The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e22 Episode Script

[indistinct arguing]
Come now, Bradbury.
Retirement's a good thing.
I'm not going.
Hold on. Wait a second.
What's going on?
Nobody told me
Mr. Bradbury was retiring.
I'm not.
You were meant
to retire at60.
We gave you 20 years
to clean out your desk.
But Mr. Bradbury's
on the board of directors.
He's the best employee
representative we ever had.
I can fight my own wars,
you big sack of meat.
Maybe it's time to go.
Of course it is.
He's been on the board
for over 40 years.
ThenI'll be good
for another 40.
I've got a new heart.
And a new hip.
And there's a baboon at the zoo
with my blood type.
Mr. Bradbury, you've had
the best job in the store.
It's time for you to go out
and enjoy yourgolden years.
You just want this job
for yourself.
You all want this job.
Well, back away you jackals.
Or the kid gets it.
Uh, Mr. Bradbury,
you don't wanna do this.
You wanna leave here
with your head held high.
Hey, look. It's the oldest
trick in the book.
Where? I don't see it.
Maybe you'll see it
better down in Florida.
Bye-bye.
What's going on?
Well, just say that I am sitting
on a big secret here, buddy.
Yeah? And it's hangin'
over your chair.
- So what's the big secret?
- Well..
Ah, since you two won't have
a chance of gettin' it
I guess I can tell you.
Old man Bradbury
finally stepped down
as the employee rep
of the board of directors.
Oh, my God.
The rumor's true.
The cushiest job in the store
is finally up for grabs.
Retreats in Hawaii,
company car..
And what's it pay like?
50,000 a year?
- Hm-mmm.
- 'Wow..'
That's a lot of dough
just for sittin' on your ass.
It's the American dream.
Ass dough.
I'm signin' up.
Who do I talk to?
Well, Mr. Wick or one of
the other board of directors.
They're the ones
who vote on it.
But forget it, 'cause
they're looking for someone
with management experience.
So, the job's mine.
Oh, yeah?
Well, old man Bradbury
was a janitor
when he got the job.
So it could go to any of us.
But between sparkles, dumpy
and me, I gotta go with me.
Yeah, forget it.
The job's mine.
My face has got
board of directors
written all over it.
You have the Bible
under there for all I know.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
I would like to apply
for the opening
on the board of directors.
Bradbury.
Gotta go.
[theme music]
Up every mornin'
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustling mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows ♪
No one owns
a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that the world
looks fine yeah ♪
Hey ♪
Holiday ♪
Ee-e-e yeah ♪
Hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[mumbling indistinctly]
Come on, buddy.
You gotta pick a book.
We're here for you, man,
but in another five minutes
if you don't pick a book,
we're gonna be
at the Indians game
before you.
You know, besides, all these
business books are the same.
Hey, I got a book for you.
"Kiss Butt For 15 Years
In A Drug Lab
"ThenAccidentlyUnleash A
Teeny-Tiny Strain Of Bacteria
"Suddenly It's Goodbye,
Lab Coat. Hello, Mop."
I can't find the right book.
These books are all
aboutnetworking
and corporate strategy..
swimming with the sharks,
running with the bulls.
I can't swim.
I don't wanna run.
I just want a book that'll let
the board see me as one of them.
Hey, Kate, can you get me
another cinnamon roll
while you're over there?
Sure, Drew.
But this is thelastone.
You've got to pick a book.
Heywhen did book stores
start serving pastry and coffee?
You know, if they clear
a couple of these shelves
put in a couch and a TV, I'd be
at this book store everyday.
Hey, Drew,
if you can't pick one
why don't you just
buy a bunch of them?
- Yeah..
- It's too expensive.
There.
Look at this one.
Thirty-two bucks.
Hm. You know,
they should have a place
like a video store,
where you..
where you take a book
for a couple of days
and then when you're done
with it, you bring itback.
Yeah, they could call it
a library.
Drew. Look.
Over here.
There's a section called
"Business Humor."
This is what you're looking for.
Huh?
"Water Cooler Wit
"Small Talk For The Stall
Knock Knock, Who's There?
Success."
[laughing]
I think I should keep looking.
- Excuse me. Sorry.
- Hey, what's up?
Oh, um, how to gain
the professional edge.
Butyou can't eat it.
You wouldn't be interested.
Well, then,
maybe you can help me.
I'm looking for a book called
"Why Is That Man Kicking Me?"
It's by your butt.
How to gain
the professional edge.
"Achieve the personal,
professional image you want."
Hey, this is it.
This is what I'm looking for.
Oh, thank God,
we can go.
I don't know.
It's only a paperback and..
Are you looking for a sign?
Oh, well, this is kinda hard
to put down. I mean it's..
Shucks,
really hard to put down.
Hey, sticky fingers
uh, you just got cinnamon roll
all over that book.
You just bought it.
Mm and the Lord spoke
through the food.
And the food said,
"You shall buy the book
"and lead them
into the Indians game
where they shall
drinketh beer. Hey-ooh."
[instrumental music]
Drew, it's casual day.
Where's your muscle shirt
and torn shorts?
Not that I'm complaining.
You're lookin' at
the new Drew, Kate.
This is the Drew
with a professional edge.
Then why did you unbutton
one button on your shirt?
I didn't unbutton it.
It flew off after breakfast.
It's kind of sad really.
It was the last
of the originals.
Anyway, I love casual day.
I get to wear
comfortable clothes
and the customers
seem to get a kick outta it.
What is it? Food on my face?
Eye boogers, nose hair?
- What?
- Nothing, Kate.
I'm just using eye contact
to exude confidence
and show an interest
in what others are saying.
This book is great.
I'm bored by you as usual,
but look.
I appear interested.
Eye contact, huh?
Hello, Larry.
How are you today?
I'm married, O'Brian.
Cool your jets.
Wearin' a suit
on casual day, huh?
Just when you thought
the stick couldn't
get shoved any higher.
Casual day doesn't mean
careless day, Mimi.
What are you,
a landing strip?
Land on this.
You know, that suit
is why you're all wrong
to represent the employees.
You're not one of us.
The employees of the store and I
are cut from the came cloth.
Really?
How much of it did they get?
- Carey.
- Hey, Mr. Wick.
Get a load of Drew.
What kind of jackass
wears a suit on casual day?
[laughs]
Let me guess,
he's wearing a suit?
Did he see me?
[squeaking]
Don't be mad.
It's alright.
Oh, when you do it
so cute like that.
How can I punish you?
Like this.
I want you here
all day, Saturday
finishing these reports.
Thank you, sir. I hope this
won't change your vote for me.
Actually, it has.
I'm now voting an emphatic no.
No, wait.
I have to sign these reports.
Do either of you two have a pen?
Oh, here's a quandary, hmm?
Mimi's leaky Troll Doll pen
or Carey's classic Mont Blanc?
A perspective member
of the board
should use nothing less, sir.
Thank you, Carey.
I'll bear that in mind
when I make my vote.
By the way, good move
with the suit.
At least someone looks like
they came to work today.
It's all about image, sir.
I-M-A-G-E.
Impression, Movement, Attitude,
Grooming and Etiquette, sir.
Very good, Carey.
- Uh, sir, the pen?
- Oh, what was I thinking?
Thank you.
Oh, wait.
Is that the phone?
I'll get it.
Hello.
Yes, yes. Yes.
Well, she's right here.
'Yes.'
Yes. Yeah.
Sure, I'll tell her. Sure.
You lose.
You're not gonna
beat methateasy.
I'm gonna figure out
what you're doing.
Suits on casual day.
Fancy pens.
Words that spell other stuff
when you break 'em down.
Where are you gettin'
all these great ideas?
[squeaking]
I don't know.
- Tell me.
- Ha-ha, I'm over here now.
Oh, wait.
Do I hear the phone?
Oh, yes.
It's for you.
[man grunting]
Oh. I'm so sorry, Mr. Wick.
S-sorry.
O-so sorry.
R-R, really, really sorry.
Y, why won't you wake up?
I'm telling you,
Drew's professional edge book
absolutely does not work.
Are you kidding?
Drew's impressing board members
left and right.
And this time,
it's not by eating wieners
while they chant,
"Go, go, go, go."
I'm telling you,
that eye contact thing
did not work for me.
I can tell you that.
It may impress a boss, but it
just freaks out a lab monkey.
No.
- Here you go, guys.
- Hey, thanks, Mike.
Hey.
I made the cut.
I'm one of the finalists
for the board of directors job.
- Hey. Alright.
- Congratulations.
I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I've only read half of you,
already you changed my life.
I never thought I'd say this
about a book, butI want you.
Somewhere, a swimsuit issue
is crying.
So what are you gonna do next
to get this board job?
Well, tomorrow is the big day.
We're having
a formal lunch interview
in the executive dining room.
Which should be
a breeze once I read
the chapter on
professional dining etiquette.
Ah, that's where your
six-meal-a-day training
gives you the edge.
- So your shoo-in, right?
- Well, it's not over yet.
I still gotta beat out Larry,
Sally and complete department
andMimi.
Mimi's a finalist?
How the hell could she get any
board member to vote for her?
This may be the
medication talking, Mimi.
But I'd like for you
to meet my parents.
Oh my God. She's out with Gerald
Boardroom-to-bedroom Thompson.
I can't even believe
she'd stoop that low.
So what?
She gets one vote.
He gets one last vision
of Mimi before he dies.
I just wanna thank you again for
helping me to become a finalist.
May I be so bold as to say I..
I hope your teeth
end up on my night stand.
Well, that sounds exciting.
But you must know that
now that we're dating, uh
I can't help you any longer.
You can't get me the job?
It's over. It's not you.
It's me. Bye, bye.
Move over, pig.
I need a drink.
Uh, what your date would have
said to you tomorrow morning.
[whistles]
Hey, I turned him down.
I can't help it if I'm
the kinda woman that hewants.
Hey. Anyone got a dented
rusty old Buick?
Just got hit by
a street sweeper out front.
Oh my God.
What-what color is it?
Primer.
Say youmind moving your book?
It's not my book.
But you're standing right here.
It's gotta be your book.
Well, you're standing right
there, so you gotta be a moron.
Wait a minute.
This is Drew's book.
Oh, this is where he's
getting all these great ideas.
Um, would you mind if
I used your backdoor?
Actually, I prefer it.
[instrumental music]
- Give it.
- No.
- Give it to me.
- No.
Finders keepers.
Buy another one.
I can't.
It's sold out.
Oh, this is so beautiful.
I'm gonnacreamyou.
No, you're not.
Give it to me.
Oh, no.
What's the matter?
Didn't you read the chapter on
professional dining etiquette?
Of course, I did.
I memorized that whole book.
Well, which seat at
the table is the power seat?
- That one.
- No.
It's the one
holding you up.
[laughing]
The power seat at the table
is the one facing
the door, dipwad.
[laughing]
Oh, relax, Drew.
They're not gonna do
a urine test before lunch.
Then why did you
pee in that cup?
Hey, how you doing?
(male narrator)
Number one,
The Proper Handshake.
Grasp firmly,
pump twice, let go.
Kinda like the old two-pump
handshake, huh, Mr. Wick?
Ha, I read that far.
Yeah, when the food comes
you're gonna be like
a bear at the dump.
Please sit down
and relax everyone.
We don't stand
on formality here.
Well, that's good.
'Cause I hate formality.
Oh..
A shrimp fork
in the olive dish.
Are we barbarians?
You're fired.
Now let's have a lovely meal.
Sorry, I'm late.
Number two, be on time.
My grand muffin
this morning really
cleared out the old inventory.
But now, I'm ready
to re-stock the shelves.
Psst.
The pressure's got to him.
He's off the wagon.
It's down to you and me.
Great to see you, Mrs. L.
Us domers have
to stick together.
You know what I mean,pappy.
Yeah, alright. There you go.
Please forgive me
if I eat lightly.
I have a bleeding ulcer
which has been causing
me a few problems.
Number three,
speak positively
and be enthusiastic.
Hey, what a great way
to lose weight.
You know they say a bleeding
ulcer is the rich man's disease.
Boy, I wish I had
a bleeding ulcer.
Really?
My father always said..
"Wishing was a sign
of passivity and fear."
You're right sir.
I'm gonnageta bleeding ulcer.
So, Mimi, tell us why
you feel you're qualified
to be thenew employee
member of the board?
Oh, well. Thank you
for asking, Mrs. Louder?
Now let me tell you
why I'm qualified.
Number four,
avoid interrupting others.
I've had my butt kicked
around this store for 15 years.
You owe me.
Number five.
Think before you speak.
There. Top that.
Number six.
Speak well of colleagues.
Well, actually,
Mrs. Louder, Larry's right.
He does work hard and deserves
better from the store.
But what he deserves most
is better representation
on the board and that in my
humble opinion, would be me.
Well spoken, Mimi.
I'm surprised we haven't had
a chance to chat more often.
Yeah.
It sucks, don't it?
Uh, wouldn't
you know it Carey
they have forgotten
my fish-knife.
Hand me yours, would you?
Oh, the f-f-fish-knife,
fish-knife.
Of course. There.
Why don't you take it yourself?
And reach across the table?
This is the
executive dining room, man.
Oh. Uh, okay then.
Here, take all my knives.
Oh, this is
hardlyexecutive behavior.
Hand meonly..
the fish-knife.
Oh, you want the fish-knife.
Coming right up, uh..
Oh, oh.
- Which one's the fish-knife?
- Uh..
Oh, what a lovely scarf,
Mrs. Louder.
Oh, why thank you.
It was a gift from
my eldest nephew.
Yeah, fascinating.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
Anybody got a magazine?
Number seven,
do not announce
where you're going.
Ah, what the heck?
I'll take the wine list.
Hey, I just thought of a reason
why I should be in the board.
Peoplelike me.
I consider myself,
above all, a people person.
Oops. Sorry.
Sorry nothing.
You did that on purpose.
Yeah, so what?
Number three,
speak positively
and be enthusiastic.
Oh.
[clanking]
Hey.
He's a really good shover.
And you're gonna
take that from him?
That's not muscle,
you know.
Carey, why don't
you finish him off
with a fish-knife?
Ha-ha.
[instrumental music]
I-I know the guys
and I helped you
work on this trick
all weekend.
But now we're thinking
that maybe
the David Copperfield Special
isn't the best place to look
to solve career problems.
I mean, we werereally drunk.
No.
Look, I really need this.
You know, I finally figured out
why Bradbury stayed
on the board so long.
They are not looking
for somebody
with a professional edge.
They want somebody
who's just too fun
to hang out with.
Until it wasn't
his armpits making those
sounds anymore,
he was really fun.
(Mrs. Louder)
'So that's it.'
Oh. Did-did you
make a decision, sir?
An announcement will be made
later, this afternoon, Mimi.
Uh, excuse me,
if I may interrupt?
I would like to show you
a side of Drew Carey
that you've never seen before.
But first, I need a volunteer.
You sir, would you
step forward please?
Now, Mrs. Louder. You always say
there's no money in the budget.
But have you checked
behind Thompson'sear?
Oh, ho, ho.
And they always say that
the board is against change.
[coins clinking]
[all applauding]
Why don't you
do some real magic?
Escape this humiliation.
Ha, ha.
That's enough, Mimi.
Go on.
That was fun.
Now, if you'd be so kind to
lie on the desk and relax.
This won't take very long.
Hmm, I knew that line was gonna
come back and haunt me someday.
You owe me big
for this, Carey.
Relax.
Magic really turns Mimi on.
Oh.
Lovely assistant.
Hey.
Hands off, Thompson.
Uh, let me just say,
ladies and gentlemen that
if selected,
I promise toraise.
(Mrs. Louder)
'Oh..'
- Raise.
- 'Oh.'
- Ah-ah.
- Raise.
[all cheering]
The Spirit of the board..
And make all of their troubles..
disappear.
[applauding]
Oh, ah.
I hope you'll consider this
as you make your selection.
Oh, that was wonderful.
I've never been
so entertained.
I believe, based on
our earlier discussions
and this presentation,
we can announce the winner now.
Congratulations, Carey.
I never thought you'd
make it to second choice.
The new employee
representative is..
Oh, there he is..
Larry Almada.
- Sorry, I'm late.
- 'What?'
What kinda crap is this?
Congratulations, Larry.
See you in the board room
in 20 minutes.
How the hell did
you pull this off?
Yeah, what did you do?
Sleep with the old broad.
Yes.
Yes, I did.
Oh my God.
That's right.
I slept with her.
Everyone else talked
about it but I did it.
I got the job
and I don't care.
Well, the only good
thing about this is that
you didn't get the job.
Hey, it's only
your constant failure
that's keeping me standing.
Wait a second.
The book says we're
supposed to lose gracefully
and I'm sorry I lost.
Look, these are for you.
Really?
Oops, they must
have seen you.
Wow.
She's incredible Drew.
Look at all
the places she's worked.
Well, you know, sometimes people
cheat a little on their resumes.
I'm sure it's not
all exactly true.
Good afternoon, sir.
I am Tiffany.
I am here to apply for the
opening in cosmetics. Ha-ha.
- Bradbury.
- Oh.
You know, uh,
if you'd have shaved off
that moustache,
you might've had a chance.
Screw you.