Home Economics (2021) s02e22 Episode Script

1 Ta-da! "Home Economics" by Tom Hayworth.
Cover design fresh from the publisher.
What do you think? - I love it! - Congratulations, Tom.
It's so great.
Is that the font you're gonna use? - It is.
- Oh.
I just thought it was going to be more swoopy.
And the arrows, I don't know.
It feels a little on the nose, right? Like, this way is poor.
This way is rich.
- Right? - We get it.
Is that me? Where's my face? It's like an abstract representation of you.
Whoa, is this your book cover? It is, what do you think? Where are all the kids? I'm feeling very unseen right now.
Is that the font you're gonna use? Okay, well, I wasn't really asking for feedback.
Okay, why don't you guys head over to the park now? Yeah, thank you.
You know what? I'm in a good mood.
Nothing can burst my bubble because I'm finally publishing this bad boy.
Well, we are in a good mood too, because we went to go see a fancy baby doctor and Denise got a check up for a $15 copay.
Oh! Thank you, Windmount Academy health insurance.
They pre-warmed the stirrups for me.
I felt like Nicole Kidman! [LAUGHTER.]
I know I was nervous about this whole thing at first, but now I'm just so excited to see a little Denise running around.
Oh, hey, Connor just rolled up.
Have you guys talked in the last week? He hasn't been returning my calls.
Oh, he's probably bummed about another failed relationship.
Yeah, he broke it off with Vice Principal Lauren, which is really cause for a celebration.
Well, we should probably be sensitive about it and not say, you know, another failed relationship.
'Cause he's probably not handling it well, so [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
- Hi! - Hey! Hey, Gretchen.
Is your dad coming? Oh, he wanted to make an entrance.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
♪ Houston, we have a problem.
♪ Your boy is going to space.
Oh, he's not handling it well.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ Connor, what is going on? You know, you spend enough time on this big blue marble of ours and you want to see things from another perspective.
By marble, I meant Earth.
- Oh, my God.
- Connor, this is crazy.
What, just because I'm wearing a space diaper, this is crazy? You're wearing a diaper? I gotta get used to it.
Hey, you guys should be excited for me.
This was a hard thing to get.
Mark Cuban hooked it up.
Was it like, Blue Origin or SpaceX? Not, it's a start-up called "Rockets-4-U".
Spelled with the number "4" and the letter "U".
You're going on the maiden voyage of a rocket start-up? Of course not.
It's their second flight.
What happened on their first one? Oh, they're very cagey about that.
Connor, this is so dangerous, and such a waste of money.
Not to mention the environmental impact.
I mean, what kind of world are you leaving for baby Zephyr? Zephyr? Yeah, it was just a name that I was trying out.
What do you think? Oh, um, I think we should just hold off on baby names until I'm pregnant.
Oh.
- It's a little early.
- Yeah, right, okay.
- Awkward.
- You're wearing a diaper.
Well, that's the price you gotta pay to escape the bond of gravity and touch the face of God.
Come on, you know nothing about space.
I'm the one who went to Space Camp.
I still use the backpack.
I bet you can't even name all the planets.
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.
- Damn it.
- Yeah.
Looked it up on the way over here 'cause I knew you were going to ask.
Look, guys, I'm going to space.
But first, I'm going to the bathroom because this diaper's chafing.
Can you help me up? [GRUNTS.]
He's so desperate to escape his problems that he is literally leaving Earth.
It's an identity crisis.
Tom, you know what this calls for? A roof sit.
Oh, good idea.
This one of those weird Sacramento things? Yeah, when we were kids and something was bothering us, we would crawl out of a second story window onto the roof to hash it out.
Yeah, like when Mom and Dad wouldn't let Sarah go to Lilith Fair.
Or when Tom got a haircut that made him look like Julie Andrews.
The roof was a place we could blow off steam, vent, shoot the breeze, vibe check get real.
It sounds entirely unsafe.
Meh, we almost never fell off.
I think a roof sit is what Connor needs.
You should get him up there.
You know what, you're right.
I'm on it.
You stay out there as long as you need, okay? See? Marina gets the roof sit.
No, it's a dumb idea.
I need your help with a secret project.
♪ [SIGHS.]
So, Tom, why the roof sit? Is it 'cause your kids don't respect you? What? No.
Dead-end career? No.
- Sexual problems? - What? No! The roof sit is for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
For me? Why would I need a roof sit? I'm about to be an astronaut.
Yeah, I'm about to have a book come out.
But space? I mean, come on, man.
Seriously? Clearly, something else is going on here.
- No.
- What are you trying to escape? - What are you running away from? - Nothin'.
- Connor.
- Nothing.
- Connor.
- Nothing.
- Connor.
- Nothing! - Connor! - Nothing! - Connor - Okay, fine! [SIGHS.]
I don't know, I guess just, every relationship I've been in this year has failed, even one that was just hot, wild, meaningless sex.
I messed that one up, too.
- You know what I mean? - Oh, yeah.
No, I [SCOFFS.]
I know what you mean.
Work's just not giving me the high that it used to, which is crazy because I'm I'm absolutely crushing it right now.
Like, I'm making so much money.
You would see a check and you'd be like - Like, a lot for the year.
- So back - Back to the space thing.
- Right.
But it's just like, if I'm not going to find meaning through love or money, then Wait, you think you're gonna find it up there? One small step, Tom.
One giant leap.
Yeah, I'm familiar with the quote.
Lance Armstrong.
Neil Armstrong never mind.
Look, you have so much incredible stuff that gives your life meaning right here on Earth.
You have an amazing daughter.
You have an insane house that was briefly owned by Matt Damon.
Where did Matt Damon find meaning? - Boston? - Mars.
- Right.
- "The Martian.
" So maybe I, too, can find meaning amongst the stars.
Much like Damon.
McConaughey, Gosling A lot of people have played astronauts.
- Clooney, Gyllenhaal.
- Yeah.
Hell, I'm sure Fassbender spent some time up there.
Okay, coast is clear.
[TABLE SCRAPING.]
Oh, this is a beautiful desk, Marina.
I got it at a yard sale and I refinished it at night in the garage.
Ooh, where's it going? So, you know how we discovered there's an attic space up there? Full of bats.
Can't forget.
I have been fixing it up into a writing space.
So Tom doesn't have to work in the twins' room? That is so amazing.
So you want us to move this up there? With the three of us, it'll be easy peasy.
This looks neither easy nor peasy.
All I'm saying, man, is there's a healthy way to deal with what you're going through and an unhealthy way.
And it feels to me like a rocket ride might be an unhealthy way.
Because of all the cosmic rays? - [PHONE RINGS.]
- No, that's not what I meant.
Hang on.
This is my agent, I gotta take this.
Hi, Amanda.
Yes, I am sitting down.
That's normally what you say when you have bad news, right? This about the cover? I asked for too many fonts, didn't I? Sorry, oh.
Oh.
What's she saying? But the book's coming out, right? Mary signed my deal.
What's that mean, tied up in bankruptcy? It's a legal protection from creditors that allows you Okay, yeah, no.
Call me back later.
What just happened? The publisher is going under.
"Home Economics" is now an asset of a bankrupt company.
She said it might not come out for years.
Might not come out at all.
You okay? Sounds like you could really use a roof sit.
It was a joke 'cause we're already on the roof.
- [ALL GROANING.]
- Almost there! Not almost there! I thought you measured it? I eyeballed it, sorry.
As an extra thank you, you can have one of the kid's cribs.
- We're actually gonna co-sleep.
- What? You want the baby to sleep with us, with my apnea and your dream slapping? Channel that energy and give it one good shove.
How are we so not on the same page about this stuff? I mean, we have a lot to talk about.
- Yeah, you think? - And shove! [ALL GROAN.]
[GRUNTS.]
I think it's stuck.
That means I'm stuck too.
- [GROANING.]
- Are you even pushing? Yes! As hard as you were pushing the name "Zephyr.
" I was not pushing that name.
But, you know, as long as we're saying crazy things, why stop at sleeping with the baby, huh? Why not throw Kelvin and Shamiah in there? Just pack them in like a Willy Wonka bed.
There have been studies! [PHONE VIBRATING.]
Oh, it's my doctor.
- You're on your own.
- Huh? Hello? Hey, Dr.
Tenaga.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh.
You know what? This is what happens when you get your hopes up, you know? When you allow yourself to have a glimmer, just just the tiniest glimmer of hope.
Hey, Tom, if agreeing will make you calm down and get off the roof, sure.
I get it, universe! I get it.
This is what Tom Hayworth deserves, right? A big, fat, nothing.
So, you know, message received.
What about all the roof sit wisdom you were just dropping on me? That was for you, not me! Okay, but it applies to you even more than it applies to me! You have a great wife.
Yeah, who I'm constantly letting down.
- Awesome kids.
- Are they? - A nice house? - This place? This place is an overpriced money pit, which I never should have bought [YELLS.]
Are you okay? [STAMMERS.]
I'm stuck.
You're stuck? Loud and clear, universe.
Loud and clear.
Tom? Marina, what are you even doing in the attic? Uh, I'm setting traps.
Remember how they told us we had bats and and rats? Yeah, okay, dude.
You gotta get me out of here right now.
- Okay, I'm on it.
- One, two, three.
- [GRUNTS, YELLS.]
- Oh! Come on! You're gonna tear me in half, man.
Come on, I'm not gonna tear you in half.
- That's like our last resort.
- What ah! - [GRUNTS.]
- Whoa, Marina! Come on, guys, we're going up, not down.
- Oh! - Ah.
[BOTH PANTING.]
All right, I'm calling the fire department.
Ow.
Never thought I'd ask you this, but, can't you make yourself any thinner? [GENTLE MUSIC.]
♪ Do you want some tea? All our petty little arguments about baby names and clothes, and my dumb uterus can't even carry a baby.
- Stupid body.
- Hey.
That's my wife's body you're talking about.
I know.
It just sort of let me down.
But they did say my eggs were plentiful.
So that's great.
I'm so sorry, Lulu.
[SIGHS.]
Tell me, what can I What can I do right now? Can we just be sad for a minute? Yeah, let's just be sad.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Come here, babe.
♪ [SNIFFLES.]
So the fire truck's on the way? We were having a classic roof sit 'cause I'm going to space pretty soon, and I know, it's crazy, right? Mark Cuban hooked it up.
Yeah, yeah, "Shark Tank.
" I play poker with him, so Oh, no, I'm sure it's a great idea, but I wouldn't feel comfortable telling Oh, wow.
So the is the The whole shirt is a napkin, or is it just the sleeves? So there's a very real chance that the book might never even come out.
Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I know.
I really poured my heart in this one, I thought I had something.
Whether it gets published or not, it's still a great book.
Your best work.
Yeah, but this was gonna be the one that changed things for us, you know? Now I'm just stuck.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm stuck.
Yeah, I'm stuck too.
What? I said we'll figure it out.
We always do.
I still have my job.
Yeah, a job that you hate, that you only took so that I could write.
I gotta I can't keep doing this to myself.
Like one step forward, three steps back.
We are trying so hard, Marina.
You and I are trying so hard, all the time, and it's like we're not even treading water, right? We're we're drowning.
♪ Okay.
I'm done.
What did you say? I think it's time that I quit writing.
Hey, don't be crazy.
You are a writer.
No, it's okay.
I was a writer.
Now it's time to be something else.
♪ We're gonna be okay.
We already have two wonderful kids, and our life is good.
And we don't need to complicate it with little Zephyr.
Okay.
Which name did you want, hm? Well, I never really thought about it.
Mm.
I did have a list on my phone.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, um save the list, because I'm thinking, what if I do it? Do what? What if I carry the baby? You know, I figured we could use your eggs, and then I would carry it, and then the baby would truly be both of ours, which is what we talked about.
You would do that for me? No.
I would do it for us.
- Okay.
- Okay? [BOTH LAUGH AND CRY.]
I love you.
[BOTH SNIFFLING.]
I get that this is a huge disappointment, but that doesn't mean you stop writing.
They say you should never make a big life decision while you're stuck in a roof.
No, you know, my mind's made up.
I'm gonna start teaching full-time.
It's not a bad life.
Sure, but would that make you happy? I guess, yeah.
I mean, I get one of those jackets with the elbow patches.
Those are cool.
I feel like this is a conversation I shouldn't be having with your butt.
Oh, God, I wish I was down there with you.
Me too.
[CRACKING.]
Was that your ribs? No, it's the roof.
No, I think everything's oka - [SCREAMS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Oh! Tom? [GASPS.]
Are you okay? Did you die? Are you dead? Whoa.
Wait, what is this? Oh, well, it's not exactly how I wanted to show you, but Is this a writing space? I refurbished this old desk and I wanted to put it there until it got stuck - Till we got stuck.
- Marina, Marina.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is amazing.
Since we found the bats here, I thought you could call it your Batcave.
And Connor claimed Iron Man.
Well, I was Iron Man too.
- Well - You were both Iron Man.
No, I was Iron Man.
This is unbelievable.
I just I can't believe that you did all this for me.
I guess if you don't want to write up here, we could turn it back over to the bats.
You know what? "Home Economics" might never come out, but I think with a space like this, I could write something else You know, something better.
Hey, I believe in you.
I believe in us.
We're a family and we're gonna get through this together as a family.
♪ [INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER.]
[TABLE CREAKS, THUDS.]
Oh, wow, he did it! I'm pretty sure I loosened it up for him.
Everyone all right up here? Oh, it's Malcolm! Hey, Malcolm.
- You two know each other? - Oh, he's He's the one who helped us get rid of the bats.
He found this whole space.
Well, it looks pretty good now.
- Cozy.
- Thanks.
I did it myself.
Reclaimed cedar with a pigmented shellac primer? You know your furniture.
Well, you got me on those home improvement shows.
- Really? - Okay.
Do you do this for a living? Oh, no.
It's it's just a hobby.
Well, you could.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, I wish.
Do you really wish that? Well, you know how I love crafting and design.
And for something I had to do secretly at night instead of sleeping, the hours just flew by.
Well, hey, maybe you finally found your salsa.
Huh.
I take it that's like an inside joke? It's a reference to when I danced salsa with my housekeeper.
What are you still doing up there? Um, ladder fell, so I live up here now.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you eating? Yeah, gotta keep protein bars in your pocket.
Astronaut 101.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
♪ "Chapter one.
"Jameson Portsmouth was the wealthiest tailor in Nova Scotia.
" No, that's that's terrible.
"Jameson Portsmouth was the most neurotic blacksmith "in all of Des Moines "Or Joanna Portsmouth belonged to an ancient society of polyamorous librarians.
" [PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, Amanda.
No, no, I'm actually I'm working on a new book.
It's starting off pretty good.
Oh.
Yes, I'm sitting down.
Marina! Marina! The book the book, it Where the hell are you? - [TAPPING ON GLASS.]
- Out here.
Oh.
Deep breaths.
- The book's coming out.
- What? Yeah, it's crazy.
Amanda just called me.
Some Dutch media firm bought the publisher out of bankruptcy or something? I don't even understand, but the point is [PANTING.]
The book is coming out! They're back in business.
- So are we! - Again? - Yeah! - [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- Whoops.
You know what? I don't care.
I can buy yet another hoodie.
- We can afford it! - Oh, yes! [LAUGHS.]
Okay! Yeah.
Yeah! To Sarah, and Denise, and their amazing baby plan.
And to Tom, publishing his book.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- Oh, well, I always knew the universe was looking out for me.
You guys want some pizza? - Yes, please.
- Yeah.
I'll help.
I want the biggest piece.
It's me.
I'm the universe.
What? The Dutch firm that bought the publishing company out of bankruptcy? It was me.
You're a Dutch media firm? Eh, it's one of my shell companies.
I used the money I was gonna spend on that space trip.
Connor, that's That's actually amazing.
Yeah, well, the whole thing on the roof made me realize what it is that gives me meaning.
And it's this.
- Helping my family.
- Aw.
Wait, so you own the publishing company? 51 percent.
Which means you're in charge of Tom's book.
So you're like, his boss? Yeah, I guess so.
Hadn't thought of it like that.
- Guess I'm Tom's boss now.
- Oh, no.
[MYSTICAL MUSIC.]
Captain's log.
Still no signs of life.
Man, I thought I was gonna be the captain.
No, you're the payload commander.
What the hell is the payload commander? You command the payload.
I don't know.
Wait, do you hear that? - [THUMPING SOUNDS.]
- Is that alien scum? - Oh, no.
- Let's go ♪ - [KIDS GRUNTING.]
- We're under attack! Oh! Ugh, my suit breathes.
- Get 'em! - Kill the earthlings.
They'll sleep well tonight.
Game over, man! Game over! Ciara's in the house ♪ Misdemeanor's in the house ♪ Fatman Scoop-man, Scoop-man Scoop ♪ I got a cute face, chubby waist ♪ Thick legs, in ♪