My Name is Earl s02e22 Episode Script

Me and Randy don't usually set the alarm but today was our first day of work.
Rise and shine.
Hands off mine! Randy, hands off mine! Recently I added somethin'to my list.
Number 273- kept myself from bein' an adult.
First thing I did was get a G.
E.
D and the next step was findin'a job.
Turns out it was easy to find a job.
The hard part was findin'one we'd want to keep.
Well, the crane's broken.
Guess we're usin' the saw.
But today was lookin'a little more promising.
Man, these things smell clean, but they're a little bit itchy.
I wish I would've left my underwear on.
Nice! Wear those colors with pride.
You last a month, we sew on a name tag.
Make it a year, they're yours to keep.
And before we unload a truck for good luck, everybody rubs my mother's bust.
Lewis, go in the back.
Hey, Reggie.
These are the new guys, Earl and Randy.
- Show 'em the ropes.
- Will do, Mr.
Waadt.
Well, all right.
Trucks come in and out of here all day long.
Truck comes in, you unload it.
Truck goes out, you load it.
Next truck comes in, you unload it.
Next truck- - Wait a second.
Go back to that first truck.
- I think we got it.
My name is Earl.
Havin'a job isn't the most glamorous way to spend your day but it felt good bein'a part of the workforce.
Me and Randy were real nine-to-fivers.
Hey, Earl.
Someone said Wednesday is "Hump Day.
" I haven't seen any ladies here, so I'll watch your back and you watch mine.
And while me and Randy were learnin'about the realities of grown-up life Joy was gettin' her own little dose of reality.
Hey, look who it is! It's my deaflawyer's word talker.
What up, Doug? You are such a sweet son, takin'your mama out shoppin'and all.
Yeah, she's my wife.
Um, I'll meet you inside? Yuck.
I'm sorry.
It's just she's so damn old.
Well, that certainly is a lot of punch.
Is someone at the trailer park gettin' baptized? No, it's for me.
They're havin' a sale.
I love the green stuff.
Darnell won't touch it.
I like the orange.
Green gives me the hiccups.
All that's for you? You do realize your trial starts next week, right? Not much of a trial.
I mean, my witness is dead.
They have other evidence, Joy.
This trial could go either way.
You have to prepare yourself for that.
I don't know if I would be buying that much punch.
- Want me to go get your money back for the punch? - I can't! I already spit my gum into the receipt, just like I did with the entertainment unit which forced me to steal the truck and is the reason why I'm facing life in prison.
Swear to God, if Fruit Stripe just kept its damn flavor a little longer I wouldn't be in this mess.
Me and Randy quickly learned that our newjob came with perks.
They give you a store credit card, a week's vacation and anything you put in your 401, the company will match it.
I'm gonna put a puppy in mine.
And twice a day, we got to spend 15 minutes eatin'food out of the snack machines.
We're the perfect cookie-eatin' team.
We used to be good with gum too.
When we were kids, Earl'd soften it up, and I'd blow the bubbles.
Hey, guys, A-9's empty.
I wonder what they're gonna put in there.
Well, I hope they don't waste valuable real estate with stamps again.
Or that Arm & Hammer stuff.
Mom always had that in the fridge, and it was a terrible snack.
No matter how much you eat, it doesn't fill you up.
After four hours ofbox foldin'and talkin'snacks I was gettin'a little bored.
You know, one time I pushed D-5, and two bags of chips came out.
But then one time I pushed it, and no chips came out.
Maybe I should switch the order of that story, you know, so it has a happy ending.
I couldn't imagine doin'a job I'd mastered on my first day for the rest of my life.
- That's when I got the call.
- Hey, you! We need a new floor model.
Bring that dishwasher up front.
It was my first time on the sales floor and I had no idea that through those plastic curtains was a paradise more beautiful than I'd ever imagined.
They had air conditioning that felt like Frosty the Snowman was blowin'kisses up my coveralls.
Even the way it smelled was better than the back.
- Where we had B.
O.
, they had cinnamon buns.
- Oh, wow! And the guys who worked in there seemed to have it all- the looks, the charm and the kind of straight teeth you can only get from braces.
Andjust like the first time I drank chocolate milk and realized I wanted to live my life with a mustache I knew I wanted to work in the front.
Hey, guys, how does someone get a job in the showroom? As a salesman? Well, first, you get one of those braided belts.
Then you put too much hair gel in, which is good 'cause it makes it easier to shove your head up your own rump.
And where would I get one of these braided belts? - Are you really thinking you could work up there? - Maybe.
Let me set you straight about something right now.
No one's ever moved from the back to the front.
- Yeah, but- - But nothin'.
Now, I know you got your G.
E.
D and you think the world's gonna be your little oyster but those guys out there they went to junior college.
South NathanvilleJunior College.
That's the Harvard of Camden-area junior colleges.
Overeducated bastards.
You know what they call us? Dockers, because we work on the loading dock.
You know what the ironical part is? They actually wear Dockers.
We wear Dickies, which, by the way, is what we call them.
In a perfect world we'd switch pants, but Dockers doesn't make a coverall.
Yeah, they're exclusively slacks.
We called.
You're not a front room guy, Hickey.
You're one of us.
There's nothin'wrong with bein'a Docker.
Man, it sure smelled good in there.
Realizin'she might actually go to prison, Joy started to prepare.
First she had a yard sale so the family would have money.
Thank you for your business! Hey, Darnell, guess what.
What? I sold the porch.
Then she prepared for gettin'along with the inmates.
I'm gonna need you to teach me how to speak Mexican so I can talk to Latina gangs in prison.
'Cause, I mean, I already know how to speak black, and I'm not afraid of Asians.
Sure.
Just walk up to the biggest lady you can find and say, "Buenos días.
Estoy aquí para ser tu perra.
'" I heard "bitch" in there.
I mean, I'm not stupid.
I've been called "bitch" in every single language there is.
God, nice try, beeyotch.
That's black.
And finally, she sold the Brat so Darnell would have the right transportation while she was away.
- But you love that car.
- I know.
But you gotta take the highway to come and visit me in prison.
The Brat gets the shimmies when you hit 35.
- Now, this is a very popular model.
- Yes, but is it reliable? Oh, yeah.
My mom's had that kind of dryer for over 20 years.
And I happen to know from experience you can put a neighbor kid in every day for most of the year, and it'll still run good as new.
- I'll take it.
- Well, let me get you a salesman.
Hey, Brandon? You're good with people, Hickey.
You're kind of like a people person.
Thanks.
You know, uh, I've been thinkin' of talkin' to you about becomin' a salesman.
You don't become a salesman.
You're born a salesman.
Except for those people who learn how to be a salesman.
Truth is, most people do it that way.
I'll tell you what.
If you show me that you want it bad enough I'll think about bringin' you up front.
Yes.
Look.
They filled A-9 with popcorn.
What are we gonna talk about now? B-7's almost empty.
Hey, rookie! Anyone ever teach you the right way to use a broom? You take the handle, put it at a 45-degree angle lean it against the wall then sit your ass down and eat some lunch.
You got hair gel in here? You're still thinkin' about workin' in the showroom? Didn't you hear a damn word I said? Front room and back room don't mix.
Hey, come on.
We're all just people.
They're not people.
They're Dickies.
Dickies who think you're dumber than they are just because they're smarter than you.
I hate that.
I wouldn't be like that if I worked out front.
I'm not smarter than anybody.
I'm a regular dude.
If you were a regular dude you'd be staying back here.
Ooh, look at me.
I'm Mr.
Get Ahead.
I want to take a shower every day and wear a tie.
- A tie! - Enough! My whole life I've been thinkin'like that- makin'fun ofkids who studied.
Thinkin' that guys who worked to get ahead were jerks.
But you know what? Maybe I was wrong.
'Cause in over 30 years, it sure hasn't gotten me anyplace.
Give it up, son.
You'll never be one of them.
And once you try, you'll never be one of us.
I got sweepin' to do.
Don't be mad.
I just want to fit in with the guys.
While my hard work wasn't impressin'my coworkers they weren't the ones I was tryin'to impress.
Hickey, we don't open for two hours.
How'd you get in here? Through an air duct.
But don't worry.
I sealed it back up.
- What about the alarm? - Disabled.
Re-abled.
I wasn'tjust provin'I was a hard worker.
I was preparin', in case Mr.
Waadt gave me a shot.
Toaster oven.
Model DV-2301.
Thirty-minute timer.
Removable crumb tray.
Who's on fire? Well, I got the dent out.
Nice work.
We can sell that full price.
Have you seen my foot? Oh! There it is.
And then it happened.
I'm giving you your shot, kid.
You earned it.
Thank you, sir.
You won't regret this.
But it's just a trial.
If you want to stay out there I need to see five grand in sales by the end of the day Sunday.
I promise I won't let you down, sir.
I can do anything I put my mind to.
Could you tie this for me so I can slip it on every morning? I don't tie ties, and I don't listen to excuses.
Five grand, Hickey.
See me when you get there.
I did it.
Good luck.
I'm proud of you.
Keep 'em closed.
I got you somethin'.
See, if I go away to prison, you're gonna want some companionship.
Plus, I don't want you to go cheatin', so open up.
- Oh, my God.
- I found one that looks just like me.
She takes two triple-A batteries, and you can get 'em outta Dodge's Lite-Brite.
Check that out.
She's even got that new car smell.
I know how you like that.
I do like that smell.
I also like the smell of bacon, but I'm not going to fornicate it.
Oh, come on.
It says right here if you soak her in a hot tub for 10 minutes she feels even more lifelike.
You can even pop her head off and nuke it in the microwave! Hey, guys.
I'm Earl.
This is great, huh? Livin' the dream.
Livin' the dream! Did I have it tied wrong? Everything about you being here is wrong.
I didn't take Intro to Beginning Statistics twice at junior college to work with some Docker.
We're gonna make sure that you don't sell five grand by Sunday.
And if you think we're kiddin' we're not.
In my younger days, I would've either stabbed him with the scissors or strangled him with the tie.
But not this time.
I was an adult now.
And I was gonna prove to everyone I could do it.
They could cut my tie, but they couldn't cut out my heart.
The nice thing about this model is it's a pain in the ass to steal.
See, it's got these triangle-shaped lock nuts.
Try to unhook it in the dark with a regular wrench, you get a scar like this.
Hey, Earl, have you told her the amortized value? - Mmm.
- "Amoritized.
" Uh- You better let me help you with this one.
You have to excuse him.
He didn't go to junior college.
- I like your cologne.
- Yeah.
I know you do.
Jim, you got a call on line 2.
The next day, I came back with a can-do attitude and a tie Randy bought back in the '80s.
It took some time, but I finally made my first sale.
I don't know if I mentioned this, but the microwave you bought has a tray that spins around so your food doesn't get tired of the view.
Hey, Earl, those pretty desert ladies with the long boobies are right.
It is easier to carry somethin' on your head.
Damn it, Randy! That was the last one in stock.
How freakin' hard is it to carry a box without pretendin' you're an African lady? Billy was right about front room guys.
You are a Dickie.
I hated snappin'at Randy, but stress makes you do crazy things as Darnell would find out the next day.
Good morning, baby.
Can I interest you in a little lovemaking? He was shocked, but he had a bigger shock comin'.
Joy was gone.
Well, baby, by now you're probably figurin' out what I've done.
WhatJoy had done was pull off a master plan.
That sex doll she bought was just a diversion to help her buy some time.
And the reason Joy traded in the Brat was 'cause she needed a car with a comfortable trunk.
Hey! Drive careful.
Every bump you hit knocks a point off this baby's I.
Q And prison wasn't the place Joy was gonna be speaking Spanish.
So "snap" is chasquido.
Oh, chasquido.
That'll work.
I knew if I told you I was running, you'd just stop me because you worry so much.
But I'll send for you and the kids just as soon as I can.
I'm just scared, Darnell.
I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad.
Please, please, please.
I love you.
Go, baby.
Go.
The Sunday shift was almost over and I was so far away from my sales goal that I was willin'to try anything.
Oh, hi.
I need to buy, um- Okay, hold on.
I have it written down.
Uh- There we are.
Oh, that's not it.
That's the coupon.
Five dollars off.
Hey, Docker.
This big spender's all yours.
Just make sure not to count the coupon in your total.
Here's my list.
We're remodeling our church's soup kitchen.
I'm going to need three refrigerators two stoves and two dishwashers.
I hope this isn't too much.
Oh! You're an angel in a tiny, wrinkled package.
Reggie! This woman just bought a ton of stuff for her church.
She needs it loaded in that truck out front.
Most of these are still out on the semi.
Can we get somebody workin' on it? It's rainin'.
We don't unload when it's rainin', Dickie.
- Dickie! - Look, please, guys.
I've only got 30 minutes to complete this sale, or it doesn't count.
Randy? Fine.
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
I've never seen a Dickie pull his own stock before.
Kid's got guts.
He could slip and fall.
Well, you're all packed up, ma'am.
Just sign here.
Oh, hi.
I switched my sale over to Rick.
- What? - Turns out we go to the same church.
And this sweet young man promised he'll give half his commission to the church.
I'll see you at church on Sunday.
I'll see you there.
If it's the church of some hot chick's crotchless panties 'cause that's where I'm gonna be on Sunday.
Boom, boom.
Closing time.
Say hi to the other Dockers when you're back lifting boxes tomorrow morning.
So you're giving up.
There's no more customers.
I blew it.
So you didn't make bein' a salesman your first try.
There are greater tragedies in the world.
But I wanted to do this.
I wanted to prove to everybody- - Prove what? - That I was somebody.
Oh, you are so full of crap.
Look at you.
You're six feet something, a hundred and something and you've got hardly a speck of sales ability and you hung in with some of the best junior college appliance salesmen Camden has to offer for two days.
In this lifetime, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody except yourself.
And after what you've gone through if you haven't done that by now it ain't gonna never happen.
I'm sorry.
I failed.
It's over.
I let you down, Mr.
Waadt.
I'm sorry.
Here's my tie and my name tag.
I'll wash the shirt and bring it by tomorrow.
I'd like to buy a refrigerator and I'd like to buy it from this Docker.
It's too late.
Store's closed.
Mr.
Waadt said the end of the day Sunday.
It's still Sunday.
That's true.
I'd like to buy a dishwasher, and I'd like to buy it from this Docker.
I'd like to buy a microwave from this Docker.
I'd like to buy a washer-dryer from my brother.
Randy, that's my card.
I lost mine.
Sorry I wasn't nicer to you before.
So one by one, my fellow Dockers helped me start my new career.
And I must've been right about how wantin'to get ahead was a good thing 'cause I was feelin'pretty good.
Joy, on the other hand, wasn't havin' the same luck with her new Mexican career.
Oh, chasquido.