Hannah Montana s02e22 Episode Script

Sorry, carl, the answer is six.
That means you are dumber than a dog.
Wow.
When is this not on? Next up, a cD from rapper White Gold.
Or should I say, Warren Goldblatt? Another prep school poser whining about how hard it is out there to be a gangsta.
-Barney Bittman.
I love that guy.
-I love this.
Are you guys serious? He trashes practically everybody.
I would not waste two seconds on that squinty-eyed little weasel.
coming up, a cD from teen pop sensation, Mikayla.
Or should I say, teen poop sensation? Move over and hit "record.
" If cupid had a heart he would make you fall You'd fall in love with me in no time at all If cupid had a heart If Cupid Had A Heart.
Give me a break.
If Mikayla had a heart, she'd stop singing.
But I did buy two of her cDs and they were fantastic at blocking out her moose calls.
Crush her, Barney, baby.
coming up next week, I review yet another teen pop sensation, Hannah Montana.
Whoop-dee-do.
Barney Bittman? Whose career is that squishy-faced snake going after this time? come on! You get the limo out front Hottest styles, every shoe every colour Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun It's really you but no one ever discovers Who would have thought that a girl like me Would double as a superstar? You get the best of both worlds chill it out, take it slow Then you rock out the show You get the best of both worlds Mix it all together And you know that it's the best of both worlds Daddy, there is no way I'm letting Barney Bittman review my concert.
Can't I just have the flu? Mile, why are you letting this guy get to you? What's the worst thing he can say? Well, how about, "Hannah Montana, what did that poor state ever do to you?" You know, that sounds exactly like something he would say.
-Miley's right -Where? -And it would be terrible.
-It'd be just awful.
And, honey, it wouldn't matter.
You said yourself, the guy's a jerk.
Yeah, but he's a jerk who knows good music.
And if he doesn't like me, then maybe I'm no better than Mikayla.
Miley Stewart, you don't believe that any more than I believe calling a snail "escargot" is gonna stop it from tasting like a salty loogie.
You know, as gross as that sounds, I have to agree.
He's right.
Miley, you're way better than a salty loogie.
Fine.
I'll do the concert.
But if Barney Bittman's going to be there, this has got to be the best show I have ever done.
All week I am going to rehearse.
No distractions, no interruptions Surprise, surprise! -Uncle Earl! -Earl! I ran over this in Texas.
Who wants to grill it up? Sweet niblets.
Whoo doggies.
Look at this place.
You folks sure live high on the hog.
Speaking of hogs, I can't believe you brought Cuddles.
Well, I needed someone to keep me company.
It was either him or Aunt Pearl.
And this one doesn't need to stop every 20 minutes to tinkle.
-Hey, Uncle Earl, what's this? -That's Cuddles' tinkle box.
You are such a wimp.
-Take it back, take it back.
Take it.
-Stop it! It's getting on me! It's getting It's seeping through my clothes.
Daddy, you know I love Uncle Earl, but how am I going to focus on my concert with him here? Mile, I wouldn't even worry about it.
If I know Earl, all he's going to want to do is run around Hollywood with a map of the stars' homes and play Celebrity Ding Dong Ditch.
Like you did when we first moved here? Good times, good times.
Yeah.
So, Earl, what do you want to do first? v enice Beach, Hollywood Sign, maybe play a little Ding Dong Ditch? That sounds tempting, but I'm out here on a mission.
I'm gonna be a rock star.
-What? -What? I know it sounds crazy.
But Robby Ray, you followed your dream.
I always kick myself for giving up on mine.
I mean, look at us.
Remember when I was the hot one? -He was the hot one? -No, it's true.
Uncle Earl was the prom king and Dad had a unibrow.
Sexiest unibrow in Buford County.
You know, all these years I've wondered what would have happened if I'd stayed with my music.
Would I have a little bit more of this? Maybe just a little bit less of this? Well, now with the help of Hannie Montanie, I'm gonna know for sure.
"Uncle who showed up at the worst time possible," say what? I know what you're thinking.
This unc can't bring the funk.
Well, get ready to scream like a girl when you feel the power of Uncle Earl.
Well, what'd you think? -I think I lost a filling.
-Me, too.
-I'll drive you to the dentist.
-Okay.
Be honest.
I can honestly say I've never heard anything like it before.
And I may never hear anything ever again like that, because it was special.
So you'll help me? A talent like yours just screams "help me," Earl.
I knew my kin would be there for me.
There's just one little problem.
You see, I have this concert on Saturday and this major critic is coming, so I'm going to be rehearsing every minute, -so I don't -That's no problem.
That's perfect! What better way for me to learn how to be a rock star than to follow you around? You won't even know I'm there.
Just a little fly on the wall.
Just a little fly on the wall I'm going to be needing a really big fly swatter.
I am a rock star Yeah That was awesome.
That was awesome.
Great job, guys.
I can already hear Barney Bittman saying, "What a band, what a girl, what a show.
" All right, now let's kick some butt on Nobody's Perfect and call it a great day.
Let's go.
Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days One, two, three, four Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days Everybody knows what, what I'm talking about Everybody gets that way Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has those days Everybody Uncle Earl, what are you doing? -Watching your rock star moves.
-Gee, thanks.
Earl! Dang flabbit.
There you are.
Come on, Robby Ray.
I done seen the lighting booth, the sound booth, the dressing room.
I just want to watch one song real close up, please? Now, Earl, that puppy dog face used to work when we were kids, but I'm a man now.
What the heck, Miley? One song won't hurt, will it? Thank you, O Man of Steel.
Okay.
You can watch one song, but, please, just don't get in the way.
I won't.
Fly on the wall.
You won't even know I'm here.
Won't even know I'm here.
Not here.
Look out, Uncle Earl.
Earl, you clumsy dang clodhopper! Sorry, young fellow.
It's cool.
It was an accident.
-Are you hurt, son? -I think I broke my hand.
But you can still play, right? No.
But I'm sorry, I mean, it's just so important.
Don't worry, kiddo.
I caused this problem, I'm gonna fix it.
I don't like where this is going.
Hannie Montanie, say howdy to your brand-new guitar player.
Everybody makes mistakes Everybody has them days Are you sure you can't play with your feet? Daddy, what am I going to do? As soon as Barney Bittman sees me on stage with Uncle Earl, he'll rip me worse than Mikayla.
Maybe Earl won't be that bad.
I'm gonna be a rock star! I'm gonna be a rock star! He's doing a jig with a pig.
I'll go talk to him.
Perfect.
Dad will talk to him, he'll understand and everything will be okay.
So, who wants pie? You caved, didn't you? I'm sorry, honey, but he looked at me with that puppy dog face.
I've got a puppy dog face, too.
No, Earl's got you beat.
Fine.
I'll go talk to him.
I can't believe it, Pearl.
Miley's making my dream come true.
I feel like Sanjaya, you know, in the early rounds.
And you know what? Ever since I found out I was in the band, I'm not hungry all the time.
It's like I was eating to fill the emptiness, and now my guts are filled with love.
And it's all because of Miley.
So how did it go? He said I filled his guts with love.
Well, this is quite the dilemma.
You can't keep Uncle Earl away from the critic, and you still haven't figured out how to keep the critic away from Uncle Earl.
What to do, what to do? What's it going to cost me? A hundred bucks and Cuddles sleeps in your room.
-Fine.
-And you clean the tinkle box.
Yours or the pig's? Don't push it.
Now all you have to do is get Barney to leave the concert to go to a party at Ozzy Osbourne's.
Perfect plan If I knew Ozzy Osbourne! Well, you do now, love.
Sharon! Hannah, this place is packed, and I can see Barney Bittman in the balcony.
Does he look happy? Catch of the day? What day? Last Thursday? Not really.
Miley, the show's going to start in five minutes! Where's Uncle Earl? Maybe he got stage fright! You know, deep down, he really is very shy.
Check out your funky uncle! I'm a rock star! Okay, Funkle Earl, I love the whole flaming head thing you got going on.
Just, can we bring it down a notch? Or more? A lot? Whatever you're comfortable with.
A lot would be good.
Sorry, it's hard to take it down on the greatest night of my life! I mean, look at me! I'm so excited I'm sweating my flames off! Well, then let's go get you a towel.
And maybe a big hat.
Or whatever you're comfortable with.
A big hat would be good.
Well, I guess it's all up to Jackson now.
Pray with me.
Barney! -Barney, you cheeky monkey.
-Ozzy! Come give Ozzy some love.
Ozzy! You look terrible.
What are you doing at a Hannah Montana concert? Is that where I am? I thought I was getting a taco.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen.
I'm listening! -Well? -You didn't say anything.
Right.
There's a party at my house.
Come on! Wait a minute, I have to review Hannah Montana.
But Sharon's making Avocados all mashed together.
It's very good.
Okay, I'll go with you, but just one question.
How stupid do you think I am? I was hoping, a lot.
Enjoy the show! -Jackson's plan is gonna work.
-Jackson's plan is gonna work.
-Jackson's plan is gonna work.
-Jackson's plan is gonna work.
Great news.
My plan worked.
-It did? -It did? Yep.
Bittman's on his way to Ozzy's right now, so just go out there, have a great concert and don't worry about a thing.
-You're lying.
-How did you know? Your lips are moving.
I'm sorry.
I tried.
Y'all saw what Barney Bittman did to Mikayla.
Think about what's going to happen to me when he sees me on stage with the Earl of Embarrassment? I'm an embarrassment to you? -My tooth! -Mine, too.
It hurts.
-Okay.
Be right back.
-Nice flames.
Uncle Earl, I Earl, I found you a hat.
It's a big one, too.
You don't want me to play with you, do you? Oh, boy.
No, I don't.
Earl, this is my fault.
I should've been honest with you from the get-go.
We love you, it's just It's just this show, it's so important and -And you're so -Stupid.
Come on now, Earl.
I mean, you don't have to What was I thinking, trying to be a rock star? I was born a loser.
I'm always going to be a loser.
I'm the most embarrassing dang doofus in this whole family.
Worst than Unlucky Bucky, or Wacky Wilbur, or even Jackson.
Hey.
Good grief, boy, look what you're wearing.
And now, the legendary Tower of Blues is proud to present Hannah Montana! Uncle Earl That's all right.
Robby can play the guitar parts.
He's got the hair for it.
I'm sorry, Earl.
Come on, darling, it's show time.
Oh, yeah How you doing, Tower of Blues? Are you ready to rock? Keep playing, Daddy.
I'll be right back.
Come on, guitar man.
Drop your snack, you're in the act.
What? Yeah, come on.
I need my funky uncky on stage.
I thought you was worried about that big-time critic.
I was, but I was wrong.
The truth is, I don't care what anybody thinks.
Everyone deserves a chance to live their dream, and yours is waiting for you on that stage.
So, come on, I don't have time to argue.
Wait for me! Now we're ready to rock! Sometimes I walk a little faster in the school hallway Just to get next to you Some days, I spend a little extra time in the morning just to impress you Guess you don't notice Guess you don't need this Sad you're not seeing what you're missing On the outside, shying away On the inside, dying to say I'm unusual Not so typical Way too smart to be waiting around Tai chi practising Snowboard champion I can fix the flat on your car I might even be a rock star I might even be a rock star Hit it, Uncle Earl! Can't sleep? How'd you know I was out here? This is where I came after my first concert.
Pretty pumped, aren't you? Kiddo, I haven't been this excited since the last time I saw my belt buckle.
You were awesome tonight.
Thank you.
I can't believe you were foolish enough to let this old hillbilly out on stage.
Hey, if you can't be a fool for family, who can you be a fool for? So what are you going to do now? I'm going to go home.
I miss my Pearl.
But what about your rock star dream? I lived it tonight, thanks to you.
And sitting here, I've realised something very, very important.
What's that? I can't get up.
-How about I help you up? -All right.
What's next? Oh, yeah.
Hannah Montana.
First of all, the name.
It rhymes.
cute, but why? This is not starting off well.
Why don't I just change the channel? I think Are You Dumber Than A Dog? is on.
Yeah! It'll be much more fun watching Oliver lose to the beagle again.
That dog was coached! Guys, it's cool.
I did right by my family, and that's all that matters.
Hannah and her band gave one of the most bizarre, chaotic performances I've ever experienced.
Don't care, don't care, don't care.
And I loved every minute of it.
It was pure old school, kick-butt rock and roll.
The way it should be.
Yes! In your face, Mikayla! He likes me Barney Bittman likes me Not that I care.