Ghosts (2021) s02e22 Episode Script

1
Oh, Isaac, just who I was looking for.
I have something for you.
A gift for me? Whatever for?
I just got the advance for your
biography from the publisher
and I wanted to give you
something to say thank you.
Ooh, classy move, babe.
Can I open it since
Isaac can't use his hands?
I know Jay's offering to help,
but it feels like he's rubbing it in.
Oh !
Nice, babe. A scented candle.
Because they can smell.
Mm. (SNIFFS)
So how much was the advance?
$20,000.
My God. You could buy Delaware.
Okay, hold on, Sam, you get $20,000
and all Isaac gets is a candle?
- Which cost ?
- $12.
Plus tax.
Sasappis brings up an interesting point.
I am the subject of the
book and your collaborator.
Shouldn't I be entitled
to half the compensation?
Isaac thinks we should
split the advance with him.
(CHUCKLES) A ghost wants $10,000?
NIGEL: I stand with Isaac.
You can't just exploit his labor
- and take all the profits for yourself.
- HETTY: Agreed.
He's not a child in your iron foundry.
I mean, none of this would be happening
if it weren't for Isaac.
ISAAC: Ooh, she's about to surrender.
Nigel, this must take you back.
Okay, fine.
Isaac, we can split the advance.
Huzzah!
We haven't been on a
vacation in three years
but now a ghost has $10,000.
(CHUCKLING) I can buy Rhode Island.
♪
♪
Hello, Alberta.
Okay, I know that you're
mad about the whole
"my son murdering you
and me not telling you
about it for a hundred years," but,
but how long do you
intend to freeze me out?
Flower, can you please tell Hetty
I'm still not talking to her?
Hetty, Alberta wants
me to tell you that
Wait, I just had it.
Never mind.
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
- Hi.
- SAMANTHA: Hi.
I'm Sam, can I help you?
I'm Kelsey Foster.
Okay, this is gonna sound kind of weird,
but my mom was an exotic
dancer back in the '90s.
I don't know where this is headed,
but I like the way it started.
Anyway, I only recently found out
that she had a sort of office romance
with a client named David Woodstone.
That was my Uncle David.
- And my boy.
- Who dump your body in lake.
- Just that one time.
- KELSEY: Yeah, well,
I think we're related
because your Uncle David
knocked up my mom, and then
nine months later ta-da.
- Oh, my God!
- KELSEY: Little family history,
"ta-da" is actually
what my mom used to yell
when she would take her top off onstage.
And I am now realizing
what exotic dancer means.
- So nice to have that in the gene pool.
- SAMANTHA: This is amazing.
I can't believe this. I
hardly have any family.
- I know, I'm so excited.
- You should totally stay.
We have some openings this weekend.
And it's on the house.
- So, you own this place?
- SAMANTHA: Yeah.
I inherited it a couple years ago
from my Great Aunt Sophie,
who was actually David's mom.
Which would make Sophie
this woman's grandmother.
KELSEY: Yeah.
That's actually why I'm here.
See, the thing is, I'm
actually more of a Woodstone
than you are, turns out.
What are you saying?
You seem really cool,
and I don't want this to
affect our relationship, but
I think this house,
technically,
belongs to me.
♪
PETE: Hetty and Alberta
It's been a week and
the rift between you guys
is starting to affect the whole house.
That's why we've asked you here today.
SASAPPIS: In keeping with the bylaws
outlined in the Woodstone Accords,
we've decided to convene Ghost
Court. I'm sorry, Ghost Court?
When two or more ghosts have a conflict
that there doesn't seem
to be a resolution for,
we convene a council to agree
on an appropriate punishment
so we can put the matter behind us.
How wonderfully bureaucratic.
Is this really necessary?
Oh, it's necessary.
It's time to pay the
piper, Hetty Woodstone.
Then it's official.
Ghost Court is in session.
FLOWER: Although, it is almost noon.
Should we figure out what
we're smelling for lunch first?
Great point, uh
We smell lunch and then,
Ghost Court is in session.
Although, does an
afternoon start feel like
might get a little bit sleepy?
Ah.
Hit the ground running tomorrow. Great.
(SIGHS)
The wheels of justice grind slowly.
- So, what do we do here, Dan?
- DAN (OVER LAPTOP): Well, look,
if she's telling the
truth, she has a claim.
Now, that being said,
there's a lot scammers.
So, I'm gonna send my DNA guy up there.
Absolute best in the biz.
Does all of Jeter's stuff.
Are you allowed to tell us that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who's
the lawyer now, Jay?
Okay? I love it. I love you.
- He remind me of guy I knew who sold used longships.
- SAMANTHA: Okay.
Well, that's a relief.
So, you think it's probably nothing?
Well, you know what? Look.
The only thing that
does give me pause is
our firm has been representing
the Woodstone family for decades.
And without getting into details,
I do know that Davey
Woodstone, let's just say,
had an enthusiasm for exotic dancers.
Yeah, he did.
Again, he dump your body in lake.
Doesn't mean I can't be proud of my bro.
Pizza oven.
You got to use your
money to buy a pizza oven.
I've never been overly fond of pizza.
Now a quail oven,
though, is that a thing?
You should donate the
money. Save the narwhals.
Screw that, get a new water heater.
Let's party.
Okay, thank you for your suggestions,
but this is Isaac's money
and I think he should
spend it as he sees fit.
Thank you, Nigel.
And the truth is,
I've already decided what
I'm spending the money on.
Oh.
- A new daybed!
- A new daybed?
I saw it in a catalog
for this emporium called
the Pottery Barn, and I must have it.
And this daybed would
presumably sleep just one?
Like your current daybed?
I mean, I guess so.
Mm. Well, that's just lovely!
Okay, does anyone know
what that was about?
SASAPPIS: Isaac, don't you see?
This daybed is not just a daybed.
It's a sign that you don't
want to get more serious.
I recently had a girlfriend for a week,
so I know what I'm talking about.
I mean, I did just ask Nigel to move in.
Yeah, to the mansion,
but not into your room.
And now by getting this new
bed that only sleeps one,
you're showing you're nowhere
near making a real commitment.
Which, honestly,
I respect as a "hit it
and quit it" kind of girl.
Oh, dear.
This money, it's
complicating everything.
(SIGHS) I'd be better just
washing my hands of it.
SASAPPIS: Ironic.
If you'd washed your
hands 250 years ago,
you wouldn't have
pooped yourself to death.
Thank you, Sass.
DAN: Okay, so,
inside this manila envelope
are the results to Kelsey's DNA test.
What is DNA?
Stand for deoxyribonucleic acid.
They explain on O.J. Simpson episode of
How 'Bout Those Nineties.
KELSEY: I just want to say,
no matter what happens,
Sam, we'll always be family.
Thank you, Kelsey.
But if this does go my way,
is the furniture included?
This was all here, right?
Absolutely.
Dude, whose lawyer are you?
Well, technically I represent
the Woodstone Estate.
So I guess Hey-oh!
We're about to find out.
- God, it's like an episode of Maury.
- Who?
TV show host also from
'90s who reveal baby daddies
and send problematic teens to boot camp.
Oh, my.
What? What is it?
Wow.
Oh, I mean, this is
frustrating for y'all,
but as an entertainer, I
respect his showmanship.
And the owner of the mansion is
♪
(QUIETLY): Ooh, this guy's good.
She's in this room.
- Dan!
- It's Kelsey, I'm sorry.
It's Kelsey, it's Kelsey.
- (SQUEALS) (LAUGHS)
- Congratulations.
I can't believe this.
I finally get a cousin,
and one day later, she's
taking the house from us?
What about us? We're going to lose you.
Just when we finally got
a Living who can serve us
See us. See us.
Thor and I have a plan.
You push Kelsey down the stairs.
Either she dies and
your problem is solved,
or she can see ghosts, and
then our problem is solved.
THORFINN: Though we will miss you.
Even though we now
have Kelsey to help us.
Okay, interesting development.
Dan says Kelsey is willing to pay us
a settlement to avoid
dragging things out in court.
Way less than what the house is worth,
but at least we'd get something.
I can't believe this is happening.
JAY: Yeah, it's like the
weirdest butterfly effect ever.
Some '90s douche finance bro
falls in love with a dancer
at Scores and now we're out of a house.
- Wait, what did he say?
- Get over it, Trevor, you were all douches.
No. No, no, no. Scores?
Woodstone wouldn't have been at Scores.
He got banned from there
when he tried to get
autographs from Gary
Dell'Abate and Jeff the Drunk.
- Jeff the Drunk?
- JAY: From the Wack Pack?
We got a Howard Stern fan in the house?
Okay, so the ban happened in like
- Baba Booey.
- SAMANTHA: Jay, please,
I'm getting important information here.
Trevor's saying that David
Woodstone was banned from Scores.
So, what are we saying here?
That David Woodstone
isn't actually the father?
But how would we prove that?
Short of asking the ghost
of David Woodstone himself
Oh, right. That's what we should do.
I wonder where he died.
HETTY: Do we think perhaps Kelsey
might spring for the upgraded
cable television package?
I'm sorry,
but we must emotionally gird ourselves
- for a Sam-free future.
- JAY: Okay.
According to his obituary,
he died in Upstate New York
at a gentlemen's club.
Ooh, gentlemen's club.
That sounds classy.
THORFINN: Just hope he
didn't get sucked off.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Ugh. Of course this is where he died.
This place is so depressing.
JAY: I've seen more depressing.
On TV. I've never been to
a strip club. (SHUDDERS)
Check it out, Schmitty, new talent.
Excuse me?
W-Wait Are you a ghost?
No. Are you David Woodstone?
Uh-huh.
I'm your descendent. We're related.
- You mean, he's actually here?
- It would appear so.
Wow, we're so lucky he
didn't go up to heaven.
This isn't heaven?
ALBERTA: In summation,
for a hundred years, Hetty's
been pretending to be my friend.
Withholding the truth about how I died.
This was a century
of betrayal.
And I hope this court remembers that
when it comes time to sentence her.
Hetty, do you deny these charges?
I do not.
But I ask that the court
consider the following.
The Hetty of a hundred years ago
stayed silent for many reasons.
But the Hetty that stands
before you today did not.
Thanks to women like Alberta and Flower
and Samantha and a washing machine,
- I have changed.
- Aw.
In my time, women were competition.
But I now know that they are friends.
And I couldn't sit back
and let my friend Alberta believe
her sister had killed her,
no matter the cost to me.
And I know that may not
change the way you feel
but I am deeply sorry, Alberta.
PETE: Wow.
Not sure how the washing
machine got mixed up in all that,
but still I was moved.
The washing machine gave her an orgasm.
Oh, cheese and crackers.
Now, Alberta, you have a choice.
You can accept Hetty's apology,
put this matter behind us,
house harmony restored.
Or we can move to the punishment phase.
- Punishment phase.
- FLOWER: Are you sure?
You can take some
time to think about it.
- Punishment phase. Your girl wants blood.
- (GASPS)
ISAAC: I'm just vexed
by this Nigel situation.
Moving in together as
a ghost is different
than moving in together as a Living.
The stakes are much higher.
I mean, what if things go south?
I will be heartbroken for eternity.
Taking chance at love always carry risk.
Like when I catch
Danish man with cousin.
We disembowel the Dane
and force him to march
until entrails wrap around tree.
- Okay.
- THORFINN: For him,
risk not work out.
But sometimes risk do work out.
Like with Thor and Flower.
TREVOR: Isaac,
relationships are like sharks.
Either they move forward or they die.
That's from a Woody Allen movie.
And that guy knows relationships.
Did you ever move in with anyone?
Almost. Once.
She wanted to get engaged first.
She wanted that commitment.
I was only in my 30s, had
my whole life ahead of me.
- I thought.
- (LAUGHING)
Very funny, because
actually die soon after.
You two have been very helpful.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hmm. Strip club sushi.
It shouldn't look good. But it does.
That's what I thought, man.
Before it killed me.
So, this chick just
shows up out of the blue
- and says she's my daughter?
- Pretty much.
But there's something
off about her story.
How old is she?
She was born in '97.
No, she can't be mine.
I've been shooting blanks since '93.
Oh, okay. What happened in '93?
I dipped my balls into a
scalding hot coffee pot.
(CHUCKLING)
Why?
Uh, my boy Ari said
that I wouldn't, so
- Freaking love that guy.
- Okay, this is huge.
So she definitely can't be your kid.
- No.
- SCHMITTY: Uh, excuse me.
You might want to tell your husband
that sushi was on top of a stripper
last night at a bachelor party.
Babe, they got all-you-can-eat sushi.
It's better than you'd think.
ISAAC: Matters are on my mind,
and we must speak.
Let me get right to it.
Nigel, it seems apparent that you
wish for us to move in together.
You read my storm-out
correctly, Captain Higgintoot.
I don't know how else to say this,
but I fear that our relationship is not
at the stage in which I would
feel comfortable cohabitating.
I see.
So let's take our
relationship to that stage.
I'm sorry?
(GASPS) Now it is I who gasp.
Nigel
Yes, Isaac?
Will you make me
the happiest ghost on
the entire property?
No.
I will make you the second happiest.
Get up so I can look
my fiancé in the eye.
Oh, my only regret is
that I lack the ability
to physically place
a ring on this finger.
You've already embedded a shiny
metal object deep in my heart.
You're referring to the
bullet I killed you with.
NIGEL: Or, as Samantha would say,
our meet cute.
So, we can move in together now?
My fiancé?
Absolutely.
Oh, and I'll ask Samantha
if we can just use
one of the extra guest rooms.
If she says no, I'll tell
her she's being homophobic.
It gets stuff done.
And perhaps we can
use that money of yours
to buy a king-sized bed.
That might be nice.
Yeah, nothing better than a king.
Oh, I see what you did there.
- It's hard to beat me in a battle of wits.
- (CHUCKLING)
Well, a battle of armies
on the other hand
(CHUCKLES) We will have fun.
PETE: We've reached a verdict.
Henrietta Woodstone, for your crimes,
you are hereby sentenced
to banishment in the woods
for a period of one year.
A year?
Thor only got three days
for chopping Peter in half.
Ended up staying entire week.
Bonded with family of beetles
that taught me life lessons.
Wow. A year. Y'all don't mess around.
It is quite harsh.
But I accept my fate.
And do not worry about me.
When the weather turns
I shall take shelter
in the old outhouse we
reserved for the help
and foreign-born guests.
TREVOR: Hey, guys.
Did you hear the big news?
Isaac and Nigel are engaged.
(EXCITED LAUGHTER)
- What?
- Yes.
They're moving in together,
the whole megillah.
That's incredible. We
should all celebrate
after Thor dumps Hetty in the woods.
Wait, what?
She's been convicted by the Ghost Court.
Thor, take her away.
Can't it just wait a moment?
I would like to take
part in the celebrations.
You celebrate with beetle friends now.
- (LAUGHING)
- (HETTY GASPS)
Wait.
Uh
So, like
can I still meet up with
Hetty for our daily walks?
Yeah, that's not really how the
whole banishment thing works.
What about conjugal visits?
♪
Not in this situation, obviously.
But if I ever get banished
and there's a Swedish bikini team ghost
that I'm schtupping?
There is no outside contact allowed.
So like, I can't even
watch TV with her sometimes?
Who am I gonna make my
naughty Momoa comments to?
I'm around and ready
to objectify that man.
It's not the same.
You said you wanted
her punished, Alberta.
I think.
- Sometimes I hear things.
- ALBERTA: Yeah.
But I don't want to go
a whole year without
my friend.
Well, you could forgive her.
That would allow the court
to vacate her sentence.
Okay, I might be able
to forgive you, Hetty.
But I want something if you're
going to stay in this house.
Anything.
Well, if Isaac's moving in with Nigel,
then you've got that
big room all to yourself.
So how about I get your room,
and you move in with Flower?
(GASPS) New roomie?
I'm gonna braid your hair
while you're sleeping.
(ALBERTA LAUGHS)
Well, what's it gonna be, Hetty?
Flower or the woods?
If I could just see if the
outhouse still has a roof.
- Seriously?
- HETTY: Fine.
Fine. Thank you, Alberta.
I truly am sorry.
I know.
And it's a good thing you've
embraced female friendships
'cause you're going to get a
lot of practice with Flower.
Oh, oh, oh
Do you want to be the
engine or the caboose
in the massage train?
It just doesn't even make any sense.
There's only the two of us.
Not every conversation
has to make sense.
We're gonna have so much fun!
Yay!
Ooh, God. (SNIFFLES)
TREVOR: So he was shooting blanks?
That makes so much sense!
That's why he was always raw-dogging it.
A life without consequences.
What a gift.
So, how he die in strip club?
I like to say I died in
a motorboating accident.
I had an aneurism with my
head pressed between two boobs.
- I didn't ask.
- (DOOR OPENS)
So, you wanted to talk about my offer?
Yeah, uh, we did.
We just thought before we
make our final decision,
we want to do another DNA test,
just to be sure.
Okay, why?
Because we've recently
uncovered evidence
that suggests David
Woodstone was sterile.
SAMANTHA: We're not
accusing you of anything.
We just want you to take another test
from a different company.
(SINGSONGY): Dan, what should I do?
Why is she asking him?
Why is she asking you?
- I have no idea.
- (QUIETLY): Dan, you said this would work.
Okay, clearly, this woman is having
- some sort of a mental breakdown.
- No, I'm not.
He said he'd give me $10,000
- if I pretended to be your cousin.
- SAMANTHA: What?!
Dan, you were in on this?
- No!
- Yes!
Normally, I would stand
up and confront you,
but I ate strip club sushi, and
my stomach's not feeling
so good right now.
So, why don't you tell
us what's going on?
Okay, you know what? Fine.
Recently, I was contacted
by a major hotel chain with
an offer to buy your home
for way over market value.
Simultaneously, the New York Knicks
have been blowing some very
large second half leads.
Yeah, they're resting their
starters, it's driving me nuts.
But that is not what we're
talking about right now.
So, you were trying to trick
us into selling you our house
for basically nothing so
you could turn it around
and sell it at a huge profit,
all to pay off some gambling debts?
Well summarized, babe.
That's all water under the bridge, okay?
What is important is,
there is a very substantial
offer on the table
for your house from the Four Seasons.
Now, look.
There is no one better
to help you navigate
that tricky sale than your man Dan.
- No!
- JAY: Get out of our house!
Both of youse.
When you say, "Get out of our house,"
do you mean after my free weekend stay?
Just go!
I'd walk you to the door,
but I am afraid to stand up.
JAY: Thank you for coming
with me to get Pepto Bismol.
SAMANTHA: You're welcome.
- I can't believe we almost lost the house.
- But we didn't, babe.
Your dead uncle dipped his
balls in a pot of coffee
- and everything turned out fine.
- Yeah, that's true.
- It was scary though.
- Yeah.
And just to be clear,
we're not gonna take the
offer from the Four Seasons?
- Come on, we could never leave the ghosts.
- Yeah.
I love those stupid invisible bastards.
Think about how much
our lives have changed
in these past two years.
Each one of the ghosts has
come to mean so much to me.
I never had a lot of family.
But the truth is,
these days we're surrounded by family.
And yes, they can be frustrating
and demanding and childish.
♪
But I've also seen them grow.
Seen them be loving
and giving and sweet.
And the thing is,
for as much as we help them,
they've made our lives so much richer.
Not in the financial sense, but sure.
I just can't imagine
not having them around.
Yeah, I feel the same way.
I mean
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.
What?
I think one of the ghosts
just got sucked off.
What? Who?
I have no idea.
I hope it's Trevor.