Happily Divorced (2011) s02e22 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience, and based on what actually happened to me.
Hey, Judy, look at these new shoes that I got for the honeymoon.
And they were on sale, because one's a 6 1/2 and one's a 7.
Fran, you're an 8.
You're gonna lose the circulation in your feet.
Oh, no, it'll be all right.
I plan to have them elevated for most of the honeymoon anyway.
Look, you can't even tell.
No one would ever know.
You know, your shoes are two different sizes.
No one who wants to have sex with me will ever know.
Miss Fran, you remember my son? Oh, of course.
- Hi - Emilio.
Emilio.
Can you at least say hello to miss Fran? How are you? How have you been? Hey.
Wow, look how handsome and grown-up you've gotten.
What are you, like 21, 22? - Judy.
- Let the man answer.
Emilio, could you put these away for me? Did you see the eye roll? You want to hear an annoying sigh? Take the box too! Cesar, what's going on? You tell me.
He used to confide in me.
Now all he does is grunt.
Why won't he tell me what's going on? Well, not for nothing, but why don't you try not screaming at him? Because it doesn't work! Oh, Fran may be right.
You might not be communicating with him in the right way.
Yeah, sure, it's easy to give advice when you don't have kids.
Well, we may not have children, but it doesn't mean that we can't be parental.
Besides, me and Elliot would love to have a baby.
Oh, right.
He knows how old you are.
Does he? You know, sometimes I just want to lock him in his room.
Cesar, bad idea.
My dad tried to keep me under his thumb, and I rebelled Became a real bad boy.
Remember Scarface? Guess who snuck in without paying? It's a slippery slope.
You got to trust us on this one.
Yeah.
Let me see the boy.
Where is he? Emilio.
I'll figure out what's wrong with him.
It's probably a girl thing.
You know your shoes are two different sizes? Not a girl thing.
She was certain that he was her one and only But their union always seemed a little forced She got married anyway Turns out that he was gay They're still in love But now she's Happily Divorced Judy, take Emilio into the kitchen.
I've got mac and cheese in the fridge.
Cesar, we need to talk to you about something.
Fran, we are not sure.
Thanks, but I don't do sugar, carbs, or trans-fats.
Cesar, we have to talk to you about something.
Ah, come on.
So you got any friends with cute daddies trapped in unhappy marriages? Cesar, we think we know what the problem is.
Yeah, he's a 16-year-old pain in the ass.
It's a little more complicated than that.
Yeah, we think that, when Emilio grows up, he's gonna have the same interests as Peter.
Oh, my God, you mean he wants to be a realtor in this market? No, no, no, we think that maybe he's not attracted to girls.
Are you saying you think my son is gay? Little bit.
Really? I don't know.
You know, he plays an awful lot of sports.
Oh? But he also has a lot of friends that are overweight girls.
Oh! But under his bed we found a playboy.
Oh? But we also found a playbill.
Ahh.
Wow.
How could I miss something like this? Oh, don't feel bad.
You're an excellent parent.
We're just better.
Cesar, you're gonna love Emilio no matter who he is, right? Oh, of course, Mr.
Peter.
Gay sons are very good to their parents.
And I don't trust our daughter to take care of us in our old age.
She can be very bitchy.
Knock, knock, neighbors.
I have a situation.
Neil, if it's about the dent in your bumper, it was already there when I hit it.
This is not about the car.
My 16-year-old daughter is on a break from boarding school.
I need somebody to keep an eye on her.
I can't ask any of my lady friends, because, well, you know She fights with girls her own age? Please don't make any comments like that while you're watching Sarah.
And what makes you think that I'm gonna watch your kid? The $500 check you gave me for this property that you're on just bounced.
Well, the money was in there when I wrote it.
Yes, but, you see, it has to stay in there.
That's how checks work.
Well, I don't understand.
There was plenty of money when I bought these So Sarah's her name? Yes, and she's very quiet and sweet and hardly says a word.
So please use your inside voice so you don't scare the crap out of her.
Okay, Emilio, we have to make these deliveries now.
Do I have to? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cesar.
Emilio, why don't you just hang out here with us today? Oh, that's a great idea, because then the kids will have each other.
He's sullen, she's mute, we won't even know they're here.
Yeah, we're gonna talk and chillax.
Chillax? Yeah, that's a combination of chill I know.
This is great.
Sarah's gonna have a little friend for the day.
Oh, lovely.
A moment? I am not having that walking hormone anywhere near my little girl.
Are you sure? 'Cause apparently you're not the best judge of these things.
Fool me once Well, I don't know the rest, but you get the point.
Hey, Sarah, come on out.
I want to see how it looks.
I don't know.
I usually don't wear things this short.
Well, don't you think your boyfriend's gonna love it? I don't have a boyfriend.
Well, do you want one? Look at this.
You're a beautiful young woman.
This is a great outfit.
I would wear it.
Yeah, but you're like 35.
Oh, I am so loving you right now.
So what do you think? I like it, but the first one you found for me was a silkier sort of material.
Well, that's an Emilio Pucci.
I know that because my name's Emilio.
Yeah.
That's why.
Listen, you have a really good eye for fashion and for aged balsamic vinegars, all of which is completely normal.
Do you know what I'm saying? No, not really.
Okay, look, when I say Chicago, do you think Cubs or Chita Rivera? Hey, fellas, doesn't Sarah look beautiful? This is fantastic.
You just need some opaque tights and a felt hat.
That's exactly what I was going to say.
Oh, like father's boss' ex-husband, like son.
You know, I really feel like I'm getting through to her.
Her father treats her like a baby, but I'm treating her like a woman.
Mm-hmm, and, Franny, I am so close to getting Emilio to just open up and finally come out.
Oh.
You see what we're doing here? We're teaching them to be comfortable being themselves.
- Oh, Petey, we did good.
- Yeah.
We would have made great parents.
And you know why? Because we have great instincts.
We do.
We do.
What the hell is happening over there? Wow.
I still can't believe Emilio is straight.
And how about that little slut Sarah? Listen, you think it would be okay if we didn't mention to my dad what happened today? - Please? - Oh, we're cool.
We're not gonna narc you out.
Yeah, Sarah, that would be whack.
Why don't you take those groceries into the kitchen and unpack them? At least they're good for something.
Hey, Emilio, now that you've come to terms with your heterosexuality, when it comes to the chicks, you just gotta remember your three rs Respectful, - reliable, and - Rubbers.
No, I was gonna say responsible, but it's more or less the same thing.
I get it.
It's cool.
Great.
Put her right We're cool.
We're here.
And we brought presents for the kids.
What do they like to play with? Each other.
They're 16 years old, ma.
So I schlepped this here for nothing? - Oh.
- Oh, it's a my first little oven.
I always wanted one of these.
I used to dream of making my own Asian peanut sauce and cherry lady fingers.
See, daddy, you did make a little boy happy.
We're gonna get the rest of the groceries out of the car.
Oh, good, thank you.
Hey, kids.
We're Nana and Poppie.
And if you have any drawings or anything we could put up on the refrigerator Ma, they're not your grandkids.
Who's gonna know? Oy.
They grow so fast.
Too fast.
We turned our backs on them for two minutes, and already they were making out.
You just thank God that she's not like you.
Stealing our car, taking off with a boy, stumbling in at 2:00 A.
M.
Smelling of Bartles & Jaymee, wearing a bra like earmuffs.
Look, it was cold.
I lost my hat.
Well, that's not all you lost that night.
Well, Sarah's lucky.
Because she has a person in her life who communicates with her.
Here's how I used to communicate with your boyfriends Hand, back of the head.
Oh, daddy, that is so old school.
We have a much more progressive style of parenting.
Plus, we don't want to get arrested.
Everything's illegal now.
That's why the Chinese are taking over.
Glen, you'd be surprised at how receptive kids are if you just talk to them when they make a mistake.
We would talk to her.
We just didn't give a crap what she was saying.
Well, parenting has evolved.
You got to learn their language, be their friend.
We know what we're doing.
I hope so, because your friends just stole Fran's car.
What? Oh, Peter, we got to stop them.
He better come back with that $70 bottle of virgin olive oil.
He better come back with two virgins.
Oh, Peter, we can't keep driving around aimlessly like this.
Now think.
You're a 16-year-old boy.
You're horny.
Where do you go to have sex? Uh, a quaint little bed and breakfast overlooking the lighthouse at hyannis port.
All right.
I'm 16.
I've got money in my pocket.
Oh, my God, they're smoking a doobie in Judy's basement.
Would you calm down? I can't.
Neil's gonna kill us.
We didn't do anything wrong.
We're the ones that put those two together.
We're like their pimps.
Put your brights on.
Maybe I could see better.
Oh, shut up, I am cruising around looking for children.
- Peter.
- I know.
That really didn't sound right at all.
It was a big mistake being friends with her.
This is what happens when you have a kid so close to your own age.
It's all my fault.
Oh, sweetie, no, it's my fault.
- Okay.
- Okay? What do you mean, okay? How is it my fault? Well, you're the idiot that let a 16-year-old boy go into a dressing room with a half-naked girl.
Well, if someone were less concerned about being a teenager's BFF, which incidentally sounded moronic coming out of a 50-year-old mouth She said I was 35.
She also said, "hey, let's go to king burger.
" She is dyslexic.
Why couldn't you have been the one that went missing? I mean, at least then I could have found you - on the Facebook.
- Whoa.
What's that supposed to mean? You know, it's just so nauseating.
Every 30 seconds you're posting another stupid picture.
"This is me without my shirt on.
"This is me without my shirt on in a hat.
This is me without my shirt on at dusk.
" You know, Frannie, I am this close to unfriending you.
Oh, my God.
I friended Emilio this morning.
Get my phone.
Pull up his profile.
See if there are any new posts.
Please, his hands are too busy.
There is a post from seven minutes ago.
- Who? - Oh, my God.
They're half-naked in Neil's jacuzzi.
Wait, they stole your car to go next-door? You know, nobody walks in L.
A.
We'll cut across the patio.
It'll be faster.
What are you guys still doing here? We just wanted to see your face when you figured out the kid just moved your car to send you on a wild goose chase so he could make out with the girl next-door.
Well, why didn't you tell us that before we went on the goose chase? Oh, didn't we? Well, I guess we're the kind of parents that don't know how to communicate.
Come on.
Oh, well, if it isn't Bonnie and Clyde.
- Who? - What? We trusted you.
How dare you steal our car? What is wrong with you? Get out of there right now.
I really can't right now.
Sarah! Where are you? Oh, no, there's your father! - Get out of there.
- I'll text you.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Get away from her.
- Stay away from her.
- Where are you, darling? Neil, hey, long time, no see.
Liking the look.
Loving the manscape.
Uh, thank you? Hey, Neil.
Oh, look, isn't this nice? Everybody's in.
Yeah, just me, your daughter, and her new gay best friend.
Hey.
Neil, we were just about to grill some burgers.
No, sweetie, you remember, I was saying that we were out of buns.
Maybe Neil will go to the store and get us some buns.
I've got some buns in the fridge.
Oh, well, how about some Hawaiian bread then, and pineapple chutney? Actually, I've got all that.
You do? Well, screw me.
You know, Sarah, this is the first time I've ever seen you in this jacuzzi.
Oh, Sarah's had a lot of firsts today.
We've had a blast.
Oh, well, that's great, 'cause I was thinking about having Sarah spend the whole summer here with me.
Really, daddy? 'Cause I would love that.
Yeah, that's perfect, because Sarah volunteered to work in my flower shop six days a week.
And on Sunday she's going to deliver to hospitals and senior homes.
- She did? - I did? You did.
Well, that's very outgoing.
What's gotten into my sweet little angel? - Nothing.
- No one.
All right, I'll go and get us some wine.
Awesome.
You're gonna be here all summer.
Yeah, but you won't.
You're gonna be spending your summer sitting with Peter trying to sell liberace's old house.
That's right.
You're going to straight boy jail, mister, and I'm the warden.
Boy, that didn't come out right either.
Okay, we're good here.
Say, do you prefer red or white? Were you in there with your clothes on? Well, yes, I was.
You know, there's children in there.
I'm not their friend.
It would be inappropriate for me to be in there with anything less.
I don't know how they do it in your country.
So, wait a minute, you're saying my son is straight? Look, it just teaches you not to jump to conclusions.
But you're the ones who said you knew what the problem was.
- Oh, what do we know? - We don't have kids.
Don't listen to us.
My wife was so excited she finally had someone to shop with.
Great.
Now, for the rest of my life, I'm gonna be the one stuck outside that stupid dressing room holding her purse.
Thanks a lot.
- Well, you know, Frannie - Hmm.
With the kids out of the house, at least I had time to try out that new recipe.
What's your favorite type of cake? - Devil's food.
- Voila! Oh, Petey, you used your new my first little oven.
I did.
Don't fill up.
I have a pizza margherita coming.
Mm, okay.
- Just a sliver.
- Okay.
You know, Petey, I really enjoyed myself today.
- Yeah? - It was nice being a mommy, helping an awkward little girl out of her shell.
Mm, I got to admit, - it was fun being a dad.
- Aw.
Teaching my boy how to throw a Brunch.
Well, you know, it's not too late for us.
I mean, we both could still do it.
- No, we can't.
- No friggin' way.
My knees are swollen, my neck hurts, I'm not doing it.
It's absolutely ridiculous.
You know, I've still got to get to the gym.
Well, I'll tell you, Cesar was right about one thing.
Without kids, who's gonna take care of us when we're old? Well, I'm marrying Elliot.
That's true.
He's got a lot of money.
He'll take care of us.