M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e22 Episode Script

[Man Over P.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
Wounded arriving at helipad.
All hospital staff now on alert.
[Chattering.]
[Mclntyre.]
#I've got you under my skin # - #I've got you deep in the heart of me # - [Chattering Continues.]
# So deep in my heart you're really a part of me # # I've got you under my skin # - Clamp.
- Clamp.
- Suture.
- ##[Mclntyre Continues Singing.]
- Where's that sponge, nurse? Let's get this lamp straightened out.
Vite, vite! #This affair never will go so well # Okay, Pierce.
Anytime now.
# When darling, I know so well # - He gets a nickel deposit back on that.
- # I've got you # - # Under my skin # - You getting paid by the hour, Pierce? If I close him up before you remove those other fragments, we're gonna invalidate his warranty permanently.
- How's it going? - On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
#That comes in the night # Another subcu suture.
Come on, honey.
I'm on a hot streak.
- #And repeats and repeats in my ear # - Will you shut up? # Don't you know, little fool you never can win # - Everything okay, Trapper? - Just fine, Father.
Keep your fingers crossed.
# Use your mentality Wake up to reality # Having trouble tying the vessel off? I thought you finished that chapter last night.
- Uh-oh.
- Want some more butter for your fingers, Frank? Relax.
I'll retract the nerve.
You suture the muscle.
- Thanks.
- Can you see all right? Fine.
Very kind of you to help, Pierce.
Maybe we can go into partnership after the war.
I'll handle the surgery, and you do whatever it is you do.
# Under my skin ## - [Crickets Chirping.]
- I hate sunrise.
And those damn birds'll start singing in a minute.
Who are they to remind us of happiness? [Radar.]
You go back on again in an hour.
- [Pierce.]
Amazing.
- [Woman.]
The sunrise? The O.
R.
The amount of punishment the human body can take and still survive.
- The doctors or the patients? - Which are we? Hey, Radar, if you get me another cup of coffee, I'll kiss every bit of fat in your head.
- Sir? - Yeah, I'll take another cup.
- Lieutenant? - Yes, please.
- I'll write you a prescription.
[Pierce.]
That kid Frank and I operated on really took a beating.
[Mclntyre.]
Probably had something to do with the Korean War.
There's a lot of it here.
Not with those bruises.
You don't get bruises like that in combat.
- Looked like somebody used him for batting practice.
- We're all out.
[Mclntryre.]
I've gotta get back to pre-op.
I got a patient double-parked.
- Can I see you to your tent? - No, thanks.
- Can I see you to my tent? A neutral tent? - Uh-uh.
I keep a little tent on the edge of town.
I can call ahead and have my man delouse it.
Good thing I thrive on rejection.
Cute.
This wins you a ride home, you know.
- You oughta see the smile under here, Doc.
- His hemoglobin is 12.
6.
- That's up from last night.
- Continue penicillin and make sure he doesn't reenlist.
- Frank.
- Hmm? - Frank, you scheduled Ross for active duty? - Yes, sir.
Tomorrow, he'll have his cast off, and we'll have him out of traction.
I'm giving him a little rubber ball to squeeze.
Frank, who's it gonna hurt if he spends one week in Tokyo? I mean, you know, he could take his little rubber ball with him.
May I remind you, sir, we're fighting a war? Well, that certainly explains all the noise at night.
- This hospital is a vital cog in our fighting machine.
- Frank The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
That's why we can't allow any letdown in command or in the ranks.
Frank, you are the only man I know makes George Washington seem like a slacker.
- What's wrong, Frank? This man miss morning calisthenics? - Keep your two cents out of this.
Everything's under control.
We're having a consultation about medical needs.
Well, it's obvious.
Put him in a backpack and send him on a ten-mile crawl.
Burns, I'm ordering the private to be transferred to Tokyo for two weeks of R & R.
Well, I guess that puts me in my place.
Hey, Henry, if you start acting humane, you'll take the fun out of the war.
Why, he really fries my butt.
Ross, have a ball.
Wounded three times? You're quite a soldier, soldier.
- It's no trick getting hurt in a war.
- You're too modest.
It's a privilege.
I wish I were there to help all you wonderful guys fight the pink stain.
- Sir? - The major means Communism.
- It really makes me see red.
- Yes, sir.
So we mustn't waste our strength fighting amongst ourselves, must we? - I don't get you, sir.
- Your bruises.
You've been brawling.
- I'd have you reprimanded if you weren't such a good soldier.
- It's a free country, Frank.
- He's entitled to all the bruises he wants.
- Pierce, why is it we always turn up in the same place? It only happens when I go tourist.
- You're very good at this.
- I majored in tickling at medical school.
Oh, that's heaven.
- I'm glad you're not married.
- Who says I'm not? - Well, I don't see a ring on any of your toes.
- [Blowing.]
Oh, I should return the favor.
I like mine through the boot.
Mind if I watch? If it'll help.
You're doing a real good job.
- I'll do your toes if you like, Radar.
- Oh, no.
Thanks.
'Course, I charge extra for 12.
- All done, my dear.
- [Blowing.]
If they're free, I'd like to take your toes out to dinner.
- I've got a date with Trapper.
- Oh, really? Oh, well, I guess he must be all better then.
- Better? - Oh, never mind.
- Doc, you got a minute? - Anything wrong? I feel fine.
Matter of fact, I was wondering when I could get out, get back to my outfit.
You want out after the army went to the trouble of arranging all this mud and lice? You haven't even had dysentery yet.
It's all included in the same price.
- No kidding, Doc.
How soon? - What's your rush? The war'll still be there.
- Its option's been picked up.
- But there's no question that I will be back? We're running some tests.
We'll know in a day or two.
Even if the tests come back against me, could you still okay me for combat? You wanna go back? Keep talkin' like that, I'll give you a saliva test.
Listen, Doc.
I've watched you around the hospital.
- You care about people.
- Some of my best friends are people.
- You noticed my bruises, huh? - Very nice.
- Who's your exterior decorator? - Well, Doc, two guys got beat up in my outfit: One colored and one homosexual.
So you're a Negro? Who'd have guessed? We went out last week and got drunk on leave, and I talked more than I should have about something that happened a couple years ago.
And you wanna go back to that outfit? You're gonna get your Purple Heart all black and blue.
It's important to me that I finish my tour of duty, now more than ever.
Heads! Excuse me, Hawkeye.
- How's it goin', Father? - Protestants, seven, Catholics, three.
- But we'll get 'em.
- Go out for a long one.
- [Grunting.]
- You won't say anything about our talk? Only if you don't say anything about that throw.
[All Yelling.]
- [Mclntrye.]
Your move, killer.
- Nice flanking attack.
[Groans.]
Can you get tennis elbow from checkers? Your follow-through's all wrong.
How's this? [Exhales.]
Remember that patient in surgery this morning? Have to do better than that.
I stitched up enough soldiers this morning - to make a rug.
- [Glass Clunks.]
[Glasses Clunking.]
Am I winning or losing? You're winning, but, uh, then it's two against one.
Which patient? Crown me.
Weston.
The one with contusions.
- His buddies did it to him.
- What are buddies for? They hung a homosexual label on him, and each one gave him a knuckle sandwich.
Nice.
Kid's got a lot of guts, wants to go back to the line.
He, uh One was bigger than the other.
What's more, Hitler wouldn't ride in elevators, constantly washed his hands.
Whenever he went to the bathroom or conquered a country.
Know what they also say? I know that old trick.
When you talk about Hitler, you're really talking about me.
Au contraire.
When we talk about you, we're really talking about Hitler.
- Whose move is it? - Doesn't matter.
The board keeps moving.
Trust you two to pervert something as fine and wholesome as checkers.
- We already whitewashed the fence, Aunt Polly.
- Ha-ha.
Well, while you two smart alecks have been lollygagging around, I came across something about a certain person that's very, very interesting.
Your serve.
"Very interesting," Frank? - Very, very.
- Let us guess.
Is this person a well-stacked U.
S.
Army major nurse who's bigger than the bread box you're seeing on the side? No.
No! Then I give up.
There's one of those in camp.
- "One of those," Frank? - Which one of those "thoses" do you mean, Frank? One of those types that don't like girls.
Get it? Ohh, one of those those.
Private Weston.
Patient came in this morning knows some of the guys in his outfit.
I think it's disgusting.
- What business is it of yours, Frank? - Yeah, you're a surgeon.
- I'm also an American.
- All right.
You're an American surgeon.
Go operate on the flag.
Your move.
- How 'bout to another tent? - Don't you understand? The man is not normal.
- What's normal, Frank? - Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
- What about individuality? - Individuality's fine, as long as we all do it together.
Relax, Frank.
He'll be gone in a couple of days.
What do you mean, "relax"? Don't you object to anything? We have you, Frank.
We don't need anything else.
Care for a glass of checkers? That soldier that powder puff is just the kind of weakness the enemy can exploit.
He's been wounded in combat four times, Frank.
Well, even a powder puff can get lucky sometimes.
- Think he might make waves? - Mrs.
Burns, I'm Dr.
Pierce.
I'm afraid your son is suffering from terminal righteousness.
[Man Over P.
A.
.]
Attention.
All personnel are invited to the weenie roast following today's training film on trench foot.
- Good afternoon, Major.
- Good afternoon.
I see you chose the chops for lunch.
I'd rather have your fuzzy little neck.
Oh, yes, he prepares them beautifully.
- Frank, about what we were talking about.
- The subject is closed, Captain.
- As I was saying, Major - Frank.
- I was talking to the major, Captain.
- You talk to the captain.
- I'll talk to the major, Major.
- Sir? - You keep out of this! - Huh? How can you kick this little puppy of a person? Major Burns, I changed your patient roster like you told me to, sir.
- Um, thank you, Corporal.
Bring it by my tent later.
- Frank! I have it here right now.
I haven't seen her move so fast since we put that pancreas under her pillow.
Why wasn't I informed? I am head nurse.
- Give me that.
- You've taken Private Weston off your day sheet.
He said it gave him the willies to be around him.
You are an enlisted man, Corporal.
This is an officers' mess.
- Do you read me? - If it'll help, I'll make him an officer.
- Gee, would ya? - Dismissed! - Yes, sir.
- Frank, I don't understand.
- Private Weston is sick, diseased.
Well, if he should be quarantined, I must know immediately.
What should be quarantined is Frank's mind, if we can find something small enough to put it in.
Margaret, trust me.
Perversion is one of the things we're fighting against.
You mean Private Weston, that nice boy? That's what I understand from some very reliable gossip.
Frank had the duty roster changed because his pulse did the cha-cha every time he went near him.
- What's that supposed to mean? - That means lay off before you do some real damage.
- I don't have to take this kind of abuse! - Oh, yes, you do, Frank.
You invite abuse.
It would be impolite not to accept it.
Frank, straighten out before we string you up by your stethoscope.
You get this straight: Weston is through.
When Division gets the letter I'm writing, he'll get the dishonorable discharge he deserves.
Major? - [Radar.]
Cough.
- [Coughs.]
- Cough.
- [Coughs.]
- How do I sound? - Uh, get some rest, cut down on booze and stay away from women for a while, sir.
- These monthly checkups are a pain.
- Yes, sir.
- Colonel, may I have a word with you? - Don't you always? It's been brought to my attention that we have an undesirable in the post-op.
I suggest immediate isolation and recommend a dishonorable discharge.
Very good, sir, especially with your eyesight.
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about one of the patients.
Okay.
Now open wide.
He's not one of us.
He's one of them.
Who are them, Frank, that's not one of us? - He's not a man.
- A woman? There's no woman in post-op.
You know that.
Sir, a non-heterosexual.
Frank, why are you Frank, why are you telling me this? Has the man made a pass at you, at me, at anyone? - Give me your hand, sir.
- Yeah.
It was my duty.
As an officer, I'm obliged to report any man who may jeopardize his unit.
Well, you just never know, do you? - Look here, sir.
- I'll need the necessary forms with your signature.
- Forget it, Frank.
- Colonel, don't make me go over your head again.
- Wow.
- What is it? - I I'm not sure.
- How's it look? I can't describe it.
It's like a little nativity scene.
What? [Exhales.]
I'm a beat person.
One disadvantage of being sober is knowing exactly how you feel.
- Trapper, Hawkeye.
- Father.
Hope you haven't used all the holy water, Father.
No, no, no, no.
- My folks suggested I become a priest.
- Yeah, yeah? - I like my Sundays free.
- Top of the mornin' to ya, you two-fisted, heart-of-gold, toora-loora-looral Father Mclntyre.
- Could you become a priest, remain celibate? - If they'd had me quick-frozen.
- Pass the soap.
- Certainly, my son.
- Sirs? - [Onlookers Applauding.]
- Close the door, Radar.
- Some of us are out of uniform.
Uh, can I see you both? - If you stand on a box, you can.
- No, no.
This is serious, like.
- Well, tell us.
- Like.
Well, um, Major Burns is giving Colonel Blake a lot of static.
Major Burns is loaded with static.
He was born in a taxi with the radio on while it was stalled under a bridge.
- What's his beef, Radar? - He's trying to force Colonel Blake to sign some forms so Private Weston will get a dishonorable discharge.
- How's he tried to force him? - By insisting.
Since when is insisting forcing? I honestly believe Henry Blake could be held up through the mail.
My towel, Tinker Bell.
- Here we go.
- Okeydokey.
[Chuckles.]
- Clear polish or high buff? - [Mumbles.]
- Huh? - Buff, please.
- You have beautiful hands.
- Thank you.
They're my mother's.
If she ever finds out I've got them, she'll kill me.
[Laughing.]
Ohh.
Oh, my ear's been acting up all day.
Radar gave me a thorough checkup.
I was all right except that I got this, uh uh Did I, uh - Look, let's skip the manicure.
- Voila.
El finko himself.
- That was a dirty trick, Pierce.
- Thanks a lot, Henry.
- For what? - For signing those forms for Frank.
- For helping to ruin another man's life.
- Can I say one thing? - For once again winning the "Rubber Backbone Award.
" - Pierce, I didn't sign.
How dare you do the right thing? Frank said he'd go over my head.
I said, "Go.
" He's done it so many times, I got footprints on my scalp.
- Frank.
- Natch.
Frank writes to Washington more than he does his wife, the big snitch.
Honey, check this ear, will ya? What's it look like in there? ## [Jazzy Instrumental.]
[Knocking.]
- [Two Knocks.]
- Who is it? [Burns.]
Me.
- Frank, you want a bite? - I don't feel like that, Margaret.
Can I type in here? I've got to get away from those animals.
- Don't feel like what, Frank? - Hmm? Ohh.
[Chuckling Mischievously.]
- Any sign? - Frank's still in there.
I'll never understand what they see in each other.
Fortunately, they don't see it in anybody else.
Hold it.
Her flaps are rustling.
- They're coming in for a landing.
- Her door's opening.
Frank is leaving.
His beady little eyes shift.
They look right, now left, now out the back of his head.
Now he gives Hot Lips a noncommittal good-bye leer.
And there will now be a short pause while he skulks casually back to the swamp.
And now, to work.
- That's it! - You'd move out on account of a simple disagreement? Simple? You have a degree in simple! When you told me you were 6'3", I didn't know that was your I.
Q.
- Oh, a character assassination just because we don't agree! - What's wrong? - Keep out of this, Frank.
- Can I help? - Here's a hand mirror.
Do a lobotomy.
- [Mclntrye.]
Lay off Frank.
You're just sore because he's right.
Here's a copy of War and Peace.
That oughta keep your lips moving for a year.
Wait a minute! Did you say I was right about something? - Never mind.
- No, no.
I have a right to know if I was right.
I'm not right that often around here.
If I know what it is, maybe I can do it again.
Why don't you find yourself a drugstore, Frank, and get weighed? - What's eating him? - He's P.
O.
'd because I happen to agree with you about Weston.
- You didn't this morning.
- Intelligence allows for a change.
I definitely think you should send in that report.
You guys are a pain.
You go together like salt and peter.
- Let him rave.
- You know, Trap, I've always felt you and I had the basis for a friendship, Trap.
As my last official favor, I'm gonna wait until I get outside before I throw up.
It's too late to apologize.
You guys, condemning somebody for something that's his own business.
Look me in the eye, TrapperJohn McHypocrite, and tell me there isn't something in your past you wouldn't like to keep buried.
And you, Dr.
Clean Starched Underwear Next time you're browsing in the Bible, try to find a few words about compassion, if you can get past the part that says, "Thou shalt not admit adultery.
" Little selective amnesia, Trap? Remember that 80-proof confession about your first-year medical exams? Medical exams? - I had bought the answers.
Paid a hundred dollars for 'em.
- Wow.
- Suppose that ever got out.
Where would our hero be then? - A hundred dollars? - I was a kid.
- I paid 400 for mine.
And you have the dumb nerve to judge someone else? - If you repeat that, I'll deny it.
- He won't tell anyone.
- [Grumbling.]
- What if I did? Think you could handle a dishonorable discharge from the medical profession? Could you give up your family and your vine-covered house, or is that your house and your vine-covered family? Could you give up your office, with your leather couch and the receptionist? That happened years ago.
I was a kid, like him.
I lied.
I was never a kid.
Most people wouldn't care about the "when," Frank, only the "what.
" - Frank? - Hmm? People who live in glass tents? [Banging.]
Oh, tear it up.
- Don't take it so hard, Frank.
It's the right thing.
- It's galling.
You tear some.
It'll make you feel better.
You want me to help? Phew.
Hey, you laid it on me pretty good, rotten-wise.
"Low I.
Q.
" - Your lips move plenty.
- Only when there's a girl attached.
What you got in your past you'd like buried? I've led a peerless life of exemplary behavior.
- There's a lot of sainthood talk going around in my town.
- You gonna start lying to me? Lying? I don't have to take that kind of talk from a man who started his academic career by failing the afternoon nap.
- Would you like a drink before you go? - I thought you'd never ask.