Parks and Recreation s02e22 Episode Script

Hi, there.
What's going on here? Puppy! A puppy is here! Can we keep him? My neighbor's dog had a litter.
They're looking for people to adopt.
I love him.
I wish he had tiny puppy shoes.
I would totally shine his little shoes for free.
I do say the cutest stuff.
Look, I love a good dog as much as the next guy, but this building doesn't allow animals.
Andy, take him outside.
What, and shoot him? No.
Just keep him outside.
Oh, come on, Ron.
I'm just a little puppy.
I ain't done nothing wrong.
I'm just a puppy.
I like your mustache.
I wish I could have one.
But I can't.
Because I'm just a little puppy.
Okay, take him out and shoot him.
Fire! Fire! Fire! What? Where? In my belly.
Because the 24-hour Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon starts tonight.
Goody.
Let us know how it went.
Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research.
And it's important, because Pawnee is the fourth-fattest town in the U.
S.
It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of The Mall of America.
Well, this year, I get to program my own four-hour block.
I know.
Exciting! So, I have signed you all up for multiple shifts.
Yes, just to answer phones and provide moral support.
From when to when? Tonight.
From 2:00 a.
m.
to 6:00 a.
m.
What? No.
Leslie, please.
Tonight's kind of a big night.
You know, all my kids are away, and Gross! No! It's Jerry's sex night.
That ruins sex and tonight.
Why don't you put on one of these T-shirts? It will get you in the mood.
I stayed up all night last night making these.
You stayed up all night the night before an all-night telethon.
Yes.
And here's why.
Boom.
"Diabetes.
Let's Dia-beat-this.
" Yeah.
Four hours to come up with the slogan.
Four hours to embroider them.
Time well spent.
Salad sucks.
There.
I said it.
Feel better? Yep.
I've been doing some thinking.
I'm not going to ask Ann to move in with me.
Why? Is something wrong? No.
I'm going to ask her to marry me.
I love her.
And I want a partner.
Horseback.
You should ask her on horseback.
What? No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon.
No.
She should be on the hot air balloon, and you should ride up on horseback.
Oh.
Wait.
She's in the balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky, up there, skywriting, "Marry me, Ann.
" I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal.
I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
So, you think I should do it, though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.
Leslie.
No, you're right.
It's your life.
Get as many eagles as you want.
So, Tom, you're in for tonight, right? I forgot to tell you.
I can't make it to the telethon tonight, because I have no interest in being there.
Okay.
You're in charge of the VIP special telethon guest.
You're never going to believe who I got.
People are going to freak out.
Rihanna.
No.
Dr.
Oz.
Nope.
You're never going to guess.
Justin Bieber.
No.
Ex-lndiana Pacers small forward, Detlef Schrempf.
The Detlef Schrempf? I know! So, it's really exciting.
Wow.
And I need you to be his body-man.
Pick him up at the airport at 7:00 p.
m.
And then, you know, just entertain him.
Because he doesn't need to be in hair and makeup until 2:00 a.
m.
Does Pawnee Cable Access even have hair and makeup? Well, they have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.
As a nurse and as your friend, I highly suggest you don't try to stay up for the next 24 hours.
I can definitely do it.
I've already been up for 24 hours.
But I have a secret weapon.
NutriYum bars? Leslie.
I know, I know.
They're terrible.
But they give me an insane 15-minute burst.
Plus, my nana used to tell me, "You'll sleep when you're dead.
" My nana, she used to say the best stuff.
"Don't work yourself into a lather.
" "Look where it is and you'll find it.
" "Don't put me in a home.
" "Tell the truth and shame the devil.
" "The devil knows where you're hiding.
" "If you take enough rides with the devil, pretty soon, he's going to drive.
" She was really into the devil.
I have not checked in with you lately.
I'm randomly and casually asking.
How are things going with Mark? Things are good.
Do you think he's the one? The one? I don't know.
Maybe.
Good.
I'm here.
What do I have to do? I have you on phone-answering duty from 4:00 to 6:00 a.
m.
That's horrible.
I have to nap up.
If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.
Got enough leg room back there? Yeah.
Yeah, you don't have to sit so far up.
Yeah, I do.
So, Detlef Schrempf.
Three-time NBA All-Star, two-time Sixth Man Award winner.
It must have been pretty cool to be traded to the Pacers in exchange for veteran center Herb Williams.
So, you looked me up on Wikipedia, huh? No.
Everybody knows that.
Just like everybody knows you appeared in two episodes of the German soap opera Gute Zeiten Schlechte Zeiten.
What, you a big fan of that show? Huge fan.
Huh? Oh, 6'10".
I'm 5'6" and three quarters.
All right, team, you guys psyched? Just remember, all you need to do is take down everybody's name and address and ask them how much they want to donate.
Hey, do these phones dial out? Yes.
Why? No reason.
Leslie, you know what? My phone has 25 lines.
I think it might be a switchboard.
Congratulations, then.
You got the most lines.
Figure it out, Jerry.
Come on, Jerry.
Everyone else has one line.
Oh! So, Leslie, I hear you're going to be in front of the camera this year.
Yeah.
It's exciting.
Cut the chatter.
Tele-hosting? Not as easy as it looks.
Okay? This isn't C-SPAN.
This is Local Access 46.
Don't blow it.
Good evening and welcome to the tenth annual Pawnee Cares Diabetes Telethon.
I'm Pawnee Today's Joan Callamezzo.
And I am not a crook.
No, he's not.
What time is it? I'm tired already.
It's 8:03.
Your shift doesn't start for another six hours.
Diabetes.
Yuck.
Tonight, we're hoping the people of Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands into their plus-size pockets and donate generously.
Weird, wacky stuff.
Stop it.
Coming up, a very special video presentation called Even My Tongue is Fat: The Story of Pawnee.
But right now, to begin with, let's start things off in our telethon with a song.
From Pawnee's most bookable personality, Denise Yermley! Sweet dreams are made of this No one cares.
Hello, hello.
Here you go.
Right up there.
Hello? Hey, there.
Good morning.
Who's next? I feel great.
Everything is running smoothly.
Some of them want to use you Clipboard mouth.
Clipboard mouth.
There's some secret ingredient in these NutriYum bars that makes me feel so good.
Sugar.
It's a block of sugar.
Leslie? Leslie.
Tigers.
Hey, you told me to wake you up at 1:45.
Yep.
It's 1:45 now.
I'm up.
I need to pull it together.
My slot is coming up.
Hey, before you go on, can I just talk to you about something? Wait a minute.
Sorry.
It's Tom.
He may have a Schrempf problem.
Okay.
You understand that, right? I do.
Take it.
T.
B.
continued, Ann.
I promise.
We'll talk later.
Yes.
Okay.
Hey! Hi.
Are you on your way? The Snakehole is booming! People are loving Detlef Schrempf.
I had no idea professional athletes were so popular.
That's awesome.
But you promised to get him here.
Get him here.
Don't worry.
We're leaving soon, all right? Bye! Oh, you can't leave.
Tommy, this is the most business the club's done in months.
But I've got to get him to the telethon.
He's not going anywhere.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Problem.
Andy, I know I told you that you were going on at 3:00 a.
m.
after the Detlef Schrempf interview and career retrospective, but you're going on now.
You're kicking things off.
Whoa! Sweet.
Headlining.
Yeah.
At 2:00 a.
m.
On Cable Access.
Yeah.
Let's go.
So, how are things going with you two? They're going really well.
We're going to get married and I'm pregnant with his child.
Thank you, Joan.
There are two types of diabetes, but only one type of caring.
Type One caring.
And tonight, God willing, we will all be stricken with that.
There's a lot of fun stuff coming up.
Indiana Pacers legend, Detlef Schrempf, will be joining us in the studio later on.
But until then, I would like to introduce one of the hottest bands in Pawnee.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mouse Rat.
I know that life is crazy Well, okay.
Slight hiccup.
But we're back on track.
See that board? When my shift is done, that board is going to read $20,000.
Pawnee Cares.
Hi.
Yes, I'd like to donate $50, please.
Mmm-hmm.
Leslie? You've got sex hair You got it from me, girl.
Sex hair God, we're not getting any donations coming in.
I'm tired of waiting for people to call us.
Let's call them.
Everybody call somebody.
Leslie, it's the middle of the night.
Then, good.
They'll be home.
Donna, someone good? No, I'm talking to my brother, George.
You're not supposed to receive personal phone calls.
Oh, I called him.
He's in Liberia visiting my uncle.
He wants to know what happened on Lost.
Oh, thank God.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I have no idea.
Did you put cream in this? Uh, yeah.
Did I screw up? No, I can drink it.
You sure? Guys, has anyone seen Tom? The ultimate celebrity, I think, to hang out with for a night would be Criss Angel.
You'd be talking to him, and then, he would just turn into fire.
Brooks Brothers Boys is like, the cuts are slimmer and it's cheaper.
Win-win.
Do you ever talk to someone and you're just like, "Oh.
We're going to be best friends"? I'm getting that, right now.
He had two beers.
Light beers.
I need you to make that out, "To Wendy.
Tom is an amazing guy.
"You never should have left him.
"You made a huge mistake in your life, "and you're probably going to die alone.
Love, Detlef.
" Do you know what, I think we should be heading to that telethon.
Yes, we will definitely go to the telethon soon.
After this song! Hopped up out the bed Turn my swag on Took a look in the mirror, said, "What's up?" Ron? Ron.
Wake up.
Ron, wake up.
It's Leslie.
Oh, God! Were you having a bad dream? No.
I suffer from a disorder called sleep fighting.
That must be terrible.
Only when I'm losing.
Look, I'm freaking out, okay? Tom is not here, and he's got Detlef Schrempf.
And I have three hours to fill.
I'm sure you'll figure something out.
Don't go back to sleep.
Okay? I need you to wake up.
Ron? Come on.
Help me.
Attaboy.
I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors.
I'm not big on charities.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself.
He's a grown man.
Fishing is not that hard.
Okay, that was the national anthem of Canada.
And now, I'm going to see how long I can hold a D chord.
April, will you call some of the Rec Center teachers and see if they want to come down and show off their special skills? Yes.
Nod your head yes.
I can do magic.
Egg, my lady? Jerry, that's disgusting and fake! Oh, my God.
It's real.
Go up there and do that.
You broke my egg.
You don't have a second egg? No, but I'm a very good piano player.
I'd be happy to go up there and give it a shot.
Why are you wasting my time? This is really serious! You go keep your eye out for Tom.
I've got this covered.
When re-caning an old chair, one needs to make sure that one has all the right elements in place.
Over.
Under.
And you guessed it.
Over.
God, he's actually losing money.
Over.
Under.
This chair is almost caning itself.
No.
Sir, if you want to make a donation, you have to Yeah.
That sounds really cool.
You sound cool.
You sound really strong.
Hey, why don't you forget about the donation and just come down here and meet me in person.
What? Oh, my God.
You're so funny.
You're funny.
Bye.
Hey.
Hey.
Funny girl you were talking to? When it comes to preparing taxes Oh, my God.
This is a disaster.
The only thing that's taxing is deciding which software to buy.
I am completely screwed.
I have no Schrempf, no backup plan, no more NutriYum bars.
What do people want to watch? Cute animals on a bike? No time to train one.
Hot people kissing? I don't know.
Maybe Mark and Ann would Have you ever seen this man sleep? It's like underwater ballet.
I have a great idea.
What's that? I think you should propose to Ann tonight.
Today.
Whatever it is.
On camera.
For diabetes.
Really? Yes.
It would be so cool.
Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad proposed to Mrs.
Cosby on TV? No.
I do.
Most women do.
On television, though? Yes, but Oh, my God! We talked about it being something big.
Right.
And I don't think we can get a hot air balloon at this time of night.
I have my grandma's ring.
I guess I could go home and get it.
Is there a story behind it? Was she on the Titanic? Was she on the Titanic? No.
She was just my grandma.
It would make a great story.
I trust Leslie.
I don't know.
What do you think I should do? And that concludes a quick look at QuickBooks Pro.
Quick Books.
Okay.
Thank you so much, Barney, for that.
Thank you.
Go.
We'd like to make a quick announcement.
Detlef Schrempf is temporarily delayed.
But coming soon, a really amazing thing is going to happen.
So, get your wallets out or get your handkerchiefs out.
Or get your tissues out, if you're like me and think handkerchiefs are gross.
For now, please, let's take a look at this moving video entitled, One Butt, Two Seats: The Widening of America.
No.
Ann.
Wait.
Ann, Ann! Where are you going? Just stay a little while longer.
Leslie, I'm so beat.
I'm so sorry that I've been crazy.
What did you want to talk to me about? No worries.
It can wait.
No, no.
What is it? I think I need to break up with Mark.
I've just been feeling for a while like something's missing.
And I kept thinking about the question you asked me today, about whether or not he's the one.
And he's not.
Mark really loves you.
I think he's ready to take this to the next step.
He doesn't know what he's ready for.
But I think I do.
I guess you're just going to have to marry him and figure it out.
No.
No.
No.
Why would you do that? No, no.
No.
No.
Good for you, Ann.
Hey, Mark.
It's Leslie.
Change of plans.
Can you call me back? Tom, get here now.
Call me.
Bye.
Hey, Leslie.
It's Leslie.
Hang in there.
I love you.
Bye.
Please be April.
April? Yeah? It's Joe from the phone.
I made you laugh.
You said come down.
Listen, my van's out back.
Let's roll.
No.
Please leave.
Where are you going? Hey.
What's up? Is this guy bothering you? No, I'm bothering you.
For bothering her.
Are you her bodyguard? I mean, she's an adult.
I think she can decide on her own what train she wants to ride.
It's time to go.
Whatever, man.
I work for the Sewage Department.
I'm up to my waist in hot snizz.
Take a walk.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
Heads.
Oh, boy.
What is going to happen next? Okay.
My second favorite episode? Monica is making dinner, and Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend.
So, Joey says, "Get in the box.
" I forgot to tell you.
There's a box.
And it's Thanksgiving Day.
So, they get ready to eat.
What is Ross and Rachel doing? They're fighting.
So, Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are all together.
Although, is Phoebe there? Yes.
So I will now drink eight glasses of milk in three minutes.
No.
No, you won't.
No, you won't.
Because if you do that, you will die.
Oh! Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Enough of that racket.
Well, Pawnee.
It's almost And, we need to keep those donations coming in.
I know we promised a special event coming up, and Leslie.
No.
Should I come up now? No.
No.
No.
What we're going to do is we're going to pull our pants down.
That's what we're going to do.
Everyone's gonna pull their pants down for diabetes.
Okay? On one, two Got my swag on Took a look in the mirror, said, "What's up?" Detlef, are you sure you don't want me to drive? I'm good to drive.
You want to come up and play video games? Whoa! Pull over, man.
That place has good chicken.
I'm hungry.
You just love flashing your ass, don't you? When it's for a good cause, Joan.
What's up! Hey, look who's here.
Wake up, Pawnee! Tommy Timberlake is in the house! And you know who else is with me? Detlef Schrempf! Tell them what they won, son! All right.
Thanks, Tom.
Well, on behalf of the Detlef Schrempf Foundation, I would like to present this check for $5,000 for diabetes research.
Oh, man! Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Wow.
Wow.
Big man, big check.
By the way, I'm drunk.
And if anybody out there I don't understand.
What happened? I'm sorry.
I think I was a little tired when I told you that you should do that.
I don't think that that's something Ann wants.
Not on TV.
So, that's why you pulled your pants down.
Yeah.
Wait, what did I do? It's 6:04 a.
m.
and I'm Perd Hapley of Channel 4 Eyewitness News.
And the story of this next dance is that it's called The Worm.
Good morning, Knope.
Morning, Ron.
Everything running smoothly? You know, I'm happy to go back out there, demonstrate more of my skills.
How to start a fire without matches.
How to build a cribbage board.
No, I'm okay.
Thanks.
Get some sleep.
Aye-aye, Captain.
What the are you doing, Perd Hapley? Hey.
Leslie? What are you doing here? Why aren't you sleeping? I just I thought maybe you'd want to talk more about all the crazy stuff going on.
I do.
I really do.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I've just got to tell you, I'm a little tired.
Okay.
So, I may have parked on your front lawn.
You did.
I did.
Oh! Yeah.
It's Just come in before anybody Leslie and I had an amazing talk.
It was so great of her to come over here.
Even though she was exhausted beyond belief.
Anyway, after we talked, she fell asleep on my couch.
And she's been asleep for twenty-two hours.
It's amazing what she slept through.
No way.
At one point, I thought she was up Hold on.
Hi.
Hey.
But then, she went right back to sleep.
I've been monitoring her vital signs.
She's totally fine.
I love her so much.
But I think I'm going to draw a mustache on her face.