The Muppet Show (1976) s02e22 Episode Script
Teresa Brewer
Teresa Brewer! Thirteen seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer, Everything all right? Actually, I could use a hand, You want a hand, you got it! Anything else? It's The Muppet Show with our speciaI guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer! It's time to play the music It's time to light the light It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started Can I see your ticket stub? It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show! Sorry, Sorry! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Welcome again to The Muppet Show, where anything can happen, Unfortunately, But on the bright side, our speciaI guest star is one of the great names in popular music, Here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer! I can remember when cotton was king, You can remember when Arthur was king, OK, You guys really bailed out that number, Very nice, - Hey, Kermit? Have you decided what to do about Miss Piggy's ballet number next week? Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna have to cut it, But why? Have you seen Miss Piggy recently? She's getting a little bulgy, You know, the pork no longer fits in the barreI, Yeah, her wiggles are beginning to waddle a little, Yeah, that's the way the old pork rolls, Hello, Kermie, - Hi, Miss Piggy, I have a wonderfuI announcement to make, I know it sounds silly, but I am going on a diet, A diet? What a wonderfuI idea, - Yes, How much weight do you plan to lose? I don't know, Maybe five Ten! Ten - Yeah, Fifteen, - Do I hear 20? Twenty pounds, - Sold, For my new ballet number! Do you think she overheard? And now, Pigs In Space, Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob.
The flappable first mate, Miss Piggy.
And the inexplicable Dr Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last time, Captain Hogthrob had just discovered the awful truth.
Yes, Captain, Our oxygen is almost gone, fueI supplies are down to nothing, and the water is all used up, Oh, Captain, my captain, What shall we do? Egad, we're out of water, fueI and oxygen, What could be worse? Captain, we're out of swill! Out of swill? - Oh, not swill, Wait a minute, I thought this was a serious science fiction story, Yes, but we've got 25 adult pigs on this spaceship, We can't survive without swill, What do you suggest, Captain? Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill, Me? I'm the first mate, I'm supposed to give orders, Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill, And one side of coleslaw! Besides, I am a gourmet cook, Good, Then give us 25 orders of swill stroganoff, All right, that does it, I refuse to continue this sketch, You hear me? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek.
We're lost in endless space, This is a cheap shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it, Hi, Hey, you guys, Kermit says get on with the sketch, Red alert, Emergency, A hideous space creature has boarded the ship! Where? - Hideous space creature, we are doomed, - Not without a fight, we're not, Tune in next time for the beginning of Pigs In Space, Wild thing! Wild thing! Wild thing! I wonder where they took him, Wherever it is, I bet it's more fun than here, Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying intellectualism never seen before, the Great Gonzo will recite Shakespeare while suspended by his nose from a feather boa nine feet in the air, Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! The Merchant of Venice.
Act one, scene one, Antonio speaks, In sooth, I know not why I am so sad, It wearies me, you say Excuse me, Miss Brewer? I was wondering if I could ask your advice, You know, woman to woman, Why, sure, Miss Piggy, Well, I have this friend who is absolutely devastating, Except she has an itty bitty weight problem, What makes you think I know anything about being fat? Miss Brewer, I've always known that you were one of us skinny people, I thought that maybe you might have heard something from one of your fat friends, Well, maybe I can help, I was about to have some lunch, Would you care to join me? You know Perhaps a nibble, It's such a relief to meet someone who isn't on a diet, Yes, yes, - They're such bores, You know, all they ever talk about is calories and exercise and lettuce, Let's eat, - Now you're talking, Come in, Oh, Miss Brewer, I thought that number was so great, that Cotton Fields thing, It was just beautifuI, Thank you, Kermit, - Piggy? You're supposed to be on a diet, You weren't thinking of doing anything with that cake there, were you, fat stuff? Not untiI now, How about that? Frosted frog, I lost 1 80 pounds of ugly fat in just one week, How'd you do that? - I divorced my husband, I went on a new diet last week, I eat nothing but carrots three times a day, How's it working? - Fine, As far as I'm concerned, being fat's all in your head, I don't think it's all in your head, And then she had the nerve to tell me that I was overweight, Can you believe that? Overweight? Isn't that the most absurd thing you ever heard? Here's a little number now that we dedicate to my favourite food, And we call it Cheesecake.
One and two and Cheesecake, Oh, cheesecake! I'm getting out of here while the getting's good, This is really amazing, Teresa, You got the autograph of every big star in show business in that book, It's a hobby of mine, I started when I was a kid, I always get the autographs of all the people I work with, There's Bing Crosby, You've got Bob Hope, And Louie Armstrong, Wait a second, Whose autograph is that? Crazy Harry, Want another one? No, it's all right, I didn't know you were getting autographs of us Muppets, Of course, I think I've got just about all of the Muppet's autographs, Well, you haven't gotten all of them, You know, you're right, I'm missing the most important one, Well Gee, You know, the collection would be worthless without it, Yeah, well, I don't know what to say, Well, just tell me how to get AnimaI's autograph, AnimaI? Autograph! I love it! Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, And it's breakthrough time here at the labs again, Well, here it is, the all-new Muppets electric nose warmer, Yes, how many times have you been outdoors on a cold, nippy day and gotten your nose cold? "Wouldn't it be nice", you thought to yourself, "if I could warm it electrically", Well, now you can, as my assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, Come on in here, Beaker, We're just going to slip Come here, We're just going to slip this on your nose, There you go, All the way up, There, And now with the nose warmer in place we have only to turn on the electricity, And there's Beaker with a nice toasty warm nose, You really should stop smoking, Beaker, It's very bad for your health, Yeah, that was great, Fantastic, - Didn't like it, What would you know, you old fooI? Don't call me an old fooI, I'll give you the eviI eye, I'm scared, I'm scared! I warned him, Do the hop, Hop! Hop! Hop! Hey, guys, No, finish the song, guys, Could you? Never mind, I am so hungry! It's been 20 whole minutes I've been on this diet, Well, let's see, I hope I haven't lost too much weight, You are ravishing! All right, it's weigh-in time, All right, scale, give me the good news, Liar! It's the old girlswingmonster bit again, They tried to sneak it past us, Shoddy, Shoddy, I think it's getting better, I think you're getting senile, Well, hi there, fatties, and welcome to the Chub Club.
The only TV show where we lose viewers by the ton.
Well, chubbies, ready to lose a little lard? Ready to lose a few tubes? Let's start with a little exercise.
- All right, OK, chin up, chest out, deep breath, touching toes.
One, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two One, two, one, two - All right, take a hike, Ready? Stop.
Next exercise, leg lifts.
Lie down on the floor on your back.
- Yeah, OK, Lift legs high up in the air.
Ready? - Yeah, Lift.
Up, down.
- You've gotta be kidding, Up! Down.
Up.
I'm trying! - Down.
Very good.
Everybody on your feet.
Next exercise, running in place.
Yeah, OK, - Here we go.
Ready? Run.
One, two, one, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two, one, two Alrighty.
Can't you just feel that fat falling away? Ladies and gentlemen, once again our speciaI guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer, Hey, now we'll really hear some music, Yeah, want music, - Put another nickeI in, I put nickeI in, Want music, Put another nickeI in, I put nickeI in, Want music, Just listen, fuzzy face, Fuzzy face! That's all the time and jokes we have left for this show, But before we go let's have a great big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer! Thank you, And now, how about a nice big hand for Kermit the Frog? Thank you, I deserved that, OK, everybody, when the pig exercises, everybody exercises, Run in place, One, two, three OK, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show! Just keep going, One, two, three, four Come on, keep exercising, One, two, yes, yes, one, two, one Run in place! Get out of here, squeak, One, two, one, two Well, they did it again, Yeah, whatever it was,
The flappable first mate, Miss Piggy.
And the inexplicable Dr Strangepork.
As we left our heroes last time, Captain Hogthrob had just discovered the awful truth.
Yes, Captain, Our oxygen is almost gone, fueI supplies are down to nothing, and the water is all used up, Oh, Captain, my captain, What shall we do? Egad, we're out of water, fueI and oxygen, What could be worse? Captain, we're out of swill! Out of swill? - Oh, not swill, Wait a minute, I thought this was a serious science fiction story, Yes, but we've got 25 adult pigs on this spaceship, We can't survive without swill, What do you suggest, Captain? Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill, Me? I'm the first mate, I'm supposed to give orders, Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill, And one side of coleslaw! Besides, I am a gourmet cook, Good, Then give us 25 orders of swill stroganoff, All right, that does it, I refuse to continue this sketch, You hear me? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek.
We're lost in endless space, This is a cheap shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it, Hi, Hey, you guys, Kermit says get on with the sketch, Red alert, Emergency, A hideous space creature has boarded the ship! Where? - Hideous space creature, we are doomed, - Not without a fight, we're not, Tune in next time for the beginning of Pigs In Space, Wild thing! Wild thing! Wild thing! I wonder where they took him, Wherever it is, I bet it's more fun than here, Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying intellectualism never seen before, the Great Gonzo will recite Shakespeare while suspended by his nose from a feather boa nine feet in the air, Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! The Merchant of Venice.
Act one, scene one, Antonio speaks, In sooth, I know not why I am so sad, It wearies me, you say Excuse me, Miss Brewer? I was wondering if I could ask your advice, You know, woman to woman, Why, sure, Miss Piggy, Well, I have this friend who is absolutely devastating, Except she has an itty bitty weight problem, What makes you think I know anything about being fat? Miss Brewer, I've always known that you were one of us skinny people, I thought that maybe you might have heard something from one of your fat friends, Well, maybe I can help, I was about to have some lunch, Would you care to join me? You know Perhaps a nibble, It's such a relief to meet someone who isn't on a diet, Yes, yes, - They're such bores, You know, all they ever talk about is calories and exercise and lettuce, Let's eat, - Now you're talking, Come in, Oh, Miss Brewer, I thought that number was so great, that Cotton Fields thing, It was just beautifuI, Thank you, Kermit, - Piggy? You're supposed to be on a diet, You weren't thinking of doing anything with that cake there, were you, fat stuff? Not untiI now, How about that? Frosted frog, I lost 1 80 pounds of ugly fat in just one week, How'd you do that? - I divorced my husband, I went on a new diet last week, I eat nothing but carrots three times a day, How's it working? - Fine, As far as I'm concerned, being fat's all in your head, I don't think it's all in your head, And then she had the nerve to tell me that I was overweight, Can you believe that? Overweight? Isn't that the most absurd thing you ever heard? Here's a little number now that we dedicate to my favourite food, And we call it Cheesecake.
One and two and Cheesecake, Oh, cheesecake! I'm getting out of here while the getting's good, This is really amazing, Teresa, You got the autograph of every big star in show business in that book, It's a hobby of mine, I started when I was a kid, I always get the autographs of all the people I work with, There's Bing Crosby, You've got Bob Hope, And Louie Armstrong, Wait a second, Whose autograph is that? Crazy Harry, Want another one? No, it's all right, I didn't know you were getting autographs of us Muppets, Of course, I think I've got just about all of the Muppet's autographs, Well, you haven't gotten all of them, You know, you're right, I'm missing the most important one, Well Gee, You know, the collection would be worthless without it, Yeah, well, I don't know what to say, Well, just tell me how to get AnimaI's autograph, AnimaI? Autograph! I love it! Welcome again to Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, And it's breakthrough time here at the labs again, Well, here it is, the all-new Muppets electric nose warmer, Yes, how many times have you been outdoors on a cold, nippy day and gotten your nose cold? "Wouldn't it be nice", you thought to yourself, "if I could warm it electrically", Well, now you can, as my assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, Come on in here, Beaker, We're just going to slip Come here, We're just going to slip this on your nose, There you go, All the way up, There, And now with the nose warmer in place we have only to turn on the electricity, And there's Beaker with a nice toasty warm nose, You really should stop smoking, Beaker, It's very bad for your health, Yeah, that was great, Fantastic, - Didn't like it, What would you know, you old fooI? Don't call me an old fooI, I'll give you the eviI eye, I'm scared, I'm scared! I warned him, Do the hop, Hop! Hop! Hop! Hey, guys, No, finish the song, guys, Could you? Never mind, I am so hungry! It's been 20 whole minutes I've been on this diet, Well, let's see, I hope I haven't lost too much weight, You are ravishing! All right, it's weigh-in time, All right, scale, give me the good news, Liar! It's the old girlswingmonster bit again, They tried to sneak it past us, Shoddy, Shoddy, I think it's getting better, I think you're getting senile, Well, hi there, fatties, and welcome to the Chub Club.
The only TV show where we lose viewers by the ton.
Well, chubbies, ready to lose a little lard? Ready to lose a few tubes? Let's start with a little exercise.
- All right, OK, chin up, chest out, deep breath, touching toes.
One, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two One, two, one, two - All right, take a hike, Ready? Stop.
Next exercise, leg lifts.
Lie down on the floor on your back.
- Yeah, OK, Lift legs high up in the air.
Ready? - Yeah, Lift.
Up, down.
- You've gotta be kidding, Up! Down.
Up.
I'm trying! - Down.
Very good.
Everybody on your feet.
Next exercise, running in place.
Yeah, OK, - Here we go.
Ready? Run.
One, two, one, two, one, two.
One, two, one, two, one, two Alrighty.
Can't you just feel that fat falling away? Ladies and gentlemen, once again our speciaI guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer, Hey, now we'll really hear some music, Yeah, want music, - Put another nickeI in, I put nickeI in, Want music, Put another nickeI in, I put nickeI in, Want music, Just listen, fuzzy face, Fuzzy face! That's all the time and jokes we have left for this show, But before we go let's have a great big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer! Thank you, And now, how about a nice big hand for Kermit the Frog? Thank you, I deserved that, OK, everybody, when the pig exercises, everybody exercises, Run in place, One, two, three OK, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show! Just keep going, One, two, three, four Come on, keep exercising, One, two, yes, yes, one, two, one Run in place! Get out of here, squeak, One, two, one, two Well, they did it again, Yeah, whatever it was,