The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s02e22 Episode Script

Will, a deal's a deal.
You picked the movie, I pick the restaurant.
Please, man.
This ain't no restaurant.
I mean, there wasn't even no golden arches outside.
Will, please.
You're this far from washing windshields with newspaper.
Now, just sit down and try to go a half-hour without saying "yo.
" Yo, yo, yo.
I'll have two of those.
Ladies, hello.
This is your lucky day.
You know, anyone who sits in these chairs gets served on the house.
Yo, Carlton, man, they French girls.
We in! Yo, they don't have no standards, man.
They like Jerry Lewis.
Look, now.
Check it out.
Follow my lead.
I'm a rich and famous rap star.
You always get to be the rap star.
This time I'll be the rap star and you be Gary Coleman.
- Ahem.
Bonjour, slimmies.
- Bonjour.
Bonjour, je suis un tres important rap star.
- Vraiment! Un rap star! - C'est fantastique.
I love rap.
I am Renee and this is Monique and what do you call yourself? He's Tiny By Nature.
So, how would you ladies like to spend an evening in Tiny's Bel-Air mansion? - Monique, he has a mansion.
- A big one.
A tennis court, swimming pool, excellent school system.
How about tomorrow night? We're only going to be in LA for four days.
Excuse us for just one sec.
Yo, when are Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv going out of town? Tomorrow through Monday.
But what do we do about Hilary and Ashley? Lie? Oh, no, man.
Come on, they're family.
We bribe them.
Yeah, tomorrow night will be perfect.
Separate checks, please.
Tomorrow we go French.
But tonight we go Dutch.
Game plan for tonight, Will.
As soon as the parental units are out of the house we pick the girls up at the hotel.
Then, we ply them with Perrier to get them in the mood.
Hey, Carlton, they're French girls.
They're always in the mood.
Do you know the French word for foreplay? Because there isn't one.
Okay, sweetheart, I am counting on you to take care of your sister while your father and I are at the jazz festival.
Okay.
But last time I squealed on Hilary I found Barbie face down in the aquarium.
Boy, boy.
You kids and your music.
When I was young, lyrics meant something.
I was scatting, Will.
That's the most expressive form of singing.
For example Vivian, gonna be late Vivian, gonna be late All right.
Hilary, honey, here's the number where your father and I are going to be staying at the hotel.
- Okay, I am ready.
- Okay.
Wait! I forgot my purse.
Has anybody seen my old brown bag? Excuse me.
You used to call me Diva.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Vivian.
Well, what a wonderful surprise! I'll put these in the guest room.
So this is what a hernia feels like.
Well, Bobby's visiting Lester's parents for the weekend so I decided to take a little trip.
Now, you know I'm always doing things on the spur on the moment.
Buy a new hat, paint the house, get a divorce.
Not again.
This time he's gone too far.
Hey, does Uncle Lester still do that "pull my finger" thing in church? I don't want to talk about it.
Not in front of the young one.
That means it's about sex.
Either Uncle Lester is seeing another woman or becoming one.
Ashley, don't be ridiculous.
And no more Oprah.
Shoot! And it's transvestite week.
I'm afraid Ashley's right.
I think Lester's messing around.
Look, I just need a place to stay for a while.
Oh, yeah, Aunt Helen, that's cool.
You can have my room.
In Philly.
Will, don't be so insensitive.
You're staying at the Howard Johnson's, and I won't take no for an answer.
Boys, knock it off.
Philip, we cannot go to San Francisco.
Now, don't be canceling anything because of me.
I'll be fine.
You heard what she said.
She'll be fine.
Let's go, Vivian.
I am not leaving at a time like this.
Come on, sweetie, I'll help you unpack.
Okay.
What about our date? This is so unfair.
You're telling me? I stayed up all night learning the French for "Forget about my cousin, y'all can both have me.
" - Sweetheart, I feel so bad about this.
- Me, too.
You poor thing.
You know what? I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna buy something really nice.
Oh, sweetie, that's all right.
You don't have to buy me anything.
I know.
I meant for me.
Honey, you know, all married couples go through rough times.
- But maybe if you just talk to Lester - Talk to him? Girl, I wouldn't give Lester air if he was in a jug.
Well, sweetheart, I don't mean to pry and you don't have to give me all the gory details, but Vivian, I told you.
There is another woman in his life, and I don't mean his ugly mama.
- But Lester is crazy about you.
- Was.
Now he's just crazy.
You know how some men are animals in bed? Yes.
Well, I don't.
Well, I know how that goes.
One day last month, I met Philip at the door wearing nothing, honey, but Saran Wrap and a smile.
Walked right past me and said, "Hi, honey, did you make that meatloaf?" Well, at least he spoke.
Vivian.
Vivian, last night I followed Lester.
He drove over to this cute little house with this cute little picket fence and this cute little homewrecker opened the door.
I would have been reaching for my cute little crowbar.
I couldn't find it.
Anyway, she let him in and he stayed.
For how long? Let's just say I got tired of waiting.
Look, mesdemoiselles, un petit change of plans for tonight.
Instead of you coming over here, we're going to rendezvous at your hotel.
All right.
But, please, baby.
Baby, listen.
Can I talk for a second, baby? It's just that, you know, somebody kind of dropped by the mansion you know, unexpectedly, you know.
So we - Who dropped by? - Aunt Helen.
What? No.
You thought he said Aunt Helen? No, no.
He said Van Halen.
Well, not to worry, my little chocolate truffles.
You can come by tomorrow night.
Prince and Hammer are coming by to play Yahtzee.
Oh, sorry, gotta go.
Barry White's here.
It's 7:15.
Right now, Bobby McFerrin is performing.
I love Bobby McFerrin.
Not as much as we love French Toast.
Dad, call me optimistic but I'm sure you'll still make it to the jazz festival.
Aunt Helen's probably blown this whole thing out of proportion.
You're probably right.
Smith women tend to do that.
I remember one day I came home from work after a really rough time.
I think we were having meatloaf for dinner.
Anyway, your Aunt Vivian was really furious at me because I forgot to mention her dress, or Oh, my God! Vivian! Tomorrow on Geraldo, French women who can't say "no.
" It's not fair, Will.
Monique is everything I've ever wanted in a woman.
Beautiful, sexy, and she measures everything in centimeters.
Hey, look, man, all I know is if we don't get this house cleared out by tonight the only sweet things we gonna be near is a couple Klondike bars.
Vivian, sweetheart, come here, please.
Hurry.
Come on.
There is no more Saran Wrap and Baggies are out of the question.
No, sweetheart, it's not that.
Helen, could you come in here please? Now, listen.
I made some phone calls and I managed to scare up an extra ticket to the jazz festival.
So we can all go.
Me, you and Helen.
I love you, Uncle Phil! I'll get the bags and the car.
Hell, I'll carry you there if I have to.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Lewis, but you have a visitor.
- Me? Who is it? - Your husband, Mr.
Lewis.
Sir, I hope you brought your protective cup.
Sweetie pie, get your bags.
The taxi's waiting.
Would someone please inform Action Jackson over there that I'm not going anywhere with him? But, Helen, you're my wife.
If you refuse to leave with me you know what I'm gonna have to do.
Drag her home by her extensions? Nope.
I'm gonna stay right here with you until you change your mind.
Good old Aunt Jemima.
Now, that's a strong woman.
I never saw her with a man.
Actually, I hear that she and the Quaker Oats dude got kind of a Jungle Fever thing going.
- Good morning, everybody.
- Good morning, Lester.
- I just lost my appetite.
- Helen, please.
All right, I'll stay, but I'm not talking to him.
Not after what he did.
Baby, I know things aren't going perfect, but why did you leave me? Was it because I left my wet underwear hanging on your wig stand? Wrong, but an interesting concept.
Then what was it? The time I took that picture of you on the toilet? That's it.
I am never getting married.
Lester, perhaps you'd like to continue this conversation in private.
How about if you continued it at home? I'll get your bags.
You know what? In fact, forget your bags, we'll mail them to you.
Just go, you crazy kids in love.
I apologize.
This is no way for civilized people to behave in someone else's home.
- No need to, Helen.
- It won't happen again.
Good.
Now, shall we just enjoy the rest of Geoffrey's meal? Amen to that.
Hilary, would you please ask the adulterer on your right to pass the biscuits? What? Dr.
Connors, please.
It's her patient, Lester.
No, not Lester the schizophrenic, Lester the impotent guy.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Hello, Anita.
It's me, Lester.
Helen's driving me crazy.
I needed to talk to you.
No, I didn't tell her about you.
And I think seeing you was a mistake.
I mean, I really like you, and you're really good at what you do but there's part of me that would prefer a man.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's not about you.
It's about me and Helen and Look, maybe now isn't such a good time to talk.
I'll call you tomorrow, okay? Oh, man.
How you trying to play my aunt, man? Oh, that's it.
I'm feeling froggy.
I'm about to leap.
Hey, but, hold up.
Would you really prefer a man? - Wait a minute, Will.
- Back up, man.
You think Wait.
Anita's my psychiatrist, Will.
Oh, yeah, right.
And I just won a Grammy.
Come on.
Come on, man to man, toe to toe, come on.
Will, I understand your anger and if you want to take out your passive-aggressive feelings towards your absent father on me then go ahead.
Man, you really must be seeing a shrink.
Hey, what does it mean when you dream that you're flying through a tunnel on a Scud missile? Wait, hold up.
Aunt Helen saw you going into Anita's house.
She thinks y'all knocking boots.
- What? - Yeah.
Will, would you turn down the Get away from him, Will.
You don't owe him anything.
I'm the one who signed his name to all your damn birthday cards.
Well, Aunt Helen, look, Uncle Lester got something to tell you.
The woman that he's been seeing, she's not no regular woman she's a doctor.
A doctor! Oh, that's good! A doctor! Well, this'll give you a reason to see more of her, Lester.
Helen! Stop it, Helen! Who is that? I'm sorry, Aunt Helen.
My shower's broken.
Uncle Phil fixed it.
Looks like he fixed this door, too.
Yo! Somebody let me out! What's up? What's happening? What the hell is going on? "Gee, Will, where were you when you were supposed to be "with two luscious French girls?" "I was trapped in a bathroom with my naked aunt.
" Helen, now that I've got you in a room without books there's something I've got to tell you.
Ain't nobody gonna tell me nothing! Lester, don't make me get ethnic on you! Oh, damn.
Woman, would you for once let me do the talking? - Now, Anita is a - I bet the hussy has a weave.
And she's younger than I am, too.
Isn't she? Anita's my psychiatrist.
I've been seeing her since I was passed over for that promotion at the plant.
When I missed out on that job, I lost my confidence.
Well, I knew you lost something but I didn't know it was your confidence.
Well, why do you think I started seeing a shrink? - Will, cover your ears.
- Yes, ma'am.
How could you think I was even seeing another woman? Well, you know what they say.
If the rooster ain't crowing in the henhouse he must be cock-a-doodling in the barn.
Helen, I wasn't cock-a-doodling anywhere.
When that job went south, well, my doodle went with it.
You know I'm crazy about you, baby.
Well, I wish you would have said something.
But, knowing me, I wouldn't have listened anyway.
I'm sorry, baby.
I still should have told you about Anita.
I'm the one who's sorry.
It was worth it if it worked.
Did it? Did it work? There's only one way to find out.
Guys? Help me! Somebody let me out of here! They doing it.
I hope you two aren't upset about missing the jazz festival.
Don't be ridiculous.
What's important is that you and Lester are back together again.
Right on.
Besides, I'm sure it'll never happen again.
No.
Because we love each other too much.
No.
Because we're moving and we're not gonna tell you where.
Bye, baby.
Take care, now.
Okay.
Vivian, we gotta go.
Our reservation's for 7:00.
Philip, you know we so seldom have the house all to ourselves.
Instead of going out, why don't we just spend a quiet evening at home? - Together.
Just the two of us.
- Sounds good to me.
Vivian, when's the last time we skinny-dipped in the Jacuzzi? I don't think it was the Fourth of July, but I do remember fireworks.
I'll get the champagne.
You get the nose plugs.
All right.
They left for dinner.
Now, remember.
We don't have that much time until they get back.
- How would you like to see Tiny's Jacuzzi? - Jacuzzi? But, Monique, we do not have the bathing suits.
No problem, neither do we.
Right this way, ladies.
Yeah, let me turn on the bubbles.
Hey, what's up Uncle Phil? Uncle Phil? - Will! - Father! - Carlton! - Mother! Lester, don't make me have to get ethnic on Don't make me have to get ethnic on you! You get the champagne.
I'll get the champagne.
- Somebody get the damn champagne.
- I'm just so excited.
Aunt Helen You're staying at the Howard Johnson.
I couldn't say anything after that.
He should really shut up now, but he won't.
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