Hot In Cleveland s02e22 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Your hair! Your hair! What is all this? What happened? Who are all these people? Where is Melanie? Help! Melanie! Help.
Your hair! We've already screamed about the hair.
Are you okay? How can I be okay? I'm "duck-taped" to a wall! It's duct-taped, with a "t.
" And I know this because I played a plucky plumber's wife in the lifetime original movie Seriously? Now? How did all this happen? Who's that? The stripper's here.
Yea! Afternoon, ma'am.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Uh, look, your car is parked too far from the curb.
I'm gonna let you off with a warning, but All right, enough with the patter.
Come on in and show me what you got.
Excuse me? Look, I have 20 women coming here expecting to see a g-man in a g-string.
Doesn't look like you're packing much heat.
Stripper's here.
We're gonna go grate some cheese on his abs.
I'll just take that ticket now.
Well, seeing that you're a local celebrity Local? I've seen you on the news.
Anyway, make sure you move that car.
And by the way, these pants are deceiving.
I'm packing plenty.
Where's the stripper? Oh, it wasn't a stripper.
It was a real cop.
And he let me off with a warning because I'm a "local" celebrity.
- Well, that's nice.
- No, it's not.
I'm a national celebrity.
I mean, it's one thing to own Cleveland, but to be Cleveland's own Dear God, I need a drink.
Wait, wait, wait.
As maid of honor, it's my responsibility to make sure that no one has a hangover at Elka's wedding tomorrow.
It's a bachelorette party.
We're supposed to drink heavily.
I know because I've been a bridesmaid so many, many times.
We can drink, but I read on the Internet if you take lots of aspirin and drink water, you won't get a hangover.
You know, you can't believe everything you read online.
It also said you need to coat your stomach with carbs.
Ah, on the other hand, the Internet is a kind of folk wisdom.
And we don't want to ruin Elka's big day.
No.
And that's the last thing I remember.
Me too.
Okay, so basically, the only thing we know for sure is that hairy-bellied young men enjoyed themselves.
But I need some more of that aspirin.
Oh.
Melanie This isn't aspirin.
It's the dog's worm medicine.
What? You dosed us with dog drugs? Well, not on purpose! It looks just like the aspirin bottle.
"If ingested by humans, "could result in extreme erratic behavior, anxiety, delusions, depression" "And sudden weight loss.
" - Oh! - Oh, really? I could lose a pound or two.
I'm sure whatever weight we lost was offset by the gallons of champagne we drank.
And maple syrup? Maple syrup! I just remembered something.
I kissed a man that smelled like maple syrup.
But which one was it? Jagermeister.
Goldschlager.
Oof.
A general Matthew McConaughey kind of funk.
Wait! No, I-I remember maple syrup guy.
No, he, uh, he had a mustache and a-a funny accent, and I kissed him after you.
Damn! Even during confusing animal medicine blackouts, I can't keep a man.
Guys, we can figure out what we did later.
Right now we have to get all these people out of here and get ready for Elka's wedding.
I'm a terrible maid of honor.
Oh, God.
I've just noticed I'm I'm wearing a wedding ring.
Did I get married last night? We don't know.
We don't know what we did last night.
It must have been the funny-accented man with the maple syrup mustache.
Not the most promising profile, but at least he's mine.
Not so fast.
Apparently, I got married too.
Come on, go on.
Yeah, get outta here.
Right, yeah.
Why are you giving them gift bags? Well, I'm still the hostess.
Mascara? Don't you have something for guys? You weren't even supposed to be here.
Anyway, it's L'oreal million lashes.
You should just give it to your girlfriend.
Oh, cool, then.
Here.
Why me? Dude, we totally made out last night for, like, three hours.
Check my Facebook page.
Thanks.
Ladies, uh, we have a little problem.
I can't find Elka.
She's not in her cottage, she missed her hairdresser's appointment, and she's not answering her cell.
She's getting married in three hours.
Oh, m This is a disaster! All right, let's not go to full-out panic just yet.
I'm sure she's with Fred.
Oh, no, it's Fred.
Uh, look, you're not supposed to see the bride.
Unless, of course, Elka called or emailed you and asked you to come over.
Did she do that? No, I haven't talked to Elka since she was getting ready to come to your party.
- Ah.
- Ooh! Some party! My bachelor party got a little wild too.
Caffeinated sodas after 10:00.
Still feeling it.
It's a great story, Fred.
Well, nice to see you.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
I need you guys to find my lucky shorts.
I left them in Elka's bedroom.
What's so lucky about them? Well, the fact that they're in Elka's bedroom Would have Okay, we will find them, and we will get them to you.
Black boxer briefs.
Uh, low-rise.
Mesh side panels.
You paint a vivid picture.
Oh, and when you talk to Elka, will you please tell her that every hour we're apart, my heart becomes a little smaller.
And it's not good for my heart, so tell her to call me already.
Can we full-on panic now? It doesn't make any sense.
There's no sign of her anywhere? Sign! Elka was looking for a sign.
We talked about it last night.
I remember being very interesting and witty.
Wazzuuuuuuup? You're loaded, that's wazzuuuuuuup.
But I'm not gonna get a hangover because I took lots and lots of aspirin.
What are you doing out here? Weren't you having fun at your party? I was, but it's almost midnight, and I haven't gotten my sign yet.
Your sign? From my late husband, Bobby.
So I'll know if he's okay with my marrying Fred.
An owl.
Was that the sign? It might be.
Bobby always liked those potato chips with the owl on them.
I Love Potato chips.
Oh, I've gotta get a closer look at that owl.
I know.
I'll climb up and ask him if it's okay if you get married.
No, you're too drunk.
No, I'm just drunk enough.
Mr.
Owl Wazzuuuuuuuup! Oh, God, I feel so vibrant and alive and energized and alive! And did I say alive? I meant to say it twice because that's how alive I feel.
I feel weird.
Maybe we should stop drinking.
No, that's quitter talk.
You need to be strong in the face of your emotions because I've noticed your emotions can sense your moods, and then when you're sad, they're happy because they want And can you believe Elka is getting married before I am? Llllocal celebrity.
Ah, that's how it starts.
Or should I say finishes? She's been married before.
Melanie's been married before.
You've been married like a million times.
It can't be that hard.
I'm gonna get married tonight.
I know, I'll lower my standards.
But how is that even possible? The four stages of an actor's life.
"Get me Victoria Chase.
"No, get me a Victoria Chase type.
"No, get me a young Victoria Chase.
Who's Victoria Chase?" I'm so glad we're having this conversation because I feel we're connecting on a deeper level.
God, I feel so alive! How's the owl look? Scary, like wolf blitzer.
Owl, is it okay if Elka gets married? What's he doing? Staring at a gray squirrel that looks like Anderson Cooper.
Oh, wolf blitzer is carrying him away.
I'll save you, Anderson! Whoa yaaaah! I'm okay.
I think that squirrel bit my ankle.
Or maybe it was one of the frat boys.
Either way, I'm gonna need a tetanus shot.
Frat house.
I remember.
Elka was looking for her sign from her husband, so she wanted to go to all the places where they had memories.
That's right.
We went to their first apartment, which is now part of a college dorm.
Which explains the frat boys all over the furniture this morning and why someone wrote Kappa Sig on my back.
The mugs.
The mugs? Who are you, Edward G.
Robinson? The mugs over the bar.
We went there last night, remember? Because that's where Elka's husband proposed.
He surprised her by arranging the mugs to spell "marry me.
" And what did they spell last night? Oh, I hope Elka didn't see that.
Oh, hey, you're back.
Oh, thank God you remember us.
We're desperate to find our friend Elka.
Was she here with us last night? Yeah, she got upset and left after she saw these mugs.
Why do they say "don't do it"? It was for the purity pledge dinner.
You guys stayed and took the oath.
We did? Not you.
You won a wet t-shirt contest.
I entered a wet t-shirt contest? You started it.
You came in wearing a wet shirt and challenged everybody.
I believe your exact words were, "nobody can beat these.
" Holy Oh! I remember how I got wet.
We were in church.
- Was it my wedding? - Or mine? No, it's the church that Elka and Fred are gonna get married at.
She was still looking for her sign.
God didn't get married either, did he? I mean, there was no Mrs.
God.
Would she be Mrs.
God? Not if she kept her maiden name.
But why would she do that? Mrs.
God! It would be so easy to get reservations.
God was alone.
I feel his pain.
That's why we're both so vengeful.
I'm gonna marry the next guy that'll have me.
What guy wouldn't have you? What guy hasn't had you? Can we get back to my sign? Bobby, please.
Give me something.
I know what we can do.
You can open the Bible, close your eyes, and then put your finger on a passage and see what it says.
Oh, like God's magic 8 ball.
Signs point to yes.
Outlook cloudy.
You're going on a long trip.
Agh! That's a fortune cookie.
I can't look.
I shall do the reading of the word.
Uh, "those who marry will face many troubles in this life.
" Oh, no.
Uh, how 'bout best twoeth out of threeth? "The Lord has prepared his people for a great slaughter.
" And, uh, may the oldest and most bedazzled amongst you nay, sweateth not, but just go for it.
You made that up.
You just blasphemed.
Blas Blaspheme bla You did a bad thing.
What are you eating? Oh, I found these crackers with these cute little ts on them.
Those are crosses.
You're eating the communion wafers.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna go straight to he Help.
So high on dog medicine, I ate a box of communion wafers and won a wet t-shirt contest drenched in holy water.
How many sins is that? Well Well, at least the wafers hadn't been blessed yet.
How do you know that? Don't you remember on Edge of Tomorrow, when honor St.
Raven became a nun and took a vow of silence? You know, I did all my acting with my eyes.
Hey.
Weird question.
Did you take my iguana? The iguana's at our house.
We'll bring it back after the wedding.
If there is a wedding.
Pancakes.
The thing about pancakes is they're also called hotcakes and sometimes Johnny cakes, and yet all of these cakes, none of them has frosting, which, by the way, they ought to sell in single servings.
Single-serving frosting! That's a million-dollar idea! We need to become man-traps.
I have an announcement to make.
I am gonna get fat.
I don't know, it seems that people like their local celebrities jolly.
And also, these things are awesome.
I mean, how come I haven't eaten one in, like, 20 years? Oh, uh, barkeep? We need some more maple syrup, please.
Sorry, you drank the last bottle.
Everything is ruined.
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria.
Syrup is the frosting of pancakes.
Which is why we need to get more.
What are we gonna do? Go to Canada? Yes! That's exactly what we should do.
Canada is the crazy thing we need to shake up our attitudes towards pancakes and men and love.
Let's go! She's a genius.
You guys flew to Canada? We did.
We talked our way onto a charter jet full of big-haired women.
It was the road company of hairspray.
So maybe our husbands are in musical theater.
Our husbands are gay? Well, it isn't so bad.
I mean, there's problems in the bedroom, but the rest of the house is spectacular.
Listen, I'm glad you guys are starting to remember stuff, but we really need to find Elka.
- You're right.
- Of course.
She's probably out looking for her sign, but where? We've covered the places she and her husband were together.
What about the last place they were together? It doesn't have to be lightning, or a miracle, like the browns winning.
I just need something.
Elka? Fred! What are you doing here? I came to visit my wife's grave.
I wanted to make sure that she was okay with us.
I was looking for A sign.
Me, too.
And I think it just arrived.
- Aw.
Now we don't have to feel guilty anymore.
Except that I'm literally dancing on my husband's grave.
Oh, my God.
Are you remembering what I'm remembering? Therefore, by the power vested in me by the province of Ontario, I now pronounce you We're married.
Why, don't be snarky.
If we're gonna be married, we can't be snarky.
We're not going to be married, we are married.
Be a good wife, and zip it.
You be a good wife.
It'll break your streak.
Oh! Stop! Elka, don't marry him! Marry me! I've been in love with you since you walked into the senior center and bent over to close my velcro sneaker.
Now I want us to be fastened together, too.
No, Elka, marry me! Sit down, Lester.
Oh, Ernie, you sit down.
Elka, if you move in with me, together we can walk to shopping without ever having to cross one single intersection! Both of you, stop embarrassing my number one lady! Elka, marry me.
You can all stop.
Please! The only man I'm here to marry is right down there.
Elka, don't do it! Max? If you're gonna marry anybody, marry me.
I should've never let you go.
She's not gonna marry any of you losers.
She's already married to me.
How about that? Elka, who is that? My dead husband.
That's right.
I'm back.