The Addams Family (1964) s02e22 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family It's no use.
Nothing seems to calm my nerves.
Mine either.
I couldn't believe my eyes when we drove past and saw them holding the charity bazaar without even calling on us, or even informing us.
Darling, it was probably an oversight.
Maybe they called and we weren't home.
Impossible.
Watch this.
Thing never misses a phone call.
Sorry, Thing.
False alarm.
What reason could they possibly have for not letting us know? We've always donated more than our share.
Who else would give them a beautiful stuffed python crushing a water buffalo? Or the chopping block of Ivan the Terrible, with the original nick still in it? I even threw in the henchmen's ax that made those nicks.
You didn't.
Well, I got carried away.
Darling, you're generous to a fault.
That's true.
Did you see some of the junk the other people gave? It certainly takes no imagination to donate an original Van Gogh.
Right.
Now, if someone donated his ear The trouble is it's for such a worthy cause, a new home for the aged.
I feel we should do our share.
Well, if that's all that's worrying you, forget it.
It's all taken care of.
I'm building a home for the aged of our own.
Darling, how wonderful.
There'll be a special ramp just for skateboarding.
What about tennis courts? Tennis courts and a polo field.
Darling, you're wonderful.
You'll put that other home right out of business.
Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to surprise you.
- Mother.
Father.
- Mother.
Father.
Darling, the children.
- What's that for? - For later.
I don't want to lose my place.
Yes, children, it is a lovely day.
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Father.
- Hello.
- Hello, darlings.
We found a picture, but we don't know whose it is.
Sure is a slick looker.
- Well, probably me.
- It's a she.
Here she is, Mother.
Isn't she beautiful? Sure has pretty hair.
And a nice smile.
Why, that's my mother.
Your Granny Frump.
That's Granny Frump? When she was a teenager.
- Sure is pretty.
- A dazzler.
Sure has changed.
Well, darling, you have to remember, she's a lot older now.
I wish she was still as pretty.
She is.
Except now, it's on the inside.
On the inside? I'll show you.
There.
Ever see anything more beautiful than that? I have a lovely idea.
Next week is my mother's birthday, and with Grandmama Addams vacationing on Devil's Island, why don't I call on Granny Frump and have her spend a few days with us? By all means.
And for her birthday, we could send her to Barbara Benson's Beauty Farm.
Perhaps in a week or two, they could bring some of her beauty back and put it on the outside.
It would probably be more like a year or two.
Why quibble about time? It's only money, and besides, nothing's too good for your mother.
It'd be worth anything to see her look like that again.
Well, you can't expect miracles, darling.
I'll call Granny and ask her to come and stay with us.
But I want her birthday present to be a surprise until her birthday.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- You promise? - Cross my heart.
- Me, too.
- That's wonderful, children.
Now, run out into the kitchen and get a snack.
Lurch has baked a lovely soufflé of aardvark.
Couldn't I just have a little bowl of sea slug? For dessert, darling, for dessert.
Now to find my place.
Mrs.
Frump.
Lurch, you sure look terrible.
- Mother! - Morticia.
Mother.
You look terrible, too.
Well, don't just stand there, take the bags.
Oh, Mother, I told you not to.
Well, I had to buy something for the children.
You spoil them dreadfully.
Lurch, put that up in the guest room.
I'll show it to the children later.
They get such a thrill out of your gifts.
Granny Frump, I thought I heard you.
Stop slobbering.
Let me look at you.
You look worst of all.
- It's this light.
- Nothing wrong with the light.
- That's the trouble.
- I'll call the children.
No, no.
I'll go up and surprise them.
Maybe scare them a little.
All right, Agent Double-000, are you going to tell me what I want to know? No.
Surprise.
Granny! Say, you kids look like a couple of ghosts.
Gosh, thanks, Granny.
What're you doing? Playing Chinese water torture.
Nice game.
Clean, too.
Granny, are you in for a big surprise.
I am? Remember, Pugsley, you crossed your heart.
I wasn't going to tell her anything, except that Mother and Father are going to send her away.
Send me away? Where to? That's the secret.
I bet it's the jungle.
That hot, steaming jungle.
Great for my sinuses.
Well, gotta unpack.
Wait till you kids see what I brought you.
Really kill you.
Hi, Granny.
What're you doing? I'm manicuring my fingernails.
Fear I have a little too much iron in my blood.
Gomez and Morticia are planning to send me away.
Happen to know where? I didn't hear anything.
Not even a hint? Well, let's see, yesterday they were talking about a bazaar and a home for the aged.
Oh, no.
They're not planning to send me away, they're planning to put me away.
Well, what's the difference? Send or put? When Morticia wanted to go to work at the age of 10, did I stop her? No.
When she had pneumonia and wanted to run out in the snow and play, did I stop her? No.
When she tried to run away from home, did I stop her? No.
And what's my reward? An old folk's home.
Well, that's it.
A perfect gift for a person who has everything.
There you are, Gomez, darling.
I wanted you to send a check to Barbara Benson's Beauty Farm.
I've arranged for my mother to stay there for two weeks.
I know it's the best birthday present we can possibly give her.
I'll make a memo so I don't forget.
What's all this other paperwork, dear? Some notes and plans for my home for the aged.
I've added an ice skating rink and a ski jump for winter sports.
How thoughtful.
Here's the combination kitchen and garage, and there's the recreation room and discotheque.
- For men or women? - Both.
- Together? - Querida, you're forgetting, this is a home for the aged.
You wicked man.
Fester, I just know I'm right.
I just know they're planning to put me out to pasture.
Well, you are the outdoor type.
Look.
"Home for the aged"! Look at this.
"Send check to cover Granny's reservation.
" You see, you were afraid they were gonna put you out to pasture.
They're just going to send you to a reservation.
No, no.
They're going to send me to a home for the aged, and I don't want to go.
Hey, maybe if you show them how much pep you still got, you know, make yourself useful around the house.
Oh, Fester, I could just kiss you.
I was only trying to help.
Are you all right, deary? If there's anything you want, let me get it for you.
- Just fine, Mother.
- That's just your imagination.
I'll fix you a little snack.
Some porcupine cookies, a bit of mongoose broth.
I just had lunch, dear.
Well, how about an ottoman for your feet? Shall I open the window? - But the window is open.
- Then I'll close it.
Well, of course, it's chilly in here.
I'll get you a blanket, too.
A nice itchy one.
Gomez.
Gomez, darling.
That name.
It drives me wild.
Especially when I'm shaving.
I'm sorry.
I didn't see you, Gomez.
I'll get a double blanket for you.
What's the matter with her? I was just going to ask you that.
Glad I asked first.
She's probably still a bit upset after her trip.
Two weeks at the beauty farm should help.
Can't hurt.
There, that'll keep you both warm.
Mother, why don't you go downstairs to the playroom and stretch out on the bed of nails? You need a little relaxation.
Me, relax? Never.
Go, go, go.
That's me.
Give me that.
Just love to dust and do things around the house.
- Mother.
- Just call me busy fingers.
I think I'll dust my way right up to the attic, and when I finish that, I'll do the yard.
Just gotta keep go, go, going.
Go, go, go, go.
Dusting the yard? That's ridiculous.
Of course it is.
Lurch has already dusted it.
Yes, Lurch, what is it? Mrs.
Frump, washed the clothes, polished the silverware.
I think I better have a talk with my mother.
You know, deep inside, she's really a wonderful person.
Of course she is.
You can tell by her picture.
- Mother.
- Doing dishes.
Yesiree, Bob! That's the life.
I like drying them even better.
Well, that's that.
Fixed dinner for tonight, dinner for tomorrow's cooking, ordered groceries for a month, set the table and packed the children's lunch.
Well, I heard Lurch say the car's been acting up.
Think I'll give it a good overhauling.
Mother.
- Sorry.
Too busy.
- Mother, Mother.
Now, listen, you've got to stop trying to do so much.
Think I'm too old? Ridiculous.
Mother, Mother.
No, darling, it isn't that.
It's just that this is Lurch's domain and he feels you're invading it.
Besides, you should relax more at your age.
At my age? I never felt better in my life.
Until just now.
Don't worry, Granny Frump, I'll cheer you up.
How? By reciting the poem I wrote.
"I have a gloomy little spider "I love to sit down close beside her "She never knows where she has been 'Cause all she does is spin and spin "My spider's quite a busy roamer "Which is why I called her Homer "She loves to work and spin all day "And then, at night, she likes to play "Her web is like my mother's hair "Her eyes have got my father's stare "She may not jump, or twist, or bend "But a spider's a girl's best friend" Did you like it? It's sweet, but I'm still sad.
This is my favorite picture of you when you were so young and beautiful.
Were? I still am.
Oh, sure, but now it's only on the inside.
Inside, huh? Well, I'm gonna put it on the outside.
Hi.
I don't believe it.
- You don't believe what? - See for yourself.
I don't believe it.
Yes.
Yes, we appreciate that.
Then we'll expect you right after dinner? Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
That's the hardest phone call I've ever had to make.
Yes, a far cry from making reservations for your mother at Barbara Benson's to making them at the Happy Valley Institute.
I just hope we did the right thing.
Well, you saw for yourself.
Pogo sticks, jump rope.
Right now, she's upstairs playing cops and robbers.
Stick 'em up! Don't worry, querida, Dr.
Jonley has a fine reputation.
One look at Granny, and he'll know exactly what to do for her.
Oh, Gomez, I don't know what would've become of me if I hadn't met you.
You were fortunate, my dear.
How about a go at the trains, just to relax? Splendid idea.
I'll operate the switches.
You can blow up the train.
Oh, no, darling, you blow up the trains.
I know how you love those wrecks.
Naturally.
I had one go through the ceiling yesterday.
- You didn't.
- Oh, yeah.
Shower of plaster and everything.
You've been practicing.
Used some of Pugsley's TNT.
Young fellow really knows how to mix an explosive.
Makes a mother proud.
All right, my dear, as soon as the last car clears this tunnel, count three and - Wonderful.
- All right, start them up.
Faster.
Faster.
Let them go wild.
Maybe one of them will fly off the track.
Yes, darling, yes.
I love runaway trains.
All right, now, as soon as the train clears the tunnel Now, that's what I call a real mystery.
Fester must have been fooling around with this.
Something like this always happens when he does.
Beautiful.
Didn't hit the ceiling.
Darling, you can't win them all.
How do you do, Mrs.
Addams? I'm Dr.
Jonley.
I'm Mr.
Addams.
This is Mrs.
Addams.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It must be the light, or maybe it's my glasses.
It is my glasses.
I'm not wearing them.
I'm so sorry.
I'm Dr.
Jonley.
- How do you do, Mrs.
Addams? - How do you do? - Won't you come in? - Thank you.
Doctor, we asked you to stop by because a member of our family has been behaving, well, strangely.
I understand.
And we thought perhaps by your talking Hi! Oh, he should be put away immediately.
Oh, no, he's not the one.
Fester, this is the head Oh, I'm sorry, I got no time now.
Big news.
Gotta see Granny.
Well, nice talking to you.
Dear, would you tell Granny we'd like to see her? Roger.
Bye! Are you sure he's not the one? Just a minute.
Come in.
Okay, you can forget the kid stuff.
I wish I could.
It's making me old fast.
Well, I got big news for you.
You mean they're gonna send me away anyway? Yep, but not to the home for the aged.
That's something that Gomez is building.
They're sending you to a beauty farm.
A beauty farm? Yeah, it was a surprise, but I got Pugsley and Wednesday to tell me.
What a relief.
Yeah, they wanna see you downstairs.
There's some fella there.
I think he runs the place.
Just a minute.
One thing I don't understand.
What's that? Why they wanna send me to a beauty farm.
Pogo stick.
The jumping rope.
They're typical regressions to a second childhood.
Yes, yes, yes, these things are very difficult to handle at the home level.
But at Happy Valley, there's something wrong with a patient who isn't jumping rope or dancing the Watusi.
Morticia? Oh, there you are.
Mother, this gentleman is here You needn't explain, Morticia.
I know all about the place, and I'm all for it.
You are? Oh, well, isn't that nice? Could be a real lifesaver.
Oh, Gomez, I'm not that bad.
- Am I? - No, no, no, not at all.
These cases have to be handled with kid gloves.
Who told you about our place? Oh, I've heard about it for years.
Some of my best friends have been there.
Granny, we don't want you to get the idea that we're trying to get rid of you.
Get rid of me? Why, I want to go.
There's one thing we must insist on, though, and that's a quiet room.
I do hope your walls are well insulated.
We have a few where the walls are padded.
Oh, Gomez, I don't know how much extra it would cost, but I would certainly like to have one of those.
One padded room coming up.
Oh, I may never want to leave.
Let's go.
You can ship my things, Morticia.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Looks like we did the right thing.
Oh, the poor dear, she's further gone than I thought.
Well, as long as it makes her happy.
Tokyo, Fujiyama Osaka It's a little something I composed, darling.
Do you like it? I don't know about the melody, but I love the words.
Yes, the words are the best part.
Darling, you've been hanging there for three hours.
Aren't you getting a little tired? Tired? This is the perfect way to relax.
Mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
It's from my mother.
How's she getting along? She's doing nicely.
Listen to this.
"I really like this place.
You meet a very nice class of people.
"Though I'm looking much better, "Dr.
Jonley thinks I might have to stay a lot longer than he thought.
"Love, Mother.
" I knew it.
It's her kind of place.
Mother, what are you doing here? Some beauty farm.
There wasn't a person there who could give me a permanent.
Don't worry, darling, I can tell just by looking at you that you're all well.