The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e22 Episode Script

You're thinking about New Christine? We're on a break, it's fine.
Besides I'm not talking about this with you.
Why? Because you're my ex-wife.
I'm also your friend.
You're not my friend.
Yeah, Christine, she was home.
She was home cooking another man dinner.
By the phone? Damn it! Why did I listen to you? We're not on a break.
We're broken up.
Richard buddy what can I do to make you feel better? - Want to make me feel better? - I do.
What do you want, pal? I want sex.
With who? You, pal.
So, anything interesting happening at school today? We're going to look at slides of skin cells under a real microscope.
What are you doing at med school? Oh, me and my lab partner, Larry, are building a ramp, we're going to jump my bike over it.
Hey, sweetie pie, daddy's going to be here any second.
Go get your stuff ready, okay? - Okay, Mom.
- Okay.
Mmm, ga what are you guys eating? Ooh, that smells disgusting.
It's eggs.
You want some? Yeah, a little.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, can you pick up Ritchie after school today? New Christine called and she wants to come over to talk.
Oh, yeah? You think you guys are going to get back together? I don't know.
I hope so.
I hate being broken up.
It's so sad and lonely.
I feel like such a loser.
I don't know how you do it.
Just takes a little courage.
Oh, by the way, Matthew we're out of courage.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, there he is.
You ready for school? Yeah.
We're gonna look at skin cells under a microscope.
At my job, we hid a bunch of barbeque ribs in the wall, we're going to freak out the electrician.
Cool.
Come on.
Hey, good luck with New Christine.
- Bye, lovey-dovey.
- Bye, Mom.
So, what's the deal with you and Richard? What deal? We're fine.
You slept together a week ago.
So? So, it should be awkward.
You should be stuttering and sweating and avoiding eye contact.
Why? It's just sex.
You're in, you're out.
It's a simple transaction.
God, it's like you're buying a sofa.
A filthy, used sofa.
You know what, it doesn't count with me and Richard, 'cause we were married, and we weren't involved with anyone else at the time.
It's a victimless crime.
No consequences.
No, sex always has consequences.
Either someone falls in love, or someone gets hurt, or someone convinces themself there was more there than there really was.
- Oh, she didn't call you yet, huh? - No! And I left her a thousand messages.
Can you get these dishes away? This oh, God, this stuff stinks.
What's going on with you, huh? I don't know.
My sense of smell is really heightened lately.
I haven't been this sensitive since I was pregnant.
Consequences? You've got to be freakin' kidding me.
I cannot be pregnant.
I'm only two pounds away from losing the baby-weight from Ritchie.
I need one of those early detection tests.
Do you see one of those? Well, I'm seeing a whole lot of creams and hey, look, a douche bag's a real thing.
No, I need one of those tests you can take before you missed your period.
Wait, you're not even late? What are we doing here? And how did my calendar get off? I don't have to be late, okay? I know my body and it's telling me I'm pregnant: I'm sensitive to smells, I'm exhausted, and do you have any idea what my boobs feel like? I wish I could say no.
Hey, I got your message.
Came as soon as I could.
What? I didn't call you.
I did.
I'm sorry.
I need a break.
I mean, I've been there for you through your divorce, two juice fasts, "The Cleanse", the week when you thought Jon Stewart was calling you and hanging up.
Hey, it said "private caller," and he's a very private man.
- It's time to pass the torch.
- So what's the problem? She thinks she's pregnant.
Her symptoms include: general swelling, fatigue, nausea, - heightened sense of smell.
- Tell her about my nipples.
And if you need me, I'll be in the assisted suicide aisle.
Oh, God, Barb, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I didn't plan on having another baby.
I was finally getting my life back.
Were you? No.
Look, before you go crazy, why don't you take a test and find out if you're pregnant? No, I can't take it yet.
Even with these early detection tests, you have to wait a couple of days.
And I just hate not knowing.
I'm going to have to tell Richard.
Why don't you wait until you know for sure? Because this is torture.
Why does he get to go all about his dopey way, all satisfied and relaxed while I'm miserable, and flatulent and sober? And plus, you might be pregnant.
I don't see anything under that name.
Are you sure your doctor didn't send it to another pharmacy? Yes, I'm sure.
I've been coming here since I was like 11.
Where's the little Chinese guy who usually works here? Hey, Phon? Phon? His name is John.
And he's on break.
Well, find him.
It's my anti-anxiety medication.
You don't say.
Oh, great.
Oh, look who's here.
Oh, good, you work here now.
Could you find Phon? Wait, what is that? That's not a pregnancy test? Are you pregnant? - Oh, well, I - Of course she's not pregnant.
- That's impossible.
- No, remember that woman on Oprah who gave birth to those twins when she was 60? And I got a Google Alert about a parrot who gave birth at 90.
Really? Well, actually, the pregnancy test is for me.
I don't know how it happened.
I was messing around with some married guy in this nice neighborhood Where do you live again? - Vista Heights.
- Vista Heights.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that was it.
And the strangest thing, there was a picture of some chick, looked just like you.
No, wait, um, maybe it was you.
Hmm.
Oh, well.
Wish me luck.
- Yeah, good luck.
- Good luck.
- Thank you for that.
- My pleasure.
I can't believe this is happening.
I missed you so much.
Being apart from you made me realize I don't care if you're not ready to get married.
I just want to be with you.
Everything else can wait.
I hate being away from you.
Me, too.
It's awful out there.
Dating is a nightmare.
Dating? You were dating? Yeah, I told you that.
You said one date.
I don't think so.
So what do you want to do to celebrate? Should we go out to dinner? Sure.
Anything.
So, how many dates? Like, two? Well, two and a three-day weekend.
Which I guess is five.
Or three, if you count the weekend as one.
There was a weekend? Well, it turned into a weekend.
Sweetie, it doesn't matter.
I'm here, with you, right now.
You're right.
That's all that matters.
Oh, my God, Ron, we're back together.
What?! I'm going to get some champagne.
Ron? Okay, Richard.
We've got to talk.
Now, I have something to tell you and you're probably going to freak out but I just want you to listen before you say anything because this is huge.
Who's Ron? Okay, so, this morning, I was feeling a little weird, - I went to the drug store - Oh, look who it is.
Richard.
- What? - You called me Ron.
I don't think so.
Hi, Christine.
Hi.
Wha uh, what, what is she doing here? We're back together.
Isn't it great? I just couldn't handle being out there again.
Some guy trying to impress you.
"Here's my giant house.
" "Here's my fancy car.
" "We're already in Nevada, we might as well make it a weekend.
" We're together now, though.
So what's the big news? It's nothing, really.
Come on, you said you had huge news.
No, it's, it's no big deal, it's just Yeah, maybe a little.
What? No, no.
Pay attention.
You and me Well, I'm flattered, but I told you we're back together.
Christine, would you like some champagne? No, I can't.
Even though I love champagne.
And I'm not on antibiotics right now.
I can't.
Oh, g I'm getting out of here.
What was that all about? Christine feels fat.
Yeah, maybe a little.
Oh, my boobs are about to explode.
And good day to you.
Matthew, did you open this pregnancy test? One of the sticks is missing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I wanted to try it.
Oh, and by the way, you don't use it like a thermometer.
All right, listen, Matthew, you know, I am going through kind of a thing here, and I could really use a little support.
I'm sorry; I'm sure it'll be fine.
You might not even be pregnant.
Yeah, well, I better be pregnant, 'cause I just felt something kick.
I'll go boil the water and get some hot rags.
- Hey.
- Oh, Daniel.
I hope it's okay that I just dropped by.
Can I come in? Oh, yeah, sure, come on in.
Sorry, uh, this place is kind of a mess.
If I'd known you were coming I probably would have moved.
So listen, I got some good news.
Oh, great, I could use some good news.
I got a job offer at another school.
Which means I won't be your son's teacher anymore.
Which means, if you're still interested, I would love to go out with you.
Oh, come on! So, great news, huh? You and I can finally go out.
And I was thinking for our first date, we can go to this Italian place I know.
And I know you like pizza, 'cause I saw some on your floor over there.
So what do you think about us? Uh, I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now, so can I get back to you? Oh, okay.
Can I ask, is there someone else? That's the question we're all asking.
Okay.
I feel like an idiot.
I came over here assuming you felt the same way about me as I feel about you.
But obviously, something's changed.
I've just had a really bad day that could turn into several really bad years and I just need a little bit of time to figure things out.
Can you give me a little time? - Sure.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Great.
Well, I'll call you tomorrow.
Or in, uh, 18 years.
Are you believing this? I mean, my timing could not be worse.
I am days away from giving birth, and the man of my dreams comes over and practically throws himself at me.
You know, no one ever talks about it, but I guess there is a downside to having unprotected sex.
Barb, what am I gonna do? I mean, I've been waiting all year to be with him, and being pregnant isn't exactly a turn-on for most guys.
Oh.
Hey, wait.
What if I sleep with Daniel real fast and then I tell him that the baby is his?! Really? You You can't think of a single problem with that plan? Are you wearing your pregnancy jeans? I actually never stopped wearing them.
You're pregnant?! You just figured that out? You're terrible at charades.
I am great at charades.
Shakespeare.
Musical.
Proper name.
I think you got me pregnant, you irresponsible goon.
Hey, it's not all my fault.
You were right there with me.
Actually, I was about ten minutes behind you.
That's nice, mother of my children.
- Yeah, you know what? - Guys, guys.
We don't even know if she's pregnant yet.
Let's just take the test, and we'll figure it out from there.
You haven't even taken the test yet? What are you doing to me?! I can't take it yet, Richard, okay? I have to wait for my first morning's urine.
But I know my body, all right? I had two Reubens today.
What does that tell you? - You're a pig.
- Oh, nice.
Real nice, father of my children.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
I'm not mad at you.
I just can't believe this.
New Christine and I just got back together.
If you're pregnant, she's probably gonna find out we slept together.
Yeah, well, if I can't convince Daniel that this baby is his, I have no shot with him! You two shouldn't be allowed to have children.
I can't believe I traded a meaningful relationship with someone I love for 20 minutes of dirty fun with you.
Yeah, well, how do you think I feel? I traded it for 10 minutes of dirty fun.
So we can't find out until tomorrow morning? What are we gonna do until then? I don't know.
Something mindless.
Something that'll distract us.
Hey! Stop that! You get off her! See? This is good.
We're out of the house.
We can think about something else.
So, the first morning's urine is that after midnight or do you have to wait until morning? I don't know.
I think the sun has to be up.
That doesn't make any sense.
What if you work a night job? All right, I don't know, Richard, okay? I don't make the rules! - Well, I just - Guys, guys.
We said we weren't gonna talk about it.
- Okay, sorry.
- Sorry.
Hey.
I found that cat I thought I lost.
It was under the bed.
Not my bed, the guest bed.
It's the only room with carpet.
Cats love carpet.
And milk.
What else do cats like? Let's go around the table.
Oh, I can't believe I might be pregnant! Yeah, we're so stupid! Oh, God, I thought I was done with this.
Now I got to worry about 3:00 a.
m.
feedings and changing diapers.
We finally had our lives separate, in a good way.
Then we go and screw it up.
- We screw everything up.
- I know.
We are such screwups.
Why does this keep happening to us? Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two? So you might be having another kid.
Big deal.
Making babies is the only thing that you two do well.
Now, let's focus and come up with some things that cats like.
Christine, you all right up there? Stop talking to me.
I can't go when people are talking to me.
Or listening to me.
We're not.
You're talking to me! Shut up and pee.
This is torture.
Just calm down.
You'll know in a minute.
Actually, I kind of hope Christine has a baby.
I think it might be fun.
That's easy for you to say; you don't have to live here.
All the late nights, crying and screaming-- the baby's only gonna make that worse.
Okay, I did it.
And it's only wet because I washed my hands.
Is that true? No.
- So what is it? - I don't know.
I haven't looked yet.
But, listen, no matter what happens, we're gonna be fine, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we did it before, we can do it again.
We're just a little older.
Yeah.
When the baby graduates high school, we'll be Dead.
Just trying to lighten the mood.
Come on, come on, look.
Okay, here goes.
I'm pregnant.
Wow.
Okay.
- We're gonna be parents again.
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Good.
This is good.
Yeah, we'll co-parent from different houses.
It worked with Ritchie, it'll work for the twins.
No I know my body.
It's twins.
This is gonna be great.
- Wait, there's only one line.
- Yeah, pregnant.
Well, when I took it, I got one line, too.
So, I mean, either we're both pregnant or you're wrong.
Wait a minute.
One line oh, "not pregnant.
" I'm not pregnant! - Oh, thank God! - Thank God! Oh, my God! I mean, it would've been okay either way, but Oh, thank God! Oh, wow! I guess I just had really bad PMS.
- Really bad.
- Historically bad.
- I've never seen it that bad.
- All right.
All right, you know what? Get out.
You're all bugging me.
I'm gonna go over to New Christine's, but first, I'm gonna stop and buy some condoms.
Eh, she's probably on something.
Oh, I got to go, too.
Where? It's 7:00 in the morning.
There's something I have to do.
So, after we added a room onto the guest house, we realized it was bigger than our main house.
So now we're just moving into the guest house.
What are you gonna do with the main house? You mean the house in Maine? I didn't know you had a house in Maine.
Well, I don't tell you everything.
Ah, look what the cat dragged in.
If my cat dragged that in, I'd put them both to sleep.
Screw you.
Morning.
Mrs.
Campbell.
What are you doing here? Well, um I've been thinking about our date.
In fact, it's all I've been thinking about for the last six months.
And if you still want to go out with me, I would I would very much like to go out with you.
Really? Oh, yeah.
How 'bout that? Pretty good, huh? Yeah.
Really good.
Should we ask them what they thought? So, um, Mr.
Harris, you just, you let me know what you would like to do then.
And, um everyone you have a super summer.
Yeah.
Can't get out of here.