Mad About You s02e22 Episode Script

Watch me.
Voilà.
How long did it take you to write this paper? Did you not sleep? - Have you seen my other shoe? - Just promise me I can sit next to you during the test.
I know.
Okay, I know.
Where in the bedroom? - The kitchen part of the bedroom.
- Like 8 or 8:30.
It's not a date.
I just want you to meet her.
Just do me one favor.
Wear that beige sweater.
You're gonna love her.
She's fun.
- Isn't Fran fun? - She's a carnival.
Where is my shoe? Is that the bedroom or the Upper East Side? - You're not shy, you're thoughtful.
- I am thoughtful, but I'm shoeless.
- Lf I were Nick, you'd help me.
- I gotta go, Nick.
I'll make a reservation for us.
I'll see you at 8:00.
Bye.
- Where should we go tonight? - Why are we going? - It'll be fun.
- But why am I going? Because you're my date.
- Why can't Nick be your date? - He's 25.
That's a turnoff, I forgot.
- I gotta go.
Bye.
- That's it? What is this? I thought we could have sex now, then we wouldn't have to do it later.
- How long were you talking to this guy? - He's 25! I'll do all the work.
Where was this big enthusiasm when I needed my shoe? - I was busy.
- Yeah.
Goodbye.
- I really gotta get to this meeting.
- What meeting? If I stop to explain it, it will take that much longer.
Don't dawdle on your way home.
Mommy will be waiting.
- Boy, did you just kill it! - No, not your mother.
Why do you want to film my guy? Isn't he the fastest short-order cook in the city? - Yes, he is.
- Well, there you go.
- I don't know.
- Everybody will see your restaurant.
- They'll see you.
- I don't want people to see me.
- Nobody watches a documentary.
- So why am I doing it? Maybe I didn't sell this properly.
You've been here how many years? - Twelve.
- Twelve.
And how many times has somebody come in here and offered to make a movie about your restaurant? - Never.
- There you go.
- Think about it, all right? - Have your people call me.
I am my people.
I will definitely What is this? A number 12.
He heard you say 12.
Man, he's fast.
Thank you.
- What are you doing here? - I'm a busboy.
I was gonna tell you that.
You're a busboy.
So how do I look? You look like a busboy.
What are you doing? You're a doctor! - Antonio! Clear 13.
- Yeah, okay.
- You're Antonio now? - And loving it.
Wow! Did I miss a meeting.
Weren't you in Alaska? Or Santa Fe? I was everywhere.
For the most glorious 12 months of my life.
I've done every job imaginable.
You know what I did in Wisconsin? - Something with cheese.
- Merchant marine.
Living on a barge, eating soup with my hands, and I loved it.
All my life, I've been so sheltered.
Now I've faced my fears.
- I'm a new man.
- Have you called your wife? Can't do that.
Don't you tell Fran that I'm back.
I won't do it, but you haven't spoken to her in, what, six months? - Ten.
- Ten.
The longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be.
No, these stay here.
I followed her a few times.
Once when you went to see Damn Yankees.
- Last week.
You followed us? - That "You Gotta Have Heart" number I stood.
You don't even stand.
Did Fran like the show? - Would you call her?! - Yes, I will.
I will.
Tuna melt.
Didn't you say 10? - Yeah.
- For you.
- Why are you mad? - You know why.
Please don't do that.
My mother does that.
Why are you mad? - You let me win.
- I didn't exactly let you win.
- Yeah, you did.
- I just wanted you to feel good.
Why wouldn't I feel good? Because I'm a 33-year-old single mom being set up with a college kid? Have a beer.
- I think you'll like this guy.
- That's not what I'm worried about.
- He's gonna love you.
- You think? - Definitely.
- What about me will he like, specifically? You're vulnerable right now, but guys like that.
What are you wearing? - Jeans.
This is what I'm wearing.
- Why are you wearing jeans? Because I'm having a good ass day.
- You really are.
- You're not just saying that? - Towels? - Right next to the sink.
Is this what you do when I leave? - Am I having a good ass day? - Yes.
Listen you will never guess who I ran into this afternoon.
You could start now, by the year Mark.
- Mark who? - Fran's Mark.
How could it be Fran's Mark? Nobody's seen him for over a year.
- Get serious.
- All right.
Who'd you run into? - Mark.
- No.
You saw Mark? I saw him, I talked to him.
You ready for this? He's working in a dive as a busboy.
Where are you going? - I'm gonna tell Fran.
- No, no! I promised I wouldn't say anything.
And I don't want to be here when she finds out.
Her husband's gone for a year, and I'm not gonna tell her? Please stay out of it.
How do I sit there all night through dinner and not tell her? Talk about any subject except "my husband just saw your husband.
" - I know I'll crack.
- You won't, you'll flirt with Nick.
He's 25! Then I figured, the hell with it.
I don't need another math course.
That's hilarious.
What a great story! That's a really good story.
- It's not such a good story.
- Can I get another drink? - Ursula? - Hi.
- Our waitress says hi.
- Tell her we need another round.
- No, we'll get it.
- Thank you.
- What? - What? Why are you looking at me like that? - You're very girlish.
- What, I'm being obnoxious? You're like a happy seal.
We should get a colorful ball.
- You could spin it on your nose.
- I'm flirting? It's that obvious? I'll give you $20 to go to a movie.
Tell you what, I'll help good-Iooking boy with the drinks.
- Put your money away, you're a student.
- My dad's loaded.
- I'll carry the drinks.
- Thanks.
You know what's funny? The little thing where you keep touching my wife? I don't like that.
When you carry a drink, you can't think about it or you'll spill it.
- You're so helpful.
- I'm here if you have questions.
Oh, God! - What? - Hello, Fran.
- Oh, God! - You didn't know I was back? - How would I know? - You guys didn't tell her? - You told me not to.
- You couldn't see through that? - Why didn't you tell me? - I didn't wanna ruin your date.
You're on a date? This is Nick.
He's in grad school with Jamie.
Great.
I'm Dr.
Devanow, Fran's husband.
I made 300 grand last year.
Nice work.
You all right? Yeah, I'm great.
You guys having fun? Good.
In Tupelo, Mississippi, for three weeks I ate nothing but okra.
I thought I sent you a post card.
You might have.
Back then I was still ripping them up.
- You're taking this very well.
- I really am.
You look great.
Doesn't she look fantastic? She certainly does.
- What am I watching? - This is not right.
- You look 10 years younger.
- I'm happy.
- And I'm happy for you.
Good for me! - I'm gonna get going.
No, sit down.
We'll split some calamari.
- Are they putting on a show? - This must be so hard for them.
When she slapped him, that's the last thing I understood.
- Then I was a railroad brakeman.
- For how long? Till I fell off.
- I got a post card from Virginia.
- West Virginia.
I was a coal miner.
In Abilene I manufactured beef jerky.
Then I auditioned at the clown school in Tallahassee.
Isn't that the Harvard of clown schools? Interview went great, walked right into a door.
- Sounds like fun.
- It was.
You guys are kidding, right? Maybe we should go and let you hash this out.
We're just catching up.
We're in a good place.
How can you be in a good place? I don't get it.
We've both grown.
I forgive him.
- You're not really dealing with this.
- No, I think we are.
Just so I know I'm on the same planet: - He walked out on you.
- I know.
No explanation? - It's who I was at the time.
- Maybe it was for the best.
- Why don't we leave you alone - No, no! No, there's nobody I'd rather be here with than the two of you.
- And Nick.
- Love Nick.
- You love your wife's date? - Please, Paul.
We're not children.
An hour ago, you slapped him in the face.
- It was an impulse.
- And I forgave her.
- Again, they're forgiving.
- Why not? What are you saying? There's no consequence to his action? Look.
Nobody's perfect.
You know, she slept with Ira.
Love Ira.
Come on, pick up.
Let's go! - He's definitely slower today.
- It's all the cameras, the lights.
- We'll shut off the lights.
- Can you just give him a few minutes? Go over there and sit down.
- And don't be looking at him! - No, I'm not looking.
- Let me clean this off.
- It's all right.
- Stop cleaning up, you're a doctor.
- Please, Paul! It's my job.
Why would somebody peel the label off the ketchup bottle? So senseless.
I just don't get it.
Would you stop saying that? Do you think I do? If he came back after three months, I would've taken him back.
If he came back after six months, I would've killed him.
He came back after a year, and I had dinner with him - Go figure.
- I just don't get it.
How does this work? When you get tired of this, where do you go next? Wherever life takes me.
No, seriously, I'm asking a question.
- How did you do this? - You want to know what I do? I open a road atlas.
Wherever my finger lands, that's where I go.
And do what? What do you do? Explore, meet people.
Have fun.
You know what it's like to just have fun? When I'm finished having fun, I open the map and point to another town.
Free.
Like my brother, the wind.
So, like, on a weekday you get up at, what, 7:00, 8:00? You can't imagine the exhilaration.
The freedom of living without responsibility.
Here, watch this.
- Hey! I quit.
- You can't quit.
Okay.
You get the gist.
- Nick said you wouldn't get it.
- So you talked to Nick? This morning he called me.
We went out for breakfast.
A breakfast date.
- We shared a muffin.
- I told you you two would hit it off.
- He kissed me.
- No! - Yes, he did.
- He did not! Do you remember what it's like when you wanna kiss someone you've never kissed before? And one of you moves closer, and you want it to happen but you're afraid it might not be as good as you imagined? And when it does happen, it's even better than you dreamed? No.
So she turns to me and says: "Next time you're in Albuquerque, you know where to reach me.
" - And she's how old? - Age doesn't matter.
- Just tell me.
- 23.
He doesn't know me, so everything I say is new.
He thinks I'm funny.
I forgot I was funny.
- Of course you're funny.
- I forgot.
- And this woman in Hawaii - Kaanapali or Haleakala? - The first place.
- Go ahead.
- So you're living with her on the beach? - Yep.
Two weeks on the beach, then you say, "That's enough," and you go? Yep.
- You leave her and that's okay? - Yep.
- She's not angry at you? - Nope.
See, I don't understand this.
- But you get the gist.
- I get the gist.
Is he a good kisser? He looks like he'd be an incredibly good kisser.
- Yeah.
And he has really young lips.
- He's 25.
The last time I went out with a - Doesn't he have great hands? - I love his hands.
Oh, God! There is this Cuban guy in my French class - Why's he taking French? - I don't know.
But he has the most beautiful hands, and his arms - I love arms! - They're, like, gorgeous.
What's his name? Forget it.
What? I won't introduce you to every guy at school.
- Why not? - Because you'd go out with them tell me what happens, and I'll live vicariously through you.
- Isn't that good? - It's really not.
In one year, he's done everything.
He lived in Alaska he hunted big animals, and he sang with Mormons.
You got a two-by-four in there.
He rode through Texas in a boxcar with 200 head of cattle.
Why would he rather be in a boxcar with cattle than with his wife? I don't know, but if there's a genuine reason, I wouldn't wanna know it.
Come over here, you phony.
And the thing that really upsets me is that he feels no guilt.
- That really upsets me.
- Why? Because you need guilt.
Without guilt, people would just go and do whatever makes them happy and I won't have that.
- So this will never happen to us? - No.
Impossible.
If you ever left me I'd follow you.
And, me, I don't like going anywhere.
- There, got it.
- I want to see it.
- That's where it started, you dopey.
- Where are you going? To get you a Band-Aid.
If you could do anything, like Mark, what would you do? - Anything anything? - Yeah.
Truly? I'd like to be a Good Humor man.
A Good Humor man? I love the vehicle.
The square truck, the thick doors, the bell - I love everything about that job.
- I'm serious.
If you had the chance to do what Mark did, you wouldn't take it? There's a cost, you know.
The way I see it, I got two choices.
I could have everything in the world, or I could have you.
- So I go with door number two.
- That's very sweet.
Yes.
You know why? I'm a very sweet guy.
What about you? Would you want Fran's life? She's dating young guys, she has all this freedom.
Would you want that? - Don't think about it a long time.
- No, no, no.
- Of course, no.
- I hear a little bit of "yes" in your "no.
" - I heard even more "yes" in your "no.
" - I didn't say no.
That's right.
You gave me that "I choose you" crap.
It's interesting how you attack me after I remove the splinter.
Doesn't it bother you that you will never again experience a first kiss? - Yeah, it bothers me a lot.
- Do you remember our first kiss? - At your office Christmas party.
- I knew I loved you with that kiss.
- Before or after? - During.
Yeah, during.
I was gonna say that.
I had "during" also.
See? Neither of us will ever experience a first kiss like that again.
- We can have it with each other.
- It's not the same.
I'm saying, yes it is.
Excuse me, hi.
What's your name? Jamie.
Jamie? You're very cute, Jamie.
Would you like to kiss me? - Yeah, when you're right, you're right.
- I'm telling you.
- Anywhere in the world? - Anywhere in the world.
- Seattle.
- Great.
- What do we do in Seattle? - I'd fish, you could sell umbrellas.
Try again.
Burma.
You gotta get shots.
No, 'cause I got family right near there.
- I've got family there.
- In Israel? You do not.
Don't assume.