Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e22 Episode Script
Planet of the Dateless
You got to love the airport, doog.
Hello, goodbye.
I can't think of a hornier place than the white zone.
The white zone is for loading, unloading, and tonsil-swapping only.
I should bring Janine down here, tell her I'm joining the mounties or something.
You leaving the country might get her in the mood.
Look who's talking about being in the mood.
All I got to do is mention the name Michele, and you start drooling like pavlov's dog.
Woof.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Jack.
How's it going? What did they do, drag you behind the plane? Good to see you, too.
Thanks for picking me up.
We're across the street.
So how was it? Incredible.
I went, thinking I'd score brownie points with canfield.
Turned out to be two amazing weeks.
You got to do this.
You land on this dirt air strip in a Mexican rain forest.
Immediately, you unload your supplies and get to work.
Villagers come from miles away to see you.
We did cleft palates, cleft lips.
We grafted burns.
We saw so many patients, i barely slept.
Doesn't seem like you bathed much either.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that, guys.
Last time I was around running water was three days ago.
Lucky us.
Help! Somebody, please! God! Help me! Help! God, help me! Please! Help! Vinnie, grab my bag.
Call 911.
We were running to our flight.
We're doctors.
He has a bad heart.
Oh, god.
There's no pulse.
He's arrested.
And 1 and 2 Come on, pal.
And 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5.
You're going to be o.
K.
, sir.
The paramedics are on their way.
a stage-3 smog alert.
It's good to be back.
Oh, Dr.
howser.
Would you autograph this? I've never met a real hero.
What? Come on, Mr.
modesty.
You saved a guy's life yesterday.
You made the papers.
What? Really? "17-year-old doctor saves man's life.
" It was at the airport.
I was there, too.
We both saved that guy.
Wait.
There's his hair.
Yeah.
Right there.
Oh, yeah.
That's funny.
I don't think they mentioned you, Jack.
Here, last paragraph.
"Also on the scene was Dr.
Zach aguire.
" I guess that's you.
Sorry.
This is so typical.
It's always "howser this" and "howser that.
" It's like no one else exists here.
Come on.
That's not true.
Good morning, Zach.
Doogie.
Michele.
Hi.
Um Do you have a minute? I'm glad you found me.
I need to talk to you.
Next weekend is eastman's board of directors dance.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
Look, I need to talk to you first.
O.
K.
Well, you know how when we first started going out and we decided we'd still see other people? Yeah.
Well, I've been thinking about it, and I just I don't think it's working for me anymore.
I'm the kind of person who needs something a little more exclusive.
Really? Yeah.
Well, we haven't been going out that long, but O.
K I guess.
Sure.
To be honest, I haven't been dating anyone anyway.
Oh, no.
Doogie, you don't understand.
I have gone out with someone else.
I want to be exclusive with him.
What? Gosh, I'm I'm sorry.
Wait a minute, Michele.
What I said about dating others You aren't supposed to do it.
I wish you'd told me sooner.
I didn't know, and Now I'm kind of involved with Vic, and I'm really sorry.
Vic? During Julie's rinoplasty, we removed the dorsal nasal bump, and she had lateral osteotomies to narrow the nose.
We also did a genioplasty with a sliding osteotomy by way of an intraoral approach.
We're planning on discharging her tomorrow.
Do you have any questions? Is the swelling going to go down, or should i join the circus? Give it time.
You'll look great.
Any discomfort, let me know.
Thanks, Dr.
mcguire.
Dr.
mcguire, i didn't compliment you on your surgery this morning.
You have very good hands.
The patient appreciated your bedside manner.
He's done a lot of in-depth research.
I understand you'll be publishing soon.
Yeah, in the new england journal of nookie.
If you ever consider specializing in plastic surgery, visit my office in the Marina.
You might like what you see.
I'll think about it.
Good.
Doctors.
"I'll think about it"? You're unbelievable.
He practically begged you to work for him, and you'll think about it? That's right.
Dr.
Michaels' practice is the hottest in L.
A.
He's published all the time.
The last guy he hired started at six figures and now lives in Malibu.
They've done every actress in town.
It's the Jack mcguire dream job.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
We thought it sounded pretty good.
It sounds like a waste of my time.
I didn't spend seven years of my life to give bigger breasts to bimbos or nose jobs to coeds.
Jack, they do more than that.
Oh, please.
Cosmetic surgery is about as insignificant as most of what we do here.
Look at us, using our fancy high-tech medicine to treat cold sores and tennis elbow.
So don't go into plastic surgery.
I'm sick of this condescending attitude toward me, everybody thinking I only have to smile at women and they're begging to have their hips reduced.
God forbid somebody gives me credit for having any talent.
We know you're a good doctor.
But not as good as the resident genius, right? That's not what we're saying, Jack.
Nobody has to.
What the hell got into him? Honey, I'm home.
Are you back? Hey, dad.
Why are you home, Douglas? It's Saturday night.
I'm hanging out with you and mom tonight.
Dad, we really don't get to spend enough time together.
Before you know it, I'll be living on my own.
I'd hate to regret that we let this opportunity slip by.
Couldn't get a date again, huh? I'm back, David.
I got it.
Doogie.
You're home.
Why? I just thought we could do something together As a family.
Isn't that what families do, sit around and enjoy each other's company? Couldn't get a date again? What is it with you? A son wants to spend time with his parents.
Instead, he gets interrogated.
I'm all for watching a movie.
What did you get? Mom, what did you get? "Emmanuelle in Bangkok.
" All right.
I'm out of here.
Look, honey Son I still have Sarah Newman's number.
She just moved here and hasn't met anyone.
Why don't you call her? If I remember, she was an awfully cute child.
Oh, please.
The last time you saw her, she was 4.
A cute child can be a gruesome Remember adorable Debbie Hoffman? The man's got a point, Katherine.
O.
K.
I only suggested it again because I knew you still needed a date for eastman's dance.
Mom, I'm not a geek, thank you very much.
I still have plenty of people I could call.
Plenty.
Wanda, I promise this will never happen again, but next Saturday night, could you go to eastman's dance with me? I don't want to go alone.
There are a million girls i could ask.
I just thought I'd ask you.
Oh.
No, no.
I understand.
You promised Maggie.
Sure.
Sure.
Well, uh I'll talk to you sometime, then.
Bye.
Mom Sarah Newman.
O.
K.
, Julie, remember, there's still some swelling, and you're going to be a bit bruised, but that'll go away before you know it.
Want to take a look? Do I have a choice? I'm pretty.
Hey, doog.
You got a minute? Sure.
Uh Look, this morning, I took off Julie kellogg's bandages, and I was reminded how much of a difference we can make around here.
I wanted to apologize for the stuff I said.
Forget it.
No, really.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I've been feeling dissatisfied lately, like I don't belong here anymore.
Of course you belong here.
No.
You don't understand, doog.
When I was in Mexico, I felt this incredible sense of fulfillment.
For the first time, I experienced what being a doctor was all about.
I finally realized that the big bucks and the private practice aren't so important anymore.
That's why I've decided to leave eastman.
What? I gave canfield my resignation.
What? I'm signed up with the flying physicians service for the next year.
I leave Monday.
Monday? What's the rush? Don't you think you should think about this? There's nothing left to think about.
It's what I want to do.
It's a chance for me to have a real impact.
You have an impact here.
Maybe, but I'll never have the impact you will.
I don't know what to say.
Just say good luck, doogie.
Good luck, doogie.
I'm telling you, doog, blind dates were invented by mothers of ugly children.
You can't do this.
Take it from somebody's who's been desperate.
It's a done deal, vin.
I'm going.
All right.
All right.
You need an emergency plan.
What time are you picking her up? Fine.
At 8:00, i call your beeper.
If she's a hunchback, you bail.
My parents said she was really cute as a child.
Doog, I only got two words for you Debbie Hoffman.
Need I say more, master? That a boy.
What possessed you to do this? I've talked to plenty of people who have had fabulous experiences on blind dates.
We went to the beach.
I've never seen such a hairy man.
It was like swimming with a carpet.
I am not saying the girl was a dog, but when we went driving, she stuck her head out the window.
She wore so much makeup For a moment I thought she was a kabuki dancer.
This woman was enormous.
The first thing she asked me when I picked her up was "do my shoes match?" I can't.
Oh.
Hi.
Sarah? No.
I'm April.
Sarah, your date's here.
She's coming.
Coming, master.
Just powdering my hump.
Doogie? I'm ready.
Yes.
Oh, I love these.
No, thanks.
I'm a vegetarian.
I'm not much of a meat eater myself.
This is my first blind date.
I'm doing this as a favor to my mom.
Remind me to thank her.
What was that? Nothing.
It's 8:00.
Hey, doogie.
Jack.
I'm glad you made it.
This is the best way to see everybody.
Sarah Newman, Jack mcguire.
Jack's leaving on Monday.
He's joining the flying physicians service.
Really? What is that? Doctors who do volunteer work worldwide.
Where do you go? Next week I leave for Lesotho, South Africa.
I just got back from Mexico and Belize.
I'm involved in saving the rain forests in Belize.
Oh, that's terrific.
I've seen firsthand what your work is doing.
Thanks.
We lose 1 1/2 acres per second at the current rate of deforestation? It's awful.
It must have been an incredible experience for you.
Sir? No, thanks.
I've given up meat.
You can't imagine.
It's changed the way i think about medicine.
I could go on forever, but I've got people I've got to say goodbye to.
Will you excuse me? Sure.
Nice meeting you, Sarah.
You, too, Jack.
Later, doog.
Goodbye.
Well, would you like to dance? Sure.
Aah.
Aah! Are you o.
K.
? I don't think so.
I probably ate too many of those wiener things.
Maybe we should go home.
No.
No.
We're already here, and, uh, you look great.
I've got a better idea.
I'll miss you, mcguire.
Me, too.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck, Jack.
Thanks, Dr.
canfield.
Excuse me.
Jack? Can I talk to you for a minute? Excuse me.
What's up? I'm not feeling too well.
I hoped you could do me a favor.
I was wondering if you could see that Sarah gets home all right.
O.
K.
, if it's o.
K.
With you.
Yeah, if it's o.
K.
With you.
You don't mind? No, no, i don't mind.
O.
K.
O.
K.
Thanks, Jack.
Good night, Sarah.
Yeah.
Feel better, doogie.
Thanks.
Take care of yourself, doog.
You, too.
Hello, goodbye.
I can't think of a hornier place than the white zone.
The white zone is for loading, unloading, and tonsil-swapping only.
I should bring Janine down here, tell her I'm joining the mounties or something.
You leaving the country might get her in the mood.
Look who's talking about being in the mood.
All I got to do is mention the name Michele, and you start drooling like pavlov's dog.
Woof.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Jack.
How's it going? What did they do, drag you behind the plane? Good to see you, too.
Thanks for picking me up.
We're across the street.
So how was it? Incredible.
I went, thinking I'd score brownie points with canfield.
Turned out to be two amazing weeks.
You got to do this.
You land on this dirt air strip in a Mexican rain forest.
Immediately, you unload your supplies and get to work.
Villagers come from miles away to see you.
We did cleft palates, cleft lips.
We grafted burns.
We saw so many patients, i barely slept.
Doesn't seem like you bathed much either.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that, guys.
Last time I was around running water was three days ago.
Lucky us.
Help! Somebody, please! God! Help me! Help! God, help me! Please! Help! Vinnie, grab my bag.
Call 911.
We were running to our flight.
We're doctors.
He has a bad heart.
Oh, god.
There's no pulse.
He's arrested.
And 1 and 2 Come on, pal.
And 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5.
You're going to be o.
K.
, sir.
The paramedics are on their way.
a stage-3 smog alert.
It's good to be back.
Oh, Dr.
howser.
Would you autograph this? I've never met a real hero.
What? Come on, Mr.
modesty.
You saved a guy's life yesterday.
You made the papers.
What? Really? "17-year-old doctor saves man's life.
" It was at the airport.
I was there, too.
We both saved that guy.
Wait.
There's his hair.
Yeah.
Right there.
Oh, yeah.
That's funny.
I don't think they mentioned you, Jack.
Here, last paragraph.
"Also on the scene was Dr.
Zach aguire.
" I guess that's you.
Sorry.
This is so typical.
It's always "howser this" and "howser that.
" It's like no one else exists here.
Come on.
That's not true.
Good morning, Zach.
Doogie.
Michele.
Hi.
Um Do you have a minute? I'm glad you found me.
I need to talk to you.
Next weekend is eastman's board of directors dance.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
Look, I need to talk to you first.
O.
K.
Well, you know how when we first started going out and we decided we'd still see other people? Yeah.
Well, I've been thinking about it, and I just I don't think it's working for me anymore.
I'm the kind of person who needs something a little more exclusive.
Really? Yeah.
Well, we haven't been going out that long, but O.
K I guess.
Sure.
To be honest, I haven't been dating anyone anyway.
Oh, no.
Doogie, you don't understand.
I have gone out with someone else.
I want to be exclusive with him.
What? Gosh, I'm I'm sorry.
Wait a minute, Michele.
What I said about dating others You aren't supposed to do it.
I wish you'd told me sooner.
I didn't know, and Now I'm kind of involved with Vic, and I'm really sorry.
Vic? During Julie's rinoplasty, we removed the dorsal nasal bump, and she had lateral osteotomies to narrow the nose.
We also did a genioplasty with a sliding osteotomy by way of an intraoral approach.
We're planning on discharging her tomorrow.
Do you have any questions? Is the swelling going to go down, or should i join the circus? Give it time.
You'll look great.
Any discomfort, let me know.
Thanks, Dr.
mcguire.
Dr.
mcguire, i didn't compliment you on your surgery this morning.
You have very good hands.
The patient appreciated your bedside manner.
He's done a lot of in-depth research.
I understand you'll be publishing soon.
Yeah, in the new england journal of nookie.
If you ever consider specializing in plastic surgery, visit my office in the Marina.
You might like what you see.
I'll think about it.
Good.
Doctors.
"I'll think about it"? You're unbelievable.
He practically begged you to work for him, and you'll think about it? That's right.
Dr.
Michaels' practice is the hottest in L.
A.
He's published all the time.
The last guy he hired started at six figures and now lives in Malibu.
They've done every actress in town.
It's the Jack mcguire dream job.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
We thought it sounded pretty good.
It sounds like a waste of my time.
I didn't spend seven years of my life to give bigger breasts to bimbos or nose jobs to coeds.
Jack, they do more than that.
Oh, please.
Cosmetic surgery is about as insignificant as most of what we do here.
Look at us, using our fancy high-tech medicine to treat cold sores and tennis elbow.
So don't go into plastic surgery.
I'm sick of this condescending attitude toward me, everybody thinking I only have to smile at women and they're begging to have their hips reduced.
God forbid somebody gives me credit for having any talent.
We know you're a good doctor.
But not as good as the resident genius, right? That's not what we're saying, Jack.
Nobody has to.
What the hell got into him? Honey, I'm home.
Are you back? Hey, dad.
Why are you home, Douglas? It's Saturday night.
I'm hanging out with you and mom tonight.
Dad, we really don't get to spend enough time together.
Before you know it, I'll be living on my own.
I'd hate to regret that we let this opportunity slip by.
Couldn't get a date again, huh? I'm back, David.
I got it.
Doogie.
You're home.
Why? I just thought we could do something together As a family.
Isn't that what families do, sit around and enjoy each other's company? Couldn't get a date again? What is it with you? A son wants to spend time with his parents.
Instead, he gets interrogated.
I'm all for watching a movie.
What did you get? Mom, what did you get? "Emmanuelle in Bangkok.
" All right.
I'm out of here.
Look, honey Son I still have Sarah Newman's number.
She just moved here and hasn't met anyone.
Why don't you call her? If I remember, she was an awfully cute child.
Oh, please.
The last time you saw her, she was 4.
A cute child can be a gruesome Remember adorable Debbie Hoffman? The man's got a point, Katherine.
O.
K.
I only suggested it again because I knew you still needed a date for eastman's dance.
Mom, I'm not a geek, thank you very much.
I still have plenty of people I could call.
Plenty.
Wanda, I promise this will never happen again, but next Saturday night, could you go to eastman's dance with me? I don't want to go alone.
There are a million girls i could ask.
I just thought I'd ask you.
Oh.
No, no.
I understand.
You promised Maggie.
Sure.
Sure.
Well, uh I'll talk to you sometime, then.
Bye.
Mom Sarah Newman.
O.
K.
, Julie, remember, there's still some swelling, and you're going to be a bit bruised, but that'll go away before you know it.
Want to take a look? Do I have a choice? I'm pretty.
Hey, doog.
You got a minute? Sure.
Uh Look, this morning, I took off Julie kellogg's bandages, and I was reminded how much of a difference we can make around here.
I wanted to apologize for the stuff I said.
Forget it.
No, really.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I've been feeling dissatisfied lately, like I don't belong here anymore.
Of course you belong here.
No.
You don't understand, doog.
When I was in Mexico, I felt this incredible sense of fulfillment.
For the first time, I experienced what being a doctor was all about.
I finally realized that the big bucks and the private practice aren't so important anymore.
That's why I've decided to leave eastman.
What? I gave canfield my resignation.
What? I'm signed up with the flying physicians service for the next year.
I leave Monday.
Monday? What's the rush? Don't you think you should think about this? There's nothing left to think about.
It's what I want to do.
It's a chance for me to have a real impact.
You have an impact here.
Maybe, but I'll never have the impact you will.
I don't know what to say.
Just say good luck, doogie.
Good luck, doogie.
I'm telling you, doog, blind dates were invented by mothers of ugly children.
You can't do this.
Take it from somebody's who's been desperate.
It's a done deal, vin.
I'm going.
All right.
All right.
You need an emergency plan.
What time are you picking her up? Fine.
At 8:00, i call your beeper.
If she's a hunchback, you bail.
My parents said she was really cute as a child.
Doog, I only got two words for you Debbie Hoffman.
Need I say more, master? That a boy.
What possessed you to do this? I've talked to plenty of people who have had fabulous experiences on blind dates.
We went to the beach.
I've never seen such a hairy man.
It was like swimming with a carpet.
I am not saying the girl was a dog, but when we went driving, she stuck her head out the window.
She wore so much makeup For a moment I thought she was a kabuki dancer.
This woman was enormous.
The first thing she asked me when I picked her up was "do my shoes match?" I can't.
Oh.
Hi.
Sarah? No.
I'm April.
Sarah, your date's here.
She's coming.
Coming, master.
Just powdering my hump.
Doogie? I'm ready.
Yes.
Oh, I love these.
No, thanks.
I'm a vegetarian.
I'm not much of a meat eater myself.
This is my first blind date.
I'm doing this as a favor to my mom.
Remind me to thank her.
What was that? Nothing.
It's 8:00.
Hey, doogie.
Jack.
I'm glad you made it.
This is the best way to see everybody.
Sarah Newman, Jack mcguire.
Jack's leaving on Monday.
He's joining the flying physicians service.
Really? What is that? Doctors who do volunteer work worldwide.
Where do you go? Next week I leave for Lesotho, South Africa.
I just got back from Mexico and Belize.
I'm involved in saving the rain forests in Belize.
Oh, that's terrific.
I've seen firsthand what your work is doing.
Thanks.
We lose 1 1/2 acres per second at the current rate of deforestation? It's awful.
It must have been an incredible experience for you.
Sir? No, thanks.
I've given up meat.
You can't imagine.
It's changed the way i think about medicine.
I could go on forever, but I've got people I've got to say goodbye to.
Will you excuse me? Sure.
Nice meeting you, Sarah.
You, too, Jack.
Later, doog.
Goodbye.
Well, would you like to dance? Sure.
Aah.
Aah! Are you o.
K.
? I don't think so.
I probably ate too many of those wiener things.
Maybe we should go home.
No.
No.
We're already here, and, uh, you look great.
I've got a better idea.
I'll miss you, mcguire.
Me, too.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck, Jack.
Thanks, Dr.
canfield.
Excuse me.
Jack? Can I talk to you for a minute? Excuse me.
What's up? I'm not feeling too well.
I hoped you could do me a favor.
I was wondering if you could see that Sarah gets home all right.
O.
K.
, if it's o.
K.
With you.
Yeah, if it's o.
K.
With you.
You don't mind? No, no, i don't mind.
O.
K.
O.
K.
Thanks, Jack.
Good night, Sarah.
Yeah.
Feel better, doogie.
Thanks.
Take care of yourself, doog.
You, too.