Dharma & Greg s02e22 Episode Script

Dr.
Morris, dial 118, please.
Dr.
Morris.
Dharma.
Is Gregory going to be all right? - What happened? - He's fine.
He's fine.
'M just doing his paperwork.
Do you have any mental illness in your family? Not until recently.
Dharma, what happened? Why is he here? What about your aunt with all those bees in her freezer? Edward.
What happened? You know those two loose tiles by the toilet? - No.
- Sure you do.
When you're sitting down they are there on the right.
- Yeah, by the paper.
Would you please.
Anyway, we decided to fix the tiles.
- Dharma? - In here.
Hey.
I just played the greatest round of golf in my life.
- Good for you.
- Hey, you ever Ever made love to a guy who shot three under par? Okay.
Why do you ask me these questions? It just makes you mad.
Hey.
Larry and I fixed those two loose tiles in the bathroom.
- Oh, great! - You' never guess what ese we did.
Does it have something to do with the wall? Sn't it great? T was Larry's idea.
T's ike a skyight but sideways.
That's caed a window, Larry.
- Tod you he'd be critica.
- He's getting used to it.
Won't get used to it.
Peope wi see me shower in the morning.
You should shower at night.
During the day, you need your natural oils for protection.
No, there's not gonna be a window here.
Okay.
How about an aquarium? Put the wall back, Larry.
I kind of like the idea of more light in here.
How about we use frosted glass bricks.
That way we can still have privacy.
Aren't you afraid it will look like a Moroccan disco? I like glass bricks, Larry.
We, it's your bathroom.
You should have it any way you want.
I want it with a wall.
Greg, glass bricks would be nice.
Fine.
Do you know how to do that? Only one way to find out.
No.
No, there's not.
Bird in the bathroom.
Good luck all day.
Larry, what are you doing? - Freaking out.
- Why? I was thinking about the hole in the wall and suddenly it hit me.
Maybe it's not a hoe in the wa, maybe it's a wa around a hoe.
That right, because the hole was here first.
Somebody just covered it up with wall.
Dharma, stay with me.
Larry, you have got to fix the wall.
You mean the hole.
Because where there is wa, it's fine.
Larry! Honey, nobody ever patched a hole with anger.
Okay.
How can I speed this along? Take my van to the hardware store and buy some glass bricks.
- Fine.
Anything else? - See if they have a book on how to do it.
That's good, Larry.
That's thinking ahead.
Can I have your keys? - Which one's the key to the van? - Don't have a key to the van.
Don't have a key to the van.
Hey, what are you doing? 'M hot-wiring Larry's van.
Why don't you stea that Mustang across the street.
T's way nicer.
No, I need the van to get glass bricks so I can fix the hole in our bathroom.
Whie you're working in there why don't you fix those two loose tiles by the toilet? On the right? On the left.
- My right, your left.
- Exactly.
You know, that's not how you hot-wire a car.
No, this is how Larry told me to do it.
You just connect the Sounds like someone is trying to rip off my van.
Larry.
Larry, Larry, it's So he got electrocuted? Oh, yeah.
His eyebrows were all frizzled and his shoes were smoking.
And Jane said you could see his skeleton.
- Oh, my God.
- Reax.
That's not why he's here.
But it is why his watch goes backwards now and none of his credit cards work anymore.
Why is he here? - What happened? - Okay, after Jane hot-wired the van and Greg remembered who he was, Greg went to the hardware store.
Larry! In the bedroom.
I need some help.
Okay, follow my voice.
- Thanks a lot.
- No problem.
What are you doing now? - Well, I got to thinking.
- Oh, no.
It was pretty dark in this room too.
Turn on the light, Larry, open the curtain.
That's one way.
Larry.
Why are there a bunch of little holes in our ceiling? Was wondering why there's ceiing around those little holes.
Why did you do that? They are test holes.
Test holes! What in God's name are test hoes? 'M trying to find the best pace for the skylight.
How could you do that? - We are practically done in the bathroom.
- Done? We have birds in there.
And why are you feeding them? They wi eave if you don't feed them.
Where is Dharma? She went to get my level.
She thought you'd ike it better that way.
Larry.
T's raining.
Well, we sure need it.
Are you insane? Is there something fundamentally wrong with you? Where did that come from? 'Ve had it.
That's it.
Get out! Now? But 'm not finished yet.
No, no, and you never will be.
Every minute you're here we get further and further away from finished.
That is so true.
Get out! Okay, fine.
May I have the keys to my van, please? - Greg? - In here.
Oh, test holes.
Are we getting a skylight? No.
- Then what are the test holes for? - You know 've been reay patient with your father but whatever part of his brain survived the '60s clearly gets fried when he starts the stupid van.
Where? Where is he? - I kicked him out.
- You kicked him out? He's immature, unreiabe.
- Don't want him in my house anymore.
- N your house? Where's your house? You know what I mean.
Hi, Abby.
Is Larry back yet? Okay, will you have him call me when he gets back? No, there's just this itte probem between him and Greg.
Nothing that a good hug woudn't fix.
Hang Hang on.
What are you doing up there? 'M trying to patch your father's stupid hoes! Yeah, it might take more than a hug.
Yeah.
No, don't think Greg woud go to a sweat lodge with Larry right now.
Abby, I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Oh, God, are you okay? 'M fine.
'm just lying here trying to decide whether your father is a hole surrounded by ass or - Oh, my Lord, he fell through the roof.
- Yeah, but that's not why he's here.
'M going to sit down.
Dharma, I insist you tell us what happened.
- Relax, Kitty.
Do you want some gum? - No.
- Stress mint? - What happened to my son? Okay, Kitty, let me finish.
So Greg called a contractor to have him come fix the holes.
All right.
That ought to hold her for a while.
Well, thanks so much for coming right over.
Yeah, no problem.
T shoudn't be a big dea fixing this all up.
Oh, what about the hole in the bedroom ceiling? We can get it all in a day.
Save you a bit on labor.
- Oh, great.
Thanks.
- In fact, I can have an entire crew here.
First thing in the morning.
August 7th.
August 7th? Can we make that at noon? I got a dentist appointment.
If I cancel that, who knows when he's gonna be abe to reschedue.
Sn't there any way that you can get it done sooner? No, sir.
Well, can you recommend somebody who might be able to do it right away? No, sir.
Well, what do I owe you for coming out and tarping it up? Oh, well, all right, we got a couple of tarps, 10 bucks a piece.
We got your labor.
We got some duct Let me throw in the duct tape for free.
Four hundred and thirty-seven dollars.
What? You've be You've been here a haf an hour.
Yeah, you're right.
You know, and I like you.
Let's make it an even 400.
You're a thief.
- Four thirty-seven.
- What? Don't ike you anymore.
You called me a name.
You can charge me what you like.
'M not gonna pay.
- Then 'm taking the tarps down.
- You're not gonna touch the tarps.
Are you gonna stop me, little man? Hey.
See, now you Now you went and touched me.
- So he was assaulted? - Well, technically, he did start it.
- But that's not why he's here.
- Dharma, I am losing my patience.
- Now I want - Okay, okay, okay.
Fine, fine.
Oh, God, where was I? So Greg had just come home from having played his best round of golf.
I just played the greatest round of golf in my life.
- Good for you.
- Hey.
We heard that part! I know, I was just messing with you.
Oh, look.
A Town & Country from 1974.
I remember 1974.
Excuse me, Ed.
'M sorry to bother you, the new postman delivered your Town & Country to us.
It looks like you paged through this, Dick.
Terribly sorry.
Are we still on for tennis later? Don't think so, Dick.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Edward, stop it.
We did not live next door to Dick Clark.
We didn't? We, what was that guy's name? - Rick York.
- What did I say? Dharma's teing a story.
Go on.
Okay.
Well, so that's when brought Larry back so that he and Greg could work out their problems in a civilized fashion.
Very good, Larry.
- Go ahead, Greg, your turn.
- 'M not gonna do that.
Greg, anger is like a little puppy that doesn't know any better.
And if you don't et it out it's gonna pidde on the carpet of your soul.
Yeah, Abby, well, my soul is Scotchgarded.
Come on, Greg.
'M not screaming at you either.
Shut up! Feel better? Yeah.
Now, why don't you and Larry go in there and fix up those holes like old soul mates I know you are.
- Soul mates? In what universe? - Let him discover it, Dharma.
- Dharma, this isn't gonna work.
Would you rather negotiate with another contractor? You know think we're fixing more than a bathroom here.
Let's just do this.
Don't worry, ' take it from here.
Larry, am I doing this right? Larry? - What are you doing? - The sink doesn't ike the gass bricks.
- What? - The glass bricks have changed the energy of the room.
Now the sink is out of sync.
We're not working on the sink, Larry, we're working on the wa.
The sink, the wall, the moon, the stars, the soap dish, Greg they're a one.
Why don't turn on the fan whie we're working with epoxy? La Larry.
What happened to the ceiling fan? Took it out so it woudn't get in the way of the mural.
What mural? Yeah, know.
'm stumped too.
- Think I should go check on them? - No, no.
They need to work this out on their own.
I suppose.
Abby? Does Larry like Greg? He loves Greg.
But does he like him? He will.
How did Larry get along with your father? Well, that was a little bumpy at first but thankfully they both had good communication skills.
Beer looks good.
Yeah.
T's rea refreshing after a hard day of work.
You know, bet that's true? Let me get this straight.
You have no intention of marrying my daughter.
Oh, no, no.
How could I do that to her? Treat Abby like an object, my wife.
She's not my wife she's everybody's wife.
We are a everybody's wife.
You're my wife.
Maureen, get my gun! Whoa, dude, you shoudn't keep a gun.
Guns kill.
Oh, man! The one with the scope.
Dharma, will you please stick to one story.
We, 'm teing one story.
This is a part of my story where Abby was telling her story.
All right, Dharma, let me guess what happened to Gregory.
You're teing a story, you refused to get to the point and he attempted to take his own life.
If you get nasty, won't te you at a.
A right, 'm sorry.
Please resume your story.
Thank you.
One reality another reality.
- One reality - Larry, hand me the trowel.
You know, a trowel is only a trowel because we say it is.
- Just give me the damn thing.
Hey, you like Santana? Are you kidding? I love Santana.
Take a pebble? That's not it? Who would write, "take a pebbe out of me"? Don't know, somebody with a kidney stone? Maybe it is "take a pebbe.
" - ' Be back in a coupe of hours.
- Where you going? I just told you, 'm gonna go see Santana.
Oh, wait.
Maybe I left that part out.
Gonna see Santana? Where? A little club downtown.
A guy I know said they are working out some new material.
- Hey, come with me.
- Larry, we have to finish this job.
When you're on your deathbed are you gonna remember watching me fix a hole or are you gonna remember seeing Santana from two feet away? S that how you've been measuring all this time? What do you say? Just you and me.
You start the van.
Why? You have the keys.
Larry! This is not Santana! Tell me about it! "Oye Como Va.
" So he fell on his head? Yeah.
But he ended up having a great time.
- So he never got to see Dantana? - No.
Okay.
Would you please tell me what happened? He learned from Larry the joy of spontaneity.
No! Why is he in the hospital? 'M getting to that.
I just have to tell you you are a very annoying person to tell a story to.
Anyway Come on, tell the truth.
You had fun with Larry, didn't you? Yeah, I guess I did.
He even talked the band into letting me play bass.
- But you don't pay bass.
- Nobody noticed.
You know, I give your father a hard time but there is something to just going with the flow and trying new things.
We, if you're feeing adventurous, you wanna give page 61 a shot in the old Kamasutra? Page 61? 'Ve had a ong day.
Come on, we can do it.
You just strip down, stand on your head.
' Go see if can find a feather.
Stop, stop, stop! - I do not want to hear this.
- What? What, you made me tell you this whole long story and you don't wanna here the end? Come on, Edward, we're going home.
What's that feather for? Oh, Kitty, just so you know, it's not broken, it's just sprained.
- Pete.
- Hey, buddy, how was your weekend? Played the greatest round of golf in my life.
Two, three, four! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!