Growing Pains s02e22 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER [ON PAL.]
: Tonight, some lucky contestant will walk out of here with fame fortune and the total respect of the journalism community.
Yes, it's time for.
CROWD: The Pulitzer Prize! [CHEERING.]
ANNOUNCER: And here are our contestants, from the Washington Post Woodward and Bernstein.
[CHEERING.]
From his retirement home in Martha's Vineyard you know him, you love him, and boy, do you trust him Walter Cronkite.
[CHEERING.]
And from the Long Island Daily Herald, Maggie Seaver.
[ONLY MAGGIE CHEERING.]
CROWD: Who? ANNOUNCER Maggie Seaver? [ALL LAUGHING.]
Jason, what's going on? What were you thinking, Maggie? I mean, Woodward and Bernstein? Walter Cronkite? You're not in their league.
[LAUGHING.]
Just be thankful you have a job.
[LAUGHING.]
Jason, why are you talking to me like this? Don't ask me, Maggie, it's your dream.
I mean, look at this.
Would I wear polka dots? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, Maggie.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
MAGGIE: Oh, Jason! Jason! -Ah! Ah! -Maggie, what is it? Maggie.
Jason? Yes, it's Jason, honey.
Oh, honey, I just had the weirdest, scariest dream.
I was a chicken and I was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize with Walter Cronkite and Woodward and Bernstein.
But then everybody started laughing at me and making fun and I felt terrible.
You were a chicken? Even you were cruel to me.
-Honey, I know what this is.
-Aren't you gonna apologize? -For what? -For being so cruel.
It was your dream.
That's exactly what you said in my dream and I didn't buy it.
Sorry.
That's better.
Honey, your dreams are just little messages from your subconscious.
You have to think of it as being sent little telegrams.
So, what's the message? Well, we went to the journalism awards dinner last night.
-Yeah.
-And you didn't win anything.
-Yeah.
-So you're afraid that well, that means you're not a good reporter.
Jason, I am certainly not afraid I'm a good reporter.
I know.
-I mean a bad reporter.
-Yeah.
Doesn't matter to me one little bit that I was overlooked for the second year in a row.
What do I need a silly, little Long Island journalism award for, huh? JASON: Uh-huh.
Afraid I'm a bad reporter.
What kind of a crack is that? Oh, yeah-- Mr.
Watney, I can't help you if you don't communicate.
If I tell you things, how do I know you won't turn around and sell it to 60 Minutes? The patient-doctor relationship is practically sacred.
I've never violated it and I never will.
Okay, I'll tell you everything.
[TIMER DINGS.]
I'm sorry, your time is up.
Great.
One of these weeks we're gonna have to get around to why you're here.
Yeah, right.
Right, right, next week.
I promise.
[BEEP.]
MAGGIE [ON RECORDING.]
: Hi, honey, it's me.
Call me the second you're through with your patient.
No, wait.
Put down the phone and listen.
I said listen.
Remember the keynote speaker at the journalism awards banquet last night? -Max Drummond.
-Max Drummond, right.
Out of the blue, he calls me says he thinks I'm talented and ready for the big time.
Then he offers me a job on his paper.
Jason, me, writing for the New York Clarion.
Isn't that fantastic? -Well, isn't it? -Yeah.
I thought so too, but when I could finally talk I told him I needed time to think it over and to talk to you.
He wanted you and me to have dinner tonight with him and his wife.
He said he'd like to get to know us socially.
Isn't this exciting? Bye, sweetheart.
Well, don't just sit there, call me.
Come on, Maggie, we're gonna be in Manhattan by 8.
-What do you think? -If this guy doesn't hire you, I will.
-Oh, Jason, why wouldn't he hire me? -Well, I'm sure-- -Why would he hire me? -He's gotta know-- Maybe there isn't a job.
Maybe this is all the same bad dream.
Honey, relax, if this were a dream, I'd be wearing more comfortable shoes.
Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.
I'm just being a big chicken.
That's why I was a chicken in my dream.
Will you forget that dream? You're a talented, experienced reporter who just happens to lay eggs.
-You're right.
-I hope not.
I mean, I must know what I'm doing.
Why would a New York City editor wanna hire me? -Right.
-Thank you.
It's about time you tuned in to what everybody already knows.
-And that is how totally terrific you are.
-Aw.
Dad, get that woman out of here, Mom's upstairs.
Wait a second.
Is that hot, sexy babe Mom? Isn't he sweet? Among other things.
-Carol, Ben, we're leaving.
-All right.
BEN: Good luck.
-Break a leg.
You guys have fun, and don't worry, we'll keep Carol in line.
Oh, good.
-Bye, guys.
-Bye-bye.
BEN: Bye.
-Good luck.
Ice cream! Ice cream! "We'll keep Carol in line"? Yeah, come on.
We know what a nutty troublemaker you are.
Me? Who's the one who's always straightening up around here, huh? Who's the one who tells you to get your smelly tennis shoes off the couch? Oh, don't forget the other one, Carol.
Oh, I won't.
Here, catch.
BEN: I didn't do it.
Monsieur and Madame Drummond should be along shortly.
Bon appétit.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
When they hired me at the Herald all they bought me was Chicken McNuggets.
Ha, ha, ha.
-Maybe that's what my dream was about.
-Look, Maggie.
If you love me, you'll forget that dream, okay? Come on, relax, sweetheart.
You're good at what you do.
Oh, honey, you're right, you know.
I do belong here.
Oh, no, no.
I don't smoke.
This would be a good time to start.
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
Oh.
-Max.
-Don't you look just lovely.
Muah.
Thank you.
-This is my husband-- -Jason.
-Yeah.
-We met at the Long Island Press Awards.
-Yeah, I enjoyed your speech.
-Of course.
Sit, sit ,sit.
-Monsieur Drummond.
-Ugh.
Excuse me.
Drummond, talk.
Tell the senator we're gonna go with the story as written.
I run this newspaper.
Yeah, well, we can play hardball too.
Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Would you mind if I just take a second to clear my head? MAGGIE: Oh.
[GRUNTING.]
Ah.
Well, I promise you that is the last business interruption for the evening.
Maggie, you have my undivided attention.
Well, Jason and I were just saying what a lovely restaurant-- MAX: Maggie-- -Oh, this is-- Let me get right to the point.
I want you, I need you.
And I'm not going to let you go until you say yes.
Well, Max, you overwhelm me.
Sorry, shiny nose.
This is my lovely wife, Margo.
-This is Maggie and Jason Seaver.
-Oh, my goodness.
You two know each other? Well, doesn't Jason look exactly like my brother Bill? Your brother looks like Bea Arthur.
A lot of guys look like Bea Arthur.
Now that we've got that straightened out why don't we just sit down and relax and enjoy the rest of the evening.
Maggie -do you have that answer for me yet? -I'm thinking.
-I think better when I dance.
MAX: Me too.
JASON: Yeah.
Okay.
[BAND PLAYING SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
Small world, huh, doctor? Very.
I used my maiden name in our sessions -because Max is kind of famous.
-Ah.
Max would have a fit if he knew I told he's the sleazy two-timing, skirt-chaser he is.
Well, I may have a fit myself.
Oh, God.
I just realized everything I told you.
-You tell your wife, she could be telling-- -No, I can't tell anybody.
What goes on between you and I, patient-doctor, is strictly confidential.
Good.
No, bad.
If your wife actually believes my husband wants to hire her for her talent he's got her hooked.
Would you like to hear the catch of the day? JASON: I think I'm married to it.
MIKE: Say, Ben, wasn't this Mom's brand-new lamp? I'm just glad I was in the kitchen when Carol trashed it.
Would you guys shut up? You know, you'd figure Carol would know how to use something called Goofy Glue.
Maybe she needs some nerd glue.
All right, Ben.
Ha, ha.
Okay, okay.
Here's the deal.
You two are gonna help me glue this back together again.
-Ha, ha.
Yeah, right.
-Sure, Carol.
I'll put it another way.
When Mom and Dad come home and see this broken lamp who do you think they'll believe did it? Oh, sure, fine, go ahead.
Blame little Ben.
Hey.
And whenever Ben gets in trouble, who do they always say is the bad example? Hey.
Come on, you wouldn't lie to them, would you? Oh, I would and I'd enjoy it.
Anything for our little sis.
Okay.
[BAND PLAYING SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
-Was that a yes I heard? -Heh, heh, heh.
No, not yet, anyway.
Max, what makes you think I'm ready for the New York Clarion? Well, I can tell from your writing.
And what does my writing tell? Well, your writing tells me that you're very talented, mature, thoroughly self-confident with absolutely no doubts about who you are or where you're headed.
-Am I right? -Um.
Pretty close.
Ha, ha, ha.
Is that enough to make you puke or what? Oh, he's subtle, very subtle.
Right about now, he's telling her how much he admires her work and how that reflects on her as a person.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
-My wife is a very smart woman.
-Oh, sorry.
We shouldn't even be discussing this.
This is very awkward for me.
No.
You're right, you're right.
I'm sure your wife is much more together.
I mean, a week after she's hired, he'll hit on her.
She'll turn him down and he'll give her the ax.
-I bet that makes you feel a lot better.
-Oh, much.
Maybe I should charge you for a change.
Ha, ha, ha.
I think I'll go to the powder room.
I can only take a little of this at a time.
JASON: And I can't warn Maggie.
I can't say a thing.
Oh, perfect.
It isn't bad.
Do you think it'll hold? What, are you kidding? On the commercial this stuff holds five elephants over the Grand Canyon.
Yeah, and they don't put anything on TV that isn't true.
Well, we're in the clear now.
You two clean up the mess.
Heh, heh.
Carol, if I cleaned up the mess around here you'd probably find yourself standing in a trash can out by the curb.
Come on, Ben, get up.
I can't.
I'm stuck.
You're kidding, right? No, he isn't.
[BEN SCREAMING.]
What are you screaming about? I don't know.
I've never been glued to a table before.
Oh, my God.
All right, um-- Put your hands on my neck and when I pull on you, throw your weight towards me.
-Okay.
-All right, ready? One, two, three.
Ugh! Oh, no.
No, no.
What are we gonna do now? [SOFT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Did I tell you the number of Pulitzer Prize winning writers on the Clarion? Oh, no.
Well, you'll have to wait till I chat with the chef.
I have a very special dinner planned.
JASON: Yeah, with Maggie as dessert.
Jason, is this the most fantastic night, or am I dreaming? Are these the only two choices? Oh, honey, you cannot believe how much Max wants me.
Oh, yes, I can.
He says he has a very exciting position in mind for me.
I wouldn't be doing cute little stories like I do at the Herald.
I'd finally, for the first time, get to do hard news.
-Real news, crime, corruption.
-Murder? If I'm lucky.
JASON: Maggie, how can I tell you without telling you? What do you think? Well, honey, I think you should think.
That's it? I could get better advice from a fortune cookie.
Well, I mean, I think that you've, uh.
You've gotta carefully weigh all the possibilities here.
Well, I'm trying.
What should I do? Well, I think there are angles.
Think.
But should I take the job? JASON: Look at my eyes.
It's right there.
I don't think you should make that decision tonight.
Jason, what's going on? You suddenly sound like you work in the White House.
Maggie, the only help I can give you is to tell you to ask yourself why you really want the job.
And why Max wants you.
JASON: I do sound like I work in the White House.
I feel much better.
You won't when Mom and Dad get home.
Stand aside, big problems call for big solutions.
What is that? It's the answer to our prayers.
The electric sander.
-Good night.
-See you.
Come on, where are you guys going? Anywhere but here.
Come on, guys, relax, relax.
Now, this is a foolproof plan, all right? All we gotta do is we glide the sander over the tabletop a couple of swoops.
We stain it to a perfect match, it dries by morning and we got it made in the shade.
So, what do you guys think? BEN & CAROL: Mike, Mike.
-Guys.
-Guys.
CAROL: I beg you, Mike.
Guys.
It's either this or we tell Mom and Dad that we ruined the coffee table.
Now, do you want to do that, Ben? Carol? Good, we agree.
Don't worry, Ben, someday you'll look back on this as the day you became a man.
You too, Carol.
[SANDER WHIRRING.]
-Turn it off, turn it off! CAROL: Unplug it, unplug it! BEN: Oh, no.
The lamp, the lamp.
Uh.
Maggie, I hope your silence means you're thinking.
JASON: I sure hope so.
Oh, yes.
Good thoughts, I hope.
You know, I shouldn't have any problem making this decision.
I mean, after all, I wrote an entire feature article on career choices.
Well, it wasn't really your feature writing that caught my eye.
Ha! Sorry, gas.
Well, what was it then? It was your hard news.
Hard news.
Oh.
JASON: What hard news? Like my urban crime series? -Exactly.
-My piece on government corruption? JASON: What piece on government corruption? -Best.
-That vigilante murder trial.
JASON: Oh, reel him in, Maggie.
I liked what you wrote better than what we printed.
Well, Max this really, really, helps me make up my mind.
I'm going to have to say no.
Hey, you just spilled champagne all over Jason here.
I'm used to it.
I'm a psychiatrist.
JASON: You slime bucket.
I was truly flattered by your offer, Max.
But, no.
Well, Maggie, this is very important.
-You should really be-- -I'm sure.
JASON: Neener, neener, neener.
Thank you but no thank you.
JASON: Neener, neener, neener.
Monsieur Drummond, dinner is served.
I trust everything will be to your complete satisfaction.
Not tonight.
Ha, ha, ha.
Well, I am starved.
Heh, heh.
What do you got here? What is it? Good night, Max, Margo.
Thank you for a lovely, lovely evening.
He's got nerve lying to me about how good my stories were when I was lying to him about writing them.
Honey, I'm sorry, really.
And I was really excited about this job.
I mean, for a while there I actually thought I was good.
Well, you are.
Jason, he made this job offer because.
Because he wanted to sleep with me.
JASON: Oh, I have to say something very clever here.
I can't believe that.
That's the only thing that makes sense to me.
His lies, his compliments, the way he danced the way he ignored his wife.
Well, that's shocking.
Yeah? Well, wait till you hear this.
From the look on his wife's face, she knows.
Look at it this way you took all those clues you put them all together you came up with the truth about Max Drummond.
Now, that takes a very good reporter.
I did do that, didn't I? Yes, you did.
That's a feather in your cap.
Feather? Maybe that's why I was a chicken in my dream.
Shut your beak.
Between all of our allowances we got money for a new coffee table.
Mom and Dad sleep late on Saturdays.
First thing tomorrow, me and Benny will go to Chadwick's and pick one up.
They're home, they're here, they're coming.
-Cover the hole.
-Ben, sit down.
Okay, now just don't move, okay? KIDS: Hi.
JASON: Hi, everybody.
How's everything? Everything's great, Dad.
-Ben? BEN: I'm great too.
-I want you in bed in five minutes.
-Okay.
-Mike, you lock up, okay? MIKE: Yeah, sure thing, Dad.
-See you guys in the morning.
CAROL: See you.
-Good night.
-Good night.
BEN: Oh, no.
Ah! So, what did you guys have for dinner?