That '70s Show s02e22 Episode Script

Hey you guys, guess what part of my body I nicknamed Pink Floyd! Shut up! Jackie thought it was cute.
Well Jackie is not here anymore.
I was over at Jackie's this morning, she's so down, it's really depressing.
She's taking the brake-up pretty hard huh.
Cool! Shut up man, you cried like a baby.
Wow! I did not cry.
I had something in my eye.
For a week? I have allergies allright Is it so wrong to feel?! Anyway, Jackie is like in really bad shape.
So Kelso, now that you and Jackie are no longer an 'item', uhm, I can ask her out right? What? No! Since when do you like Jackie? Yeah Fez, I don't think that's a good idea.
Yeah Fez man, that's a bad idea, Jackie's on the rebound right now.
Why don't you just give her a break.
What?! Since when did YOU like Jackie? Allright does everybody here now like Jackie?! I still don't.
Thank you Eric.
Fez, Hyde was saying that Jackie is really vulnerable right now.
Yes! So I must move fast before she gets her self-esteem back! Yeah, can't blame her for being down, after all, I did dump her.
Actually, she dumped you.
Hey, I don't like to get into specifics.
Oh go turn around the mountain.
Nothing will stop me from asking Jackie out on a date.
Not even.
Ninja's! FEZ : Stand back! I want Jackie and no-one will stop ME! NINJA-MASTER: Hahahahaha! You cannot have Jackie! I will disable you with my cat-like swiftness! Oh Yeah?! NINJA-MASTER: Yeah! Oh Yeah?! NINJA-MASTER: Yeah! Oh! Fez? Go ahead Fez.
Ask Jackie out.
She won't go, cause you're foreign.
But go ahead and ask.
You're damn right I will! No Laurie, I'm not giving you 15 dollars for new hot rollers! Straight hair is not the end of the world.
Actually Mom, Lauries world is a lot smaller and much more shallow then the average person's.
Come on Mom, curls are important for my self-esteem! Oh, you know what else might be good for your self-esteem? Not being the village whore.
Are you trying to start something with me little boy?! Because while you have to go to work, all I have to do is sit around and think of ways to hurt you.
Oh I don't know, as village whore I think your day's all full-up! Shut up! Ha! I win! You're both wrong, so can it! You're dead! Oehh I'm so scared! Kitty, remember that little French restaurant down town? Frenchies? The one and only! I made reservations for tonight, Forman party of two Well now this is so spontanious of you Red.
You haven't been reading my Cosmo have you? Come on Kitty, we'll get all dressed up, you can even wear my mother's necklace! Oh, the necklaceyayyy Come on Eric, we're gonna be late.
Bye Mom.
Bye honey! Oh this is awful.
Come on Mom, French food is not that bad.
Just order pommes-frites.
They're french fries you know.
No honey, the necklace.
I don't have it anymore.
Really? What did you do with it? Nothing.
I said nothing.
Mom did you gamble the necklace away?! Okay stop it Laurie, I'll make you get a job.
Bye! FEZ (in his mind): Okay Fez, asking Jackie out is a big opportunity for you.
And if she says no, don't cry.
Just be witty and polite.
Stick to the script.
But most importantly speak slowly and e-nun-ci-ate.
Hello? Hello Jackie, how are you doing today? I'm fine nice weather today huh.
Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight? Okay Wait, who is this? It's me, Fez.
Oh.
Okay.
I just thought, since you and Kelso are no longer dating How is Michael doing? Uhh fine I guess.
Actually he seems dumber.
Well you know what, that's great.
Cause I'm doing fine too.
Just fine.
Well, if you are fine, then I am dandy.
You and me: fine and dandy! Did you hang up? No.
Pick you up at eight? Fine.
Dandy! Okay, I'm all ready so let's go.
Wow, you look great! And you look sharp yourself, soooo let's go! Hey, weren't you going to wear my mother's necklace? Here it is.
I tuck it in so I won't lose it.
So, let's hit the road! Well you know, that didn't really look like the one that she gave you.
Sure it does, it looks just like it, cause it is it! Ahahahaha! Now look who is getting old, doesn't even remember what necklace his mother gave me! So let's move it out! Boy Laurie, you really like that hotdog! You didn't even chew it.
Oh hey Hyde, Father's Day is coming up, shouldn't you practice saying: Hi are you my Daddy? Oh, by the way Laurie, the surgeon-general called, he wants you to stop hoarding all the penicillin.
You know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn on for some guy named Tank.
Oh maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me.
Oh yeah well NICE HAIR! Oh Laurie, are you all out of put-downs? Yeah, I'm guessing I'm having an off-day.
Even Eric burned me! Eric burned you?! You are totally lame.
I know, isn't that pathetic? Eric! What about me? Speaking of the spinly-armed devil What's so pathetic? Nothing.
At least nothing we can share with you Gomer.
Oh yeah well, NICE HAIR! What?! So Jackie, how is your very expensive dinner? It's great.
And I'm not replacing Michael with food! Are you gonna finish that? Oh that's okay.
You know this restaurant is very well know for their very expensive dinners.
But, for you, it Pass the butter! Ahhh the butter.
That reminds me of an amusing anecdote.
Well the other day, I was in the basement Was Michael there? Yeah.
Anyways He is SUCH a jerk.
Yes well anyways, back to my amusing anecdote.
Well the other day I was tying my shoe and Fez, I'm so glad I came out with you tonight! Really? Hm I was STARVING! So what happened? Did you kiss her? Cause I'll kill you if you kissed her! Ah no I didn't wanna kiss her.
I wanted to give her a napkin! There was not a moment when she did not have a face full of food.
I was disgusted.
Really? Hey all's forgiven buddy! Okay fine Hyde.
You don't wanna tell me what Laurie said about me? I'm fine with that.
I'm telling you man, she didn't say anything.
Aha.
Right.
BecauseI mean that's what Laurie's know for.
NOT saying bitchy things.
Hey Hyde, what did Laurie say about Eric? I'll tell you later man, it's so bad! Funny, but bad.
You got nothing.
Huh? Yeah yeah, I got nothing Okay, fineI don't care.
She told you about summercamp right? FINE.
They called me Dr.
PeePee.
I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was ten.
Soyou know who cares, I'm dr.
PeePee.
I'm.
dr.
PeePee.
Dr.
PeePee! You are SO Dr.
PeePee! Oh really? Big Chief Brownbottom! I'm sorry! I'm sorry man! SorryI just everyone shut up Hey, how was dinner? Fine.
Except your father wouldn't shut up about that stupid necklace.
Look Kitty, obviously something's going on here.
So why don't you just tell me what it is? Did you lose it? No.
Did you lend it to somebody? No.
Then what the hell happened?! I hocked it okay, I pawned it, I hocked it.
You pawned my dead mother's necklace? Yes.
And I'm not sorry, cause we got groceries for it.
So I'm not sorry, I'm not sorry! And I don't feel bad! Oh Eric, I feel so bad! Mom, you feel bad? Laurie told everyone about dr.
PeePee! Oh honey that's not so bad.
That's cute! Oh please, I have told that story to so many MOM! I didn't tell that story to anybody! After I finished putting all my pictures of Michael in my special Michael-box.
I realised I'm so totally over him! You liar! Look at yourself! And if you keep stuffing your face like this, you're gonna get Don't even dare say it you bitch! FAT! No! Nooooo! Yep, I've almost finished my fifth pie and I'm still completely over Michael.
No.
Stop.
Wait.
Hmmm blueberry! Hm.
I'm feeling kinda weird Oh no! What is happening to me? Oh goodness! O gracious! Oh my! Hmmmmm!! No more pie for you Okay let's go Suck it in Jackie! My God Donna I'm scared! I have to control myself! Okay well then let's start by you handing Donna the jerky Back off you amazon! Look, I just need more time.
Okay you slapping my hand when I tried to take your jerky is something a FAT girl would do.
OH! Okay Laurie, I know what you told Hyde.
What are you talking about loser? The camp story, dr.
PeePee, you're dead! What is going on? - Shh! Pretend it's TV.
- Okay.
Well I know some pretty horrible things about you too little lady.
Fella's, Laurie here waxes her lips, legs, eyebrows, toes and shoulderblades.
In the fifth grade Eric sent away for the Charles Atlas kid, cause a girl kicked sand in his face.
- You stuffed in highschool.
- So did you.
Last year Laurie used all of her birthday money to buy a back massager.
Which isn't fooling anyone by the way Wellthat's not as bad as when I walked in on you in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster and you were all LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL! What?! YEAH.
LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL! I HATE YOU!!! It's true Okay Red, I'm very sorry I pawned that necklace.
That's okay.
I've been thinking about it and it's no big deal.
Let's just bygones be bygones.
What do you say pretty lady? What did you do? A few months ago, I pawned the pocketwatch your Dad gave me.
So we're even! Let's just get on with our lives.
Oh Red how could you? Well Kitty.
Who the hell needs a damn pocketwatch? "What time is it? I don't know, I'll check my pocket".
See what I mean, it's just stupid.
Oh Red.
And I pawned the lawn-mower.
And Eric's old phonographplayer and snowblower.
We had a snowblowet?! Actually it was Bob's.
Well why did you get so mad at me? I got mad at myself.
Look, it's the man's job to support the family.
And if he can't do that, it's the man's job to pawn the things to feed the family he can't support! Okay.
Okay You know, Bob's been looking for that snowblower.
Yeah I know Kitty.
And believe you me, I'm running out of stories.
So what you're saying is I slept with the devil? Exactly.
She told me it was a birthmark.
It IS a birthmark.
From where they cut off her tail at birth! Guys, I'm actually starting to feel a little bad about this.
Yeah it is not right to reveal other people's secrets.
I'm going to have to agree with dr.
PeePee on this one.
Hello boys.
And how are you Michael? Well not so good, I just got some very disturbing news.
Well I hope you're very unhappy.
Fez, can I talk to you? Yes.
Fez I just wanna thank you for last night.
I know I wasn't my supercute self, and I'm sorry.
But you're a really good friend.
But Jackie, I was hoping that perhaps we could be more then friends? Well, hope springs eternal Fez How about you keep worshipping me from afar, and stay available.
Just in case.
You would do that for me? That's a sweet deal.
Should we kiss on it? Sure! Heh! Bye! Allright, that's IT! You're a dead man!