Parmesan forces
are deeply entrenched,
firing cheese at each other
in the barren landscape of destruction.
Surprise guerrilla cheese attacks
are not uncommon
of these pie-faced and desperate men.
You might think these cheese atrocities
are happening in a far away land.
Well, they're not!
The Cheese War is ragin' right next door!
Right next door?
How come I never heard of it?
There's a lot of things
you don't know, Chicken!
That's why you're in school!
As I was saying,
before Chicken's outburst,
the Cheese War rages in
our neighboring county of Mozzarella-ville.
I've got a special surprise for you, kids.
A pie-faced exchange student!
Class, here's our Pie-Faced
Exchange Student!
Slappy McCracken!
Slappy, Class. Class, Slappy.
Welcome to our county.
I'm sure it is quite a change
from what you are used to.
If you want,
I will be happy to show you a-round.
What beauty! I'm in love!
You are so big and fat,
would you please show me your strange,
un-pie-faced world?
All right.
Hey, what does my big boned sister
got that I ain't got?
Milk.
Oh, warm!
Oh, Cow, I am so happy.
I wish never to leave you.
But sadly, Mozzarella-ville is calling.
I must go back and not eat with
my un-washed, pie-faced brethren.
Oh, Slappy McCracken,
Why is your county having
this mean old cheese war, any-who?
It all started two hundred years ago.
A great lard shortage occurred
when the county's pig was over-farmed.
People were starving.
No one knows who threw
the first hunk of cheese, but
It's been cheese terror ever since.
If everyone is starving and pie-faced,
why don't they just eat the cheese
instead of throwing it?
Oh, Cow! You are such a tub of lard!
That is why I love you!
Slappy McCracken,
it is up to us to save your pie-faced,
unwashed peoples!
What the heck is you doing?
Oh, hello, Big Brother!
We are going to cross the DMZ
and end the Cheese War!
She's too big and chunky
to be crossin' no de-metabolized zone!
She'll be seen.
I gotta help!
Hey! Get the chicken!
Cheese bombs!
My pie-faced comrades!
I have brought you a big, fat cow!
Oh, Slappy!
Listen to me, everyone, please stop!
Oh, thank you.
You don't have to bomb
each other with cheese.
You can eat the cheese.
Listen to the crazy Cow!
Eat the cheese?
Please!
May I please have a knife,
so that I may cut the cheese?
Oh, thank you!
Pardon.
See? It's good!
Quelle fromage!
Cheese is not a weapon! It is eatable!
Hey! That's my cheese!
Give it! Give it!
Pig war!
Well, my work here is done,
Slappy McCracken.
I guess this is
Oh, thank you, Cow!
I am going to miss you.
I'll miss you, too.
Okay. Good-bye.
Hey, don't sweat it, Cow.
Mom and Dad would never have
let yous marry that guy, anyhow.
He's different.
But I'll never find someone as
as pie-faced and cheesy as as
Slappy McCracken.
You can always marry Flem and Earl.
What? What? What'd I say?
Well.
Let's race!
Last one to New York is a panty hose!
Why didn't you run?
What are you, stupid?
We only got fifteen seconds.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
or you win pop ♪
I am Weasel. ♪
I just love Weasel!
Smell that fresh air.
That Weasel is so dreamy!
Why, if I could get my hooves on
this hunk of hunk of burning fur,
I would love him, and hug him,
and kiss him, and marry him,
and feed him pies!
I can help you get that Weasel.
Who said that?
I did.
Hello! I'm your bare-skinned rug!
I don't remember
having no bare-skinned rug.
Well, I'll be.
I can get Weasel out of the TV.
But he is not real! He is a cartoon.
He's as real as you and I.
Tell me how to get the Weasel,
Mr. Bare-Skinned Rug!
Well, it's rather simple, my large friend.
All you have to do
is fish him out of the television set!
What about bait, tubby?
Hi! Hold still, little pie!
I am just going to hook you
don't be such a big baby, pie!
Oh, I am so sorry I hurt you, Mister Pie!
Speak to me! Please?
Wait a second. Pies do not talk.
Hold tight, little Weasel Man!
Momma's coming for you!
Then the Weasel went "Pop!" goes me.
Pie!
I am a big fan of pie.
Oh, pardon me, Cow.
But you're getting a bite!
Ho-is-me! You're right!
Oh, come to Momma!
Where do you think you're going?
This air smells like
- like
- Oh, Weasel!
Oh, my Weasel!
The air smells like a farm.
Say, what's the meaning of all this?
Well, I brought you here,
Dear Weasel, to love you
and hug you and kiss you
and feed you pies.
Now listen, lady!
I've got a cartoon to get back to and
Did you say pies?
Oh, why certainly.
I've baked hundreds of them just for you.
I call them
Cow Pies!
Well, I suppose
I could stay just a bit longer.
This is the life.
I wonder how that dumb Baboon is doing?
Well, let's have a look-see, shall we?
Where the heck are that Weasel be?
Hey, Weasel!
Where heck are you be?
Heck are you be? Heck are you be?
He gone. I.R. running show now.
I.R. doing anything I.R. wanting.
I.R. going to sniff finger in public.
What are you thinking of that, Weasel?
Weasel? Where are he?
He's nuts if he thinks
I'd leave you and these pies.
I.R. doing something else.
It bad. But I.R. do it!
I.R. sticking butt into screen!
Boy, that Weasel be here any second now.
Where heck are he?
Nice try, Baboon.
He gone! No use!
I.R. can't run cartoon all by my alone!
I.R. need Weasel!
Weasel, where be you?
I'm here.
Miss Cow?
Your hospitality has been hospitable.
But I'm afraid I must go back.
Somebody needs me.
You are so right, Mr. Weasel.
How could I have been so selfish?
Go, Weasel. Go to your Baboon!
Be free! Be free!
- Miss Cow?
- Yes?
I'm going to need your help.
Weasel!
No worry, Weasel!
I.R. coming to save you!
Oh, silly Cow.
You can't push him through the screen.
You have to send him back the way
he came out.
Allow me.
You see, Cow? It's all physics!
For a rug, you sure are smart!
Company!
Hello. Is Weasel at house?
Baboon!
It's time for "I.B. Red Guy".
Tonight's show, "Ben Panced".
Ladies? Get me out of here!
Red Guy is not happy!
Starting to sweat in here!
Hey, look!
That guy not wearing no pants!
Why, the stuff they get away
with in cartoons these days
is just disgusting.
I cannot bare to look!
Don't turn me off!
I'll never get out!
No!