Empty Nest (1988) s02e22 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on oh, my god! Barbara, what are you doing? What? You asked me to help with the housework.
So leave me alone.
Carol! What happened to my sweater? Don't look at me, daddy.
Ask the person who's dust-busting the dishes.
Uh, Barbara, dear, you do not put a wool sweater in the washing machine.
When wool gets wet, it shrinks.
Sheep go out in the rain.
They don't shrink.
Carol, how much longer is Barbara gonna be in charge of the housework? As long as I'm working overtime at the library.
So, daddy, we're just going to have to live with Barbara.
Oh, Carol, that's your cashmere sweater.
It should be dry by now.
Let's get a maid.
- Hey, that's a good idea.
- Well, wait.
I what if Barbara and I take care of all the arrangements and split the cost? - Yeah.
- Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm very uncomfortable at the notion of some strange person going through our things and having the run of the house.
Hey, westons.
Whoa! What's going on here? Refrigerator's empty.
The kitchen's a mess.
And look at these dishes Jeez! Don't you people have a dustbuster? We were just talking about getting a maid.
All right! You know, there's something about a young girl, scrub bucket by her side, down on her hands and knees, scouring.
I don't know.
Call me a romantic.
Charley, go home.
You know, ordinarily, I wouldn't, but I can never say no to someone in a tight sweater.
All right, I'm gonna go upstairs and take this off.
If I'm not down in ten minutes, send for the jaws of life.
Hey, the first thing we should do is take out an ad in the classified section for a maid.
Yes, and I know just what it should say.
Write this down, Barbara Quick, before I forget.
Wanted domestic.
Enthusiastic, yet open to criticism.
Must have solid sense of self, coupled with an exquisite sensitivity to the emotional needs of those around her.
- Got that? - Got it.
"Wanted maid.
Hours flexible.
" Well, pal, I'm afraid your uncle was just playing a little trick on you.
Your ear is not a bottomless source of quarters.
No, those two I took out apparently are the last ones.
Nothing to worry about.
See ya.
Bye-bye.
Say, Laverne, is that a quarter in your ear? In your dreams, Houdini.
Erica Brody, room one.
Ah! Well - Erica! - Hi, Dr.
Weston.
Hi, sweetheart.
Boy, I haven't seen you in a long time.
Here, I made this for you in art class last week.
Oh, thank you.
Boy, my desk could really use a paperweight Looking bookend Style ashtray.
Thank you.
So what brings you in today? My arm.
It hurts when I move it.
Okay, let's take a look at it.
You know, my mom came along with me today.
Uh-huh.
She said she likes coming with me to see you.
Yeah, well, I like seeing her a lot too.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
Ow.
Oh.
That hurts, huh? A little.
She's had her hair done.
- Ow.
- I'm sorry, dear.
I'll be finished here in a second.
She's finally dating again.
I'll bet if you asked her, she'd go out with you.
She's free Friday.
Erica, I think I'm old enough to manage my own social life.
This Friday? So are you gonna ask her out? I don't know.
I don't know.
- I just might.
- All right! I mean, ow.
Miracle cure, eh? How is she, Harry? Better than you can imagine.
Oh, boy, you look lovely.
And your hair boy, your hair looks really nice.
Well, thank you.
I just had it done.
Sweet of you to notice.
He is the sweetest.
I'll be in the car, mom.
Doctor, I have some messages for you.
Uh, not right now, Laverne.
I want to speak with Mrs.
Brody.
Okay, fine.
Um, Linda, I Laverne, is there someplace else you could be? No.
Uh, well, anyway, I was just won Laverne, are you sure there isn't something you could be doing someplace else? No.
What is it, Harry? Well, I was just wondering, you know, I don't know, maybe, you know, this Friday, if, you know, we You know, if you're not busy he wants to take you out, dinner and a movie.
- Yeah, dinner and a movie.
- Well, I'd love to.
- Oh, great.
- Sure, so I'll see you at I look forward to it.
Oh! Yeah.
Uh I'll see you Friday.
- Yeah.
Good.
- Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Laverne, I could have handled that myself.
Oh, yeah, right.
Actually, I'm surprised you could even overhear that conversation, what with these quarters in your ear.
Now, Mrs.
Kramer, let me tell you how this house runs.
I'll need a ten-minute break every hour and an hour for lunch And albacore tuna.
Don't let me catch you sneaking in any of that chunky light stuff.
I don't drive, and I refuse to take the bus, so here's my address.
And if Oprah has an interesting guest, I'll need some alone time.
Do you clean? Yeah, but I don't like nobody to watch me.
I like her.
Mrs.
Kramer, I'm sorry.
I don't think this is going to work out.
Fine.
I'll need a ride to my next appointment.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Kramer.
All right, I'll go.
But I don't want anyone to watch me.
I think we're making a mistake letting her go.
Oh, Barbara, please.
What? You don't like anybody.
Well good afternoon.
Elspeth peabody, answering your advert for a domestic.
Yes, come in, please, Ms.
peabody.
Oh, thank you.
Here's my resume.
My, what a lovely home you have here.
Well, yes, it collects a lot of dust.
Well, as I always say, the day they do away with dust is the day that I'm out of work.
Your references seem to be in order.
But, of course, we'll need to check them out.
Of course.
I assume the hours and salary are satisfactory? Perfectly.
But there are a few things I'd like to point out.
I thought there might be.
I insist on providing my own transportation.
And I will not have you wasting your valuable time fixing me meals I like to bring my own.
Oh, and if it's not a bother, I'd like you to send every fourth check to the foundlings home.
It's just a little something I like to do.
I think she's even better than the last one.
Uh, just one more question.
Would you call me "mum"? If you'd like.
Carol, I think we should hire her.
Barbara, we cannot hire somebody just because they're willing to call you by some silly name.
You understand that, don't you, elspeth? - Yes, mum.
- You're hired.
Oh, thank you, mum.
And thank you too, mum.
She's working out great already! I know! So we'll see you Monday at 9:00? Very well.
Ta-ta.
Both: Ta-ta.
Ta-ta.
Good morning, Laverne.
How was your weekend? All right.
Nick was out of town on a road trip, so I put the knobby tires on the pickup and did some four-by-four muddin' down on the sludge run at the lake.
I'm surprised we didn't bump into each other.
How about you? How'd your date with Erica's mom turn out? It was okay, I guess.
I mean, I like Linda, but We really just We don't click.
Hi, Dr.
Weston.
Can I talk to you? Sure you can, dear.
Come on.
So how did it go with my mom? Ah, Erica, please.
Come on.
Sit down.
On a scale from one to ten, how pretty do you think my mom is? Erica, dear, I don't know that we 'cause she said you were an 11.
That's Is that so? Yeah.
Uh, and she understood that ten is the best? So you're seeing my mom again? Well, I don't know, sweetheart.
I-I think your mom and I should be just friends.
Oh, no.
That's just what she was afraid of.
What? That she made a bad first impression.
See, she was real nervous 'cause she likes you a lot.
Really? Well, she'd never been out with an 11 before.
Well Now, she understood that ten was the best? So would you ask her out again, Dr.
Weston? She'd really like to get another chance to make you like her.
Ah, I don't know.
I don't know.
Listen, all right, look, I'll talk to your mom, and, uh, we'll see what happens.
- Thanks, Dr.
Weston.
- All right.
Well, then don't pick at it! Well, that was quick.
How's the arm? Okay.
Guess what.
I think Dr.
Weston's gonna ask you out again.
Oh, honey, I don't think so.
We've been all through that.
Dr.
Weston is a really nice man.
I just don't like him in that way that people who are dating are supposed to like each other.
But he really likes you a lot and hopes you'll go out with him again.
Honey, I don't think Dr.
Weston is he said you were an 11.
Really? He was just real nervous the other night 'cause he likes you so much.
He'd never been out with an 11 before.
He said all that? Oh, uh Oh.
Linda, how are you? Hi, Harry.
- You're looking lovely.
- Uh, yeah, you too.
Well, thank you.
Listen, um, Linda I was just wondering if we could, uh, maybe hi, all! Laverne, I think I know the answer to this question before I ask it, but Is there someplace else you could be right now? No.
I knew that.
Um, anyway, listen, how about a picnic Saturday? The three of us and and a big, floppy dog.
Well, I just love a picnic.
Oh, great.
It's a date, then.
Okay, so I'll see you Saturday.
- Great.
- Great.
Come on, I-I'll walk you to the elevator.
I'll be right there, mom.
Laverne, you know Dr.
Weston's daughters.
They must be the happiest, luckiest girls in the world, huh? You got about an hour? I can't think of anyone I'd rather have as a father than Dr.
Weston.
Well, sweetheart, I-I wouldn't get my hopes up.
Oh, no, it's gonna happen, Laverne.
Someday soon, you'll pick up the phone and hear, "hi, is my dad there?" And it'll be me.
Bye, Laverne.
Daddy was right.
I should have stayed in the coal mine.
Boy, that elspeth's incredible.
I walk around the house, and I can see my reflection in everything.
She's good.
Some tea, lady Barbara? Oh, just a spot.
What was that? What? I thought I heard a crumb drop.
You heard a crumb drop? Just as I thought.
Here's the little culprit.
Elspeth, this is amazing! My sweater's like brand-new.
How did you do this? Actually, Dr.
Weston, I knitted it.
Well, I-i Thank you.
At least let me pay you for it.
Oh, no, Dr.
Weston, please.
You'll make me blush.
I should be off.
She's good.
She's good.
Listen, if you girls want me, I'll be at, uh, Stevenson park, picnicking.
Come on, dreyf, let's go.
Picnic.
Dreyfuss, frisbee! Trees! Ah.
Oh, Barbara, isn't elspeth wonderful? I mean, look, our China sparkles.
Our stemware sparkles.
Our silver spar Our silver's missing.
- What? - Oh, my god.
Mom's wedding silver Half of it's missing.
And our teapot's gone, too, and the candlesticks! We've been robbed.
I don't believe it.
- And I know who did it.
- Who? Elspeth.
Elspeth the maid? What other elspeth? I mean, look at the facts, Barbara.
The silver was all here four days ago before we hired her.
Yeah, and then she started polishing it, and now it's gone.
That's why she's been so efficient and polite.
She's been she's been covering up so she could clean us out.
Yeah, what a phony.
Yes, mum.
No, mum.
And how about that sweater ploy.
Well, she'll have plenty of time for knitting.
In the big house.
All right, now, ladies and gentlemen, at this point in the picnic, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce one of the great fetch artists of all time Dreyfuss the dog! Dreyf, ball.
Hey, boy, yeah.
Go! Atta boy, atta boy, dreyf! There you go! Go get it! Go! That's that's right.
Lie down.
Take a rest.
No sense going the full 20 feet nonstop.
Mom, the sandwiches were great.
Isn't she a great cook, Dr.
Weston? Yes, indeed.
Don't you think he's a great eater, mom? He sure is.
Well, it looks like you two have a lot to talk about.
And I feel the wind picking up.
Well, you raised one terrific kid there.
Look at her she's getting the kite up already.
You know, it doesn't surprise me.
Everything she touches seems to work like a charm.
Yeah, well She is.
She's one great kid.
Yeah, you gotta like that kid.
You know, I just love the open air, being outside.
Do you like camping? Camping! No, not really, uh Well, I love camping.
I go every vacation.
How about that? - Do you like music? - Yeah.
Oh! Great.
What, jazz, classical, contemporary? No.
Uh, I-Linda, I-i have to be honest with you.
I-I was very surprised when Erica told me that you wanted to, uh, see me again after that first date.
Erica told you that? - Yeah.
- What else did she say? Well, she said you were afraid you made a bad impression because you were nervous, because you found me so very attractive.
Well, she told me the same thing about you.
Hmm.
- Friends? - Friends.
Well, friend, I think you and I have a bit of a problem here.
Dreyf, dreyf, where did you get that picnic basket? Dreyfuss! Well, obviously from this enormously large man running this way.
Uh, hi, there, sir.
Is this your dog? He's a pushy little fella.
Okay, that's elspeth.
Elspeth the maid? Yes, elspeth the maid! Maybe I should do the talking.
No, no, I've had experience with thieves.
We'll do a good cop/bad cop thing.
- Okay, I'll be the bad cop.
- No, I'll be the bad cop.
Okay, we'll both be the bad cop.
Carol, it doesn't work that way.
Well, if I can't be the bad cop, I don't want to do it! How about bad cop/whiny cop? I got your message.
Is there a problem? Sit down, elspeth.
Now Is there anything you'd like to tell us? No, mum.
You can cut the "mum" crap, lady! Did I do something wrong? "Did I do something wrong?" Look, lady, I don't know how things work in england, but in this country, we respect people's property.
Where's our silver, our candlesticks and our teapot? Oh, yes.
We know about the teapot.
I'm afraid I don't follow.
Oh, give us a break, elspeth, if that is your real name.
Or is it big Bertha? Under the circumstances, I don't think I can stay here any longer.
Good-bye, mums.
You'll be hearing from us! That went over pretty well.
I guess you can do bad cop/bad cop.
Hey, who's the old goat crying in the Subaru? Elspeth.
Elspeth the maid? Yes, elspeth the maid! Actually, our ex-maid.
Ex, huh? What'd she do? She took half our silver.
Whoa, I guess great minds think alike.
So did I.
Wait a second, Charley.
You took our silver? Yeah, and your candlesticks and your teapot.
- Oh, my god.
- Don't get upset.
I'll dust-bust it before I return it.
Elspeth, wait! She's gone.
Okay.
Okay, Barbara.
I know.
I know what we'll do.
Um, um, we'll write a letter of apology to elspeth.
Quick, quick write this down before I forget.
"Dear elspeth "Oh, my! Well, what a sticky wicket.
" Come in.
Hi, Dr.
Weston.
My mom said you wanted to talk to me.
Yeah.
Thank you for coming over, dear.
- Sit down.
- Guess what.
My mom had a great time at the picnic Saturday.
She told me she can't wait for your call.
Erica, your mother is not waiting for my call.
Sure she is.
Dear, we found out Saturday that you've been telling us things about each other that aren't quite true.
Oh.
Well, I might have lied a little bit.
But what counts is I got you two together, right? Erica, we are not gonna be together.
But you have to.
You and I are so great together, like after you and mom's first date when you brought home ice cream and we made floats, and at the picnic when you taught me how to catch a frisbee behind my back.
I mean, I finally found a great father.
And I know if we just keep trying, mom will come around.
Honey, I'm afraid it just doesn't work that way.
You're gonna have to wait until your mom meets the right person.
But that's not fair.
Why does mom get to pick who she wants for a husband, but I don't get to pick who I want for a father? Erica, trust me, dear.
Trust me.
One day your mom's gonna find a wonderful man.
You're both gonna love him.
But that'll never happen.
Yes, it will, dear.
I promise you.
But I tell you what.
While you're waiting for this great father, I'd love to spend time with you and catch frisbees and fly kites and make floats.
Really? You'll still do those things with me? Of course.
Honey, I will always, always be here for you, whether you just want to talk or whether you just need a Quarter! You know, maybe my mom can do better.
Give me that! Hi, daddy.
How was your day? - Kind of tough.
- Us too.
There have been some changes around here.
Sweetheart, please, tell me later.
I just want to get something to eat, okay? Stop staring at me.
I don't like to be watched.
Who is this lady?