Grounded For Life (2001) s02e22 Episode Script
215 - Oops!...I Did It Again
Back, dad, back.
OK.
All right, throw it! Back further! You can't throw it this far, Henry.
Go.
OK.
All right, throw it! Get it.
You get it.
You get it.
It's closer to you.
Hey, Jimmy.
Wanna play some ball? I can't.
I got homework.
What's with your hair? Nothing.
It is kind of a new look for you, a little, uh, Quadrophenia Sgt.
Pepper's mop top thing, huh? I didn't understand a word you just said.
That's all right, buddy.
Go do your homework.
Stop! Whoa! What's that on your head? Nothing! It's a huge zit! Shut up! Whatever.
Come on, dad, hit me! I'm wide open! Go deep, buddy, go deep! You OK? I caught it! Good job, buddy.
All right! OK.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, Lily! I give her a new Clash CD, and she just throws it away.
Oh, my God.
What is it, dad? Uh, the guy from 'nsync's looking for the perfect girl.
Let me see that.
No, no, no.
Look, go--go--go deep.
Go long.
Go, go! Keep going.
God, Lily.
I'm open, dad! What are we doing? We're waiting for Lily to get home.
How come? Pregnancy test? Yep.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I know.
This is serious.
I know.
Oh, man.
I mean, I don't know what to say to her, you know? What do I say? "How was school? How was history? How's French? Uh, anything new in your uterus?" So who do you think the father is? I mean, it could be anybody.
No, it couldn't! Come on, it's gotta be her boyfriend Dean.
Ah, God.
How could I have been so blind, Ed? You know, I mean, the signs were in front of me all the time.
Lily, you OK? Oh, I'm fine.
Heh.
You got me into this, Dean, and then you just abandoned me.
Oh, yeah, I'll meet you at mocha jojo's at 3:00.
That'll be fun.
No, I will not meet you at mocha jojo's, you idiot! Lily? Sweetie, do you want us to take you to the doctor? - No! - No.
Look, you guys, it's probably just food poisoning, OK? That'll teach me to eat from one of those rotating meat machines.
So maybe she's telling the truth.
She could have eaten from the core of the meat.
What are you talking about? They never switch out the core on those things.
They just attach pieces of lamb back onto it with a special glue.
You don't take a pregnancy test when you eat bad meat.
Fine.
You know, she's pregnant, OK.
I was just trying to make you feel better.
God, I can't believe it.
I mean, come on, I thought Lily was smarter than this.
Why? You and Claudia weren't.
Oh, baby, I want you so bad! Do you have a condom? No.
I was gonna bring one, but I didn't want you to think I was one of those guys who was, you know, ready for action.
That's so sweet.
Do you have one? No.
I didn't want you to think I'm a skank.
Oh, baby, you're so not a skank.
We just--we better cool it, then.
Yeah.
Well, look at the bright side-- You're gonna be a grandfather.
How is that the bright side? 'Cause you get to have all the fun of having a baby with none of the responsibilities.
Come on, I'm still supporting the mother! I'll have twice the responsibilities! Calm down, gramps.
You're gonna have a heart attack.
Oh, God! Why are you hiding it? Look, just leave me alone.
What's with the hat? Jimmy's got a huge zit.
So what? So what? This thing is ruining my life.
When you have an equation with 2 variables, you have to solve "x" in terms of "y", or "y" in terms of "x.
" You're looking at my zit, aren't you? No.
Come on, Jimmy.
It's--it's not that big.
It's enormous.
It's like I'm growing a second head.
Hey, you know what? You should give it a name.
You should get out of my face.
Which one? Shut up! Hey, uncle Eddie.
Hey, look at you.
You're glowing.
I am? Lily, hey.
So good to see you home.
Heh.
Hey, dad.
I'm going out.
I'm going out.
I'm going Somewhere.
Hey, what's going on? Not much.
Did I get any calls? Oh, are you expecting a call, perhaps from Dean? Yes.
Maybe.
What did he say? Well, what should he be saying? Uh, heh.
What do you mean? Well, what should I mean? OK.
What's wrong with you? Oh, nothing's wrong with me.
I feel great, and you know why, missy? Because I'm not pregnant! OK! Hey, I found this in your garbage.
What is that? It's your pregnancy test! Oh, dear God.
That's not mine.
Come on, come on-- All the throwing up.
I know morning sickness when I see it.
Why didn't I just die on the way over here? It's not morning sickness.
It's from my antibiotics.
You're taking antibiotics? For what? Well, I didn't want to tell you.
I--I didn't think you'd approve.
I don't know, baby.
A tattoo is like forever.
Oh.
I'll get a serpent, and you can get an apple.
So that way, when we get close, it looks like my serpent is eating your apple.
Ew.
Fine.
Then what do you want us to get? I don't know.
Maybe you can get a Yin, and I'll get a Yang.
Cool.
Let's do it.
You're sure about this? Yes.
Let's do it.
Come on.
It'll be so romantic.
Ohh! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ohh! You're breaking my hand! Ay, yi yi, ya! Aah, ay! Ay! Ya! Ya! All right.
You're done.
Oh, thank God.
Ohh! OK, baby.
You're up.
Unh! Dean? Dean! You Want me to put his Yin on your Yang? Just give me a band-aid, you freak.
You got a tattoo? Yes! Whoo! Oh, God! Thank you! Thank you! You're not mad? Oh, no.
In an hour, I'm gonna be furious, but right now I'm ecstatic! Yeah! Whoo! My baby girl's not pregnant! She wasn't gettin' it on, all right! Sean? Uh, yeah, dad? Where's Claudia? Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
I know.
Oh, God.
I know.
This is serious.
I know.
Oh, jeez.
I know.
Oh, daddy.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I can't believe mom's pregnant.
Man, we're gonna be brothers! We already are.
Oh, my God.
Am I gonna have to share my room with a baby? Oh, God, I have the most irresponsible father in the entire world.
You should've known him when he was a teenager.
Oh, boy! Sean, could you hold one end for me? Dad, this is kind of an important call, all right? Is this about that job, Seanny? Shh! Shh! Right.
Right.
Eddie.
Hey, Eddie, help me out here.
Eddie! Dad! Shh! Uh, sorry.
Don't forget.
Tell 'em you'll work overtime, and you got a family to support.
Shh! Hello? Yeah, hi, my name is Sean Finnerty.
Yeah, my favorite radio station is Loudest Rock! We did?! Whoo! Man, we got tickets to Live Aid! All right! You can hear? What? Oh! What's Live Aid? That's what I wanted to know.
Dad, it's gonna be the single most historical event of our time.
You know, all these bands are gonna be there, and Phil Collins is playing in London, and then he's gonna fly on the Concorde and he's gonna play in Philadelphia, and all these other bands are gonna be there.
How is that a historical event? They're gonna end world hunger, and Ozzy's gonna be there.
Hey, babe.
Baby, we got tickets for Live Aid! - We can't go to Live Aid.
- Why not? 'Cause I'm So? You still got a couple weeks.
We can make it.
Yeah, and the first one's always late.
I know you can hear! What? I don't know if it's a good idea.
Claud, this may be the best idea we've ever had.
What is wrong with men?! They are so selfish! You know, dad is just like Dean.
Whenever they want something, you don't matter at all.
Oh, my God! I could have been born at some lame concert in Philadelphia! Yeah.
You could've been.
Grandpa Lily, I just did you a huge solid.
What are you talking about? What are you doing standing up in your condition? What? Look at her, dad.
She's all rosy and dewy.
Oh, Eddie, what did you do? Oh, just lookin' out for you in your time of need.
Had a little chat with your loverboy outside the bakery.
Hello, Dean.
Mmm, Eddie, what's going on? - What's goin' on? Jelly doughnut, eh? - Yeah.
- It's good, huh? - Yeah, it's great.
How can you just eat that after what you did to my niece? All right, look-- Yeah! Look, all right, it wasn't what I wanted to happen.
You know, it was supposed to be romantic, sort of.
Oh, yeah? It's not like we're the only kids doing it.
All right, everyone said it would be fun, you know? In, out, you're done.
No big deal.
But then Lily-- she started screaming, you know? Things got a little messy.
Watch your mouth, all right? Look, all right? It was the first time for both of us, here.
We didn't know what we were doing! Maybe we should've gone to a classier place, you know? There were all the bikers sitting around watching us, waiting for their turn.
You--you are gonna die.
I said I was sorry! Sorry?! Listen, what you gotta do now is stand up and be a man.
All right? Be a man.
What you did to that little girl is forever! Calm down! If she doesn't want it anymore, she can get rid of it with a laser.
OK, now you're dead! You're lucky I'm wearing clogs.
So good news and good news.
He won't be bothering you anymore, and I've got pie.
OK, first of all, if I was pregnant, why would you want to scare the father away?! And second, I'm not pregnant! I've got an infected tattoo! Dad, you want pie? Yeah.
Hi, everybody.
Claudia, you shouldn't be carrying that bag! That's OK, Walt.
I got it.
No, I'll take it.
Really, it's not heavy.
No, no, no, please.
You rest.
I'll put it in the kitchen for you.
OK--don't touch my bag! She's irritable.
That means it's a boy.
Oh, hey, seany, sorry I'm late.
That store was mobbed! They were out of cream and chicken soup! So I had to get cream of mushroom, which I know the kids hate mushrooms, but they can pick out the mushrooms, 'cause you like mushrooms.
Oh, I love mushrooms, and you're pregnant.
What? I know you're pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
You're not? No, I-- I might Be pregnant.
You might be? Come on! The stupid test was inconclusive.
You're supposed to look for a plus or a minus, but it didn't look like either, then when it dried, it looked like a division sign, and They said to wait a couple days and then just take another test.
Well, what are you doing? Come on, take it! I can't.
Why not? I don't have to pee! Well, come on! Jeez! Start drinking! Here.
Beer? Oh, no, no, don't drink beer.
I'll drink beer.
I need a beer.
You know what you need? You need to relax.
Baby, I can't.
Come on, another baby? We were just getting our lives back to normal, the TV's not sticky anymore.
We can keep sharp objects around the house, and look--I can open the cabinet under the sink, and I don't have to press anything down! See? It's open! So what? You think I don't like opening cabinets? I love opening cabinets! I don't think you do love opening cabinets.
You're awfully damn calm about all this.
Yeah, well, you should have seen me on Tuesday.
I can't be late I can't be late! Oh, God, I'm never late! I'm definitely late! Uugggh! Aw, come on, you say that, but come on.
Come on.
Yeah, you know.
You like babies.
Everybody likes babies! See? I knew it! Damn, how could I be so blind? The signs were right in front of me the whole time.
Oh You OK, baby? Yeah.
It's the muppets.
Yeah.
Ppfffft! Oh, my! Pffftt! Are you accusing me of something? I'm just saying if you didn't want a baby, you could have been a little more careful.
Ha ha ha ha Yeah, you weren't exactly out of town when this happened.
Get in here.
Oh, baby, I want you so bad! Do you have a condom? Oh Well, if I do, it's under the seat and over 14 years old.
We'd better cool it, then.
Yeah, I guess so.
OK.
Oh, God, what were you thinking? What was I thinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wearing that dress Oh, come on.
I wear sweat pants and a parka, and you're all over me.
So I tried to pop it, and guess what.
I made it a thousand times worse.
OK, sweetie, you know what? We'll just get you some concealer.
You know, o-or a motorcycle helmet.
Well, I'm glad that my disfigurement amuses you! Oh Oh, my God.
We have 2 teenagers.
Yeah.
Was I born at a Phil Collins concert? What? I was, wasn't I? No, no, there were-- there were a lot of other acts there.
There were the Thompson twins-- Who? Power station.
Who? Reo speedwagon.
OK, now you're just making names up.
Come on.
It was the music event of the decade.
You were lucky you were there.
Are all men jackasses, or just the ones I know? Excuse me? My boyfriend drags me to a tattoo parlor, and you drag a pregnant woman to a rock concert.
OK, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second, all right? You don't know the whole story.
Oh, my God! My water just broke! That's cool, baby.
We'll get you another one.
Not my drink! My water just broke! Oh, God! Oh, God! Move aside! Move away! Woman in labor coming through! Ow, ow, ow! Move aside! Out of the way! Excuse me! Out of the way! Woman in labor coming through! Out of the way! No, no, no, baby, I can't make it any further! Right here.
Right here's really good.
Baby, I got you.
Hold on.
I got ya! Live Aid t-shirts.
Only $20! Help! My girl's having a baby! We got baby sizes, too.
We don't need shirts, man! We need a doctor! Is there a doctor? I got ya! Is there a doctor anywhere? I got you, baby.
I'm gonna take you to a safe place.
Doctor! Is there a doctor back there? No, no, no.
Out! Out! No, no! My girlfriend, she's pregnant! Oh, man, why didn't you say so? Now get out! I'm not a groupie, man.
I'm a dad! Yo, yo, it's run dmc.
Hey, run, my girlfriend, she's pregnant! Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
I ain't never seen that girl before in my life.
No, no, man, she's having a baby right now.
You gotta help us, please! Please? All right, let 'em in.
Somebody boil some sheets! Come on, baby.
Come on.
Everybody relax.
I see the head coming.
It's right there! You're right there.
Oh, my God! It's Duran Duran! Simon Lebon's seeing me naked.
This isn't at all the way I pictured it.
Come on, you're on! All right, I got an emergency here.
Crosby, Stills, Nash-- Get your guitars, get on stage! Come on, come on, go, go, go, go! Gaaah! Ho-hold on for a second, Claudia.
Could you introduce me to Ozzy Osbourne? Can this--can this wait? All right, if it has to.
Come on, baby, come on.
One more push! Come on, baby! Come on! OK--aaaaah! It's out, it's out.
It's a girl.
Come on, cut the umbilical cord.
Come on.
Get Ozzy to do it.
He'll bite it.
You picked mom up and carried her through a stadium full of screaming idiots? Drunken, screaming idiots.
Your dad was my hero.
See? Even jackasses can rise to the occasion.
Thanks, dad.
Did you, uh, say something about a tattoo parlor? Jimmy, what's up? Is your sister here? Lily! Hey, how do you get rid of your pimples? I don't know, man.
I never had one.
God, I hate you! Dean.
What are you doing here? Uh, baby, look, I just came to say that I'm sorry for how I acted the other night, and I think I found a way to make it up to you.
Oh, Dean.
Yeah.
This is magic marker.
Uh Dude ripped me off! My dad carried my mom through a mob so that I could be delivered by a rapper.
What does that mean? It means you better step up, or you're gonna be one lonely jackass.
Now go to the tattoo parlor and get your damn Yin.
- Can I just buy you something? - No! Hey, Sean, good news.
I've gotta pee.
I can top that.
Let your mother go first.
Listen, if, um If this is another baby, you're gonna be OK with it, right? Of course.
If we have another baby, I'm gonna love it with all my heart.
And if we don't, I'll love that, too.
I love you.
Now go make some pee-pee, OK? OK.
OK, you're not all out there waiting for me, are you? Because it really doesn't help me go if I know you're all out there waiting.
It's just me No Oh, my God! What? I dropped the test in the toilet.
I'm going to the drugstore.
Run, I wish there was something we could do to thank you.
You know, actually, there really is.
Anything.
Did y'all name this baby girl yet? No.
We were kind of leaning toward Eleanor.
What do you think about Lily? That was my dog.
She got hit by a car.
I'm gonna miss that dog.
Lily's a beautiful name.
Lily's good.
Yeah, Lily's good.
My dog.
OK.
All right, throw it! Back further! You can't throw it this far, Henry.
Go.
OK.
All right, throw it! Get it.
You get it.
You get it.
It's closer to you.
Hey, Jimmy.
Wanna play some ball? I can't.
I got homework.
What's with your hair? Nothing.
It is kind of a new look for you, a little, uh, Quadrophenia Sgt.
Pepper's mop top thing, huh? I didn't understand a word you just said.
That's all right, buddy.
Go do your homework.
Stop! Whoa! What's that on your head? Nothing! It's a huge zit! Shut up! Whatever.
Come on, dad, hit me! I'm wide open! Go deep, buddy, go deep! You OK? I caught it! Good job, buddy.
All right! OK.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, Lily! I give her a new Clash CD, and she just throws it away.
Oh, my God.
What is it, dad? Uh, the guy from 'nsync's looking for the perfect girl.
Let me see that.
No, no, no.
Look, go--go--go deep.
Go long.
Go, go! Keep going.
God, Lily.
I'm open, dad! What are we doing? We're waiting for Lily to get home.
How come? Pregnancy test? Yep.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I know.
This is serious.
I know.
Oh, man.
I mean, I don't know what to say to her, you know? What do I say? "How was school? How was history? How's French? Uh, anything new in your uterus?" So who do you think the father is? I mean, it could be anybody.
No, it couldn't! Come on, it's gotta be her boyfriend Dean.
Ah, God.
How could I have been so blind, Ed? You know, I mean, the signs were in front of me all the time.
Lily, you OK? Oh, I'm fine.
Heh.
You got me into this, Dean, and then you just abandoned me.
Oh, yeah, I'll meet you at mocha jojo's at 3:00.
That'll be fun.
No, I will not meet you at mocha jojo's, you idiot! Lily? Sweetie, do you want us to take you to the doctor? - No! - No.
Look, you guys, it's probably just food poisoning, OK? That'll teach me to eat from one of those rotating meat machines.
So maybe she's telling the truth.
She could have eaten from the core of the meat.
What are you talking about? They never switch out the core on those things.
They just attach pieces of lamb back onto it with a special glue.
You don't take a pregnancy test when you eat bad meat.
Fine.
You know, she's pregnant, OK.
I was just trying to make you feel better.
God, I can't believe it.
I mean, come on, I thought Lily was smarter than this.
Why? You and Claudia weren't.
Oh, baby, I want you so bad! Do you have a condom? No.
I was gonna bring one, but I didn't want you to think I was one of those guys who was, you know, ready for action.
That's so sweet.
Do you have one? No.
I didn't want you to think I'm a skank.
Oh, baby, you're so not a skank.
We just--we better cool it, then.
Yeah.
Well, look at the bright side-- You're gonna be a grandfather.
How is that the bright side? 'Cause you get to have all the fun of having a baby with none of the responsibilities.
Come on, I'm still supporting the mother! I'll have twice the responsibilities! Calm down, gramps.
You're gonna have a heart attack.
Oh, God! Why are you hiding it? Look, just leave me alone.
What's with the hat? Jimmy's got a huge zit.
So what? So what? This thing is ruining my life.
When you have an equation with 2 variables, you have to solve "x" in terms of "y", or "y" in terms of "x.
" You're looking at my zit, aren't you? No.
Come on, Jimmy.
It's--it's not that big.
It's enormous.
It's like I'm growing a second head.
Hey, you know what? You should give it a name.
You should get out of my face.
Which one? Shut up! Hey, uncle Eddie.
Hey, look at you.
You're glowing.
I am? Lily, hey.
So good to see you home.
Heh.
Hey, dad.
I'm going out.
I'm going out.
I'm going Somewhere.
Hey, what's going on? Not much.
Did I get any calls? Oh, are you expecting a call, perhaps from Dean? Yes.
Maybe.
What did he say? Well, what should he be saying? Uh, heh.
What do you mean? Well, what should I mean? OK.
What's wrong with you? Oh, nothing's wrong with me.
I feel great, and you know why, missy? Because I'm not pregnant! OK! Hey, I found this in your garbage.
What is that? It's your pregnancy test! Oh, dear God.
That's not mine.
Come on, come on-- All the throwing up.
I know morning sickness when I see it.
Why didn't I just die on the way over here? It's not morning sickness.
It's from my antibiotics.
You're taking antibiotics? For what? Well, I didn't want to tell you.
I--I didn't think you'd approve.
I don't know, baby.
A tattoo is like forever.
Oh.
I'll get a serpent, and you can get an apple.
So that way, when we get close, it looks like my serpent is eating your apple.
Ew.
Fine.
Then what do you want us to get? I don't know.
Maybe you can get a Yin, and I'll get a Yang.
Cool.
Let's do it.
You're sure about this? Yes.
Let's do it.
Come on.
It'll be so romantic.
Ohh! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ohh! You're breaking my hand! Ay, yi yi, ya! Aah, ay! Ay! Ya! Ya! All right.
You're done.
Oh, thank God.
Ohh! OK, baby.
You're up.
Unh! Dean? Dean! You Want me to put his Yin on your Yang? Just give me a band-aid, you freak.
You got a tattoo? Yes! Whoo! Oh, God! Thank you! Thank you! You're not mad? Oh, no.
In an hour, I'm gonna be furious, but right now I'm ecstatic! Yeah! Whoo! My baby girl's not pregnant! She wasn't gettin' it on, all right! Sean? Uh, yeah, dad? Where's Claudia? Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
I know.
Oh, God.
I know.
This is serious.
I know.
Oh, jeez.
I know.
Oh, daddy.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I can't believe mom's pregnant.
Man, we're gonna be brothers! We already are.
Oh, my God.
Am I gonna have to share my room with a baby? Oh, God, I have the most irresponsible father in the entire world.
You should've known him when he was a teenager.
Oh, boy! Sean, could you hold one end for me? Dad, this is kind of an important call, all right? Is this about that job, Seanny? Shh! Shh! Right.
Right.
Eddie.
Hey, Eddie, help me out here.
Eddie! Dad! Shh! Uh, sorry.
Don't forget.
Tell 'em you'll work overtime, and you got a family to support.
Shh! Hello? Yeah, hi, my name is Sean Finnerty.
Yeah, my favorite radio station is Loudest Rock! We did?! Whoo! Man, we got tickets to Live Aid! All right! You can hear? What? Oh! What's Live Aid? That's what I wanted to know.
Dad, it's gonna be the single most historical event of our time.
You know, all these bands are gonna be there, and Phil Collins is playing in London, and then he's gonna fly on the Concorde and he's gonna play in Philadelphia, and all these other bands are gonna be there.
How is that a historical event? They're gonna end world hunger, and Ozzy's gonna be there.
Hey, babe.
Baby, we got tickets for Live Aid! - We can't go to Live Aid.
- Why not? 'Cause I'm So? You still got a couple weeks.
We can make it.
Yeah, and the first one's always late.
I know you can hear! What? I don't know if it's a good idea.
Claud, this may be the best idea we've ever had.
What is wrong with men?! They are so selfish! You know, dad is just like Dean.
Whenever they want something, you don't matter at all.
Oh, my God! I could have been born at some lame concert in Philadelphia! Yeah.
You could've been.
Grandpa Lily, I just did you a huge solid.
What are you talking about? What are you doing standing up in your condition? What? Look at her, dad.
She's all rosy and dewy.
Oh, Eddie, what did you do? Oh, just lookin' out for you in your time of need.
Had a little chat with your loverboy outside the bakery.
Hello, Dean.
Mmm, Eddie, what's going on? - What's goin' on? Jelly doughnut, eh? - Yeah.
- It's good, huh? - Yeah, it's great.
How can you just eat that after what you did to my niece? All right, look-- Yeah! Look, all right, it wasn't what I wanted to happen.
You know, it was supposed to be romantic, sort of.
Oh, yeah? It's not like we're the only kids doing it.
All right, everyone said it would be fun, you know? In, out, you're done.
No big deal.
But then Lily-- she started screaming, you know? Things got a little messy.
Watch your mouth, all right? Look, all right? It was the first time for both of us, here.
We didn't know what we were doing! Maybe we should've gone to a classier place, you know? There were all the bikers sitting around watching us, waiting for their turn.
You--you are gonna die.
I said I was sorry! Sorry?! Listen, what you gotta do now is stand up and be a man.
All right? Be a man.
What you did to that little girl is forever! Calm down! If she doesn't want it anymore, she can get rid of it with a laser.
OK, now you're dead! You're lucky I'm wearing clogs.
So good news and good news.
He won't be bothering you anymore, and I've got pie.
OK, first of all, if I was pregnant, why would you want to scare the father away?! And second, I'm not pregnant! I've got an infected tattoo! Dad, you want pie? Yeah.
Hi, everybody.
Claudia, you shouldn't be carrying that bag! That's OK, Walt.
I got it.
No, I'll take it.
Really, it's not heavy.
No, no, no, please.
You rest.
I'll put it in the kitchen for you.
OK--don't touch my bag! She's irritable.
That means it's a boy.
Oh, hey, seany, sorry I'm late.
That store was mobbed! They were out of cream and chicken soup! So I had to get cream of mushroom, which I know the kids hate mushrooms, but they can pick out the mushrooms, 'cause you like mushrooms.
Oh, I love mushrooms, and you're pregnant.
What? I know you're pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
You're not? No, I-- I might Be pregnant.
You might be? Come on! The stupid test was inconclusive.
You're supposed to look for a plus or a minus, but it didn't look like either, then when it dried, it looked like a division sign, and They said to wait a couple days and then just take another test.
Well, what are you doing? Come on, take it! I can't.
Why not? I don't have to pee! Well, come on! Jeez! Start drinking! Here.
Beer? Oh, no, no, don't drink beer.
I'll drink beer.
I need a beer.
You know what you need? You need to relax.
Baby, I can't.
Come on, another baby? We were just getting our lives back to normal, the TV's not sticky anymore.
We can keep sharp objects around the house, and look--I can open the cabinet under the sink, and I don't have to press anything down! See? It's open! So what? You think I don't like opening cabinets? I love opening cabinets! I don't think you do love opening cabinets.
You're awfully damn calm about all this.
Yeah, well, you should have seen me on Tuesday.
I can't be late I can't be late! Oh, God, I'm never late! I'm definitely late! Uugggh! Aw, come on, you say that, but come on.
Come on.
Yeah, you know.
You like babies.
Everybody likes babies! See? I knew it! Damn, how could I be so blind? The signs were right in front of me the whole time.
Oh You OK, baby? Yeah.
It's the muppets.
Yeah.
Ppfffft! Oh, my! Pffftt! Are you accusing me of something? I'm just saying if you didn't want a baby, you could have been a little more careful.
Ha ha ha ha Yeah, you weren't exactly out of town when this happened.
Get in here.
Oh, baby, I want you so bad! Do you have a condom? Oh Well, if I do, it's under the seat and over 14 years old.
We'd better cool it, then.
Yeah, I guess so.
OK.
Oh, God, what were you thinking? What was I thinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wearing that dress Oh, come on.
I wear sweat pants and a parka, and you're all over me.
So I tried to pop it, and guess what.
I made it a thousand times worse.
OK, sweetie, you know what? We'll just get you some concealer.
You know, o-or a motorcycle helmet.
Well, I'm glad that my disfigurement amuses you! Oh Oh, my God.
We have 2 teenagers.
Yeah.
Was I born at a Phil Collins concert? What? I was, wasn't I? No, no, there were-- there were a lot of other acts there.
There were the Thompson twins-- Who? Power station.
Who? Reo speedwagon.
OK, now you're just making names up.
Come on.
It was the music event of the decade.
You were lucky you were there.
Are all men jackasses, or just the ones I know? Excuse me? My boyfriend drags me to a tattoo parlor, and you drag a pregnant woman to a rock concert.
OK, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second, all right? You don't know the whole story.
Oh, my God! My water just broke! That's cool, baby.
We'll get you another one.
Not my drink! My water just broke! Oh, God! Oh, God! Move aside! Move away! Woman in labor coming through! Ow, ow, ow! Move aside! Out of the way! Excuse me! Out of the way! Woman in labor coming through! Out of the way! No, no, no, baby, I can't make it any further! Right here.
Right here's really good.
Baby, I got you.
Hold on.
I got ya! Live Aid t-shirts.
Only $20! Help! My girl's having a baby! We got baby sizes, too.
We don't need shirts, man! We need a doctor! Is there a doctor? I got ya! Is there a doctor anywhere? I got you, baby.
I'm gonna take you to a safe place.
Doctor! Is there a doctor back there? No, no, no.
Out! Out! No, no! My girlfriend, she's pregnant! Oh, man, why didn't you say so? Now get out! I'm not a groupie, man.
I'm a dad! Yo, yo, it's run dmc.
Hey, run, my girlfriend, she's pregnant! Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
I ain't never seen that girl before in my life.
No, no, man, she's having a baby right now.
You gotta help us, please! Please? All right, let 'em in.
Somebody boil some sheets! Come on, baby.
Come on.
Everybody relax.
I see the head coming.
It's right there! You're right there.
Oh, my God! It's Duran Duran! Simon Lebon's seeing me naked.
This isn't at all the way I pictured it.
Come on, you're on! All right, I got an emergency here.
Crosby, Stills, Nash-- Get your guitars, get on stage! Come on, come on, go, go, go, go! Gaaah! Ho-hold on for a second, Claudia.
Could you introduce me to Ozzy Osbourne? Can this--can this wait? All right, if it has to.
Come on, baby, come on.
One more push! Come on, baby! Come on! OK--aaaaah! It's out, it's out.
It's a girl.
Come on, cut the umbilical cord.
Come on.
Get Ozzy to do it.
He'll bite it.
You picked mom up and carried her through a stadium full of screaming idiots? Drunken, screaming idiots.
Your dad was my hero.
See? Even jackasses can rise to the occasion.
Thanks, dad.
Did you, uh, say something about a tattoo parlor? Jimmy, what's up? Is your sister here? Lily! Hey, how do you get rid of your pimples? I don't know, man.
I never had one.
God, I hate you! Dean.
What are you doing here? Uh, baby, look, I just came to say that I'm sorry for how I acted the other night, and I think I found a way to make it up to you.
Oh, Dean.
Yeah.
This is magic marker.
Uh Dude ripped me off! My dad carried my mom through a mob so that I could be delivered by a rapper.
What does that mean? It means you better step up, or you're gonna be one lonely jackass.
Now go to the tattoo parlor and get your damn Yin.
- Can I just buy you something? - No! Hey, Sean, good news.
I've gotta pee.
I can top that.
Let your mother go first.
Listen, if, um If this is another baby, you're gonna be OK with it, right? Of course.
If we have another baby, I'm gonna love it with all my heart.
And if we don't, I'll love that, too.
I love you.
Now go make some pee-pee, OK? OK.
OK, you're not all out there waiting for me, are you? Because it really doesn't help me go if I know you're all out there waiting.
It's just me No Oh, my God! What? I dropped the test in the toilet.
I'm going to the drugstore.
Run, I wish there was something we could do to thank you.
You know, actually, there really is.
Anything.
Did y'all name this baby girl yet? No.
We were kind of leaning toward Eleanor.
What do you think about Lily? That was my dog.
She got hit by a car.
I'm gonna miss that dog.
Lily's a beautiful name.
Lily's good.
Yeah, Lily's good.
My dog.