In Living Color (1990) s02e22 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody here is equally kind Everybody here is equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
[Applause Continues.]
Thank you.
See.
.
.
That's what happens when you bring your family to the show.
So that's my trick.
Just load 'em up with Wayans, I get the applause of life.
Uh, welcome to another edition of the show.
You know, we poke fun at a lot of groups here on In Living Color.
We always get letters, people wondering, " How do you decide which groups you're gonna make fun of?" So what I decided to do is show you what the process is.
With the help of the Fly Girls, we'll show you how we pick.
Come on, ladies.
Help me out.
Bring in our wheel.
See, by spinning our little comedy wheel of race right here.
.
.
it lets us see who we'regonna make fun of each week.
So, Dee,let's give it a spin, huh? You know,it's pretty unbelievable.
This seems to come up every week.
Anyway.
.
.
[Laughs.]
Let's get on with the show.
Kick it! You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon [Man.]
And now another episodeofThe Head Detective.
All right.
All right.
Shh.
Wait.
All right.
Look.
Remember, we're supposed to be undercover.
Here.
Sit right there.
I'm gonna put your disguise on.
Wouldn't want anybody to recognize you.
It could blow the whole operation.
Ahem.
Barkeep, let me have a scotch and soda.
.
.
shaken, not stirred.
Comin' right up.
Oh! [Wolf Whistles.]
Hey, partner, check out the chick.
Whew.
Put me on the groundfor a second, will ya? Go easy on her, Head.
[Grunts.]
[Head.]
Say, luscious,can I buy you a drink? - Who said that? - Uh, down here.
Hi, angel.
You know, it's moments like this when bein' short has its advantages.
- [Laughs.]
- Bug off, Head.
I don't date cops.
And let me tell you something.
Don't you ever, ever, ever.
.
.
Iook up a lady's dress again unless she asks you to.
Understand? She wants me.
All right.
Forget about her.
Remember, we're on a case.
Come on.
Let's go check out that bowling alley.
- Leave a little crack so I can breathe.
- Will you shut up! Damn! That's the fourth split tonight! Hey, that's the way the ball bounces.
[Muffled Muttering.]
Hey, hey! That's my partner you're bowling with! Head! I think I know why you're getting so many splits.
These pins are loaded with cocaine.
Hey.
! Hey, get that guy.
! [Yelps.]
Don't anybody follow me, or I swear I'll put her away.
[Woman Screams.]
Stop it! I think I better go for backup, Head.
He's gettin' too far away.
They're goin' for the roof.
No.
Remember when we played high school football? The big game? Fourth quarter? Last play? Little Nuggets down by two? Head, you're not sayin' what I think you're sayin'.
Kick me at him.
- Head! - Just do it, damn it! Hey, Head.
I think you forgot to put your shorts on, man.
I knew I felt a draft.
[Screaming.]
- Freeze, maggot! - All right, Head.
- Just don't hit me.
- Shut up! Whoo-hoo-hoo! All right, Head! [Man.]
This has been another episodeofThe Head Detective.
[Man.]
And now, The Adventures of Handi-Man! Handi-Man.
Always saving the day.
Always helping the handicapped.
How I hate the handicapped! Those phy.
.
.
phy.
.
.
physically challenged.
Well, I shall challenge them all.
I, Dr.
Naughty.
.
.
shall destroy Handi-Man and his entire disabled army.
.
.
with my newest invention.
.
.
the handi-droid.
[Sinister Laughing.]
Stand up, my pet.
Yes, master.
Let's test your strength.
Excellent.
Excellent! You are ready.
Now, what are you going to do? Ruin Handi-Man.
Good.
Good.
And how are you going to do it? Wreak havoc on the city.
[Laughing.]
Yes.
Yes! Now, go! Go.
[Laughing Continues.]
Hiya, Handi-Man.
Checkin' out the vault? Lots of dimes in there, thanks to you.
I've come to make a withdrawal.
Oh, you can't go.
.
.
Wait.
You can't go in there.
[Gunshots.]
Not now, Jim! Excuse me.
- Here's your mail, Mrs.
Dane.
- Thank you, Mr.
Bent.
- Please, call me Clark.
- All right.
Say, Lois, you think maybe you and I could go out to dinner tonight? Oh, I'd love to, Clark, but I can't tonight.
Perhaps you haven't heard.
Handi-Man's turned to a life of crime.
- I've got to go.
- What about a cup of water by the cooler? Well, this can only be the work of the evil Dr.
Naughty.
Looks like a job for Handi-Man.
[Clattering.]
Up, up and away! $173,999.
10.
- $173,999.
20.
.
.
- Okay, Dr.
Naughty.
The gig is up.
Why are you trying to destroy my name? A long time ago, I got a ticket for parking in a handicapped zone.
I have committed my life to destroying the phy.
.
.
phy.
.
.
physically challenged.
Well, now it's time someone stopped you.
Handi-Man, let me introduce you.
.
.
to your death! - Seize him! - Yes, master.
Let's get busy.
Stick and jab.
Stick and jab.
[Both Grunting.]
[Groaning.]
You have ruined my creation! I'll get you, Handi-Man! Tell it to the judge.
Take him away, fellas.
- Okay, Handi-Man.
- It's great to have you back.
Yeah.
We thought you were gone for good.
Never underestimate the powers of the handicapped.
- [Both Officers.]
We won't.
- [Blows Raspberry.]
Up, up and away! - Oh, hi, Clark.
- Hi, Lois.
"Handi-Man Redeemed.
" What a great story.
Too bad you couldn't have been there.
- Well, I must've overslept.
- Handi-Man! Oh, I mean.
.
.
Clark.
Come to think of it.
.
.
why is it that whenever Handi-Man's around, you seem to disappear? Could it be that.
.
.
[Laughs.]
No.
[Man.]
The Adventures of Handi-Man! So in conclusion, before the ladies and gentlemen of the jury pass judgment.
.
.
consider this.
My client was sleepwalking.
Yes, sleepwalking.
The defense rests.
Is the prosecution ready to cross-examine? Who is the prosecutor in this case? Uh, Your Honor, that would be.
.
.
Arsenio-o-o-o.
.
.
Hall.
! [Cheering.]
[Funky Rock.]
- [Laughs.]
- Yeah! My bailiff.
Give it up.
Yes.
And these.
.
.
these are people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
- Give it up.
Yeah.
- [Whooping.]
They know they're dumb.
They know they're dumb.
Yeah.
Mr.
Hall, proceed with your prosecution.
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of things.
Did you see what I did to Vanilla Ice? That's what I do.
- I get to the bottom of things.
- [Cheering.]
Yes.
Yes.
Now, with no further ado, I'd like to bring on my first witness.
He's a very talented man.
He's assaulted 57 women.
.
.
and then showed an indifference for human life and property.
So please give a big round of applause to Mr.
Rooow-land Biggs! Give it up.
- [Funk.]
- Rowland.
! Have a seat, Rowland.
Give it up.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Let's get right into it, Rowland.
Now, your picture is up all over the post office.
You're on the F.
B.
I.
's Top Ten list.
.
.
two years in a row.
What the court would like to know is.
.
.
has celebrity life changed you? What? What was it like before all the fame? I was locked in the closet most of my life.
- I was abused as a child.
- [Laughs.]
One time, my mother held me underwater for about four and a half minutes.
- [Laughing Continues.]
- My father used to use me as an ashtray! Mr.
Hall, what do you find so amusing? Oh, nothing.
Just a little joke me and Whitney shared about Eddie Murphy.
Objection! What is this, Your Honor? Sustained.
Mr.
Hall! Now, I haven't read the deposition.
.
.
but my people tell me that you used exhibit "A".
.
.
to assault all 57 of your victims.
Will the jury please note, exhibit "A" is a heavy, blunt instrument.
Do you work out, man? 'Cause this ain't no sissy murder weapon.
There here is one bad mama jama.
Look like one of them brontosaurus ribs from The Flintstones.
Now, why did Fred always put the ribs in the back of the car.
.
.
when he knew it was gonna tip over? Wilma! Wilma! Your Honor, that is immaterial! Mr.
Hall, unless there is someone else you would like to call to the stand.
.
.
I suggest you wrap this up.
Very well, Your Honor.
Fair enough.
A surprise guest tonight: Mr.
Eddie Murphy! - Come on down, Eddie! - [Cheering.]
[Whooping.]
I fail to see how this relates.
Oh, it doesn't, Your Honor.
It's just that it's sweeps week, and it would be nice to have Eddie in the court.
Now, you know, me and Eddie are best friends.
.
.
and we made a pact before we got famous: Never let a woman come between us.
And you are one fine, bad mama jama.
- Mr.
Prosecutor.
.
.
- Oh, I'd pour barbecue sauce all over you.
.
.
- and work you like a rib.
- Mr.
Prosecutor! - Yes! - Make your closing statements before I find you in contempt.
Very well.
Will the jury please note.
.
.
she is fine.
Yes, if Eddie was here, he'd steal her for himself.
Yes.
[Giggles.]
Now, you've heard some very compelling arguments tonight on both sides of the issue.
"Compelling.
" That's a very big word.
I know a lot of brothers are sittin' there goin', "What's he talkin' about, man?" Anyway, a man's life hangs in the balance.
With that in mind, have you ever noticed how white people sit in a jury.
.
.
very attentive, sittin' there goin'.
.
.
"I wonder if he's guilty or innocent.
I wish they'd hurry.
I have a job to go to.
" Brothers be sittin' there goin', " Say, man.
"They payin' me $12.
85 plus gas.
I'm stayin' all day.
Maybe he is; maybe he ain't.
" They're not jokes, folks.
- Just a little somethin' to make you say "hmm.
" - [Audience.]
Hmm.
And on that, the prosecution rests.
This has been a totaltravesty ofjustice.
Oh, she is fine.
Let's not forget to give a big round of applause.
.
.
to the main man of the night himself.
I want you to give it up like you got a boiled egg and a glass of water in your stomach loud.
Mr.
Rowland Biggs.
Come on.
Give it up for Rowland.
- [Cheering.]
- Ah, Rowland! - [Cheering Continues.]
- Come back anytime, Rowland.
Has the jury reached a decision? Yes, we have, Your Honor.
And although we personally find Mr.
Biggs here.
.
.
guilty beyond any shadow of a doubt.
.
.
there was no evidence presented in this courtroom of that nature.
So therefore we, the jury, find the defendant not guilty.
[Cheering, Whooping.]
- [Whistling.]
- Rowland! But you just set free the second-most-wanted criminal in America! Strive to be number one, Rowland.
Yes! And on that, I want my man, the king of funk.
.
.
to take us home with some of that nasty, old left-over.
.
.
lint-in-your-belly-button, didn't-check-between-your-toes funk! Kick it! [Funk.]
Well, tonight we have a very special guest.
.
.
well, two very special guests.
.
.
that I'm really honored to have on the show.
Many things have been said about them.
.
.
but what I'd like to say is that they are the premiere group of rap.
.
.
that the boldness in their lyrics.
.
.
the level of consciousness that they have brought to their music.
.
.
has totally redefined the level of excellence of rap.
So with no further adieu, I'd like to bring to you.
.
.
Off the label DefJam Records.
.
.
here's Public Enemy and Ice Cube! [Hip-hop.]
Oh, yeah, in the house.
You know we got Ice Cube.
And you know that I'm down with the P.
E.
Hey, yo, Chuck, why don't you kick it to 'em one time, G.
No war for all.
I got a letter from the government the other day I opened and read it It said they was suckers They wanted me for the army or whatever Picture me giving a damn I said never - Terminator X - Come on, y'all.
Let's rock the house - From Terminator X in the valley of the cheap beats - Pump it up, y'all - Here we go - Yo, Chuck Ki-Kick, k-k-kick it I try to teach and reach I drop bombs with a little flow Rippin' 'em back when I say yo If you can't getDon't sit, get up As the world turns some sucker learns As one quits, another hit Ain't this a trip That's why I'm known as strong upon the microphone And then they try to hang me dry But then it's do or die when they don't give you a reason why They be sweatin', forgettin'they appointed us Damn disgusting They be tearin' up the joint If there wasn't music to use on a flex and go stylin' Terminator X buck wildin' That's right, y'all We're gonna fight the power 1991, no war for all Come on - Kick it - Come on, go - Everybody throw your arms in the air like this - Go, go, go, go - Everybody throw your arms in the air like this - Go, go, go, go Everybody say "oh" - Oh - Say "oh" - Oh - Say "oh, oh" - Oh, oh - Ohhh - Somebody say fight the power - Fight the power Power for now, get down Fight the power - Everybody say fight the power - Fight the power Power to the peopleSay damn - Fight the power Somebody say fight the power - Fight the power Power for now Fight the power - Everybody say fight the power - Fight the power Yeah, we got to fight the powers that be, yo - Elvis was a hero to most - What - Elvis was a hero to most - What Elvis was a hero to most But he never meant.
.
.
to me You see, straight-out racist the sucker was simple and plain Mother.
.
.
him and John Wayne 'Cause I'm black and I'm proud and hyped plus I'm amped Most of my heroes don't appear on no stamps Sample a look back You look and find nothin' But rednecks for 400 years if you check - Don't worry, be happy - Was our number-one jam Damn if I say it You can slap me right here - Get it - Let's get this party started right - Right on - Come on What we got to say Power to the people No delay Make everybody see In order to fight the powers that be - Hit me - Go, go, Flava - Come on, yo - Go, Flava [Yells.]
Go, Flava, go, Flava Go, Flava, go, Flava Yo, they're not gonna turn you down on this show Going, going, goneNow I dialed 911