All In The Family s02e23 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days uh-huh, yeah.
All right.
Bye.
Gloria, we'd better set the table for dinner.
It's almost 6:00.
It really makes a person wonder.
It really makes you wonder.
What? Well, that was Mrs.
bellini on the phone.
You remember her 22-year-old son Paul, the one that lives in California? Well, a person can't even call his own home his own home no more.
- Ma, what happened? - He was just evicted from his volkswagen bus.
You check the stew and I'll get the salad.
Okay.
What are you reading? Oh, I'm just reading some old love letters That Michael sent me before we were married.
That's nice.
Oh, I see you keep your love letters in an old cigar box.
Dutch masters.
I keep my buttons in white owl.
You get the silverware, Gloria.
Okay.
Hey, ma.
Do you ever read any of the love letters daddy sent you? - No.
- Why not? He never sent me none.
Wait a minute, I take that back.
Once when he was visiting his cousin in Newark, he sent me a postcard.
What did the card say, ma? It said, "dear Edith, how is the weather there? It's raining here in Newark.
Yours truly, Archie bunker.
" - I think that's awful.
- So do I.
That's why I like living here.
It don't rain so much.
No, ma.
I mean I think it's awful you never got a love letter.
Oh, I didn't say I never got a love letter.
When I first started going with your father, I was still going with a boy named Freddy withausen.
I got one from him.
Did you like it, ma? Oh, yeah.
He was quite a catch.
He had a real important job.
He worked for the highway department as a hot tar watcher.
A what watcher? His job was to watch them Pour the hot tar on the street And make sure it was even before the steam roller went over it.
He sure doesn't sound like someone who'd send a girl a love letter.
Oh, I don't know about that.
A man who watches hot tar all day must dream a lot.
You know what, Gloria? In his letter he called me his goddess of beauty.
[ Chuckles .]
How come you married daddy instead of him? Well, I liked being called a goddess of beauty.
But somehow it seemed more permanent When your father called me a dingbat.
Hey, ma.
I bet you still got Freddy's love letter though, huh? Oh, no.
I burned it.
Oh, your father was so jealous of him.
If he ever found that letter-- Edith, I'm home.
At least I think I'm home.
Maybe this ain't my home.
What do you mean, Archie? No, no.
Hold it.
I mean it's 6:00 P.
M.
I just come through the dining room there.
The table ain't set for supper.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Me and Gloria got to talking.
What do I look like, one of them Broadway dudes Or high-society guys that eat late, maybe 6:15, 6:20? I'm sorry, daddy.
It's my fault.
I'll set the table.
Here, let me take your coat and hat.
I'll help Gloria set the table if you'll stir the stew.
Aw, come on.
What is this? I come home from work-- what the hell is this here? "My dearest darling--" aw, geez, this is awful.
Hey, arch.
I brought some apple pie home for dessert.
I'll just stick it in the oven here and heat it up.
Hold it.
Hold it.
You don't need the oven for that there.
Why, what are you talking about? I'm talking about this.
I quote from the writings of Michael stivic meathead.
"My dearest darling Gloria, whenever I kiss your soft sweet lips, my mouth is inflamed by the consuming fires of love.
" You don't need the oven for that.
You can heat it with your flaming mouth.
Where did you get that? It don't make no difference where I get this.
This proves to me that you took advantage of my little girl.
Here.
Read that.
Is that all? Gloria and I spent a weekend in Massachusetts.
What's the big deal? The big deal is the date on this here letter.
That's long before youse two was married.
What's the difference? We're married now, aren't we? That's no excuse, meathead.
Give me that.
No way.
Hey, give me that back.
Hey.
Whatever you're doing, stop here.
I want you to take a look at this here.
You know what this means? It means that your daughter here before she was married-- well, I ain't gonna soil your ears by even saying it.
Just read it yourself.
Go ahead.
Daddy, you were reading my letters.
How could you? It wasn't easy with all the pornography in there.
Arch, that weekend we just went to an outdoor concert up there.
That's all.
Besides, it happened over two years ago.
What are you so shocked about? Hold it.
I ain't the only one that's shocked here and bereaved.
Look at the shock-- look in your mother-in-law's face.
Oh.
Oh, this is so sweet.
"And now my dearest darling--" don't read it.
I know what's in it.
Don't that bother you that your daughter was involved in a thing like that? I always trusted Gloria.
So did I.
But I never trusted the flaming polock here.
Hey! Hey! Never call me that.
That's what you are! Daddy, someday you're gonna go too far with Michael.
Me going too far with him ain't the problem here.
And look at you standing there, the mother of her.
You look about as worried as a dead bird.
Daddy, why should she worry now? She wasn't worried about it when it happened.
Because when it happened it-- oh.
She wasn't worried when it happened, huh? - Because she knew that it happened at the time, right? - Daddy, don't blame ma.
She didn't tell you about it 'cause she didn't want you to worry.
Oh, she didn't want me to worry.
The two of youse was all upset about me, huh? Ain't that nice? What the hell kind of banana oil is that? You don't tell me nothing around here.
Everything is a secret.
Archie, I didn't tell you about it because you would've just get upset.
Yeah, and spoil our whole weekend.
That kind of a weekend ought to be spoiled.
Archie, it seemed all right at the time for her to go on the weekend.
All the kids was doing it.
That's my point, Edith.
All the kids was doing it.
And you still stood still for that there? Do you mean to tell me the fact that two people go away on a weekend Don't spell something fishy? Oh, no.
That ain't always true, Archie.
That weekend I spent with Freddy withausen there was nothing fishy.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Weekend that you-- wait a minute.
Get out of here.
You spent the weekend with Freddy withausen? The hot tar watcher? How did you know? You wasn't even born then.
Nothing happened, Archie.
We just went up to a little cabin his parents had in the woods.
In the woods? What did you do up there? Nothing.
Oh, nothing.
Would you have went up to a little cabin in the woods with me? I guess so.
What for? 'Cause you asked me.
Oh, 'cause I asked you.
And then Freddy asked you.
How many other people asked you? How many little cabins in the woods you got in your past life? Just that one.
Oh, just that one, huh? There must have been something special about that cabin and Freddy withausen.
Oh, look at that.
He's jealous.
I don't believe it.
Something happened 25 years ago and you're jealous.
Clam up, you.
Get out of here.
You're jealous.
Whoa, boy.
He's jealous.
I don't believe it.
Get into the kitchen there.
- You're jealous.
- Go eat an apple pie, hot lips.
Are you jealous, Archie? Cut that out.
You mean to tell me that when I was overseas in the service, you was running around with another guy? Oh, no.
You was back home by then.
I was not.
I was over there waiting for my discharge in staten island.
So that's what was going on, huh? Whoa.
What kills me is you never told me nothing about it.
But, Archie, I never thought you wanted to hear about it.
What was you doing that I wouldn't wanna hear about? Nothing.
If you wanna hear about it, I'll tell you.
Don't tell me nothing.
Tell me everything.
Well, it was out at lake quonkonkema.
Freddy's parents was there too, sort of chaperones.
Yeah, yeah? Oh, it was beautiful there, Archie, the trees and all.
Once Freddy and I went down to the lake at 5:00 in the morning Just to watch the sun come up.
What were youse doing before the sun come up? Sleeping.
Sleeping? Yeah.
What does that mean? Well, it means that-- I don't wanna know.
Oh, well.
If I ever see that Freddy withausen again, I'll feather him in his own tar.
I'm afraid you can't do that, Archie.
What do you mean I can't? Why not? He died six years ago.
Lucky for him.
I remember when I read about his funeral in the paper, I sent him a nice bouquet of flowers.
You sent him flowers? I guess I forgot to tell you about that.
Yeah, I guess you forgot to tell me about that, Edith.
Sure, you did.
It's like the millions of other little things you always forget to tell me.
Well, that's the straw that broke the camel's neck.
Archie, where are you going? I'm going to kelcy's bar.
That's where I'm going.
Where else would I go, Edith? And when I come back, as long as I ain't a part Of your little secret service around here, I'll just, uh, eat at the table over there, sleep up in our bed.
Maybe watch the television over here once in a while.
And outside of that, you can just treat me as if I was another stranger under your roof.
Oh, ar-- no, no, no.
Stay there.
Stay there.
And you can think about this, Edith.
In all the 25 years you and me have been together, you ain't never once sent me no flowers.
Thanks, Tommy.
Wanna watch some tv, arch? Oh, no.
Tommy, you know.
I don't wanna watch the tv.
I need someone to talk to me.
Geez, I've been listening to people all day, arch.
I need a break.
Thanks a lot there, Tommy.
If I didn't wanna talk to nobody, I could've stood home.
Oh, hi, arch.
Aw, geez.
I said I wanted to talk, but I ain't this desperate.
Hey, uh, Tommy.
Let me have a beer there, will you? Sure.
[ Gunfire, explosions on tv .]
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Tommy.
Will you turn that tv off up there? It's a good movie.
The japs are invading wake island.
I know how it come out, Tommy.
They lost.
Will you turn it off? [ Tv shuts off .]
I'll say one thing for them japs though.
They certainly know how to treat their women.
Did you know in Japan a woman's gotta walk 10 feet behind her husband all the time? And they gotta wear carpet slippers so the guys ain't disturbed by the high heels.
We ought to have something like that over here.
Uh, arch, you mind if I tell you something? Yeah.
But that ain't gonna stop you.
I know.
Y-you sitting here and sulking, that's not gonna do you any good.
Why don't you come home and talk things over with ma? Because you can't talk to her.
You can't talk to women.
First place, they don't tell you nothing they don't want you to know.
They all do that.
They're all the same, all of them.
Except of course my blessed mother Who never spent no weekend with no guy.
- Well, what if she did? - I'm talking about my mother.
Ain't nothing sacred to you? Arch, all Edith did was spend an innocent weekend in the country, that's all.
An innocent weekend? There ain't no such thing, buddy.
Not the way I was brought up.
Let me tell you something.
In my day, if a girl was seen packing her suitcase on a Friday afternoon, she was a marked woman.
And I mean in big red letters there, "spoiled goods.
" Don't you think it's silly in our day and age to be preaching old-fashioned virtue? No.
If we had a little more of the old-fashioned virtue around here, we wouldn't have so many new-fashioned babies running around looking for their papas.
Arch, I didn't come here to argue with you.
Why don't you just finish your beer and come home? And why don't you take a long walk on a short pier? Arch, this whole thing is crazy.
Twenty-five years ago, ma went away on an innocent weekend.
And even if it wasn't innocent, so what? Shush.
Get over there.
What the hell's the matter with you opening your big foghorn mouth in front of Tommy there? Listen, arch-- no, you listen to me.
A guy before he marries has got a right to expect the girl he marries to be pure.
But what about you arch? Before you were married, were you pure? Hey, hey, hey.
None of your business.
Huh? You couldn't have been, right? You were in the army.
You were overseas.
That's different.
A guy's overseas fighting for his country, he's got some excuse.
What did you do, get a note from your corporal? Don't try to be funny, will you, meathead? We was fighting men over there.
We was all tensed up from being in action.
There's a break in the action.
Some of the boys wanted to go someplace.
I went along too.
I didn't know where we was going.
First thing I know, I was there.
You want me to leave them thinking I was some kind of a queer? - All right.
So you weren't pure.
- That's another thing.
A man ain't supposed to-- I mean that's part of being a man.
Oh, boy.
The old double standard, huh? No, smart guy.
That's the Bible if you wanna know.
The Bible says a woman's gotta be pure.
It says so on practically every page.
Well, shouldn't the same thing go for men? It don't say that about the men.
I mean the men in the Bible, all them old-time religious guys, they always had lots of women around.
Take your Abraham, David, sodom and gomorrah.
All them guys.
Look, arch.
All I know is one thing.
The way you're thinking about ma is crazy.
I mean, after all, you're the guy she married, right? That, uh, what's his name, Freddy withausen? He's dead and buried.
He was alive up in that cabin.
That was 25 years ago.
What difference does that make how long ago it was? I mean, it makes a guy wonder.
After all, maybe I was only second choice.
Maybe I ain't the real husband.
Maybe the real guy didn't show up there And I won by-- what do you call-- default.
What are you talking about? You know the way ma treats you, waiting on you hand and foot.
You know how she feels about you.
But she never tells me nothing.
And when I come home from work and I say, "what's new, Edith?" I want her to tell me what's new even if it is 25 years old.
She's damn well gonna tell me starting right now.
I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna get the whole story of that cabin.
And I'd better not find out what I wanna find out.
Ma, it's 10:00.
Why are you still cooking? I'm keeping the stew warm for your father.
He'll be hungry when he comes home.
If he comes home.
Oh, he'll come home all right.
Your father ain't never once missed having his dinner at home.
Ma, you're really something.
After the way daddy walked out on you-- Archie is right.
I shouldn't keep secrets from him.
The only reason I don't tell him something is for his own good.
I want to protect him from getting upset And yelling at me.
Ma, you know that weekend you spent with Freddy withausen? Yeah? Well, [ Clears throat .]
I don't know how to put this, but, uh, you and he didn't, uh, you know.
Gloria.
You don't think that Freddy and me-- well? Oh, never.
It was during the war.
And Freddy really respected me.
You see, he was a 4-f, and I was a red cross bandage roller.
[ Door opens .]
[ Archie .]
Edith.
There.
You see? He's back.
Get in here on the double, Edith.
You watch the stew.
Coming, Archie.
Oh, hello, Mike.
Gloria's in the kitchen.
Thanks for bringing him home.
Okay, ma.
Oh, hello, Archie.
I kept your dinner warm.
Never mind the dinner.
We're gonna have a few words together so sit down over there.
All right, Archie.
We've got some things we're gonna have settled.
A lot of things.
In fact, the whole list of things may keep us up all night.
Whatever you say, Archie.
Yeah.
The first thing we gotta talk about is all this business Of a secret service going on around here And I don't know nothing, see? And the fact that I'm the bread-winner family here and the head.
Things are going on here without my consent, and that's gotta change.
If you say so.
Then we're gonna have to have a few words about that unmoral weekend You spent with that tar watcher of yours.
But, Archie, I told you-- and-- let me finish.
You're gonna have to ask me to forgive you.
All right.
Forgive me.
Then you admit it, huh? There's nothing to admit.
Then what are you asking me to forgive you for? I don't know.
You just asked me to ask you to-- don't be twisting all my words around, Edith.
All I want is for you to say That on our honeymoon night, that night was the first.
It was the night after, remember? You fell asleep.
[ Inaudible .]
Was I or was I not the first? Of course, Archie.
All right then.
You actually come to your senses.
- I forgive you.
- For what? Don't get started on that again.
We got it settled and I don't wanna hear no more about it.
Now you can go ahead and serve me dinner.
Right away, Archie.
Gloria, dish up the stew.
And Mike, bring in the ketchup.
Archie, does this mean you ain't mad at me no more? Well, it means that we got a few things settled and, uh-- one of which is no more secrets around here, right? Right.
No more secrets.
I'll get your dinner right away.
Ketchup on stew? - You'd eat ketchup on anything.
- Look who's talking.
I once seen you dunk a hamburger in a cup of coffee.
How'd it go with ma? Well, you can see for yourself.
Everything's back to normal around here.
It might interest you to know that your mother-in-law apologized to me.
You mean then that weekend she did? Didn't, didn't, didn't.
- Well, what did she apologize for? - For nothing.
You're right, arch.
Everything's back to normal.
Here we are.
Come and get it.
What do you mean, come and get it? I'm here.
I ain't out in the field.
Oh, Mike, Gloria, Archie and me had a long talk.
And I ain't never gonna keep a secret from your father again.
Well, the whole thing was silly anyway.
I mean, making such a big deal about a weekend in the country.
Yeah, especially when you had two chaperones with you.
Yeah, that's right.
Freddy and me was never alone except for one afternoon When his parents had to go into the city to get some supplies.
Hi, ma.
Shh.
Your father's asleep.
Did you two have a good time? Yeah.
It was a housewarming.
Frank clauson and Marion bloom just got a new apartment.
They got an apartment together and they ain't married? Yeah.
That's the way they wanted it.
Oh, well, I suppose if they're your friends-- wait a minute.
Whatever you do, let's not tell your father about this.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.