Mork and Mindy (1978) s02e22 Episode Script

MORK: Nanu, nanu! ( upbeat theme playing ) Thanks for covering for me at the grocery store, Mork.
Oh, that's all right, Jud.
I know what it was like the first time I tried to put a live lobster in a shopping cart.
I guess we shouldn't have bagged our own groceries.
Ooh, dead bread.
Well, at least now we can have pumpernickel tortillas.
Looks like you don't have to worry about scrambling your eggs, either.
Aw! It's not a pretty sight, is it? Well, at least they died with their shells on.
May you rest in pieces! I've never seen anyone get so emotional over eggs.
Oh, each one of those eggs represents 76 chicken hours, Jud.
You know, Mork, ever since I moved into this neighborhood, you've been one of my best friends.
Thanks for taking me to the movies.
How'd you like it? Well, for such a conceptually interesting film, I usually like to see it twice, You know, I found the production values reminiscent of Bergman, and the dramatic values reminiscent of Fellini but what bothers me is, why did the coyote, after the roadrunner blew him up, come back 5 seconds later? How should I know? I don't even understand what you said.
Uh, what do you want me to do with the mail? Oh, put it on the counter.
It's Mindy's.
This one's for you.
Oh, mail for moi? It's from "The U.
S.
Dep Of Immig and Nat"? I don't know anyone named Nat.
What's it say? Let me see.
Sorry.
Oh, no, it's from the Department of Immigration and Naturalization.
"Dear sir" That's nice.
"With concern to your visit April 19 last year, "we require more information on your alien status.
"Please contact our office immediately to prevent termination of U.
S.
residency.
Love, Jimmy.
" I still don't know what it means.
Well, it means I'm up the creek without a green card.
Being grown up is sure confusing.
I'm sorry, little one.
Last year I went to apply for an alien status, and they, well, the-they refused me, and I thought they threw away the form, but I guess they didn't.
What's that gotta do with a creek? It means I'm gonna be deported.
What's "deported" mean? It means I'll have to find another place to live.
I better go down there and check it out right away.
Careful what you say.
You're right.
It's the government.
If I try and duck any questions, they'll think I'm chicken, and my goose is cooked.
I guess I'll have to prove that I'm gonna be a fine American.
What's on the Statue of Liberty? I was there once when I was a kid.
It says "Carlos loves Mary Beth Ovitz.
" Oh, it's almost 4:00.
I'd better put on some decent duds and get down to the federal courthouse.
I'll stay here and tell Mindy where you've gone.
You know, Carlos must really love Mary Beth.
I mean, he built that big statue, and she's still carrying a torch for him.
( upbeat theme playing ) Da-duh, da, dum dum dum! America, America From sea to shining Waves of grain Yay! You, uh, you must be my 5:00 appointment.
I'm certainly not your 5:00 shadow.
Ar ar! I'm just your typical, American, patriotic citizen.
I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to stop by Mom's Diner to have a piece of apple pie, a cold beer, eat a hot dog, watch a baseball game, catch a pass, join the army, move to the suburbs, and shoot a deer.
Well, what's this in my pocket? I don't know.
It's the Constitution.
I don't know why I carry it around, because I memorized it years ago.
Mr Mr.
Mork, is it? Yes, uh, yes, my fellow American, it is.
It says here you come from Ork.
Where exactly is that? Follow, follow, follow, follow.
You know, Mr.
Mork, it's pretty hard for an alien to get into this country, but it's impossible for a wacky alien to get in.
Ah, what about Charo? Have, uh, have you got any identification papers? Oh, no, just "Mr.
Bill" of Rights.
( squeaking ) Oh, no! Don't violate me! Your enthusiasm is very admirable.
Thank you.
And your costume is pretty spiffy.
But we don't grant citizenship on personality alone.
You can ask me anything about American history.
I know all the answers.
Who was Paul Revere's barber? Mr.
Benedict of Boston.
Uh, I know the names of all the states.
There's anxiety, depression, fear, catatonic joy, catatonic love, catatonic peace.
Jud told me you were here.
Oh, I am.
Ye Um, excuse me for barging in like this, your honor.
Are you with him, or are you normal? No, no, I'm with him.
Well, then you could help answer a few questions.
Well, I thought we cleared all these questions up last year.
All I can tell you is his file is incomplete.
If he wants to stay in the country, I have to have some more information.
Well.
Well, my astrological sign is Nepharius, with egg rising.
We'll start with "occupation.
" You got a job? Absolutely.
What is it? Well, observing a primitive planet ( Gasps ) A reasonable planet A wonderful planet.
There a lot of money in that? Well, not much.
I-I usually make my money from doing odd jobs.
I'll bet.
Excuse me, your honor, um, couldn't you just tell Mork what he has to do to stay in the country? Well, for starters, he has to bring me a passport and a birth certificate.
Now, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll hold his file for five days.
But if he doesn't produce the documents by then, he'll have to be deported.
Oh.
I wonder where I left my birth certificate.
Probably with my passport, huh, Mind? Yeah.
( laughing ) Ar, ar! Now, if you two will excuse me, I have to take two adult-strength pain relievers.
Don't you want to hear me sing "God Bless America" in harmony? Look, if you don't bring me those papers, you may be singing "God Bless Guatemala.
" Um, excuse me, your honor.
Uh, just on the off-chance.
Mork can't find his passport or his birth certificate, uh, is there any other way he can stay in the country? Not unless he marries an American citizen.
Oh.
Thank you.
( calm theme playing ) Mork, have you changed yet? No, I'm still an illegal alien.
Well, I've been thinking over the alternatives.
Well, me too.
Number one, I could run away.
Then they'd arrest me, there'd be a brief trial, then death row, and then president Jerry Brown would strap me into a solar-powered electric chair, and it would take me a year to die.
Well, I've been thinking.
You could run away, but then you'd be a fugitive.
Yeah, probably be pursued for the rest of my life by a one-arm immigration officer.
Or you could go to another country, except you'd have trouble getting in anywhere without a passport.
Well, maybe I could stay at the Charles Place.
I don't think so.
I think it'd be too difficult for you to adjust to another country.
Oh! And you can go with me, Mind! If we go to China, it'll be Mork and Ming.
Or if we go to Or if we go to Siberia it'll be Mork and Mindivich.
Or Or Italy, it'll be Mork and Mindestrone.
Or if we go to Latvia, it'll be Laverne and Shirley.
No, no, work, you can't go.
Well, why not? Well, 'cause I don't want to take you away from your friends your life here, your dentist.
I've got another solution! I'll disguise myself as an American tourist.
I-I'll get a Nikon camera, a long, two-piece leisure suit, that's okay, we'll rent some kids, we'll put them in the back, they'll wear Mickey Mouse ears and go, "Dad, are we goin' to Disneyland?" I'll be driving along, look in the rearview mirror, and go, "You shut up, and if Grandpa passes out again, you jump-start him.
Now, come on.
Be quiet.
" Oh.
Well, Mork The only thing left to do is what the judge suggested, getting married.
Oh, I couldn't do that, Mind.
Well, why not? Well, because you once said that marriage is a very, very special thing and you only wanted to do it once.
And I don't want you to waste it on a favor.
Yeah, but, Mork, I'm trying to help you.
Nah, it'll be all right.
I'll leave, and you'll forget about me, and I'll forget about you In about 200 years.
Well, we can't give up now.
I mean, we've got five whole days to think of something.
No, let's face it, I'm doomed.
At least I have something to remember you by.
What's that? Can I see? Oh, don't open it.
What is it? Well, inside is the very first tear you ever shed for me.
And you carry this with you? Oh, Mork, that's so nice.
Oh, I hope one day, I can If I ever get real, real lonely, I'll open it up and brush that tear away.
It'll almost be like having you there.
Oh.
( knock on door ) Oh, it's probably the library, Mind.
I'm overdue on that book, Raising Weasels for Fun and Profit.
Oh, hi, Jud.
Is Mork still here? Well, he sure is.
Mork, you have a visitor.
Oh, rug bug, you probably just came to say goodbye, didn't you? That's not why I'm here.
I saw this program on TV and I thought it might help you.
It's about adopting kids from Asia.
If you could find someone to adopt you like the Vietnamese kids, you could stay in this country.
( gasps ) That's a great idea! Yeah, Mind, but I'm allergic to silk and I don't love rice.
It's not so bad if you put lots of sugar on it.
See ya! Okay.
Thanks a lot, Jud.
Sure thing! Hey, bye.
Mork, did you hear that? All we have to do is find an American who'll adopt you, and then you can stay in the country! Yeah, but who's gonna adopt me? Me? ( upbeat theme playing ) Let's see, adoption agency Adoption agency.
Uh, Mind Can you stop your fingers from walking for a second and let my lips do the talking? I mean, I don't think this is a very good idea.
Why, Mork? I'll adopt you, and then everything Then you'll become my mother.
Right.
You see, I already have a mother back on Ork.
I mean, if And if you adopt me, it'll break her little Pyrex heart.
All right, then we'll have to find someone else who'll adopt you.
Hi, kids.
Mr.
Bickley! Mr.
Bickley.
Thank you for remembering.
Mind if I borrow a cup of Sweet'N Low? Oh, Mr.
Bickley, why don't you come in and sit down? We have something we'd like to talk to you about.
Sure.
Why shouldn't I share the wisdom of my years? Bick, we're just wondering, what's your opinion about adoption? I'm for it.
It gives a guy an excuse to watch the Saturday morning cartoons.
See, we feel that a new son could really bring joy into one's life.
Oh, I get it now, you're thinking about adopting a little boy.
I think it's nice.
You get the kid of your choice and the child gets parents who love him and want him.
Everybody wins.
Oh, so However, before you do anything, let Uncle Bick give you a little advice.
If possible, find out everything you can about his background: Who his parents were, where he came from, and if he's had his shots.
You'd want to ask these questions if you were adopting someone? I'd want to ask those questions if I was hiring a gardener.
Well, thanks for the advice.
Oh, sorry.
We're out of Sweet'N Low.
Oh, well, you might as well hold onto this till you get some.
It's yours.
I borrowed it last year.
By the way, if you do get a kid and you need a babysitter, just drop him by my place.
You can use that window over there.
Bye-bye, Mork, bye-bye, Mindy.
Bye, America.
Mork, I'm sorry.
That's all right, Mind.
I'd probably be too big for his lap anyway.
What we have to find is someone who will adopt you that won't ask any questions about your past.
Well, just hope it's not Roy Rogers, 'cause if I pass on, he'll have me stuffed and put in his museum.
( upbeat theme playing ) I'm so excited.
Oh, me, too.
Where's the little one? You're looking at him.
You're here to be adopted? Oh, t-the bigger ones are always the last to go.
You mean you're adopting him? Oh, no, no.
Not me.
( door opens ) Would you put that thing away? There are ladies present! Exidor! Son! Is that you? Dad! Morkie! Here's the present I got you.
You left it in the other office.
Careful, it's still got its claws! You're the best dad in the whole world.
Uh, yes.
I think I'll just take this for now.
Exidor, we really can't thank you enough for doing this.
I'd do anything for this waif Even dress up in this ridiculous outfit.
Exidor, Mork has passed every other interview.
Now, this one's the big one.
Now, do you remember what you're supposed to do? Certainly.
I'm to be dignified, respectful And just as crazy as the rest of the people in this world.
Well, do you think you can do that? Oh, sure.
I'm great at impressions.
Uh, watch this! Hello.
Lovely day.
Yes.
Charming child! Why, thank you! Madcap enough? Monrax, don't chew on that lady's skirt! Lucky for you polyester doesn't fray.
Oh, Mork, I think we're in trouble.
Mr.
Exidor.
That's you! Good luck! Thanks, Min.
Uh, Exidor Now, don't talk too much, and just try and play it cool, all right? Cool as a night in Siberia.
Steinmatz, wash that before you put it in your mouth! Lovely day, isn't it? Uh, yes.
Now, who is adopting whom? I'm Mr.
Mork, and this is my father-to-be, Mr.
Exidor.
I see.
I have the papers here of your interviews today, but essentially, the question of adoption rests on this meeting.
Mr.
Exidor, do you have your references with you? They're in the briefcase.
Oh, they're in the briefcase.
Lunch! It says here that you're a doctor of philosophy, Mr.
Dr.
Exidor And that you studied with Spinoza.
He's been dead for many years.
No wonder I never got my report card! Um, he means Mel Spinoza, it's his friend from Harvard.
It was just a little joke.
This is not a place for levity.
Doctor, it could cost you a son.
Of course.
Dr.
Exidor, the key question is, why do you want to adopt someone as old as Mork? Why? My dear lady, where is it written that a person is not entitled to love after a certain age? What you see before you are two people with complementary needs.
He to have a father, I to be one.
What calloused heart would deny the fulfillment of this just because one of us isn't wearing diapers? You really do love each other, don't you? Oh! She bought it! Dr.
Exidor, I had my doubts, but you're a fine man.
You have a son! Junior! Mon cher Papa! Take these papers to be notarized and bring them back here.
Your wish is my command! We did it! Exidor, you were brilliant.
If we could bag what I just said over there, we could double the corn crop in Kansas! Wait a minute! Be careful with those papers.
Those are the only ones we have.
Don't worry.
Pepe, don't throw that Frisbee in here! ( upbeat theme playing ) And then I couldn't believe it when he said Mork! ( imitating Exidor ) Mindy, is that you? Will you cut it out? ( Normal voice ) I'm sorry.
Just trying to be a chip off the old pop.
You know, Ex I mean, Dad's been awfully nice to me.
I mean, he even put me in his will.
Before, he was gonna leave everything to his burro.
Right.
And what are you gonna inherit? A bale of hay.
Well, he was gonna leave me the Colorado River, but I said I had no place to put it.
You know, Mork, uh, we solved one problem, but I'm afraid we might have another one.
I've been thinking, and for the first time, the government actually has records on you.
I don't think so, Mindy.
See, the Immigration Department closed its files on me, and Dad didn't trust the Adoption Bureau.
He said he'd put them in his private vault.
Exidor has a vault? Yeah.
It's behind Herman's House of Fish in a dumpster.
It looks like you're safe for a while, anyway.
You know, Mind, we got real close to being married, didn't we? Yeah, we did.
I wonder what that would have been like.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Mork.
Well, let's see, you know, after a while, I'd I'd come home, open the door and go, ( imitating Ozzie Nelson ) "Hi, Mindy.
Hi, Dave.
Hi, Rick.
" ( imitating Ricky Nelson ) "Oh, wow.
Hi, Dad.
Wow.
"You look really good tonight.
It's really nice to have you home.
" ( Normal voice ) Then I-I'd sit in front of Of the TV on Sundays with a little six-pack of ginger ale.
And I'd sit there for a long time, and eventually, after a couple years, I get a little ginger belly.
Then we'd have to buy lots of aspirin for all the headaches you'd get at night.
And then eventually ( imitating old man ) We'd get a lot older, and we'd sit out on the front porch in our little, motorized rocking chairs, and the chairs would rock for us.
Every so often, I'd flip my little pacemaker up real fast like that and turn it down.
And then, finally, one day, I'd lean over to you.
Take me about an hour to get real close, and then I'd lean over and whisper in your hearing aid, I'd say, "Mindy "After all these years you've been so nice to me, "I'm gonna tell you something that no one else knows.
I'm really a Ah!" Mork! ( upbeat theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, your goodyear-ship! ORSON: I'm here, Mork.
What do you have to report? Well, I had a close call, your high-and-wideness.
I was almost banned from the country.
Well, if you couldn't stay there, why didn't you move to another country? Oh, easier said than done, sir.
You see, the borders are guarded by an incredible obstacle known as red tape.
Besides, I've grown accustomed to this place, and And to Mindy's face.
But are you welcome to remain there? Well, sir, all I know is there's this lady who's carrying a torch for me who keeps saying, ( imitating Mae West ) "Send me your tired, your poor, and your huddled masses.
" A noble sentiment.
Yes, except there's also a man down at the immigration office who says, "Not too tired, not too poor, and not too many.
" How did you convince them to let you stay? Well, I had to be adopted.
You see, adoption is an Earth custom that allows humans who like being parents to find others who need them.
It's kind of like an emotional swap meet.
Do the Earthlings get a reward for adopting? All I know, sir, is their lives are richer for having done it.
You see, that's how this country was founded, by adopting people from other nations.
( Scandinavian accent ) First, a few Vikings.
( Spanish accent ) Then, some Spaniards.
( British accent ) Then, some Englishmen.
( African accent ) Then, some Africans.
( Oriental accent ) Some Orientals.
( Irish accent ) Some Irish.
( Eastern European accent ) And some Eastern Europeans.
( Normal voice ) And before you know it, Orson, Good Griffith, you've got the birth of a nation! Until next week, sir, nanu, nanu.
( imitating snare drum ) ( whistles patriotic melody ) ( imitating Native American chant ) Hey, what about us, hmm? Wash day.
( upbeat theme playing )